Weekend

206.8

Mom just drove away to head back to Ohio. I'm going to miss her. She arrived on January 31st (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2008/02/liberal-democrat.html), so she has been here a little over two months, even excluding the six days she was gone for Grandma J's services recently. After having someone stay with you for that long, you get used to having her around.

Even though I will miss Mom, it'll also probably be nice to have my place to myself again. And assuming things continue to progress with MM and we move in together as planned, this will likely be the last "alone" period I will have for a long time. . . . maybe ever!

As I was just recently blogging about my clutter, I must also mention this: as I was helping Mom pack her car for her trip, I noticed that she had mostly what I would consider unnecessary crap to take with her. Of course, I realize that "one man's trash is another man's treasure," and that these things were probably not "unnecessary crap" to HER, but seeing her stuff was a reminder that I come by my clutter-bug tendencies honestly. LOL

MM and I had a wonderful weekend in Tucson. (In spite of the fact that we had our first fight when I couldn't immediately find my way to the hotel. It was over in five minutes and quite funny in retrospect, but boy did he make me angry for a few minutes there.) We arrived late on Friday night and had dinner at Oregano's--yum! Saturday morning we drove down to Nogales to do some shopping. I'll include a couple of photos from our trip later in this post (because I'm too dumb to figure out how to post them in the middle).

Saturday evening we attended the wedding of my friend L and her (now) husband M, the actual reason for our trip. The wedding was great: it was in a beautiful setting, the weather was perfect, it seemed to go off tastefully and without a hitch, and we had fun chatting with some of my old Tucson friends.

Sunday we slept in, then stopped for a little shopping at the outlet mall before returning to Phoenix to have dinner with MM's parents and my mom. That went well, too, and all the parents seemed to hit it off.

I was exhausted and in bed before 9:30 last night. I slept straight through to 6:45 this morning.

Gotta hit the shower: I've been "working at home" this morning as Mom was getting packed, but I've got to be in the office for a meeting in a little over an hour.

One perspective

Living here in a border state, we see a lot in the news about illegal immigration. This photo depicts graffiti I saw on a wall near the border in Nogales, Sonora, Mexico.

It's hard to read the bottom line; the full quote is "Fronteras: cicatrizes en la tierra." Roughly translated, it means "Borders: scars in the earth."

More tomorrow. . . . I am exhausted!

Time with MM

206.8

I have to say I am quite glad it's Friday. This week wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great, and I am looking forward to spending the whole weekend with MM. I feel a little bit bad to be out of town for Mom's last weekend in Phoenix, but in fairness, she was originally supposed to already be back in Ohio when I RSVP'd for tomorrow's wedding and planned this weekend trip. (And she is totally understanding about the situation.) I'll see Mom on Sunday when we return and go to the Ms' house for dinner.

I realized this morning that MM and I have not spent an entire weekend together since our trip to Vegas in December (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/12/quick-update.html). When I stop and think about it, it seems odd to me that MM and I are at this stage in our relationship, and yet we only see each other 3-4 times a week. We talk regularly about buying a house together, having a child, and occasionally even marriage, but we see each other less than most high school couples probably do. LOL

It's doubly weird for me, because I have never been at this point in a relationship with someone and not been living with them or at least seeing them daily. I've had two prior "marriage track" relationships, to use my friend V's expression. The first, with R when I was 23 to 25, we moved in together after 6-7 weeks of dating. With SL, we were neighbors in the same apartment complex after dating for just a little over 3 months and were seeing each other daily before that. SL and I were also co-workers for the first 8 months we dated and moved in together around the same time he got a different job, so there was never a time after the first week or two when we didn't see each other daily. (Come to think of it, R and I were co-workers throughout our entire relationship.)

I'm not sure if it's "normal" to be in an adult relationship at the level of commitment that MM and I have without seeing each other every day, but because of my relationship history, it doesn't seem normal to me. For that reason alone, I'll be glad when we move in together. (Not that there aren't other reasons. . . . )

A couple of reasons that MM and I don't see each other every day are logistical: he lives almost 30 miles away from where I live, though we only work about 10 minutes apart. We work slightly different hours, too. Even if I were willing to drive out to MM's place more often, Sebastian is a consideration; even the best dog ever can only go about 10-11 hours without a potty break. And, of course, MM is allergic to Sebastian, and this simple fact has significantly limited the amount of time he can spend at my place. (MM's only ever spent the night at my place once, and that was because Sebastian ate 4 S.O.S. pads and was really sick. And he was miserable the entire next day after sleeping over.

Actually, on that note, let me share that MM came over for about an hour last night after the gym and dinner. He has been using the Flonase the allergist prescribed for nearly two weeks now, so he wanted to see what effect, if any, it would have on his reactions to Sebastian. I am happy to report that he did much, much better than before: he only had a little sneezing and no swollen/watery eyes. He even petted Sebastian. We are both very optimistic now about the prospect of the two of them being able to live together. Once I get the HEPA filter the doctor recommended and start doing things to reduce Sebastian's dander, his symptoms will likely be even further decreased.

I never really entertained the thought of getting rid of Sebastian--nor did MM ever say that I should--but I will tell you that I have had some concerns about whether MM would be able to get his allergies to a point where the two of them could co-exist. What a relief!

I look forward to living with MM. I'd like for his face to be the first one I see every morning and for his voice to be the last one I hear before I fall asleep at night. I don't have a big need for personal space, so I think it'll be great.

I do recognize, though, that this will be a bigger adjustment for MM than for me when it finally happens. As a baseline matter, he has a hard time with change. Specific to this situation, he has only lived with one other woman: he was 22 then, and they broke up after two months of cohabitating. Also, he has had basically no roommates since college--a friend of a friend once lived with him for about 6 weeks--and suffers from "OCS": only child syndrome. MM is used to lots of alone time. He is also going to be adjusting to living with Sebastian, a 75-lb Golden Retriever, when he hasn't lived with a dog since age 14. . . and even then, it was a 20-lb Schnauzer.

After a period of adjustment, I'm sure our cohabitating will go fine once it happens.

It's the freakin' weekend!

Humanity

207.8 (double yikes)

After my mom's experience of yesterday (which I wrote about in the previous entry), I have had a general feeling of ickiness about humanity. Being at work does not really help in developing more positive feelings on this matter because I am a lawyer--hello! MM is no help, given that his job is supervising convicted felons on intensive probation. His work lends itself to lots of good stories, but not many that make you think about the good in people. LOL Many of my friends are also lawyers, some far more cynical and jaded than I, so that's a blind alley. And forget about turning on the news--ugh!

I decided that I needed to do something to feel good about humanity again. I considered going back to attending church, and I am still considering it. . . . but this is not something I can accomplish in the middle of a workday.

Oddly enough, one foolproof way I've found to feel better about the human race is volunteering my time to help others. I already volunteer as a court-appointed special advocate for M, and I don't have time to take on any more volunteering at the moment. . . . so I decided I would donate things, rather than time, to those in need. (Coincidentally, doing so could also help me in moving toward my goal of decluttering.)

I am amazed at the avenues now available for donating various items! I have a five-and-a-half year old laptop computer and have found several organizations that will take this and refurbish it for use by the less fortunate here in the U.S. and abroad. I am donating my never-worn wedding dress to Brides Against Breast Cancer (http://bridesagainstbreastcancer.org/); I filled out the form, and Mom said she would ship the dress for me tomorrow. I joined my local FreeCycle group so that I will have somewhere to send my unneeded furniture and household items when the time comes that MM and I combine households.

Also, while reading blogs, I found a link through one of the blogs I read regularly to a blog of a woman who has just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer for the third time. Reading about that in and of itself was not uplifting--a little depressing, actually--but what WAS uplifting to me is that a number of this woman's "blog friends" have organized an effort to raise money to send her and her children to Disneyworld. The majority of the people donating to this effort have never, and will never, meet the recipients of their generosity.

Yes, there are good people in the world. Most of us, actually, I'd venture to say. It can be easy to lose sight of this fact when we see all the evil and chaos around us.

People suck

Yesterday my mom went to her car for the first time in two weeks. (She was out of town for nearly a week, then too sick to drive for the past week.) As soon as she opened the door, she noticed things out of place. At first, she thought that, in her hurry and grief in preparing to leave for her mother-in-law's funeral, she had left things in disarray.

As she investigated further, she realized that her car had been burglarized (though there were no signs of forced entry). Among the items stolen were a carousel of photo slides of my mom and her sisters as children and, worst of all, her husband's ashes.

My stepdad passed away March 31, 2007 (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/04/when-it-rains.html) and was cremated. Since that time, my mom has kept his ashes in a carved and engraved wooden box. She doesn't like the idea of "leaving him at home alone," so when she drives cross-country, she takes "him" with her. Apparently she had left his ashes under the driver's seat of her car during her absence, and the thieves took them.

