Getting older ain't for sissies

212.6

Now that I am about to actively put myself "back out on the market" dating-wise, I guess it's only natural that I've been thinking more about my appearance. Obviously, since one of the things I blog the most about is my weight, we all know that I'm overweight. . . some would go so far as to say (gasp!) "fat."

In addition to my weight, I now have more than 20 gray hairs; fine lines around my eyes and on my forehead that no longer go away with a good night's rest and proper hydration; my teeth are not as white as they used to be (thanks, Starbucks); and my breasts now require what KC's mother refers to as the "Rawhide" bra (because it "heads 'em up and moves 'em out").

I don't know whether it's good or bad that, in terms of my looks, I don't really have "glory days" to look back on with nostalgia. The fact of the matter is, except for a brief period from age 21 to 22 when I'd actually gotten within 10 lbs of my "ideal weight," there has never been a time when I was a real looker. Hell, even at 22, I had bad hair with big bangs: it *was* the early '90s, after all.

I've been browsing a bit on some online dating sites and have been a little disappointed to see how many men within a few years of my age are restricting their search to only women under 35. Did I pass some magical barrier of which I was blissfully unaware on my last birthday that suddenly rendered me less desirable to men? I suppose we all have to draw a line somewhere, but it is a depressing thought.

When I first thought actively about getting back into the dating game, I mainly thought about the opportunities to meet new men and have some fun. (In addition to taking my less-than-healthy focus off J.) I thought putting myself out there meant "moving on." I still think that this is a step I need to take, but I'm now facing the reality that, by taking active steps to find someone, I'm also opening myself up for rejection and disappointments.

Time to grow that thick skin again. . . .

Anthropology

213.6 (whatever)

One of the nurses at my office with whom I have become friendly was intrigued to hear about our plans to try speed dating. "A" is just over 40, married, with tween-aged boys. It's funny to me how married people react to single people and our pursuit of romance; sometimes I feel like an anthropological study subject. (I feel this with some of my married friends, too.) It's like the person is writing a dissertation on "The Dating Habits of the Single Woman in Her Mid-to-Late 30's." LOL I guess I should be glad to provide a diversion for these happily-marrieds.

I actually hit the treadmill this morning before work, something I haven't done in a while. (I haven't been on the treadmill at all for a couple of weeks at least. . . and I haven't exercised in the mornings since I was back in Tucson and first living in the house without SL.) It felt good to work up a sweat, and, as I'd predicted, the exercise room was quite pleasant in the morning (as well as being completely empty except for me). I did the usual brisk walk for 5 minutes, alternating with slow jog for 2-2 1/2 minutes, for a total of 2 miles in a little over 31 minutes. It'd be nice to be able to jog the entire 2 miles, but I'm definitely not there yet.

It's been nice having my mom staying with me. She is going to leave tomorrow to go to Las Cruces and visit friends for several days. By the time she returns next Wednesday, I hope to have the new bedroom furniture assembled and her room set up. She has been sleeping in my bed, in my room, since she arrived, while I have been sleeping in the otherwise-empty second bedroom on a twin-sized air mattress. I have to admit that the last few nights sleep have not been very restful for me on the air mattress; it'll be nice to actually sleep in a bed again!

Of course, all of this upheaval is completely my own fault: I've known since at least early July (if not longer) that my mom would be coming to stay with me the week before Labor Day. With the move, the new job, and my customary laziness, I let the time get away from me without making the needed preparations. Pretty typical of me. ;)

KC and I are going to head out to one of our old haunts on Saturday night, too. When we lived in Phoenix back in early 2000, there was a certain Scottsdale bar that we went to about every other Saturday to hear an 80's cover band. (I actually met a man with whom I had a fairly serious, several-months-long relationship there the first time we went.) The same group still plays there on Saturdays, so we are going to go check it out. It may be lame--the crowd may have changed, and we're 7 years older--but we'll see.

Speed dating

211.6

So KC and I are going speed dating on September 25th. Honestly, I've been intrigued with the idea ever since seeing it in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Hitch, but I was in a committed relationship with SL at the time. I'm so glad KC was willing to do it with me! I'll be interested to see how it goes. . . .

I said in passing to my mom that I should make an all-out effort to lose as much as weight as I can in these next four weeks before the event. I mean, come on: it's a no-brainer that most men are not into fat women. Being thinner would greatly improve my odds of meeting a man, no question about it. Some people say that any man who cares about weight is too superficial, but I don't subscribe to that viewpoint. Men are just more visual creatures than women generally, and I don't judge them for it. Hell, sometimes I celebrate it. . . . like when I think of all the free drinks I've gotten in bars over the years because some man liked the way my boobs looked. LOL

So we'll see if I actually put my good intentions into action. The fact that we are having record heat here likely will not help my cause. . . . but if I could get my lazy ass up before work, I could surely work out in the complex's exercise room. With its west-facing windows, it should be quite pleasant in there early in the mornings.

I've been officially living in Phoenix for a month today! Time certainly flies. Looking around my apartment, one would think I just moved in last week. LOL Ah well. . . .

Unproductive

210.6

I have had a very lazy weekend. Aside from driving up to north Scottsdale for dinner with KC, C & her boyfriend, and J last night, I've done little productive. I bought the bedroom furniture I'd planned to at Ikea. . . . but it's still in the boxes, unassembled. (I don't have a mattress for the bed yet anyway, as it would not fit in KC's car.) I've napped and done a lot of reading. And now my mom will be arriving in the next 2-3 hours.

Oh well. My mom is quite chill about things, and I'm sure the boxes and general chaos of the apartment won't be a big deal to her. I'm going to do a little more straightening up, but have abandoned all hope of actually have the place completely neat & organized.

Once again, I have not exercised at all today. My eating has been OK, though. I imagine the weight I saw on the scale this morning is, at least in part, due to dehydration: I had 2 glasses of wine with dinner last night, then 2 beers after dinner with J (we went out for a drink after dinner, just the two of us).

