Funk

211.2 (ugh)

I'm confused about my weight again, but now my confusion is: why is it going up?? I walked Sebastian for about 25 minutes yesterday morning, and I didn't eat horribly. Whatever.

I was in a funk yesterday evening. I had no real good reason. One factor might've been obsessing over MM. Even though I am trying to be Zen about the whole MM thing--trying to be more balanced and centered about dating and life in general--sometimes the old S tendencies rear their ugly heads.

Nothing in MM's behavior has given me cause for concern. . . . quite the contrary. We talked briefly yesterday after exchanging a couple of text messages and scheduled a date for Thursday. Our interaction was quite as usual.

But for some reason, I was feeling odd about the whole situation. Upon further reflection, I think I am experiencing cognitive dissonance over our arrangement because I am of two minds about it. On the one hand, I love the set-up we have in place. I like not feeling obligated to MM; I like the fact that we don't feel the need to spend hours on the phone and spend all our free time together--it gives me plenty of time to live my life. I love seeing him a couple of times a week and not having to make time to see him more often. Not that I wouldn't want to see him more often--in fact, I have begun to crave his company and miss him when we aren't together, and he feels the same--but I don't really have the time to see him more (nor does he).

On the other hand, I feel that our arrangement is somewhat inconsistent with my growing attachment to MM. I've liked the guy since our first date and been attracted to him. . . . but what I'm talking about is something more than that, beyond that. I'm feeling like I can see myself being with him for a while, and it's a bit unnerving.

I believe that my feelings for him are reciprocated. He has made several comments that indicate to me that that is the case, and as I have noted in this blog before, his behavior has always been inconsistent with someone who just wants to keep things casual. Having rationally examined his remarks in context and run them by a few skeptical friends, I do think that he is growing as attached to me as I am to him. No doubt about it.

On some level, the knowledge that his feelings for me are growing just as mine are for him reassures me and makes me feel pretty damn good. (Don't we all want the object of our affection to return our feelings?) But at the same time, the fact that he cares for me as much (or more?) as I care for him scares me. Because mutual affection means that there is "something" there and that things will inevitably progress between us. . . . no matter what arrangement we have made.

I realize that all of this is just my own neurosis. I do not intend to talk to MM about any of this. (Though--another scary realization--I probably could without spooking him & driving him off.) I'm just ruminating and examining my own feelings about the matter.

After all that, in a nutshell: I want to get more involved, but I want to keep MM at arm's length, too. Make sense? If it's clear to you, email me, because it doesn't seem very clear to me. LOL

Might I also add one other point? I am afraid to get more involved because of the emotional risk. And given MM's pattern with his past relationships, I think that the closer we get, the more anxiety he is going to have about the situation. I'm not sure if I'm ready to deal with that. I'm not sure I want all the stress and work of a relationship. Our arrangement as is. . . . is wonderful. Low stress, no obligations, just fun. I don't want to ruin that.

Well, time will tell. Whatever is going to happen will happen. Ohm. . . . .

Ruh roh

210.6

That is all. . . . .

I don't regret this life I chose for me

Life is so strange. This time last year, I had just returned from a week-long prosecutors' training and was feeling energized and inspired about the job. I was scheduled to spend the next two consecutive weeks in trial. . . . one of the trials the most serious of my prosecutorial career to date, a child molestation case.

I was living in Tucson with SL; we had recently celebrated a year of cohabitation, and it had been mostly good. SL had just gotten a new job and would finally be earning something close to what he was worth, greatly improving our joint financial situation and helping to finance our April wedding. His parents were due to start their trek south from Alaska in a week for their months-long winter visit. Our wedding invitations had arrived. . . . and shortly thereafter, I'd given SL an ultimatum about his drinking after yet-another binge: go to counseling or end it now and move out.

My weight was pretty much out of control. I had been at around 225 for months and was doing nothing to try to get things under control. . . . despite the fact that I'd ordered a size 20W wedding dress less than a month earlier. Not exercising and eating whatever the hell I wanted.

Obviously things in my life weren't perfect, but I was relatively content. I'd grown accustomed to my level of work stress and was feeling like a competent prosecutor; I felt I'd "taken the bull by the horns" in forcing SL into counseling and truly believed that together we would overcome his drinking problem; and despite the fact that I was going to be a fat bride, I was looking forward to being a bride at last. I remember that a lot of my spare time and money back then was spent on wedding stuff. . . . favors, bridesmaid dresses, and the like. I'd set up our wedding website and was on theknot.com nearly every day. In the balance, if someone had asked, I would have said that I was happy. . . . and I don't think that would have been a lie.

Fast-forward to present day. I am working at a private medical malpractice firm in Phoenix, making about 65% more money and living alone in a huge apartment in a very urban area of the city. I'm about 15 lbs lighter than this time a year ago, and though I am still far from consistent with healthy eating and exercising, I'm at least more mindful and working on it again.

And the biggest change: SL is no longer a part of my life. (Actually, come to think of it. . . . I haven't talked to him since the beginning of August and haven't even emailed him in about a month.) Strange to think that the man I lived with, saw every day, and thought would be my husband is now mostly memories.

Am I happier today? I think so. My life is so different that it makes the comparison hard, but I'm happy. I know that I'm finally, at age 36, making some financial progress with this new job and its higher salary. I believe it's been a good career move for me, and I am learning a lot. I can't deny that I miss aspects of my job as a prosecutor. . . . appearing in court regularly, trying cases, talking with victims. . . . but I don't miss the politics and poisonous management of my old office. My current workplace is so much more congenial (though I do miss my friends at the old job). As busy as I am at work right now, the stress level doesn't even come close to a typical week as a prosecutor.

I am blessed in that I already had several good friends here in Phoenix. . . . so to some extent, I had a social life to "step into." My best friend KC and a few friends from law school were here the whole time I was in Tucson. And so far I've maintained my friendships with my people in Tucson, too, though obviously I see a lot less of them than I did when I was there. Surprisingly, even a few friendships that had just begun developing when I moved have continued despite my relocation. And I always have my reliable old friends all over the place. I've been fortunate in being able to help some friends through some difficult times of their own of late.

Of course, my one true constant--Sebastian--is still a valued part of my life. What would I do without my boy? :-)

Last, but not necessarily least, I'm now dating MM. I am in no way implying that my relationship with MM replaces the one I had with SL; they are quite different relationships, quite different people. But comparisons are, to a degree, unavoidable.

Last year at this time, I thought I'd found the person I could spend the rest of my life with. SL wasn't perfect--among his other quirks, he left his socks under the coffee table and often froze up around my friends--but he was funny, he treated me great, and he was one of my closest friends. SL often brought me flowers, did little favors for me, and always out-gifted me on holidays. I knew I could count on him to do anything for me. . . . except quit drinking. I was (and am) realistic enough to know that no man will be 100% of what I'm looking for in a life partner, but SL was about 95% of what I wanted. He just had this "one little thing" I found very hard to live with. . . . the problem was that it wasn't such a little thing and gave me grave concerns for the future and his ability to be a true partner, in every sense of the word.

Who knows what will happen between MM and me? I know that I love being with him and that I am growing more attached to him all the time. Like SL, he is not perfect. So far, I've not learned anything about him that makes me believe I should take a step back. But, to be honest, after less than 6 weeks of dating SL, I hadn't found out anything about him that would give me pause either.

An internet friend tonight commented via instant messenger that I am "afraid to commit." Maybe. But, given my experiences over the past 12 months, I believe I'd be a fool not to be at least a little bit afraid. I admit that the thought of not knowing something really important about someone until it's too late to extricate myself is, frankly, terrifying.