I feel so bad for her and so angry at the idiots who did this. Jim's ashes (& those photos) are of no value to anyone else, but they were irreplaceable for Mom.

I hope those rat bastards get theirs. . . . .

Consequences and Repurcussions

207.0 (yikes)

The scale is up today, likely because MM and I had dinner at Applebee's after the gym, and I didn't make the healthiest choice--plus I had a Buster Bar from DQ, too, after dinner. My poor food choices were bound to eventually catch up to me. As I said to J on the phone yesterday: it's hard to make much progress going to the gym while I continue to eat crap.

Mom will be leaving early next week. Once she goes, I plan to go back and do another week of South Beach phase one to get back on track. I need to give myself a good swift kick in the keister when it comes to my eating!

Mom is slowly recovering. She has been really sick ever since returning from Ohio; many of her symptoms were similar to the ones I had with my last illness, but hers have been much more severe, poor lamb.

MM and I are headed to Tucson after work on Friday: we are attending a wedding there on Saturday night. MM mentioned yesterday that it was very inconsiderate of the bride to schedule her wedding during the Final Four. LOL I don't think either the bride or groom is a college hoops fan, so she probably didn't even think of it.

When we return Sunday evening, we (and Mom) are going to dinner at MM's parents' house. That should be fun.

I was proud of myself today: I can be a horrible procrastinator, and this morning I finally took care of two annoying insurance matters that I'd been putting off literally for months. Neither task took nearly as long to complete as I'd feared, as with most things I put off.

Now that Mom is leaving soon, the time when MM will be moving in with me is getting closer. (Also, MM's house is officially on the market as of April 1st.). Knowing that MM will be living with me soon--and knowing how much neater he is than I--gives me a push to get back on top of decluttering. MM would be appalled if he looked in the two storage closets in my apartment. Heck, he is appalled by how cluttered my living areas are. . . which are neat and organized compared to the closets. I also still have my wedding dress from my aborted wedding to SL and other various and assorted wedding items that I really need to get rid of.

I'm going to have to start tackling that a little bit at a time, maybe 15 minutes a day or something. I hope that MM's good habits will rub off on me once we're living together, but I still need to sort through a lot of junk first.

Time to once again make an effort to overcome my (seemingly) innate laziness. . .

I got nothin'

206.8 (after breakfast)

I haven't blogged since last Friday, simply because I don't have anything I want to write about at the moment. Everything in my life is going fine, but life is pretty much status quo, which doesn't make for exciting reading. . . . and I've been too lazy to dig into my mental archives and write about one of my men.

Hard to believe it's April 1st!

Motherhood

I’m not sure if it’s a function of my advancing age, the fact that my sister has a baby, or the simple truth that a bazillion other women I know have had babies within the past three years (OK, not a bazillion, but at least 25). I increasingly find myself thinking about motherhood. Not in a pie-in-the-sky, idealistic, that’d-be-great-someday way. . . . but in a logical and pragmatic way. As in: if I actually had a child, how would I make it work?

As I believe the majority of women do—with some notable exceptions—I have always just assumed that I would be a mother someday. When I was in my teens and twenties, aside from an occasional pregnancy scare, that “someday” seemed a long way off. I distinctly recall thinking as a teenager that I would accomplish at least three things by age 30: I’d have a career I loved, I’d be married, and I’d have at least one child. (Actually, I was 0 for 3 on my 30th birthday. . . . but that’s another whole post.)

When I applied to law school at age 29, the thought crossed my mind that my decision to change to a less flexible career at that stage of my life might impact my ability to have a child later. I cannot say that it didn’t occur to me. But at the time, I was working in a field where I was not happy and where I felt that my best attributes were going to waste. I was still unmarried then, and I placed a higher premium on having a more enjoyable and intellectually challenging career than on planning for a baby who certainly wasn’t going to arrive while I was single and might never come at all. Even if I’d considered single motherhood—and I had, fleetingly—I was in no financial position to pursue it.

My focus on law school for the three years from age 30 to age 33 put thoughts of childbearing pretty much completely out of my mind. For the first time in many years, I was loving what I was doing and learning tons; I was also enjoying a very full and active social life after a few years of being fairly solitary.

The first year or so of law practice was the same: I was too occupied with other things to dwell much on the fact that I remained single and childless. During that time, I met SL, and our relationship gradually progressed to commitment, then living together, then an engagement.

When SL and I got engaged, because of my (by then) advanced age of 35, we made plans to start trying to have a baby six months after our planned wedding in April 2007. We figured that, even if I got pregnant relatively quickly, by the time we had a baby I’d be at least 37 years old.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know that SL and I never got married. (For those of you who may be newer to my blog, here’s the entry I wrote when we broke up: http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/03/breaking-news-wedding-is-off.html.) In the weeks following our cancelled wedding and broken engagement, I was too busy processing a lot of difficult emotions and contemplating “where do I go from here” to think too much about motherhood. . . . except to realize that finding myself still single and alone at 36 made it much less likely that I would have a baby of my own before I was too old to do so.

I ended things with SL with the assumption that I’d be alone for a while. Over the course of my adult life, it has been common for me to see three, four, even five years pass between significant relationships. I believe this has in part been because it sometimes took me quite a while to get over a breakup with certain men, but even more because I have never been one who readily meets men or gets into relationships with them. Yes, some have even gone so far as to say I’m “picky.” While I deny being picky, I readily admit that my lifestyle has not been conducive to meeting the type of men in whom I’m interested, and that I've probably gone out on dates with four or five men for every one that became a lasting part of my life.

I am now in a different place mentally than I was a year ago. I am (unexpectedly) in a good relationship with a man I love. That man wants to be a father as much as (if not more than) I want to be a mother. We have discussed the prospect of having a child together on a number of occasions. He is ready to have a baby yesterday. (Although he is not pressuring me in any way.)

I don’t know that I’ve ever given up my hope to have a child of my own; I’ve just deferred it or pushed it aside in favor of pursuing other desires. Although I have mixed feelings about the realities of actually being a mother, I can’t say that it’s not something I want to do. And at 37, if “someday” is not soon, it will probably become “never.”

Here is the thought that's been in my mind a lot lately: when I think of my daily life as it is today, it is hard for me to imagine adding a child—a baby—to the mix. When I was a nurse, I had a lot of flexibility at work, usually only working three days a week. Moreover, when I was a nurse I had always *assumed* that I would cut back to working part-time if I had a baby.

Now that I’m a lawyer, cutting my work hours to part-time is less of an option. Doing that would severely limit my career advancement, significantly impact my income, and would probably mean having to leave my current position. And to be honest: I’m not sure I want to stop working full-time, even if I could. I like what I do. I was more willing to give work up when I was doing something I didn’t really enjoy.

Between work, family, friends, volunteering, and just plain lazy time, I find it hard to see how I would fit in time to be a good mom. I know people juggle these things everyday. . . . but everyone else is not me, and if I decide to do the mom thing, there will be no half measures; I will do a good job of it or not do it all. In my opinion, it's too important a job to approach in any other fashion.

Yes, it might seem strange for me to be pondering this while I am on the pill and not even trying to get pregnant, but hey—that’s me! Always thinking five steps ahead. And in the case of a huge, life-changing undertaking like motherhood, there’s no going back once you’ve made the choice.

Friends say that you willingly make all these accommodations and sacrifices when you have a child. . . . but is that universally true? I guess on some level, I fear that I will be one of the minority who thinks after the birth “oh shit—this is not for me.” Ruh-roh

Lots to think about. . . . .

Eating in

204.8

I was very proud of myself yesterday. In addition to trying to establish routines, I've also decided that I need to eat out less. Now eating out is a big part of my social life, but I'm not talking about eliminating THAT kind of eating out. I'm talking about the eating out where I'm doing it simply because I didn't take the time or effort to plan a meal. There's nothing "fun" about running out for Taco Bell on my lunch hour or picking up take-out on my way home from work just because I know I don't have anything at home to eat.

Yesterday, I technically ate breakfast "out," since I stopped at Starbucks for coffee and also got a muffin, rather than having cereal at home. But I brought my lunch, and I made a meal of pasta and sausage in the evening.

For people who regularly do this, it probably seems silly that I consider this an accomplishment. I am far from being a domestic goddess, though. I know it is healthier not to eat out all the time, but my main motivation is that I feel that I am pissing away a lot of money with my lack of planning, too.