I am reading a very interesting book by John Grisham called The Innocent Man. I like Grisham's writing style. I will say that his bias is very obvious in the way he presents the facts, but I am enjoying the book nonetheless.

It'll be good to see my mom. . . . haven't seen her since Easter.

You're the one that I want

212.2

I had SUCH a fun time last night at the Grease sing-along! What a great idea! It was totally worth the round-trip drive to Tucson & back. In addition to seeing the friends I expected, I also saw several other coworkers from my old job, which was great.

I rocked some new tunes on the DVD player there and back. All and all, a very fun evening.

I'm off to Ikea this morning. KC & I plan to be there when they open because, even though my mom is likely arriving tomorrow(!), I have no furniture in her bedroom. I hope to have that remedied by day's end.

Yesterday was a fun work day, too; one of the best I've had so far. I got to interview employees of a hospital client of ours because of an incident that happened a couple of weeks ago. Hearing all the different stories was akin to putting together the pieces of a puzzle and quite interesting. More of the same on Monday.

Today I am determined to get the apartment cleaned up--it's in chaos--before Mom arrives. Not that she will care. . . but damn! It's bad at the moment.

Bait & switch

213.8

Re my weight above: I suppose yesterday's eating is responsible. For lunch yesterday, I had a French dip and French fries--very healthy. For last night's dinner, I went out to Pita Jungle with friends and had hummus, pitas, a beef gyro, and a beer. I probably ate more than I should overall for the day, and I definitely didn't eat enough veggies. . . the only vegetables that crossed my lips all day were the lettuce, tomato, & onion on my gyro. LOL Ah well. Today is a new day. Already drinking lots of water and have resolved to have a salad for lunch.

It's still been too hot for outdoor exercise. Sebastian made me feel bad this morning; when I took him out to walk around the complex to do his business, he walked over to the gate through which we usually leave to go walk around the neighborhood and gave the gate a nudge with his nose. (That's what he usually does to any door he wants you to open for him.) So clearly he wanted to go for a long(er) walk, but it was already in the 90's and very sunny. Poor boy. In theory, I could get up at sunrise and walk him, but so far that hasn't been happening. . . . getting up early is hard for me, always has been.

Last night I did some browsing on match.com and updated my profile. It is a little overwhelming the number of men who, at least on the computer at first blush, seem to be eligible candidates. I even narrowed my search by income, education level, and various physical criteria and still got hundreds of matches. That's all well and good, but for me, it'll really all come down to how I feel when I'm with the person. But there are certain baseline requirements I have, of course. In fairness, I will say: no more than I myself have to offer. ;)

I thought about buying the subscription and displaying my profile, but then realized that the photos on the profile are from four years and thirty pounds ago. I would never want to be accused of pulling a bait and switch, and out-of-date photos of yourself are just a bad idea if you're online dating. So I am going to get KC to take a few updated pictures of me on Saturday and will put those up. (As an aside, I will say that it's a shame because the pictures I have on my profile now were taken by a friend in Tucson who is a professional photographer. So even if I hadn't gained weight, I will certainly not look as good in these new photos as I do in the ones I already have. Ah well.)

Well, I guess all I can do is give the men who will view my profile a chance to see what I actually look like so that they can decide whether they'd want to meet me in person. The worst possible thing would be for me to meet someone face-to-face who was expecting someone other than what he saw. There is not much I can do in the short-term to change my looks. . . . which, in any event, I don't think are all that bad, despite my being overweight. I have good hair, a nice smile (thank you, orthodontia), and decent features. It'll be OK. :)

Besides, one nice thing about now being in my mid-30's: I don't get too hung up on "is he going to like me?" anymore. Now I'm more about "what do *I* think of *him*?" A much healthier approach, if you ask me.

Now that I've made the decision to actively pursue finding someone to date, I'm kind-of excited about it. Let the games begin!

Another stolen meme

212.0

As much fun as it's been writing all about my angst over J, even I am getting a little tired of reading my recent posts. So I stole this meme from a blogger who is a complete stranger to me. . . . though we live in the same metro area.

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

A: attorney. That's my current career, and I really enjoy it. I know most people hate lawyers, but to me, the law is fun. Law school was three of the best years of my life, and I like practicing law, too.

N: nurse. That's my old career. Despite the fact that the work was fulfilling. . . . I don't miss it at all! I haven't worked a day in the hospital in a little over 6 years and have never regretted leaving it once in that entire time.

G: genuine. One of my best qualities, IMHO, is that whatever else I may be, I am genuine. I think 4 out 5 friends of S surveyed would agree. . .

E: educated. I have three degrees: two undergrad--nursing & psychology--plus my J.D. According to wikipedia.org, only 3% of the U.S. population holds a professional degree, so now that I have my law degree, I am part of a small minority. (27.2% of the U.S. population has at least a bachelor's degree.) I don't think having three degrees makes me better than other people; I find a distinct difference between education and intelligence. For me, earning my degrees was a pleasure because I've always been a big ol' geek who loves school. I'd get three more degrees if I didn't have to work for a living. . . .

L: love. Love is always a big part of my life, no matter what. Love for friends, family, men, Sebastian. My love life this year has been bad, bad. . . . and I love my Golden Retriever very much, more than most people I know. LOL Honestly, Sebastian is way more lovable than most people.

A: aunt. Becoming an aunt is one of the best things that has happened to me in the past year. I love little Rowan so much! Isn't he the cutest?

Suddenly I'm a waffler

212.4

In my personal life, once I mentally commit to a course of action, I generally stick with it. I can be indecisive and lacking commitment about things like eating better, exercising, and getting organized, but usually not in this arena. Hell, this is how and why things ended with SL: even though I knew that making his drinking an issue would likely lead to our breaking up, I stuck to my guns. For months, I was unrelenting. . . . until finally we had our relationship-ending fight. I gave up my chance at marriage and children and everything about my life with him because I refused to compromise my principles.

