Friday, March 28, 2008


I’m not sure if it’s a function of my advancing age, the fact that my sister has a baby, or the simple truth that a bazillion other women I know have had babies within the past three years (OK, not a bazillion, but at least 25). I increasingly find myself thinking about motherhood. Not in a pie-in-the-sky, idealistic, that’d-be-great-someday way. . . . but in a logical and pragmatic way. As in: if I actually had a child, how would I make it work?

As I believe the majority of women do—with some notable exceptions—I have always just assumed that I would be a mother someday. When I was in my teens and twenties, aside from an occasional pregnancy scare, that “someday” seemed a long way off. I distinctly recall thinking as a teenager that I would accomplish at least three things by age 30: I’d have a career I loved, I’d be married, and I’d have at least one child. (Actually, I was 0 for 3 on my 30th birthday. . . . but that’s another whole post.)

When I applied to law school at age 29, the thought crossed my mind that my decision to change to a less flexible career at that stage of my life might impact my ability to have a child later. I cannot say that it didn’t occur to me. But at the time, I was working in a field where I was not happy and where I felt that my best attributes were going to waste. I was still unmarried then, and I placed a higher premium on having a more enjoyable and intellectually challenging career than on planning for a baby who certainly wasn’t going to arrive while I was single and might never come at all. Even if I’d considered single motherhood—and I had, fleetingly—I was in no financial position to pursue it.

My focus on law school for the three years from age 30 to age 33 put thoughts of childbearing pretty much completely out of my mind. For the first time in many years, I was loving what I was doing and learning tons; I was also enjoying a very full and active social life after a few years of being fairly solitary.

The first year or so of law practice was the same: I was too occupied with other things to dwell much on the fact that I remained single and childless. During that time, I met SL, and our relationship gradually progressed to commitment, then living together, then an engagement.

When SL and I got engaged, because of my (by then) advanced age of 35, we made plans to start trying to have a baby six months after our planned wedding in April 2007. We figured that, even if I got pregnant relatively quickly, by the time we had a baby I’d be at least 37 years old.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know that SL and I never got married. (For those of you who may be newer to my blog, here’s the entry I wrote when we broke up: In the weeks following our cancelled wedding and broken engagement, I was too busy processing a lot of difficult emotions and contemplating “where do I go from here” to think too much about motherhood. . . . except to realize that finding myself still single and alone at 36 made it much less likely that I would have a baby of my own before I was too old to do so.

I ended things with SL with the assumption that I’d be alone for a while. Over the course of my adult life, it has been common for me to see three, four, even five years pass between significant relationships. I believe this has in part been because it sometimes took me quite a while to get over a breakup with certain men, but even more because I have never been one who readily meets men or gets into relationships with them. Yes, some have even gone so far as to say I’m “picky.” While I deny being picky, I readily admit that my lifestyle has not been conducive to meeting the type of men in whom I’m interested, and that I've probably gone out on dates with four or five men for every one that became a lasting part of my life.

I am now in a different place mentally than I was a year ago. I am (unexpectedly) in a good relationship with a man I love. That man wants to be a father as much as (if not more than) I want to be a mother. We have discussed the prospect of having a child together on a number of occasions. He is ready to have a baby yesterday. (Although he is not pressuring me in any way.)

I don’t know that I’ve ever given up my hope to have a child of my own; I’ve just deferred it or pushed it aside in favor of pursuing other desires. Although I have mixed feelings about the realities of actually being a mother, I can’t say that it’s not something I want to do. And at 37, if “someday” is not soon, it will probably become “never.”

Here is the thought that's been in my mind a lot lately: when I think of my daily life as it is today, it is hard for me to imagine adding a child—a baby—to the mix. When I was a nurse, I had a lot of flexibility at work, usually only working three days a week. Moreover, when I was a nurse I had always *assumed* that I would cut back to working part-time if I had a baby.

Now that I’m a lawyer, cutting my work hours to part-time is less of an option. Doing that would severely limit my career advancement, significantly impact my income, and would probably mean having to leave my current position. And to be honest: I’m not sure I want to stop working full-time, even if I could. I like what I do. I was more willing to give work up when I was doing something I didn’t really enjoy.

