What have I done?

206.8

I mentioned that I went ahead and signed up for the fitness boot camp starting October 6th. Now that I'm thinking about the reality of it, I'm regretting it. I have no clue how I'm going to manage to get up at 5:00 a.m. on Monday! I have a hard time getting out of bed before 7:00 these days!!

I've often lamented my lack of self-discipline and intrinsic motivation on this blog. Knowing that I apparently lack the capacity to self-motivate, let's focus on other things that will spur me to get up and go. First, I paid $199 for the four-week boot camp, and it will be totally throwing away my money if I don't go to each session. Second, MM will mock me unmercifully if I wimp out: he's already said that he thinks there's only a "50/50" chance that I'll actually follow through with this. Grrrr. . . .

I know from past experience that the desire to look better--whether in general or for a specific occasion like, say, a wedding--doesn't seem to motivate me. [sigh] I'm such a lazy slug.

I will say this: I have been hella tired for the past few days with no reason whatsoever. I actually had a very healthy day yesterday eating-wise. . . . that is, until I got home and decided to bake MM some chocolate chip cookies. . . . and ended up eating four(!) of them myself. DOH! You would think that the desire to have more energy would motivate me. . . .

Because I know I'm not sick or pregnant, I can only attribute my lack of energy to my eating and exercise habits, which have not been the best of late. I haven't gone to the gym since last Thursday, and the jury is still out on whether I'm going tonight: MM may want to skip to watch the VP debate, and it's doubtful that I'll hit the gym without him. (Yeah, yeah, I know I *could*.)

Well, the boot camp is only 12 sessions. I know I will get a benefit out of it. . . . hell, I might even end up enjoying it! Once it finally cools off here (say, like around Halloween?), I'd like to start hiking again, and I am in no shape to do that currently. There are so many good reasons to do this and only reason--laziness--not to!

On a sad note, I had to say goodbye last night to my friend KH and her family. They are moving to the DC area tomorrow because she's taken a cool new job with the federal appeals court there. I will miss them! It makes me really regret all the times I didn't take advantage of having them living 5 mintues away and spend more time with them. Ah well.

Work is the same old, same old. It's pretty hard to do a job that's 90% reading and writing when you're tired all the time. [sigh]

This weekend I have promised MM that I will spend time with him doing whatever he wants (in honor of his birthday coming up on Oct. 7). We are having dinner with his parents at Maggiano's on Saturday night and going shopping for new clothes for him on Sunday. Other than that, we have no definite plans, but I am at his mercy. ;-)

Gotta get back to work. . . .

Bleh

I feel icky today for some reason. I didn't eat breakfast before leaving for the office, so I thought that was the reason I felt faintly nauseated. . . . but now I've eaten lunch and still feel icky. Hrmph.

In addition to feeling physically sub-par, I just don't want to work today. I am slogging through some projects because I have deadlines and I have no choice. . . . but I'd like nothing better than to spend the whole day on the couch reading a good novel instead. ANYWAY. . . .

To update: my period showed up on Saturday, right on schedule, as predicted. I had a brief phone call from the RE's office yesterday afternoon to review the paperwork we had submitted and to confirm our initial consultation for October 14th. Apparently no actual testing will be done at the first visit; rather, we will meet with the doctor (who is very qualified and was voted one of the Best Doctors in Phoenix), and he will review our histories and design a "treatment plan" for us.

At this point, I am not at all planning to have any treatment, if by "treatment" they mean interventions that involve my shooting my body full of hormones. A friend of mine sought care from a RE a few years back, and she told me that her doctor didn't try to push them into doing intervention. But I've also heard the reverse from some people: that their doctors were suggesting IVF at the first appointment.

I intend to make it clear to the RE at the first appointment that there are definite limits to what MM and I will do in order to have a baby of our own and that we are primarily interested in getting tested to see if there are any problems that will prevent this from happening naturally.

I am in no way judging or criticizing those people who use advanced reproductive technology to get pregnant. I just don't think that it's something I can do. I am prone to mild depression anyway, so I certainly don't want to put drugs into my body that will alter my mood. And I have a job that requires me to be able to focus and concentrate; from what I've read, many fertility drugs have a negative impact on cognitive function.

So we shall see what happens. I have not entirely given up hope that we will get this done on our own before we even complete the diagnostic phase. I certainly hope that is the case.

Anyhoo. . . . I really need another obsession. Getting back on track with the healthier eating and exercise would be an obvious first choice, particularly since our planned wedding date is now less than two months away. . . but so far, I'm not feelin' it. (I also never feel icky like I do today when I'm eating low-carb and exercising.)

I'm going to do the fitness boot camp starting on Monday. Maybe that'll kick my a$$ into gear. . . .

Doc Holliday: December 2000 to September 2008

My sister V bought "Doc" from a pet store in March 2001. V bought Doc in the early stages of her relationship with her boyfriend (now husband) "D." The puppy was named after D's favorite Tombstone character, Doc Holliday.

When V bought Doc, he was a very cute black Lab/German Shepherd mix puppy, not more than 3 months old, who had been returned to the store by a previous owner. . . a not-so-bright fellow who thought keeping the puppy caged while he worked 15+ hours a day was a good idea. Not surprisingly, Doc had attempted to escape from the plastic kennel in which he was confined. I often ribbed V about her dog being a "return."

V's "Li'l Pup" lived with D at first because V's roommate at the time was allergic to dogs. (Ironically, the roommate later married a man who owned a dog, but that's another post.) Of course, V saw Doc regularly while he lived with D, and V moved in with D in May.

D had a dog of his own when they met (still does), and our family had dogs throughout our childhood, but Doc was the first dog who was V's own dog. Despite his separation anxiety and his typical canine bad habit of chewing up many, many things, including shoes, furniture, and window sills, V loved Doc almost as if he were her own child.

In return, Doc was very loyal to V. He followed V from room to room whenever she was at home and slept with her in the bed at night: no mean feat for a dog who was nearly 100 pounds full-grown! Doc liked few things better than being near his "mom" and getting petted.

Doc was a very energetic dog. Doc had that joie de vive that, though not universal, is unique to dogs. Every day was a pleasure and an opportunity for new adventures for him.

Doc loved life and lived it to its doggy fullest. He loved water, so he loved accompanying V and her family on trips to their Outer Banks beach house. When he visited my mom in Ohio, he fearlessly jumped off the boat dock into the lake near her home and swam until exhausted.

Doc could chase a frisbee for hours. On the day my sister graduated from law school in May 2002, he did just that, keeping every guest who was willing to throw the frisbee occupied throughout her graduation party. At one point in his life, his obsession with the frisbee grew to the point where the frisbee could not be referred to by its real name unless the person mentioning it wanted to go outside and throw it for him. You couldn't even spell out f-r-i-s-b-e-e because he knew what that meant, too!

Doc also loved his toys. Each day when his people returned home, he would greet them with a toy in his mouth. . . or a shoe, if no toy was handy. Once my nephew Rowan arrived, Doc thought that Rowan's stuffed toys were his, too, and could often be found carrying them in his mouth.

As Rowan has begun to feed himself, Doc would often station himself near his high chair so that he'd be ready to receive the tidbits of food that Rowan would either drop or throw down for him. Like all dogs, Doc liked people food. He was especially fond of Chik Fil A chicken nuggets, and V often bought them for him as a treat.

Our father says he will remember the way that Doc used to stare at you intently when he wanted your attention and the endearing way he had of getting you to let him out. He would jump around excitedly until you said the word "out" or "outside." Then he would run halfway to the door and back until he was sure that you were really going to let him out.

In 2006, Doc had to undergo surgery on both his back legs within several months due to degenerative arthritis. The surgeries, akin to total knee replacements in humans, each required 6-8 weeks of recovery during which Doc could not run or jump. In addition to the pain and temporary limitations on Doc's activity, the surgeries were expensive: each cost nearly $3000. Yet even after having gone through the first surgery, knowing the expense, V didn't hesitate to get the second surgery when Doc needed it later the same year. (After the second surgery, in an homage to the 70's TV show "The Six Million Dollar Man," V took to referring to Doc jokingly--but accurately--as "the Six Thousand Dollar Dog.")

