209.2 (slight improvement)
This past weekend was an exciting one for me because MM moved in with me! More about that later in this post. . . .
I believe I posted that I found out late on Thursday afternoon that I will, in fact, be able to take my long-scheduled trip to DC & surrounding area on July 4th. Once the reality of the trip set in, I went into planner mode. . . . which made me realize that I didn't have adequate/appropriate clothing for the trip.
BFF KC and I went out to dinner on Friday night, and we followed it up with shopping at Macy's. I DESPISE shopping--a fact that is well-known to most of my close friends--but KC is great about putting up with my grouchiness and helping me find stuff that looks good. In fact, on several occasions, I have initially spurned her choices, only to grow to absolutely love the item she picked later on. (In fact, I have a graphic T-shirt that is MM's favorite that I only bought because KC pressured me into it. LOL)
I was able to find some cute, workable items at Macy's--a few of which were even on sale--so I am already well on my way to being packed for my trip, thanks to KC. Over half the items I bought, she picked out. I even found some cute new undies. ;-)
Saturday got off to a good start. I slept in a little, and the cable guy actually arrived 10 minutes ahead of his scheduled time to hook up my expanded digital cable and HBO. I also dusted and vacuumed the entire apartment in preparation for MM's arrival.
KC came over midday to help me declutter. At a minimum, I knew I had to clean out half the guest room closet so that MM would have room for his clothes and shoes. (The closet is a large walk-in, so I knew that half the closet would be more than enough for him.)
KC ended up staying for over 3 hours, and we got SO much done! Not only did I get the closet done in plenty of time, we also sorted through several boxes and threw away a whole garbage bag full of junk. I gave away two garbage bags of clothing and several pairs of shoes to charity. We reorganized my closet in a way that makes more sense. Best of all, I realized that I only have 3 boxes of crap that I actually need to address in the near future! (Yes, I have other boxes with mementos from farther back that I could/should consider parting with, but they are at least organized & cataloged.)
KC is awesome at helping me get stuff like this done. She is very good at "cracking the whip" without being bitchy and is able to help me stay on task. I accomplished more with her there than I have in the 11 months I've lived in my apartment, I think!
I joked that she should come over every Saturday and help me declutter. Her response was that she would, if we alternated Saturdays, one at her place, one at mine. That might be something to consider. . . .
In addition to the good feeling I got from being more organized and purging some unneeded stuff from my life, I also found several items that I had been missing or that I thought I had given away. I was pretty happy about that!
To highlight the contrast between our personal levels of organization, MM arrived around 3:30 and was unpacked and organized by 4:00, including hooking up a bigger TV and DVD player. Granted, he didn't bring much stuff--just his clothes, the electronics, and some personal items--but it still would've taken me longer than 30 minutes to get unpacked & organized. (I'm hoping he will be a positive influence on me.)
Things are going well so far. It is a little odd to have him at (what I still think of as) my place all the time, but I like it and can easily get used to it. I can tell that Sebastian thinks it is weird, too, because he keeps acting like he expects MM to leave at any time. LOL At one point yesterday, I got ready to leave and MM was still there. Sebastian was looking at me as if to say "Aren't you forgetting something?" ;-)
The one small issue we have had is that Sebastian has insisted on being in the bedroom with us the past two nights. So far, this doesn't seem to have had an adverse effect on MM's allergies or asthma, but his allergist did explicitly tell him that the dog should not sleep in his bedroom. I am going to try putting up a baby gate on the door opening so that he can still see me. I hope it will gradually get him used to the idea of not sleeping in the same room. In the grand scheme of things, if this turns out to be our biggest problem, I will say things went quite well.
That's my life in a nutshell! Other than "the big move," I am continuing to play catch up at the office and making some headway. . . .though something new comes up about every other day that requires my attention, but that's to be expected. I can't wait to see my sis and nephew on Friday! Too cool.