I came within 13 days of being married earlier this year. . . . within less than 2 weeks of making what would arguably have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It was sheer happenstance that saved me, no credit to me whatsoever. Sure, I'd realized months before that there was a problem and taken steps to fix it. . . . but had SL waited 2 more weeks to get drunk, I would've gone ahead with our wedding even knowing what might happen. The thought of how close I came scares the hell out of me.

Given what I went through with SL, I don't know if I can ever feel secure enough in a relationship again to commit to marriage. I nearly called our wedding off twice before we actually broke up, and yet I came very close to going through with it. There is something to be said for just moving out and moving on. If that makes me a commitment-phobe. . . . then so be it.

Blog neglect

weight=? (haven't been on the scale since Friday)

I have not blogged all weekend. I suppose that is a good thing because it probably means I've been too occupied with other things.

My Halloween party last night was fun. I saw some people I hadn't seen for a while and met a few new ones, too. My costume was a hit--both with the other guests and with MM. I probably shouldn't have had the 5 beers I had, but whatever.

As usual after a night with MM, I am exhausted. I'm going to bed really soon.

I spent the night and all morning (until about 1:00 pm) with MM. We had a great time, as usual. Despite the label we have put on our arrangement, he is essentially my boyfriend in everything but name. I'm already looking forward to seeing him again. . . . which I will do on Wednesday or Thursday.

My dad & stepmom are coming into town on Friday evening. I am looking forward to seeing them. At the same time, I am a little sad because it means I won't get to spend time with MM this coming weekend! I know I am going to miss him. It'll be OK, though. ;-)

This week should prove to be a busy one at work. I plan to put in some longer hours. . . . as I'd planned to do last week before my friend's son came into town unexpectedly. It'll be good.

Planning to jog/walk in the morning. . . .

Sharing is caring

209.6 (yikes)

I can't really say much about the number on the scale this morning. I had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory last night and ate a lot, plus I finished my slice of Godiva chocolate cheesecake around 10:00. Given that, it's not surprising.

My friend KK's not-quite-16-year-old son is staying with me at the moment. The reasons why are somewhat complicated, but I'm not going to blog about them 'cause it's not really my business. He has been a relatively easy house guest--very respectful--and is supposed to fly home today. (He arrived on Wednesday night.) Sebastian has been very happy to have a visitor, of course.

Had dinner with MM on Wednesday evening. Our time together was short: only an hour. He had to work after we met up. Even though we didn't get to spend much time together, I enjoyed seeing him.

We also talked on the phone Tuesday and Thursday nights. Things are definitely getting more involved between us, despite the label we have put on our "arrangement." Last night he told me that he "cares about" me. (Not out of the blue, but in the context of our conversation: he was concerned about something I had going on in my life that he feared would be stressful or traumatic for me.) I've really missed him this week; this is the first week since we've been dating that I can truly say that. Sure, I've thought about him when we've been apart during the other weeks we've been seeing each other. . . but this week I've actually really desired his company. (I'm not being clear about explaining the difference.)

For example: on Tuesday night, an unexpected situation arose in my life. As I was pondering how to handle it, the first person I thought of discussing it with was MM. Normally, my default person would be one of my friends--usually KC or C--or my sister. The fact that MM immediately popped into my mind as someone with whom I could discuss a concern was a little surprising. . . . probably because we've not yet had that kind of relationship. I mean, no doubt MM is a smart guy with more than a little life experience at dealing with troubled or difficult people--given what he does for a living--but I still was a little surprised to find myself thinking of him first.

I text messaged him "are you busy?" and he immediately called me. I explained the situation, and he gave me some solid advice on things to consider and how to handle it. (As an aside: I ended up handling things differently than he suggested, but it was still good to hear his perspective.)

I can't really say I'm glad this situation came up, but I am a little bit glad in two ways: one, it showed me that I can rely on MM, and not just to be a fun date on the weekends; and two, his behavior in regard to this has clearly showed me that he cares about me (& he said so as well). Interesting stuff. . . . ;-)

Tomorrow night is my Halloween costume party. I need to go to the mall tomorrow and buy a lacy red push-up bra and some white fishnet stockings to complete my costume. MM is picking me up at the party after the ASU football game and really wants me to go back with him to his place and spend the night. When I pointed out to him that I planned to drink and would be unable to drive to his place, he said he'd just take me and bring me back on Sunday. May I point out that this translates into over a 50-mile round trip for him. He doesn't want to sleep at my place because of Sebastian and his allergies. I guess he really wants to spend the night with me. :)

Tonight I'll probably be dropping the kid off at the airport. Otherwise I just plan to chill. It's been a busy and odd week.

Happy Birthday Sebastian!

207.8

Today is my boy's 6th birthday. Don't tell him, though, 'cause he thinks he's still just a little puppy. ;-)

Even though I was feeling lazy this morning, I forced myself to take him out for a 35-minute walk. He deserves that every day, but certainly on his birthday. He enjoyed himself.

Not sure what else I'll do for him today. Probably just give him some extra love. Of course, him being a dog and all, he doesn't actually know it's his birthday. LOL

Things have really picked up at work. Wow. I had a very full day yesterday, and today promises to be more of the same. I brought some work home with me, but only got about a third of it done because a friend called. Well, it's just more to do today.

MM called me yesterday a little after 5:30. I was still at the office, and so was he. (Mondays are his long days in the office when he sees all his people he supervises.) We just chatted for about 2 minutes, but it was great to hear his voice. We are going to have dinner together on Wednesday night.

I've been reading up on ways to reduce the dog dander in the home. I feel bad when MM comes over and gets all congested and sneezy; he must feel miserable. Tonight after work, I'm going to give Sebastian a thorough brushing out and a wipe down with a wet towel, then thoroughly vacuum the whole apartment and wash my sheets. Aside from bathing Sebastian (too soon) and getting a HEPA filter, there is not too much else I can do to minimize MM's symptoms. (Sebastian can't be bathed too frequently or I'd put him at risk for dry skin.) MM mentioned getting on allergy medication if we continue to hang out; for my part, I think that'd be a good idea. He wouldn't have to suffer so much to come over to my place then.

Aside from seeing MM tomorrow and my Halloween party on Saturday night, I have nothing else planned for this week. KC is working a lot, and I've seen most of my other friends fairly recently. Knowing things were going to get busier at work, I kind of didn't want to plan too many things.

Perplexed

206.4

Once again, I have no idea why the scale keeps going down. I didn't eat horribly this weekend, but I didn't exercise, and I ate no veggies. The only fruit I had was along with a dessert crepe I had on Friday night.

I know I'm not dehydated today because I spent most of yesterday purposely drinking extra water in an effort to counteract my headache. So I have no idea why the scale is going down.

Hmmm. I'll take it! ;-)

Wasted days

206.8 (at 5:30 p.m.)

I accomplished absolutely nothing productive this weekend. Not one single thing.

Yesterday I opted to have a lazy day; I read, surfed the 'net, talked on the phone, watched TV, and just generally vegged and relaxed. I think taking a whole to day to relax once in a while is very important for my mental health, and I do it frequently. I did this with the thought in mind that today I would go in to my office for a few hours, then come home and do some household chores.

