Funk

211.2 (ugh)

I'm confused about my weight again, but now my confusion is: why is it going up?? I walked Sebastian for about 25 minutes yesterday morning, and I didn't eat horribly. Whatever.

I was in a funk yesterday evening. I had no real good reason. One factor might've been obsessing over MM. Even though I am trying to be Zen about the whole MM thing--trying to be more balanced and centered about dating and life in general--sometimes the old S tendencies rear their ugly heads.

Nothing in MM's behavior has given me cause for concern. . . . quite the contrary. We talked briefly yesterday after exchanging a couple of text messages and scheduled a date for Thursday. Our interaction was quite as usual.

But for some reason, I was feeling odd about the whole situation. Upon further reflection, I think I am experiencing cognitive dissonance over our arrangement because I am of two minds about it. On the one hand, I love the set-up we have in place. I like not feeling obligated to MM; I like the fact that we don't feel the need to spend hours on the phone and spend all our free time together--it gives me plenty of time to live my life. I love seeing him a couple of times a week and not having to make time to see him more often. Not that I wouldn't want to see him more often--in fact, I have begun to crave his company and miss him when we aren't together, and he feels the same--but I don't really have the time to see him more (nor does he).

On the other hand, I feel that our arrangement is somewhat inconsistent with my growing attachment to MM. I've liked the guy since our first date and been attracted to him. . . . but what I'm talking about is something more than that, beyond that. I'm feeling like I can see myself being with him for a while, and it's a bit unnerving.

I believe that my feelings for him are reciprocated. He has made several comments that indicate to me that that is the case, and as I have noted in this blog before, his behavior has always been inconsistent with someone who just wants to keep things casual. Having rationally examined his remarks in context and run them by a few skeptical friends, I do think that he is growing as attached to me as I am to him. No doubt about it.

On some level, the knowledge that his feelings for me are growing just as mine are for him reassures me and makes me feel pretty damn good. (Don't we all want the object of our affection to return our feelings?) But at the same time, the fact that he cares for me as much (or more?) as I care for him scares me. Because mutual affection means that there is "something" there and that things will inevitably progress between us. . . . no matter what arrangement we have made.

I realize that all of this is just my own neurosis. I do not intend to talk to MM about any of this. (Though--another scary realization--I probably could without spooking him & driving him off.) I'm just ruminating and examining my own feelings about the matter.

After all that, in a nutshell: I want to get more involved, but I want to keep MM at arm's length, too. Make sense? If it's clear to you, email me, because it doesn't seem very clear to me. LOL

Might I also add one other point? I am afraid to get more involved because of the emotional risk. And given MM's pattern with his past relationships, I think that the closer we get, the more anxiety he is going to have about the situation. I'm not sure if I'm ready to deal with that. I'm not sure I want all the stress and work of a relationship. Our arrangement as is. . . . is wonderful. Low stress, no obligations, just fun. I don't want to ruin that.

Well, time will tell. Whatever is going to happen will happen. Ohm. . . . .