Thursday, November 15, 2007

I'm over it!

I have absolutely zero motivation to exercise lately. I know, I know: motivation is crap, and I should just give myself a good kick in the a$$ and do it anyway. Maybe next week. ;-)
My eating has been so-so. Not eating a lot, but I haven't been eating enough veggies, I've been eating some fatty foods, and I've had a piece of chocolate cake the last two days (damn the office birthday celebration!). A salad is likely in order for today's lunch, just to get some veggies in.
Today is a weird weather day here. It's usually always sunny (& often warm/hot) here, but today is overcast and hazy. I am dressed inappropriately for the weather because I dressed for what it was yesterday without checking the forecast. Ah well.
I enjoyed seeing MM last night, as always. (When have I ever not enjoyed being with him??) We had our planned dinner at Red Lobster, followed by a short trip to Best Buy so he could pick the latest Foo Fighters CD. He stopped up to my place briefly, but didn't stay long because his allergies were already bothering him and being around Sebastian didn't help.
The only noteworthy event of the evening: I unintentionally hurt his feelings at the tail end of dinner. I think I jinxed myself yesterday when I told my friend M that MM hadn't mentioned SL since I told him how/why we broke up. I don't want to go into great detail about what upset MM; suffice it to say that he asked if I still had feelings for SL and didn't totally believe me when I said I am over it and I don't.
It was nothing that MM said that let me know he was upset; it was more his body language and the expression on his face. (Side note: I am getting to know him well, no?) In fact, he *said* that if I did still have feelings for SL it would be OK and understandable. . . . but I know that's not how he felt.
What I wanted to say to MM--and didn't--was that I KNOW I am completely over SL in part because, if I weren't, I couldn't have the feelings I have for him. I am very much a one-man woman; always have been. I was over SL before I ever met MM, but falling for MM has shown me how very, very over SL I am.
A couple of friends have asked why I don't just tell MM about my feelings. I will admit that a small part of me is just afraid to put myself out there: what if he doesn't feel the same? what if I get hurt? But the main reason is that I am very content with my relationship with MM, just as it is. I don't want to do or say anything to disturb the status quo. . . . and I feel that, no matter how I approach it, telling MM that I am falling in love with him will change things.
I'm not entirely sure how it would change things, but I could hazard a few guesses. Either he wouldn't feel the same, in which case it would likely lead to awkwardness or the end of the relationship, or he *would* feel the same and would feel compelled to "move things forward" in some way. Or just putting that out there will cause MM to feel pressured or weird in some way, and that will adversely affect our relationship. Let's face it: clearly the guy has some hang-ups about commitment. He is 34, has never married, and has purposely sought out an arrangement with me where we are not girlfriend/boyfriend.
At this point, I really cannot see that much can be gained from my telling him about my feelings. I try to make it clear to him in every way short of actually saying the words aloud. I am just going to leave well enough alone (for the first time in my life).
We talked a lot last night about our planned trip to Vegas. We are both excited about it. MM and I are eerily similar in our thinking about some things; I think we both see this trip as not only a fun adventure, but another step/test in our relationship.
BTW. . . MM called me five minutes after he left my house because he forgot to tell me a joke. . . then called me again when he got home 25 minutes later with another joke. C'mon: the guy is into me. . . . ;-)
We are going hiking on Saturday afternoon and will spend the evening and the night together. (I've got to go to Tucson early Sunday morning.) And he is taking me to the airport next Wednesday when I leave for DC.
OK, enough about MM! No sense in creating drama where there is none. I know my remarks about SL upset him briefly, but I also know that he knows that I'm not going anywhere. I have to believe that this is enough for now.
And I have nothing else to report. . . .