Instead of the Sunday I'd planned, I spent most of today recovering from a migraine. I came home from MM's around 9:30 this morning and felt OK. . . . exhausted due to about 4 hours of sleep, but otherwise OK. I went to sleep for about 3 hours and woke up with a migraine. Horrible pain and nausea & light sensitivity, too. I didn't feel back to normal and functional until just before 5:30. . . . at which time my dear friend D called me with a personal crisis. I am always there to listen for my friends (and offer advice when asked), and we were on the phone for over an hour. By the time I got off the phone, it was dark outside and there was no chance I was going to do anything. LOL

Well, that's life. I am hoping to start the week off tomorrow with a jog in the morning and an early arrival at my office. I am taking my first depositions on Tuesday, and I have quite a few projects on my plate, and I know my workload is going to be increasing. My desk is in quite a state of disarray at present, so I need to get that under control and formulate a plan for the week.

Sebastian has seemed a bit put out with me today. Of course, he did spend last night alone. . . and he has not had any exercise in a few days. I guess I can't blame him. Yet another reason for me to get back on track with my morning jogs.

I had dinner with J on Friday night, as I'd hoped. We went to a really cute gourmet pizzeria in a historic bungalow not far from my place. J came by my place before dinner (first time he'd been to my apartment, actually) and met Sebastian. It goes without saying that he loved him. ;-)

As always, J and I had great conversation. He probably got tired of hearing about MM, but he was tolerant and humored me. LOL And I didn't spend the entire time talking about MM; we talked about lots of stuff. Hanging out with J is fun.

Last night MM and I went out, as planned. MM actually showed up at my place a little after 5:30. . . at least a half hour earlier than he told me he'd arrive. I was in my pajamas and hadn't showered yet. LOL He is usually punctual and often early, so I should have realized that this could happen.

That was the first time he has seen me with absolutely no makeup, no contacts, and my hair a complete mess. He was very sweet about it, though: he told me I looked great. Awww. I know he was lying, but it was sweet nonetheless. He also thought it was silly of me to be weird about his seeing me "au naturel." His sentiment was "it had to happen some time." My reply to that was "yes, but not now." LOL

Once I got showered and dressed, we went to dinner at Buca di Beppo and had a really good meal. MM felt too tired to go dancing (he worked late on Friday and worked on Saturday, too), so we went to see The Heartbreak Kid instead. (It had its funny moments; overall I'd say it's worth seeing, but a rental.)

Had I known we would end up going to the movies instead of out dancing, my trip to the mall on Thursday would not have been necessary. Oh well. MM did tell me I looked pretty and that he liked my outfit; I like the stuff I bought, too, so I guess it was worth it in any event.

After the movie, we went back to stay at his place. MM really likes Sebastian, but he thought that being at my place for more than a couple of hours would really affect his allergies and make him miserable if he slept over there. I was happy to oblige him and go to his place; it's about a 25-minute drive with no/light traffic, but whatever. We got to his house around 1:00 and were up until probably almost 3:00 a.m. talking, etc.

Not sure when I'll see him again, but I imagine we will meet for dinner one night this week. And I know I'll be seeing him on Saturday night: I'm going to a Halloween costume party, and he is coming by afterwards to see me in my naughty nurse costume (http://www.odgirl.com/item--Nurse-Outfit--8589-LA.html). He is not going with me to the party because he already had tickets to the ASU v. Cal football game; it's a big game, and he obviously doesn't want to miss it.

As usual, we got along great and had lots of fun. We had no deep conversations last night, and he didn't make any new revelations. Just a nice, relaxing evening. Things between us are status quo, and that's good. :-)

Idle chit-chat

209.2 (not bad after a late dinner out last night)

My friend C was kind enough to accompany me on an emergency shopping trip yesterday after work. We bought a cute outfit for me to wear on tomorrow night's date, complete with jewelry and shoes. Too cool. I hate to shop, and I also am not good at knowing what flatters me, so someone always has to go with me.

Guess who called me "just to chat" while I was shopping? MM. It was great to hear from him, but on another level, I was a bit surprised. . . . because calling to chat is not something he does. He'll call to schedule a date, and occasionally we'll end up chatting, or he'll call because he has something specific to tell me. But he's never before called because "I was bored and I was thinking of you." Hmmm. I ended up calling him back on the drive home a couple of hours later and we had a nice, benign talk.

I ought not to read too much into his phone call. But I will say this: it demonstrates that he is thinking of me (more often?), and he is feeling OK with reaching out to me when he wants to. That's OK.

I really think things between MM and me are going well. Goodness knows what the next few weeks/months will bring as we continue to get to know each other, but our relationship is great right now, in my opinion. At least from my perspective, we have passed the phase where there is any uncertainty about whether he'll be asking me out on another date. I know from week to week that we'll be seeing each other. I love being with him and look forward to the time we spend together; at the same time, things are pretty chill and I have plenty of time to spend with my friends or alone. I am not obsessing about him all the time. Sure, I think of him a lot (no shit, I blog about him nearly every day), but our "arrangement" has allowed me to maintain some mental/emotional distance from him. And that's a good thing. As I've mentioned before, I've had a penchant for falling too fast for men. I am seeking to remedy that by my approach to this relationship.

I'm glad it's Friday! J and I are having dinner tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. It seems like a long time since he and I sat down for a good chat. Of course, I talk to him on the phone regularly--we usually talk once or twice a week--but it's been over a month since we had one of our marathon dinners. I love that we can hang out talking about all kinds of random stuff for hours. I really do adore him--in a completely platonic way. Well, it'll never be 100% platonic for me. . . . but 99%. LOL

My workload is going to be increasing dramatically in the near future. My firm is small--only 7 full-time attorneys, including the partners--and one of the attorneys is leaving at the end of next week. I've been re-assigned to 10 of his cases, and that's just from one of the partners; there may be more cases coming from the other two.

I'm glad because I have felt under-utilized the past few months and have been a little worried about not having enough work and not billing enough hours. With this guy leaving the firm, I will probably have more work than I know what to do with. Which will actually be a good thing to me. Things couldn't have gone on as they've been indefinitely. The firm is only paying me the salary they pay in return for my billing clients, after all.

The weather here has been so lovely this week! I love this time of year, when the daytime highs are staying under 90 and there's just a little chill in the air in the mornings. Spring is like this here, too, but I think I like fall better because I appreciate this weather more when it's coming on the heels of the long, hot summer.

TGIF!

Date #7

207.8

I've blogged before about how I think MM's behavior has been somewhat inconsistent with that of someone who wants only a casual relationship. After our phone discussion following our date last night, I think I understand why. But first, to tell about the evening. . .

MM came over a little after 6:00; he got caught in traffic and was a little late (first time he's been late for a date). We had a very chill evening: just went out to Applebee's to get a bite to eat, then hung out and watched some TV at my place. And oh yeah, had sex three times.

MM met Sebastian, and he seemed to really like him. He is definitely allergic to C-Bass--his eyes were itchy & watery, and he got sneezy & sniffly--but his reaction wasn't nearly as bad as either of us had feared. C-Bass didn't seem to bother his asthma at all. . . . which, at least to me, was a much bigger concern than the minor symptoms MM had. I mean, I'm sure congestion and irritated eyes are bothersome, but nothing like an asthma attack.

He was at my place a total of a little over two hours. After he got home, he said his eyes were really irritated from Sebastian, but he felt that it was because he "petted Sebastian too much." He commented a few times about how cute C-Bass is. So the "meeting the dog" part of the evening went OK.

MM seemed so sniffly when he left that I called him about an hour after he'd left to see how he was feeling. We ended up getting into a deep conversation. He had told me during the date that he's been thinking of me a lot since last Saturday, and not even in a sexual way. (LOL) He also said that the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me. Both good things, right?

