Year in Review

(weight=214)

Did you kiss anyone? Yes. I kissed two different men this year

Did you date anyone? I was engaged until late March, and have gone on dates with two other men since that break-up.

Are you going to have someone to kiss when the ball drops? Yes

Did you lose any friends? No, though I have a few friends to whom I do not talk as often because of moves and life changes

Did you gain any friends? Yes. I actually made a few good friends this year. ;-)

Did you do something new? I took a new job in July, practicing in a different area of the law, and moved to a different city

Did anyone important to you die? Yes, my stepfather died March 31st.

Did you change? Yes. Big year for personal growth for me

Are you happy with the year overall? 2007 was a year of many changes for me and a lot of associated stress, but overall I am happy with the way it turned out.

What's the best thing that happened to you? Meeting and falling in love with MM

Did you fall in or out of love? I fell in and out of love: out of love with my ex-fiance and in love with MM.

Are you happy the year’s almost over? Yes

Are you going to change something about yourself next year? I will start eating more healthfully and exercising regularly again. I'd like to get back into running and maybe run a half-marthon before the end of the year. I've also resolved not to spend time doing anything at work that I cannot bill a client for.

Do you think 2008 will be a better year then 2007? I hope so

Did you lose your virginity in 2007? Um. . . . no. That ship sailed a while ago

How many things did you screw up in 2007? Hmm. Big things, none; little things, probably couldn't count 'em all.

Did you go to an amusement park? No, but I went to Vegas twice

Did you lie to your parents? Yes to my dad, no to my mom

Did you get into a fight? I got in a few verbal altercations, nothing physical

Did you leave the country? No

Did anyone in your family get married? No, but four friends got divorced this year

Do you think you grew? Spirirtually and emotionally, absolutely. Not physically: I actually lost weight this year

Did you sing to anyone? Yes, often: I sing at work almost daily, I sing for MM, and I sang for my baby nephew when I saw him in June and November

What did you drink and eat the most? Drink: Starbucks caffe mocha. Eat: pizza

Did you stick to your new year's resolution from last year? I didn't make any resolutions last year

My boy is home

214.8 (not bad, could've been a lot worse)

Just a quick note. I am trying to actually work today. LOL

MM called around 9:20 to see if he could come by and take me to lunch. Awww. He'll be here in about twenty minutes. We're just going to Chipotle, so nothing fancy.

Sebastian is home! The friend who watched him had some concern that he had a UTI because he peed on her bedroom floor--something he never does. He has seemed OK to me since getting him home, just very, very tired. He is actually at Petsmart right now getting groomed--he was dirty!

I had dinner with KC last night. I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks, so it was good to catch up. She has switched to a new position at work where she is off every weekend. . . . but she now works until 9:00 p.m. four weeknights, so it's hard for us to meet for dinner.

It's frickin' cold here today! Well, by Arizona standards. . . . .

Post #280

?? (didn't weigh again this morning)

As I logged in, I happened to notice that this is my 280th post. When I started this blog, I honestly did not think I would keep it up this long. Who knew? It seems that I will actually get to 300 posts some time early next year.

I arrived home a little after 7:30 last night. MM picked me up at the airport, as planned. He spent the evening--and the night--at my place. It was great to be with him again. I will say, though, that his spending the night at my apartment felt a little strange to both of us. Although we have spent over 10 nights together (not sure of the exact number, 12 or 13?), prior to last night, they had all been at his house due to his allergy to Sebastian.

Even though Sebastian was not there, MM still got congested, sneezy, and itchy at my place. Not nearly as bad as when Sebastian *is* there, but still symptomatic.

With my assistance in getting started, MM loaded about 30 songs on his new iPod last night. (He wanted to use my computer because his is old/slow and he has a dial-up connection, so the downloads would take forever.) He is going to bring me some of his CDs and a list of more songs he wants so that I can finish up for him later in the week.

When I think about it, I really marvel at how well things are going with us. We are so much alike in some ways. . . . but in ways that are good, I think: we understand each other. I never get tired of being with him either. Of course, it's early days yet. . . . but with me, there are plenty of men who have not made it to the 3-month mark. LOL

I almost hesitate to write this in here. . . . because then I feel somehow committed. . . . but I have been mulling over the idea of doing the South Beach diet (again) after New Year's. My sister had asked me to do it with her (long distance), and I am feeling really unhappy about my weight. I know that most New Year's resolutions fail, but I also know that I started Weight Watchers in January 2003 as a New Year's resolutino and ended up losing 35 lbs over the next four months.

I actually have a lot of energy and feel great when I eat South Beach style: only healthy carbs; no alcohol, sweets, or white flour; lots of lean protein and veggies. I could use the extra energy. :)

Well, I am not committed to this idea yet. . . . still kicking it around in my head.

I enjoyed seeing my dad and his family for Christmas, but it's also nice to be back home and to my usual routine.

Homeland

?? (away from home, so away from the scale)

I'm in New Mexico at my dad's. He and I just returned from a two-mile walk on a nearby wilderness path. That distance, which would normally take me about 35 minutes, took over an hour with Dad; still, it was good to get outside and get some activity. We also took their two old dogs (ages 14 and 10), who had a great time.

No big plans for today. I think my dad and stepmom will be doing some food preparations to get a start on tomorrow's Xmas dinner later. I plan to read and relax and spend time with Dad.

I miss MM. We have actually talked on the phone three times since he dropped me at the airport on Saturday afternoon. He is working until 3:00 today, then heading over to spend Xmas Eve with his parents. I will see him tomorrow evening.

He loves me yeah, yeah, yeah

?? (don't know, don't care)

Just a brief entry, typed on my BlackBerry, as I am waiting to board the flight that will take me to my father's for Xmas. We are 20 minutes delayed, but I really don't care. Given that it's the holiday season, it could be a lot worse.

MM and I had a wonderful Friday night and Saturday together. He really loved the gifts I got him, especially his iPod Nano. In addition to my BlackBerry, he also gave me a Starbucks mug and gift card--very sweet. He knows how I love my caffe mocha.

I have pretty much known for a while that MM loves me--and I feel the same--but he actually said those "three little words" to me last night...with no qualifications or equivications. (Of course, I said I love him, too.)

He also told me that I am his best friend and he's so glad I'm in his life. Awwwww.

We had a nice chill time--dinner at Buca di Beppo, then errands and lunch today--and, as usual, lots of sex. LOL

I'm looking forward to spending Xmas with my dad. Almost there!

Too much sangria

215.0 (ugh)

MM and I had dinner with a friend of his and his wife last night. MM was dreading it, because he thinks the wife is "psycho." (Apparently she often yells at her husband; MM is not cool with that.)

The dinner actually went really well. I had fun, the other couple had fun, and I think MM even had fun. . . . all he would say was it "went better than I expected," which isn't saying much since he hadn't set the bar very high. LOL

At their suggestion, we ended up going to a little local Mexican restaurant that I've been wanting to try. The wife and I split a pitcher of sangria; I had about three glasses. As I am now a lightweight, I woke up with a headache this morning and still feel dehydrated. What a wimp.

After dinner, we hung out for a while at an Irish pub and chatted. It was a good time. I learned a few new things about MM, but nothing major and nothing that freaked me out.

MM and I will be hanging out together again tonight (and most of the day tomorrow, too). I'm going over after work, and we will exchange Christmas gifts then. (Well, I already have my Blackberry, but he bought me something small and I haven't given him any of his gifts yet.) Not sure what we'll do after that: maybe a movie, maybe just hang out at home.

I'm looking forward to going to my dad's tomorrow evening. I'll be there through Christmas day.

Putting thoughts into action. . . .

214.8 (ugh)

C and I had dinner last night, and I found out that she eloped last Monday! I knew that this was coming some time soon--she has been living with the same man for some time and had mentioned that they would be eloping when they decided the time was right to marry--but of course it was a surprise to me. As this is the most optimistic act performed by one of my friends in recent memory, I was excited. ;-) And I do genuinely like her husband: he's a very nice guy.

Isn't it funny how we often put off an onerous task, only to find that when we actually "just do it" it wasn't as bad as we thought it would be? At least, I find that this happens to me all the time. This morning, I decided to bite the bullet and clear off my desk. I hate to do it, because it's a pain in the ass and because it's not "billable" time. Once I actually got down to it, it took less than half an hour. Now things are neatly filed, except for my "action" piles, and my inbox is actually empty for the first time in weeks. What a good feeling!

Tonight I am meeting my friend V for a late dinner. I haven't seen her in well over a month--I can't remember the last time we got together, actually--so it'll be good to catch up. She says she has fallen in love with someone she met on match.com, and I have not heard much about him yet except a few short emails. (Caveat: I will say that V falls in love much more quickly than your average woman--she makes me look cautious. LOL)

It's funny: I have as many evening obligations this week as I had last week, but for some reason, I don't feel as stressed out. Maybe it's because I have been a little less busy during the workdays, and also because my commitments for this week are just that: MY commitments. I mean, they are outings with friends that I have scheduled, rather than parties I am obligated to attend because of work. Choice is an important factor in how stressed I feel, I think.