Both Doc's surgeries were successful, and after recovering from them, he was once again able to run and jump. V has noticed over the past months, though, that activities that used to come easily to Doc have been getting more difficult for him: he has a harder time getting on and off the bed and often lets out an audible grunt on landing. Doc's vet told them a few weeks ago that the arthritis in Doc's legs continues to progress in spite of his surgeries and that they could expect him to be in an increasing amount of pain.

Like the loss of any cherished friend, Doc's passing will leave a void for V that will not easily--if ever--be filled.

Hope

Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.
--Friedrich Nietzsche

Since I gave up hope, I feel a lot better.
--Steve Taylor

Prior to meeting MM, falling in love with MM, and beginning to believe that I would build a life with MM, I had given up hope of ever having my own child. I'd actually given up that hope twice. The first time was when I decided to change careers at age 30 while still unmarried and childless; I realized that this choice greatly decreased the likelihood that I would be in a position to focus on motherhood. I gave it up again when my relationship with SL ended; I truly believed at that time, based on my relationship history, that it would be years before I would fall in love again, and I thought that there was a strong possibility I wouldn't ever marry. Single motherhood has never much appealed to me: being a parent is one of the hardest things in the world, and I couldn't fathom choosing to do it alone!

I have always had a strong mothering instinct and knew that eventually it would have to find an outlet other than Golden Retrievers. I had a vague plan in my mind that once I had reached my early-to-mid 40s and all prospect of my own, biological child was passed, I would adopt a child from foster care. Baby or slightly older child: it didn't much matter to me. Until then, I would devote myself to developing my career, spending time with friends, and pursuing hobbies.

However. . . I fell in love with a man who wants a child of his own. And while I had put that dream out of my mind prior to meeting him, apparently I had never totally given up on the idea because it was readily revived once I knew that it was again a possibility. I was happy, eager to revive it.

Thus the hope of having a child of my own was reborn. And to tell you the truth, since that hope has returned, I've felt worse than when I had just accepted that it would likely never happen.

I have written here before about our decision to stop using birth control and our efforts to get me pregnant. My period is due tomorrow, and every sign is pointing toward it arriving right on schedule yet again. For six cycles--just over five months--MM and I have done everything "right," but I'm still not pregnant.

I know, I know: five months really isn't that long--especially at my age!--and "God will bless us when He thinks the time is right." "Some people try for years!" BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. We should "just relax"! I haven't told many people of our efforts; in spite of that fact, I've pretty much heard every imaginable platitude already in regard to our failure to conceive to date.

I'm sure that there aren't appreciably more babies or pregnant women in the world today than there were six months ago. . . but I am now acutely aware of both in a way that I wasn't before. Thank God I have not yet reached the point where I cannot be happy when a friend or family member announces her own pregnancy. . . but I fear I am moving in that direction. (I am already bitter when I hear that one of the felons MM supervises has fathered another child, primarily because these pregnancies are almost invariably unintended and unwanted.)

Technically, I am not "infertile," as infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after trying for a year. (Some doctors say six months of trying if you're over 35, as I am.) Even by the looser, six-month standard, I won't be "infertile" unless we don't conceive this coming cycle. In spite of that fact, I have already scheduled a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist (an OB/GYN specializing in the treatment of reproductive disorders) for us; the appointment is on October 14th.

By the time the appointment arrives, we will be just days shy of six months of "trying." While I fear that something is wrong with either MM or I that is preventing us from making a baby, I fear almost equally that nothing is wrong, except that I am old to be trying for a first pregnancy. If we find out that something is wrong that cannot be fixed, what then? If we find out that NOTHING is wrong, I guess we just keep "trying"?

I regularly visit a website on which I chart my cycles, and that website has message boards. From visiting these message boards, I am well aware that many women have had (and are having) a more difficult journey to parenthood than I have had thus far. My own sister "tried" for over two years before conceiving her son, and I know more than one person who has had to have IVF in order to become a mom.

BUT. . . knowing that other people have it worse than I do has never been a solace to me in any other area of my life, and it's not a solace to me here. I'm only five months in, and I'm already thoroughly sick of this.

Sometimes I wish I had never revived my hope for a child. I was much more contented when I had set it aside.

Another stolen meme

My favorite age: hmmm. I'll say "in my 30s," because it's been my best decade yet and I can't pick just one year in there!
My best friend: MM would want me to say him, but I'd say KC. . . unless canines qualify, and then it'd be Sebastian.
My celebrity crush: Conor Jackson of the Arizona Diamondbacks
My defining characteristic: Intelligence
My most evil moment: Hmmm. I honestly can't think of anything I've done that I'd classify as "evil."
My favorite food: green chile chicken enchiladas (with hot genuine Hatch green chiles)
My grossest injury: I sliced into my left index finger a little over a year ago while cutting an avocado.
My biggest hatred: stupid people.
My most illegal activity: letting my dog run in the park unleashed (yeah, I'm a rebel).
My need for justice: I am outraged by anyone who harms a child!
My most knowledgeable field: oddly enough, I'd say relationships.
My life’s goal: to make a difference.
My mother’s influence: she taught me to make lists and to never forget to commemorate loved ones' birthdays and special occasions with a card.
My nerdiest point: Uh. . . my whole life I've been nerdy! I guess I'll say high school.
My oldest memory: at age 2, sitting on the back stoop of the house I lived in from age 2 to age 5 after being punished for having a potty-training "accident."
My perfect date: Being with someone who makes me laugh and talking into the wee hours. . . the setting wouldn't matter much.
My unanswered question: Why are we here?
My random fact: I like raisins, but hate raisin bread.
My stupidest decision: not breaking up with SL when I first knew he had a drinking problem.
My favorite television show: Friends
My style of underwear: Hip huggers
My favorite vegetable: Zucchini
My weakest trait: I am overly critical and have unrealistically high expectations of people and situations.
My X-men power: time travel
My strongest yearning: in general, to live a life of purpose. I also yearn to be a mother.
My moment of Zen: petting Sebastian in the evenings.

Wake me up when September ends

207.6 (ugh)

I haven't written an entry for a while. . . primarily because I don't really have much about which to write. Life is clipping along pretty much as normal.

My eating has been so-so. I am complying with the Core plan about half the time. Unfortunately, I am probably consuming in excess of the 35 points allowed for the week of non-Core foods, and I know I'm not eating enough fruits & veggies (though I'm making an effort). I went to the grocery store on Monday night and bought healthful provisions. . . but I've still not been 100% Core-compliant.

I had three consecutive weeks when I couldn't make it to my usual Weight Watchers meeting due to the move, depositions, etc. So now I haven't gone to a meeting in four weeks. But my work friend (who goes with me) and I plan to go back next Tuesday.

MM and I are doing our usual 3-times-a-week workouts. Each session I do 25-30 minutes on either the elliptical trainer or the treadmill and some upper body work: either assisted pull-ups and triceps dips or free weights. Nothing new or exciting.

I am at the point in my cycle where I should know within the next few days whether I am pregnant or not. I am guessing that I'm not--no pessimism, just realistic knowledge of the odds per cycle--and if that is the case, I've decided that I am going to do that fitness boot camp this next month. (It'd probably be safe to do even if I were pregnant, but I wouldn't want to take any chances.)

The fitness boot camp starts on Monday October 6. I will do it three days a week at 5:30 a.m. (ugh!), and continue my three days a week of gym workouts with MM. Surely six days a week of exercise should make me lose some weight!! I know there is no way I'd get up that early on my own to exercise. . . but somehow I think that if I spend my hard-earned money on it, I will do it.

Our spa is nearing completion! The company called MM today to tell him that there is only one more step in the construction process. They expect it to be finished by the end of the week.

I'll be really glad when the spa is done. . . not only because I want to see how it turns out--and use it, of course--but because then the landscapers can get started. Once the landscaping is done and our ceiling fans are installed (Friday morning), the house will be "finished" except for buying a few more decorative items for the great room. (We did already order some art for one of the walls.)

