220.6

Just a quick note before I hop in the shower to get ready for work.

I actually got up and walked this morning! At last! Sebastian and I did 28 minutes on a nearby trail. He saw about 15 huge lizards, which thrilled him.

I am very frickin' out-of-shape. My knees and lower back hurt during the walk: something that has NEVER happened to me before! I'm glad I am getting back on track.

This morning's weight just illustrates the difference between weighing in the evening versus weighing in the morning; I don't really believe that I have already lost 4.2 lbs after one day on program with WW.

More later, ta ta for now!

Headache again

224.8 (sigh)

Woke up again this morning with a migraine. I think that is the fourth headache I've had in the past week. I took meds, called my secretary to tell her I'd be in late (if at all), & eventually fell back asleep. . . but by the time I woke up, it was afternoon & going to work for just a few hours seemed pointless.

Not quite sure why I am getting so many headaches lately--maybe Zoloft withdrawal?--my stress level is relatively low & I am drinking lots of water. Ah well. Thank God for ibuprofen & Imitrex.

I went and re-joined WW as planned last night. The meeting was unexpectedly emotional for me. I weighed 12.6 lbs more than my start weight back in January 2003, which was 212.2. More than a little depressing, as this is my highest weight ever.

On a positive note, I am feeling enthusiastic about "working the program." Now that my darn headache is finally gone, I am going to work out on the elliptical trainer in our complex's exercise room this evening (it's way too hot to go walking outside). SL seems enthusiastic about WW, too. Baby steps.

I think I am going to take advantage of being home from work much earlier than usual to get some de-cluttering done. I have an impetus to clean the guest room now as my friend D's 10-year-old son is coming out to stay with me for a weekend one month from today. Not even a 10-year-old could sleep in that room as it is currently: too much crap!

Another new start

I am joining Weight Watchers tonight (for--I think--the fourth time). Tuesday evenings at 7:00 p.m. seem like a day/time that will work for me. Also, a woman from my office also goes to that meeting and says she likes the leader.

I am actually excited to re-join. I hope my enthusiasm continues.

Now if I can just figure out a way to get my lazy carcass out of bed earlier to take Sebastian for a morning walk. I also may start participating in a work-sponsored walking program; they are opening the local convention center over the lunch hour for people to walk. (It is WAY too hot here in the summers to be walking outside: it hasn't been under 105 for the daytime high in almost two weeks.)

SL is enthusiastic, too. We both really, really need to do something about our weight.

I am completely off the Zoloft now; I took the last half-dose on Sunday morning. I am also completely off birth control since last Thursday. I figure my body will be completely drug free later this week.

I am also switching doctors. The practice I was assigned to was just too hard to get an appointment with. (I'd also had a bad experience with a covering physician there once.) The new doctor is right next door to SL's work. My initial consultation with her is on July 10th.

Not much else to tell. It's blistering hot! Slow week at work due to the judicial conference.

Awkwardness re marital status

Odd comment from my sister V this morning on the telephone. She said that my father told her that SL & I are getting married! He based this information on a brief conversation during this past weekend's visit. That conversation went something like this:

Dad: So, have you & (SL) talked about marriage?

Me: We've talked about it, as far as when & where we'd do it if we decide to do it. And we both think our relationship is probably headed that way eventually.

Dad: Well, I don't see an engagement ring, ha ha ha.

Me: Well (SL) is not impulsive and likes to take things slowly, so it would probably take him more than 16 months to make that kind of decision. It took him almost 3 months just to ask me for a date.

Stepmom: But you HAVE talked about marriage?

Me: Yes

(Nodding all around)

That was pretty much the extent of it. And from that he got the impression that we are going to get married. Interesting.

V was 99% sure it wasn't true because she knows I would definitely tell her before Dad if I got engaged. We both had a little chuckle over it, actually. I told her I think that Stepmom initiated this conversation because she is bothered by the fact that SL & I "live in sin." Because she & Dad were letting us sleep in the same room at their house, I think it made her feel better to believe we are thisclose to getting married.

I am 35 years old and have never been married. (I've never even been engaged, though I have lived with one other man besides SL, had 3 bona fide marriage proposals, and had one other relationship at age 28/29 that I thought would lead to marriage.) Believe it or not, the fact that I am never-married is not a big deal to me. I will admit that there have been times in my adult life that I have despaired of ever marrying and have been very bothered by my single status. But I had some kind of mental shift during law school, in my early 30s, and now I am fine with the idea of never getting married. I love SL and am very happy with our relationship. But to be honest, aside from his expressed desire that we be married before we have a child, I really don't care whether we marry or not.

