Feeling down

217.6

I have had a couple of days of feeling pretty low. Usually I can snap myself out of these moods within a few hours or so by reflecting upon all the good things in my life (which are many). These past two days, though, that hasn't been working. So I thought that perhaps writing down all the reasons life's got me down this week might help me break out of my funk.

**My right forearm. I posted photos of the bruising to my arm as a result of Hunter's bite, but I haven't really written anything more about it. The bruising and swelling are 90% resolved, but something is wrong with my arm. I cannot extend it fully now without pain, and I have a hard, painful lump under the skin a couple of inches from the bend of my arm, as well as some smaller lumps in the area. I am beginning to think that I have a muscle or tendon tear of some type, and I am afraid that I am going to need surgery to fix it. (It has been two weeks and it certainly isn't getting better on its own.)

I have pain in the area with the lumps, particularly with certain movements, and often a feeling of tightness and/or pulling there also. Given that I am very right-hand-dominant, this has adversely affected my daily life.

I have an appointment with my PCP at 1:00 today. Not sure what he can do for something like this, but I'm hoping that he can at least get the ball rolling by ordering some tests and referring me to a specialist if intervention is needed.

I have never had any kind of surgery in my life and have never had general anesthesia. When you consider that fact along with my prior career as a hospital nurse and my current career as a medical malpractice attorney, I think it's easy to see why the thought of any type of surgery scares the sh1t out of me.

**Money. I earn a decent salary and usually have a fair amount of discretionary income. . . . at least in comparison to other times in my life. For the past two years, that has meant that I can take the occasional trip without going into debt, buy clothes when I need them, eat out when I want, and get massages, pedicures, and the like. Since July 3, I have spent nearly $1000 of my own money on Hunter-related expenses. (The total would be $1300, but $300 came out of our joint account.) And with today's doctor's appointment and the uncertainty about what will be necessary to fix whatever is wrong with my arm, that total is only going to increase.

I am thankful that I at least have the money to spend, but spending it has left me pretty tapped out for spending money for the next couple of months. In my current job over the past nearly-two years, I have grown used to not really worrying a lot about money and being able to spend within reason. I don't like this feeling of being strapped for cash. I have been trying to pay off the little bit of credit card debt that I have and save. These unexpected expenses are not helping.

**My weight and out-of-control, less-than-healthful eating. (Though the scale is inexplicably lower this morning, despite eating all three meals out yesterday. Weird.)

**Work. Lord knows, in this economy, I am happy just to have a job (and one that pays me a decent salary; see above). But having said that, I have been working on nothing but the most boring crap of late! Civil practice is fairly dry in general--the majority of most days is spent reading, writing, and, well, thinking--but I haven't even been to a deposition in two weeks. Plus I have had two ongoing research projects which are BORING AS HELL, and I am thoroughly sick of them. I am trying to write a motion in another case and have hit a major writer's block. . . . which is not helped by the fact that there is no real deadline for the motion. I am tired of sitting alone in my office and really missing my days as a prosecutor.

**Hunter. As I am writing this post, MM called to let me know the results of his follow-up vet visit, and the news is not good. Apparently the poor lamb has no feeling whatsoever in his tail. This problem was one of the potential complications of his tail fracture. He has another visit in two weeks, and if his sensation isn't returned, he will have to have his tail amputated. Otherwise gangrene could set in and be potentially life-threatening.

Owning it

219.2

When I first saw that weight on the scale yesterday, I thought it was a fluke due to pizza for dinner and dehydration. Alas, the scale showed precisely the same number this morning. So I guess I have to believe it now.

I'm not even going to go off on my usual rant about how hard it is for me to lose weight and how easy it is for me to gain it. The fact of the matter is, I have worked out once in the past two weeks and have been eating pretty much whatever I want during that time. At 38, you think I would have figured out by now that following this pattern of behavior means I am going to gain weight. Sheesh.

I did go back to the gym last night, finally. I did a solid 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer, but no weight training. I took a hiatus from working out this time because of my arm injury. While my arm was still very bruised and swollen, it hurt to swing it, and it REALLY hurt if, by chance, I accidentally brushed it against things. Because of that, I didn't want to get on the elliptical trainer or the treadmill--both of which have bars on the sides--and it is WAY too hot to exercise outdoors this time of year, so walking/jogging around the neighborhood was out. (Today's high temp was 111; Saturday's was 114.)