Monday, June 30, 2008
209.2 (slight improvement)
Posted by S at 4:42 PM
Friday, June 27, 2008
I am attending a mandatory training by one of our clients all day today. So far we have been here nearly 5 hours, and there has been about 30 minutes of information presented that may actually be of use to me. Not only am I very bored, I'm also thinking of all the things I could be doing in the office today if I were there. Instead I will have to work for several hours on Sunday. (sigh)
I did find out late yesterday afternoon that I am going to get to take my scheduled trip to DC next weekend after all. Needless to say, I'm happy about that, and so is MM. This time a week from now, we will be landing at Dulles airport. I can't wait to see my nephew and my sister! I'm also looking forward to playing tourist for a couple of days with MM and just generally getting a chunk of time away. (In all, I will be away from the office for nearly a week.)
My effort with healthful eating and exercise has been nearly non-existent this week. I've eaten out a lot and not made the healthiest choices. I skipped the gym on Tuesday solely due to laziness, so I only worked out last night. (In theory, I could work out this weekend....but I know I won't 'cause I have a lot of other things going on.)
Goodness knows that this week is hardly the first or only slothful week I've had, but this week's sins are actually showing up on the scale....which is more than a little disturbing. I really need to give myself a swift kick in the a$$!
Not much else is going on with me. Oh yeah, just want to mention: I've learned in the past week that three friends are pregnant! Exciting for them!
Posted by S at 1:50 PM
Monday, June 23, 2008
? (forgot to weigh before breakfast)
I had a nice, relaxing weekend. Unfortunately, it was also a weekend during which I accomplished very little: I brought home work which I never even glanced at, I did no laundry, and aside from sorting through 2 boxes in the guest room closet and doing a few dishes, I did no housework at all. [sigh] Well, I suppose I can always do that stuff during the week this week. . . at least in theory. ;-)
Friday night and most of the day Saturday was spent either on the couch reading (finished two books and a couple of magazines) or surfing the 'net. Saturday night, MM and I met some of my law school friends for dinner. MM really enjoyed himself--which is not always the case with my friends--and especially hit it off with B, a male friend on whom I had a terrific crush in law school. (Of course, MM knows nothing about my crush, and B is now married.) It was a good time.
Sunday MM and I spent the whole day together. He spent the night after dinner on Saturday, so we woke up together. Once we got up and got started, we had lunch, then did some house hunting in the lovely 114-degree heat. We saw Get Smart, then met his parents for dinner at a new pizza place they wanted to try. After dinner I went to his place for a while--first time in weeks I've been over there--where we watched the movie Chaos Theory. I headed home before 9:30.
It was a very nice weekend. I do desperately need to get some major house cleaning/sorting done this week, though, because MM is moving in on Sunday. He is not used to having clutter all over the place, and I need to clear out at least half the guest room closet so that he will have somewhere to put his clothes! (His allergies would probably appreciate some vacuuming and dusting, too.)
Saturday morning I will be captive in my home because the cable guy is scheduled to come "between 10 and noon" to install expanded digital cable with HBO. (MM cannot live without this amenity, apparently. LOL) KC has graciously agreed to spend at least part of the morning and early afternoon with me, cracking the whip to help me get some de-cluttering done. So I if I can get the cleaning done during the week, I should be in good shape by Sunday for MM's arrival.
We have no big plans for next weekend, and I don't have anything major on my calendar this week. I'm working on a few projects with deadlines in the next couple of weeks and playing catch-up still, but should be in the office every day except Friday (when I'll be out all day at a mandatory training). So I should be able to get some sh1t done.
Posted by S at 10:52 AM
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I'm not sure I'm loving the bangs, because they don't look as great when I don't blow out my hair. . . . and with temps in the 110s, I've been wearing my hair in its natural curly state more often than not. The photo above of me in the red was taken in December 2003 (when I weighed around 180). I post it to clearly show how my hair looked without bangs when it was styled.
But I do think I like the bangs when they are swept to the side like they are in this photo below that MM took of me tonight after dinner with some friends. (Unlike the last "bangs" photo I posted, this photo actually looks like me.)
Posted by S at 10:38 PM
Friday, June 20, 2008
*My right trapezoid is killing me from spending too much time on the computer. It's tensed up and sore as a mo-fo. I wish I could get a massage, but I don't have time, and it's hard to get a weekend appointment.
*The roll I brought for lunch was stale! Grrrr
*I don't wanna work anymore. I'm tired of doing "catch up" crap, but I have too much of it to put it aside.
