Tuesday, August 14, 2007


(no new weight since last post)
I could probably count on the fingers of both hands the number of times in my life I've had insomnia unrelated to a significant emotional trauma, like a death of someone close to me or a hard break-up. Right now is one of those few times. Ugh.

I have been lying in bed since after 11:00. . . . over an hour now, and I cannot for the life of me get to sleep! I'm tired--weary, really--just not drowsy. It's too weird. I've tried all the usual stuff: counting sheep, warm milk, reading. Nothing doing.

I know I am going to be wiped tomorrow, and I have to go to court in the morning for one of the partners. Ah well. I know I will struggle through, with the help of Starbucks, but this sucks! I can't imagine how mental I would get if I suffered with insomnia regularly. . . . sleep is SO important to me.
I got home late tonight--9:30-ish--because I had to go traffic school from 4:30 to 9:00. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be: I learned quite a bit, and the guy sitting next to me was funny. . . . we shared several chuckles & asides during the class. It helped the time pass. The primary focus of the class was being a more mindful driver and focusing on your driving. So, of course, I left the class and immediately got on my cell phone on the way home. LOL
I called J when the class ended because he had sent me a text shortly before class began that intrigued me and made me want to hear more. (It was related to some drama he has going on with a group school project.) J and I talked on the phone for an hour and a half tonight. First he vented about his school drama, but the bulk of our conversation was about the fact that he and A (his "ex"-girlfriend) had a long talk tonight re the possibility of their getting back together. Despite the long conversation we had about this, I still don't really have all the details. . . . he is a little reticent with me about the specifics of why they broke up in the first place (note: he claims it was not only because he moved out here). I don't get a sense that he is holding back on me, more that he is having some trouble articulating precisely what went down.
In the event, he clearly still cares about A (he never said the word "love," but did say there is "no one quite like" her) and is struggling over what he should do. In his words: "I don't like to make a decision". . . . and that is totally him: he has run most of his life by letting circumstances and other people decide for him.
I feel for him. These relationship decisions are never easy; God knows, I've been there. It's weird, given my obsession with him over the past 2+ months, but what I want more than anything is for him to make a decision he will be happy with. I'd be lying if I said I *want* them to get back together. . . . because that would be the absolute and final death knell to any and all hope I'd have of ever being in a romantic relationship with him myself. But I know that it won't kill me if they do--only mildly disappoint me--and that he and I will continue to be friends regardless. Does this mean I'm not really that into him? Who knows?
For me, this whole J situation has been confusing, confusing. Even from my blog entries, it's pretty clear that my feelings about J have been all over the map. . . . and those just tell a fraction of the story. My best friend KC told me frankly a little over a week ago that she was worried about me. . . . not because she thought J would (intentionally) hurt me, but just because I seemed so obsessed and yet unclear about my feelings. While obsession is in character for me, indecision and uncertainty is not.
The fortuity of all of this--J searching for me at a time when I really should have already been married, but then both J and I moving to the Phoenix area at the same time; both of us just ending long-term, serious relationships; and both still being single in our mid 30's--has long struck me as being more than a mere coincidence. . . . it's like our paths were fated to cross again. I guess my mistake has been first in thinking that there is a design to our reacquaintance after so many years. Following on the heels of that mistake is the next: that we've reunited to rekindle a romantic flame. Maybe the simplest explanation is that both of us need a friend right now. . . . someone with whom we already have a built-in comfort level, from shared history and that inexplicable affinity that has always existed between us. I certainly find him very easy to talk to--and it's different talking to a man than to my girlfriends, particularly this man--and I know he feels the same about me.
Anyway. . . . we are going to meet for dinner on Friday night. . . . at which time he will "fill in more of the details" (his words) for me re him and A so that I can give him my opinion of the situation. I laughingly told him that he may not want to hear my perspective. He remarked more than once during tonight's conversation that A and I are a lot alike in personality (at one point he said "I'll bet your profiles would be an exact match if we gave you the Myers-Briggs"), so anything I tell him will probably be pretty much like what he's already heard from her. LOL
Just rollin' with it! It is what it is. . . . don't I sound Zen-like? It must be J's philosophy rubbing off on me. . . . he's always talking about how he's into Eastern religion and philosophy. Acceptance of what *is* is always a good thing, no matter what your religion or philosopy, I say.