Between work, family, friends, volunteering, and just plain lazy time, I find it hard to see how I would fit in time to be a good mom. I know people juggle these things everyday. . . . but everyone else is not me, and if I decide to do the mom thing, there will be no half measures; I will do a good job of it or not do it all. In my opinion, it's too important a job to approach in any other fashion.

Yes, it might seem strange for me to be pondering this while I am on the pill and not even trying to get pregnant, but hey—that’s me! Always thinking five steps ahead. And in the case of a huge, life-changing undertaking like motherhood, there’s no going back once you’ve made the choice.

Friends say that you willingly make all these accommodations and sacrifices when you have a child. . . . but is that universally true? I guess on some level, I fear that I will be one of the minority who thinks after the birth “oh shit—this is not for me.” Ruh-roh

Lots to think about. . . . .

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Eating in


I was very proud of myself yesterday. In addition to trying to establish routines, I've also decided that I need to eat out less. Now eating out is a big part of my social life, but I'm not talking about eliminating THAT kind of eating out. I'm talking about the eating out where I'm doing it simply because I didn't take the time or effort to plan a meal. There's nothing "fun" about running out for Taco Bell on my lunch hour or picking up take-out on my way home from work just because I know I don't have anything at home to eat.

Yesterday, I technically ate breakfast "out," since I stopped at Starbucks for coffee and also got a muffin, rather than having cereal at home. But I brought my lunch, and I made a meal of pasta and sausage in the evening.

For people who regularly do this, it probably seems silly that I consider this an accomplishment. I am far from being a domestic goddess, though. I know it is healthier not to eat out all the time, but my main motivation is that I feel that I am pissing away a lot of money with my lack of planning, too.
I was doing a little internet research on my lunch hour yesterday (funny how I had extra time when I didn't have to go out to get food) about what is a reasonable amount to spend on food each month for one person. I estimated that I spend $500-600 because I eat out so often. Some people spend as little as $150-200! I could certainly use that $350-400 extra for something better than crappy take-out, so I hope this trend continues. Heck, even if I just stuck $300 a month in my 401(k), that would add up. . . . and I wouldn't even miss the money, since now it's going to waste, basically.

Not sure what my problem is today: I just can't get motivated this morning. I practically had to use a crowbar to get my a$$ out of bed--I hit snooze over 10 times. I am finally up and about now and have checked my work email, but I haven't even showered yet, so I certainly haven't gone to the office yet. I will just have to stay late and go straight to the gym from there. . . . which is perhaps not such a bad thing.

Not much else to report. Mom is still sick, but said last night that she was feeling somewhat better; she seemed less tired anyway. Poor her.

I'm glad this week is almost over!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Order and routines


I derive such comfort and pleasure from routines and order that I don't know why I sometimes seem to rebel against them. I arrived at work this morning focused and ready to work: I knew I had a lot to accomplish, and I knew I had to leave the office for an hour in the afternoon to pick up Mom from the airport.

I worked steadily from the time I arrived, then spent 20 minutes clearing off my desk and getting re-organized in the mid-morning, after which I was even more focused. All in all, I had a very productive day at work. Lots more tasks still left on the to-do list, but the list has been whittled down somewhat, and I billed a solid amount of hours today despite having to take a break and drive to the airport.

This evening--after a 2-week hiatus due to his illness and mine--MM and I got back into our Tuesday-Thursday routine and went to the gym. After the gym, we went to a favorite pizza place in the same plaza: they have the coolest combinations, and you can also "design your own." Plus they have chunks of tofu in their salads, which I love. MM always gets either sausage or pepperoni on your standard white crust with red sauce; I usually get a salad and the pizza called "The Volcano," which has pepperjack cheese, Red Hot sauce, sausage, and jalapenos--great for clearing my sinuses. LOL

It felt really good to get a good workout in! I lifted weights (upper body only) and did 27 minutes on the elliptical trainer (covered 2 miles). I'd loaded a few new songs onto my iPod's workout playlist, too, and it was fun to have some new music playing while I exercised.

I thoroughly enjoyed just spending an ordinary evening with MM. Sometimes I think that I enjoy our Tuesdays & Thursdays as much (or more than?) our weekend dates.