Tomorrow night I have nothing planned, so I will likely use that time to do my laundry, clean up, take the dog for a long walk, and generally relax. I have started reading Love in the Time of Cholera (I've wanted to read it since seeing the movie Serendipity, but seeing it on Oprah's list jogged my memory), and I'd like to get more into it if I can before I go on my trip. I do have a few more gift cards to buy, but I am trying to do all my errands on my lunch hours this week so that I don't have to do them in the evenings.

Oh, I just have to write about a discussion MM and I had on Saturday about my weight. While we were at Bellagio, I took a picture of us in front of one of the Christmas trees (two posts ago). A random stranger saw me take the picture and offered to take a picture of us together. When I was looking at the picture she took afterwards, I commented that I'd have to be doing some cropping because she'd taken a full body shot. MM said "what's wrong with that?" (Spoken like someone who has always been thin.)

So I had to explain to him that I don't allow anyone to photograph me below the waist because I'm fat. After a few minutes, he asked me why, if my weight bothers me, I don't do something about it. (Of course, he prefaced this by saying he doesn't think I'm fat and thinks I look fine.) At the time, I kind of laughed it off, told him it's something I've always struggled with and probably always will, and that he really can't understand because he's naturally thin.

Later, when I was reflecting on our exchange, I started thinking: you know, he's right. If it bothers me that I'm at my current weight, why don't I do something about it? It's not as thought I could ever "fix" my obesity, and I truly do believe that I will likely always struggle with my weight. And I accepted long ago that a big factor in my being fat is unlucky genetics.

But, at the same time, I know from prior experience that I can affect SOME change in this area if I put forth the effort. I can see why he made the remark: it is not in character for me to have an aspect of my life with which I am dissatisfied, yet do nothing about it.

It's all well and good for me to say this has been a lifelong problem (true) and that it's difficult/impossible to "fix" (also true). But if I am unhappy enough about it to comment on it, I should make an effort to change it.

Having said all that, however, I have slept in the past two mornings instead of hitting the treadmill and still got my caffe mocha & bacon & egg breakfast sandwich at Starbuck's this morning. I sure wish I could make the connection between my thoughts about my weight and my actions.

Quick update

213.6

MM and I returned from our Vegas trip yesterday afternoon. It went really well. We got along great and enjoyed spending the weekend together. We stayed at New York/New York and did lots of stuff: had dinner at Nine at the Palms on Friday and went to Ghost Bar after; Saturday, we saw the Shark Reef Aquarium at Mandalay Bay, Christmas conservatory decorations at Bellagio, Wynn, Harrah's, then went to see Mystere at Treasure Island. (One of the acrobats injured his leg during the Mystere performance.) We gambled a little and had lots of sex. LOL An ideal Vegas weekend, right?

Back to work today. I'm still a little tired: I didn't sleep much or well at the hotel and had a hard time falling asleep last night, even though I was exhausted. I feel 75% less tired today than yesterday, though.

This week will be a bit less busy than last, thank goodness. I have several assignments to complete and a few client meetings, but no depositions. I should be able to get pretty caught up, at least in theory.

I'm probably having dinner with my friend C tonight after work. It'll be nice to see her and catch up; it's been a few weeks.

Wednesday is the only evening this week that I don't have anything going on, so I will buy the last few gift cards I need for Christmas gifts then.

How many times have you packed up your life and moved? To/from where?

(This entry started out as a comment posted to someone else's blog. I decided to move it here when it got too long.)

I was born when my parents lived in an apartment in the Jackson Heights area of Queens, NY. When I was 2, we moved to a house on Long Island; when I was 5, we moved to New Mexico--to what I think of as my "childhood home."

I lived in my childhood home in small town NM from age 5 to 17. After that, even if I exclude places I only lived short-term, with no intention of staying longer--say, less than 6 months--I count 16 separate residences as an adult and 17 different roommates (2 were boyfriends).

In college, I lived in two different dorms, one on-campus student apartment, one off-campus apartment, and with my mom for two separate years. I subleased from a friend for 6 weeks one summer, too. During college, if you count suitemates, I lived with 11 different people.

After college, I moved to a small town for my first real job. I lived there for two years and rented two different houses. I lived with 2 different people there--one roommate, one boyfriend.

I moved back to the town where I'd gone to college and lived in two different apartments there in about 18 months (both places alone). I then got tired of commuting and moved to a very cute townhome in El Paso, Texas, where I lived for eight months, alone.

After El Paso, I took a job that required me to live in cities for short-term (3-6 month) contracts. During that three-year period, I lived in Plano, TX, Thousand Oaks, CA, Houston, TX, Waterbury, CT, Phoenix, AZ, Scottsdale, AZ (for 5 weeks), and Tucson, AZ. Except for Scottsdale, I lived in each of those apartments--all rented & furnished by my company--for at least 3 months. I had a roommate once for 6 months (in Phoenix).

I then moved to Tucson for law school. In six-and-a-half years in Tucson, I lived in three different houses and two different apartments. I lived with one roommate for two years and my ex-fiance for a year-and-a-half, the rest of the time alone.

During the two summers I was in law school, I lived in Phoenix for jobs. One summer I lived in my recently-deceased grandmother's house in a retirement community (& had to go home to Tucson every weekend); the other summer, I rented an apartment, which I shared with a friend/classmate.

I moved to my current apartment in July. Given the problems I've had here, I will almost certainly move again in February when my current lease expires. I hate to move again, but I also hate paying a high rent to deal with a lot of unnecessary bullsh1t.

Given that I only lived 3 separate places until age 17, it's no wonder I sometimes feel disconnected and hate to take the time to fully unpack and decorate. Anywhere I've lived as an adult, if things proceed according to the usual course, odds are I won't be there long.

First trip together

?? (forgot to weigh--I was 212 yesterday)

I have been in a bit of a mood the past day and a half. For one thing, this has been the busiest week I've had since starting this job: in the past seven days, I attended five depositions (one out of state), two client meetings, filed several pleadings, attending three holiday parties (with one more to go today), in addition to all the usual daily office stuff. I have only been home before 8:00 p.m. twice this week. During the periods when I have physically been at my desk, I have had many interruptions. . . . which has been particularly frustrating, given the number of pending assignments I need to complete.

Today I am trying to maintain a healthier perspective. In the grand scheme, it really doesn't matter whether I write the six memos I need to complete today, Monday, or Tuesday. I have managed to get everything done that had to go to a court or another attorney, so that's what matters. It is probably not realistic to think I can clear my desk by the end of each week.

MM and I are leaving for Vegas this evening at 7:00. I have been looking forward to our trip. . . . until last night, when MM started talking on the phone about his anxieties about the weekend and whether we will get along. Aye, aye, aye. After the week I've had, I'm kinda not in the mood to be dealing with someone else's issues. But I guess that's what being in a relationship is about, to some degree at least.

My hope is that our office holiday luncheon this afternoon will wipe away the stress of the week and help me mentally prepare for my Vegas trip. I am basically packed and otherwise ready to go. And before MM brought it up, I wasn't particularly worried that we wouldn't get along.

I sent out my 60 holiday cards today, finally. (I usually try to get my cards out right after Thanksgiving; I pride myself on being early with them.) I am definitely going to have to winnow the list, because 60 cards was ridiculous and took way too long to address, etc.

At least I had the foresight to clean house and do laundry on Sunday & Monday nights, so I won't come home Sunday to a messy apartment. I have actually managed OK this week, despite my very full schedule. And at least next week I have fewer evening commitments, so I can work late (and/or take assignments home) if necessary.

P.S. Our office manager came in my office a little while ago to give me my Christmas bonus check. WTF?! I didn't even know I *got* a Christmas bonus! That's an extra $700 (post-tax) that I wasn't expecting. Nice. . . . .

So frickin' annoying

211.0

I rarely vent about work on here. . . primarly because I have few real complaints about my current job. However, on this occasion, I am going to make an exception.

There are three active partners in our firm; I do some work for all three. The partner with whom I have the most cases shares a secretary with me, so there are never conflicts there.

The partner with whom I have the second-most cases (and whose deposition I have flown to California to attend) has a real pain in the ass for a secretary. I could give numerous examples of her mediocrity and general annoying-ness, but I will refrain. Suffice it to say that today's issue with her is not my first. And apparently I'm not the only one whose had problems with her.

She calendared this depo for the wrong time--2:00 when it's really at 3:00. Normally I'd say who cares, but I am stuck in a strange city with no vehicle and only medical offices and a hospital within walking distance. I am now forced to spend nearly an hour in the waiting room of a doctor's office because that's where this stupid depo is being held.

