Hump Day already

213.0 (yikes)

The only thing I can figure about my weight going up 0.4 lbs in one day is that I was dehydrated yesterday morning when I weighed. . . . which is entirely possible, given that I had been traveling the previous day. Now I now I am well-hydrated, after drinking nearly 3 liters of water over the course of yesterday, and I also didn't eat poorly yesterday.

I was exhausted this morning when my alarm went off at 5:30. I reset it to 6:30, then turned it off at 6:30 instead of hitting snooze. I slept until 7:30. (I went to bed a little after 9:30.) Now that I'm finally up and awake, I feel refreshed, so I guess I needed that extra sleep.

I'm having a bowl of delicious Kashi Go Lean Crunch as I type this.

MM called last night. (He'd also text'd again yesterday afternoon to suggest we meet for dinner on Thursday.) We didn't talk long--less than 15 minutes--but it was good to hear from him. Up until a couple of weeks ago, he never called just to chat, but now he does so pretty regularly. I don't mind at all; I like hearing from him.

I got a little bit of cleaning and laundry done last night, though not nearly the amount I had hoped. Well, today is a new day.

Work is busy. I have a lot that I need to get done this week. I may end up working either Saturday or Sunday to get it all completed by next Monday; we'll see.

Not much else to tell. I ordered a few Christmas gifts from amazon.com yesterday and still have a few more left to buy. MM and I are going shopping on Saturday, so maybe I can finish then.

Back to my life

212.6

I have to say that, given my lack of exercise over the past few weeks, coupled with my horrendous eating over the past several days while on vacation, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the above number on the scale. Granted, it is pretty close to what I weighed when I started Weight Watchers back in 2003 (212.2 was my start weight then), but looking at it from my current perspective, I'll take it.

After my weeks of relative inactivity and my past week or so of crappy eating, I've been feeling like a slug. So when I got home from MM's this morning around 6:00 a.m., I walked on the treadmill for about 25 minutes. (I'd hoped to jog half the time, but ended up just walking at 3.8 mph instead because I was tired.) Today I've been drinking lots of water--I'm partway through my 2nd liter of the day--and I had a healthy salad for lunch. I intend to stop by Trader Joe's on the way home to pick up some food, since I have basically nothing at home, so while I'm there, I'll get something relatively healthful for dinner, too.

Had a nice evening with MM last night. We just grabbed dinner at Red Robin, then hung out at his place and watched some TV. (And had lots of sex. LOL I lost count after the 5th or 6th time.) I was EXHAUSTED. I ended up spending the night there, simply because I was too wiped out to drive home before it even got to be 10:00. MM commented at dinner that I was not my "usual bubbly self." He said he'd wondered if I was subdued because I was upset with him, until I explained that I was just hella tired. The traffic was not quite as bad on the drive home because I left 30 minutes earlier than last time; I'm glad I spent the night with him.

It was really great being with MM again. I don't have doubts about him or us when we are together. He must've told me 5-6 times that he missed me and that he was glad I was back, and he was extra-affectionate: he spent hours holding me in his arms and kissing my hair & forehead. He called me "my girl" and "my buddy" and obviously was just generally glad to be with me. Seems crazy to me that he would consider giving this up. . . .

He already text'd me as soon as he got to work this morning to see how my drive home was this morning. So things seem to be status quo between us. We'll see.

Sebastian was happy to see me. He was confused to be at MM's, and he had to sleep outside the bedroom, which did not make him happy. When I last saw him before I left for work this morning, he was curled up on my couch with his head on the arm; he didn't even raise his head as I walked out the door, he was so tired.

My agenda for the rest of today is to keep cranking out some assignments here at work until about 6:00 and spend the evening doing laundry and cleaning up. I have a crapload of stuff to do, at work and at home.

Still, it's good to be back.

Gratitude

(Written on my laptop on the plane)

Back in 1998, I read a quote from a speech of Oprah Winfrey's in Reader’s Digest (of all places) that inspired me to begin keeping a gratitude journal. Here's her quote:

Keep a grateful journal. Every night, list five things that happened this day that you are grateful for. What it will being to do is change your perspective of your day and your life. If you can learn to focus on what you have, you will always see that the universe is abundant; you will have more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never have enough.

I have read the same or similar suggestions from several other sources since. For a few months in late 1998 and into early 1999, I wrote regularly in my gratitude journal. . . . if not every night, then at least 3-4 nights a week on average. I adapted it to three things a day, finding five too difficult sometimes. Considering my lack of self-discipline, that is pretty good for me.

Lately I have begun thinking that I need to resume this habit. Finding three things each day for which I was thankful was sometimes easy, sometimes difficult, but always seemed to give me a greater appreciation of that day.

It is so easy to live our lives looking forward, to how things will be, and back, to how they were, or how we wish they had been. I want to be fully present in the here-and-now, and I’ve found that keeping the gratitude journal was a good way for me to do this. . . . in addition to the reasons that Oprah suggests.

I doubt I will post my gratitude journal entries here, as many of them are quite cheesy and personal. I might throw in an occasional one to spice things up, but for me, this exercise seems to work best if I keep my thoughts private and actually write them out by hand in a pretty little book just before I go to sleep.

