Sunday, August 19, 2007

Unanswered prayers

(no weight today)

I took down the super-long post I wrote late Friday night. I don't think too many people who know me in real life could find this blog, but just in case, I decided that I didn't want all that information out there. If these were only my own secrets I were sharing, it'd be a different situation, but despite my use of initials and pseudonyms for referring to people in my life, it's not outside the realm of possibility that someone could find one of my entries. Chalk it up to former prosecutor's paranoia. . . .

In place of that post, let me just say the following: after a 5-hour conversation with him on Friday night, I now know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that J and I will never again be romantically involved. The reason for this conclusion is such that this is an uneqivocal statement. I know, I know, I'm always posting about resolving to be "just friends" with him, etc. . . . .but this conversation revealed things that are absolutely unchangeable and an insurmountable barrier to any future between us, now or ever. If I wrote the reason for knowing we can never be together, I guarantee 99.9% of readers would agree. . . . but in the interest of protecting J's privacy, I won't. Let's just say. . . . what I learned is an unqualified deal-breaker for me, and a significant change in circumstance from when we dated in our 20's.

However, I feel certain that we will continue to be good friends. . . . likely even closer friends than we have been up to this point, for a few reasons which I can't get into.

Ever since I first got back in touch with J, I have assumed that the universe had a purpose for our reunion. I still believe that our reconnection was no coincidence . . . . only the purpose is not what I thought it was. In the beginning--and at several times subsequent--I naively thought that he was brought back into my life so that we could go back to where things went wrong between us before and start over.

Now I know that the real reasons, while not as romantic, are more profound. After our most recent long talk, I've come to a some important realizations, both about him and about myself. Chief among these is this: the fact that things worked out the way they did for us saved me from an unfathomable amount of grief and emotional trauma. THIS is the textbook example of a situation where one thanks God for unanswered prayers, truly.

There were literally hundreds of nights--before, during, and after dating J--that I asked God to allow us to be together, always. For a long time, J was the gold standard to whom I compared every other man. I now know why God's answer to my request to be with him was an emphatic NO. . . . and am wholly convinced that this answer spared me literally years of suffering.

I am being a bit cryptic, but trust me, this is big, big, big. I do not use these words lightly. Marriage between J and me would have been disastrous for me. . . . not because he is not a wonderful person, because he is. But I truly thank God, albeit belatedly, for not granting my petition.

J is still my "one that got away" ( . . . . but knowing what I know now, I'm so glad that "we" didn't happen! I can't even begin to explain how glad.

J and I also did a thorough post-mortem of our relationship of old. I came away from that with a very good feeling. He actually did care about me back then, even more than I'd realized, and is genuinely remorseful for the pain he caused me. And I was amazed & flattered by the little things about our time together that he remembers.

J made it clear to me that he thinks a lot of me. And in light of the revelations he made, he must trust me immensely. His trust and regard mean a lot to me, despite the fact that I am not going to date him. I value his friendship.
KC pointed out a more global lesson to be gleaned from this situation. A few months ago, I had a conversation with her (and with my parents regarding my belief that God does not answer my prayers. This is clear evidence that, at least in this instance, He did. God certainly knew better than I what was best for me here.
It looks like I may have to re-examine my beliefs re my prayers. . . .
I am now fully aware of J's situation with his "ex" and the decision he has to make about that. Though I've given him my honest opinion as his friend, the outcome no longer much concerns me. . . . since I know that he and I will only be friends regardless of the choice he makes.
Anyway. . . . moving on to other topics.
I had a very fun weekend in Tucson! It was great to see my friends. Going back made me more than a little nostalgic for the life I had there, but I am resolved to work on becoming more fully engaged in my life here. And in fairness to myself, it has been less than a month since I moved; I have to give myself more time than that to make a transition to Phoenix.
I'm off to bed--I'm EXHAUSTED after two late nights in a row, all the emotional upheaval of processing everything J told me Friday over the past 48 hours, and waking up with a severe migraine this morning at 3 a.m. Gotta hit the hay.


JessiferSeabs said...

I didn't see your original post, so I have no idea what is going on, but in regards to "god doesn't answer my prayers," this is why i always pray for "the greater and higher good," meaning that i want God not to just grant me what I want, but help guide me towards what the RIGHT answer is.

Thank you for swingin' by my blog today. I need all this support, and you guys are coming out in droves.