If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?

212.2

I did something yesterday evening that was probably not very wise; I called SL.

I had been thinking of him quite a bit since Sunday when I saw The Simpsons movie with J, first because SL is the one who really got me into watching The Simpsons regularly, and also because the family relocates to Alaska, SL's home state. (There is even a reference to Nome, and SL used to always joke that after we got married, we were going to move to Nome.)

After work yesterday, I popped by the grocery store. For some reason, I was feeling really down and lonely. I suppose those feelings mostly stemmed from the fact that I am still adjusting to my life here in Phoenix; I've only lived here since Saturday, after all! My loneliness got me thinking more of SL, and I broke down and called him.

We talked for over 45 minutes on the phone and actually had a very good conversation on the whole. I was a bit bothered by the fact that he seems to be doing *better* without me in his life: he seems to be really enjoying work (& traveling a lot for it); he says he's lost 20 lbs; he claims he is drinking less; his financial situation is improved b/c his parents payed off his credit cards for him after we broke up (something I encouraged him to explore for almost 2 years).

By no means did I think that I'd made a mistake by ending things and wish we could get back together. At the same time, I'll admit that his lack of . . . suffering, for want of a better word. . . bugged me. I even said to him "it seems like everything is going better for you with me out of the picture." He responded by saying that our break-up had spurred him to work on some things he'd been putting off, "but I'm alone now; I don't have a girlfriend."

This is a petty feeling, and I do recognize that. But I am more than a little surprised and hurt that he seems to have gotten over our break-up just fine.

Well, one thing about this realization: it should absolve me from feeling any guilt for ending things with him. I have felt guilty, at times, for "abandoning" SL. Turns out he can get along just fine without me. Who knew? LOL

I had a good long talk on the phone w/J last night, too. Despite my stated resolution to just be friends with him, he had been almost constantly in my thoughts since Sunday. Talking with him actually makes me less obsessive about him, for some reason; I'm feeling like today will be a lot better than the last couple of days in terms of not thinking of him constantly. He is very busy this week with school and sounds a bit overwhelmed. We are going to try to go to a movie together this weekend, if he has time with his studying.

The more I think about the J situation, the more I think that he is NOT into me in a romantic way. . . . much as I might wish he were. To be sure, he likes me as a person and wants to be friends with me. . . good friends, not just casual friends. I don't think there is more to it than that, though. I think any perceptions I've had that there might be more to his interest than friendship are primarily my projecting my own feelings onto him. . . .and maybe a little bit of wishful thinking and dwelling on our past relationship. Let's face it: it's been over 14 years since we dated. I'm pretty sure he, at least, has moved on. LOL

In an attempt to clear my head, I hit the treadmill for 20 minutes yesterday evening. I had a good workout: I actually jogged for 5 of the 20 minutes and worked up a good sweat. I must say, exercise helps. I also got up this morning and walked Sebastian for 20 minutes again. I'm going to keep that up: he needs his exercise as much as I do.

Gotta get to work!