What else to share? I spent all day last Saturday in Tucson. I drove up to visit M, the little girl with whom I volunteer. She is going through yet another difficult transition in her young life, so I will be seeing her more often for a while. I got to briefly see a couple of friends, too, while I was in town.

Today I am getting an hour-long massage after work. I need it! I am also meeting my friend C for dinner. It'll be good to see her: she is pregnant and gets bigger each time we get together. ;-)

This weekend will be spent de-cluttering/cleaning at my old apartment; working (I'm hella behind); and having a night out with some friends of MM's. Probably slightly more drudgery than fun, but some weekends are like that.

Hard to believe it's almost October. . . .

Boot camp?

207.2 (better)

Not much to report. A big case that I've been involved in settled yesterday. It was a very good outcome for our client. That case was responsible for a lot of my billing in May and June especially and would've resulted in lots more billables in a few months if we'd gone to trial. But it was a case that needed to be settled: a verdict at trial could've been in the tens of millions of dollar.

Construction on our spa started yesterday, a day ahead of schedule. I'll be excited when it's complete and the landscaping can be done. The yards look pretty crappy at the moment: they are both just plain reddish-brown dirt.

I hit the gym with MM last night as planned. I am considering signing up for a 4-week boot camp. There is one starting on October 6. If I go three days a week (MWF), it will cost just over $200. I think that might be just what I need to kick my a$$ into gear. And I could still work out with MM on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday or Sunday.

The main downside to the boot camp? It starts at 5:30 a.m. Ugh. On the other hand, though, it would give me plenty of time to get done, get home, and get to work, even on days when I have an early meeting or hearing.

That's about the news here. Nothing really exciting going on! No news is good news, I guess. ;-)

One week

209.2 [sigh]

It's depressing how just one week of poor food choices and less exercise than usual can lead to a significant gain. . . . while one week of "good" behavior rarely goes far.

It's been 6 days since we moved in to our house. In those 6 days, I've eaten out much more than usual and not made all healthy choices. I've only made it to the gym once. On some days, I haven't even had enough water. . . which is a healthy habit I usually maintain even when I'm not trying to lose weight.

I am slowly getting back on track, but I do mean slowly. I skipped breakfast this morning because I needed to come to work earlier than usual. Now it's 9:15, I'm starving, and the office is serving breakfast pastries in honor of those with September birthdays at 10:00. Yeah, I could say that I'm going to pass on the pastries and eat some of the instant oatmeal I have in my drawer. . . but I'd be kidding myself. I'm gonna have pastries.

Well, I did bring a healthy lunch, and MM and I will be going to the gym this evening. (We've had to switch to a different gym location, though, and I'm not sure yet how busy it is at 7:00 pm.) Dinner will likely be a healthier option, too. So as I say, slowly getting back on track.

I've felt much more sluggish and unfocused since allowing lots of carbs to creep back into my diet, too. You would think that this would spur me to go back to eating Core/SB style. . . but I just haven't put in the planning that's required.

Other than eating/exercise, life is fine. We are pretty much settled into our new house. The only "must buy" items left are art for the living room and master bedroom. (I already own lots of things that I like, but MM wants us to choose things together that we will both like.) Ground-breaking on our spa should start this week. Work is busy, but not crazy.

This coming weekend I will likely be going to Tucson to visit my CASA child. There has been some drama there, but nothing I can write about on my blog. Suffice it to say that this poor 8-year-old girl is going through yet another difficult transition in her young life. Sunday MM and I may go to his parents' house for dinner. No other plans made, and I doubt I'll have time for much else.

Oh, I did want to mention one thing: I found sparkly flip-flops to match the dress I bought for the wedding! I actually bought 2 pairs because I couldn't decide between two styles. Together the 2 pairs of flip-flops cost just over $5. My entire wedding outfit is going to be less than $40! LOL

I am blessed

I will admit that I was in a bit of a mood earlier today for absolutely no good reason. My mood turned out to be nothing that a day of no work, having Indian food for lunch, and a pedicure couldn't cure.

As I am sitting around our new house waiting on MM to get home, I started thinking how very blessed I am. I spend a lot of time thinking/kvetching about things I don't have or that haven't gone my way, but spend very little time thinking about the ways in which I am extremely fortunate. Many of the good things in my life have come to me at least in part through my own efforts: my job, our new house and furniture, Sebastian, even--to some degree--my friends. But some of the good things I have in my life can only be described as gifts; they came to me through no effort on my part.

A few examples:

**I have always had the base of a happy childhood because I grew up in a home with parents who loved and cared for me and didn't abuse or neglect me. Not once in my childhood did I ever go to sleep cold, hungry, or afraid. I always had a comfortable and safe house in which to live, clothes to wear, food to eat, and the knowledge that I was loved. That fact alone sets me apart from many people I know.

**My father's mother lived with us from the time I was 1 until I was 17. In addition to being a loving and positive force in my life, she was a woman of deep faith who had lived most of her life during a very different time. . . almost in a different world. I can't even begin to explain the ways in which she shaped my growth; I still think of her almost every day, and she's been gone for nearly 20 years.

**I have a sister who is now one of my closest friends. I didn't always value her presence in my life when we were children, and like many children, wished at times that I could have been the only one. I certainly have appreciated my sister since we have been grown. (I hope I've shown her this enough!)

**Learning always came easily to me; as a result, school was always more of a joy than a chore. My love of school is what allowed me to go back and pursue my second career at age 30. . . a career that has brought me much more intellectual fulfillment and greater earnings.

**I was born in the United States. When I stop and think about the rights and privileges that are mine solely as a result of this happy accident, I am humbled. As much as I (& many of my friends) complain about what is wrong with this country, I can think of only a handful of others in which I would be willing to live my life.

**I am healthy. Yes, I now have high cholesterol and have always struggled with my weight. I will probably continue to struggle with both for the rest of my life. But I wake up nearly every morning feeling good, with no pain, and my body has been able to do just about everything I've demanded of it so far.

Yes, I have done what I can to make "the right choices" in my life. . . but many of the things that are probably most responsible for my happiness are things that I didn't--couldn't--choose at all.

Bullet Point Friday

206.8 (sigh)

I am feeling wholly unmotivated to work today. I brought about 8-10 hours' worth of stuff home with me yesterday so that I could "work from home" today; so far, aside from responding to emails I've done zero. It's not the end of the world, but it *does* mean I will have to catch up on this crap over the weekend. NOT good!

We are basically moved into our house. Furniture and appliances were delivered yesterday, so now it feels like we actually live here.

Projects still to be completed: ceiling fans (to be installed next week); garage door opener (to be installed Monday); partially in-ground spa (breaking ground early next week and will take 2-3 weeks to complete); and landscaping (cannot be started until spa is complete). I have a few little items to buy for the house, but nothing major.

Because of lack of time (& my stress level), I left quite a bit of stuff behind at my old apartment to sort through "later." The pain in the ass thing about that is that I am now going to have to set aside a half day on 3-4 weekends to go and deal with all that crap. I guess at the time I figured it would be better to spread out the suffering and not deal with it all at once as we were scrambling to get ready for our move. But now that we are in the new house, I'm over it and don't want to deal with it! Oh well. No one else is going to take care of this for me, so I've just got to suck it up and do it.

I've got to get back on track with the Core plan. I've skipped Weight Watchers the past two weeks, and I've been eating out a lot the past few days, mainly because we didn't have a refrigerator until yesterday afternoon. Must stop the regain that is happening before it gets out of control. . .

Yesterday I felt strangely tense and disconnected all day. I am chalking it up to the move and all the stress related to that. I'm sure it's not relationship related because spending the evening with MM actually made me feel less tense and disconnected.

A completely random aside: I ordered the Furminator from drugstore.com just before the move and used it on Sebastian just before he went to stay with my future in-laws. It's appropos of nothing, but I couldn't resist including a photo of all the hair I got off!