In that spirit, and in the spirit of the recently-concluded Thanksgiving Day holiday, here are a few things for which I am grateful:

*My nephew Rowan. Being an aunt is way cool: all of the fun of being with a baby and none of the responsibility of being a parent. It’s neat to see Rowan’s different characteristics, especially the ones that seem to come from our side of the family. He is in that wonderful phase where he is exploring his world using all his senses. You can almost sense all that he is learning from his observations.

*The airplane. I have to admit, I don’t like flying much. . . . not because I fear it (I don’t at all), but because it is a hassle and very tiring. Plus it makes me feel faintly nauseated. However, inconveniences aside, it is such a quick way to travel. It would be next-to-impossible for me to visit my sister and nephew without the airplane; 3000+ miles is just too far for someone who only gets two weeks a year of vacation to travel for a visit.

*My sister. As a child, I sometimes wished I didn’t have siblings. (Don’t all kids, in their own selfishness, wish this? Especially first-borns?) At least since college, I have been very grateful to have my sister. Our relationship is fairly close, especially considering that we have not lived within 3000 miles of one another since graduating from college in 1994. It is a wonderful thing to have someone you can talk with who has known you almost all your (& all her) life; who knows your crazy family, because she’s a part of it; and who is someone you would choose as a friend if she weren’t already your sister.

I could probably post more, but that’ll be my three for today. :)

Not wholly looking forward to getting home. I have a couple of things I must accomplish today at work before 5:00, and I’m a little stressed about that. Best case scenario, I will likely not arrive at the office before 1:00 or so. (Not much point in worrying about it at the moment, however: I am stuck on the plane and can’t make it arrive any faster than its schedule arrival.)

In addition to the crap I have to face at work, I left my apartment a mess before I left. It really sucks to come home to a messy, disorganized home. You’d think I’d have thought of this before I left, but nope. In fairness to myself . . . . I did think of it, but work and spending time with MM took precedence over the two hours or so it would have taken to set things to rights in my apartment. I can’t really say that my priorities were out of whack there. :)

Add to all this the fact that I am really tired. I got up at 2:30 a.m. Arizona time this morning, after going to sleep at around 9:00 p.m. Arizona time. I need my eight hours of sleep to function optimally. . . . more when I am stressed, physically, mentally or emotionally. Travel is stressful for my body, at least, so between that stress and my relative lack of sleep, I will probably sleep like a baby tonight.

I *am* looking forward to seeing Sebastian and MM. Yes, in that order. LOL I have talked to MM once and texted him a few times since I left, while I have had zero contact with Sebastian (obviously). Plus, Sebastian has never told me that he’s thinking of ending things with me, for any reason. tee hee

I am planning to leave work at 6:30 today and drive out to my friend’s house to pick Sebastian up. We will then stop at MM’s on our way home; MM told me before I left (& again on the phone Saturday) that he wants to see me tonight. Poor Sebastian will have to be sequestered in one of the upstairs bedrooms so that MM’s allergies don’t act up, but I do want to see MM.

I thought that this trip and my time away from MM might give me a needed opportunity to think clearly about him and our situation. I think what I realized is that I’ve had clarity all along. No new revelations came to me, and my perspective hasn’t changed. My feelings for him are still as strong as ever. My doubts about the relationship have not increased or diminished.

I am more than a little hurt (& a little resentful) that, by sharing his feelings with me, MM has put me in the position of worrying about what’s going to happen between us. I have been so proud of myself for having been mostly serene about “where this is going.” Though it may not seem so from reading this blog, I have never been so relaxed & Zen about a relationship before. . . . particularly not one where I really care about the man.

My sister thinks that I am silly to worry about his breaking up with me. Her belief is that, were he genuinely planning to do so, he’d have just done it and not talked with me about it and his feelings. And she may be right . . . . but I am now unable to completely silence the little voice of doubt in my head. Before our conversation of 11/18, that voice was either absent, or so quiet that it was easily ignored.

Damn him for taking our nice, easy, casual relationship and making it stressful for me! :)

Anyway. . . . I just need to let it go and let whatever is going to happen, happen. I am not going to positively affect anything by worrying and obsessing over it.

Damn US Airways!

I am so fucking pissed off at US Airways right now! I booked my travel for today way back in August. A few weeks after booking a lovely, nonstop, direct flight from Phoenix to Dulles, I got an email letting me know that the airline had cancelled said flight. I was then changed to the flight I am currently scheduled to take: a flight to Dulles with a change of planes in Charlotte.

I was perplexed as to why an airline would cancel a direct flight between two major U.S. cities on the busiest travel day of the air and more than a little annoyed, but because I had no alternative--a refund was not an option--I had to change the flight.

I arrived at the airport today 2 hours ahead of my scheduled flight. . . . in plenty of time. Early, even. As soon as I did the electronic check-in, I got a message saying that my flight had "no available seats." WTF???!!

I proceeded to the gate, as instructed, to be told that my flight is oversold and that I may get bumped to a later flight. The major problem with that plan is that I have a connection in Charlotte that I will miss if I take a later flight. . . . and the next flight from Charlotte to Dulles will not get me in until over 2 hours later. And that flight is the last one to Dulles tonight.