Now I'm home, blogging and (obsessively) checking my work email. (I have several balls in the air at the moment on a few different cases, and some co-defendants' attorneys email in the evenings.) I plan to throw in another load of laundry shortly and put away the laundry I did yesterday. . . . I'm proud to say that I've done a load of laundry each of the last two nights and put the clothes away. ;-)

It's weird how just having a cleared-off desk at work, a managable to-do list, having a (relatively) clean apartment, and getting in some exercise has had a positive effect on my mood. Hmmmmm. . . . .

Mom is back and feeling like crap: she now has the cold that I suffered with through last week. She is achy, coughing, congested, and exhausted. Poor thing. I've just put her to bed with a cool cloth on her head (after dosing her with some of my codeine cough medicine).
Off to do laundry and spend some "quality time" with Sebastian.

P.S. By popular demand, the picture above is one of me and KC from Saturday night's birthday dinner that sort-of shows my new hairstyle and color. MM has banned me from posting his photos, but KC has not given me the same directive. ;-)

Sunday, March 23, 2008

92% Drunkard

The ironic thing about my EXCELLENT score is that I rarely ever drink alcohol anymore! (Ever since I realized it's one of my migraine triggers.)


You Are A Green Girl

You Are A Green Girl
You feel most at home in a world of ideas.
You're curious and logical - and enjoy a good intellectual challenge.
You're super cool, calm, and collected. Very little tries your patience.
Your only fear? People not realizing how smart and able you are!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me

203.6 (not bad after having Pei Wei for dinner last night)
Today is my 37th birthday. I know some people don't like having birthdays or don't like making a big deal out of them, but I am the opposite: I love my birthday and definitely consider it an occasion worth celebrating. Even though I am now getting perilously close to 40. LOL
MM and I will be watching Indiana play Arkansas in the NCAA tournament at a local sports bar tonight. Fun, fun. I am looking forward to hanging out with him.
I still have a little lingering congestion and cough, but feel that I am (finally) on the mend. Being sick has really sucked. With the improvement in my symptoms, I've also seen an improvement in my mood. And the fact that it's my birthday probably helps, too.
I have had calls or messages from a few friends, and suspect that I have some birthday cards waiting in my mailbox--I haven't checked the mail this week because Mom had been doing it for me and I've gotten out of the habit. Both my parents called this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday, too.
Work is mellow today. A lot of people took today off because it's Good Friday. I need to prepare for a deposition on Monday morning, but I don't have anything else that's terribly pressing.
I went to my hairstylist last night, so my hair looks fabulous today! LOL I decided to get all-over hair color, instead of just highlights, to cover my ever-increasing gray hairs. I figured at 37, I need all the help I can get to look younger.
I'm finally going to the spa to take advantage of my Valentine's Day massage tomorrow. Hooray!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Welcome home!

Winter/Spring 2004
eHarmony markets itself as being different from (and superior to) other online dating sites. It touts its "29 dimensions of compatibility." This site is supposed to the one people come to when they are actually looking for true love, rather than just looking for a good time.
After a couple of months of dating guys I met through, for those who are unfamiliar, offers no screening and is basically a personals ad--I decided to give eHarmony a try. Surely the men who were pre-screened for me would be better matches than those who just saw my photo, read my ad, and decided to contact me. Surely these men are serious and ready to get involved with someone.
I hit it off with the third guy I go out with, who we'll call Steven (not his real name). We exchange our first emails on February 13 and meet for a drink that same night. He is not my physical ideal, but he's funny, and conversation flows easily. Due to schedule conflicts, we don't have an actual first date for another ten days or so. Date #2 goes well; so does date #3. Soon we are talking on the phone or via email almost every day.
The night before I am due to fly to Ireland for a two-week trip, he takes me to dinner with his closest friends, a couple. (This is date #6 or #7; we have been seeing each other for about a month at this point, and yeah, we're doin' it.) He marvels at my independence in being willing to fly to Ireland unaccompanied.
Although I really like Steven, I am not yet sold on the idea of a long-term relationship with him. He is 7 years older than I, which in and of itself is not a deal breaker; however, he and I seem to be at different stages of our lives. He is a long-divorced father of a 15-year-old daughter who has been working in the same field for 15 years (with the same employer for 11 of those). I am a never-married, childless graduate student about to start my second career.
Nevertheless, I leave for Ireland thinking things are going very well between Steven and me. He is very sweet as he says good night and wishes me a good trip. We make plans to get together when I return. While I am in Ireland, he and I exchange a few emails, including one for my birthday, which falls during the trip.
When my flight lands back in Arizona, I am happy to be home and looking forward to seeing Steven again. I call his cell phone and get voicemail; I leave a cheery message and am not too surprised, thinking he is probably busy with his daughter.
The following morning, I check my email and find the following message (its subject line is the title of this post):
Hi Cutie,