Well, on the phone, he said that he has been going through some inner turmoil in regard to his feelings for me. On the one hand, he believes that he wants what he told me he wants: no strings, no commitment. On the other hand, he sees real potential for a longer term relationship with me. He thinks I am a "quality person" who is "grounded" and real. From the sounds of it, he has starting to have feelings for me. . . . but he thinks it is too soon for him to have feelings for me ("we've only been out on 7 dates"), and he is finding the prospect more than a little scary. Also, he seems to be under some impression that, as I get to know him better, I'm not going to like him or want to be with him. Not quite sure where *that* is coming from. . .

He had alluded to the fact before, too (date #3), that he struggles with anxiety. He has never been treated in any way for it (and doesn't seem interested in that), but he admits that his anxiety is "irrational" and that it affects his sleep, his relationships, and even his work sometimes. In relation to this, he said that he feels comfortable with me most of the time, but occasionally feels anxious for no discernible reason.

Anyway, he freely admitted that these are all his issues that I am doing nothing to cause. After some discussion, we both agreed that we are doing everything right in the way we are managing our relationship: taking things slowly and getting to know one another before jumping into anything more involved. We are both happy with our current "arrangement," and he didn't say that he wanted to change it (nor did I).

I will be seeing him again on Saturday night. He wants to take me out to dinner at Buca di Beppo (a favorite of mine, though he doesn't know that--SL and I were going to host our wedding dinner there), and maybe out dancing afterwards. He has to volunteer at a work-related thing from 3 to 5 on Saturday, so he's going to come over to my place after that.

I continue to like him. Honestly, as he was talking about his feelings and his fears, I could relate. If I stop and think about "where this is going," I can freak myself out, too. I have really liked him since the first date, actually, and that has not been diminshed by the time we've spent together; if anything, it's increased. He is by no means a perfect person, but I certainly think we are compatible, and I love being with him. The fact that we have great sex together is an added benefit, I will admit. . . . but I'd still be with him without that. I can just tell he's good people. He's smart, he's funny, and it's obvious that he has a very healthy self-concept. (In retrospect, one of the bigger, more global problems with SL was that he had no self-esteem. It's hard to love someone who doesn't even love himself.) He challenges me a little bit, and I like that, too.

I could go on listing great characteristics of MM's, but it really just boils down to this: I like who he is, and I like who I am when I'm with him. To me, that's really what it's all about.
Could I feel differently about him in another 7 dates? Maybe, but I doubt it. He is actually making an effort to put most of his issues out there for me to see--a novel, but not unwelcome approach--and nothing I've heard so far has made me want to take a step back. I kind of get a sense that one of the reasons he tells me these unflattering things is to see the effect that my knowledge of them will have before he gets more emotionally involved.

Well, time will tell. Neither of us is in a hurry. It's all good. :-)

Bye Mom

208.8

I knew I didn't really weigh 206.8 on Monday. Today's weight seems about right to me.

Mom is busy carting her stuff off to the car; she's leaving town this morning. As it turns out, a dear old friend of hers with whom she was going to stay is in the hospital and not doing well. So she is anxious to get on the road and see her; it is about a 6-hour drive away.

I've been straightening up and vacuuming for MM's first visit to my apartment this evening. Well, to be honest, I've more been shoving stuff in the many closets I have than actually sorting and putting away. LOL Out of sight is good enough; I doubt he'll be opening closets and looking through them. ;-)

Not much more to tell. . . .

No obligation

209.0 (eh)

One of the risks of daily weighing: the scale goes up & down a lot. I actually had a really good eating day, right up until dinner, and I drank lots of water. . . probably about 3 liters. But then last night I ate out and had chicken enchiladas in a cream sauce with a margarita. So I'd venture to say that's why I "gained" 2.2 lbs since yesterday.

I'd planned to hit the grocery store for some healthy food after work last night, but then I got a call from a Tucson friend who was in Mesa for some training. So instead of shopping and going home, I drove out to meet her for dinner. It was good to see her and catch up.

MM text'd me yesterday afternoon. Awww. First message, he just text'd to say hi and see how I was doing. After a few messages back and forth, he had arranged to see me on Wednesday evening. So I'll be seeing him again in about 36 hours.

Of course, he is not obliged to contact me every day. . . . but it usually works out that way nonetheless. (We have gone a day or two without talking or texting since our second date, but that's it.) When I think about "our arrangement," it kind of makes me laugh. Aside from the lack of commitment--which is a little beside the point, since both of us have said we have no interest in dating others--the only thing different about our relationship from a typical boyfriend/girlfriend one is its title.

Also, I am no novice at dating. Hell, I am 36 years old, and I've never married. I have been with my fair share of men. And I can tell that MM is totally into me.

Just for a reality check, I have run some of his behaviors past some neutral observers (J, a married friend at work, and a couple of single girlfriends). All concur that the guy is into me. I mean, it's just obvious. On Saturday, he told me twice that I was "beautiful." Now I am by no means ugly or plain, but I am not beautiful. Pretty, maybe. I'm only beautiful if you're into me. ;-)

The little things he does lead me to believe his interest in me is more than casual. Just to share a few. . . last Thursday at the movies, he was playing with my hair--twirling it around his finger & such--and he actually kissed a strand of it. When we went to the hockey game, he brought a hoodie sweatshirt for me to wear without my even asking because he thought I'd be cold otherwise. And don't even get me started on our pillow talk. I have learned more about this man just lying in bed with him the past two weekends than I probably would have learned in another 10 dates. He has told me quite a lot of personal stuff. . . some of it quite unflattering. In my experience, men don't generally confess embarrassing stuff to you if they're just keeping things light and fun.

Well, whatever. It works for him, and it's working for me, too. Right now I just want to be with MM; I don't care what label we put on it.

Today is Mom's last day in town. We are going out to a yummy nearby BBQ place for dinner. Afterwards I need to clean up the apartment in preparation for MM's visit tomorrow. Wednesday evening will be his first time coming to my place and his first time meeting Sebastian. I am a little anxious about how badly allergic to Sebastian he will be. Well, we'll see.

Neutral zone

206.8 (huh?!)

I am truly perplexed by my weight above. Allow me to outline my weekend eating; then it'll be clear why I'm surprised.

Friday night:

beef gyro, flatbread with hummus

Saturday:

nonfat caffe mocha & chocolate cinnamon bread from Starbucks

bratwurst & potato salad (Oktoberfest)

hot dog & nachos (hockey game)

Sunday:

breakfast sandwich w/sausage, egg, & cheese, fruit smoothie

nonfat caffe mocha

roasted corn, fry bread w/refried beans (state fair)

Not exactly healthful fare. The closest I got to eating vegetables were the corn and the jalapenos on my Saturday night nachos. LOL

I also didn't exercise this weekend. . . . unless you include at least 8 (yes, 8) sex acts and strolling around the fairgrounds as exercise. ;-)

So between my crappy eating and essentially no exercise, I am more than a little surprised to see the scale down this morning--and so significantly down! Maybe I am dehydrated.

I am actually craving some healthy food. I am going to hit the grocery store after work today and pick up a few things. Not only is all this eating out not particularly good for me, it's also getting expensive.

I got up and did my walk/jog this morning. Sebastian and I went outside, and it is just lovely this morning: a slight (very slight) nip in the air, sunny, cloudless. Not sure of our distance, but we were out for just under 40 minutes.

I feel fantastic this morning. I had a good workout, and I slept a ton. I was EXHAUSTED most of yesterday, so I went to bed before 8:00 last night. I slept almost straight through until 6:15. So I should be pretty well rested.