My arm is better. . . better as in "improved," not 100% healed. The bruising is nearly gone, but I still have some pain and swelling, as well as some lumps/bumps under the skin, a couple of which are visible and the rest of which are easily palpated. I am going to go to my PCP on Friday to get it looked at. I would be more worried that some muscle or tendon damage had been done if I didn't have full range of motion and normal strength (albeit with some discomfort).

Not surprisingly, when I am not working out regularly and eating more crap than usual, I have been really tired lately and had almost zero energy. Of course, feeling tired and having low energy often leads to laziness about workouts and food, so it's a nasty cycle.

Reading back on this post, it's so BLAH. That's pretty much the way I feel. Hope I can kick myself in the a$$ again soon.

Dog drama in pictures

Close up of the area where Hunter tried to claw through the drywall to escape the fireworks on July 4th.


Photo of damage to the door (after we'd cleaned up all the debris)

Bruise on right forearm, Monday 7/6

Bruise on right forearm, 7/4

My "assailant," mere hours after the "crime"

Bruise on right forearm, morning of 7/3, several hours after it happened

Stress and drama

When I read all the comments on my last post, I felt bad about the sarcastic remark I made about the lack of comments about my dog troubles post. When I wrote the post about the dogs, I was feeling stressed out and was hoping for some support and feedback. I'm sure you know how it is to put something out there in hopes of getting a response and hearing nothing back. I think I felt that either no one was reading what I'd written or that no one cared.

Anyway, the sarcasm was petty and immature of me, as I am certain that anyone who takes the time to read my drivel has their own things going on, some of which are probably harder and more stressful than my dog drama. I meant it to be funny, but I think it came across snarky instead. It's nice to know that people are still reading, so I thank you for commenting.

Tension between the dogs continues. Over the past few days, I have come to the realization that my presence is a source of much of this tension. My friend CP is still staying with us, and she tells me that during the day when I am at work, the boys generally ignore one another and sleep in different parts of the common areas. Yesterday afternoon she saw the dogs play-wrestling on the grass in the backyard, which is the first positive interaction they have had since their first fight early last Friday morning. She doesn't notice them "mad dogging" each other when she is at our house alone with them. (Though I notice it in the evenings when I'm home.)

We have an appointment on Friday afternoon at 3:00 with a dog trainer/behaviorist (recommended by our vet) who is coming to do an in-home consultation. He suggested that we do what it takes to prevent more fights, up to and including keeping them separated. We have put away all toys and chew bones, and we have always fed them separately, so the only remaining point of contention seems to be me. I am being careful not to pet either of the dogs where the other can see me petting and am generally showing much less attention to their activities.

Hunter seems to be trying to make up with Sebastian. There have been a few times that he has gone up to him and nuzzled his neck and licked his face. Sebastian has not been receptive, though; he turns his head away and ignores Hunter when Hunter approaches him. (The trainer says that Sebastian is "correcting" Hunter by this response.)

On a positive note, Hunter seems to be doing very well physically. He doesn't seem to be in pain, and he is eating well. (In addition to his usual dry food, I am supplementing his feedings with a high protein canned food--yes, I am giving Sebastian some, too--and giving both dogs daily multivitamin supplements with extra calcium.) He is a little anxious, but that seems to be more due to the conflict with Sebastian than anything else. Hunter even wags his tail a little--just the end, like a pendulum, as he will not lift it--and I don't think he'd do that if it hurt him.

I really hope that the "dog whisperer" can help us resolve this situation. Although he said he couldn't really give me a full opinion before meeting the dogs, he sounded optimistic on the phone and has dealt with similar situations many times. It is stressful watching the boys all the time, waiting for something else to happen, and I hate not being able to pet them. I don't want to get rid of Hunter for several reasons. . . . not the least of which is that I don't want to send the message to Sebastian that he can drive someone out of our home with aggression. Letting Sebastian think that would not bode well for the future possibility of children.

The bruise on my right forearm is becoming quite colorful. After going to urgent care to have it examined on Monday afternoon, I have been taking prescription-strength ibuprofen and applying warm compresses to the area. (Apparently I have a large hematoma beneath the bruising also.) It hurts a little but seems to be generally improving. I really should post some photos of my arm because it is by far the worst bruise I've ever had and one of the worst I've ever seen, except perhaps in people who have suffered blunt force trauma through a motor vehicle accident or bludgeoning. I am very fortunate that despite causing a huge bruise, the bite did not break my skin. I haven't been going to the gym because my arm hurts quite a bit by the end of the day--what with typing, etc., all day at work--but plan to get back into that soon as well. I have a massage tonight and a work commitment tomorrow evening, but perhaps I will go back starting on Friday evening, depending on how my arm feels then.