I was doing a little internet research on my lunch hour yesterday (funny how I had extra time when I didn't have to go out to get food) about what is a reasonable amount to spend on food each month for one person. I estimated that I spend $500-600 because I eat out so often. Some people spend as little as $150-200! I could certainly use that $350-400 extra for something better than crappy take-out, so I hope this trend continues. Heck, even if I just stuck $300 a month in my 401(k), that would add up. . . . and I wouldn't even miss the money, since now it's going to waste, basically.

Not sure what my problem is today: I just can't get motivated this morning. I practically had to use a crowbar to get my a$$ out of bed--I hit snooze over 10 times. I am finally up and about now and have checked my work email, but I haven't even showered yet, so I certainly haven't gone to the office yet. I will just have to stay late and go straight to the gym from there. . . . which is perhaps not such a bad thing.

Not much else to report. Mom is still sick, but said last night that she was feeling somewhat better; she seemed less tired anyway. Poor her.

I'm glad this week is almost over!

Order and routines

203.8

I derive such comfort and pleasure from routines and order that I don't know why I sometimes seem to rebel against them. I arrived at work this morning focused and ready to work: I knew I had a lot to accomplish, and I knew I had to leave the office for an hour in the afternoon to pick up Mom from the airport.

I worked steadily from the time I arrived, then spent 20 minutes clearing off my desk and getting re-organized in the mid-morning, after which I was even more focused. All in all, I had a very productive day at work. Lots more tasks still left on the to-do list, but the list has been whittled down somewhat, and I billed a solid amount of hours today despite having to take a break and drive to the airport.

This evening--after a 2-week hiatus due to his illness and mine--MM and I got back into our Tuesday-Thursday routine and went to the gym. After the gym, we went to a favorite pizza place in the same plaza: they have the coolest combinations, and you can also "design your own." Plus they have chunks of tofu in their salads, which I love. MM always gets either sausage or pepperoni on your standard white crust with red sauce; I usually get a salad and the pizza called "The Volcano," which has pepperjack cheese, Red Hot sauce, sausage, and jalapenos--great for clearing my sinuses. LOL

It felt really good to get a good workout in! I lifted weights (upper body only) and did 27 minutes on the elliptical trainer (covered 2 miles). I'd loaded a few new songs onto my iPod's workout playlist, too, and it was fun to have some new music playing while I exercised.

I thoroughly enjoyed just spending an ordinary evening with MM. Sometimes I think that I enjoy our Tuesdays & Thursdays as much (or more than?) our weekend dates.

Now I'm home, blogging and (obsessively) checking my work email. (I have several balls in the air at the moment on a few different cases, and some co-defendants' attorneys email in the evenings.) I plan to throw in another load of laundry shortly and put away the laundry I did yesterday. . . . I'm proud to say that I've done a load of laundry each of the last two nights and put the clothes away. ;-)

It's weird how just having a cleared-off desk at work, a managable to-do list, having a (relatively) clean apartment, and getting in some exercise has had a positive effect on my mood. Hmmmmm. . . . .

Mom is back and feeling like crap: she now has the cold that I suffered with through last week. She is achy, coughing, congested, and exhausted. Poor thing. I've just put her to bed with a cool cloth on her head (after dosing her with some of my codeine cough medicine).

Off to do laundry and spend some "quality time" with Sebastian.

P.S. By popular demand, the picture above is one of me and KC from Saturday night's birthday dinner that sort-of shows my new hairstyle and color. MM has banned me from posting his photos, but KC has not given me the same directive. ;-)

92% Drunkard

The ironic thing about my EXCELLENT score is that I rarely ever drink alcohol anymore! (Ever since I realized it's one of my migraine triggers.)