The way I see it, SL & I have a good, healthy relationship as is. I am not a church-going person who is bothered by our current arrangement, nor are any of the people close to me (with the notable exception of my stepmom & perhaps my dad). I am not financially dependent on SL, nor is he on me. I don't really see what getting married would add to our relationship. We already have a commitment; neither of us is going anywhere. And I think each of us would want to retain a certain degree of independence & autonomy in certain areas of our lives, even we did marry: I know *I* would, after 35 years of singlehood.

I know from the experience of friends and from my own parents that the simple act of getting legally married doesn't guarantee that your relationship will last. The commitment happens in your mind and in your heart or not at all; having a formal ceremony just puts the world on notice of it and makes things legal. It certainly seems to give an air of legitimacy to your relationship in the eyes of many people.

I have felt a lot of "peer pressure" to marry ever since we moved in together last October, but particularly since our relationship passed the one-year mark. . . closely followed by my 35th birthday. Funny the expectations people have for us.

Just thought all this was interesting. . .

Goofy picture of me from the weekend

Home again

SL & I are home after our loooooong trip to my dad's. It was really good to see Dad and my stepmom and B, my step-nephew. (Not sure if that's the right term to use. He's my deceased stepbrother's 20-year-old son. My dad & stepmom raised him from age 8 after my stepbrother died, so he is almost like a much-younger brother to my sister and me.) And we had delicious Mexican food, as planned; we also bought home some of my favorite tamales. SL is going to take 3 dozen to his father when he flies home to Alaska next month because his dad fell in love with them when I brought them some after Christmas last year.

Only (small) downside to my weekend was that I continued to be headache-y. Though I never developed a full-blown migraine, I had to take ibuprofen & Imitrex both days. I hope tomorrow will be headache-free.

As expected, Sebastian was thrilled to see us when we went to pick him up. I missed my boy. :)

Back to work in the morning. I have a lot I hope to get done this week. It should be a relatively quiet week at work because the judges will be gone to a judicial conference Wednesday through Friday. I hope it will be a productive one as well.

SL & I talked a lot on the drive up & back this weekend. I am definitely joining Weight Watchers on Tuesday evening, and he is going to follow the plan with me. I'm feeling positive about it.

Two more days of reduced-dose Zoloft and I will be stopping it altogether. (I'm also think that weaning off the Zoloft might be a part of the reason I had headaches on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.) I hope that without the medication I will be less tired and will be able to lose all this f*&%in' weight I've gained.

G'night.

Imitrex worked

It took a couple of hours for full relief, but by the time SL & I went out to dinner around 6:30, my headache was 90% gone. (It's now 100% gone.) Whew!

Heading home early

Over the past hour, I have developed a headache. I've tried caffeine & 600 mg of ibuprofen, but the headache is getting worse instead of better. I'm going to take an Imitrex now and head home.

TGIF

I'm so glad it's almost the weekend! This week has seemed interminably long for some reason. Several co-workers have remarked that they've felt the same, so I don't think it's just me. Maybe part of the reason is that it's been God-awful hot: over 105 every day this week.

I had my monthly book club dinner last night. It was fun! The restaurant was delicious; it more than lived up to my expectations. We had a really good turnout, and all but one of the attendees had read the book. Everyone who'd read the book liked it, too, which was gratifying since it was my selection.

Sebastian was all excited this morning when I mentioned Dickens' name. I shouldn't have said it, actually, because dogs have no concept of "you'll see him tomorrow." So when he heard his name, he thought he was going to Dickens' house right then.

Today is my fourth day on a half dose of Zoloft, and I still feel fine. I have slept a lot the last couple of days, but have otherwise been my usual self.

I intend to re-join Weight Watchers this coming Tuesday. I know I have said this a few times already, but I think I will actually do it now. I have the money, and once I am off all medications, I'll have no excuse not to. I wish SL would go to meetings with me, but he has already informed me he will not. He has no problem following the program with me; he just doesn't want to go to meetings. Ah well.

Off to dad's tomorrow morning. I hope everything goes smoothly with our trip.

Happy Humpday

So far I am on my second day of reduced-dose of Zoloft and I feel fine. I am actually less tired than I have been most mornings of late. I also gave up caffeine as of yesterday, so that makes my relative perkiness all the more remarkable. (I had a cup of coffee on Monday morning and nothing since. The caffeine was getting to be a habit, so I thought what better time to quit it, too, since I am trying to be drug free.)

Not much else noteworthy going on. I am going to get tickets for SL & I to go see Ron White (aka Tatersalad). SL really loves all those comedians on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I despise Larry the Cable Guy, but I actually find Ron White amusing. I figure "turnabout is fair play" and SL got tickets to Les Mis for me.

SL & I are driving 4 hours each way to visit my dad for Father's Day this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my dad and to eating some good Mexican food. Not looking forward to that long, boring drive, though. I'm also a little sad to be away from Sebastian for the weekend again. But he is going to stay with K & her dog Dickens, so I know they'll have fun.