I know this isn't in the holiday spirit. . . but may the fleas of a thousand camels find her tent! AAARGH!

(Later, upon returning home to Phoenix. . . . ) Ok, I am still annoyed that I had to wait in the doctors' office waiting room for over an hour, but whateva. I definitely need to put things in perspective. If this is the biggest complaint I have about my job--and at the moment, it is--I should be jumping for joy! I am super-lucky. ;-)

The Crackberry

213.2

I am sitting in a not-very-interesting deposition and thought I would take advantage of my new Blackberry and write an entry.

Yes, I am now a Blackberry user. MM gave me the Blackberry for Xmas; he wanted to give to me early so we activated it last Saturday while we were out Xmas shopping.

It is a very generous gift and I'm having fun with it. Of course, its cost exceeded our agreed-upon spending limit, so I will be upgrading his gift accordingly. ;)

Things are going well with MM. He went with me to my attorney holiday dinner on Saturday night. He actually liked my colleagues (and it seems the feeling is mutual) and our meal was excellent. The only small downside was that the dinner lasted two hours longer than we thought it would, so we barely made a cameo (20 minutes tops) at MM's friend's holiday party.

Tomorrow I am flying to Santa Ana, CA, to attend a deposition. MM is taking me to the airport. Awwww.

Not much else to report. This week will be hella busy: in addition to all my work tasks, I have social commitments every evening. And Friday we fly to Vegas.

Coupleness

214.2 (ugh)

I was having a debate the other day with a couple of different friends--one happily married, one single at 43--about the benefits of marriage. In other words: what does being legally married actually add to your relationship? (Feel free to weigh in with any and all comments.) Thus far, no one has given me a reason that I find compelling.

Having said that. . . . one friend asked "If MM asked you in a year to marry him, what would you say?" And I had to admit that, despite the fact that I kinda don't see the benefit of marriage, I'd probably say yes. LOL My reason would be that if someone I loved and planned to be with anyway believed that getting married would add something to our relationship, I'd be willing to do it. . . . even if I didn't necessarily agree.

Hmmm. ANYWAY. . . . I am certainly not contemplating marriage with MM at this point! The friend who posed that hypothetical merely used MM to illustrate his point because he is the man I am currently dating.

OK, let's put it straight: MM isn't just "the man I'm currently dating;" he's my boyfriend. Yes, I actually wrote that word. He calls me his girlfriend and introduces me to others as his girlfriend, and I definitely consider him my boyfriend (for lack of a better word to describe the 34-year-old man I love and date). So he's my boyfriend.

Things between MM and me have been going very well of late. We went to Zoo Lights last night, which was quite fun. Made us want to go back to visit the zoo some time during the day so we could actually see the animals, though. And because I was downtown for a deposition today that finished just before noon, we were able to have lunch together. Awww. First time we'd done that.

We have been talking more regularly on the phone and for longer periods of time. We continue to enjoy each other's company, and we have already made plans to spend New Year's Eve together. In fact, we are both feeling easier about discussing things we may do together in the future (say, 2-3 months from now) without having to give a disclaimer like "if we're still together then." Today's lunch aside, we really aren't seeing each other much more often than we had been. . . . but it's a bit difficult between our respective work schedules and the distance between our homes: we live almost 30 miles apart. (I live closer to his work than he does, but his allergy to Sebastian makes it impossible for him to spend the night at my place without feeling miserable.)

I have noticed a subtle change in the dynamic of our relationship since our pre-Thanksgiving talk. (You know, the one where he told me he might not be able to continue seeing me: http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/11/just-when-i-think-things-are-going-well.html) We are both feeling our way into being more committed to one another. Despite our original intention to keep things casual, we had both developed some pretty strong feelings for each other; putting them into words during that discussion just made what was already under the surface explicit.

I notice small differences in our interactions. For my part, I no longer stop before calling or texting him to think "Will this be too much? Will he think I'm not giving him his space?" Now, if I feel the urge to talk to him, I don't hesitate--I call. I have grown to rely on him a little more, as someone I can talk with if I have a problem, for instance. He is, in some ways, more careful around me. . . . quicker to sense (& comment on) my mood, more likely to apologize if (in his typical blunt fashion) he says something without thinking that he fears may hurt my feelings. On the other hand, at times he seems more comfortable around me; it varies.

I don't feel at all that it is too soon for us to be getting involved like this. It feels right. We continue to take things slowly. I am still enjoying the relationship as much as ever. And now I don't have to call him "this guy I'm dating." LOL

P.S. On a less happy note. . . . am I a fat tub of lard or what?! I need to get back on the healthier eating/exercise track. I did take Sebastian for a 30-minute walk tonight. . . . . but I will admit that my primary motivation was the fact that *he* needed the exercise. (He's chewed something up every day this week and last night while I was sleeping.) Aye, aye, aye.

DCC

213.6 (ugh)

How sad is it that I am not dissatisfied enough with the weight above to eschew all fast food and hit the treadmill for an hour tonight? Why do I find this weight acceptable? (sigh)

I was out of commission most of yesterday with a migraine. I started getting a migraine Saturday night, about an hour or so into the ASU-UA football game. Unfortunately, I'd made the fateful decision to leave my purse at home. . . which meant I'd also left my ibuprofen and Imitrex at home. By the time I was able to take some medications, about 4 hours after the headache started, I felt miserable. I continue to have some headache pain (though no other migraine symptoms) on Sunday. I went to bed thinking I'd be 100% in the morning, though.

Um, no. I woke up before 6:00 on Monday morning with a full-on migraine: visual disturbance, horrible pain, nausea, light sensitivity, the works. I had to stay home from work. I took a huge dose of my drugs and lay in bed suffering for almost two hours before finally dozing off. I then slept until almost 2:00. I didn't feel totally back to normal until almost bedtime.

I'm not entirely sure what caused this migraine (or was it two separate migraines?), but I was miserable.

On a side note, MM was quite concerned and solicitous about my headache(s). He is a sweetheart. Things are going quite well with us. We are going to Zoo Lights tomorrow evening and are already making plans to spend NYE together. :-)

Anyway, as I was lying on the couch vegging out on Sunday evening, trying to recover, I somehow got into watching a reality show on CMT about women trying out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (or "DCC," as they call themselves). Any of my friends would tell you that I have an aversion to reality television: I have never voluntarily watched an episode of Survivor or American Idol, and I have been known to ask MM to change the channel if he turns out A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila or I Love New York. Not sure exactly what it was about this DCC show that appealed to me, but I watched 4 consecutive episodes, 2 hours' worth.

One sad girl got "cut" because of her "problem" tummy/midsection. She looked normal to me--and had a body fat of 15%--she weighed 138 lbs, but that was "too big for the uniform," apparently. Most of the women had body fat percentages between 10 and 12%. When Ms. 15% had her body fat measured, the fitness guy told her she was "the biggest one coming through here."

How warped is it that even an unhealthy body fat percentage of 15% is "too fat" for the DCC? (My understanding is that 22-25% is normal for a woman; 17-22% if she's "athletic.") Anyway. . . . I'd have given a lot to look as good as the "fat" girl. LOL

I do want to get back to exercising regularly. My energy level has been for sh1t lately. Perhaps I will hit the treadmill this evening. . . . there's nothing stopping me but laziness. ;-)

S in full rant mode

212.6

The following is an excerpt from a complaint letter I am sending to my apartment complex's coroprate office in Colorado. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. . . and the guilty. Considering that drafting this has consumed hours of my weekend, thought I'd share the love:

I have been a resident at the XY Apartments, in apartment 666, since July 28, 2007. I chose to live at the XY among the many other options in Phoenix and the surrounding metro area in large part because my research revealed that its residents were among the most satisfied with their customer service of any complex. When I first visited, the leasing agent informed me that some of the residents had lived in the complex for many years.

The complex itself is quite pretty, and the grounds are well-maintained. The location is ideal, and I love my apartment: it is spacious, with lots of closet space. My neighbors are friendly, and I feel safe living here.

However, in the past two weeks, I have experienced a situation here that was, to put it mildly, intolerable. On the evening of November 16th, a little before 6:00 p.m., I returned home to find scummy water backed up into both sides of my kitchen sink. When I had left my apartment that morning, the sink was completely empty, clean, and dry; it was therefore obvious even to me that the problem did not originate in my apartment.

After bailing some water out to keep the sink from overflowing, I called the main office number to leave a message that maintenance was needed. I initially left a “non-emergency” message because the water level seemed to have stabilized once I had bailed water out.

In the next ten minutes or so, I heard gurgling noises and rechecked the sink to find that the water level was rising. At that time, I called back and left a message on the “emergency” number for maintenance. The recording on that message asked for my apartment number, telephone number, and the maintenance problem. I left this information, along with the fact that I had a dog in the apartment who might attempt to escape if the door was left open.