92%DRUNKARD

You Are A Green Girl

You Are A Green Girl

You feel most at home in a world of ideas. You're curious and logical - and enjoy a good intellectual challenge. You're super cool, calm, and collected. Very little tries your patience. Your only fear? People not realizing how smart and able you are! Friday, March 21, 2008 Happy Birthday to Me 203.6 (not bad after having Pei Wei for dinner last night) Today is my 37th birthday. I know some people don't like having birthdays or don't like making a big deal out of them, but I am the opposite: I love my birthday and definitely consider it an occasion worth celebrating. Even though I am now getting perilously close to 40. LOL MM and I will be watching Indiana play Arkansas in the NCAA tournament at a local sports bar tonight. Fun, fun. I am looking forward to hanging out with him. I still have a little lingering congestion and cough, but feel that I am (finally) on the mend. Being sick has really sucked. With the improvement in my symptoms, I've also seen an improvement in my mood. And the fact that it's my birthday probably helps, too. I have had calls or messages from a few friends, and suspect that I have some birthday cards waiting in my mailbox--I haven't checked the mail this week because Mom had been doing it for me and I've gotten out of the habit. Both my parents called this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday, too. Work is mellow today. A lot of people took today off because it's Good Friday. I need to prepare for a deposition on Monday morning, but I don't have anything else that's terribly pressing. I went to my hairstylist last night, so my hair looks fabulous today! LOL I decided to get all-over hair color, instead of just highlights, to cover my ever-increasing gray hairs. I figured at 37, I need all the help I can get to look younger. I'm finally going to the spa to take advantage of my Valentine's Day massage tomorrow. Hooray! Thursday, March 20, 2008 Welcome home! Winter/Spring 2004 eHarmony markets itself as being different from (and superior to) other online dating sites. It touts its "29 dimensions of compatibility." This site is supposed to the one people come to when they are actually looking for true love, rather than just looking for a good time. After a couple of months of dating guys I met through match.com--which, for those who are unfamiliar, offers no screening and is basically a personals ad--I decided to give eHarmony a try. Surely the men who were pre-screened for me would be better matches than those who just saw my photo, read my ad, and decided to contact me. Surely these men are serious and ready to get involved with someone. I hit it off with the third guy I go out with, who we'll call Steven (not his real name). We exchange our first emails on February 13 and meet for a drink that same night. He is not my physical ideal, but he's funny, and conversation flows easily. Due to schedule conflicts, we don't have an actual first date for another ten days or so. Date #2 goes well; so does date #3. Soon we are talking on the phone or via email almost every day. The night before I am due to fly to Ireland for a two-week trip, he takes me to dinner with his closest friends, a couple. (This is date #6 or #7; we have been seeing each other for about a month at this point, and yeah, we're doin' it.) He marvels at my independence in being willing to fly to Ireland unaccompanied. Although I really like Steven, I am not yet sold on the idea of a long-term relationship with him. He is 7 years older than I, which in and of itself is not a deal breaker; however, he and I seem to be at different stages of our lives. He is a long-divorced father of a 15-year-old daughter who has been working in the same field for 15 years (with the same employer for 11 of those). I am a never-married, childless graduate student about to start my second career. Nevertheless, I leave for Ireland thinking things are going very well between Steven and me. He is very sweet as he says good night and wishes me a good trip. We make plans to get together when I return. While I am in Ireland, he and I exchange a few emails, including one for my birthday, which falls during the trip. When my flight lands back in Arizona, I am happy to be home and looking forward to seeing Steven again. I call his cell phone and get voicemail; I leave a cheery message and am not too surprised, thinking he is probably busy with his daughter. The following morning, I check my email and find the following message (its subject line is the title of this post): Hi Cutie, I hope your trip was everything you dreamed it would be. I would love to hear all about it. However, before we schedule that, I need to let you know that over the past couple of weeks my ex-girlfriend contacted me and we have decided to give it another try. I really enjoy the time I spend with you and hope we can continue having lunch and being friends. I will leave it up to you to let me know if that is something that is possible. Let me know your thoughts, Steven Am I the only one who thinks that "cutie" is an inappropriate form of address for someone with whom you are about to end things? You can guess whether I decide that we can continue to be friends and have lunch (note: the last lunch we had together didn't involve food). And now I've officially been given the brush-off for the first time via e-mail. I guess it could've been worse; it could've been a text message. Not Me 204.8 (yesterday was 203.8) I really don't know what the f&%^ is wrong with me lately. I cannot shake this latest cold I've got: I've now had it for a week. I haven't felt weak or tired or achy since the first 2-3 days, but I continue to be plagued with head congestion and periodic coughing fits. The coughing fits give me headaches, too, which totally sucks. Nothing seems to relieve these headaches, either. . . . except not coughing. May I just add that, yes, I HAVE been drinking lots of fluids, getting plenty of rest, taking multi-vitamins and extra vitamin C and zinc, and taking Zicam. None of that sh1t has worked to kick this. In addition to not being physically recovered from my THIRD F&%^ING COLD THIS YEAR, I just have not been myself. I'm not sure what's wrong with me at the moment, but I have felt an odd desire to just drop completely out of my life: my job, my relationships. These past few days, I have felt like I could leave everything but Sebastian behind. Which is odd, because I'm not having any problems per se with any area of my life currently (except, perhaps, my health). MM and I went to a baseball spring training game last night. It was OK. (See, just the mere fact that I found it "OK" shows that I'm not the usual me. Normally I love going to these games! WTF is wrong with me!?) MM is pretty good at reading my moods--being the sensitive person that he is--and he immediately sensed that I was "different" and not just because I was coughing and blowing my nose constantly. Of course, being MM, he assumed that I was different because I had a problem with him specifically or with "us." It's hard to explain to someone that I'm just not feeling like myself. I tried, and also chalked it up to being tired (which, by then, I was). And I think he accepted that. I was exhausted once again this morning, despite appearing to have slept a full night. So I decided I wouldn't go in to work until noon. (Ostensibly, I'm "working from home." OK, I am linked up to the work email system.) I will have to make up the hours I didn't bill this morning this weekend, but right now I don't really care. My entire mood is "whatever." As for eating and exercise, I've been eating reasonably, but not following any type of structured eating plan. My weight has remained between 203 and 206 these past few weeks. I have not been to the gym in two weeks, though: last week, MM was sick (& I had other evening commitments), and this week, I have not physically felt up to exercising. I'd like to get back to the gym; I do think it helps me. But there is no way I can work out with the congestion and coughing fits I've been having. I really hate being sick, and I really hate the mood I've been in. I hope I snap out of this sh1t soon. Tomorrow is my 37th birthday. As I predicted months ago when I first learned that MM is a big college hoops fan, his team (Indiana) is playing on my birthday. We are going to have dinner at a sports bar tomorrow night and watch the game. My real "birthday celebration" will be on Saturday night, when MM is taking me to a nice Japanese restaurant with some of my friends. Mom is gone at the moment: her mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly on Monday morning, so she is back in Ohio for the services. She will be back next Tuesday. I'm out of things to share. If someone reading has an explanation for my mood (or why I've already had three frickin' colds this year, plus bronchitis), I'm all ears. ;-) Saturday, March 15, 2008 Woody Halloween 1993 I arrive at a local college town bar with friends. The bar is called Rock Island, and is known as a pick-up spot. . . . the kind of place you go to hook up more than to hang out. Owing to some minor childhood traumas, I've never been much of a one for dressing up for Halloween. True to form, then, despite the holiday theme, I'm at the bar without a costume. After a little while and a few beers, a guy who is also not in costume--save for a camouflage hat--approaches our table and asks me to dance. We hit the floor for a few fast numbers, and he trails me back to our table. Turns out he is in the Army (hence the camouflage hat), stationed at a nearby Army base. He tells me that his friends call him "Woody." I've been off the dating scene for a while. Several months ago, I went through a big heartbreak that turned me off men for months. More recently, I've been so busy with school and work that I haven't had time to get back in the game. So while Woody is not quite up to my usual (high) standards, he is interested, and he drives a new Mustang. We end up kissing at the end of the night while leaning on the Mustang, which he promises to let me drive "some time." We have our first date on a weeknight the following week. He takes me to Pizza Hut for the buffet. (Hey, I'm 22 and still in college.) Things go OK. . . . not stellar, but OK. Our second date is a football game on Saturday, followed by an early dinner at Red Lobster. For the second time, Woody picks up the tab. . . . but does not leave a tip. (Cheap bastard.) We go back to my on-campus apartment and hang out. At some point, we start making out. Before things even progress to first base, Woody says "Oh, God" and. . . . shall we say, arrives early at his destination. I excuse myself to the bathroom and am more than a little surprised. Woody is a 28-year-old guy; I think that someone his age should have more self-control. He leaves not long after. We have one more brief and awkward phone conversation, and that's the end. My roommates dub him "The Premature Spooger." About a year later, I am at Rock Island again with one of my college roommates and our dates. We see Woody, and my roommate decides to tell our guys the story of our last date. One of the guys says "Damn! You must be one helluva good kisser." My guy waits an additional three dates before kissing me, out of fear that I will mock him, too, if the same thing happens to him. Who knew at 22 that this is a common male problem? Tuesday, March 11, 2008 New blog topics I originally started this blog over two years ago under the theory that my life is just as interesting as anyone else's. (I also thought that blogging about my weight loss efforts might be an additional motivator.) Based on what I've written here in 300+ posts, I now think that both premises are debatable. ;-) I know I've mentioned here on more than one occasion that I hate how boring my blog entries are sometimes. . . . and lately *I* don't even want to read them! So I've decided I'm going to change things up a bit. As I've said in my last two posts, I've been feeling a bit disenchanted with work at the moment. I guess one could say the bloom is off the rose in my current position. I will say that this is about par for the course with me; in fact, eight months with no real complaints about a job may be some kind of record for me. LOL. Yes, I have had many adult jobs: I worked for five different employers (at 10 different hospitals) in seven years as a nurse, and have now had two jobs as a lawyer, not including summer or temporary jobs (I had 4 of those, too). I'm always searching for that "right fit." One of the career-related dreams I had long ago (say, age 8 or 9) was to be a writer. One of several things that's held me back from pursuing that dream is a lack of creative ideas. I've always been good at expressing my thoughts in words--even in elementary school--but I am not particularly inventive. What would I write about? My friend KKL has often told me that my love life would make a good book. So I'm going to kind-of put her theory to the test in this blog. Although I know I don't have the self-discipline or the time to write about this topic every day, I am going to start blogging about some of my past loves and other situations with men. I will admit that several of them are the kind of stories that will probably be entertaining in the retelling. At least, over the years, as I've shared them with friends, they certainly seemed to find them amusing. I know I can tell a good story face-to-face, and I know I can produce a good written product at work. It remains to be seen whether I can write well when the topic is the kind of thing I'd usually only talk about. Best friend 205.4 (ugh) My mood is slightly improved today, but I'm still not my usual chipper