I hope your trip was everything you dreamed it would be. I would love to hear all about it. However, before we schedule that, I need to let you know that over the past couple of weeks my ex-girlfriend contacted me and we have decided to give it another try. I really enjoy the time I spend with you and hope we can continue having lunch and being friends. I will leave it up to you to let me know if that is something that is possible.

Let me know your thoughts,

Am I the only one who thinks that "cutie" is an inappropriate form of address for someone with whom you are about to end things? You can guess whether I decide that we can continue to be friends and have lunch (note: the last lunch we had together didn't involve food).
And now I've officially been given the brush-off for the first time via e-mail. I guess it could've been worse; it could've been a text message.

Not Me

204.8 (yesterday was 203.8)
I really don't know what the f&%^ is wrong with me lately. I cannot shake this latest cold I've got: I've now had it for a week. I haven't felt weak or tired or achy since the first 2-3 days, but I continue to be plagued with head congestion and periodic coughing fits. The coughing fits give me headaches, too, which totally sucks. Nothing seems to relieve these headaches, either. . . . except not coughing.
May I just add that, yes, I HAVE been drinking lots of fluids, getting plenty of rest, taking multi-vitamins and extra vitamin C and zinc, and taking Zicam. None of that sh1t has worked to kick this.
In addition to not being physically recovered from my THIRD F&%^ING COLD THIS YEAR, I just have not been myself. I'm not sure what's wrong with me at the moment, but I have felt an odd desire to just drop completely out of my life: my job, my relationships. These past few days, I have felt like I could leave everything but Sebastian behind. Which is odd, because I'm not having any problems per se with any area of my life currently (except, perhaps, my health).
MM and I went to a baseball spring training game last night. It was OK. (See, just the mere fact that I found it "OK" shows that I'm not the usual me. Normally I love going to these games! WTF is wrong with me!?)
MM is pretty good at reading my moods--being the sensitive person that he is--and he immediately sensed that I was "different" and not just because I was coughing and blowing my nose constantly. Of course, being MM, he assumed that I was different because I had a problem with him specifically or with "us." It's hard to explain to someone that I'm just not feeling like myself. I tried, and also chalked it up to being tired (which, by then, I was). And I think he accepted that.
I was exhausted once again this morning, despite appearing to have slept a full night. So I decided I wouldn't go in to work until noon. (Ostensibly, I'm "working from home." OK, I am linked up to the work email system.) I will have to make up the hours I didn't bill this morning this weekend, but right now I don't really care. My entire mood is "whatever."
As for eating and exercise, I've been eating reasonably, but not following any type of structured eating plan. My weight has remained between 203 and 206 these past few weeks. I have not been to the gym in two weeks, though: last week, MM was sick (& I had other evening commitments), and this week, I have not physically felt up to exercising. I'd like to get back to the gym; I do think it helps me. But there is no way I can work out with the congestion and coughing fits I've been having.
I really hate being sick, and I really hate the mood I've been in. I hope I snap out of this sh1t soon.
Tomorrow is my 37th birthday. As I predicted months ago when I first learned that MM is a big college hoops fan, his team (Indiana) is playing on my birthday. We are going to have dinner at a sports bar tomorrow night and watch the game. My real "birthday celebration" will be on Saturday night, when MM is taking me to a nice Japanese restaurant with some of my friends.
Mom is gone at the moment: her mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly on Monday morning, so she is back in Ohio for the services. She will be back next Tuesday.
I'm out of things to share. If someone reading has an explanation for my mood (or why I've already had three frickin' colds this year, plus bronchitis), I'm all ears. ;-)