I am so frickin' pissed. I knew that something like this was going to happen. I have gone from a nice, stress-free direct flight getting in before 7:30 p.m. to not knowing if I will be at my sister's house before 11/22. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Damn whoever decided that overselling this flight was a good idea! And damn the dickhead who cancelled my original direct flight. I stopped flying US Airways for five years when they were still America West because they dicked me over on a flight to Vegas on my 26th birthday. Looks like I should start boycotting them again.

(Though MM and I are flying US Airways to Vegas next month. . . . . )

Happy fuckin' Thanksgiving. . . . .

Happy Turkey Day

211.0

Just a brief entry to say that I am leaving town in a few hours for the Thanksgiving holiday. Looking forward to seeing my sister & nephew; decidedly NOT looking forward to flying today. (sigh)

Things with MM are status quo. I doubt he will end things while I am gone. We have already made plans to get together when I return on Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just when I think things are going well. . . .

209.4

As usual, when I have a genuine concern/problem, I am reluctant to blog about it. I do want to say that some things came up between MM and me this weekend that were unexpected.

I thought things were progressing quite well between us--that we were enjoying each other's company and developing feelings for one another--and while these things are also true, we may not be together much longer, depending on circumstances. It's a bit of a weird thing to have the man you are seeing tell you that he loves you, thinks you are perfect for him, and can see a real relationship with you. . . . only to have him also tell you in the same discussion that he is not sure if he can continue to date you. (sigh)

Anyway. . . . I am not particularly trying to be cryptic. I'm just too worn-out to explain the whole situation here. Because of the talk we had last night, I didn't get much sleep: I ended up staying at his place, not going to sleep until after 1:00, then getting up at 5:30 to drive home. (Side note: there was already an insane amount of traffic on the freeways at 6:00 a.m. Never again will I spend the night at his place on a weeknight, no matter the inducement.)

In addition to being emotional and sleep-deprived, I am hella busy at work today. Typical Monday, plus I had a deposition in the morning, and one of the partners is gearing up for a trial next week. Couple all that with the fact that I am trying to tie up loose ends to leave town on Wednesday, and it's not been a particularly pleasant day. Ah well.

It never ceases to amaze me how bad my timing is. If MM had told me two weeks ago the things he told me yesterday, I would have pulled back from him and probably avoided a lot of (potential) hurt feelings. Instead, he gave me every indication that he was happy with the way things were going and that he was falling for me, too. So I let myself be open to that possibility and let myself get attached. Now look where I am.

I don't know what will happen. At this point, everything after this week is a question mark. I know I am seeing him tomorrow night, and I know he is still taking me to the airport on Wednesday; beyond that, who knows.

Well, whatever happens, this, too, shall pass. Hard to maintain a healthy perspective on 4 hours' sleep, though.

Gotta get back to work . . . . .

Humph

(didn't weigh)

I have mentioned here before that I have a temper and that I hate having a temper. My temper reared its head last night when a significant maintenance issue in my apartment was not addressed. (In fact, said issue has still not been addressed. . . . but anyway.)

The only truly noteworthy thing about my having lost my temper is that MM happened to call me (back) not 5 minutes after I'd lost it. So he got to experience, at least second-hand and over the phone, the true S wrath for the first time.

Not sure how good a thing that is, but hey. . . . the guy was gonna see it eventually anyway. At least this way, his first experience with my temper was when it was directed at someone other than him. I think that part is good, at least.

MM and I were actually on the phone last night for almost an hour and a half, by far our longest phone conversation yet. We really didn't talk about anything major: just chatted, once he'd talked me down. LOL

About 10 minutes before we hung up--by now it was about 9:30--his landline rang and it was his ex-girlfriend with whom he is still on friendly terms. WTF was she doing calling him at 9:30 on a Friday night?! I know he is not into her, or they'd still be together, and he has been very open about the fact that they are still casual friends. . . . but I don't like that she feels that she can call him at 9:30 p.m. on a Friday. Humph.

Anyway. . . . to his credit, he told her he couldn't talk because he was on the phone with me and didn't immediately end our call to call her back. I don't genuinely feel threatened. . . . more annoyed with her. Which is a bit ridiculous, as she is a total stranger to me. LOL

MM is coming to get me at 3:00; we are going hiking. I'm looking forward to it! Haven't been on a hike in quite some time. We are, of course, spending the evening and night together as well. ;-)

Aside from my frickin' backed-up kitchen sink and MM, there's not much else to share.

I'm over it!

211.0

I have absolutely zero motivation to exercise lately. I know, I know: motivation is crap, and I should just give myself a good kick in the a$$ and do it anyway. Maybe next week. ;-)

My eating has been so-so. Not eating a lot, but I haven't been eating enough veggies, I've been eating some fatty foods, and I've had a piece of chocolate cake the last two days (damn the office birthday celebration!). A salad is likely in order for today's lunch, just to get some veggies in.

Today is a weird weather day here. It's usually always sunny (& often warm/hot) here, but today is overcast and hazy. I am dressed inappropriately for the weather because I dressed for what it was yesterday without checking the forecast. Ah well.

