Friday, April 11, 2008

Just look what thoughts will do. . . .


I am tired today. (Actually, this declaration seems to have become an almost daily refrain for me.) I am glad it's Friday; I've had a busy week at work. I will probably have to put in some hours some time this weekend, in an attempt to keep a handle on my workload, but that's still better than being at my desk all day.

MM and I had dinner and saw "21" last night with his friends G & S. We had a good time: my dinner was good (though both the men had complaints about theirs), and the movie was entertaining.

After the movie, I spontaneously asked MM if he would come and spend the night at my place. (As I have mentioned before here, he almost never spends the night at my apartment because of Sebastian.) Not sure why: maybe in part, I felt as though I hadn't really spent much time with him that evening, simply because we didn't have any "alone time" during which to talk; I've also had a stressful week. His response was that he couldn't because he didn't have clothes for the next day or his medications.

A rational and not unexpected response from him, but for some reason, I felt disproportionately disappointed, and (MM says) it showed on my face. I am usually not "needy" with my boyfriends, being more self-sufficient than the average woman, so I think my disappointment caught MM off guard.

This seemingly simple occurrence got me thinking about things between MM and me. I love MM, and I have no doubt that he loves me, too. On the whole, I am happy with our relationship: I enjoy the time I spend with him, and I think things are moving in a positive direction. . . . which is big to me, because I am of the belief that things either move forward or one of you moves on.

On the other hand--ah, here's the rub--I am of the belief that there are some inconsistencies in our relationship. He wants us to have a child together, to buy a house together, to "move things forward" and maybe even get married at Thanksgiving. . . . yet we continue to see each other 3-4 nights a week. He seems to think that he is going to go from the way we are now to living together in a house we both own in about a 30-day time period once his place sells.

To my way of thinking, we need to be progressing toward greater commitment/involvement incrementally. MM's general anxiety and struggle with change mean that it takes him a little longer than the average person to adjust to new situations. Fair enough. I get that, and I am not unsympathetic or unwilling to accomodate these peculiarities. Given this set of circumstances, though, I believe that we should be approaching things differently than we are currently. The status quo is fine, for what it is. . . . but I think that our moving in together has a greater likelihood of success if we gradually start spending more time together before we jump right in. This approach is not for my sake: it's for MM's sake.

Anyway. . . . one good thing about our relationship is that I talked with him quite openly about my thoughts/feelings on this subject. (The bad thing about that: it often makes anxious and/or paranoid that I'm secretly planning to end things with him.) So we'll see.

Sure wish I was more of a "go with flow" person.

I'm off to ingest fatty Mexican food in hopes of improving my mood. . . . .


JessiferSeabs said...

I'm not a very "go with the flow" person either. One way in which Chris was really good for me was that he got me to chill out (while I got him to shape up). I think it is normal to want to know where things are going and on what timeline. People don't typically function well in ambiguity. And from what you've told us about MM, i"m surprised that HE is being so "go wtih the flow" about the whole thing.


Land family said...

Me neither. To me it feels more like being a sitting duck. Just wait for something to happen to you. Nah, if you're feeling something, you have every right to say it and make it known. I definitely see your concerns and I really hope things work out well for you two. You do seem to make each other very happy.