Saturday, March 15, 2008


Halloween 1993

I arrive at a local college town bar with friends. The bar is called Rock Island, and is known as a pick-up spot. . . . the kind of place you go to hook up more than to hang out.
Owing to some minor childhood traumas, I've never been much of a one for dressing up for Halloween. True to form, then, despite the holiday theme, I'm at the bar without a costume.
After a little while and a few beers, a guy who is also not in costume--save for a camouflage hat--approaches our table and asks me to dance. We hit the floor for a few fast numbers, and he trails me back to our table. Turns out he is in the Army (hence the camouflage hat), stationed at a nearby Army base. He tells me that his friends call him "Woody."
I've been off the dating scene for a while. Several months ago, I went through a big heartbreak that turned me off men for months. More recently, I've been so busy with school and work that I haven't had time to get back in the game. So while Woody is not quite up to my usual (high) standards, he is interested, and he drives a new Mustang. We end up kissing at the end of the night while leaning on the Mustang, which he promises to let me drive "some time."
We have our first date on a weeknight the following week. He takes me to Pizza Hut for the buffet. (Hey, I'm 22 and still in college.) Things go OK. . . . not stellar, but OK.
Our second date is a football game on Saturday, followed by an early dinner at Red Lobster. For the second time, Woody picks up the tab. . . . but does not leave a tip. (Cheap bastard.)
We go back to my on-campus apartment and hang out. At some point, we start making out. Before things even progress to first base, Woody says "Oh, God" and. . . . shall we say, arrives early at his destination.
I excuse myself to the bathroom and am more than a little surprised. Woody is a 28-year-old guy; I think that someone his age should have more self-control. He leaves not long after.
We have one more brief and awkward phone conversation, and that's the end.
My roommates dub him "The Premature Spooger."
About a year later, I am at Rock Island again with one of my college roommates and our dates. We see Woody, and my roommate decides to tell our guys the story of our last date. One of the guys says "Damn! You must be one helluva good kisser." My guy waits an additional three dates before kissing me, out of fear that I will mock him, too, if the same thing happens to him.

Who knew at 22 that this is a common male problem?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

New blog topics

I originally started this blog over two years ago under the theory that my life is just as interesting as anyone else's. (I also thought that blogging about my weight loss efforts might be an additional motivator.) Based on what I've written here in 300+ posts, I now think that both premises are debatable. ;-)
I know I've mentioned here on more than one occasion that I hate how boring my blog entries are sometimes. . . . and lately *I* don't even want to read them! So I've decided I'm going to change things up a bit.
As I've said in my last two posts, I've been feeling a bit disenchanted with work at the moment. I guess one could say the bloom is off the rose in my current position. I will say that this is about par for the course with me; in fact, eight months with no real complaints about a job may be some kind of record for me. LOL. Yes, I have had many adult jobs: I worked for five different employers (at 10 different hospitals) in seven years as a nurse, and have now had two jobs as a lawyer, not including summer or temporary jobs (I had 4 of those, too). I'm always searching for that "right fit."
One of the career-related dreams I had long ago (say, age 8 or 9) was to be a writer. One of several things that's held me back from pursuing that dream is a lack of creative ideas. I've always been good at expressing my thoughts in words--even in elementary school--but I am not particularly inventive. What would I write about?
My friend KKL has often told me that my love life would make a good book. So I'm going to kind-of put her theory to the test in this blog.
Although I know I don't have the self-discipline or the time to write about this topic every day, I am going to start blogging about some of my past loves and other situations with men. I will admit that several of them are the kind of stories that will probably be entertaining in the retelling. At least, over the years, as I've shared them with friends, they certainly seemed to find them amusing.
I know I can tell a good story face-to-face, and I know I can produce a good written product at work. It remains to be seen whether I can write well when the topic is the kind of thing I'd usually only talk about.