One thing on which I pride myself is having the courage of my convictions. I have said several times to friends--most recently to J himself on Friday last--that "once I know what is right, I do it, even if it's hard for me." I believe that the only way to live with integrity is to at least make my own conduct conform to my idea of what it should be.

So what is it about J that seems to bring out the waffler in me? I am very grateful right now that he is still in love with A and contemplating getting back together with her. . . . because if he were interested in me right now, I fear I'd walk through that door. . . . even though it's one that I believe wholeheartedly should be firmly shut. And triple deadbolt-locked. With maybe some heavy furniture shoved up against it.

I really want to continue my friendship with him, so I hope that he and A do get back together. If they do, then that door that leads to a romantic relationship with him is one I will never be able to walk through. And that is absolutely the best possible thing for me. Despite my undeniable feelings for him, I know without a doubt that going there would be one of the most foolish decisions I could ever make. But why doesn't this knowledge make me stop wanting it?

KC and I just had dinner and spent the whole time talking about this. Frankly, she is more than a little surprised that I would even contemplate going there, in light of what I now know about him (coupled, of course, with what I already knew about him from firsthand experience). More, though, I think she is worried that so long as I leave that door ajar, the day may come when he will beckon me to walk through it. As my friend, she doesn't want to see me hurt. . . . and I certainly would be if I chose that path.

Maybe I just need some more time to wrap my mind around all this new information. I have had to undergo a complete paradigm shift in regard to J over the past four days. The blessing for me, in his continued pursuit of his "ex," is that he clearly will not be pursuing me so long as he is pursuing her. Right??

I really need to find someone else to focus on. Note that I wrote someONE else, not someTHING else. God knows, I have plenty of other THINGS on which I could focus. . . . however, none of them have taken my mind off J so far. Clearly the only thing that might is starting something with another man.

And honestly, I think that dating someone new is something I need to be doing anyway. I've felt this way for a few weeks; I've just been allowing my friendship with J to be a substitute for that natural next step I need to take. It's been nearly 5 months since my break-up with SL, and I need to get on with my life. Though I'm not sure that I ever want to marry, I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I crave male companionship. . . . which is one of several reasons that I have been so open to spending the time with J that I have. . . . even though it's been clear for a while that that relationship is a dead-end romantically.

Having come to this conclusion, now the only problem is finding someone to date. Hmmmm.

Monday morning

211.6 (hmmm)

I am sitting at home right now because I woke up with a migraine for the second day in a row. Though my headache is mostly gone right now, I still feel a little weird after taking the Imitrex to knock it out. I'm going to go in to the office after noon.

I just hopped on the scale, and the number above is what I saw. Weird. I actually didn't eat much this weekend despite eating every meal out--between my ruminations re J and yesterday's migraine, I didn't have much appetite. Still, I am a little surprised to see that lower weight. . . . pleasantly so, to be sure, but surprised. Maybe it's in part because I am finishing up my period. ?? I know I'm not dehydrated this morning; I spent all day yesterday sucking down water like a camel at the end of a desert trek. Weight is a strange thing.

On that same weight-related note, a few of my friends commented over the weekend that I looked thinner. Looking back, I don't really weigh less than I did a month ago, before I moved. And I don't think I was dressed in any particularly flattering outfits that would create the illusion of looking thinner. Hmmm.

My weight loss plan for the week? To journal what I eat, control portions, eat more fruits/veggies. If it's not too God-awful hot, I hope to get back to exercising more again this week. (Assuming also that I don't have more migraines.) It is so true that exercise gives you more energy and improves your mood. . . . not even considering what it does for weight loss & muscle tone.

I am going to be eating about half my meals out, I imagine, which is about usual for me. I'm going to make healthful choices when I'm out and stop eating long before I feel full. I'm going to have lowfat yogurt or Kashi Go Lean Crunch for breakfasts. I may as well finish up some of the Jenny cuisine meals I have for lunches and dinners when I'm eating at home. . . . the food's not too bad, and it's one approach to portion control.

On the social front, I will likely have dinner with KC tomorrow night, and am meeting my friend A (who I've not yet seen since moving to Phx) for dinner on Wednesday night. I'm looking forward to seeing A: her little daughter just turned one, and I've not seen them since SL & I broke up. Not sure yet about Thursday, but Friday night I'm 95% sure I'm going to drive up to Tucson to go to a Grease sing along; I love that movie and have since I was about 8 years old! It sounds SO fun!!

Saturday night I think I am having dinner with C and her boyfriend and KC & J. . . .we'd talked about that last week, though I haven't talked to her about it since coming to the realization that J and I are not ever going to date again. I feel pretty sure that C will still want to meet J, even though we are only friends. I really should do more unpacking this week, and I should make another Ikea run next weekend; I don't have any furniture in my second bedroom yet, and my mom will be arriving some time next week. I'm still interested in checking out that Unitarian Universalist church, too, so perhaps I will go on Sunday.

After waking up with this migraine, my week is off to an odd start. Regardless, I hope it's a good one!

Unanswered prayers

(no weight today)

I took down the super-long post I wrote late Friday night. I don't think too many people who know me in real life could find this blog, but just in case, I decided that I didn't want all that information out there. If these were only my own secrets I were sharing, it'd be a different situation, but despite my use of initials and pseudonyms for referring to people in my life, it's not outside the realm of possibility that someone could find one of my entries. Chalk it up to former prosecutor's paranoia. . . .

In place of that post, let me just say the following: after a 5-hour conversation with him on Friday night, I now know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that J and I will never again be romantically involved. The reason for this conclusion is such that this is an uneqivocal statement. I know, I know, I'm always posting about resolving to be "just friends" with him, etc. . . . .but this conversation revealed things that are absolutely unchangeable and an insurmountable barrier to any future between us, now or ever. If I wrote the reason for knowing we can never be together, I guarantee 99.9% of readers would agree. . . . but in the interest of protecting J's privacy, I won't. Let's just say. . . . what I learned is an unqualified deal-breaker for me, and a significant change in circumstance from when we dated in our 20's.

