Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Suddenly I'm a waffler

In my personal life, once I mentally commit to a course of action, I generally stick with it. I can be indecisive and lacking commitment about things like eating better, exercising, and getting organized, but usually not in this arena. Hell, this is how and why things ended with SL: even though I knew that making his drinking an issue would likely lead to our breaking up, I stuck to my guns. For months, I was unrelenting. . . . until finally we had our relationship-ending fight. I gave up my chance at marriage and children and everything about my life with him because I refused to compromise my principles.
One thing on which I pride myself is having the courage of my convictions. I have said several times to friends--most recently to J himself on Friday last--that "once I know what is right, I do it, even if it's hard for me." I believe that the only way to live with integrity is to at least make my own conduct conform to my idea of what it should be.
So what is it about J that seems to bring out the waffler in me? I am very grateful right now that he is still in love with A and contemplating getting back together with her. . . . because if he were interested in me right now, I fear I'd walk through that door. . . . even though it's one that I believe wholeheartedly should be firmly shut. And triple deadbolt-locked. With maybe some heavy furniture shoved up against it.
I really want to continue my friendship with him, so I hope that he and A do get back together. If they do, then that door that leads to a romantic relationship with him is one I will never be able to walk through. And that is absolutely the best possible thing for me. Despite my undeniable feelings for him, I know without a doubt that going there would be one of the most foolish decisions I could ever make. But why doesn't this knowledge make me stop wanting it?
KC and I just had dinner and spent the whole time talking about this. Frankly, she is more than a little surprised that I would even contemplate going there, in light of what I now know about him (coupled, of course, with what I already knew about him from firsthand experience). More, though, I think she is worried that so long as I leave that door ajar, the day may come when he will beckon me to walk through it. As my friend, she doesn't want to see me hurt. . . . and I certainly would be if I chose that path.
Maybe I just need some more time to wrap my mind around all this new information. I have had to undergo a complete paradigm shift in regard to J over the past four days. The blessing for me, in his continued pursuit of his "ex," is that he clearly will not be pursuing me so long as he is pursuing her. Right??
I really need to find someone else to focus on. Note that I wrote someONE else, not someTHING else. God knows, I have plenty of other THINGS on which I could focus. . . . however, none of them have taken my mind off J so far. Clearly the only thing that might is starting something with another man.
And honestly, I think that dating someone new is something I need to be doing anyway. I've felt this way for a few weeks; I've just been allowing my friendship with J to be a substitute for that natural next step I need to take. It's been nearly 5 months since my break-up with SL, and I need to get on with my life. Though I'm not sure that I ever want to marry, I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I crave male companionship. . . . which is one of several reasons that I have been so open to spending the time with J that I have. . . . even though it's been clear for a while that that relationship is a dead-end romantically.
Having come to this conclusion, now the only problem is finding someone to date. Hmmmm.