self. I have my moods like anyone else, but generally I've been pretty happy the past several months. Not so this week. Maybe I will perk up once I finish my caffe mocha. . . . Back at the office, working on some more boring sh1t. At least I have a deposition to attend for a while this afternoon; it'll be nice to get out of the office for a while. I tried to talk to MM about my bad mood last night, but he kept saying that no one is in a bad mood for "no reason" and that there must BE a reason and I just don't know what it is. . . . . maybe I'm unhappy in our relationship or don't really want to buy a house together. Ugh. I love the guy, but it's hard to deal with his worries sometimes. I am certain that my bad mood has NOTHING to do with us: in fact, talking to him yesterday was the highlight of my day. Surely I wouldn't feel that way if I were unhappy in the relationship. In a way I feel like I can't talk with MM about my feelings because he always fears the worst and takes it personally if I say I'm not happy. Although this is not currently a huge problem for me, I will say that I don't think this is a good thing for the future of our relationship. He is fond of saying that I am his best friend, and I know he likes to think that he is my best friend, too. But to me a best friend is someone you can tell anything without fear of being judged or pushing them away, and unfortunately, I don't feel that about him. To the contrary: I feel that I have to be somewhat careful what I tell him, for fear I will hurt his feelings or give him cause for (further) anxiety. Anyway. . . . . . MM and I are hitting the gym this evening after work. Maybe that'll help my mood. Monday, March 10, 2008 Ennui 205 I woke up this morning and did not want to come to work. This feeling has persisted throughout the workday. The tasks I knew I had on tap for today were either tedious or annoying. I have been in my current position now for nearly eight months. Although the job has grown slightly more stressful over the past few weeks as my workload has increased, by and large, I've had no major complaints. I am earning a decent salary for the first time ever, so for the first time in my adult life, I don't lie awake at night wondering how I am going to pay my bills. My one complaint, if any, about this job is that it's boring. Sitting at a desk, reading, writing, and doing research all day: not my idea of excitement. In order to bill enough hours each day, I have to basically shut myself in my office and avoid interacting with people on anything but a professional basis. In many ways, being a prosecutor was perfect for me: the right mix between interacting with regular people and thinking about legal concepts. And I loved doing trials, though I didn't always like the stress associated with being in a very trial-focused job. I certainly didn't like the pay at my former job. My three years of law school were three of the best of my life, and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything. Yet I sometimes wonder if there is still something out there that would be a better fit for me than being a lawyer. When I think of continuing to do what I'm doing now indefinitely--or becoming a partner at my current firm--the idea is not at all appealing. That thought alone makes me think that I should be doing something else. But what? I am not ready to give up on the practice of law at this point. But I am beginning to think that a future at this firm is not in the cards for me. Sunday, March 09, 2008 Sunday is a day of rest (didn't weigh today: yesterday was 204.4) Mom and I had fun at yesterday's jewelry party, and I was proud of myself for staying within my spending limit. I came in well under, even though I bought a pair of earrings for Mom, too. MM and I went house-hunting today. He met with the realtor at his place early this afternoon to discuss staging, pricing, and putting it on the market; then we looked at several houses in our desired areas (all within a 5 minutes drive of where I currently live). I really love one house we saw. The only drawback to it is that it is a little smaller than we'd like. . . . although it doesn't seem as small as it is due to the layout, and the yard is a good size. MM admitted that, despite its size, this house was his top choice of the ones we saw also. If we were in a position to make an offer today, we'd probably make an offer on this one. Given that this is the first time we've gone out looking at houses, it's probably a good thing that we're not yet in a position to make offer on any. LOL. We will definitely be waiting until MM's place sells. I have suggested that after the first of April--once he's been to the doctor for allergy medication and Mom has gone back to Ohio--that MM come and "live" with me for a week or two to get the feel for what that will be like before we actually move in together. I think he agrees that it's probably a good idea: it'll give us a chance to see how we interact with each other when we are together all the time, and we can also see how he does with Sebastian before the move is permanent. It's actually early enough in the day for me to get some stuff done around here (or veg out) before I go to bed; what a change from my usual hectic weekends! This one has been busy, but at least now I have some time to relax and/or clean before the work week starts again tomorrow. The upcoming week should be moderately--but not crazy--busy at work. I don't think I have anything terribly pressing on my calendar, and I don't have any travel. In light of all this, I will probably take advantage of having less stress and get back on track with my healthier eating. Tomorrow I will go to the gym after work, then to the grocery for some South Beach-compliant foods. Friday, March 07, 2008 ? 204.8 Whether I eat healthfully or poorly, whether I work out or not, for the past 6-7 weeks my weight has stayed between 203 and 206. For the past 2-3 weeks, I have not really been making a concerted effort to lose weight, so maybe I should just be thankful that the scale isn't going back up. I'm glad it's Friday; it's been a busy week. Of course, in keeping with the way life has been going of late, it's going to be a busy weekend. Lovely. Now I'm about to have a work crisis. Gotta go. Thursday, March 06, 2008 Free-floating anxiety 204.8 (not bad) I am not generally an anxious person. I can be obsessive and a worrier, but I usually handle high stress levels better than the average person. This morning I awoke with a feeling of dread and tightness in my chest. No, not like I was having a heart attack: just a general feeling of ickiness. The way I imagine someone might feel before an impending anxiety attack. I really can't pinpoint the source of this anxiety. I have been very busy and stressed at work, but that seems an unlikely cause, as I am just about caught up after almost two weeks of intense work. MM and I met with his realtor yesterday, so I considered our plans to buy a home soon as a source of anxiety: I have always had a hang-up about purchasing a home, and this purchase will be an even bigger commitment because it is also a commitment to living with MM indefinitely. Still, I don't know if either work or the home buying process are responsible for this feeling. Who knows? I also awoke feeling tired, despite going to bed early. I wonder if my diet of late is a factor: last night, Mom and I met V at Claim Jumper, where I had chicken in a heavy, creamy sauce, mashed potatoes, and bread, as well as chocolate cake. I also woke up feeling hungry today. . . . something that had not happened in quite some time. Something to think about. MM and I will be going to the gym this evening, per our usual Thursday routine. I'm still tired as I sit here (despite 175 mg of caffeine in the form of a grande Caffe Mocha), so I hope hitting the elliptical trainer will boost my energy level. WTF is wrong with me lately?? Tuesday, March 04, 2008 Bullets 204.6 (was 203.6 yesterday) So much going on, I almost don't know where to start. How about the bullet approach? Work: hella busy. Not much more to say except that billing enough time is no longer an issue for me. LOL Foo Fighters concert: rocked. Seriously, one of the best live shows I've ever seen. I went to the concert primarily because MM is a big Foo Fighters fan; I had heard their songs on the radio, but wasn't a particular fan myself. I am now in love with Dave Grohl. Mom: still here and will be until after Easter. On the whole, we are getting along. I did get annoyed with her last night for something trivial and felt bad about getting pissy (though justified in feeling annoyed). Travel: none for me in the next couple of weeks. I *may* be flying to Albuquerque on St Paddy's Day for a deposition, but it's still up in the air. I booked a flight to Ohio in April for my Grandma's 85th birthday party; MM and I are going to Tucson for a weekend in early April to attend a wedding; and MM and I booked our hotel today for our July 4th D.C. trip. Health/weight: I am not strictly following South Beach at the moment, but have been moderating my portions and avoiding sugar/white flour. I've been going to the gym with MM twice a week and walking the dog 2-3 evenings a week. Friends: MM and I had dinner with my friend L and her fiance last Friday (it's their wedding we're attending next month). I finally had lunch with J on Saturday; we hadn't hung out since December because of his school schedule, vacation, move, and girlfriend relocating to Phoenix. Saturday night I had dinner with C and her husband for a belated birthday celebration. Mom and I babysat for KH on Sunday and are having dinner with V tomorrow evening. I'm attending a jewelry party at C's on Saturday. MM: he's great! He was a little moody on Saturday and irked me, but I was over it by the next day; he was also very apologetic. We are meeting with his realtor tomorrow to talk about putting his house on the market so that we can buy a place together in the fall. Sebastian: he's great, too. I received the study course for getting him certified as a therapy dog. I need to fill out a bunch of forms and get him scheduled with an evaluator. His first order of business is seeing the vet for a check-up to ensure he is healthy; he is due for his annual visit this month anyway. And that's my life in a nutshell! Saturday, March 01, 2008 Destined to be 200+? 203.2 It seems that the scale will never again dip below 200 for me. Ah well. It's not like I'm working my ass off with healthy eating and exercise at the moment. I will freely admit that after being stuck in the 202-206 range for weeks, my motivation flagged. So long as I'm not gaining, I can live with it for now. I am still exhausted. I slept in some today, but cannot get over how tired I feel. I am almost starting to wonder if something is physically wrong with me. Well, time will tell. I got in about four hours of work today--about half of what I'd hoped to get done--but it should be enough to keep me from drowning next week. Friday, February 29, 2008 So tired 203.4 I have been tired every day for almost a week. It started after last Friday night at MM's, when he thought it would be fun to wake me for sex at 4:45 a.m. on Saturday morning and keep me up chatting after for almost an hour. Follow that up with bachelorette party, travel via car and airplane, and too much stress at work, and I don't think I've had a satisfying full night's sleep in a week. Aye, aye, aye. My low tolerance for being sleep-deprived is one of several reasons that I've often thought that perhaps parenthood is not for me. Maybe once my Starbucks grande hazelnut latte kicks in I'll feel better. ;-) I sure hope so. . . . I am at work, waiting for a court to call me for a telephonic hearing. I have about seven projects to complete in the next 5 days (not to mention summarizing the depositions I've attended for our clients), but I am going to be spending most of today attending two more depositions. Things at the office are crazy for me at the moment. I am definitely coming in to the office tomorrow to work for at least 6-7 hours, maybe more. I'm getting up in the morning just like it's a regular workday and coming in. I've got to, or I will be ever more behind the eight-ball than I am now. [sigh] MM and I went to the gym last night, then to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner (Mom joined us there). It's been good seeing him these past two nights, even though they've been brief get-togethers. He's great! Tonight MM and I are meeting my Tucson friend L and her fiance for dinner. (L is the friend whose bachelorette party I attended last Saturday.) It should be fun. Tomorrow night I am having dinner with C and her husband (& Mom), a belated celebration of her birthday, which was last week. (MM will be at a basketball game with his dad.) Sunday Mom and I are babysitting for my friend KH for a few hours, and in the evening MM and I are going to the Foo Fighters concert. I am excited about all the things I have going on this weekend (well, except for working all day Saturday). At the same time, it would be nice to have a free weekend when I could do little/nothing. I need some relaxation! Ah well. If being too busy is the worst thing I have to complain about, life is good. ;-) Oh, and on the eating/exercise front: I got "back on the wagon" with South Beach (Phase 2) when I returned to Phoenix on Wednesday (except for a couple of slips with Hershey's miniatures at work). I did my 32-minute elliptical workout the past two nights, and yesterday I also walked the dog for 30 minutes. I haven't been eating enough veggies, but that's an ongoing issue for me. Otherwise, things have been good. Wednesday, February 27, 2008 My dating persona