I have my monthly book club dinner tomorrow night. It is at a restaurant I've never tried before that serves "Pacific rim cuisine," so I'm excited about it.

Hope I continue to feel good and don't get all mental. LOL

The choice for me: drug-free

As of last night, I have come to a decision: I am stopping Zoloft and birth control pills. I didn't get to see my doctor yesterday due to a scheduling snafu at their office, and she didn't return my call. But regardless, I have decided to go off my medications.

SL & I can certainly use an alternate method of birth control (though he's not really happy about my decision). And I just don't feel that my depression was ever severe enough to justify dealing with the side effects I have had. The low energy, sleepiness, and most of all, the 25+ weight gain in 6 months, are not worth it to me.

Sure, I will probably be irritable again and will probably have some low times emotionally. But frankly, weighing over 220 lbs MAKES ME DEPRESSED. So does having low energy. I do not think that the benefit I have received from this drug is worth the side effects.

So that's that. I am weaning myself off the Zoloft gradually so I don't get SSRI withdrawal, and I have only 3 BCPs left in this pack. By the end of next week, 95% of the drugs should be out of my system. And then I'll see how I feel.

Weekend update

My weekend went mostly as planned. I was awakened shortly after 4 a.m. Saturday by a migraine. Horrible pain behind my left eye & nausea. Yuck. As luck would have it, I had run out of Imitrex, so I had to drive to a 24-hrs Walgreens to get a refill; it wasn't ready until almost 5 a.m.

My migraine was about 85% resolved by 9:00 a.m. after two doses of Imitrex and some intermittent sleep. I ran my planned Saturday morning errands (more about that in a minute), but then felt icky again. So I came home, took more meds, and slept. By the time I woke up, it was after 2 p.m. Needless to say, our plan to head up to Phoenix around 11:00 was out the window; we finally left a little after 3:00.

Once we arrived in Phoenix, we hung out with KMC for about an hour, then headed out to the planned dinner with my law school friends. I saw a couple of acquaintances I hadn't seen in a really long time, which was fun. Only downside was that we were a large group--12 people in all--so I didn't get to talk as much with my closest friends as I would've liked. We ate at Buca di Beppo, which was very yummy! SL loves eating there (even though he doesn't necessarily love hanging out with my friends; he is shy).

Today we slept late, then had brunch with KMC before heading to the ballpark early. (SL wanted to avoid the worst of the crowds and visit the Team Shop.) We ended up leaving the game early because our team was losing 13-1 in the seventh inning (the final score was 15-2). We stopped by In n Out Burger to pick up dinner, then headed home.

Aside from Saturday morning's migraine, I had a good weekend. We are going to be out of town next weekend, too, as we are taking a road trip to visit my dad for Father's Day.

Sebastian was very happy to see us when we arrived at K's to pick him up!

When I went to the video editor's on Saturday morning, I was very happy with the way the images on the 8 mm film have held up over time. The one bad thing, though, was that there were no films later than 1971, which means no footage of my sister. (She had suspected that this might happen.) I am now debating whether she will want a copy of the DVD when it's finished since she isn't on it. I think I will still get her one, since it obviously has footage of many people she loves: both our parents; both our grandmas (now deceased); various cousins, aunts, & uncles; and of course, her favorite sister. ha ha

Guilty on all counts

That is all. Thank you.

Waiting

I just finished a trial this morning. I am now waiting for the jury's verdict. I know I did the best I could with something less than a slam dunk case. We'll see what happens. Waiting is the worst.

I have a fun weekend planned. Tomorrow morning, I am going in to review the 8 mm films from my early childhood that I am having put on a DVD. As soon as I finish that, SL & I are heading to Phoenix where we will be staying with my best friend KMC. Tomorrow evening, we're having a dinner with a large group of law school friends at Buca di Beppo--yum! Then on Sunday we are going to watch the Diamondbacks play the Mets. Fun, fun, fun.

Poor Sebastian has to go and stay with old roommate K and her dog Dickens. I'm sure he'll have fun with Dickens, even though he'll miss his mom. :)

I love movies

Where's a harpoon?

When I started this blog, I thought it would be a good way to track weight loss, among other things. Instead it has turned out to be a way to track weight GAIN.

This morning I weighed 220. That's right. I am now 8 lbs OVER the weight at which I started Weight Watchers back in January 2003.

I really feel like just throwing up my hands and saying fuck it. I have been exercising (intermittently), I have not changed my eating habits for the worse, and yet my weight just continues to go up, up, up.