Best friend

205.4 (ugh)
My mood is slightly improved today, but I'm still not my usual chipper self. I have my moods like anyone else, but generally I've been pretty happy the past several months. Not so this week.
Maybe I will perk up once I finish my caffe mocha. . . .
Back at the office, working on some more boring sh1t. At least I have a deposition to attend for a while this afternoon; it'll be nice to get out of the office for a while.
I tried to talk to MM about my bad mood last night, but he kept saying that no one is in a bad mood for "no reason" and that there must BE a reason and I just don't know what it is. . . . . maybe I'm unhappy in our relationship or don't really want to buy a house together. Ugh. I love the guy, but it's hard to deal with his worries sometimes. I am certain that my bad mood has NOTHING to do with us: in fact, talking to him yesterday was the highlight of my day. Surely I wouldn't feel that way if I were unhappy in the relationship.
In a way I feel like I can't talk with MM about my feelings because he always fears the worst and takes it personally if I say I'm not happy. Although this is not currently a huge problem for me, I will say that I don't think this is a good thing for the future of our relationship.
He is fond of saying that I am his best friend, and I know he likes to think that he is my best friend, too. But to me a best friend is someone you can tell anything without fear of being judged or pushing them away, and unfortunately, I don't feel that about him. To the contrary: I feel that I have to be somewhat careful what I tell him, for fear I will hurt his feelings or give him cause for (further) anxiety.
Anyway. . . . . .
MM and I are hitting the gym this evening after work. Maybe that'll help my mood.

Monday, March 10, 2008


I woke up this morning and did not want to come to work. This feeling has persisted throughout the workday. The tasks I knew I had on tap for today were either tedious or annoying.
I have been in my current position now for nearly eight months. Although the job has grown slightly more stressful over the past few weeks as my workload has increased, by and large, I've had no major complaints. I am earning a decent salary for the first time ever, so for the first time in my adult life, I don't lie awake at night wondering how I am going to pay my bills.
My one complaint, if any, about this job is that it's boring. Sitting at a desk, reading, writing, and doing research all day: not my idea of excitement. In order to bill enough hours each day, I have to basically shut myself in my office and avoid interacting with people on anything but a professional basis.
In many ways, being a prosecutor was perfect for me: the right mix between interacting with regular people and thinking about legal concepts. And I loved doing trials, though I didn't always like the stress associated with being in a very trial-focused job. I certainly didn't like the pay at my former job.
My three years of law school were three of the best of my life, and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything. Yet I sometimes wonder if there is still something out there that would be a better fit for me than being a lawyer.
When I think of continuing to do what I'm doing now indefinitely--or becoming a partner at my current firm--the idea is not at all appealing. That thought alone makes me think that I should be doing something else. But what?
I am not ready to give up on the practice of law at this point. But I am beginning to think that a future at this firm is not in the cards for me.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Sunday is a day of rest

(didn't weigh today: yesterday was 204.4)

Mom and I had fun at yesterday's jewelry party, and I was proud of myself for staying within my spending limit. I came in well under, even though I bought a pair of earrings for Mom, too.
MM and I went house-hunting today. He met with the realtor at his place early this afternoon to discuss staging, pricing, and putting it on the market; then we looked at several houses in our desired areas (all within a 5 minutes drive of where I currently live).
I really love one house we saw. The only drawback to it is that it is a little smaller than we'd like. . . . although it doesn't seem as small as it is due to the layout, and the yard is a good size. MM admitted that, despite its size, this house was his top choice of the ones we saw also.
If we were in a position to make an offer today, we'd probably make an offer on this one. Given that this is the first time we've gone out looking at houses, it's probably a good thing that we're not yet in a position to make offer on any. LOL. We will definitely be waiting until MM's place sells.
I have suggested that after the first of April--once he's been to the doctor for allergy medication and Mom has gone back to Ohio--that MM come and "live" with me for a week or two to get the feel for what that will be like before we actually move in together. I think he agrees that it's probably a good idea: it'll give us a chance to see how we interact with each other when we are together all the time, and we can also see how he does with Sebastian before the move is permanent.
It's actually early enough in the day for me to get some stuff done around here (or veg out) before I go to bed; what a change from my usual hectic weekends! This one has been busy, but at least now I have some time to relax and/or clean before the work week starts again tomorrow.
The upcoming week should be moderately--but not crazy--busy at work. I don't think I have anything terribly pressing on my calendar, and I don't have any travel. In light of all this, I will probably take advantage of having less stress and get back on track with my healthier eating. Tomorrow I will go to the gym after work, then to the grocery for some South Beach-compliant foods.

Friday, March 07, 2008



Whether I eat healthfully or poorly, whether I work out or not, for the past 6-7 weeks my weight has stayed between 203 and 206. For the past 2-3 weeks, I have not really been making a concerted effort to lose weight, so maybe I should just be thankful that the scale isn't going back up.