Other than the dog drama, life is pretty much status quo. I'm still eating like crap (though I plan to get back on track over the weekend or on Monday at the latest). Work is busy but not too crazy. I have been staying up later in the evenings with CP visiting, and between that and the stress with the dogs and with a trial starting next one for my supervising partner--not to mention the effects of less exercise and poor eating--I've been exhausted.

I also have a weird skin issue going on which started a day or two before the dog fight/bite and has progressed since then. I was told on Monday at the urgent care clinic that it is pityriasis rosea. No one knows exactly what causes it, and it is not contagious. There is no treatment for it, but I am told that it will clear up on its own within a few weeks. Meanwhile, it is annoying because some of the patches are itchy. It is also unsightly: MM is totally grossed out by the patches, though he was relieved to learn that it's not contagious. Luckily, most of the patches are on my torso and upper arms and legs, so only a few are visible when I am clothed.

Yikes

215.6

I guess this is what a week of going back to my "normal" way of eating plus pizza and two pieces of chocolate cake with ice cream for dinner will do to the scale.

Oh, and thanks for the support on my last post. I'm being sarcastic, actually, 'cause no one even commented. Guess no one is reading anymore. . . . or if they are, they have nothing to say about my dog drama. (When I told MM that I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore, his response was "why would they? You're not Carrie Bradshaw. You are a boring married woman now." Nice.)

I am too tired, busy, stressed and in pain to really care about the scale at the moment.

Dog troubles

We have been dealing with some awful things with our two wonderful Golden Retrievers. As anyone who reads this blog knows, I have Sebastian, who will be 8 in October, who I adopted from rescue when he was 10 months old. Although Sebastian was diagnosed with mild mitral valve insufficiency at his annual check-up in March, it has only caused him to have a little activity intolerance so far, and he is generally healthy. Sebastian is placid, friendly and confident.

As I've posted about here, we adopted 4-year-old Hunter in early May. Prior to coming into rescue, Hunter's previous owner kept him in the backyard and used him as the stud for his backyard breeding operation. He had never lived in a house until a few weeks prior to coming to live in ours. Based on his behavior and reactions to various things, we are 99.9% sure that his prior owner was abusive. He certainly yelled at the dog and, we believe, likely hit him also.

For nearly two months, Sebastian and Hunter got along great. They play-wrestled together, slept together, shared toys & chew-bones, went on walks and to the park. I've posted photos of them together here, and I think it was obvious that things were going well.

Hunter has had a lot of problems since we adopted him, some of which I have written about previously. To briefly re-cap, he came to us having been exposed to kennel cough--which he developed within the first few days of coming to our house--and with a small earflap hematoma which grew large enough to require surgery to remove it. Post-operatively, he developed right-sided facial paralysis which lasted about a week and then gradually resolved on its own.

The last weekend in June, MM and I were talking about how great it was that Hunter was finally healthy and well and feeling very good about having adopted him. We were discussing how much more confident and calm he was becoming as he settled in and felt better.

I guess we spoke too soon.

On Sunday 6/28, another dog ran into Hunter's rear end at the park when both were running to catch a ball. We knew that Hunter was hurt because he yelped several times and refused to get up from where he'd been knocked to the grass for a few minutes. Eventually he stood and walked home, and his gait seemed fine.

Over the next few days, we noticed that Hunter was slow to get up and down from sitting and lying down. We still thought that he was bruised or had strained a muscle in one of his legs. We continued with his daily walks, though we stopped taking him to the park for fetch after one session two days after the collision obviously caused him pain.

Thursday night I fell asleep on the couch during the news, and MM let me stay there and went into our bedroom on his own. He left the dogs in the living room with me. A little after two in the morning, I was awakened out of a deep sleep by growling, snarling, and snapping. My first thought was to break up the fight, and I stumbled over in the dark and grabbed the waist of the first dog I touched (who happened to be Hunter). In the process, I was bitten on the left hand and right forearm. (Yes, I know: my own fault for jumping in the middle of a dog fight.) My right forearm in particular is still, three days later, deeply bruised and swollen and quite painful.

This event was so uncharacteristic of both dogs that I knew right away that something must be wrong. I took Hunter to the vet the following day and learned (after $600 of diagnostics) that he has a hairline fracture in one of the bones at the base of his tail. He is on two strong painkillers, prophylactic antibiotics, and rest for two weeks. He must return for a repeat x-ray in two weeks, and if the fracture does not heal on its own, they will have to amputate his tail. Poor lamb.