About the house photos: our carpet color looks off in the photo of the great room where Sebastian is seen on the left side. . . but I included it anyway because he's in it. The colors in the other photos are much more true-to-life.

Movin' on up

(forgot to weigh--oops!)

Lots going on today! MM and I had our walk-through at the new house this morning, and it went well. There are a few minor things--mostly cosmetic--that need to be repaired, but not much. Our home inspector only found a handful of things, too, so it shouldn't take long for the builder to fix them.

I am super excited about moving in! NOT super excited about the process--because everyone knows how much moving sucks A$$--but thrilled to be living in our new home. It's even nicer for me because I've never owned my own home before, I've never lived in a brand-new house, and I've never moved into any home knowing that I could stay as long as I wanted (and would likely stay at least 5-6 years). Woohoo!

The movers will be at my apartment between 7:30 and 8:00 tomorrow morning, and there are several things that need to happen before then. I have a few things left to pack, and we are taking Sebastian to stay with MM's parents this evening so that he'll be out of the way during the move and all the deliveries and installations over the next two days. (I'm going to miss my boy!) Plus MM and I need to get organized because quite a few things in my apartment are not going to the new house. . . or at least aren't going tomorrow with the movers. (One way of slightly reducing my workload and stress level related to the move has been that we have decided to pay out my lease--which ends in November--instead of breaking it. The cost to us is the same, and this will allow me to deal with odds and ends and everything that I'm giving away in the next 8-9 weeks.)

After supervising the loading of my belongings tomorrow morning, I will drive up to our new community and pick up our keys while MM accompanies the movers to his storage room to get his stuff. I plan to take a few of my more valuable or fragile items with me in my car and will move them in while I wait for MM and the movers to arrive. Specifically, I really need to make sure that my computer and modem are there and turned on in the appropriate room before the cable guy arrives; I can't go too long without my internet connection, especially if I need to work from home.

I will likely end up spending the entire day at the house and not going to work at all. It'll likely be close to noon by the time the movers are done. We're expecting the cable guy and someone from the gas company in the afternoon, and I want to get as much unpacking done as possible. (In typical fashion, MM thinks we should get all the unpacking done on Wednesday.)

MM will be taking Thursday off as well because there are more deliveries scheduled: refrigerator, washer/dryer, new sectional for great room, ceiling fans, and a few other things I can't remember at the moment. He's so good to take care of all this for us!

Will update again soon. . .

Bling bling

Big day

207.2 (grumble, grumble)

To first address my weight above: I went more than a little overboard with some whole wheat pasta last night. . . I meant to eat two servings (bad enough) and ate about 3 1/2 servings instead. I felt uncomfortably full afterwards and wondered (for about the gazillionth time) why I had done it.

Anyway. . . the scale is usually up the morning after I overeat, so I'm not too stressed out about. I have made healthy choices so far today, and not coincidentally, have not felt overstuffed and icky.

MM is coming to my office to meet me in less than an hour. We will be going to pick up our rings, then going to the title company to pre-sign all the documents for our house closing! Our house is supposed to be completed today. Our walk-through is on Tuesday morning, and we will be able to pick up our keys first thing Wednesday morning. Exciting!!

I will take a photo or two of my engagement ring this evening and post them on the blog for my readers' enjoyment. ;-) I love my ring, but it is really basic and not very difficult to envision: it's a simple, white gold, 6-prong setting with a 1-carat round solitaire diamond. No sidestones, no baguettes, nothing fancy. It suits me perfectly. (Although I would've loved to get another sapphire ring instead, MM wouldn't hear of it. . . and I guess that would've been poor form, given the fact that the engagement ring SL gave me was a sapphire.)

I am not a fancy girl: I rarely wear makeup, don't dress up much, and don't wear a lot of jewelry. I'm not sure if this is because of my personality (logical and practical), the fact that I was raised by my dad after age 9, or because of all my years as a nurse when those behaviors were not particularly desirable (my BFF is a hospital nurse and wears makeup daily and loves to dress up and accessorize with jewelry).

For these reasons--and because the style I chose is classic and will never look dated--I wanted a relatively plain and unadorned style for my engagement ring. I just think it fits me better.

After getting the rings and signing our papers, MM and I hope to go up and look at the house one more time informally before next week's walk-through.

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relaxed

206.8

So obviously things are sh1tty on the weight loss front, and I started my period today. . . . but otherwise life is actually pretty good!

I had a bit of a rough weekend eating-wise. Even so, I was proud of myself simply because it could've been so much worse. I have made some progress in improving my eating habits, and even if they're slow, baby steps, I'll take it.

I had my first relaxing weekend in a long time. I was determined not to keep myself on a tight timeframe for anything, not to go to work or think/stress about work, and not to force myself to do any household chores. . . . simply because it'd been way too long since I just relaxed and because I know it'll be a while before I get to do so again.

Mission accomplished! MM met friends C and her husband C for the Diamondbacks game on Friday night, and the team actually won handily (9-3?). I had chicken nachos, which sounds bad. . . but actually, I usually have a hot dog AND nachos AND ice cream later, so that was actually a "healthy" choice, relative to my usual choices.

Pre-game, MM officially proposed to me. We have known for a while that we are going to get married--and have even booked a little wedding package in Maui for the day after Thanksgiving--but he wanted to actually ASK me before he bought me an engagement ring. Very sweet.

Saturday MM and I went to the gym; visited my friend KH's new baby; and went engagement ring shopping. MM bought me a lovely diamond solitaire. The diamond is being mounted and the ring sized this week; we will pick it up on Friday afternoon. We also bought our wedding bands, so that was all pretty exciting.

We also visited our house on Saturday, and I took several pictures. It is still a bit of a work-in-progress, but it's getting there! Just a couple of photos for now:


Aside from a few little details, the main things still needed appear to be the paint and the carpeting. I'm excited to see the finished product! ;-)

Sunday MM and I saw The House Bunny (save your $$; a rental at best) and had dinner with his parents at a local pizzeria.

Monday I had a massage in the morning. Then KC and I had lunch and went shopping. I resisted the urge to buy about 5 shirts I loved at Macy's--I reminded myself that I'd just spent nearly $800 on MM's wedding band on Saturday--although I did buy one that was on sale for less than $20. Best of all, I bought a very cute dress to wear for our li'l beach wedding. Finding a dress that was right for the occasion has been difficult: I don't want to wear a wedding dress, and I don't want anything too dressy. I had certain colors in mind, too. Add to all that the fact that I'm currently wearing a size 16--which makes shopping for anything more difficult because many designers only go to size 14 and even the "big girls" stores are often sold out of 16--and I am totally psyched to have found a dress.

And even better: it was on major reduction! The sale price was about 80% off the original price. Yes!

Ironic to think that I paid nearly $600 (if you include alterations) for a dress for my wedding to SL that I never wore and ended up donating to charity. . . . and I paid $29.99+tax for this dress that doesn't even need alterations! Hell, I paid more for some items in my current summer wardrobe than I did for this dress.

Anyhoo. . . . I love it when a plan comes together. Now all I have to do is buy some sequined flip-flops, and I'm all set for my beach wedding.

Work is still hella busy and will be for the foreseeable future. Oh well: job security. I'm just taking one day at a time with it because mentally I can't handle thinking too far ahead! ;-) And that's all I have to do say about that. . .

Life is good. Truly. And the fact that I can say that even though my period is here and the scale is up highlights how true it is.

Just had to share. . . .

203.8

I hope this will encourage me not to overeat this weekend like I did last weekend!!

I really, really want to get under 200. I know it's just a number on a scale, but it would be such a mental boost: I haven't been consistently under 200 since a few months after taking the bar exam in 2004.

Stress? Eh, only 216 points' worth

It's no secret that I've been feeling stressed of late. While taking a mental break to surf the internet tonight, I google'd "stressful life events" and came across the following list compiled in order from most to least stressful common occurrences. (I've bolded the items that I have either experienced in the past year or will be experiencing within the next three months.)