The Maid of Honor Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLM) Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor. Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you. We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself. Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them. No sense 204.4 The scale makes no sense to me. As previously noted here, I have been off the South Beach eating plan for about a week. I have not exactly been eating with reckless abandon, but I have not been very mindful about healthful eating either. I haven't gotten to go to the gym since last Tuesday. In spite of all this, the scale was lower this morning than when I left for San Francisco. Weird. This morning I put on a pair of pants I bought just after Christmas which I have not worn in a few weeks. They fit perfectly when I bought them (& the last time I wore them) and are now loose: I keep having to pull them up. So I am definitely getting smaller, whether the scale is moving or not. Onward and upward today: I ate my bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch with 1% milk this morning and had a skinny hazelnut latte on the way to work. I brought a South Beach entree for lunch and have plans for a healthy dinner of salad with tofu and pizza on whole wheat crust. MM and I are going to the gym to make up for missing last night; Tuesdays & Thursdays are our usual nights to work out together. I'm glad to be back and getting back into a normal routine. I have a sh1tload to do at work; it's frickin' unbelievable. I have already cancelled my haircut and massage I'd scheduled for Saturday because I am planning on spending the entire day working. I have six assignments due next week; four are pleadings that must be filed with courts. All my work is reviewed by the partner assigned to the case before it goes out, so I need to have a couple of these projects done before Monday. Because I will be in a deposition tomorrow morning and two depositions all of Friday afternoon, I won't have much other time to get stuff done. Ugh. On that note: gotta get back to work! ;-) Tuesday, February 26, 2008 SFO 205.8 (not bad, could’ve been worse) I’m typing this as I’m on a flight to San Francisco and will post it once I check in to my hotel and have wireless internet access. I’m going to San Francisco because I’ll be attending a deposition this afternoon and two more depositions tomorrow before flying back to Phoenix tomorrow evening. The witnesses for these depositions are the plaintiff, his mother, and a family friend in one of my more interesting medical malpractice cases; I’m actually looking forward to them because I think they will probably be interesting. Also, after spending so much time working on this case, I’m just curious to see them face-to-face. I am not the attorney taking the lead on the depositions, so that’s less stressful for me, too. It’s also fun to visit a different city. Although I’ve been to SF before, it’s been about six years. I won’t have much time to explore, but a change of scene is nice. Though I am leaving a shitload of work I could be doing behind in the office these two days. Ah well. I once again had a busy weekend. Friday night, MM and I went to dinner, then decided we were both too tired for a late movie and just hung out at his house instead. Saturday morning, Mom and I went to brunch, then to my office for a couple of hours where she helped me with some file organization I’d been putting off. Saturday night I drove up to Tucson to attend friend L’s bachelorette party. The party was fun, and it was good to see several friends/acquaintances from my old job. I stayed out really late for me: past midnight! ;) I limited myself to four drinks, despite the temptation to have more, and I was still tired the next day. (Did I mention that two of the drinks were a Jello shot in the shape of a penis—complete with testicles—and a “blow job”?) I stayed with my friend M at my old house in Tucson, who woke me up early on Sunday (at my request) so that we could chat before she headed out for the day. (We knew it would probably be the only chance we’d have to see each other and talk while I was in town.) Mid-morning on Sunday I picked up my CASA child M for an outing. Because Friday was M’s 8th birthday, I let her choose what we would do; she wanted to see the Hannah Montana concert movie. Between the movie and the toys I bought her, I think she was happy with how the day turned out. ;) I drove home to Phoenix in the late afternoon. Within an hour of arriving home, MM came to take Mom and me out to dinner and a movie. We enjoyed our dinner, but didn’t much care for the movie, Be Kind Rewind. But MM couldn’t complain much because it was his suggestion. LOL So that was my weekend. In addition to drinking alcohol on Saturday night, I didn’t eat very well. Not huge amounts, but I have definitely not been following the South Beach plan: I didn’t eat a single meal at home, the only vegetables I had all weekend were in my salad at last night’s dinner, and trips to Arby’s and McDonald’s were some of my meals. Ugh. While I am out of town today and tomorrow, I am going to try to get back on track; I really have no reason not to. I’m going to work out at the hotel’s gym this evening, and MM and I are going to go to LA Fitness together on Wednesday and Thursday nights when I return. I’m lucky that Mom is in town for this trip because she is taking care of Sebastian for me. The poor boy has been sadly neglected by me over the past few days; I know he’s glad that “Grandma De” is here to fill the void. He looked very sad when he saw me leaving this morning. That’s my life in a nutshell. I’ve been too busy to do much deep thinking of late: I have lots of irons in the fire at work, and the things I’m working on generally require focused attention. Even my drives to and from Tucson were not times for quiet reflection because I used the time to call friends I haven’t talked with in weeks and catch up. It’s ironic, too, that I’ve been particularly busy of late because I was finally beginning to feel some motivation to get my apartment organized and decluttered. But it’s pretty hard to do that when you aren’t even sleeping at home four nights out of a week. I’m happy with my life. I sometimes think, though, that it’s so full now, between work, MM, my friends, my family, and my volunteer work with CASA, that I really don’t have time for anything else. Yet in spite of this thought, I am planning to take on more volunteering as a pet therapy team with Sebastian and even contemplate having a child in the not-so-distant future. Oh well. I suppose, like anyone else, I will somehow manage to find a way to juggle all the things I want to do. It’s hard to imagine how I will continue to be a good employee, daughter/sister, friend, and girlfriend if I have a child, though. Friday, February 22, 2008 Don't take a day off 204.4 (was 205.8 yesterday) I stayed home from work yesterday because I woke up with GI distress. I worked a couple of hours from home in the afternoon, but really couldn't get much done because I hadn't brought much work home with me. Well, there was PLENTY waiting for me when I got to the office this morning! I spent most of today preparing documents relevant to a court order we received yesterday afternoon while I was out; we have a short turnaround time and governmental clients, so I really had to get the ball rolling ASAP. One thing I dislike about being a lawyer (compared to being a nurse): taking a day off is a bitch. All my work waits for me when I'm out of the office. At the hospital, you could take vacation or a sick day, and someone else would do your work (take care of patients) in your stead; I never came back to work and had things piled up. Ah well. It's been overcast and gray here all day: a very un-Arizona-like day overall. I never complain about cooler weather here, though, because I know I will have all the warmth I want and more all summer long. I have been off the wagon with South Beach since Wednesday night. Not sure what came over me. MM wanted to order pizza, and I joined him in that. I've done that once or twice before since starting SB, but this time I've gone beyond that one meal and continued to eat carbs & sugar (I had a piece of chocolate cake for breakfast today). This next few days will be a challenge eating-wise: I have a bachelorette party tomorrow night, Chuck E. Cheese's on Sunday, and travel Monday and Tuesday. Also, I probably won't get much exercise in: I may hit the gym in the morning (if I'm not a lazy slug) and on Monday night at the hotel (if I'm not too swamped with work), but that'll probably be it. [sigh] On a positive note, Sebastian is going to become a therapy dog! I attended an informational session last night for a local group called Gabriel's Angels; volunteers visit abused & neglected children in crisis nurseries, domestic violence shelters, and group homes. The requirements may take a while to complete, but are not terribly arduous, and I think he will enjoy it: he loves giving love to everyone he meets, and he is terrific with kids. I'm out. Tuesday, February 19, 2008 30 shopping days left before my birthday 204.0 Considering my mom and I had Mexican food for dinner last night--and everything I ate had a ton of melted cheese on it--I'm not too disappointed with this morning's scale reading. It does seem that I am not going to be getting under 200 lbs any time soon, though. MM and I are going to the gym this evening. (I went last night, too.) I'm looking forward to seeing him! We will probaby get dinner at Chipotle after, unless he changes his mind and decides he wants something else. ;-) I'm not really in the mood to be at the office today. Maybe it's because I was off the past four days. Oh well. I may cut out early and work at home for a few hours. It's a gorgeous day today: high 60s/low 70s, sunny with just a few high clouds. Lovely. Gotta get back to working on a lovely motion. . . . . Monday, February 18, 2008 Presidents' Day 203.6 My office was closed today, so I didn't have to go to work. I'd intended to work some from home, but that didn't happen--ah well. My calendar tomorrow is literally empty--no appointments or deadlines--so I can probably get mostly caught up even though I did nothing today. Mom and I saw Definitely, Maybe with Mike's mom today, then had lunch at Claim Jumper. We had fun; I liked the movie. Yesterday Mom and I took Sebastian to the dog