I enjoyed seeing MM last night, as always. (When have I ever not enjoyed being with him??) We had our planned dinner at Red Lobster, followed by a short trip to Best Buy so he could pick the latest Foo Fighters CD. He stopped up to my place briefly, but didn't stay long because his allergies were already bothering him and being around Sebastian didn't help.

The only noteworthy event of the evening: I unintentionally hurt his feelings at the tail end of dinner. I think I jinxed myself yesterday when I told my friend M that MM hadn't mentioned SL since I told him how/why we broke up. I don't want to go into great detail about what upset MM; suffice it to say that he asked if I still had feelings for SL and didn't totally believe me when I said I am over it and I don't.

It was nothing that MM said that let me know he was upset; it was more his body language and the expression on his face. (Side note: I am getting to know him well, no?) In fact, he *said* that if I did still have feelings for SL it would be OK and understandable. . . . but I know that's not how he felt.

What I wanted to say to MM--and didn't--was that I KNOW I am completely over SL in part because, if I weren't, I couldn't have the feelings I have for him. I am very much a one-man woman; always have been. I was over SL before I ever met MM, but falling for MM has shown me how very, very over SL I am.

A couple of friends have asked why I don't just tell MM about my feelings. I will admit that a small part of me is just afraid to put myself out there: what if he doesn't feel the same? what if I get hurt? But the main reason is that I am very content with my relationship with MM, just as it is. I don't want to do or say anything to disturb the status quo. . . . and I feel that, no matter how I approach it, telling MM that I am falling in love with him will change things.

I'm not entirely sure how it would change things, but I could hazard a few guesses. Either he wouldn't feel the same, in which case it would likely lead to awkwardness or the end of the relationship, or he *would* feel the same and would feel compelled to "move things forward" in some way. Or just putting that out there will cause MM to feel pressured or weird in some way, and that will adversely affect our relationship. Let's face it: clearly the guy has some hang-ups about commitment. He is 34, has never married, and has purposely sought out an arrangement with me where we are not girlfriend/boyfriend.

At this point, I really cannot see that much can be gained from my telling him about my feelings. I try to make it clear to him in every way short of actually saying the words aloud. I am just going to leave well enough alone (for the first time in my life).

We talked a lot last night about our planned trip to Vegas. We are both excited about it. MM and I are eerily similar in our thinking about some things; I think we both see this trip as not only a fun adventure, but another step/test in our relationship.

BTW. . . MM called me five minutes after he left my house because he forgot to tell me a joke. . . then called me again when he got home 25 minutes later with another joke. C'mon: the guy is into me. . . . ;-)
We are going hiking on Saturday afternoon and will spend the evening and the night together. (I've got to go to Tucson early Sunday morning.) And he is taking me to the airport next Wednesday when I leave for DC.

OK, enough about MM! No sense in creating drama where there is none. I know my remarks about SL upset him briefly, but I also know that he knows that I'm not going anywhere. I have to believe that this is enough for now.
And I have nothing else to report. . . .

Eh

209.6

I'm feeling kind of "eh" this evening. Fairly productive day at work, but lots of time spent reading and writing. It's definitely one of those days when I'm glad to come home to just Sebastian and not have to make conversation with anyone.

MM called a little while ago. Over the past couple of weeks, he has begun calling me more often. He's actually not a big phone person, which I frankly do not mind since I have so many long-distance friends to whom I talk regularly. Between my friends, my mom, my sister, and occasionally my dad, I spend PLENTY of time on the phone as it is.

So MM and I were on the phone for about a half hour tonight. . . . kind of a rare thing with him. Not only has he not always called daily (& still doesn't, not every day), but usually his calls are brief: 5-10 minutes tops. We had a very basic conversation. I'm "eh," as I said, and he was tired and (I could tell) stressed about work.

Well, that's day-to-day life, right? It's not all rainbows and lollipops. LOL

We are going to get together for dinner tomorrow night after work. I'm looking forward to being with him, as always. ;-)

Work was work. Not much more to say about that. I've got lots of irons in the fire at all times now. I still learn something new nearly every day. Sometimes I wonder when/if I will reach the point where I don't need to learn something new each day. LOL

I can't wait to see my nephew! I fly out for DC a week from tomorrow. I found out today from my sis that we will be spending the holiday at their North Carolina beach house, so that should be fun.

The Birthday Boy

Serenity now

209.6

I know my last post was cryptic. When I wrote it, I just wanted to admit the fact to the universe and therefore to myself. My feelings are not something I have as yet discussed explicitly with MM, and I don't have plans to do so in the immediate future. I don't feel as though I want to tell him yet. I just wanted to acknowledge it.

I had a wonderful weekend. Friday night I met KC for a quick dinner at Pei Wei after her shift, then just surfed the internet. Saturday was a full day. I got a haircut & highlights in the morning, then went to Borders and bought three new books--I used gift cards from my wedding shower in March, so the whole purchase only cost me a nickel of my own money. Both my trip to the salon and my books gave me a lift: I love my hairstylist and he does great work.

KC and I then met for lunch at a place called My Big Fat Greek Restaurant. It was my first time eating there, and it was delicious! The portions were huge, too, so I had enough leftovers for last night's dinner, too. After lunch, KC and I went shopping. I didn't overspend, so I was proud of myself.