1. Death of a spouse: 100 Points
2. Divorce: 73 Points
3. Marital Separation: 65 Points
4. Jail Term: 63 Points
5. Death of Close Family Member: 63 Points
6. Personal Injury or Illness: 53 Points
7. Marriage: 50 Points
8. Job Firing: 47 Points
9. Marital Reconciliation: 45 Points
10. Retirement: 45 Points
11. Change in Health Of A Family Member: 44 Points
12. Pregnancy: 44 Points
13. Sexual Difficulties: 39 Points
14. Gain of a New Family Member: 39 Points
15. Business Readjustment: 39 Points
16. Change in Financial State: 38 Points
17. Death of a Close Friend: 37 Points
18. Change to a Different Line Of Work: 36 Points
19. Change in Number Of Arguments With Spouse: 35 Points
20. Mortgage More Than $50,000: 31 Points
21. Foreclosure: 30 Points
22. Change in Responsibilities at Work: 29 Points
23. Departure of Son or Daughter From Home: 29 Points
24. Trouble with In-laws: 29 Points
25. Outstanding Personal Achievement: 28 Points
26. Spouse’s Beginning Or Stopping Work: 26 Points
27. Beginning or Ending of School: 26 Points
28. Change in Living Conditions: 25 Points
29. Change of Personal Habits: 24 Points
30. Trouble With Boss: 23 Points
31. Change in Work Hours or Conditions: 20 Points
32. Change in Residence: 20 Points
33. Change in Schools: 20 Points
34. Change in Recreation: 19 Points
35. Change in Church Activities: 19 Points
36. Change in Social Activities: 18 Points
37. Mortgage or Loan Less Than $50,000: 17 Points
38. Change in Sleeping Habits: 16 Points
39. Change in Numbers of Family Gatherings: 15 Points
40. Change in Eating Habits: 15 Points
41. Vacation: 13 Points
42. Christmas: 12 Points

I am struck by the fact that many things most of us few as positive--like marriage, vacation, Christmas, even "outstanding personal achievement"--are ranked in the 42 most stressful life events. Hmmm.

Even though I only scored 216, this may explain why I am stressed even though life is good. And by the way: I think there should be 20 extra points for being a lawyer in private practice. ;-)

By the look of this list, I better do all I can to keep MM around once we're married: death, divorce, and marital separation are the top three! Eek!

Must post one more thing

Today is a very auspicious day because it marks 6 years that Sebastian has been my dog.

I couldn't ask for a better canine companion! I am so lucky to have him.

This is a photo of him when he was younger, before he started getting the gray face.

Free floating anxiety

207.8 (ugh! was 205 yesterday!)

I had a pretty productive weekend, with a little bit of fun mixed in. MM and I went to see the Dave Matthews Band in concert on Saturday; the show was fun. We met my friends M and J from Tucson for dinner beforehand, too, and it was good to see them.

Friday evening MM and I drove up and had dinner in our new 'hood and visited our new house. It's fun to see the progress each time we go there. The tile in the bathrooms and kitchen had just been put down, so we were able to get an idea of how it looks (although a lot of it was covered with brown paper. . . for protection, I guess). The house is not painted or carpeted yet. I'm really looking forward to seeing the finished product soon!

Saturday I spent a few hours at my office doing legal research and beginning to write a motion for summary judgment--the first of four I have to write before October 5. I didn't get as far as I'd hoped on the research or the writing, so that project will be taking up much of time early this week, in addition to two other projects with fast-approaching deadlines. Ugh. I had hoped to spend some time this week continuing to get caught up on some back-burnered work, but it's not looking hopeful.

Sunday KC came over and helped me go through all the various stuff I had stored in my closets. Quite a few of the items I have been carting around with me literally since college--a few even since high school! I got rid of a lot of stuff: threw away four bags of trash and old cards/letters; gathered six large boxes of stuff to be given away to charity; and reorganized the (few) items I felt I couldn't part with.

All this sorting and tossing took nearly four hours, but I felt much better for having done it! KC was surprised at some of the things I got rid of, because one excuse I'd made for years for holding on to a lot of it was "I'll use this someday when I have a house of my own." It seemed odd to her that now that I am on the verge of finally having a house of my own, I would suddenly decide to part with these items.

I can certainly understand why she was confused. I can only explain it this way: most of the things I'd saved were, at one time, things that I envisioned having in a house of my own. But now I'm no longer dreaming and planning for a theoretical house; now I am buying an actual house that MM and I will share together. Now that I know where and what my house is, I am letting go of the theoretical dream house I've always had in the back of my mind and embracing the real house. . . and realizing that many of the items I'd saved are not things that I want to have in this real-life house.

After Sunday's flurry of activity, with the exception of three boxes in my bedroom that I still need to sort through and toss/reorganize, the only things that remain to be packed for me are the usual things that most normal people would have to pack for a move: bathroom and kitchen stuff, a few knick-knacks, clothes. I feel confident that I can get this done--with MM's help!--prior to our move on 9/10.

I have been feeling mildly anxious ever since I woke up this morning. Not exactly sure why, but it may simply be all that I have going on at work and at home. You'd think that my anxiety about work would spur me to get some sh1t done. . . but you'd be wrong! I've been procrastinating all morning.

OK, enough putting off the inevitable! I'm going to get to work. . . .

I think I'm defective

There's been something on my mind that I've been hesitant to blog about. Today, for reasons that are unclear to me, I've decided f$^k it! What the hell is the point in my having a blog if I can't vent my feelings here? Geesh.

Back when I made the decision in mid-April , I wrote about the fact that I stopped taking birth control pills (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2008/04/ready.html). I initially went off the pill to let my body return to normal and "gather data" (if you will) about my cycles before MM and I would actively try to get pregnant sometime this fall. As part of my data collection process, I began taking my temperature daily and charting on a well-known website for same (fertilityfriend.com). After a couple of cycles, I decided to add ovulation prediction kits to the mix, just to "get more information" about what my body is doing.

Somewhere between the initial decision to go off the pill in preparation for trying to get pregnant in the fall and today, this enterprise has morphed into MM actively trying to get me pregnant ASAP. I don't know if this is due to MM's desire for instant gratification; my inability to "let go" and not plan things; or the misguided belief we both had that pregnancy happens to people who don't use birth control almost immediately or some combination of these . . . . but my fertility has become a frequent topic of conversation between MM and me and between my closest friends and me, too.

Let me not make this sound as though it's primarily MM's doing. No, I have been wholly complicit in the evolution of the current state of affairs.

As I am now mid-way through my fifth cycle off birth control, I have already come to the realization that I am obviously not one of these women who becomes pregnant at the drop of a hat. At the risk of over-sharing. . . . MM and I have sex almost every day, at least 6 days a week.

I think most people would believe that two adults who have almost daily sex without any form of protection would soon find themselves in a family way. Well, I'm here to tell you: 'tain't so! I know for a fact that MM and I had sex during my "fertile window" the past four months (& this month, but it's too soon to know the outcome there), and I am not pregnant.

All my adult life, I have labored (ha! pun!) under the misconception (ha! another pun!) that unprotected sex would result almost immediately in a pregnancy. I have been extra-careful over many years to take my pill every day and on time, to use condoms, and to keep track of my periods. I have spent sleepless nights worrying on the rare occasions when I didn't use protection for some reason. I am beginning to wonder why I wasted the time, money, and effort on birth control. . . .

I've read the statistics on chances of achieving pregnancy naturally after age 35: according to the most recent study done, 60% of couples will succeed after one year of trying and 85% of couples will achieve pregnancy after two years of trying. We are certainly not outside the norm in having tried for four months and not achieved a pregnancy. I guess I was under the mistaken belief that I would be one of these women who somehow manages to remain super-fertile well into her mid-30's. My thoughts in that regard were not entirely without foundation: both my grandmothers had pregnancies after age 35; my mom and aunt both had unplanned pregnancies, attesting to the fertility of the women in our family.

At this point, I've moved beyond simply being annoyed at not getting near-instant gratification to being genuinely concerned at my lack of fecundity. I'm sure that my advanced age is a factor in this, but I can't help also wondering if something more is wrong, either with me or with MM. That possibility concerns me a great deal.