I see my doctor next Monday and plan to discuss stopping the Zoloft I am taking. I truly believe that it is 90% responsible for this weight gain. However, even if I get off the Zoloft, I am already 220! When I think back to how much hard effort it took to lose weight back in 2003, it makes me want to cry. I just don't think I have it in me to put forth that kind of effort. I literally thought about food & exercise most of every day back in 2003; for me, it takes that measure of focus to lose weight. I have too many other things going on now to make Weight Watchers & exercise my #1 priority.

Anyway. . . just venting.

I belong in Dublin!

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Funny thing: I actually AM 50% Irish

You're 50% Irish

You're probably less Irish than you think you are... But you're still more Irish than most.

How Irish Are You?

Generosity, procrastination, & accomplishment

It seems an age since I blogged, though it really hasn't been that long. To sum up what's been happening with me. . .

SL bought me the sweetest gift on Friday: a gift certificate for an hour-long massage! He knows I get a lot of tension in my neck & upper back, and I've been talking for a while about how much I'd like to get a massage but just don't have the money to spend on one right now. I can't wait to put that gift certificate to good use! What a thoughtful gift.

Like many people, I am a procrastinator. (One of my oft-repeated mottos is "If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.") I also became spoiled over the years I was a nurse and a student by having free time on weekdays to run errands. As a result of these two facts, I had an accumulation of errands that I could only run on Saturday mornings. (Going to the post office, taking 8 mm film to a video editor, taking a pair of pants in for alterations, among other assorted tasks.) This past Saturday, I finally "bit the bullet" and forced myself to get EVERYTHING done. I even visited Hallmark & bought my Father's Day cards already. What a good feeling! The only thing about the morning that wasn't good was that it was like a million degrees out. (Seriously, I think we set a record high: it was about 106 or soomething.)

As I've mentioned before, I am constantly struggling to keep my home clean and to get rid of clutter. I'm very organized in my mind, but in my home, not so much. Sunday evening, I did the Flylady Crisis Cleaning (from flylady.net). I was surprised at how much I accomplished in a total of one-and-a-half hours working in 15-minute increments! I completely cleaned the kitchen (with the exception of cleaning out the refrigerator), including unloading and re-loading the dishwasher; I completely tidied up the living room, including vacuuming (and believe me, that room was a disaster); and I cleaned everything in my bathroom but the tub. Pretty cool. I kept the momentum going and got 5 loads of laundry done, too. (I normally do laundry on Monday or Tuesday nights and do 6-8 loads; that's for both of us for the whole week.) Last night I washed towels, our sheets, and some clothes I needed for work. And because the laundry room was not being used by anyone else, I took advantage of that and also washed bathmats and mattress pads. Now I'll only have 2-3 loads to wash tonight or tomorrow.

I sound like a dork as I re-read this, but I had such a good feeling of accomplishment from getting all this done. Makes me wonder why I put this kind of stuff off all the time. Now if I could just tackle my clutter. It's pretty pathetic that SL & I have lived in this place since October 2005 and I still have boxes that I have not unpacked. (sigh)

Other than cleaning and errands, I spent most of the weekend reading. I'm taking a break from Guns, Germs, & Steel (about 2/3 of the way through) and have started The Other Boleyn Girl by Phillippa Gregory. I like historical fiction. I also bought a few other books this weekend: The Piano Tuner by Daniel Mason (my July book club selection), the 2nd Bridget Jones book, and The Nannie Diaries. (I'd always planned to read the last two, but seeing that The Nannie Diaries is being made into a movie inspired me to finally get it.)

SL & I had lunch with our friends M & A on Saturday. That was a pleasant surprise. They moved about 100 miles away about 6 weeks ago, and we hadn't seen them since. They were just in town for the day. It was good to see them & to catch up.

What else is going on? I have a trial this week--yea! This will be my third consecutive auto theft trial. Frankly, I am ready to do something a little different, like a home burglary or something. But I'll take it.

All about me

I saw this on someone else's blog and thought it was a cool idea. . .

I AM: a prosecutor
I WANT: to be thinner
I WISH: I were a mom
I HATE: stupidity
I MISS: my sister
I FEAR: that I will never have a child of my own
I WONDER: how my life would be different if I had taken the other "fork in the road" at various junctures
I REGRET: waiting this long to have a child
I AM NOT: patient
I DANCE: whenever I get the chance
I SING: a lot: in the car, in the shower, even at my desk at work. I'd sing in trial if I didn't think it'd draw an objection from defense counsel or offend the jurors
I CRY: infrequently. . . can't remember the last time
I AM NOT ALWAYS: organized
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a mess!
I WRITE: in my blog, at work, and to friends
I CONFUSE: calm unemotionality with a lack of caring
I NEED: new navy blue shoes for work
I SHOULD: get rid of a lot of the clutter I am holding on to
I START: lots of home organizing projects, but seldom finish them
I FINISH: anything chocolate I bring into my home