I'm already starting with the water. I'm going to drink extra today, just in case that lower weight on the scale IS due to the dehydration. . . .

I saw MM on Saturday. We had a fabulous time together! I arrived at his place just before 4:00 in the afternoon. Before 5:00, we had already had sex 3 times (in a few different positions & locations). . . . then we went to a Phoenix Coyotes hockey game. We got great seats: we were 3 rows behind the visitors' bench, so very close to the ice. We could actually read the players' lips when they were trash-talking to each other, so that was fun. At the end of the third period, a fight broke out right in front of us. Nice.

I had forgotten how much fun going to a hockey game is. Back in 2000, my boyfriend here in Phoenix had season tickets to the Coyotes, so I went to a lot of games then. The pace of the game is pretty fast, so it's exciting to watch, and they play a lot of music in the arena between plays. Good times.

Being with MM was easy and comfortable, as it generally has been. MM commented more than once after we got back to his place about what a great time he had with me at the game. I think going to the game showed him a little different side of me than he's seen before. All our previous dates have been very traditional, just dinner or dinner and a movie. I know from experience that not every woman makes a good date to a sporting event, and I know that I do. I actually like hockey, and I understand it. I watch the game, and I don't annoy my date by chatting during key plays or wanting to get up and walk around during the game. (Chalk this up to all those years of training by my father, who is a sports fanatic.) If I talk to my date, I primarily talk about the game.

The quality and pace of the sexual aspect of our relationship continues to amaze me. Honestly, I don't know if I'd break up with the guy even if I didn't like him, the sex is so great. All the better that I actually do like him and enjoy his company out of the bedroom, too. LOL

As we were lying in bed Saturday night, MM mentioned how happy he is with "our arrangement." He loves that I don't have any expectations of him and that he doesn't feel obliged to call me and check in daily. (May I add that, despite this fact, we do communicate either via text or phone almost every day.) He loves that I give him space and am flexible about our plans. . . . both when we get together and what we do on our dates. He said that things are "perfect for now" and thanked me for letting him be "independent." He also mentioned again how the thought of being with anyone else is the furthest thing from his mind; in fact, he said that even when he sees hot women at the gym, he has no more than a fleeting interest in checking them out. He joked that he wouldn't have the energy for anyone else anyway, because he needs almost a full week of recovery after a night with me. LOL

I have never been in a relationship like this one with MM. At the ripe old age of 36 (LOL), I've realized that every time I've dated someone, I've been very goal-oriented. My goal has been to find out if a man is husband material. If he's not, I get rid of him; if he is, I want to "move things forward."

For the first time with MM, I am not feeling this. And it's really nice. It feels a little odd at times, because it's unfamiliar. . . but it's good. It's the kind of odd feeling you get when you push yourself to do something outside your comfort zone.

Not that I don't obsess over MM or think about a possible future with him. . . . I'd hardly be the S my friends & family know and love if I stopped obsessing. LOL It's just that my only goal is to enjoy MM and the relationship. I don't know if I will be satisfied with our "arrangement" three months from now, but I certainly am right now.

Not sure when I'll see him again, but I know I will and I know it will be soon. He continues to do double duty at work--he was out working yesterday afternoon while I was at the fair with KC--so it's uncertain when he'll be available. He mentioned that he would like to see me during the week again this week, as well as on the weekend, if he's able. And I'm good with that.

Mom is leaving on Wednesday morning. It has been good having her here. In a way, it will also be good to have my place to myself again.

I've made no definite plans for this week as yet. My friend M from Tucson is in town for some training, and we will likely go to dinner one night this week, but I'm not sure which. Otherwise, I'm pretty wide open. I'd like to see J this weekend; he and I haven't hung out alone together since the week before I started seeing MM. Unless he has a really brutal exam next Monday, I'm sure that can be arranged.

Date #5

209.6

I went out on my 5th date with MM last night and had a good time. We went out to one of my favorite local pizza places, then saw Eastern Promises (which was quite good, though graphically violent).

I'd kind-of thought that once we had sex, things would change between us. I figured MM would be less affectionate, less considerate. . . . because oftentimes with men, these behaviors are a ploy to get a woman into their beds.

Not so with MM. If anything, he is more affectionate and sweeter to me now than before. Awww. We could barely keep our hands off each other during the movie. I thought that would subside a bit, too, once we slept together, but it shows no signs of abating. I feel like I'm 16 years old when I'm with him! It's crazy.

Conversation between us continues to be easy, and we are both keeping things light. Obviously we are getting more comfortable with each other, too, since we're getting to know each other better. He is not a perfect person, but then neither am I. . . . and I wouldn't expect him to be. Perfection is boring: I like to know a person's flaws. I think you really love someone for his/her faults, not necessarily the good points. I know I think fondly of all my friends' particular quirks, and vice versa.

Actually, I am beginning to think that he and I are a lot alike in some ways. Thirty minutes after I'd returned home from the date--which would be right about the time he'd be arriving home--he called me. He called because, on the drive home, he started getting concerned that something he'd done toward the end of the date had offended me. He thought I might be mad at him and wanted to apologize. The irony of the situation was that I was in no way offended or angry.

I had to laugh when I got off the phone because it was totally the kind of thing I'd do. I assured MM that if and when he makes me angry, he won't have to wonder about it because he'll know for sure that I'm mad. LOL When it comes to anger, I don't play those subtle passive games that most women play. Men are always made aware if they've pissed me off.

Even though I wasn't mad or offended, I found his call touching and sweet. He said he was all worried that I'd "never go out on another date with him." As if! We will be seeing each other again on Saturday. We've pretty much left our plans open-ended; the only thing I know for sure we'll be doing is spending the night at his place. . . . ;-)

I still feel all giddy when I think of him. When I stop and think logically about this, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. When the rise is like this has been, the fall is usually devastating. Ah well. I'm still going there. . . . I just won't think logically about it. LOL

(Later. . . . ) Upon re-reading this post, I thought: do I have nothing else going on in my life besides MM?? One would certainly think so from reading this blog over the past few weeks! The fact of the matter is, I still have the same full life I had before. I'm enjoying my job and learning more every day; I still spend time with my friends here and keep up with my many far-flung friends, too; Mom is here until next Wednesday; and I can't wait to see my baby nephew at Thanksgiving.

I added this to my post to remind myself that, no matter where things go with MM, my life is full of good things that have absolutely zero to do with him. I am blessed, with or without this man in my life. Much as I am enjoying my relationship with MM on every level, I am complete without him. If (when?) things go south with MM, this will be a very good thing for me to bear in mind.

Should I feel guilty?

210.4

In regards to the question in my subject line, I want to first make clear: I don't feel guilty. I'm just pondering whether I should feel guilty. Clear?

The majority of my friends are open about sex, not-at-all-prudish, and not religious. A few of my friends, though, do not, under any circumstances engage in casual sex. They just don't go there at all until/unless there are significant feelings and commitment involved.

To be frank, while I am by no means a slut--I've averaged less than a man a year since losing my virginity--I also have never been one to say I absolutely must wait until I'm in love. The fact of the matter is, I'm a pretty sexual person and have been for as long as I can remember. Even so, more often than not, I have turned away opportunities for easy sex if I knew nothing more would come of a relationship. . . . but not always.

In college, with the first few men I slept with, I was much closer to my strict Catholic upbringing and did often feel guilty about having sex to men who weren't my husband. (The thought makes me chuckle a little now. . . . ) I never truly planned to wait until marriage--because I didn't plan to marry young and I was curious about sex--but I did want to keep my number of partners to a respectable minimum.