Neither of us is willing to go to the limits of medical science in order to become parents: we are both opposed to the idea of IVF (not to mention not wanting to spend $10K+ for the mere possibility of having a child); I am unwilling to do anything that involves shooting my body full of hormones (let's face it: I have enough trouble coping with daily life some days as it is!). MM is not particularly interested in the idea of adopting; the primary aim of becoming a parent for him is to have his own child who is genetically related to him. Because we both place significant limitations on the way in which we are willing to become parents, some of the options that might otherwise be available as a path to parenthood for a couple who cannot conceive naturally will not be open to us.

Meanwhile, all around us, people are getting pregnant and having babies. Just since I went off the pill--only a little over 4 months--three friends have announced their pregnancies and two have given birth. MM's surveillance officer partner's wife is pregnant with their second child. . . and the felons who MM supervises are regularly impregnating their partners. (MM was telling me last week that one of his probationers has been out of jail only 3 weeks and has already managed to knock up his girlfriend. They are both 19, and she has one child already with a different father.)

Although I've been overweight to some degree or another my entire adult life, I've always had a perception of myself as healthy. My "failure" to get pregnant quickly and easily has shaken that perception.

Also, I've never before had a goal that I can really do little to work toward. MM and I have done everything "right" for four months: well-timed intercourse; I've totally given up alcohol and nearly completely given up caffeine; I've been eating healthfully and exercising regularly; I take daily multivitamins and fish oil supplements. And still nothing.

ANYWAY. . . . I am not looking for advice on how to maximize our chances of conception--God knows, I have devoted hours to research of this subject over the past few months, so I doubt there's much anyone reading this can tell me that I don't already know. I am CERTAINLY not looking for anyone to tell me "relax, it'll happen." (In fact, I'd be apt to bitch-slap anyone who tells me this or its corollary: "it'll happen when you least expect it!" Please.)

Just wanted to get these feelings out there.

Stolen from my favorite sister. . . .

206.0

1. How old will you be in 3 birthdays? 40--eek!

2. Do you think you'll be married by then? Yes

3. Who was the last person you called, and who called you last? apartment maintenance; my BFF KC

4. Have you ever played a team sport? Yes

5. Who was the last person to text you? My BFF KC

6. Current thoughts? Late for work again. . . .

7. What were you doing at midnight? Sleeping.

8. What happened at 11:00 a.m. today? Nothing yet! It's just past 8:00 a.m. here.

9. How many states have you visited? Hmmm. 37 or 38?

10. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be? On a tropical beach somewhere with a rum drink in my hand

11. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Bare feet

12. Are you a social person? Yes

13. What was the last thing you drank? Water

14. What is your favorite drink? Water

15. What is your favorite dessert? Chocolate cake with chocolate ganache

16. What are your favorite color/s? Blue

17. What jelly do you put on your PBJ? Any kind of berry, typically strawberry

18. Do you like coffee? Yes

19. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average? 10

20. What do you drink in the morning? Water. Occasionally a caffe latte

21. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue ring? Without. I don't care for piercings, other than in the ear.

22. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Right side

23. Do you know how to play poker? Yes

24. What's so good about Fridays? I get my paycheck every other Friday!

25. Any plans for this week? Draft a motion for summary judgment, Dave Matthews Band concert, do a major sort-and-toss of all closets

26. How big is your TV? Mine is 19". MM's is 50".

27. Ever stolen a street sign? Nope.

28. Do you keep a piggy bank? Yes, for spare change.

29. What kind of camera do you have? Olympus digital

30. Have you ever been in an ambulance? As a nurse, not as a patient.

31. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? Ocean

32. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? Aisle

33. Do you know how to drive a stick shift? Yes: I owned a manual for 11.5 years.

34. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? Taking trips

35. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? No

36. Can you roll your tongue? Yes

37. What should you be doing now? Getting ready for work.

38. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No

39. What is the main ring tone on your phone? Standard phone ring

40. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? Yes

41. What is the color of your bedroom walls? White (I'm a renter!)

42. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth? Yes

43. Do you like someone right now? No, I hate everyone. (WTF kind of question is this? I'm not 12!)

44. Do you currently hate someone? Not that I can think of.

45. Where are your best friends? All over the western U.S.!

I think this was supposed to be a 50-item list, so 5 somehow got lost along the way. . . .

I will survive

206.0

Beginning yesterday evening and lasting into late morning today, I was feeling depressed. After engaging in some self-analysis over the course of the morning--and drinking a caffe latte--I believe that the source of my funk is simply my feeling overwhelmed. A brief breakdown of what's going in my life:

1. I am hella busy at work and behind on my billables for the second month in a row. Yes, I see the irony in having a lot to do and yet not billing enough hours. It's called procrastination and a lack of self-discipline, people!
2. In addition to the fact that I need to bill more hours, I have to draft four motions for summary judgment in the next 6 weeks. (For those non-lawyers who read this blog, translate this into hours of research, writing, and picking through disclosed evidentiary documents for support for every fact I must write about.) Actually, #2 will end up helping me up my billables, so eventually a good thing, but more work in the short-term when I don't have time for it!
3. MM and I have bought a new house and are having to arrange many things for the house: landscaping, spa, utilities, home loan, homeowners' insurance, pest control, cable/internet, new furniture
4. Movers will be at my apartment to take my stuff to the new house three weeks from today--by this time of day, the stuff will be unloaded at the new house--and I have at least 3 closets' worth of crap to sort through before then so that I can decided what to pitch, what to donate, and what to move.
5. The 3 closets' worth of crap doesn't even include all the other household packing that any normal person would have to deal with in the weeks before a move.
6. I am definitely getting rid of about half my furniture before the move and have to decide what to do with it all. Sell on craigslist? Freecycle? Get charity to pick up?
7. I need to book our wedding package in Maui in the near future if I want to have any hope of doing our wedding while we are there.
8. I'm trying to exercise more regularly in an effort to lower my dangerously high cholesterol.
9. I'm back on Weight Watchers trying to lose weight to lower cholesterol and look decent for the Maui trip. And I'm doing Core, which involves more shopping and cooking than usual for me.
10. I have a crapload of stuff I've put off for too long, including: a thorough detailing of my car's interior (pre-paid in late May and not yet done); 50K-mile service on car (scheduled and cancelled once already); tailoring of two pairs of "summer" dress pants for work (one pair is part of a pantsuit I bought A YEAR AGO and have not yet been able to wear).
11. I am off the pill and could theoretically become pregnant at any time. . . so every month I am paying much more attention than usual to my cycle.
12. MM and I need to go to the jewelry store and pick my engagement ring.
13. I need to schedule a holiday/engagement photo session before all the photographers' available sessions are taken.

Actually, I am getting exhausted and feeling a bit defeated just reading over this list! All of this is in addition to the usual life stuff that we all have going on: household chores, dog care, remembering friends' birthdays, keeping in touch with family. WHEW!

It's no wonder I feel as though I need a week off just to veg. BUT I'm not gonna get it any time soon, so I just have to suck it up and deal.

Not to sound all Alcoholics Anonymous-y, but I'm just gonna have to take things "one day at a time." In six weeks, life will look quite different than it does today. Time will tell how I will survive until then. ;-)

I lost 3.2 lbs!

I was 206.8 at my official weigh-in today. Only 17.8 lbs to go to reach 10% lost!

Just to have a time-related goal, I am aiming to hit my 10% goal before we leave for Maui. So I have about 14 weeks to lose those 17.8 lbs. Seems totally do-able to me.

So frickin' tired

I'm home and glad to be back. I enjoyed seeing my dad, as always, and had about the weekend I expected to have. It was good to see MM and Sebastian when I got home.

Currently I'm at my office finishing up an assignment that the partner needs "first thing in the morning" tomorrow. It's times like this when I'm not loving my job.

I could really use a few days off just to veg. Seriously. But I know it's gonna be a while before I get anything remotely approaching that: I have too much to do at work and at home. Even my weekends will be filled for the next month.