However, I feel certain that we will continue to be good friends. . . . likely even closer friends than we have been up to this point, for a few reasons which I can't get into.

Ever since I first got back in touch with J, I have assumed that the universe had a purpose for our reunion. I still believe that our reconnection was no coincidence . . . . only the purpose is not what I thought it was. In the beginning--and at several times subsequent--I naively thought that he was brought back into my life so that we could go back to where things went wrong between us before and start over.

Now I know that the real reasons, while not as romantic, are more profound. After our most recent long talk, I've come to a some important realizations, both about him and about myself. Chief among these is this: the fact that things worked out the way they did for us saved me from an unfathomable amount of grief and emotional trauma. THIS is the textbook example of a situation where one thanks God for unanswered prayers, truly.

There were literally hundreds of nights--before, during, and after dating J--that I asked God to allow us to be together, always. For a long time, J was the gold standard to whom I compared every other man. I now know why God's answer to my request to be with him was an emphatic NO. . . . and am wholly convinced that this answer spared me literally years of suffering.

I am being a bit cryptic, but trust me, this is big, big, big. I do not use these words lightly. Marriage between J and me would have been disastrous for me. . . . not because he is not a wonderful person, because he is. But I truly thank God, albeit belatedly, for not granting my petition.

J is still my "one that got away" (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/07/one-that-got-away.html) . . . . but knowing what I know now, I'm so glad that "we" didn't happen! I can't even begin to explain how glad.

J and I also did a thorough post-mortem of our relationship of old. I came away from that with a very good feeling. He actually did care about me back then, even more than I'd realized, and is genuinely remorseful for the pain he caused me. And I was amazed & flattered by the little things about our time together that he remembers.

J made it clear to me that he thinks a lot of me. And in light of the revelations he made, he must trust me immensely. His trust and regard mean a lot to me, despite the fact that I am not going to date him. I value his friendship.

KC pointed out a more global lesson to be gleaned from this situation. A few months ago, I had a conversation with her (and with my parents http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/06/wow.html) regarding my belief that God does not answer my prayers. This is clear evidence that, at least in this instance, He did. God certainly knew better than I what was best for me here.

It looks like I may have to re-examine my beliefs re my prayers. . . .

I am now fully aware of J's situation with his "ex" and the decision he has to make about that. Though I've given him my honest opinion as his friend, the outcome no longer much concerns me. . . . since I know that he and I will only be friends regardless of the choice he makes.

Anyway. . . . moving on to other topics.

I had a very fun weekend in Tucson! It was great to see my friends. Going back made me more than a little nostalgic for the life I had there, but I am resolved to work on becoming more fully engaged in my life here. And in fairness to myself, it has been less than a month since I moved; I have to give myself more time than that to make a transition to Phoenix.

I'm off to bed--I'm EXHAUSTED after two late nights in a row, all the emotional upheaval of processing everything J told me Friday over the past 48 hours, and waking up with a severe migraine this morning at 3 a.m. Gotta hit the hay.

Quick update

216.0 at Jenny Craig Centre

I came to a decision this evening: I'm taking a break from Jenny Craig for a while. I actually lost 0.5 lbs this week, so it's not discouragement. . . . and I know the program works, since I've gone from almost 235 to 216 in 4 months with relatively minimal effort.

The centre here just has a negative energy, and I'm just not enthusiastic about the program right now. I'm a little tired of the food, and I'm very tired of being "required" to eat/buy the food.

I'm not going to throw caution to the wind and revert to my usual non-dieting ways, though. I'm going to journal, eat more fruits/veggies, and track points, and we'll see how that goes. Oh yeah, and exercise.

Off to unpack some boxes!

Good intentions

213.4 (official weigh-in at 6:30 p.m.)

I finished unpacking all my bathroom/linen closet stuff last night and organized it all. What a good feeling! It took me the better part of an hour, but it's amazing what a difference doing it made. I had a lovely feeling of accomplishment when I finished, and it was great this morning not to be searching for things I needed and to see my vanity all cleared off. I found lots of stuff I forgot I had (including 3 toenail and 2 fingernail clippers!), cleared out a lot of old/expired/dried-up products, and just generally got organized.

Last night's unpacking/organizing spree showed me that my new place has so much storage space, it's really hard to fathom. As someone who has been renting her entire adult life. . . about 19 years, if you include college. . . . I can really appreciate an apartment like this! My bedroom alone has three full closets; all my clothes don't even fill two of them. That doesn't include the storage in the bathrooms, second bedroom, or an outdoor storage closet. It's great!

I plan to spend time tonight working on unpacking/organizing my bedroom. Honestly, there are only about 4 more boxes to unpack--and 3 of those just have clothes--so it shouldn't take long if I just knuckle down and do it.

Look at me exercising the self-discipline! :)

I met my friends the Hs last night at a cute little pizza place after work. Their baby--4 weeks old--is so unbelievably good! He was finishing up nursing when I arrived, then slept the rest of the hour-and-a-half we were there; I never heard a peep out of him! I have seen him three times and have only seen him awake once, for about 5 minutes. LOL

This evening is my Jenny Craig weigh-in. Despite my intentions, I haven't had quite the week I'd hoped: I ate (unplanned) lunches out twice, in addition to 4 dinners out, since last week's weigh-in. Well, to focus on the positive, I did bring lunch more often this week, and the times I ate out, I made generally good choices (with the notable exceptions of the D-backs game & The Melting Pot!). We'll see what the scale shows tonight. . . . I'm not terribly optimistic. In addition to the not-quite-on-target eating, I've done no exercise, and I'm due to start my period any minute. (sigh)

Motivation

213.4

I don't know why, but I have felt unmotivated to exercise for the past week. The last time I exercised at all was Tuesday 8/7. I'm sure the fact that it has been brutally hot here is a factor, as is the humidity on some days. I have also been out several evenings after work, at a time when I would generally hit the treadmill. But if I want to lose any more weight, I'm going to have to put a stop to this laziness!