park. He made several friends there and played a lot. One dog in particular didn't leave Sebastian's side for about 45 minutes; even when Sebastian would lie down to rest, this dog ("Floyd") would lie down with him. . . . on top of him, actually. It was really cute: Sebastian is still exhausted today from his hour or so at the dog park yesterday. I guess he really isn't a puppy anymore. :-( MM took me to dinner last night at The Melting Pot for a late Valentine's celebration. I enjoyed it. We were in a little private booth with curtains around it and everything. . . . very romantic. ;-) He really went all out for Valentine's Day, I will say: in addition to my dozen red roses and the romantic dinner, he also got me a 60-minute massage at the spa of a local world-class resort. My roses still look gorgeous; two are fully open now and smell great. I can't wait to enjoy my massage! I spent almost an hour today "decluttering" my wardrobe. I got rid of a bunch of things that no longer fit or that I'm tired of; I gave about 10-12 items to my mom and am giving almost 50 to Goodwill. It felt really good to purge my closets and unpack a few boxes I hadn't touched since 2-3 moves ago! It did highlight, however, how I am lacking some key basics in a size that currently fits me. (Based on all the clothes I tried on today, I'm a solid 16 at the moment.) Now I'm going to have to go shopping at some point in the near future. . . . . oh well. I went to the gym this evening. It felt good to get a workout in. I will only be able to go to the gym on Tuesday evening this week because of other commitments the other nights. Maybe I will go Saturday morning, too, to get my three days in. Friday, February 15, 2008 Texas 203.4 The scale remains over 200, in spite of my efforts. Whatever. Mom and I are in Pearland, just outside Houston, Texas, for my friend D's wedding. The wedding went off uneventfully this evening. We'll be visiting D and her family at home tomorrow morning, then heading back to the airport before noon to catch our flight back to Phoenix. It's been raining since we got here; it was misting/drizzling when we landed and pouring by the time we got back to our hotel tonight. MM says it was raining today in Phoenix, too, though just a light rain. I'd thought I might work out at the fitness center in our hotel, but I forget to bring my workout clothes and shoes. Oh well. Maybe I will hit the gym tomorrow afternoon upon my return if we're on time and I'm not too tired. I can hardly believe it, but I never had coffee today! I had about 12 oz of diet Coke and no other caffeine. I had a little headache for a while in the afternoon, but overall the caffeine withdrawal wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I'm glad I was able to be here for D's wedding. Thursday, February 14, 2008 Happy Valentine's Day 202.4 In honor of one of my favorite bloggers (www.snackiepoo.com), I'm posting for Self-Love Day today. I'll post one thing I love about myself, and readers who wish to do so can post one thing they love about me, too. One thing I love about myself is that I am self-aware. I know my flaws, and I keep thinking about ways of trying to improve myself. Yes, I fall down often, but I get back up and try again. No one is perfect, and I believe that there's no glory in only taking pride in our native gifts; the struggle is part of our purpose. Wednesday, February 13, 2008 9:30 to Yuma 203.4 (better) The scale is back to where I might expect to see it this morning. Is it possible that, after my eating on Sunday, it took three days for my weight to return to normal? Who knows. I had a good eating day yesterday and did 32 minutes on the elliptical trainer (with my heart rate in the aerobic range). I'm driving to Yuma today for a deposition and a court hearing. It's over three hours each way. Mom is going along for the ride. After court, I'm having dinner with friends F and T. I haven't seen them since last March: they moved away from Tucson the same weekend that SL and I broke up. I really like them, though in some ways I always considered F to be a closer friend of SL's than of mine; F would have been SL's best man at our wedding. In any event, the road trip will be nice; I'll bill a lot of hours for today, between the depo, hearing, and travel; and it'll be fun to see F and T (and their 13-month-old son). Seven plus hours of driving would be kind of boring if Mom weren't going with me. Poor Sebastian is going to be alone all day. He has gotten quite used to "Grandma De" spending at least part of each day with him. MM is coming by after work to feed and walk him, as we will be back very late (likely after 11:00). MM sent me a dozen long-stemmed red roses for Valentine's Day! They arrived at my office yesterday, and they're gorgeous. He says this is "the first half" of my gift, so I can't imagine what else he's getting me. What a sweetie. We went to the gym last night and to IHOP for dinner with Mom, as planned. He's wonderful! ;-) Tuesday, February 12, 2008 Tuesday 205.0 (whatever) The scale remains up, but I'm not going to focus on it today. All I can do is make healthy food choices each day and exercise; the weight loss will eventually come if I keep doing those things. I ate at home last night and had a healthful meal, and Mom and I took the dog for a walk around the neighborhood, so yesterday was a good day. I really don't feel much like working today, which is bad because I have quite a few things I need to get done. Ah well. I'll snap out of it shortly, I'm sure. One of the downsides of private practice: unlike when I worked for the government, I don't have the luxury of doing nothing all day, even for one day. MM and I are going to the gym this evening after work. Mom saw an ad on TV for free pancakes at IHOP today, so she is determined to go there for dinner. Pancakes are definitely not on my list of South Beach-compliant foods, but I'll just order something else, I guess. Not much else exciting to report. Friday morning, Mom and I fly to Houston for my friend D's wedding; we'll be flying back the following afternoon. MM and I are going to a hockey game on Saturday night, then to The Melting Pot on Sunday for a late Valentine's celebration. Monday my office is closed for Presidents' Day, so Mom and I are going to a movie with MM's mom (Definitely, Maybe). Just gotta get through the week. . . . Monday, February 11, 2008 Road trips 205.2 I ate a lot of "forbidden" carbs yesterday, and I believe that's why the scale is up this morning. I had a regular caffe mocha with sugar, pizza for lunch, and a chocolate muffin and two chocolate chip cookies with dinner. I may well be a little dehydrated, too, as we did a lot of walking outside (and it was close to 80 degrees), and I didn't drink much water until dinner. I had a busy and fun weekend. Friday night Mom and I had dinner at Pei Wei; later I went over to MM's and spent the night. Saturday Mom, KC, and I drove to Wickenburg for a local festival. The trip itself turned out to be something of a bust, but it was still good to spend time with KC, and we saw some beautiful country. Saturday evening MM and I went out for BBQ, then back to his place to watch a movie (we turned it off halfway through because it moved too slowly). Sunday late morning, Mom, MM, and I met my friend KH and her mom for a historic home tour in KH's neighborhood (her house was built in 1930). The home tour was really cool; there was also an associated street fair. We all enjoyed ourselves; even MM, who went more to humor me than because he wanted to. It was a gorgeous day: sunny, clear, 77 degrees. Another fun part of Sunday was seeing KH's baby son, who is not-quite-7-months-old. He's a real cutie. He was very interested in MM's baseball cap and kept trying to pull it off. First time I've seen MM interact with a baby. I found out this morning that I'll be going to Yuma on Wednesday for a deposition. I've invited Mom to go along for a road trip: I figure she can go to the mall while I'm at the depo. My first-ever trip to Yuma. I may try to meet friends F and T, who now live in Yuma, for dinner while we're there, too. Friday, February 08, 2008 Friday 202.6 (yes) I was a little concerned before I hopped on the scale this morning because I ate out last night, and that often translates to a (temporary) "gain" for me. I made a healthy choice--pizza with a whole-wheat crust and a salad with tofu--but I still thought I might see a higher number this morning. So I'm psyched! I can't wait to get under 200. I know, I know. . . . it shouldn't be all about the scale. But seeing a lower number always seems to give a mental boost. Because today is casual Friday, I'm wearing my favorite jeans to work. They are definitely getting loose on me. . . . which on the one hand makes me happy, because it's clear evidence of weight losss. . . . but on the other hand is a bummer because it means I may have to buy new jeans some time soon. Typical workday. I'm glad it's almost the weekend. Thursday, February 07, 2008 Out of the office 203.6 I'm at a deposition this morning. I'm glad to be out of the office; I have been writing or doing research all week, and it was getting a little old. The plaintiffs' attorney is long-winded, which is boring but also means a longer deposition and thus more time out of the office. I'm feeling pretty well today. Still a little cough, but overall I seem to be coughing less. I'll be going to the gym with MM this evening, and I'm looking forward to it. After the gym, MM is taking Mom and me to dinner. We will probably get pizza; I'm hoping we will go to a little place that offers whole wheat crust and salads with tofu. I hope MM and Mom like each other. I'm sure it'll be fine. Why is it so difficult and slow to lose weight? I've been following SB Phase 2, eating veggies, drinking lots of water, went to the gym on Tuesday, walked the dog the past two evenings, and still the scale is staying about the same: just under 205. When I was gaining weight, I know it came on more quickly then this; I gained about 15 lbs in less than 3 months leading up to my planned wedding to SL alone. Ah well. I guess I should count my blessings that my constant battle with weight is my only physical struggle: I don't have asthma, allergies, diabetes, drug addiction, or mental illness. Well, and my migraines, but they are not frequent, thank God. I will say this: eating the way I have been over the past 4+ weeks, my energy level has been