[sigh. . . . ]

Focus!

207.8 (yea!)

I am having a very hard time focusing at work lately. . . mostly because MM and I have so many things to do related to the new house and the upcoming move that my focus has been on that much more than on any of the tasks that my firm (& our clients) pay me to perform. ;-)

One brief side note about the move: it is so nice to be in a relationship with someone who is competent, reliable, and not a procrastinator! With my ex, I usually just made all plans myself; if I didn't, he would put it off indefinitely or "forget" to do it. MM is a much more take-charge kind of person: of his own accord, he decided to take this morning off from work in order to arrange movers, a home inspection, utilities, etc., for the move. I would be even more stressed out if not for his taking responsibility for this stuff!

My friend KH had her baby girl yesterday; Mom and baby are both doing well. I babysat her not-quite-13-month-old son in the morning before his nanny arrived and again after work until her husband came home. Her son is terribly cute, and although I was (& still am) tired, I enjoyed watching him and was glad I could help them out.

Tomorrow I fly to see my dad for the weekend. I'm looking forward to it! I'm sure I will miss MM, but it'll be good to see Dad and to get away for a few days.

Weight Watchers is going well. I didn't really plan yesterday's meals, due to rushing out of the house just after 6 a.m. and rushing back to KH's after work, but was still able to stay Core-compliant, with the exception of just a few low-point foods (lowfat milk instead of skim, a slice of whole wheat bread). I also made it to the gym on Sunday, Monday, & Tuesday this week, so it's been a pretty good week so far.

Being at my dad's could be a bit of a challenge eating-wise. He is a saboteur, although he is often telling me how good it is for me to diet and lose weight. I know we will be going out for Mexican food on Friday night, so I can handle that: I will just order chicken fajitas and whole black beans and skip the tortillas. (That will likely provoke comment, but I can deal with it.) It's the eating at his house, where I have less control over food choices, that may be problematic.

Gotta get back to finishing up a research project and drafting some motions in limine for an upcoming trial. Oh joy! ;-)

Woohoo carrots!

209.2 (this morning)
210.0 ("official" weigh-in yesterday at noon)

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday as planned and have started the "Core" plan today. Core is actually pretty similar to Phase 2 of the South Beach Diet, with one notable exception: whole wheat bread is not allowed. I've been hungry on and off today, but not unbearably so.

MM and I are having dinner at Red Robin after the gym. I thought that it might be a bit of a challenge finding a Core-compliant meal there, so I designed one online and am going to use some of my weekly 35-point allowance to have a (whole wheat) bun.

I'm going to post my food for the day to help keep me honest. So far today I've had:

breakfast: Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal with 15 blueberries and fat-free milk
lunch: mixed spring greens with 6 oz white albacore tuna, 6 oz V8, a banana, and a Yoplait Light fat-free yogurt
snack: 94% fat-free microwave popcorn and a peach

Only a little over 700 calories so far, according to sparkpeople.com. My planned meal at Red Robin is also only a little over 700 calories. . . so if I stick with my plan, I should come in at around 1450 total calories for the day.

MM and I are going to the gym tonight--as per our usual Tuesday routine--and on to his place to gather up the last of his things that are still there. Between gym, dinner, and clean-up, my entire evening is basically shot. And I have plans for dinner with friends the next two nights and am leaving town on Friday noonish to visit my dad for the weekend. Busy, busy!

Starting again

209.0

I am joining Weight Watchers for the 4th (or 5th?) time today. I have been rolling the idea around in my head for weeks, but a conversation with a coworker last week clinched it, and today's the day. She and I are going to go to a meeting at lunchtime and join together, so that'll be nice.

Believe it or not, although we have been together nearly 11 months, MM never knew how much I weigh. I had made a veiled reference or two to weighing "more than" him, but he never knew the number. . . that is, until yesterday at the gym when I climbed on the elliptical trainer next to him and put in my weight when requested to do so. DOH!

As we were working out, at one point I noticed him giving me a very odd head-to-toe once-over. At that precise moment, I had my iPod on and had finally gotten my heart rate into a good zone, so I didn't slow down to find out what the look was about. But I asked him about it later. He said he "couldn't figure out where all that extra weight is." He thinks I "don't look like you weigh over 200."

I should add here that MM himself weighs between 160 and 164, depending on the day and how much strength training he is doing. He's only 5'8", so he's not skinny, but he is by no means overweight. . . I don't think he has even one pound of excess fat on his body anywhere.

Anyway, I guess it's really not that big a deal: I'm the same me, and he feels the same about me as he ever did, despite being a little weirded out by finding out that I weigh over 200 lbs. I had just hoped to keep this little tidbit of information about me private. LOL

Had a busy weekend. Saturday was filled up with social obligations: a book club brunch, picked up KC at the airport, attended a birthday party at a pizza place for my friends' two-year-old. All in all, I ended up seeing no fewer than 10 children under age 4 (and two pregnant women) during the day's festivities. Sunday MM and I went to Macy's and bought a sectional for our new house, drove by the house to check progress (our driveway cement had been poured and doors installed), went to the gym, then home to shower before going to MM's parents' house for dinner.

Tonight I'll be headed to the grocery store to buy some healthy foods for the week and will do the household chores that I didn't have time to do this weekend. I'm going to visit my father this coming weekend, but every other weekend until our move, I need to spend at least a solid 3-4 hours decluttering and sorting through crap. MM would freak if he knew all the junk I have tucked away in closets in our current place, and it's just a good idea to get rid of everything I can before we move into our new house.

Our new home

Before I start, I want to say that I wrote a lovely entry about the new house yesterday afternoon on my work computer, and IE crashed when it was about 90% finished. God knows why blogger didn't autosave as usual, but all my writing was lost! I was so disgusted at having wasted all that time that I couldn't face rewriting the entry. Hence the delay in posting the details.

Anyhoo. . . MM and I signed a contract on a new home on Thursday night. The house is a builder "spec" home that is already mostly constructed. It is located less than 20 minutes from my office (crucial!) and about 5-7 minutes from the neighborhood we had seen and liked the previous weekend.

We went out to this new subdivision--which is nearly completed; people are already living in many of the homes--and looked through the six spec homes (three different floorplans) that were available in our price range. Of the six, three homes had the floorplan we chose which, though it is the smallest in terms of square footage, we liked the best. Here's what it looks like:



I love the great room and the openness of the floorplan in general. I don't care much for a separate living room/family room because I feel that the "formal" living room ends up being wasted space. (I feel the same way about a separate dining room.) The second and third bedrooms in this floorplan are not very large, but the master bedroom is a good size. Considering how little we will use the other bedrooms, I'm not much bothered by their size.

All of the other three homes available were on lots that MM would not consider because they were near some high-voltage power lines. Not only does MM consider these power lines an eyesore, some people think they cause cancer (http://www.midtod.com/9603/voltage.phtml), and MM is an admitted hypochondriac. To use his words about one of the homes (which was on a larger-than-average lot): "If we move in here, I'll drop 60 lbs and go completely bald the first year we live here." Nice.

For my part, I didn't care for the floorplans of the other three homes: one was basically the same floorplan we have now, but with a fourth (superfluous) bedroom tacked onto the front of the house. I would've been more interested in paying extra to get more square footage if the extra space had been put into making the common areas or the bedrooms larger, rather than adding another room that we don't need and likely wouldn't use much.

The other two homes had a floorplan where the door from the garage brought you into the house through the hallway where the bedrooms were located. I knew that if we bought one of those homes, this design flaw would annoy me every single day when I arrived home with my arms full of crap. So I ended up being glad that MM ruled out all these homes as choices.

We considered all three of the houses that have our floorplan, and we very nearly went with one that had the most upgrades and larger, darker tile. When we went back for one last look at it before deciding, as MM stood in the master bedroom to see if it was quiet enough for him, I went out into the backyard again and heard a small dog yapping. I called MM out, and he looked over the wall and saw a Chihuahua. Both of us hate living near small, yappy dogs (or "yappers," as MM's mom calls them).