It's been years since I felt guilty for having sex with a man. But should I? I wonder if this lack of guilt is somehow a sign that I no longer have the high moral standards I once had.

Well, as I said in my first sentence: I don't feel guilty! I'm glad I had sex with MM, and I can't wait to have it again. The odds that he will be the last man I ever sleep with seem quite slim, but I don't care. I'm going to enjoy it anyway. ;-)

Is that wrong?

Prophecy

209.0

My week is off to a good start. I've been reviewing records and reports for a case we are defending that just has horrible, horrible facts: suffice it to say that some of the sex crimes cases I prosecuted weren't as troubling. I have finally finished that review and drafted most of the memo summarizing the information we have. I should finish that today, and I'll be very glad to put it behind me.

MM called yesterday on his way home from work to set up a date for Thursday evening. (As predicted, he has to work this evening.) And we talked again later because I forgot to ask him something and had to call him back. I'm still likin' him! :) I wish I didn't have to wait until Thursday to see him again, but the anticipation will be good for me.

We are seeing each other on Saturday also. I have been charged with thinking of "something fun" for us to do in the afternoon. I'm thinking if the weather is good we might go for a hike; I've found a couple of trails within 20-30 minutes of his house that wouldn't be too arduous. My one hesitation about going hiking with MM is that he is clearly in way better shape than me. LOL Oh well. . . .

I'm having dinner with C tonight. It hasn't been long since I've seen her--I was just at her house for a dinner party the night after my first date with MM--but it'll be great to be one-on-one and talk in a way that we couldn't at her house that night.

Tomorrow night Mom & I are meeting KC for dinner, time and place to be decided. So it should be a pretty full week; the only day I have nothing planned is Friday.

I've had a couple of pieces of sad news recently. A friend recently got back biopsy results that are not good. Obviously this has little effect on me personally, but she is worried, and I am concerned for her. And an old and dear friend of mine, H, has decided to divorce her husband of seven-and-a-half years. Her reasons are sound; I can find no fault with them. It just makes me sad because I actually like him, and they have two small children (not-quite-3 yrs. and 13 mos. old).

H is my 5th friend to divorce in the past 12-18 mos. I remember that, in the 6 months before SL & I got engaged, 3 friends had filed for divorce; two more have done so since then. It's been crazy. Knowing about all these divorces somehow reinforces my decision to stand my ground with SL and ultimately end things with him. I know we could have added our divorce to the growing number if we'd gone through with our wedding.

I am particularly sad about H and her husband. They are two intelligent and educated people, and I know that they worked hard on their marriage. Up until the past several months, I always thought of them as one of the happier married couples I know. They were one of only a few couples who, when I looked at their marriage, I'd think: that wouldn't be a bad thing to be in. I attended their wedding. Ah well.

I harken back once more to a comment my mom made to me in my early 20's. At that age, many of my friends and acquaintances were getting married. My life was so far from moving in that direction! I once lamented in Mom's hearing "everybody else is going to be married before me." Her response was "Honey, before you're ready to get married, half these people will be divorced and back out on the market." I don't generally think of Mom as a prophet. . . . but in this one instance, she was on the mark.

Words of wisdom from the woman who also once told me, when I said I was afraid I'd never have a child of my own "Well, if you don't, you'll just find other things to do with your time." Way to show how motherhood is the most important job you've ever done, Mom. LOL My mom sure doesn't sugar-coat things for ya.

Headaches suck

208.6

Waking up with a headache sucks. I really hate it. I've taken some ibuprofen and am hoping that this is just your garden variety tension headache that will not blossom into something more that will prevent me from continuing my day. Aargh. . . .

I'm not jogging this morning because of my frickin' headache. Sebastian and I jogged around the neighborhood yesterday, and it was SO nice! The complex's exercise room is being recarpeted, so all the gym equipment is currently removed. I couldn't have jogged on the treadmill yesterday even if I'd wanted to.

Today is supposed to be back to hot weather; the forecast high temp is 97. I'm about ready for this sh1t to be over. I know I live in a desert, but enough already!

I concluded my day last night by exchanging a few naughty texts with MM. After a while, he actually suggested I come over, and he was not kidding. But I didn't because it was late and I had to get up early today. And anyway, it's good for him to lie at home alone, wanting me. LOL

I'm going to court this morning on my lone criminal case (a misdemeanor charge of leaving the scene of an accident). I am hoping we can resolve the case today; we'll see.

Ugh! I hate having a headache. . . .

Exceeds expectations

208.6

I've felt disinclined to blog this weekend until now. Not sure why. I certainly have things I could write about, so it's not the usual lack of interesting things to tell. Maybe I'm just not driven by my usual obssessive feelings.

I went over to MM's on Friday night as planned, and the evening turned out pretty much as I thought it would. . . . except that we ended up eating dinner in instead of out and MM far exceeded my expectations in bed. ;-) All in all, it was one of the most satisfying nights I've had in a long, long time. I had actually forgotten what sex like that could be like. Wow.

Today is MM's 34th birthday. He told me Friday night that he expected a call from me today, and he got one. We had a nice 20-minute chat, then less than an hour later, we exchanged a few naughty text messages. LOL He had a relaxed day planned: usual weekend stuff, like errands & gym, followed by dinner with his parents.

Did I forget to mention that he'd also called me yesterday morning to thank me for the date on Friday? It was a brief call, but appreciated nonetheless. . . . particularly in light of the fact that he had things planned for literally the entire day and well into the evening.

As I thought I might, I am feeling much more clear-headed about MM now. I'm still happy with the way things are going, and I am enjoying what we have going to the full. It's a little odd for me to actually relax and let a man take the lead for a change. . . . but I'm enjoying it. ;-) However brief and casual our relationship may end up being, I have absolutely no regrets about my decision to sleep with him. In fact, knowing what I know. . . . I'll say that it would have been a damn shame if I hadn't. LOL

We are going to get together during the week again this week, either for a movie or to watch the D-Backs, depending on whether we see each other on Tuesday or Thursday. His work schedule this week will be a bit chaotic and less predictable than usual, so we didn't make firm plans yet. I'm fine with it. I know he wants to see me again, and I feel the same.

We haven't talked about weekend plans yet, but I am 99% sure we will be seeing each other on the weekend, too. This coming weekend will be my mom's last in town and KC is off, so I'm sure I will have plenty to do, with or without MM in the mix. But I have little doubt that he will want to be with me.

As for the rest of my weekend, I have spent quite a bit of time relaxing & spending time with Mom. Yesterday evening, she & I met J and his friend for a movie: No End in Sight. Deeply disturbing, but worth seeing. Last night I met my friend E and a few other people at a local Indian casino. I stayed 2 hours, lost $30 and called it a night. It was fun hanging out with E again, however briefly.

This morning Mom & I took Sebastian to the dog park. He had a good time. I ran into a former co-worker from Tucson there; it was good to see her.

The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous all weekend: sunny, high temps in the low 80's, with just a slight breeze. MM commented this morning that we should've gone hiking, and he was right; it was perfect weather for it. I hope we'll be having many more weekends like this now.

Another week starts tomorrow. It's nice not to dread going to work! I spent a lot of time last week reviewing employment records, and this week will likely be some more of that and who knows what else.