*It's hotter than Hades here!
Don't mind me. . . . as you were.
Posted by S at 1:43 PM
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Isn't it strange how you can grow accustomed to almost anything if it goes on long enough? I believe psychologists refer to this phenomenon as "learned helplessness." It's like the old story where a baby elephant is held in place by a rope around his ankle. He quickly learns that he cannot break the rope and gives up even trying. And because he learned this lesson early, the rope still holds him in place even when he is grown and would be well able to break the rope and free himself.
A while back I ran across a diary which I wrote in beginning during the summer before my freshman year of college. (Mind you, this would have been about 20 years ago now. . . . ) Several of the entries in the diary focused on my feelings that I was a big fat cow and that I hated myself for being so overweight.
How much did I weigh then, you might ask? I weighed between 165 and 170. Yeah. Interesting how my perspective has changed: I would be OVERJOYED to weigh between 165 and 170 now!
I'm not sure quite when it became "OK" with me that I weigh over 200 lbs. Not that I am REALLY OK with it, but I no longer cry or pen diary entries of self-loathing over it. I think perhaps this is more a function of loving and accepting myself more at 37 than I did at 17, rather than truly being OK with my weight.
I would love to be slimmer and more energetic, but I feel like I just don't have the "oomph" I need to do the things that would get me there. Each day, I begin with good intentions: I eat a healthy breakfast most days, and I bring my (healthy) lunch to work more than half the time. Yet I often "break down" and eat candy or other treats that people bring to work, especially in the afternoons when my energy level is lower, and I eat out a lot and don't always make the healthiest choices.
I go to the gym with MM on Tuesdays and Thursdays every week (barring travel or competing evening commitments) and often talk about going 1-2 more times in a week on my own. . . . but it rarely happens. To be honest, there are many Tuesdays and Thursdays that I would skip the gym if it weren't for MM waiting there for me.
Occasionally I feel a twinge of inspiration or a frisson of motivation, but it's never sustained. And just as I have found it difficult-to-impossible to establish routines that would keep my home neat and organized, I have similar difficulty establishing routines that would put me on the path to a healthier weight.
A few weeks ago, MM saw a full-length body picture of me from December 2003, when I weighed around 180. His immediate response was "wow, you looked hot!" (I will agree with him that I looked much better then than I do today, but I don't know about "hot".) Actually, here is the photo he saw, so you can judge for yourself:
In a non-judging and loving way, he said "you could look like this again." Yes, I *could*, theoretically, look like this again. HOWEVER. . . . when he said this, I immediately thought of all the effort it took to get my body looking like that in the first place. (AND I was still at least 30-35 lbs above the upper end of an appropriate weight range for my height & build. . . . still had a BMI well into the "overweight" category.)
Just to get down to 180, I had done Weight Watchers diligently for 4 months. During that time, I planned every meal, wrote down everything I ate, and worked out on the elliptical trainer for 30 minutes or walked 4 miles at least 4-5 days a week. Everything Weight Watchers suggests you do, I had done. It was a near-obsession with me, and every choice I made--whether to go out to dinner with a friend, whether to have a drink at happy hour, whether to study or exercise--was focused on moving me toward the goal of weight loss. I sacrificed a lot during that time, but felt that it was worth it.
Even so, at the time this photo was taken, I had been stuck between 175 and 180 for about 8 months. . . . despite continuing--half-heartedly--to do Weight Watchers, after the initial 4 months and ~35 lbs lost, the weight stopped "falling off" as it had in the beginning. I had just started jogging for exercise (was training for my 1st 5K) and was running 3-4 days a week, 4 miles per session. Aside from the fact that I was becoming a better runner, I was stalled and on a plateau.
I have to admit that I prefer the way I looked in that picture to the way I look now. (In fact, I thought then--and still think--that I should weigh even less. The girl in that photo clearly still has some excess weight she could afford to lose.) But I'm not so sure I want to put forth the effort required to achieve it.
Not only did I look better then, I felt better: I can walk farther, climb higher, and just generally DO more physically, and my energy level was way higher than it is these days. My mind was clearer, too.