Unfortunately, as we were shopping, I started getting a headache which had blossomed into a migraine by the time I made it home. I drugged up on Imitrex & ibuprofen and took a nap, then had to get up and start getting ready for MM to pick me up.

By the time MM arrived to get me for our date, my migraine had subsided some, but I still wasn't 100%. He mentioned at dinner that he'd noticed I was a lot quieter than usual; he'd assumed I was nervous about meeting his parents. When I told him that I was recovering from a migraine, I think he was relieved.

MM tried to reassure(?) me about meeting his parents by telling me that his mom hasn't liked any of his girlfriends, so it wouldn't matter to him if she didn't like me. OK. Come to find out. . . . I am only the third woman he has introduced to his parents. Wow. No pressure. ;-)

We went to the airport to pick the parents up, and they were exactly what I'd expected. The meeting went fine: we drove them home, brought their bags in and stayed about 10-15 minutes, then left for our comedy show. They certainly seemed to like me. They were very nice, typically Midwestern folk of their generation. No surprises.

We went to the Tempe Improv as planned and enjoyed the show. (MM actually enjoyed the opening act even more than the headliner, and I have to agree that he was very funny.) The show didn't end until almost 12:30, and then we still had to drive to MM's, so we didn't even get back to his place until after 1:00.

We went to bed as soon as we arrived home with the intention of going right to sleep. . . . but you know how that goes. ;-) Between chatting and what not, we ended up not going to sleep until after 4:00. We were awakened just after 7:00 by one of MM's probationers calling him. Ugh.

Neither of us really went back to sleep much after that phone call, and around 10:30, we finally gave up and got dressed. We got me a much-needed coffee, then went to lunch and to see "American Gangster" (an excellent movie). After the movie, we got an ice cream, then picked up Sebastian. MM drove us home, and that was our weekend.

MM and I agreed yesterday to take a trip to Vegas together next month. He booked our flight and a room at New York/New York last night. We're psyched!

One last note re MM: there was no significant event, no "aha!" moment, that made my realize that I am in love with him. Rather, it was a realization that has been a while coming that I made after having spent about 22 straight hours with him. I am in a very comfortable and serene place about us at the moment. I hope this lasts! ;-)

Sebastian was exhausted after being at my coworker's all weekend. By all accounts, he had a great time and fit in wonderfully. They are looking forward to having him back for Thanksgiving.

And that was my weekend! After MM dropped us off, I played on the computer and just generally relaxed, while exchanging calls, emails, & texts with MM re our Vegas trip plans. And I had a nice conversation with my friend C in Tucson about her match.com experiences thus far.

Back to work today. No holiday off for me!

I think I am in love with MM

That is all.

Stolen from another blog. . . .

Much as I enjoy my usual boring daily posts about my relationships and mental status, I thought I'd mix it up today. ;-)

1. Do you like cheese? I love it! One of my favorite foods.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Hell no! I have never done drugs of any type and never would.
3. Do you own a gun? No.
4. Your favorite song? Too many I love to pick one favorite; my current fave is Paralyzer by Finger Eleven
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like 'em when I'm in the mood for them, especially at baseball games.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Angels We Have Heard on High. P.S. I hate secular holiday songs.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Starbucks caffe mocha
9. Can you do push ups? Yeah, about 20 real ones, 30 "girl" ones
10. Is your bathroom clean? Relatively ;-)
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My faux pearl Edwardian-style ring; I call it my un-engagement ring because I bought it for that finger after I broke my engagement and returned the ring
12. Favorite Hobby? Hiking
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Don't think I have one. Breasts aren't really consider a "secret weapon"
14. Do you have A.D.D.? No.
15. What is one trait you hate about yourself? My temper
16. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. (1) I'm so tired of hearing about my friend's ex-husband! (2) I'm totally into MM (3) Should I eat??
17. ??
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought: All purchased yesterday: a shower caddy, a shirt for my nephew and panties from Old Navy
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: water, coffee, Dr Pepper
20. Current worry right now? Getting all my work done by the applicable deadlines
21. Current hate? "Crank Dat" by Soulja Boy! Just stick a sharp stick in my eye, why don't you?
22. Favorite place to be? On a tropical beach with a great book. . . . or in MM's arms :-)
23. How did you bring in the New Year? At a party watching my ex-fiance pass out drunk and fall to the floor just as the ball dropped
24. Where would you like to go? When? To heaven when I die; to DC to see my nephew and on a weekend trip to anywhere with MM soon; to Italy before I die
25. ??
26. Do you own slippers? Yes.
27. What shirt are you wearing? A blue T-shirt of MM's from Old Navy
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No; too slippery
29. Can you whistle? Yep.
30. Three favorite colors? Royal blue, green, and pastel blue
31. Would you be a pirate? No.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? You name it, I sing it
33. Favorite girl's name? Alexandra
34. Favorite boy's name? Robert
35. What's in your pocket right now? Nothing
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Something silly MM said
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Wizard of Oz
38. Worst injury you've ever had? I had a severe laceration to my left index finger requiring 7 stitches a little over 2 months ago
39. Do you love where you live? Most of the time
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? One
41. Who is your loudest friend? Me! LOL. OK, my friend M in Tucson.
42. Who is your most silent friend? C
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Not that I know of. . .
44. Do you wish on shooting stars? Sometimes
45. What is your favorite book? Too many to choose one. To Kill a Mockingbird is way up there, so I'll say that, since MM recently told me it is his favorite.
46. What is your favorite candy? Godiva chocolate
47. Favorite Sports Team? Arizona Diamondbacks
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Hmmm. Don't know
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Watching comedian Robert Schimmel at the Tempe Improv
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Which time? I guess it doesn't matter, because I thought of having sex with MM every time I woke up this morning, actually. ;-)

Frankie say relax

212.2 (yikes!)