My eating this week has been OK: I overdid it a little on bread last night while out to dinner with KC, though my entree choice at dinner and the rest of my day's choices were both healthful and good ones. The scale hasn't moved much, though. . . . probably because I haven't exercised at all!

Speaking of sh!t I'm not doing that I need to be. . . . remember my resolve to spend 30 minutes a night unpacking? Yeah, predictably, that hasn't happened either. Monday night I was out late for traffic school, then on the phone with J, then struggling with insomnia--hey, maybe unpacking boxes would've cured my insomnia! Last night, I was researching online for work, then exhausted by 9:30 because I only slept 4 hours the previous night.

Well, it's only Wednesday; there's still hope, right? I am meeting my friend KH & her husband (and 4-week-old baby) for dinner right after work tonight. . . . I should still get home early enough to at least work on the unpacking this evening. And tomorrow I have my Jenny Craig weigh-in and nothing else. . . . so I should be able to hit the treadmill *and* unpack. OK, feeling better already. I hope this isn't yet another of those promises to myself that I will very shortly break. . . .

I have several blogs that I read regularly. On one of them today (http://jessiferseabs.blogspot.com/), the blogger wrote about motivation. Among other things, she wrote "I think motivation is a bit of a crock of shit." After I read that, I thought: you know what? She is absolutely right!

I don't feel "motivated" to come to work most mornings. . . . but I come anyway because I have to work to support myself. I don't usually feel "motivated" to brush my teeth before bedtime. . . . but I do it anyway because I don't want cavities or dentures. I don't feel "motivated" to shower daily, but I do it anyway, 'cause damn! I'd be manky otherwise.

Recently my friend KC and I were having a conversation about my (perceived?) lack of self-discipline. . . . not in the context of weight loss, or exercise, or home organization, but actually in my ability to say no to tempting, casual sex. To my protest of "I know I have no self-discipline," KC responded "bullsh!t." She pointed out that I have managed to earn three degrees; that I manage to appear in court regularly without ever swearing or losing my temper in front of a judge; and actually engage in many behaviors that would tend to disprove my contention that I have no self-discipline. (Gotta love a friend who'll give it to you straight. . . . )

I will have to ponder on this further, but I am beginning to think that KC (& jessiferseabs) are right: motivation is a crock of sh!t, and I should be exercising some of the self-discipline I undoubtedly have to accomplish my goals!

Insomnia

(no new weight since last post)

I could probably count on the fingers of both hands the number of times in my life I've had insomnia unrelated to a significant emotional trauma, like a death of someone close to me or a hard break-up. Right now is one of those few times. Ugh.

I have been lying in bed since after 11:00. . . . over an hour now, and I cannot for the life of me get to sleep! I'm tired--weary, really--just not drowsy. It's too weird. I've tried all the usual stuff: counting sheep, warm milk, reading. Nothing doing.

I know I am going to be wiped tomorrow, and I have to go to court in the morning for one of the partners. Ah well. I know I will struggle through, with the help of Starbucks, but this sucks! I can't imagine how mental I would get if I suffered with insomnia regularly. . . . sleep is SO important to me.

I got home late tonight--9:30-ish--because I had to go traffic school from 4:30 to 9:00. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be: I learned quite a bit, and the guy sitting next to me was funny. . . . we shared several chuckles & asides during the class. It helped the time pass. The primary focus of the class was being a more mindful driver and focusing on your driving. So, of course, I left the class and immediately got on my cell phone on the way home. LOL

I called J when the class ended because he had sent me a text shortly before class began that intrigued me and made me want to hear more. (It was related to some drama he has going on with a group school project.) J and I talked on the phone for an hour and a half tonight. First he vented about his school drama, but the bulk of our conversation was about the fact that he and A (his "ex"-girlfriend) had a long talk tonight re the possibility of their getting back together. Despite the long conversation we had about this, I still don't really have all the details. . . . he is a little reticent with me about the specifics of why they broke up in the first place (note: he claims it was not only because he moved out here). I don't get a sense that he is holding back on me, more that he is having some trouble articulating precisely what went down.

In the event, he clearly still cares about A (he never said the word "love," but did say there is "no one quite like" her) and is struggling over what he should do. In his words: "I don't like to make a decision". . . . and that is totally him: he has run most of his life by letting circumstances and other people decide for him.

I feel for him. These relationship decisions are never easy; God knows, I've been there. It's weird, given my obsession with him over the past 2+ months, but what I want more than anything is for him to make a decision he will be happy with. I'd be lying if I said I *want* them to get back together. . . . because that would be the absolute and final death knell to any and all hope I'd have of ever being in a romantic relationship with him myself. But I know that it won't kill me if they do--only mildly disappoint me--and that he and I will continue to be friends regardless. Does this mean I'm not really that into him? Who knows?

For me, this whole J situation has been confusing, confusing. Even from my blog entries, it's pretty clear that my feelings about J have been all over the map. . . . and those just tell a fraction of the story. My best friend KC told me frankly a little over a week ago that she was worried about me. . . . not because she thought J would (intentionally) hurt me, but just because I seemed so obsessed and yet unclear about my feelings. While obsession is in character for me, indecision and uncertainty is not.

The fortuity of all of this--J searching for me at a time when I really should have already been married, but then both J and I moving to the Phoenix area at the same time; both of us just ending long-term, serious relationships; and both still being single in our mid 30's--has long struck me as being more than a mere coincidence. . . . it's like our paths were fated to cross again. I guess my mistake has been first in thinking that there is a design to our reacquaintance after so many years. Following on the heels of that mistake is the next: that we've reunited to rekindle a romantic flame. Maybe the simplest explanation is that both of us need a friend right now. . . . someone with whom we already have a built-in comfort level, from shared history and that inexplicable affinity that has always existed between us. I certainly find him very easy to talk to--and it's different talking to a man than to my girlfriends, particularly this man--and I know he feels the same about me.