But even knowing all this, I am unmotivated to take the steps I know are necessary to get back to where I was. It just seems like more than I can do now, and I know that daily effort for the rest of my life would be required in order to not only achieve but maintain a smaller, fitter body. I don't feel I am up for the challenge.
And so I sit. Not quite sure what it would take to move me out of my complacency. . . .
Posted by S at 10:31 AM
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I wish I were one of those creative or funny bloggers that people love to read. This blog is composed more of my stream-of-consciousness writing than anything that others would actually find entertaining or interesting. Ah well. I suppose I should consider it a good and healthy outlet then.
I am still trying to unbury myself from the mountain of work that accumulated during May when I was out of the office a lot attending 18 depositions. New tasks get added to the "to do" list daily, so it makes it a little hard to ever get caught up. (Heh heh.) For example, most of today was consumed with attempting to negotiate a settlement in the case that has the potential to tank my vacation plans if it goes to trial as scheduled on June 30. A worthy cause, to be sure, but I'd rather be devoting more time to other cases and assignments. Anyway. . . .
I had dinner with KC last night, and that was fun. As I've mentioned in here before, I don't get to see nearly as much of her as I used to, so any time I get to hang out with her, it's fun and appreciated.
MM fired his realtor over the weekend and met with a new realtor last night. The first fellow he hired did basically zero: never had an open house, never brought anyone to look at the place. We both know that the housing market sucks, but SOME effort has to be put forth in ANY market. MM's house is in a gated community, so it's not gonna sell itself. . . no one who didn't already live in the neighborhood would even be driving by to see the "For Sale" sign.
When MM met with the new realtor last night, he learned that not only was Realtor #1 putting forth no effort on his behalf, he also apparently supplied us with misinformation. For example, he told MM that no homes in his community had sold since January; Realtor #2 showed MM that there was a home sold there in March, one in April, and there are two showing "sale pending." Hmmm. I don't think Realtor #1 LIED, but he certainly failed to do his homework since he clearly did not present MM with the most up-to-date information.
In any event, I mostly stay out of the whole deal, aside from listening to MM vent about it and offering my opinion when he solicits it. Realtor #2 seems confident that she can sell MM's place. So long as it sells by early October, he and I won't even really be inconvenienced because we had planned to live at my place until mid-to-late September anyway.
MM is moving in with me on June 29. We've been talking for a while about living together before we buy a place together--a good idea on many levels--and MM had set July 1 for the date when that would happen. Because July 1 is a Tuesday, he will move in the previous weekend. . . . which is now less than 2 weeks away.
I am looking forward to living with MM. At this point in our relationship, I think it will be good. And in my opinion, it needs to happen before the relationship can progress any farther; he agrees. He is a bit apprehensive because of a bad experience he had living with a girlfriend when he was 22 and because, as an only child and 34-year-old bachelor, he is used to A LOT of alone time. But I really think it'll work out well.
MM is even growing to love Sebastian (as I knew he would!). With Flonase and Zyrtec, MM's allergies are not a problem no matter how much he interacts with Sebastian. As he has spent more time petting and playing with him, in addition to just hanging out at my place, Sebastian has grown on him. I'm glad. I know MM would never have even suggested I get rid of Sebastian, but I'm glad "my boys" like each other. LOL
For the past several weeks, I've done little aside from work and hang out with MM, so I don't have much else to share. The pace at work has been such that I like to just veg in the evenings most nights. I *have* been doing a lot of reading to unwind, though, and I'm enjoying it. The 110+ degree heat is a barrier to outdoor activities, so it's probably not surprising that I've been somewhat lazy. . . .
Posted by S at 5:02 PM
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Because I opted not to go to the office today and rather to spend a lazy day at home, I have been indulging in some of my favorite things. I am almost embarrassed to admit some of these. . . .
*Reading O, The Oprah Magazine
*Watching Two and a Half Men
*Surfing the internet
Posted by S at 2:38 PM
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I stole this idea from another blogger. . . .
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. Who is your celebrity crush?