I am so glad it's Friday. I have felt very tired and drained most of this week, and I'm not quite sure why. Looking forward to relaxing and unwinding.

Shades of the old, pre-SL me have begun surfacing in my thoughts about my situation with MM. I am trying to be kind to myself and remember that I am doing something outside my 20-year norm with this relationship and that's bound to feel odd at times. . . . but I get frustrated with myself. Why can't I just relax and enjoy what is a great, problem-free arrangement?? Aargh!

Well, on the plus side, I still have my friends with whom I can talk about this. And they know I'm mental, so it's OK. ;-) In fact, I have been far more chill for far longer than any of them expected with MM. . . . based on my usual dating approach. Frankly, I have exceeded my own expectations in that regard, too.

I can't wait to see MM tomorrow night. I really love being with him. It's a little scary how much I like him, but I'm working through it. What's the worst that can happen? Things go south and I never see him again? I'll live. I am reminded of a line from a recent Maroon 5 song: "I've been here before; one day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore." Nothing will happen that I can't handle; therefore there is nothing to be afraid of.

I just have to remind myself that risk is inherent in living life. And right now no one is looking to change my (wonderful) status quo with MM.

Sebastian is going to stay with a coworker of mine for the weekend starting this afternoon. He will stay until mid-day on Sunday, provided he gets along with her dogs and everything goes well. This visit is his trial run prior to staying with her and her family for the six days I will be gone for Thanksgiving. I have no doubt it will go smoothly, but I didn't want to leave him there for the first time unless I knew I'd be around to go pick him up if things don't work out.

I'm going to miss my boy! I know my apartment will seem really empty without him. I'm going to be out tonight, and in the morning I'm going to get a haircut and highlights. I plan to nap in the afternoon because we are going to a 10:00 comedy show. Then MM is picking me up at 6:30-ish tomorrow. So I shouldn't be home alone much.

A quick aside: I'm wondering if I in some way offended my father during his recent visit. I have not heard anything from him this week. That is not unheard of, but I've noticed. I called this morning and left him a voicemail and have not heard back from him. Hmmm.

I think I am going to buy myself a new, good book to read this weekend. I could use a mental lift. My life is going great, but some escapism will do me good.

P.S. Just to be clear: there is absolutely not a single thing MM has done to make me get all weird about him. He has been as usual: we texted yesterday, and he called me in the evening for a brief chat (he's not much of a phone person). He said he plans to call me today, too. Our Saturday night is going on as planned. My feelings are all in my head and all about me. . . . not really about him.

Happy Birthday to Rowan!

211.0 (after breakfast, oops)

Before I write about anything else, I must commemorate a very special day in the life of our family. A year ago today, my adorable nephew Rowan was born. He is my parents' first grandchild and my first nephew. It is amazing how eventful his first year has been! (As with any baby, I suppose, but you always think your own are special. LOL) He is "cruising" and almost walking; vocalizing almost non-stop and can actually "Mama," "Daddy," and "bottle;" and has eight teeth.

It also goes without saying that he is adorable! ;-)

I called him this morning and sang him The Birthday Song. I could hear him laughing and babbling on the other end of the phone. . . . the little dude! I can't wait to see him in a couple of weeks.

I saw MM last night as planned and had fun. A nice mellow evening: we got a quick bite to eat at Fuddrucker's, then saw "Michael Clayton" (good movie). MM was tired and left right after seeing me safely into my place. Good, light conversation, lots of kissing and hugging. Just a nice, easy, relaxing time.

In regard to my meeting his parents Saturday. . . . when MM first picked me up last night, he said that he'd decided not to pick me up after getting them from the airport because he sensed that I didn't want to meet them. That was, in fact, incorrect, and I told him so. So now the plan is that he will pick me up on his way to the airport. (He assures me that they will not be freaked out when he shows up at the airport with me. LOL)

He asked me again right before leaving, too, if I was sure I wanted to meet them and assured me that I didn't have to if I didn't want to. He has gone out of his way to give the impression that this is not a big deal to him and that he doesn't care whether we meet. . . . but I wonder.

After we drop off his parents on Saturday night, we are going to a comedy show at the Tempe Improv (his idea/suggestion). It should be fun! First time we've done that together, and I've never been to the Tempe Improv.