Roller coaster

210.0

Weight above: two days of no exercise and a heavy pasta dinner (including a second serving after 9:00) will make the scale go up. Maybe I was just carb-loading for tonight's date. LOL

Once again, I'm glad it's Friday. This week at work hasn't been too bad; I've had more work to do (though I'm still not billing as many hours as I'm supposed to be), and things seem to be picking up. I've watched the first two Diamondbacks v. Cubs games; the D-backs won both, so that's been exciting.

Yesterday I scheduled a pedicure over my lunch hour. . . . can't have sex for the first time with ungroomed feet. LOL Just as I was driving out of the parking lot to go, my phone rang and it was MM. He called to give me directions to his place and firm up our plans for tonight. He was strangely chatty and apologized for not calling me the night before, though he'd never said he would, nor was I expecting him to. Turns out he had to work; his surveillance officer is out for personal reasons for a few weeks, and he will be pulling double duty until he returns. He is going to have a busy three weeks coming up.

We only talked for 7-8 minutes. When I reached the salon and told him I had to get off the phone, he actually sounded a bit put out that I was getting off "so abruptly," as he put it. Mind you, at this point, we were only talking in a random way. . . . mostly about the naughty text messages I'd sent him yesterday morning. The dynamic of the conversation was a little unexpected, coming from someone who wants to "keep things casual." But it was great to hear from him. He really has a sexy voice. . . . I've thought that since our first phone conversation. ;-)

I am excited at the prospect of spending the evening with MM. Our date's almost 12 hours away, and I already have butterflies in my stomach. I'm hoping we'll have sex and that it'll be good, of course. . . . but just knowing that I will be with him, talking & joking, is enough to get me excited. Aye, aye, aye. I think I'm in trouble with this one. But I'm enjoying the ride.

I have decided that I am just going to keep conversation between us light & fun. I know I can be intense, and I sense MM has the same tendency. We have already had some pretty deep talks for two people who have only been out on three dates. I want tonight to just be breezy & relaxed & enjoyable. I'm sure if I make an effort to steer things that way, he will go along. Goodness knows, it'll be for the best.

Then what?

208.4

In typical S fashion, I have been thinking a lot about MM over the past 24 hours. Our very premature discussion about "where this is going" gave me quite a bit of food for thought. First, it made me think about what *I* am looking for, and second, it made me think about whether what he says he wants is in line with that.

I will start off by saying that I do think it's better for me to know what's in his head, but in many ways, I wish we'd not had this talk yet. In a way, although he believe he was honest with me, I feel that asking him to elucidate his thoughts/feelings on the matter at this stage is just premature. How can he know what he wants with me when he doesn't even totally know me yet?

Though if we would have had it eventually, I guess sooner is better than later. I certainly need to know if we don't really want the same thing.

As I see it currently--and I have gone back and forth on this--I think I will want more than he does out of the situation. Casual dating is fine as far as it goes, and most relationships start out that way; the only real difference from one to the next seems to be the time you spend in that phase.

My main concern: what happens if/when I fall for him and want to be more involved? If I should continue to date him, given what I know now, I feel, to some degree, that I am giving tacit approval to the terms he wants: no commitment or exclusivity, no expectations. And while I think that this level of involvement is certainly appropriate for us today, having been out on three dates. . . . I also think there is a distinct possibility that I won't feel this way in a few weeks or months, should we keep seeing each other.

Right or wrong, I tend to feel things deeply or not at all. If I like you, I really, really like you; if I don't like you, I just want you gone. I think that, whatever I intellectually believe might be a good set-up for me here, there is the distinct possibility that my emotions are going to override my logic at some point.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that I've reached a point where I want a deeper relationship with MM, and I'm not saying I know that I will reach that point. For all I know, I could decide to never go on a fifth date with him (date #4 is pretty much guaranteed, unless he changes his mind in the next 36 hours). I am still getting to know him, still learning what he is about, and vice versa. But if I follow my usual pattern--and I have no reason to think that I won't--and we keep seeing each other, I suspect there will come a point where casual is not enough for me.

I guess I've realized that, regardless of what I'm looking for, I recognize that there is a high likelihood that I am going to get quite emotionally involved here. Doing so with MM, knowing that, in his own words, he "doesn't want a girlfriend," seems to me a risky proposition.

I reject the proposition suggested by some of my friends (& my mother) that he doesn't really want what he says he wants. While I will admit that some of his behavior has been quite inconsistent with someone who only wants to keep things casual, I believe that I have to take him at his word and take those words at face value. There is no reason for me to read things into what he says. The best policy is to assume he is being honest and open, until/unless I have reason to believe otherwise. Particularly when he is telling me something that he may know is not what I want to hear. (Though, who knows? Given his assumptions about my expectations, post break-up with SL, this may have been what he thought I wanted to hear.)

I suppose the question then becomes "what do I do about this?" Aside from my thought that doing so gives tacit approval to what he says he wants, I see no harm in continuing the relationship as it is for now. I like him and enjoy hanging out with him. Frankly, I just am not willing to stop seeing him yet, just because of one conversation that didn't go the way I'd hoped. The problem is that, when I reach the point where I'm beginning to have deeper feelings for him and wanting to be more involved, it's probably going to be a lot harder to step back.

I am considering talking to him about this, but I have a feeling that we've already talked too much about it for where we're at. So I'm leaning toward just maintaining the status quo until/unless I reach the point where I'm no longer satisfied with the way things are. I don't think there is any reason that I couldn't bring this up in a few weeks or months when/if my feelings change. There is a risk there, but it can only be completely removed by no longer dating him. . . . which I'm not prepared to do at this point.

I had forgotten what an emotional roller coaster dating can be. It's fun, to be sure, and exciting. . . . but I can get hurt, too. In my giddiness, I'd kind of lost sight of that until now.

Casual dating

208.0 (not bad for the morning after Cheesecake Factory)

I'm not even quite sure where to begin. MM and I had a fun third date last night: short, compared to our first two dates. We met for dinner, chatted (& made out) in the car for a while, then got ice cream. On the whole, I would say things went well. Unlike our first two dates, though, there were a few times when each of us felt a little awkward. . . . he asked me a question or two that I felt a bit uncomfortable answering and the reverse was also true.

The interesting thing was that we acknowledged our awkward feelings and talked about it. To me, it is unusual the way I feel that we can talk about just about anything openly. I tend to be quite straightforward myself, but I know that that communication style does not work well for many men.

There will no doubt be some reading this entry who will disagree with my decision, but I'm going to have sex with him on Friday when I go to his place for the evening. Honestly, I no longer see what there is to be gained by waiting. It has been several months since I had sex at all, and I hadn't had really satisfying sex in nearly a year prior to that (long story). Even though MM is not my usual physical type, he is in good shape and really turns me on. I suppose it's open to debate whether any man who showed interest would turn me on at this point--LOL--but I doubt it because that's never been true before. It is growing increasingly hard for me to deny myself, and I don't see the point, particularly in light of our later conversation. So I'm just going to do him. LOL

I came to this decision about the sex thing during the date. After we parted ways to drive home, I called him, hoping to gain a little insight into how things would shake out if we slept together by asking him about what he would do to me in bed. This conversation started out as a fun, light chat and somehow morphed into a (way premature) talk about "where this is going." Aye, aye, aye.

Even though we both thought it was too soon to be discussing this, I'm glad we did. The bottom line: he is looking to keep things casual; apparently he has had some bad luck with his last few relationships. He says he has engaged in a pattern of getting attached quickly and then getting hurt when things go south. (Note: I can totally relate.) He is satisfied with his life as it is now, but wants someone he can hang out and have a good time with. He is not wholly opposed to getting more deeply involved eventually, but he's not looking for that specifically and not soon. He wants someone in his life, but doesn't want a "girlfriend."