Anyway. . . . we are going to meet for dinner on Friday night. . . . at which time he will "fill in more of the details" (his words) for me re him and A so that I can give him my opinion of the situation. I laughingly told him that he may not want to hear my perspective. He remarked more than once during tonight's conversation that A and I are a lot alike in personality (at one point he said "I'll bet your profiles would be an exact match if we gave you the Myers-Briggs"), so anything I tell him will probably be pretty much like what he's already heard from her. LOL

Just rollin' with it! It is what it is. . . . don't I sound Zen-like? It must be J's philosophy rubbing off on me. . . . he's always talking about how he's into Eastern religion and philosophy. Acceptance of what *is* is always a good thing, no matter what your religion or philosopy, I say.

Just 30 minutes a day. . .

213.6

I had a pretty good day yesterday, foodwise. The only "extra" thing I ate was 6 Ritz crackers with a tablespoon of peanut butter. I probably didn't quite drink enough water, either, but I'm trying to make up for that today.

I didn't exercise because I had a headache most of the day and because it was God-awful hot. And I won't be exercising tonight because I have to go to traffic school. :(

Not much else to tell. I was proud of myself for one thing yesterday: it was SL's birthday, and I did *not* call him. I was determined not to call, and I was able to stick with that. See, I *can* exercise self-discipline sometimes. :)

Starting tomorrow evening, I am going to force myself to spend 30 minutes per night unpacking. The chaos in my apartment is starting to take a mental toll on me. I think I would feel more peaceful generally if I had more order in my home environment.

Of course, I have resolved to become organized at home before, and that hasn't gone anywhere. . . .

It makes no sense

213.8

I know it is normal for the scale to fluctuate from day to day. If I choose to weigh myself daily--and I do, for the most part--I have to accept these fluctuations as normal and expected.

I still find it odd, though, that I weigh less this morning than I have weighed the past three mornings. Yesterday I did no exercise (haven't worked out since Tuesday, actually) and ate out at The Melting Pot: I had a huge, four-course dinner, plus two alcoholic drinks. And yet I still weigh less than I did a few days ago. Hmmm. I'm not complaining; I'm just noting the inconsistency of this.

I got a computer desk yesterday at Ikea, and I started assembling it last night when I got home from my evening out with V. There are 42 steps in the assembly process! I am through 16 of them, so I still have a ways to go. At least what I have done so far is recognizable as a desk; when I first pulled all the pieces out of the boxes last night, I couldn't even figure out where to start! (Is it obvious that I have not had much experience in assembling furniture?)

It's times like this when I could use SL; he was good at putting things together. Ah well. It's an opportunity for personal growth, right?

Once I get my desk put together, I'm going in to the office to do the work I didn't do yesterday. If I spend a solid 4-5 hours there, I think I can accomplish everything I need to in order to start the week tomorrow feeling OK about my upcoming deadlines.

I had planned to go check out a service at the Unitarian Universalist church near work this morning, but will have to postpone for a couple of weeks now, as the service starts in 3 minutes. Maybe I will wait until my mom comes; it might be fun to bring her along.

I had a nice chat with J yesterday. (I originally called him for help with my iPod/iTunes--which, as I predicted, he was able to provide--and he called me back.) His sister and her family were coming into town yesterday to visit friends, so he was going to be spending the evening with them. Apparently he really did spend Friday night studying; he and a classmate (his only classmate who is older than him) studied anatomy all evening, then had a late dinner. I imagine J is studying more today, since he has an exam tomorrow morning. When J and I talked on Thursday, I did learn that he got a 78 on his first graded exam last Monday, and he was very disappointed with that. So I suppose it is more understandable that he is putting in an extra effort for this test.

Not much else to tell!

Jinx no more

214.4

When I went to bed last night, I had made up my mind that I would be going in to the office today. I have several deadlines coming up in the next two weeks, and it's always hard to estimate how much time a given task will take when you've never done it before. Also, notwithstanding the fact that I have things I need to get done, I just need to log some more billable hours for this month.

I awoke 30 minutes before my 8:00 alarm, then proceeded to go back to sleep and slept until 9:20, when my mom called. By then, it was too hot already to take the dog for a walk (more than out to do his business), and I felt very unmotivated to go to the office. So I guess I have decided, by default, that I will be going to work tomorrow instead.

Given my plans for the weekend, that means I should be unpacking stuff here at home and doing laundry. But so far, I have instead surfed in the internet, ordered myself some new music on amazon.com, and just generally hung out. Ah well.

I am maybe 50% unpacked, despite the fact that it has now been 2 full weeks since I moved in. The way my place looks currently, there is no way I could have anyone over; it's in total chaos. I really need to get crackin', but I am, as usual, unmotivated.

Went to a D-backs game last night, and that was fun! I went with my friend C and her boyfriend; it was good to hang out with them and chat. KC went, too, even though she had to work early this morning. The D-backs won the game 11-4, so that was good, too. Last season, SL and I went to 5 games, and I think they lost every one I went to. So last night's win made my especially happy: I no longer feel like a jinx. LOL

My eating--as I'd planned--was bad, bad at the game: I had nachos, a Diamondback dog, and ice cream. Given that food-fest, I was actually quite pleased to only see 214.4 on the scale this morning.

I'm meeting my friend V at 5:00 at The Melting Pot--yum! I will probably go over to that neck of the woods a little earlier: I need to buy some things at Ikea (nearby), and I need to stop by a couple of other stores, too.

I need to give myself a swift kick in the pants to get unpacked!!

Boring

214.0

I've decided my blog is boring. Sure, occasionally, I'll write a good entry. . . but by and large, much like my daily life, it's not very exciting. Ah well. I enjoying recording my various thoughts here, so I'm not going to let the boring factor stop me. This is why I titled the blog rambling and random musings. . . . because that's about all it is.