5. What is your favorite drink?
6. What is your dream vacation?
7. What is your favorite dessert?
8. What do you want to be when you grow up?
9. What is your favorite color?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?
Posted by S at 4:26 PM
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Posted by S at 5:31 PM
Monday, June 09, 2008
1. Things I was doing 10 years ago:
- Working as a hospital nurse
- Working two jobs to pay off debt
- Doing Jenny Craig and trying to lose weight
- Getting very little sleep
- Contemplating a move to a different city
- Go to the gym with MM in the evening
- Avoid eating anything processed
- Continue trying to get caught up at work
- Do at least one load of laundry
- Unpack from recent weekend trip
- hummus & pita chips
- tortilla chips & salsa
- cheese & crackers
- Establish a charitable foundation to benefit children in foster care
- Set up a trust for my nephew Rowan
- Fund a building at my alma mater and have it named in my paternal grandmother's honor
- Own a house on the ocean somewhere
- Travel the world
- Own five more Golden Retrievers (and have a trainer to care for them when I was absent)
- Being overly critical of others
- Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
- Houston, Texas
- Thousand Oaks, California
- Long Island, New York
- Tucson, Arizona
- Pizza delivery driver
- Chemistry tutor
- Dormitory desk attendant
- Temporary at the County Recorder's Office posting property tax payments
The url is really named after my dog, Sebastian. C-Bass is one of his many nicknames. So "lovesseabass" dot blogspot dot com.
I call the blog rambling and random musing because that's pretty much all it is. Not much profound or exceptional here. . . . .
Posted by S at 10:36 PM
Mildly disturbing, but amusing nonetheless. . . .
|Your Slogan Should Be|
The Slogan Generator
Posted by S at 3:46 PM
Sunday, June 08, 2008
MM and I had a FABULOUS weekend in San Francisco! Near-perfect weather, and we did so many fun things. If all the scenes from Saturday alone could be put in a montage, it would almost be fodder for some cheesy romantic comedy where the couple enjoys a "perfect day" together.
We stayed at the Hotel Metropolis, which was quaint and comfortable, even though it is situated just on the edge of the Tenderloin District a few blocks from Union Square. Witness some of the lovely homemade artwork across the street from the entrance:
With all the homeless and drug addicts wandering about, it was a bit of a scary location after dark, but our room was comfy, the place was really cute, and it even had a Zen mediation room:
Both MM and I had visited San Francisco before, so we had seen all of the major attractions. The first thing I wanted to do on Saturday morning was climb Telegraph Hill to Coit Tower. We hailed a cab and set out. Our driver seemed lost at first, but because he didn't initially know which way to go, we got to drive down world-famous Lombard Street (no photo, sorry). We did eventually make it to Coit Tower in one piece:
After taking photos and enjoying the view, we walked through the nearby neighborhoods on our way to Fisherman's Wharf. We enjoyed people-watching and a leisurely lunch (chowder & sourdough bread for me) before taking a cruise around the San Francisco Bay. I must include at least one obligatory photo of the Golden Gate Bridge here, though I will omit the photos of seagulls, sea lions, Alcatraz, and the rest:
After our hour-long cruise, we were hot and tired and decided to head back to the hotel for some R & R. We rode the cable car back (along with a very nice gay couple from Dallas, among others):
Saturday evening found us back on the water for a delicious seafood dinner. We opted for an early night in so that we could sight-see more on Sunday after a good night's rest.
We decided that our trip to San Francisco would not be complete without a visit to Haight Ashbury. Although neither MM nor I is a hippie--or lives any kind of alternative lifestyle--we do enjoy the shops and people there.
As luck would have it, our visit coincided with the neighborhood's annual street fair. So in addition to the usual ambience and quirky happenings, we got to enjoy live music and street vendors as well.
We really enjoyed our little getaway! Not only did we get to do and see lots of fun stuff, enjoy some great weather, and eat delicious food, we got along famously.
I hope this trip will replenish me for the week of work ahead. . . .
Posted by S at 9:45 PM
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
I am frickin' tired again today. The only thing I can figure is that the stress of working so much last month is finally catching up with me, now that I am less pressed for time.
It sometimes seems to me that I spend a lot of my life waiting. I've waited with family members trying to find out a diagnosis for various health problems. I waited months to see if my ex-fiance would/could stop drinking. I'm currently waiting to find out whether my vacation will be cancelled.