MM also invited me to a Thanksgiving party at his work on the 20th (he is going to be dressed up as an elf!) and a holiday party with one of his friends from work right after Thanksgiving. So it sounds like he's planning on my being around. ;-)

I am really getting more and more attached to MM. I would be a little more freaked out about it if I didn't completely get the impression that the feeling is mutual. He is very affectionate with me--and not even in a sexual way--and, in spite of our "arrangement," talks about me and us in a way that lets me know that our relationship is important to him.

Aside from my "arrangement" with MM--which is going very well, in my opinion--life in general is good. I am quite busy now at work. It used to be a simple matter for me to think of my upcoming deadlines and assignments, but I have been assigned to so many new cases in the past three weeks that I now feel a bit scattered. Well, I know I'll manage things OK. It's just a mental adjustment to go from having too little work to do to having a lot to do.

No plans to do anything tonight. Tomorrow is my payday, and in my usual fashion, I have almost no money left in my checking account--and haven't had all week. (Savings? Ha! I have none.) Once my direct deposit hits my account early tomorrow morning, I will finally have some discretionary income once again. I hate this living paycheck to paycheck sh1t, but whatever. I'm making some progress on that front.

Friday night KC & I are going to have a late dinner together once she gets off work. That should be fun.

Complacent

?? (forgot to weigh)

I finally dragged my lazy a$$ out the door and went for a jog/walk this morning. Sebastian & I were out for just over 30 minutes. I'm proud of myself! Baby steps. . . .

Part of what inspired me was watching The Biggest Loser last night. Believe it or not, I'd never before watched an episode of that show. I only watched last night because I'd determined I would have a relaxing night and decided that vegging on the couch and watching TV would be more relaxing than surfing the internet or reading something intense.

The show didn't inspire me because of how hard the contestants worked or anything. No, it inspired me because I started thinking "Holy shit! If I don't get a handle on my weight, I could end as big as these people were when they started!" Several contestants were over 300 lbs, or close to that. I am already over 200 lbs and have been sitting comfortably over 200 for almost three years. When did I decide that being this big is OK? Ugh.

Eating enough veggies and avoiding unhealthful foods is a huge challenge for me, but exercising shouldn't be: I actually enjoy it once I just make myself get out there and do it.

I think of MM, too. He is not overweight at all--in fact, he can eat whatever crap he wants and never gain weight--and yet he works out 5 days a week. It's just a matter of getting in the habit.

I'm seeing MM tonight! He called yesterday just as I was leaving the office. We are going out on our usual mid-week date, dinner & a movie. I'm looking forward to seeing him!

And on that note I'll close. I need to tidy up and vacuum so the place will be presentable when MM comes to get me tonight.

Slug

211.2 (ugh)

I woke up this morning feeling kinda puny. Not really ill, just. . . . not right. I was mildly achy all over, I had a slight headache, and my eyes were itchy (still are, but now it's probably fatigue from looking at the computer screen most of the day).

After 3 Advil and a caffe mocha, I felt well enough to get on with my day. But obviously I (once again) didn't exercise this morning. It seems to be one excuse or another every day. Ah well.

I had every intention of hitting the hay early last night; I was tired. But then my friend D called, needing to talk about problems with her ex-husband. Yes, I'd vowed in my post yesterday to try to gain some psychic distance from friends whose drama is sucking the life force out of me. . . . but when I saw her come up on the caller ID a little after 9:00 p.m., I gave in and answered anyway. I ended up not getting off the phone and to bed until 11:50 last night. Whew. I actually talked very, very little--mostly just listened--and D cried a lot.

I might also add that I'd spent over an hour on the phone with KC earlier as well. We talked about MM for about 2/3 of that conversation, and she talked about her ex-with-whom-she-is-still-involved the other 1/3.

I know MM will call me tonight--he told me so yesterday via text--but other than him, I am talking to no one else tonight! I just need to chill out. . . . and go to bed early.

Eating today has been sub-par again, too. I had a bran muffin & a caffe mocha for breakfast (but today's caffe mocha was medicinal, LOL); a McDonald's chicken sandwich and Goldfish crackers for lunch; and who-knows-what-yet for dinner. (sigh)

Quick thought

As I have mentioned on this blog before, I am blessed to have many wonderful friends. I pride myself on my ability to stay in touch with people I care about, to nurture the friendship bond, and to be a good friend and offer help/advice/a listening ear when I can. The road certainly runs both ways when it comes to being a friend: many of my closest friends have put up with me during times when many lesser folks would have walked away.

Having said that. . . I am feeling drained lately from the drama in the lives of some of my friends, and I feel guilty about it! I genuinely want to listen and offer advice and support where I can. On the other hand, I only have so much mental and emotional energy to spend. How many times must I listen to the same ol', same ol' about an ex, or listen to someone describe to me how she has (once again) made a poor choice in her love life? Must I be always available, or is there a point at which it's OK for me to say "enough"?

I'm conflicted about this because, God knows, there are friends of mine who have really put up with listening to a lot of B.S. from crazy S, especially in the love life arena. (Ironically, not the same friends who are now making me feel annoyed and burdened.) I'm feeling, though, like I need some psychic distance from a few folks in my life.

Off to a not-so-great start

209.2 (at least I'm under 210. . . . )

Already today I have not started out with the best eating choice. When I stopped to get my usual iced Caffe Mocha at Starbucks, I also got a bacon & egg breakfast sandwich. It was yummy, but not a very healthy choice, and now I feel stuffed. Ah well. It's early in the day, and I can make a better choice at lunch.