I had an obligation outside my home at 6:30 p.m. By 6:20 p.m., no one had arrived to fix my plumbing, despite the fact that I placed the call for “emergency” maintenance at 6:06 p.m. I left at approximately 6:20 to keep my appointment, believing that when I returned, my maintenance issue would have been addressed.

When I returned home at approximately 8:30 p.m., not only had no one come to fix my plumbing problem, the water level in the sink had risen once again and overflowed the sink, onto the countertops and onto the floor. Two brand new paperback books that had been sitting on the counter were water-soaked and ruined; a stack of new clothing sitting next to them on the counter was also soaked with the dirty water.

Upon discovering this condition, I called the “emergency” number a second time. I received a call back a few minutes later from an “unidentified” number. The caller did not identify himself; however, I figured out that he must be the maintenance man because he told me that he had received my earlier “page,” come by, and would not enter my apartment because of the dog inside. When queried, he claimed that he could not call me to tell me this because I didn’t leave him my phone number in my message. He also left no note or anything else to indicate that he had been to my apartment, even though the management of the complex routinely communicates with its residents by posting notes just outside the front door. (Indeed, there is a clip attached to the outer wall expressly for that purpose.)

At the time of my initial call, the backed-up water in my sink was disgusting and inconvenient; now a flood had occurred, creating a huge mess and an unsanitary living condition. The smell was quite bad also. Prompt attention to my first call could have prevented the situation from progressing. To abbreviate the remainder of our conversation considerably, I was angry at the maintenance worker’s complete lack of response to a maintenance emergency and told him so. The then-anonymous maintenance worker apparently became angry also and ultimately hung up on me.

No one ever came to fix my plumbing that night. After mopping up the water on the counters and floor and (for the third time) bailing water out of my sink, I had to sleep the entire night wondering whether I would wake up to another flood. Additionally, the stench from the backed-up sink was foul.

Shortly after the office opened the following morning at 10:00, I went to once again report this plumbing problem, this time to someone other than the maintenance man. There was still a small amount of dirty, standing water in my sink at that time. Zelda, the leasing agent with whom I spoke, told me that someone would be up “within the next couple of hours” to assess the situation and fix the problem.

At 12:45 p.m., when no one had come by or called, I called Zelda to inquire on the status of my maintenance call. I was once again assured that someone would be up soon to fix the sink.

At 2:00 p.m., when no one had arrived, I called a second time. This time Zelda informed me that the maintenance man was busy “helping the manager move some furniture.” I reiterated that this was an emergency, due to the unsanitary and unlivable condition created in my home by this plumbing problem, and once again asked that someone be sent to fix it.

At 2:23 p.m., when still no one had come by, I called a third time. Five minutes after my third call on that Saturday, the self-same maintenance man who had hung up me on the night before (who I have since learned is named Satan) showed up with a bottle of drain cleaner. I explained to him, as I had on the phone the previous night, that the problem was not a clogged drain, but rather that water had flowed up into my sink from some other unit. Nonetheless, he tried (unsuccesfully) to clear the drain using the drain cleaner. A few minutes later, a plumber was called. The plumber was at my apartment and working on the problem by 4:00 p.m. I was gone from 2:45 to 4:00, so I cannot be certain exactly when the plumber arrived.

Because I had to leave before his work was complete, I do not know exactly how long the plumber worked on my kitchen sink. I do know that, when I left home shortly before 6:30 p.m., the plumber was still working.

Despite the fact that I was—and am—extremely dissatisfied at the shoddy customer service I had received and at having to tolerate a disgusting and unsanitary condition in my home for nearly 20 hours, I waited to be contacted by the complex manager to discuss this issue. On Saturday, during my last two phone conversations with Zelda, she had assured me that the manager would call me on Monday.

As of November 29, no one had called me. (I have since learned that no one called because apparently the manager left that weekend, and the complex is currently without an on-site manager.) The issue was not uppermost in my mind : I was out of town for six days for the Thanksgiving holiday and returned to a busy week at work. I did not wish to take the time or energy at that time to resolve what I believe to be a significant issue.

Upon returning home on the evening of November 29 just before 5:30 p.m., I discovered that my kitchen sink was once again backed up with dirty water from another unit. As with the past occurrence, I had left my sink empty and dry at 8:30 that morning. This time, though, there was no “warning”: the water had already overflowed the sink, onto the counters, into the kitchen drawers and cabinets, and onto the floor. I can only assume that the water must have been standing for some time, as the pressboard drawers and cabinet shelves had swelled and are now deformed from the water damage. Luckily for me, this time none of my belongings were on the counters, and therefore nothing belonging to me was damaged.

To give credit where credit is due, this time my maintenance issue was attended to promptly. I called the office and spoke to Chantal, who immediately called out a plumber to fix the problem. By 9:30 p.m. when I returned home (I was gone from 5:45 to 9:30), both sides of the sink were empty and the sink appeared to be in working order. Of course, I still had to clean up the mess made by the foul water and, as I mentioned above, the water had damaged the kitchen drawers and cabinet shelves.

Having been a renter for the past eighteen years, I am well aware that maintenance issues do arise and that they are not completely unavoidable. This simple fact is the primary reason that apartment complexes employ maintenance workers and give residents a way to reach someone on call 24 hours a day in case of an emergency. However, I have never before, in any of the complexes where I have lived—at least 15 at last count—received the complete lack of customer service and inattention to basic needs that I received in the handling of my plumbing problem on November 16-17, 2007.

By any definition, the situation that existed in my apartment on November 16-17 was an emergency. Waste water ,which was obviously from another unit other than mine, had overflowed my kitchen sink and flooded my kitchen. In addition to the destruction of my books and the inconvenience of having to clean up the stinking mess, the situation created was downright unsanitary and unlivable. I also could not use my kitchen sink for over 24 hours.
Yet, in spite of this emergency situation, maintenance worker Satan elected not to respond to my maintenance call: first, ostensibly because of the dog in my apartment, and later, I suppose, because he didn’t like my attitude toward him. (As a side note: the fact that a dog lives in my apartment is obviously no secret: the pet is listed in my lease, and I pay a montly pet rent fee.)

I do not believe that handling a serious maintenance issue in this manner is appropriate under any circumstances, but particularly not in a community that bills itself as a “luxury apartment complex.” I pay a not inconsiderable amount of rent to live at the XY and do not believe that it is unreasonable to expect that any maintenance problem will be addressed promptly, with a minimum of excuses from the complex’s employees.

Upon speaking to Zelda again on the evening of November 30, two suggestions were made to remedy this situation: that I be transferred to another unit, where my rent would be increased by $100/month (due to recent refurbishment of that unit), or that I receive a $50 credit to my account. I do not find either of these proposed resolutions appropriate or sufficient.

I have no desire to transfer to another unit. If I must be inconvenienced more than I already have been by having to move, I might as well move to another apartment complex as to another unit. Also, the suggestion that in doing so I would agree to increase my monthly rent by $100 is simply ludicrous. Given the low level of customer service I have received here, I now feel that the rent I am already paying is excessive. Paying an additional $100/month is out of the question.

A $50 credit to my account is insulting. $50 does not even begin to compensate me for the rudeness, neglect,propery damage, inconvenience, and even health risk that I endured because of this situation. In addition to what I have already experienced, I know that I will now come home each day with a concern that I will once again encounter a kitchen flooded with filthy, stinking water. My wasted time due to this situation alone is far more valuable than $50.

Even worse than the wasted time and frustration is the fact that I am no longer fully at peace in my own home. I know that, inevitably, I will need to call for maintenance at some time, and I now have absolutely no confidence that any problem will be addressed timely, or in fact at all, by the XY staff. In fact, it seems fairly certain that if I have any future maintenance needs, I will have a rude, disrespectful, and dishonest “worker”—someone who already has demonstrated his retribution for our previous unpleasant encounters by deliberately ignoring my emergency calls, refusing to come to my apartment in a timely fashion, and attempting to slander me to other complex staff—entering my home in my absence. That is unsettling at best.

In consideration for the rude and inattentive treatment I have endured from your staff, I propose one of the following options: 1) one month’s free rent; or 2) transfer to a remodeled unit at my current rent until the end of February, when my current lease expires, moving expenses to be paid by you.

I am fully aware of my rights under Arizona landlord-tenant law and have no qualms about pursuing alternative methods of settling this issue if we cannot arrive at an equitable resolution. I await your response.

Hump Day already

213.0 (yikes)

The only thing I can figure about my weight going up 0.4 lbs in one day is that I was dehydrated yesterday morning when I weighed. . . . which is entirely possible, given that I had been traveling the previous day. Now I now I am well-hydrated, after drinking nearly 3 liters of water over the course of yesterday, and I also didn't eat poorly yesterday.