We both know that any of our future neighbors could end up owning (or later acquiring) a yapper, but we knew FOR SURE that these neighbors had one. Because the Chihuahua lived at the house between two of the available homes, we went with the third house. (In addition to being yapper-free, it was slightly farther down the street and a little quieter in general.)

Because the house is so far along in the construction process, we are not getting to pick any of the flooring, paint, countertops, lighting fixtures, etc., but all are upgraded from the basics which the builder puts into these homes. The color scheme is very neutral and very much to our taste and fits in well with the "decorating vision" we have for our home. (I had to put that in quotes because neither MM nor I is much of a decorator.) The kitchen has beautiful granite countertops and stainless steel appliances. We will get to pick our landscaping, front and back, and the cost of both is included in the price of the home. . . as are window blinds; a garage door opener; and the range, microwave, and dishwasher.

What ultimately settled us on this new home vs. the pre-owned homes we had seen and considered in the other nearby neighborhood we liked was this: we simply got more home than we could have purchased there for even $50K more. We ended up spending well under what we can afford, and that gives me a lot of peace of mind: I hate the idea of being even slightly over-extended financially just to have a nice house.

It's an unfortunate fact for people trying to sell their homes that the builders can offer huge incentives to move the homes they build. Because this is a spec home in a community that is near completion, we ended saving $65K off the original price of this house--and that doesn't even include the free upgrades or landscaping! And I am only 3-5 minutes farther from work than I would've been if we had purchased a pre-owned home a few miles away. (We are even in the same school district as the other, established neighborhood.)

Another thing I like about the community in which we purchased is that our house is priced in lower part of the mid-range: there are many more expensive homes and only a few less expensive than ours. I like that. I don't like the idea of living in a neighborhood where my house is one of the most expensive.

MM has had his heart set on putting a pool in our backyard, and this is also included in our price. However, when he met with the pool designer today, he learned that a pool would (as we had feared) take up our entire backyard. Neither he nor I want that--that was one of our specific complaints about a few of the pre-owned homes we saw--so instead he has opted to go with an in-ground spa which will take up less than half the backyard. I've not yet seen the plans, but I trust that it will be very nice and add something to our backyard. Because a pool was so important to MM, I had to let this be his choice. . . but honestly, I will probably get more enjoyment out of the spa than a pool myself.

I'm excited about the new house: I've already ordered change-of-address cards for us and am planning on hosting a house-warming party once the spa and landscaping are complete. This will be the first home I've ever owned, and I've never lived in a new house before!

At the same time, my excitement is slightly tinged with anxiety. (Don't misunderstand me: the good feelings definitely outweigh any apprehension.) Buying a home is a big step financially for any person. I would have some anxiety about that aspect even if I were buying a place on my own.

Buying a home with MM also represents a big step in our relationship. In some ways, this home purchase is a bigger commitment to each other than marriage. . . or, at least, it is a commitment that could prove harder to get out of. In Arizona, an uncontested, no-fault divorce takes 60 days and costs only court filing fees if you do it yourself. If we decided to split within the next two years and had to re-sell this house--and we would have to sell, because neither of us could afford it alone--we would likely lose quite a bit of money. . . assuming we could even find a buyer. (Yes, I think about these things: I can't help it, I'm a lawyer!)

Anyway. . . we have both considered this possible downside and are going ahead regardless. I think that's a good sign. ;-)

As we began filling out the paperwork for the house purchase, a huge monsoon storm hit and continued for hours. We later saw on the news that over 2 inches of rain fell in some areas and that it was the largest monsoon storm in the Phoenix area since 1999. I hope that's also a good omen!

MM is moving all his stuff out of his townhome today--his closing is on the 15th--and putting it into storage until our house is ready. A friend is helping him, and he was adamant that he didn't need me to help, too. Is it terrible of me that I was totally willing NOT to insist? LOL

Our house is scheduled to be ready on September 9th, so barring any significant and unforeseen delays, we should be living there before the end of September. Hooray!

We bought a house!

Signed the contract last night.  More details to follow. . . .

7 things I hate about my apartment

In light of the fact that I've been blogging a lot about buying a house with MM, I thought I would share this list.  I have carefully confined my gripes to things I did not/could not know when I moved in here or that have changed since last July.

1.    I hate how slow the drain is in my shower.  This problem has been developing slowly over the past few months, and Drano isn't working to cure it.  I've had multiple plumbing problems in the time I've lived here.  Calling management is useless; they don't ever fix a problem.

2.    I hate how the management never properly fixed the water damage from my flood last November.  I have plywood for shelves in one cabinet, and part of the laminate is peeled back; both look sh1tty.  I made two maintenance requests to have these things fixed months ago, but got tired of asking and gave up.

3.    I hate that the light outside the doors that lead to my hallway is burned out and has not been replaced even though I have called twice (and gone in once in person) about it.

4.    I hate the neighbor who lets his huge dog take a crap in the common area and doesn't pick it up after.  Seriously, this dog must weigh 100+ lbs: his craps are bigger than Sebastian's, and THAT'S saying something!  Pick up after your f$%*in' dog!

5.    I hate how the toilet seat on my toilet is loose and slides when I sit on it.  Not a time when I want a feeling of insecurity.

6.    I hate how the air intake in the hall doesn't take a standard-sized filter.  I'm sure this is not good for MM's allergies, and it's just damn frustrating.

7.    I hate all the sketchy-looking people who've become my neighbors over the past several months.  When I moved in here a little over a year ago, the majority of my neighbors were older retirees who had lived in the complex for years.  I see an ever-increasing number of heavily-tattooed folk and younger people with questionable hygiene & questionable cars.  I know I'm be judgy, and I don't care: I don't want these people as neighbors!

Wow, that was easier than I thought.  Maybe I should've made this a top ten list. . . but I wanted to give a nod to Miley Cyrus with today's post title.  ;--)

Looking for the one that is "just right"

MM and I went out on Sunday with the realtor as scheduled and looked at houses.  We had 10 properties on our list; of those, 2 were short sales that we ended up not viewing--one because the bank had recently accepted a prior offer and the other because we could tell as soon as we opened the front door that the previous occupants had trashed the hardwood floors and much work would be required to fix them.

Of the eight homes we saw, each had something about it which was not to our liking.  I joked that I felt like Goldilocks because none of them was "just right."  If we liked the interior, the yard was completely taken up by the pool and/or backed up to a busy road.  If we liked the yard, there was something about the floorplan that didn't suit us.  The only house we found that came very close to meeting all our criteria was priced nearly $40K more than we want to pay.  (We have not totally tabled the idea of making a low-ball offer for that place, but we're not 100% in love with it.)

Our current plan is to go out with the realtor again on Sunday and look at four more homes in our preferred neighborhood which are within our price range, as well as checking out a new development slightly farther from work (still only 20 minutes' drive) where the builder is offering some big incentives to sell some spec homes.

My friends and acquaintances seem to be pretty evenly split regarding whether it's better to purchase a new home in a new development or a pre-owned home, 10-12 years old, in a nice, established neighborhood.  I suppose the split is due to the fact that there are pros and cons to each.

Both MM and I are sick of looking at houses and just want to settle on some place and be done with looking.  On the other hand, we recognize that this is a major purchase and a big decision, so we feel obligated to look more and make sure that we make a good decision.

Several people have told us "when you find the right place, you'll just know."  HOWEVER. . . . people have also been telling me that about my love life for years, and I haven't found it to be true for me there, either.  ;-)

Other than house hunting, there really isn't much new going on with us.  Once we close on a house, MM is going to buy me an engagement ring, and we are going ahead with our plans for a small, private wedding ceremony on Maui while we are there for vacation around Thanksgiving.  Our relationship is good, and actually, the stress of the house hunting has highlighted the fact that we are pretty compatible and also able to disagree and discuss without causing a rift. . . good things to know.  (When I briefly house hunted with my ex SL, it should've been clear to me then that we were not on the same page: we hardly agreed on anything, even areas to look!)

Work is status quo; it's still bloody hot.  Not much new to report. . . .