I had a wonderful time with MM yesterday. I got to his place a little after 3:00 and stayed until almost 11:00. (I'd planned to leave at 10:00, but he wanted me to stay and watch "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO with him.) Actually, even when the show ended, he didn't want me to leave. . . . he hid my purse and tried to be funny and hold me down on the couch so I couldn't leave. LOL

The first few hours, we just hung out watching TV, then had a little sex. Then we had dinner at the Olive Garden, followed by more sex, a movie at his place, and TV. A good, relaxing time. There are few things I enjoy more currently than lying on MM's couch watching TV, with his arms wrapped around me and him stroking my hair. :-)

I ended up talking to him after I got home a little bit about our feelings for each other. To make a long story short, we are both growing to care for each other. . . . at the same time, we are both happy with our current arrangement as is and are not looking to change it. So we have once again made a decision to maintain the status quo and keep getting to know each other and enjoying the relationship.

I may meet his parents this Saturday. They are flying in from Costa Rica at 7:00-ish on Saturday night, and he is picking them up from the airport. As we had planned to spend that night together, he's suggested that he stop by my place and pick me up on his way west from the airport. We'll see if the logistics work out; I would be interested to meet his folks, and I think it's interesting that he apparently wants me to meet them.

Not much else to tell!

One is out looking for the other one

?? (didn't weigh, parents here)

I just have not felt like blogging this week. I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps in part it's because I have been hella busy at work. I've spent so much time writing motions, mediation memoranda, and the like that I'm all "written out." LOL

One of my regularly-read bloggers (jessiferseabs.blogspot.com) has issued herself a weight loss challenge for November in which I am going to join. I plan to start tomorrow morning. I will:

*Journal what I eat and drink

*Continue to weigh daily and record my weight

*Drink 3 L of water daily

*Walk/jog at least three times a week (ideally, more)

*Hike at least twice this month

I definitely need a kick in the a$$, so hopefully doing this challenge will give me some much-needed motivation to get back on track (for the millionth time).

My dad & stepmom arrived Friday evening and just left about 9:45 this morning. It was a short visit, but it was good to see them. And they only mentioned my salvation once during the visit, so that wasn't too bad. ;-)

I feel a little bad because I stretched the truth a little with them. Dad & Stepmom asked if J and MM are Christians, and I said they are. . . . even though J completely rejects the Christian belief system (finding more resonance in eastern religions & meditation) and MM has said that organized religion is for people who are "too weak-minded to think for themselves." I did honestly say that both J and MM were raised Christian, and they were: J is a lapsed Catholic--like me--and MM grew up going to a Lutheran church regularly. I just didn't want to get into the whole religion issue with the parents. So tiresome.

I do not attend a church currently, but am perfectly OK with where I'm at in my relationship with God. One of the things I find most annoying about certain varieties of Christianity is the need its adherents feel to push their beliefs on others. I am fully aware of Jesus and the Bible, and have no need or desire to discuss my spirituality with my parents. In my opinion, they need to get over themselves and accept this. Anyway. . . . I know their intentions are pure, but it's still annoying.

We had a nice, mellow visit. We went out to dinner at Sweet Tomatoes Friday night when they arrived, then just hung out at home. Saturday morning, we went out for a late breakfast, then drove to a nearby outlet mall. (The parents love to shop.) Last night, we went for a nice, leisurely dinner at PF Chang's--yum!

This morning we just got a quick bagel and a coffee before they headed out to have lunch with friends in Tucson around noon. Just 38 hours together. . . 16 hours or so spent sleeping. ;-)

I'm going over to MM's at 3:00. I'm looking forward to seeing him! We were really glad when we realized on Thursday night's date that we'd be able to see each other today: usually he has dinner with his parents on Sundays, but they are in Costa Rica at the moment. Because he'd made no other plans for the afternoon/evening and my parents left early, we can hang out. Yea!

Oh, I never blogged about our Thursday night date (date #11--I'm gonna stop counting, I think). It was good. We had a quickie at my place, grabbed a bite at Chipotle, then saw "Gone Baby Gone." The movie was very intense and thought-provoking. MM and I actually had a difference of opinion about the way the main character handled a couple of moral dilemmas he faced in the movie. We ended up having a thoughtful discussion about our differing views. . . . no tempers rose, just a nice discourse. MM commented that it was refreshing for him to see a movie with someone who is actually capable of discussing it intelligently and in detail afterwards. Apparently he has dated a few women who "only had two brain cells." LOL

The more I'm with MM, the more I like him. He is really terrific. Well, to be more accurate. . . . he and I have a great time together and are quite compatible. He is a bit quirky, so I can see how he might not be every woman's cup of tea. But I dig him. :)

Work should prove to be busy again this week. I'm actually in the office right now; I'd hoped to get a jump on some projects I need to complete this week. But now that I'm here, I realize that I need information about the cases that I don't have and won't know where to access without discussing it with some of the staff. (sigh) Ah well.

Guess I'll go home and chill for a while instead. Gonna need all the relaxation I can get to face this week, I think.