Just look what thoughts will do. . . .

206.4

I am tired today. (Actually, this declaration seems to have become an almost daily refrain for me.) I am glad it's Friday; I've had a busy week at work. I will probably have to put in some hours some time this weekend, in an attempt to keep a handle on my workload, but that's still better than being at my desk all day.

MM and I had dinner and saw "21" last night with his friends G & S. We had a good time: my dinner was good (though both the men had complaints about theirs), and the movie was entertaining.

After the movie, I spontaneously asked MM if he would come and spend the night at my place. (As I have mentioned before here, he almost never spends the night at my apartment because of Sebastian.) Not sure why: maybe in part, I felt as though I hadn't really spent much time with him that evening, simply because we didn't have any "alone time" during which to talk; I've also had a stressful week. His response was that he couldn't because he didn't have clothes for the next day or his medications.

A rational and not unexpected response from him, but for some reason, I felt disproportionately disappointed, and (MM says) it showed on my face. I am usually not "needy" with my boyfriends, being more self-sufficient than the average woman, so I think my disappointment caught MM off guard.


This seemingly simple occurrence got me thinking about things between MM and me. I love MM, and I have no doubt that he loves me, too. On the whole, I am happy with our relationship: I enjoy the time I spend with him, and I think things are moving in a positive direction. . . . which is big to me, because I am of the belief that things either move forward or one of you moves on.

On the other hand--ah, here's the rub--I am of the belief that there are some inconsistencies in our relationship. He wants us to have a child together, to buy a house together, to "move things forward" and maybe even get married at Thanksgiving. . . . yet we continue to see each other 3-4 nights a week. He seems to think that he is going to go from the way we are now to living together in a house we both own in about a 30-day time period once his place sells.

To my way of thinking, we need to be progressing toward greater commitment/involvement incrementally. MM's general anxiety and struggle with change mean that it takes him a little longer than the average person to adjust to new situations. Fair enough. I get that, and I am not unsympathetic or unwilling to accomodate these peculiarities. Given this set of circumstances, though, I believe that we should be approaching things differently than we are currently. The status quo is fine, for what it is. . . . but I think that our moving in together has a greater likelihood of success if we gradually start spending more time together before we jump right in. This approach is not for my sake: it's for MM's sake.

Anyway. . . . one good thing about our relationship is that I talked with him quite openly about my thoughts/feelings on this subject. (The bad thing about that: it often makes anxious and/or paranoid that I'm secretly planning to end things with him.) So we'll see.

Sure wish I was more of a "go with flow" person.

I'm off to ingest fatty Mexican food in hopes of improving my mood. . . . .