much higher and more constant. Going along with that, I've also felt a lot clearer mentally. I occasionally have an urge to eat chocolate, and I still think longingly of cake, brownies, and the like, but I wouldn't say I crave them; the urges are totally mental, not physical at all. I genuinely feel that I could continue to eat this way indefinitely. I've also really enjoyed getting back to the gym. In fact, I was quite bummed when my bronchitis derailed my gym routine. MM provides good motivation for me on the exercise front because he's so dedicated; when we have plans to go to the gym together, I never consider skipping. The view I'm taking now of the whole diet/exercise thing is that I am going to have to make daily efforts for life. I'm interested to see what effect my improved diet and increased exercise will have on my cholesterol levels when I go back to the doctor in July. Obviously, I hope that my efforts will get my numbers into a healthy range. I'd also like to look better, but this time appearance is definitely secondary in my mind. And as I have mentioned before on this blog, one of my reasons for wanting to lose weight and improve my general is to increase my chances of a healthy pregnancy some day. I'm still not entirely sure that a pregnancy is in my future. . . but just in case. Gotta pay attention now. . . Wednesday, February 06, 2008 Blah 204.8 (but I forgot to weigh before eating) The scale is up again this morning, but I refuse to stress about it because I had finished breakfast before I realized that I hadn't weighed yet. I don't think weighing after eating gives an accurate weight. I still can't shake my frickin' cough. It's really annoying. I honestly don't know how I would live with asthma or allergies; if I coughed like this all the time, it would drive me nuts. As it is, it's been less than a week since I finished antibiotics for my bronchitis, so it's not unexpected that some cough lingers. Luckily I don't cough at night, so it's not disturbing my sleep, but it bugs me during the day. Well, one good thing about my cough: it encourages me to drink extra water because I am constantly thinking that moistening my throat will make me cough less. MM and I went to the gym last night, and I did 28 minutes on the elliptical trainer (people were waiting). I used the elliptical trainer that uses the upper body also, so I didn't lift weights, too. My cough actually wasn't that bad while I was working out, and overall I felt pretty good. It was good to get back into the gym routine. For some unknown reason, I had some lower GI distress yesterday evening before and during my workout, so that was unpleasant, but it didn't interfere with my eating dinner at Chipotle after the gym. MM and I will hit the gym tomorrow night again, too. I took Sebastian for a 20-minute walk with my mom before the gym yesterday and plan to do the same this evening. The boy needs his exercise, and it's good for Mom and me to get out and walk, too. Work is blah. I have stuff to do, but I'm not working on anything that I'd classify as interesting. Ah well. MM told me today on the phone that he is going to use part of his half-day off tomorrow to get my Valentine's gift. He won't tell me what it is, but apparently it is going to take him some time to "arrange" it. Hmmm. I guess a surprise will be fun. Tuesday, February 05, 2008 The scale lies 203.8 OK, so I guess yesterday's scale reading wasn't as accurate as I had hoped. Yesterday was an average eating day for me, and I drank a ton of water. I also felt good, so today's weight may be more accurate--who knows. MM and I are going to the gym this evening. I haven't worked out since 1/25, so I'm looking forward to getting back on track. I am totally recovered from my bronchitis, except for a lingering occasional cough; nothing that should adversely affect my workout, though. I am down 11 lbs since starting South Beach on 1/2, so that's something to be happy about. If I could lose just half that much each month, I could weigh what I should weigh before the end of this year. I am primarily exercising and dieting this time because of my health, so any progress I make is good. I'll be interested to see how much weight I can lose--and what effect it will have on my cholesterol levels--between now and early July when I go back to the doctor. I wore some size 14 pants to work yesterday, too, so I am obviously getting smaller. . . . albeit not as quickly as I'd like. Today's pants are size 16 and a little loose on me. So I'm getting there. Today the sun is out again, which is nice. It's rare for us to have a day without sunshine here. I don't mind a gloomy, gray day once in a while, but I don't like a steady diet of them. (If I did, I'd live in Seattle or Cork instead of Phoenix!) Here's hoping for a good workout! Monday, February 04, 2008 February already 201.8 (yippee) Very happy with the number on the scale this morning. I'm thinking it's probably pretty accurate: my eating was average all weekend, I shouldn't be dehydrated, and my period is over. Time will tell, I suppose. If this is a true reading, I should be under 200 very soon. MM and I (along with some friends of his) hung out down by the arena yesterday since the Super Bowl was in town. It was fun hearing all the live music and seeing the fans milling around. We got a really funny photo with some folks dressed as Patriots. Later we returned to MM's place to watch the actual game, which was exciting, even for those of us who didn't care about the outcome. The only downside of my weekend was that I started getting a headache when the game started, and it developed into a migraine. (Not sure what triggered it: I drank less than half a beer a few hours before, so maybe that did it.) Imitrex & ibuprofen did not get rid of my migraine, so I ended up going to bed at 9:00. I felt 100% again this morning, though, thank goodness. I'm just as in love with MM as ever! He's a great guy. He discovered this weekend that I have this blog; he was using my BlackBerry to access espn.com and saw the url. He was very curious to read it, but didn't when I asked him not to. He did ask that I not post his photo or real name on here because of his job, so I will honor that request. Mom is here. We had our outing with MM's mom on Saturday, and it went well. It's cloudy and rainy here today. I never complain about cooler weather here, though, because the summers are so long and brutal. Back to work! Friday, February 01, 2008 Liberal Democrat 203.2 (yes!) I am not a particularly political person. Pressed to identify my views, I would likely say that I am a Democrat and a liberal, though I'm mostly more middle-of-the-road and am registered as an independent. Goodness knows, I have several friends who are quite liberal. . . . letting me know that I am not that far left in my views. The first presidential election I voted in was the 1992 election: George HW Bush v. Bill Clinton. I voted for Clinton in 1992 and again in 1996. I LOVED Bill Clinton. I have not yet decided for whom I will vote in this year's presidential election, but when MM called me yesterday to ask if I wanted to go hear Bill Clinton speak--he was in town campaigning for Hillary--I jumped at the chance. MM and I went to hear him speak, and I enjoyed it. I still love Bill Clinton. I wish he could run for president again. On our way home from the rally, I had this thought: if I were with SL, last night's outing never would have happen. As a conservative, SL would never have suggested going to see Bill Clinton speak; he wouldn't even have been willing to go had I suggested it. One of many nice things about having a liberal Democrat boyfriend. ;-) My mom finally arrived last night just before we left for the rally. It'll be good to have her here. I was pretty psyched about the number on the scale this morning. . . . particularly given the fact that I ate dinner after 10:00 p.m. last night at In N Out Burger. (I had my burger "protein style"--no bun--but I did eat half an order of french fries.) If I weigh 203.2 while I'm on my period, after not working out for a week and having In N Out the night before, I must be pretty darn close to 200. In a way, it's really sad that my weight loss goal at the moment is simply to weigh less than 200 lbs. . . . . but hey, baby steps. I'm also looking forward to fitting into my size 14 clothes again. A few items fit at the moment, and my size 16 stuff is getting loose, but I'm not quite to size 14 yet. Had MM and I not gone to the Clinton rally last night, I would've gone to the gym. I finally felt up to it. Perhaps I will go tonight after work. . . . maybe not, though, because Mom is expecting to go to dinner with me. Saturday morning, maybe? Busy weekend ahead. I'll be eating out a lot, so I just hope I can make good food choices. Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) About Me S I'm a 39-year-old woman who lives in the American Southwest and is continually working on self-improvement. I share my life with my husband MM and our wonderful Golden Retrievers, Sebastian and Hunter. I started this blog long before I met MM, primarily to write about my struggles with my weight and trying to get organized. I still continue to struggle in both areas, so I write on those topics more often than anything else, but I also write about my daily life and occasionally post a rant or hop on the bandwagon with the themes of other bloggers' posts. . . wherever the mood takes me. View my complete profile Followers Blog Archive ▼ 2012 (1) ▼ May (1) Abandoned ► 2011 (7) ► April (1) ► March (1) ► February (3) ► January (2) ► 2010 (76) ► October (3) ► September (6) ► August (14) ► July (11) ► June (3) ► May (2) ► April (5) ► March (12) ► February (8) ► January (12) ► 2009 (152) ► December (13) ► November (8) ► October (11) ► September (10) ► August (12) ► July (13) ► June (15) ► May (9) ► April (14) ► March (16) ► February (16) ► January (15) ► 2008 (197) ► December (15) ► November (11) ► October (18) ► September (13) ► August (16) ► July (15) ► June (16) ► May (13) ► April (27) ► March (17) ► February (18) ► January (18) ► 2007 (156) ► December (15) ► November (20) ► October (24) ► September (28) ► August (22) ► July (14) ► June (10) ► May (10) ► April (8) ► March (1) ► February (1) ► January (3) ► 2006 (122) ► December (7) ► November (6) ► October (6) ► September (10) ► August (16) ► July (13) ► June (28) ► May (14) ► April (10) ► March (8) ► February (1) ► January (3)