It's so interesting to me how others' perceptions of us can differ so greatly from our perceptions of ourselves. My friend V--a bright, highly-educated, 41-year-old woman--is always telling me that she thinks I can have just about any man I want and how attractive I am. (Not in a gay way, LOL.) V says I need to "go out and meet an interim guy" . . . . as though doing this would be just about as easy as placing my order for one online.

Now, I'm not one of these people who has super-low self esteem or a poor self image. . . . . but I also own a mirror and am fully capable of making (I think) an objective evaluation of my appearance. I'm not ugly--I have some pleasing features and no huge, glaring flaws--but I am also considerably overweight (at least 50-60 lbs) and not as young as I used to be. . . . gray hairs and lines are now a regular feature of my appearance.

I am not saying that any intelligent man who took the time to know me wouldn't find me attractive and interesting. . . . but for the sake of this discourse, we are assuming that the initial attraction would be based on looks alone. I'm not feelin' it. I will tell you that this certainly has not been true of me, in my extensive experience with men.

Funny thing, though: when I was mentioning this to J last night in passing--not my thoughts/feelings, but V's contention that I could just go out and pick up a man as easy as snapping my fingers--he agreed. How odd is that.

On a related note, my friend D said to me the other day how "lucky" I am to be starting a "whole new life" here in Phoenix. Am I? I'll grant her that I've gotten a significant increase in pay (& frankly, an improvement in working conditions), but I've earned it at the loss of doing a job I loved. There is nothing wrong, per se, with my new job. . . . but compared to the job I had, it's a little on the boring side. And I had no burning desire to move to Phoenix: I was perfectly content to stay in little ol' Tucson. I am very fortunate in that I have good friends here in Phoenix already. . . . but I had good friends in Tucson, too. Aside from the "better" job, I don't really see that my life here is all that big an improvement over the life I had before. Hmmm.

Maybe I'd be happier if I could see myself the way V and D see me, instead of the way *I* see myself. LOL

I'm in love. . . .

216.5 (whatever)

I'm in love with my new computer monitor! Because I figure I'll be doing a lot of work at home, I wanted to get a nice, large monitor with my new desktop. Well, the one I got rocks. It's a 22-inch, widescreen, flatscreen monitor, with incredible clarity. I am very happy!

It's amazing all the things this new computer can do, all for under $1000. I have more memory than I will likely ever use. Cool.

I was up 1.7 lbs this week from last week's weigh-in. I'm not 100% sure why. I did overeat some this past week, and actually last night, KC and I went out to dinner and I really overdid it. Come to think of it, last night's gorge is probably the primary reason the scale was up tonight. Hmmm.

Onward into a new week. I know I will be eating--probably poorly--at the D-Backs game tomorrow night, and my friend V and I are having dinner at The Melting Pot on Saturday. Aside from those two calorie-fests, I should be able to have a pretty good week this coming week. I'm actually finding that I prefer bringing my lunch to work; it saves me time, and I'm not friendly enough with any of my coworkers to lunch with them, so I end up eating at my desk in any event. Might as well eat my Jenny food and save time that can be better spent billing clients. :)

I'm going to continue with my treadmill time, too. I would really like to be back to being able to run a 5K distance by the time it starts to cool off in mid-to-late October; not only would I like to start jogging on the roads again, I'm also hoping to do some hiking in the fall. There are several mountain peaks in the Phoenix area that I have not summit-ed. Gorgeous views, and I always love to hike. I have a few friends who I know will be willing to go with me, too.

So glad tomorrow is Friday!

I'm an idiot

212.8 (this morning; official weigh-in at 6:30 pm)

Clear evidence today that I am already too emotionally involved with J. My friend C has two extra tickets to a MLB game tomorrow. I'd mentioned to J last weekend that I had these tickets, and though he'd expressed some interest in attending, we made no firm plans about going together.

This morning I text'd him to ask whether he wanted to go with me to the game. Over the lunch hour, he replied with "I know it's pathetic, but I'll be studying." He claims he needs to make up some lost ground or some such.

I'm not doubting that this is true, and I also know that he's not a baseball fan, so none of his response is a surprise. . . . nor should it be a big deal. So why do I feel gut-punched by the realization that I am not going to see him this weekend?

THAT is why I'm an idiot. No one feels this level of disappointment because a *friend* isn't available to get together.

WTF is wrong with me? I guess I'll never learn. . . . .

It'll likely be weeks now before I see him again. And that's probably a good thing.

Taking a step back

214.4 (grr. . . )

On the weight loss front, I am having a mixed week. As you can see above, my weight is actually up a little bit, and I'm not quite certain why that is.

I have been working out more consistently since moving to Phx: the past three evenings I've spent at least 30 minutes on the treadmill. I'd twisted my right ankle on moving day, so I've been gradually easing into more jogging. Monday night I jogged 9 of the 33+ minutes it took me to cover 2 miles; last night I jogged 11 minutes of the 33 minutes/2 miles. I've decided that I'm going to walk/jog 2 miles each time I work out, gradually adding more time jogging and decreasing the amount of time walking. Once I can jog the entire 2 miles, then I will think about either picking up my pace or increasing my distance or both.

My eating has been kind-of so-so. I am making an effort to get in more fruits & veggies, but still not getting to the 5 servings/day minimum that I know I should. I haven't been eating badly, per se, but I have been eating more than I should. I've been eating out less, but feeling very snacky at home for some reason. Hmmmm.

In addition to my treadmill time, I'm also walking Sebastian. . . not every day, as I'd planned, but at least 2-3 times/week. He deserves to be walked daily, of course, more than just around the complex to do his business, but it's been raining quite often and been hot & humid on other days. . . aside from the days when I've been just plain lazy. ;)

After learning some stuff about the situation with his "ex"-girlfriend and just doing some general reflecting, I have come to the conclusion that J and I can only be friends. . . despite whatever lingering lustful feelings I have toward him. ;) (To summarize: things are *so* not over between him & his ex, despite the fact that he claims they are, and I have grave concerns about his inability to commit in general.) To that end, I've decided to put a little distance between us. . . . not so much as he will likely even notice. . . . more for my own mental health.