I'm glad it's Friday; it's been a busy week. Of course, in keeping with the way life has been going of late, it's going to be a busy weekend.

Lovely. Now I'm about to have a work crisis. Gotta go.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Free-floating anxiety

204.8 (not bad)
I am not generally an anxious person. I can be obsessive and a worrier, but I usually handle high stress levels better than the average person.
This morning I awoke with a feeling of dread and tightness in my chest. No, not like I was having a heart attack: just a general feeling of ickiness. The way I imagine someone might feel before an impending anxiety attack.
I really can't pinpoint the source of this anxiety. I have been very busy and stressed at work, but that seems an unlikely cause, as I am just about caught up after almost two weeks of intense work. MM and I met with his realtor yesterday, so I considered our plans to buy a home soon as a source of anxiety: I have always had a hang-up about purchasing a home, and this purchase will be an even bigger commitment because it is also a commitment to living with MM indefinitely.
Still, I don't know if either work or the home buying process are responsible for this feeling. Who knows?
I also awoke feeling tired, despite going to bed early. I wonder if my diet of late is a factor: last night, Mom and I met V at Claim Jumper, where I had chicken in a heavy, creamy sauce, mashed potatoes, and bread, as well as chocolate cake. I also woke up feeling hungry today. . . . something that had not happened in quite some time. Something to think about.
MM and I will be going to the gym this evening, per our usual Thursday routine. I'm still tired as I sit here (despite 175 mg of caffeine in the form of a grande Caffe Mocha), so I hope hitting the elliptical trainer will boost my energy level.

WTF is wrong with me lately??

Tuesday, March 04, 2008


204.6 (was 203.6 yesterday)

So much going on, I almost don't know where to start. How about the bullet approach?

  • Work: hella busy. Not much more to say except that billing enough time is no longer an issue for me. LOL
  • Foo Fighters concert: rocked. Seriously, one of the best live shows I've ever seen. I went to the concert primarily because MM is a big Foo Fighters fan; I had heard their songs on the radio, but wasn't a particular fan myself. I am now in love with Dave Grohl.
  • Mom: still here and will be until after Easter. On the whole, we are getting along. I did get annoyed with her last night for something trivial and felt bad about getting pissy (though justified in feeling annoyed).
  • Travel: none for me in the next couple of weeks. I *may* be flying to Albuquerque on St Paddy's Day for a deposition, but it's still up in the air. I booked a flight to Ohio in April for my Grandma's 85th birthday party; MM and I are going to Tucson for a weekend in early April to attend a wedding; and MM and I booked our hotel today for our July 4th D.C. trip.
  • Health/weight: I am not strictly following South Beach at the moment, but have been moderating my portions and avoiding sugar/white flour. I've been going to the gym with MM twice a week and walking the dog 2-3 evenings a week.
  • Friends: MM and I had dinner with my friend L and her fiance last Friday (it's their wedding we're attending next month). I finally had lunch with J on Saturday; we hadn't hung out since December because of his school schedule, vacation, move, and girlfriend relocating to Phoenix. Saturday night I had dinner with C and her husband for a belated birthday celebration. Mom and I babysat for KH on Sunday and are having dinner with V tomorrow evening. I'm attending a jewelry party at C's on Saturday.
  • MM: he's great! He was a little moody on Saturday and irked me, but I was over it by the next day; he was also very apologetic. We are meeting with his realtor tomorrow to talk about putting his house on the market so that we can buy a place together in the fall.
  • Sebastian: he's great, too. I received the study course for getting him certified as a therapy dog. I need to fill out a bunch of forms and get him scheduled with an evaluator. His first order of business is seeing the vet for a check-up to ensure he is healthy; he is due for his annual visit this month anyway.

And that's my life in a nutshell!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Destined to be 200+?

It seems that the scale will never again dip below 200 for me. Ah well. It's not like I'm working my ass off with healthy eating and exercise at the moment. I will freely admit that after being stuck in the 202-206 range for weeks, my motivation flagged. So long as I'm not gaining, I can live with it for now.
I am still exhausted. I slept in some today, but cannot get over how tired I feel. I am almost starting to wonder if something is physically wrong with me. Well, time will tell.
I got in about four hours of work today--about half of what I'd hoped to get done--but it should be enough to keep me from drowning next week.