I was exhausted this morning when my alarm went off at 5:30. I reset it to 6:30, then turned it off at 6:30 instead of hitting snooze. I slept until 7:30. (I went to bed a little after 9:30.) Now that I'm finally up and awake, I feel refreshed, so I guess I needed that extra sleep.

I'm having a bowl of delicious Kashi Go Lean Crunch as I type this.

MM called last night. (He'd also text'd again yesterday afternoon to suggest we meet for dinner on Thursday.) We didn't talk long--less than 15 minutes--but it was good to hear from him. Up until a couple of weeks ago, he never called just to chat, but now he does so pretty regularly. I don't mind at all; I like hearing from him.

I got a little bit of cleaning and laundry done last night, though not nearly the amount I had hoped. Well, today is a new day.

Work is busy. I have a lot that I need to get done this week. I may end up working either Saturday or Sunday to get it all completed by next Monday; we'll see.

Not much else to tell. I ordered a few Christmas gifts from amazon.com yesterday and still have a few more left to buy. MM and I are going shopping on Saturday, so maybe I can finish then.

Back to my life

212.6

I have to say that, given my lack of exercise over the past few weeks, coupled with my horrendous eating over the past several days while on vacation, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the above number on the scale. Granted, it is pretty close to what I weighed when I started Weight Watchers back in 2003 (212.2 was my start weight then), but looking at it from my current perspective, I'll take it.

After my weeks of relative inactivity and my past week or so of crappy eating, I've been feeling like a slug. So when I got home from MM's this morning around 6:00 a.m., I walked on the treadmill for about 25 minutes. (I'd hoped to jog half the time, but ended up just walking at 3.8 mph instead because I was tired.) Today I've been drinking lots of water--I'm partway through my 2nd liter of the day--and I had a healthy salad for lunch. I intend to stop by Trader Joe's on the way home to pick up some food, since I have basically nothing at home, so while I'm there, I'll get something relatively healthful for dinner, too.

Had a nice evening with MM last night. We just grabbed dinner at Red Robin, then hung out at his place and watched some TV. (And had lots of sex. LOL I lost count after the 5th or 6th time.) I was EXHAUSTED. I ended up spending the night there, simply because I was too wiped out to drive home before it even got to be 10:00. MM commented at dinner that I was not my "usual bubbly self." He said he'd wondered if I was subdued because I was upset with him, until I explained that I was just hella tired. The traffic was not quite as bad on the drive home because I left 30 minutes earlier than last time; I'm glad I spent the night with him.

It was really great being with MM again. I don't have doubts about him or us when we are together. He must've told me 5-6 times that he missed me and that he was glad I was back, and he was extra-affectionate: he spent hours holding me in his arms and kissing my hair & forehead. He called me "my girl" and "my buddy" and obviously was just generally glad to be with me. Seems crazy to me that he would consider giving this up. . . .

He already text'd me as soon as he got to work this morning to see how my drive home was this morning. So things seem to be status quo between us. We'll see.

Sebastian was happy to see me. He was confused to be at MM's, and he had to sleep outside the bedroom, which did not make him happy. When I last saw him before I left for work this morning, he was curled up on my couch with his head on the arm; he didn't even raise his head as I walked out the door, he was so tired.

My agenda for the rest of today is to keep cranking out some assignments here at work until about 6:00 and spend the evening doing laundry and cleaning up. I have a crapload of stuff to do, at work and at home.

Still, it's good to be back.

Gratitude

(Written on my laptop on the plane)

Back in 1998, I read a quote from a speech of Oprah Winfrey's in Reader’s Digest (of all places) that inspired me to begin keeping a gratitude journal. Here's her quote:

Keep a grateful journal. Every night, list five things that happened this day that you are grateful for. What it will being to do is change your perspective of your day and your life. If you can learn to focus on what you have, you will always see that the universe is abundant; you will have more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never have enough.

I have read the same or similar suggestions from several other sources since. For a few months in late 1998 and into early 1999, I wrote regularly in my gratitude journal. . . . if not every night, then at least 3-4 nights a week on average. I adapted it to three things a day, finding five too difficult sometimes. Considering my lack of self-discipline, that is pretty good for me.

Lately I have begun thinking that I need to resume this habit. Finding three things each day for which I was thankful was sometimes easy, sometimes difficult, but always seemed to give me a greater appreciation of that day.

It is so easy to live our lives looking forward, to how things will be, and back, to how they were, or how we wish they had been. I want to be fully present in the here-and-now, and I’ve found that keeping the gratitude journal was a good way for me to do this. . . . in addition to the reasons that Oprah suggests.

I doubt I will post my gratitude journal entries here, as many of them are quite cheesy and personal. I might throw in an occasional one to spice things up, but for me, this exercise seems to work best if I keep my thoughts private and actually write them out by hand in a pretty little book just before I go to sleep.

In that spirit, and in the spirit of the recently-concluded Thanksgiving Day holiday, here are a few things for which I am grateful:

*My nephew Rowan. Being an aunt is way cool: all of the fun of being with a baby and none of the responsibility of being a parent. It’s neat to see Rowan’s different characteristics, especially the ones that seem to come from our side of the family. He is in that wonderful phase where he is exploring his world using all his senses. You can almost sense all that he is learning from his observations.

*The airplane. I have to admit, I don’t like flying much. . . . not because I fear it (I don’t at all), but because it is a hassle and very tiring. Plus it makes me feel faintly nauseated. However, inconveniences aside, it is such a quick way to travel. It would be next-to-impossible for me to visit my sister and nephew without the airplane; 3000+ miles is just too far for someone who only gets two weeks a year of vacation to travel for a visit.

*My sister. As a child, I sometimes wished I didn’t have siblings. (Don’t all kids, in their own selfishness, wish this? Especially first-borns?) At least since college, I have been very grateful to have my sister. Our relationship is fairly close, especially considering that we have not lived within 3000 miles of one another since graduating from college in 1994. It is a wonderful thing to have someone you can talk with who has known you almost all your (& all her) life; who knows your crazy family, because she’s a part of it; and who is someone you would choose as a friend if she weren’t already your sister.

I could probably post more, but that’ll be my three for today. :)

Not wholly looking forward to getting home. I have a couple of things I must accomplish today at work before 5:00, and I’m a little stressed about that. Best case scenario, I will likely not arrive at the office before 1:00 or so. (Not much point in worrying about it at the moment, however: I am stuck on the plane and can’t make it arrive any faster than its schedule arrival.)

In addition to the crap I have to face at work, I left my apartment a mess before I left. It really sucks to come home to a messy, disorganized home. You’d think I’d have thought of this before I left, but nope. In fairness to myself . . . . I did think of it, but work and spending time with MM took precedence over the two hours or so it would have taken to set things to rights in my apartment. I can’t really say that my priorities were out of whack there. :)

Add to all this the fact that I am really tired. I got up at 2:30 a.m. Arizona time this morning, after going to sleep at around 9:00 p.m. Arizona time. I need my eight hours of sleep to function optimally. . . . more when I am stressed, physically, mentally or emotionally. Travel is stressful for my body, at least, so between that stress and my relative lack of sleep, I will probably sleep like a baby tonight.

I *am* looking forward to seeing Sebastian and MM. Yes, in that order. LOL I have talked to MM once and texted him a few times since I left, while I have had zero contact with Sebastian (obviously). Plus, Sebastian has never told me that he’s thinking of ending things with me, for any reason. tee hee

I am planning to leave work at 6:30 today and drive out to my friend’s house to pick Sebastian up. We will then stop at MM’s on our way home; MM told me before I left (& again on the phone Saturday) that he wants to see me tonight. Poor Sebastian will have to be sequestered in one of the upstairs bedrooms so that MM’s allergies don’t act up, but I do want to see MM.

I thought that this trip and my time away from MM might give me a needed opportunity to think clearly about him and our situation. I think what I realized is that I’ve had clarity all along. No new revelations came to me, and my perspective hasn’t changed. My feelings for him are still as strong as ever. My doubts about the relationship have not increased or diminished.

I am more than a little hurt (& a little resentful) that, by sharing his feelings with me, MM has put me in the position of worrying about what’s going to happen between us. I have been so proud of myself for having been mostly serene about “where this is going.” Though it may not seem so from reading this blog, I have never been so relaxed & Zen about a relationship before. . . . particularly not one where I really care about the man.

My sister thinks that I am silly to worry about his breaking up with me. Her belief is that, were he genuinely planning to do so, he’d have just done it and not talked with me about it and his feelings. And she may be right . . . . but I am now unable to completely silence the little voice of doubt in my head. Before our conversation of 11/18, that voice was either absent, or so quiet that it was easily ignored.

Damn him for taking our nice, easy, casual relationship and making it stressful for me! :)

Anyway. . . . I just need to let it go and let whatever is going to happen, happen. I am not going to positively affect anything by worrying and obsessing over it.