MM told me that he had assumed that, given the fact that I'd be engaged until earlier this year, I was not looking for anything serious at the moment either. He figured I wouldn't want to get right into another relationship after ending a serious and long-term relationship like that so recently.

As he was explaining all this to me, I realized that, though I wanted to know what his expectations were, I wasn't totally clear on what mine are. Upon further reflection, I've realized that I've very seldom casually dated anyone. Usually things progress very rapidly after the first few dates once the man and I realize there is something there worth pursuing. For example, SL and I were seeing each other 3-4 times a week within a couple of weeks of our first date (and talking daily on the phone). The same could be said of the other two longer relationships I had with men in my 20's: RC, who I lived with and dated from '94 to '96, moved in with me after we'd been dating for a month; and I was seeing RD, who I dated in '00, 3-4 times a week by the 3rd or 4th date.

I will say that I think there is some merit to keeping things light and casual. I am not looking to jump feet-first right into a new relationship. I like MM; I enjoy his company and the time we spend together, and I think I will enjoy sex with him (though I'll know after Friday). I'd like to get to know him better before I make any kind of commitment and before I allow my emotions to get deeply involved. At this point, there is what could be called friendship and lust between us. . . . and while I know this can sometimes evolve into more, it doesn't have to.

Is there anything wrong with knowing that this is what the relationship will be? I have a full life without MM in it: I don't *need* him. Seeing him once or twice a week and talking occasionally when it's convenient, with no commitment from either of us, should be just what the doctor ordered.

My only real reservation about this kind of arrangement is that I generally prefer exclusivity with someone I'm having sex with. But I don't believe it would be appropriate for me to ask him for exclusivity after 3-4 dates anyway. By definition, the kind of relationship MM has described would not be a commitment, and we would both be free to pursue other people, if the opportunity arose. He says that he thinks it is unlikely that he would actively seek out anyone else to date, so long as things were going well between us, but doesn't want to promise that he wouldn't pursue someone if the opportunity happened to present itself. For my part, I feel the same: I tend to be single-minded when I'm dating someone. On the other hand, keeping the option of dating others open could be a good thing. Who knows what might happen?

In any event, I'm a big girl. I should be able to handle sleeping with MM, even knowing that the possibility that he might date someone else--however unlikely--is out there.

Coincidentally, J sent me a text message toward the end of my conversation with MM, saying he hoped the date was going well. I replied once we hung up, and J called me immediately back. So he got an earful about all this, as I was still trying to process everything in my mind. For what it's worth, J thinks it was a good thing we had this talk (though premature), and doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are going. He'd be the first to admit that his perspective is likely not that of the typical male, but it's a male perspective nonetheless.

So we'll see. I suppose I'm not really in a different position than I would have been had MM and I not discussed all this; he would have still had the same feelings regardless. I believe it's a good thing to know where he's at in his head, though. And I'm looking forward to sex with him on Friday. ;-) I know, I know: I'm bad.

Heart attack?

As the day wears on, I am getting more excited & nervous at the prospect of seeing MM again. My chest feels tight, and I have butterflies in my stomach. Actually, if I had more risk factors and no reason for these feelings, I might think I'm having a heart attack. LOL

It is a little scary to be this excited about someone. I get the sense that he is as into me as I am into him. . . . but can you ever really know? It's fun, but nerve-racking at the same time. The uncertainty, I guess, is part of the excitement.

I sure wish I had something more engaging to work on at the moment so I wouldn't be thinking about this so much. . . . . .

Mood: Giddy

207.8

I'm excited for my dinner with MM tonight! He sent me a text message around 8:45 last night. Monday is a long day in the office for him, so I really didn't expect to hear from him; he might've just been getting home for the evening when he text messaged me.

The text message made me feel extra special because, on our first date, he told me that he had never sent one. . . so I showed him how. Awww. ;-)

I just finished my 2 miles on the treadmill (29 min, 37 sec). I felt like wimping out about halfway through, but I pushed on and finished. I'm proud of myself for that! I have a tendency to go too easy on myself most of the time; it annoys me. I know I can do more, if I just push myself a little.

Week is off to an OK start at work. I have some annoying tasks to complete today, so that sucks, but at least I have a date to look forward to this evening.

Not much else is going on. Mom is back and seems mostly recovered from her hours & hours of driving around California. She is staying until the weekend of October 19th; then my dad & stepmom are coming for the next weekend. It's weird: I usually goes months without seeing either of my parents. It's a good thing, though.

Happy Tuesday!

Temptation

207.8

I have no explanation for the weight above. I didn't weigh yesterday because I was staying with a friend in Tucson, and my last weight was 208.4. I really didn't think I did much this weekend to facilitate weight loss: I drank wine and ate out every meal. Maybe unsatisfied lust burns extra calories? ;)

I had a lot of fun in Tucson. It's always good to see my friends there, and of course, the city feels like home since it was my home for 6+ years. I missed seeing a couple of folks, but hope to catch up with them when they're up here in Phoenix in the next month or so.

I will say that I must be getting used to living in Phoenix because this trip back to Tucson didn't make me long to be back there as much as my last trip 5 weeks ago. Sounds like I'm adjusting to being here. . . .

I've talked to MM a few times since my last entry. I called him for about 3 minutes on Saturday morning, just to thank him for a good time on Friday night; we exchanged a few text messages on Saturday night; and we had a 45-minute phone conversation last night when I got back. At his suggestion, we are meeting for dinner on Tuesday evening after work. And we are planning to get together Friday night, too. He wants me to come over to his place on Friday, but I'm undecided about whether that is a good idea.

I told him I'd come to his house on Friday if he promised not to try to lure me into his bed. To which he responded "why would you want me to promise that?" I told him that I know he's a man of his word, and that if he promises that, he'll stick to it. His response to that was "I can't promise that." LOL

As tempted as I am to just go ahead and have sex with him--and believe me, I am tempted--I think it will be a better thing in the long run to wait. What I know about him so far I like very much. . . . but the fact of the matter is that I don't really know him that well yet. I get the distinct impression that once we sleep together, we are both going to become quite preoccupied with that aspect of our relationship. Hell, based on last night's conversation, we are both already preoccupied with that part of the relationship! LOL But actually going there is only going to increase this tendency.

I see potential here for something longer than a few dates, and I think that's the primary reason I want to hold off. I don't doubt that he will continue to see me even if I have sex with him; I just want to prolong this phase of the relationship a little. And I know it is somewhat perverse of me to feel this way, but I kind of enjoy NOT satisfying my lust for a man. Plus, he is extremely affectionate now, and who knows if that will end once we sleep together. ;)

One last side note, and then no more on MM today. I learned last night that he has had asthma and severe allergies since he was a young child and is allergic to dogs. :-( I don't know what I am going to do about Sebastian when/if MM ever comes over to our house. . . . I'm a little afraid he might have an asthma attack in my bed! LOL Oh well, I'll worry about it later.

Not sure what this week will hold at work. I don't have much on my calendar, but one of the partners approached me on Friday to work on a few cases with him representing governmental entities. These cases have lots more paperwork because of all the bureaucracy involved, so I'll probably spend a chunk of time just getting up to speed on those files.

I can hardly believe it's already October 1st! Three months from today will be 2008. I must say that, in a way, I will be glad to see 2007 come to an end. It's been a difficult year for me in many ways, with lots of changes. Time will tell whether these changes will turn out to be for the better.