To be fat or unhappy

I saw a number on the scale this morning I haven't seen in many years: 216! I am now OVER the weight at which I started Weight Watchers in January 2003.

I had been so proud of myself. I lost 35 lbs total back in 2003, and I was able to maintain 25 lbs of that loss for over 2 years. Gradually during 2005, after I started working as a prosecutor, I re-gained 5 lbs. I have now gained almost 19 lbs since January 1, 2006!

WTF????? I'll admit my eating is not the greatest, and I have only been exercising sporadically. At the same time, these are the same basic behaviors I engaged in throughout 2005, with only a 5-lb weight gain for the entire year. I honestly do not think my lifestyle is the cause of this weight gain.

I have been pondering what has changed in my life since January to cause this significant weight gain. I changed positions at work, but I actually have a lot less stress now than I did before. . . so I have pretty much ruled stress-eating out as a cause of the gain. I did, however, start taking Zoloft in December.

If things keep on like this, I am risking some serious health problems. Diabetes and heart disease run on both sides of my family; my maternal grandmother died of complications of diabetes (15 years after having a quadruple bypass).

I know the information you find on the internet is not always 100% accurate, but with a few simple google searches today, I found out--guess what? Weight gain is a common side effect of Zoloft! (Actually, of all SSRIs, but Zoloft is worse than others.)

My sister posed the question: would I rather be fat or unhappy? (Hence my title for this post.) Frankly, I'm not quite sure how to answer that because being fat MAKES ME unhappy! Particularly when my weight is over 200 lbs and I have to buy clothes over size 14; it just makes it so damn hard to find decent professional clothing.

Also, I've been fat to some degree or another for years. I am 5'5", so an acceptable weight for me (high end) would be 145 lbs. The least I've weighed over the past fifteen years or so has been about 177; the most was 220. So I've been overweight, by any definition, all that time. It's not great.

I've also suffered from various levels of depression over those same fifteen years. Thank God, my depression has never been severe enough to make me seriously contemplate suicide or to require hospitalization. But the fact of the matter is, my periodic bouts of depression have definitely had an adverse effect on my life. And it has been really nice over the past few months to not feel that way.

I plan to up the exercise and perhaps re-join Weight Watchers (for some extra motivation). But I also think I need to get off the Zoloft ASAP & maybe try something else.