Damn US Airways!

I am so fucking pissed off at US Airways right now! I booked my travel for today way back in August. A few weeks after booking a lovely, nonstop, direct flight from Phoenix to Dulles, I got an email letting me know that the airline had cancelled said flight. I was then changed to the flight I am currently scheduled to take: a flight to Dulles with a change of planes in Charlotte.

I was perplexed as to why an airline would cancel a direct flight between two major U.S. cities on the busiest travel day of the air and more than a little annoyed, but because I had no alternative--a refund was not an option--I had to change the flight.

I arrived at the airport today 2 hours ahead of my scheduled flight. . . . in plenty of time. Early, even. As soon as I did the electronic check-in, I got a message saying that my flight had "no available seats." WTF???!!

I proceeded to the gate, as instructed, to be told that my flight is oversold and that I may get bumped to a later flight. The major problem with that plan is that I have a connection in Charlotte that I will miss if I take a later flight. . . . and the next flight from Charlotte to Dulles will not get me in until over 2 hours later. And that flight is the last one to Dulles tonight.

I am so frickin' pissed. I knew that something like this was going to happen. I have gone from a nice, stress-free direct flight getting in before 7:30 p.m. to not knowing if I will be at my sister's house before 11/22. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Damn whoever decided that overselling this flight was a good idea! And damn the dickhead who cancelled my original direct flight. I stopped flying US Airways for five years when they were still America West because they dicked me over on a flight to Vegas on my 26th birthday. Looks like I should start boycotting them again.

(Though MM and I are flying US Airways to Vegas next month. . . . . )

Happy fuckin' Thanksgiving. . . . .

Happy Turkey Day

211.0

Just a brief entry to say that I am leaving town in a few hours for the Thanksgiving holiday. Looking forward to seeing my sister & nephew; decidedly NOT looking forward to flying today. (sigh)

Things with MM are status quo. I doubt he will end things while I am gone. We have already made plans to get together when I return on Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just when I think things are going well. . . .

209.4

As usual, when I have a genuine concern/problem, I am reluctant to blog about it. I do want to say that some things came up between MM and me this weekend that were unexpected.

I thought things were progressing quite well between us--that we were enjoying each other's company and developing feelings for one another--and while these things are also true, we may not be together much longer, depending on circumstances. It's a bit of a weird thing to have the man you are seeing tell you that he loves you, thinks you are perfect for him, and can see a real relationship with you. . . . only to have him also tell you in the same discussion that he is not sure if he can continue to date you. (sigh)

Anyway. . . . I am not particularly trying to be cryptic. I'm just too worn-out to explain the whole situation here. Because of the talk we had last night, I didn't get much sleep: I ended up staying at his place, not going to sleep until after 1:00, then getting up at 5:30 to drive home. (Side note: there was already an insane amount of traffic on the freeways at 6:00 a.m. Never again will I spend the night at his place on a weeknight, no matter the inducement.)

In addition to being emotional and sleep-deprived, I am hella busy at work today. Typical Monday, plus I had a deposition in the morning, and one of the partners is gearing up for a trial next week. Couple all that with the fact that I am trying to tie up loose ends to leave town on Wednesday, and it's not been a particularly pleasant day. Ah well.

It never ceases to amaze me how bad my timing is. If MM had told me two weeks ago the things he told me yesterday, I would have pulled back from him and probably avoided a lot of (potential) hurt feelings. Instead, he gave me every indication that he was happy with the way things were going and that he was falling for me, too. So I let myself be open to that possibility and let myself get attached. Now look where I am.

I don't know what will happen. At this point, everything after this week is a question mark. I know I am seeing him tomorrow night, and I know he is still taking me to the airport on Wednesday; beyond that, who knows.

Well, whatever happens, this, too, shall pass. Hard to maintain a healthy perspective on 4 hours' sleep, though.

Gotta get back to work . . . . .

Humph

(didn't weigh)

I have mentioned here before that I have a temper and that I hate having a temper. My temper reared its head last night when a significant maintenance issue in my apartment was not addressed. (In fact, said issue has still not been addressed. . . . but anyway.)

The only truly noteworthy thing about my having lost my temper is that MM happened to call me (back) not 5 minutes after I'd lost it. So he got to experience, at least second-hand and over the phone, the true S wrath for the first time.

Not sure how good a thing that is, but hey. . . . the guy was gonna see it eventually anyway. At least this way, his first experience with my temper was when it was directed at someone other than him. I think that part is good, at least.

MM and I were actually on the phone last night for almost an hour and a half, by far our longest phone conversation yet. We really didn't talk about anything major: just chatted, once he'd talked me down. LOL

About 10 minutes before we hung up--by now it was about 9:30--his landline rang and it was his ex-girlfriend with whom he is still on friendly terms. WTF was she doing calling him at 9:30 on a Friday night?! I know he is not into her, or they'd still be together, and he has been very open about the fact that they are still casual friends. . . . but I don't like that she feels that she can call him at 9:30 p.m. on a Friday. Humph.

Anyway. . . . to his credit, he told her he couldn't talk because he was on the phone with me and didn't immediately end our call to call her back. I don't genuinely feel threatened. . . . more annoyed with her. Which is a bit ridiculous, as she is a total stranger to me. LOL

MM is coming to get me at 3:00; we are going hiking. I'm looking forward to it! Haven't been on a hike in quite some time. We are, of course, spending the evening and night together as well. ;-)

Aside from my frickin' backed-up kitchen sink and MM, there's not much else to share.

I'm over it!

211.0

I have absolutely zero motivation to exercise lately. I know, I know: motivation is crap, and I should just give myself a good kick in the a$$ and do it anyway. Maybe next week. ;-)

My eating has been so-so. Not eating a lot, but I haven't been eating enough veggies, I've been eating some fatty foods, and I've had a piece of chocolate cake the last two days (damn the office birthday celebration!). A salad is likely in order for today's lunch, just to get some veggies in.

Today is a weird weather day here. It's usually always sunny (& often warm/hot) here, but today is overcast and hazy. I am dressed inappropriately for the weather because I dressed for what it was yesterday without checking the forecast. Ah well.

I enjoyed seeing MM last night, as always. (When have I ever not enjoyed being with him??) We had our planned dinner at Red Lobster, followed by a short trip to Best Buy so he could pick the latest Foo Fighters CD. He stopped up to my place briefly, but didn't stay long because his allergies were already bothering him and being around Sebastian didn't help.

The only noteworthy event of the evening: I unintentionally hurt his feelings at the tail end of dinner. I think I jinxed myself yesterday when I told my friend M that MM hadn't mentioned SL since I told him how/why we broke up. I don't want to go into great detail about what upset MM; suffice it to say that he asked if I still had feelings for SL and didn't totally believe me when I said I am over it and I don't.

It was nothing that MM said that let me know he was upset; it was more his body language and the expression on his face. (Side note: I am getting to know him well, no?) In fact, he *said* that if I did still have feelings for SL it would be OK and understandable. . . . but I know that's not how he felt.

What I wanted to say to MM--and didn't--was that I KNOW I am completely over SL in part because, if I weren't, I couldn't have the feelings I have for him. I am very much a one-man woman; always have been. I was over SL before I ever met MM, but falling for MM has shown me how very, very over SL I am.

A couple of friends have asked why I don't just tell MM about my feelings. I will admit that a small part of me is just afraid to put myself out there: what if he doesn't feel the same? what if I get hurt? But the main reason is that I am very content with my relationship with MM, just as it is. I don't want to do or say anything to disturb the status quo. . . . and I feel that, no matter how I approach it, telling MM that I am falling in love with him will change things.

I'm not entirely sure how it would change things, but I could hazard a few guesses. Either he wouldn't feel the same, in which case it would likely lead to awkwardness or the end of the relationship, or he *would* feel the same and would feel compelled to "move things forward" in some way. Or just putting that out there will cause MM to feel pressured or weird in some way, and that will adversely affect our relationship. Let's face it: clearly the guy has some hang-ups about commitment. He is 34, has never married, and has purposely sought out an arrangement with me where we are not girlfriend/boyfriend.

At this point, I really cannot see that much can be gained from my telling him about my feelings. I try to make it clear to him in every way short of actually saying the words aloud. I am just going to leave well enough alone (for the first time in my life).

We talked a lot last night about our planned trip to Vegas. We are both excited about it. MM and I are eerily similar in our thinking about some things; I think we both see this trip as not only a fun adventure, but another step/test in our relationship.

BTW. . . MM called me five minutes after he left my house because he forgot to tell me a joke. . . then called me again when he got home 25 minutes later with another joke. C'mon: the guy is into me. . . . ;-)
We are going hiking on Saturday afternoon and will spend the evening and the night together. (I've got to go to Tucson early Sunday morning.) And he is taking me to the airport next Wednesday when I leave for DC.