Since Thursday night's fight, the dogs have gotten in one other fight (over food, initiated by Sebastian!) and have been split up once for growling at one another, though no fight resulted. This type of behavior is so unlike both these dogs, and MM and I have been totally stressed out about it. MM is afraid that Hunter (being younger & stronger) will seriously injure or kill Sebastian, and I can't say his fear is unfounded.

I have a call out to a dog behavior specialist recommended by our vet. I am hoping to set up a home visit where someone can come out and work with us and help us fix this situation that has developed.

In additional to the tail fracture and the fighting, we learned the hard way Saturday night that Hunter is afraid of fireworks. I felt like such a dumbass because, what with all his other anxieties, I really should have guessed. Though to be fair, it is illegal to set off your own fireworks in our city, and we don't live anywhere near any of the approved shows. Regardless, apparently some neighbors a few doors down were setting off small fireworks. . . . the type that make a lot of popping sounds.

We arrived home to find the bottom half of the molding around our front door ripped off and parts of it chewed into small pieces on the floor. Hunter tried to claw his way out through the wall next to that door; he dug through the drywall all the way to the studs in places, leaving a huge pile of plaster dust on the floor and plaster stuck on his fur and claws. There were little smudges of blood on the floor and on the wall and molding, too, as he had cut his pads trying to claw out of the house. All told, he did an estimated $500-600 worth of damage.

I felt so horrible for Hunter when we arrived home and saw what he had done. How terrified he must have been to cause such damage! He was still panting heavily and drooling everywhere when we got home. . . . two things he does when scared, as we learned the first day we brought him home. It took 15-20 minutes to soothe him and calm him down, and he still jumped with every little pop he heard outside. As we cleaned up the mess he'd made, he was cowering and obviously afraid of being punished. We never even raised our voices to him, though, and made an attempt to project a calm air, once we overcame the initial shock of walking in and seeing the destruction.

So my two Goldens, who usually bring me much joy and entertainment, have been causing us some serious stress the past few days. There have been no fights now for a little over 36 hours, but we still aren't sure how exactly things will be resolved.

Halfway through 2009: a retrospective

The past few years on July 1st, I have stopped and thought "how can this year be half over already?!" (My mom warned me years ago that this happens as you get older. . .) This year is no exception.

Looking back at my blog posts for early January 2009, I do note that this year I didn't formally make any new year's resolutions. One good thing about that: I don't have to look back and dwell on all the things I've failed to do over the past six months. LOL

I do see, though, that even then, I was feeling frustrated and repulsed by my weight and my lack of motivation to do anything about it. On the plus side, it looks like my weight was a LITTLE higher six months ago: trending between 213 and 216, whereas now it's usually between 211 and 213. (Wow! BIG difference! LOL) I started a 30-day exercise challenge in the middle of the month and ended up exercising 28 of 30 days. (Of course, that also led to problems with my right piriformis muscle that continue to plague me today, but I digress.)

Oh, and on the home organization front, I see that I made reference in early January to finally unpacking and sorting through all the boxes from our move in September 2008. Yeah, guess what? It's now July, and that still hasn't happened. Surprise, surprise. I still haven't found some things that I *know* I brought from the old place, and I still have Christmas stuff sitting out in my home office.

So what useful information have I gleaned from looking back at the beginning of the year? Hmmm. The only thing I can discern is that I am still struggling with the same things today that I was struggling with then. Not sure how to feel about that.

On a more positive note, MM and I just passed seven months of marriage, and that is still going well. I am still gainfully employed. I am still blessed with wonderful friends, and my parents and in-laws are in (reasonably) good health. I was able to visit V and Rowan once since the beginning of the year, and I have plans to see them again in September.

OK, so I'm still fat and disorganized. Life is still pretty good.

EDITED TO ADD: OK, after I wrote this, I stumbled across this list from a December 30, 2008 blog post. So far, the only I've accomplished is #7, though I am working on #2 (because I'm being made to!). And so far, so good on #8, which is totally beyond my control.

Top ten things that I would like to do (or see happen) in 2009 (not listed in order of importance or likelihood)

1. Become more routine-oriented
2. Become a more efficient biller at work
3. Visit Rowan at least three times (especially now that he is getting to an age where he'll know whether or not I'm there!)
4. Lose weight (yeah, it's on the list again)
5. Get more organized at home (this one, too)
6. Get pregnant
7. Adopt another dog
8. My parents to stay in good health
9. See more of my friends
10. Write a first chapter for a novel