In the first two weeks I lived in Phoenix, we got together 4 times and spent, in the aggregate, well over 3 hours talking on the phone. Believe me, this was no hardship; I enjoyed every minute of the time we spent together & talking. I have decided, though, that this is a bit excessive for someone who is only going to be my friend. . . I certainly didn't see any of my other Phx friends four times during those two weeks! The closest I came was a day and a night out with KC, and we had fewer phone contacts. . . and she's my best friend!

In any event, J and I went to a concert together last Friday night (unplanned: a friend offered me her tickets at 7:00 for an 8:00 show), then met for a movie (pre-planned) on Saturday evening. I had fun both times (& he seemed to, too). As per usual, we had a lot of laughs, great conversation, and at the end of the night, he hugged me and we parted. . . . nothing more.

Since Saturday evening, I have not heard from him. The logical part of my mind knows I should read absolutely nothing into this: he mentioned over the weekend that this week would be a bitch for him, and I know that dental school is keeping him very busy. (Class 8 to 5 Monday through Friday, at least one exam a week, and studying besides.) However, the illogical part of me is put out that he hasn't called, text'd, or emailed me.

The mere fact that I am upset by his lack of contact--Christ, it's only Wednesday morning! Would it bother me if any other friend hadn't called me "all week"?!--tells me that I am doing the right thing in taking a step back. Once again, I am allowing myself to become way more emotionally involved than the situation warrants. (That was part of what went wrong when I dated J back in college.)

So. . . . I continue to think I can handle being friends with J, even knowing that friends is all we will be. But I am trying to emotionally distant myself a little bit. Cheat me once, shame on you; cheat me twice, shame on me. Right?? A wiser person than I might just cease all contact with him, but I can't quite bring myself to do that; I like him and enjoy his company too much.

I'm having dinner with KC tonight & looking forward to it. She & I spent a very fun day shopping Saturday at Ikea, then at the mall. It's great to be living in the same city as her again! Friday night is a Diamondbacks game (that J may or may not be attending with me. . . . depending on whether we talk between now & then); Saturday night is The Melting Pot with my friend V. And I still have tons of unpacking to do, so I am by no means lacking in things to occupy my time.

I think I'm going to buy myself a new desktop computer this weekend. My personal laptop is nearly 6 years old--bought during my first year of law school--and is kind-of on its last legs. My job has issued me a laptop so that I can work from home and take it with me to depositions and on travel, but I'd like to be able to work from home on a computer with a bigger monitor. My eyes get strained even working on a standard-sized monitor; I can't imagine being on my work laptop, with its little screen, will be very good for my vision. Also, I just feel weird about putting my personal music & photos on the firm's laptop. So a new computer is definitely in order for me, now that I can afford one.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?

212.2

I did something yesterday evening that was probably not very wise; I called SL.

I had been thinking of him quite a bit since Sunday when I saw The Simpsons movie with J, first because SL is the one who really got me into watching The Simpsons regularly, and also because the family relocates to Alaska, SL's home state. (There is even a reference to Nome, and SL used to always joke that after we got married, we were going to move to Nome.)

After work yesterday, I popped by the grocery store. For some reason, I was feeling really down and lonely. I suppose those feelings mostly stemmed from the fact that I am still adjusting to my life here in Phoenix; I've only lived here since Saturday, after all! My loneliness got me thinking more of SL, and I broke down and called him.

We talked for over 45 minutes on the phone and actually had a very good conversation on the whole. I was a bit bothered by the fact that he seems to be doing *better* without me in his life: he seems to be really enjoying work (& traveling a lot for it); he says he's lost 20 lbs; he claims he is drinking less; his financial situation is improved b/c his parents payed off his credit cards for him after we broke up (something I encouraged him to explore for almost 2 years).

By no means did I think that I'd made a mistake by ending things and wish we could get back together. At the same time, I'll admit that his lack of . . . suffering, for want of a better word. . . bugged me. I even said to him "it seems like everything is going better for you with me out of the picture." He responded by saying that our break-up had spurred him to work on some things he'd been putting off, "but I'm alone now; I don't have a girlfriend."

This is a petty feeling, and I do recognize that. But I am more than a little surprised and hurt that he seems to have gotten over our break-up just fine.

Well, one thing about this realization: it should absolve me from feeling any guilt for ending things with him. I have felt guilty, at times, for "abandoning" SL. Turns out he can get along just fine without me. Who knew? LOL

I had a good long talk on the phone w/J last night, too. Despite my stated resolution to just be friends with him, he had been almost constantly in my thoughts since Sunday. Talking with him actually makes me less obsessive about him, for some reason; I'm feeling like today will be a lot better than the last couple of days in terms of not thinking of him constantly. He is very busy this week with school and sounds a bit overwhelmed. We are going to try to go to a movie together this weekend, if he has time with his studying.

The more I think about the J situation, the more I think that he is NOT into me in a romantic way. . . . much as I might wish he were. To be sure, he likes me as a person and wants to be friends with me. . . good friends, not just casual friends. I don't think there is more to it than that, though. I think any perceptions I've had that there might be more to his interest than friendship are primarily my projecting my own feelings onto him. . . .and maybe a little bit of wishful thinking and dwelling on our past relationship. Let's face it: it's been over 14 years since we dated. I'm pretty sure he, at least, has moved on. LOL

In an attempt to clear my head, I hit the treadmill for 20 minutes yesterday evening. I had a good workout: I actually jogged for 5 of the 20 minutes and worked up a good sweat. I must say, exercise helps. I also got up this morning and walked Sebastian for 20 minutes again. I'm going to keep that up: he needs his exercise as much as I do.

Gotta get to work!