I think that after a while, waiting becomes a harder thing to bear than the outcome we dread. Once you have a diagnosis, treatment options can be discussed; reality can be faced and planned for. I know that in my situation with my ex, I got to a point where I almost didn't care whether he would or would not stop drinking: I just wanted to know which one it would be so that I could act accordingly. Ditto with waiting to find out about my vacation: once I know for sure that it will have to be cancelled, I will deal with it and move on.
So many things in life involve waiting. It is said that good things come to those who wait, but this is not always so. . . . and we all have to wait sometimes.
Is it just me who feels that even the worst outcome is sometimes not as bad as the uncertainty of waiting for an answer?
Posted by S at 2:59 PM
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
I woke up at 4:30 this morning and had a hard time getting back to sleep. Once I did finally fall back asleep, I hit snooze and re-set the alarm many times, so I didn't end up getting out of bed until 8:45. Ugh. I barely made it to the office around 10:30, and I only made it by that time because I had a meeting on my calendar.
I mentioned before that I may have to cancel my July 4th trip to D.C. in order to do a trial for one of the partners. I've never been happy about this prospect, but I've been really angry about it the last couple of days, for a few reasons. Also, I called the airline yesterday to see what it will cost to change our tickets and learned that it will be $100 per ticket plus any change in fare. (Given the current price of fuel, I am 99.9% certain that any new fare will be higher.)
I am beginning to give serious thought to finding another job. Between my workload and pace these last weeks and now this--someone unilaterally deciding that I have to cancel a trip that I got approval to take over 3 months in advance--I'm wondering if this is somewhere I want to stay. I don't mind working hard, but I also don't want to work so much that my job consumes my life. . . . and that's how the month of May felt to me. And I certainly don't want to work where I cannot even plan a short vacation without fear that it will have to be cancelled because of someone else's plans.
I have been in a pissy mood all morning between being tired and having a hard time getting up and thinking about this situation at work. Grrrr. . . . .
Posted by S at 10:48 AM
Monday, June 02, 2008
After our trip to San Francisco for this past weekend got cancelled, my weekend turned out a little differently from what I had anticipated in some ways.
MM and I went to see the D-backs play the Washington Nationals on Friday night. MM figured that because the D-backs are in a bit of a slump and it was a Friday night game against a not-so-good visiting team without a big fan following, we’d be able to get good seats for a lower price from a scalper. Regarding the availability of cheaper tickets, MM was absolutely right: we got very good seats approximately 20-25 rows behind the D-backs’ dugout for about 2/3 of the usual price.
Unfortunately, the D-backs lost the game and played poorly. MM is the type of fan who does not enjoy the game if his team is losing (according to my dad, the sports fanatic, no “true” fan does), so the game wasn’t an enjoyable experience for him. MM also doesn’t like the “circus side show” aspects of being at the ballpark: things like “the wave” or the “kiss cam,” the hot dog races, and other between-innings activities.
I personally enjoy the games even if the D-backs lose, though of course it’s more fun if they win. And I like the atmosphere of the ballpark and all the other things that go along with being at the game in person that MM dislikes. So I had fun, but MM didn’t. In fact, he told me on Saturday morning that he thinks he will avoid going to any more games for a while because he hates how “surly” he gets at the games. (He was acting a little like a “grumpy old man.” tee hee)
Saturday I drove down to Tucson as planned to see M. At her request, I ended up taking her and her foster sister to their community pool and park for a couple of ours. It was a hot day: the high was 102 degrees. Ugh. I was also able to have a quick cup of coffee with my friend M before heading back to Phoenix.
For some reason that is unclear to me, on the drive back from Tucson, I felt like crying. I couldn't even call a friend to chat--my usual coping strategy--because the battery on my BlackBerry was dead. It is really unlike me to get emotional at all, and particularly to get emotional for no apparent reason. I wasn’t sad about M or her situation—she seemed to me to be about the same as usual, and I have been involved with her long enough that I no longer get emotional about that. And nothing else had happened that would get me down.
I got home in sufficient time to feed and walk Sebastian and get ready to go over to MM’s so we could go to dinner. When I called to let MM know I was on my way over, I mentioned my feeling that I wanted to cry on the drive back from Tucson. His initial reaction—“what?! Why??”—made me actually start crying.