OK, enough about MM! No sense in creating drama where there is none. I know my remarks about SL upset him briefly, but I also know that he knows that I'm not going anywhere. I have to believe that this is enough for now.
And I have nothing else to report. . . .

Eh

209.6

I'm feeling kind of "eh" this evening. Fairly productive day at work, but lots of time spent reading and writing. It's definitely one of those days when I'm glad to come home to just Sebastian and not have to make conversation with anyone.

MM called a little while ago. Over the past couple of weeks, he has begun calling me more often. He's actually not a big phone person, which I frankly do not mind since I have so many long-distance friends to whom I talk regularly. Between my friends, my mom, my sister, and occasionally my dad, I spend PLENTY of time on the phone as it is.

So MM and I were on the phone for about a half hour tonight. . . . kind of a rare thing with him. Not only has he not always called daily (& still doesn't, not every day), but usually his calls are brief: 5-10 minutes tops. We had a very basic conversation. I'm "eh," as I said, and he was tired and (I could tell) stressed about work.

Well, that's day-to-day life, right? It's not all rainbows and lollipops. LOL

We are going to get together for dinner tomorrow night after work. I'm looking forward to being with him, as always. ;-)

Work was work. Not much more to say about that. I've got lots of irons in the fire at all times now. I still learn something new nearly every day. Sometimes I wonder when/if I will reach the point where I don't need to learn something new each day. LOL

I can't wait to see my nephew! I fly out for DC a week from tomorrow. I found out today from my sis that we will be spending the holiday at their North Carolina beach house, so that should be fun.

The Birthday Boy

Serenity now

209.6

I know my last post was cryptic. When I wrote it, I just wanted to admit the fact to the universe and therefore to myself. My feelings are not something I have as yet discussed explicitly with MM, and I don't have plans to do so in the immediate future. I don't feel as though I want to tell him yet. I just wanted to acknowledge it.

I had a wonderful weekend. Friday night I met KC for a quick dinner at Pei Wei after her shift, then just surfed the internet. Saturday was a full day. I got a haircut & highlights in the morning, then went to Borders and bought three new books--I used gift cards from my wedding shower in March, so the whole purchase only cost me a nickel of my own money. Both my trip to the salon and my books gave me a lift: I love my hairstylist and he does great work.

KC and I then met for lunch at a place called My Big Fat Greek Restaurant. It was my first time eating there, and it was delicious! The portions were huge, too, so I had enough leftovers for last night's dinner, too. After lunch, KC and I went shopping. I didn't overspend, so I was proud of myself.

Unfortunately, as we were shopping, I started getting a headache which had blossomed into a migraine by the time I made it home. I drugged up on Imitrex & ibuprofen and took a nap, then had to get up and start getting ready for MM to pick me up.

By the time MM arrived to get me for our date, my migraine had subsided some, but I still wasn't 100%. He mentioned at dinner that he'd noticed I was a lot quieter than usual; he'd assumed I was nervous about meeting his parents. When I told him that I was recovering from a migraine, I think he was relieved.

MM tried to reassure(?) me about meeting his parents by telling me that his mom hasn't liked any of his girlfriends, so it wouldn't matter to him if she didn't like me. OK. Come to find out. . . . I am only the third woman he has introduced to his parents. Wow. No pressure. ;-)

We went to the airport to pick the parents up, and they were exactly what I'd expected. The meeting went fine: we drove them home, brought their bags in and stayed about 10-15 minutes, then left for our comedy show. They certainly seemed to like me. They were very nice, typically Midwestern folk of their generation. No surprises.

We went to the Tempe Improv as planned and enjoyed the show. (MM actually enjoyed the opening act even more than the headliner, and I have to agree that he was very funny.) The show didn't end until almost 12:30, and then we still had to drive to MM's, so we didn't even get back to his place until after 1:00.

We went to bed as soon as we arrived home with the intention of going right to sleep. . . . but you know how that goes. ;-) Between chatting and what not, we ended up not going to sleep until after 4:00. We were awakened just after 7:00 by one of MM's probationers calling him. Ugh.

Neither of us really went back to sleep much after that phone call, and around 10:30, we finally gave up and got dressed. We got me a much-needed coffee, then went to lunch and to see "American Gangster" (an excellent movie). After the movie, we got an ice cream, then picked up Sebastian. MM drove us home, and that was our weekend.

MM and I agreed yesterday to take a trip to Vegas together next month. He booked our flight and a room at New York/New York last night. We're psyched!

One last note re MM: there was no significant event, no "aha!" moment, that made my realize that I am in love with him. Rather, it was a realization that has been a while coming that I made after having spent about 22 straight hours with him. I am in a very comfortable and serene place about us at the moment. I hope this lasts! ;-)

Sebastian was exhausted after being at my coworker's all weekend. By all accounts, he had a great time and fit in wonderfully. They are looking forward to having him back for Thanksgiving.

And that was my weekend! After MM dropped us off, I played on the computer and just generally relaxed, while exchanging calls, emails, & texts with MM re our Vegas trip plans. And I had a nice conversation with my friend C in Tucson about her match.com experiences thus far.

Back to work today. No holiday off for me!

I think I am in love with MM

That is all.

Stolen from another blog. . . .

Much as I enjoy my usual boring daily posts about my relationships and mental status, I thought I'd mix it up today. ;-)

1. Do you like cheese? I love it! One of my favorite foods.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Hell no! I have never done drugs of any type and never would.
3. Do you own a gun? No.
4. Your favorite song? Too many I love to pick one favorite; my current fave is Paralyzer by Finger Eleven
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like 'em when I'm in the mood for them, especially at baseball games.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Angels We Have Heard on High. P.S. I hate secular holiday songs.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Starbucks caffe mocha
9. Can you do push ups? Yeah, about 20 real ones, 30 "girl" ones
10. Is your bathroom clean? Relatively ;-)
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My faux pearl Edwardian-style ring; I call it my un-engagement ring because I bought it for that finger after I broke my engagement and returned the ring
12. Favorite Hobby? Hiking
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Don't think I have one. Breasts aren't really consider a "secret weapon"
14. Do you have A.D.D.? No.
15. What is one trait you hate about yourself? My temper
16. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. (1) I'm so tired of hearing about my friend's ex-husband! (2) I'm totally into MM (3) Should I eat??
17. ??
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought: All purchased yesterday: a shower caddy, a shirt for my nephew and panties from Old Navy
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: water, coffee, Dr Pepper
20. Current worry right now? Getting all my work done by the applicable deadlines
21. Current hate? "Crank Dat" by Soulja Boy! Just stick a sharp stick in my eye, why don't you?
22. Favorite place to be? On a tropical beach with a great book. . . . or in MM's arms :-)
23. How did you bring in the New Year? At a party watching my ex-fiance pass out drunk and fall to the floor just as the ball dropped
24. Where would you like to go? When? To heaven when I die; to DC to see my nephew and on a weekend trip to anywhere with MM soon; to Italy before I die
25. ??
26. Do you own slippers? Yes.
27. What shirt are you wearing? A blue T-shirt of MM's from Old Navy
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No; too slippery
29. Can you whistle? Yep.
30. Three favorite colors? Royal blue, green, and pastel blue
31. Would you be a pirate? No.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? You name it, I sing it
33. Favorite girl's name? Alexandra
34. Favorite boy's name? Robert
35. What's in your pocket right now? Nothing
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Something silly MM said
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Wizard of Oz
38. Worst injury you've ever had? I had a severe laceration to my left index finger requiring 7 stitches a little over 2 months ago
39. Do you love where you live? Most of the time
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? One
41. Who is your loudest friend? Me! LOL. OK, my friend M in Tucson.
42. Who is your most silent friend? C
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Not that I know of. . .
44. Do you wish on shooting stars? Sometimes
45. What is your favorite book? Too many to choose one. To Kill a Mockingbird is way up there, so I'll say that, since MM recently told me it is his favorite.
46. What is your favorite candy? Godiva chocolate
47. Favorite Sports Team? Arizona Diamondbacks
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Hmmm. Don't know
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Watching comedian Robert Schimmel at the Tempe Improv
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Which time? I guess it doesn't matter, because I thought of having sex with MM every time I woke up this morning, actually. ;-)

Frankie say relax

212.2 (yikes!)

I am so glad it's Friday. I have felt very tired and drained most of this week, and I'm not quite sure why. Looking forward to relaxing and unwinding.

Shades of the old, pre-SL me have begun surfacing in my thoughts about my situation with MM. I am trying to be kind to myself and remember that I am doing something outside my 20-year norm with this relationship and that's bound to feel odd at times. . . . but I get frustrated with myself. Why can't I just relax and enjoy what is a great, problem-free arrangement?? Aargh!