I think I have blogged before about the fact that I often hesitate to tell MM things that I think may upset him or make him anxious because I don’t want to deal with his reactions. Frankly, I have other people in my life besides him in whom I can confide. And those people can be relied upon not to read into my feelings, so it’s easier to hold things back from him than to tell him sometimes. On the other hand, MM has told me that he doesn’t like for me to hold things back from him, so I am making more of an effort to share my thoughts & feelings with him, even when I think they may not be well-received.
Reactions like the one on the phone Saturday evening are a perfect example of why I hesitate to tell him when I am upset. I pointed that out to him and got off the phone. I then called my mom and talked with her until I arrived at MM’s house.
To MM’s credit, when I got to his place, he was much more understanding and supportive. In addition to talking about my emotional state, I also shared with him something that I've known for a couple of weeks but had been holding back: I may have to do a trial for one of Tom's cases at the end of the this month while he is on vacation and will be forced to cancel our trip to Washington, DC, in order to do this. He took this news much better than I thought he would, though of course he was still upset. We talked about my feelings and arrived at the conclusion that the most likely source of my out-of-character emotionality was the super-busy month I have had and my overall stress level.
In addition to having piles and piles of work to catch up on, my apartment has also been continuing its slow slide into chaos this past month as I devoted all my time to work, MM, Sebastian and my friends rather than to household chores. I had basically no food at home and an overflowing laundry pile; my place hadn’t been vacuumed or dusted in nearly three weeks, and clutter was lying on every available flat surface.
In an effort to ease my overwhelmed feeling, at least about the state of my home (not much I can do about work--or having to cancel my vacation--in the short-term), MM and I agreed that I would spend Sunday alone at home rather than hanging out with him as I usually do. Suggesting this was actually a pretty big deal for him because (1) he looks forward to lunch-and-a-movie with me on Sundays more than most of our other dates and actually had two movies in mind that he wanted to see, and (2) canceling those plans meant he would be spending Sunday home alone.
We compromised: I spent the day at home until 4:00. We then went to his parents’ house for dinner and afterwards to the movies to see The Strangers (a waste of time & money).
I got a lot done on Sunday. I took Sebastian to the dog park for a while—which I try to do every Sunday when I can—and was home before 11:00. I cleaned the kitchen; vacuumed, dusted, and cleared up some of the clutter in the living room; did four loads of laundry and put away clothes; and gave the bathrooms a quick once-over. I also took some breaks to spend time reading a novel for sheer enjoyment & relaxation or read blogs, and talked on the phone to a couple of friends.
It was really nice to have a day with no plans. I did miss hanging out with MM, but I think that having time to get some stuff done at home was a big help to me. My hope is that I will be able to get more accomplished this week, both at home and at the office, because I have a little more orderly and peaceful environment. Goodness knows, I still have a ton to get done in both places!
On a broader scale, I felt good about the positive role that MM played in helping me handle this situation: Saturday was the first time that I have shared my feelings about something with him and felt completely supported and helped by having done so. (When I do share, he has always tried to help, but hasn’t always been as supportive as I’d like.) I made a special point of letting him know on Sunday while we were driving to his parents’ that I appreciated his support and advice. Positive reinforcement of desired behaviors is supposed to make them more likely to be repeated, right? At least, that’s what I remember from my college behavioral psychology class. LOL
On an unrelated note. . . I’ve blogged before about the fact that I am no longer on the pill. Can I share some annoyance related to that fact? Because I am not using birth control and we continue to have regular sex, I feel it is necessary to behave as if I could be pregnant each cycle once I’m certain I’ve ovulated. . . . because, theoretically, I could be.
Having to do this has put a damper on some of my usual behaviors! I had to refuse wine with dinner last night, and I feel an obligation to try to avoid eating lots of processed crap until my period arrives. LOL Yes, I realize that these are health behaviors that I should probably be employing for my own sake, regardless of whether I suspect I might be pregnant. . . but seriously, we all know that few of us are really good all the time. least of all me.
Can’t believe it’s already June!
Posted by S at 10:17 AM