Well, on the plus side, I still have my friends with whom I can talk about this. And they know I'm mental, so it's OK. ;-) In fact, I have been far more chill for far longer than any of them expected with MM. . . . based on my usual dating approach. Frankly, I have exceeded my own expectations in that regard, too.

I can't wait to see MM tomorrow night. I really love being with him. It's a little scary how much I like him, but I'm working through it. What's the worst that can happen? Things go south and I never see him again? I'll live. I am reminded of a line from a recent Maroon 5 song: "I've been here before; one day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore." Nothing will happen that I can't handle; therefore there is nothing to be afraid of.

I just have to remind myself that risk is inherent in living life. And right now no one is looking to change my (wonderful) status quo with MM.

Sebastian is going to stay with a coworker of mine for the weekend starting this afternoon. He will stay until mid-day on Sunday, provided he gets along with her dogs and everything goes well. This visit is his trial run prior to staying with her and her family for the six days I will be gone for Thanksgiving. I have no doubt it will go smoothly, but I didn't want to leave him there for the first time unless I knew I'd be around to go pick him up if things don't work out.

I'm going to miss my boy! I know my apartment will seem really empty without him. I'm going to be out tonight, and in the morning I'm going to get a haircut and highlights. I plan to nap in the afternoon because we are going to a 10:00 comedy show. Then MM is picking me up at 6:30-ish tomorrow. So I shouldn't be home alone much.

A quick aside: I'm wondering if I in some way offended my father during his recent visit. I have not heard anything from him this week. That is not unheard of, but I've noticed. I called this morning and left him a voicemail and have not heard back from him. Hmmm.

I think I am going to buy myself a new, good book to read this weekend. I could use a mental lift. My life is going great, but some escapism will do me good.

P.S. Just to be clear: there is absolutely not a single thing MM has done to make me get all weird about him. He has been as usual: we texted yesterday, and he called me in the evening for a brief chat (he's not much of a phone person). He said he plans to call me today, too. Our Saturday night is going on as planned. My feelings are all in my head and all about me. . . . not really about him.

Happy Birthday to Rowan!

211.0 (after breakfast, oops)

Before I write about anything else, I must commemorate a very special day in the life of our family. A year ago today, my adorable nephew Rowan was born. He is my parents' first grandchild and my first nephew. It is amazing how eventful his first year has been! (As with any baby, I suppose, but you always think your own are special. LOL) He is "cruising" and almost walking; vocalizing almost non-stop and can actually "Mama," "Daddy," and "bottle;" and has eight teeth.

It also goes without saying that he is adorable! ;-)

I called him this morning and sang him The Birthday Song. I could hear him laughing and babbling on the other end of the phone. . . . the little dude! I can't wait to see him in a couple of weeks.

I saw MM last night as planned and had fun. A nice mellow evening: we got a quick bite to eat at Fuddrucker's, then saw "Michael Clayton" (good movie). MM was tired and left right after seeing me safely into my place. Good, light conversation, lots of kissing and hugging. Just a nice, easy, relaxing time.

In regard to my meeting his parents Saturday. . . . when MM first picked me up last night, he said that he'd decided not to pick me up after getting them from the airport because he sensed that I didn't want to meet them. That was, in fact, incorrect, and I told him so. So now the plan is that he will pick me up on his way to the airport. (He assures me that they will not be freaked out when he shows up at the airport with me. LOL)

He asked me again right before leaving, too, if I was sure I wanted to meet them and assured me that I didn't have to if I didn't want to. He has gone out of his way to give the impression that this is not a big deal to him and that he doesn't care whether we meet. . . . but I wonder.

After we drop off his parents on Saturday night, we are going to a comedy show at the Tempe Improv (his idea/suggestion). It should be fun! First time we've done that together, and I've never been to the Tempe Improv.

MM also invited me to a Thanksgiving party at his work on the 20th (he is going to be dressed up as an elf!) and a holiday party with one of his friends from work right after Thanksgiving. So it sounds like he's planning on my being around. ;-)

I am really getting more and more attached to MM. I would be a little more freaked out about it if I didn't completely get the impression that the feeling is mutual. He is very affectionate with me--and not even in a sexual way--and, in spite of our "arrangement," talks about me and us in a way that lets me know that our relationship is important to him.

Aside from my "arrangement" with MM--which is going very well, in my opinion--life in general is good. I am quite busy now at work. It used to be a simple matter for me to think of my upcoming deadlines and assignments, but I have been assigned to so many new cases in the past three weeks that I now feel a bit scattered. Well, I know I'll manage things OK. It's just a mental adjustment to go from having too little work to do to having a lot to do.

No plans to do anything tonight. Tomorrow is my payday, and in my usual fashion, I have almost no money left in my checking account--and haven't had all week. (Savings? Ha! I have none.) Once my direct deposit hits my account early tomorrow morning, I will finally have some discretionary income once again. I hate this living paycheck to paycheck sh1t, but whatever. I'm making some progress on that front.

Friday night KC & I are going to have a late dinner together once she gets off work. That should be fun.

Complacent

?? (forgot to weigh)

I finally dragged my lazy a$$ out the door and went for a jog/walk this morning. Sebastian & I were out for just over 30 minutes. I'm proud of myself! Baby steps. . . .

Part of what inspired me was watching The Biggest Loser last night. Believe it or not, I'd never before watched an episode of that show. I only watched last night because I'd determined I would have a relaxing night and decided that vegging on the couch and watching TV would be more relaxing than surfing the internet or reading something intense.

The show didn't inspire me because of how hard the contestants worked or anything. No, it inspired me because I started thinking "Holy shit! If I don't get a handle on my weight, I could end as big as these people were when they started!" Several contestants were over 300 lbs, or close to that. I am already over 200 lbs and have been sitting comfortably over 200 for almost three years. When did I decide that being this big is OK? Ugh.

Eating enough veggies and avoiding unhealthful foods is a huge challenge for me, but exercising shouldn't be: I actually enjoy it once I just make myself get out there and do it.

I think of MM, too. He is not overweight at all--in fact, he can eat whatever crap he wants and never gain weight--and yet he works out 5 days a week. It's just a matter of getting in the habit.

I'm seeing MM tonight! He called yesterday just as I was leaving the office. We are going out on our usual mid-week date, dinner & a movie. I'm looking forward to seeing him!

And on that note I'll close. I need to tidy up and vacuum so the place will be presentable when MM comes to get me tonight.

Slug

211.2 (ugh)

I woke up this morning feeling kinda puny. Not really ill, just. . . . not right. I was mildly achy all over, I had a slight headache, and my eyes were itchy (still are, but now it's probably fatigue from looking at the computer screen most of the day).

After 3 Advil and a caffe mocha, I felt well enough to get on with my day. But obviously I (once again) didn't exercise this morning. It seems to be one excuse or another every day. Ah well.

I had every intention of hitting the hay early last night; I was tired. But then my friend D called, needing to talk about problems with her ex-husband. Yes, I'd vowed in my post yesterday to try to gain some psychic distance from friends whose drama is sucking the life force out of me. . . . but when I saw her come up on the caller ID a little after 9:00 p.m., I gave in and answered anyway. I ended up not getting off the phone and to bed until 11:50 last night. Whew. I actually talked very, very little--mostly just listened--and D cried a lot.

I might also add that I'd spent over an hour on the phone with KC earlier as well. We talked about MM for about 2/3 of that conversation, and she talked about her ex-with-whom-she-is-still-involved the other 1/3.

I know MM will call me tonight--he told me so yesterday via text--but other than him, I am talking to no one else tonight! I just need to chill out. . . . and go to bed early.

Eating today has been sub-par again, too. I had a bran muffin & a caffe mocha for breakfast (but today's caffe mocha was medicinal, LOL); a McDonald's chicken sandwich and Goldfish crackers for lunch; and who-knows-what-yet for dinner. (sigh)

Quick thought

As I have mentioned on this blog before, I am blessed to have many wonderful friends. I pride myself on my ability to stay in touch with people I care about, to nurture the friendship bond, and to be a good friend and offer help/advice/a listening ear when I can. The road certainly runs both ways when it comes to being a friend: many of my closest friends have put up with me during times when many lesser folks would have walked away.

Having said that. . . I am feeling drained lately from the drama in the lives of some of my friends, and I feel guilty about it! I genuinely want to listen and offer advice and support where I can. On the other hand, I only have so much mental and emotional energy to spend. How many times must I listen to the same ol', same ol' about an ex, or listen to someone describe to me how she has (once again) made a poor choice in her love life? Must I be always available, or is there a point at which it's OK for me to say "enough"?

I'm conflicted about this because, God knows, there are friends of mine who have really put up with listening to a lot of B.S. from crazy S, especially in the love life arena. (Ironically, not the same friends who are now making me feel annoyed and burdened.) I'm feeling, though, like I need some psychic distance from a few folks in my life.