Saturday, July 21, 2007

Be careful what you wish for. . . you might get it

215.6 (official JC weigh-in at noon)

I gained 1 lb since last week's appointment. . . which was actually on a Thursday, so 9 days ago. Considering my complete disregard for healthy eating during those 9 days, I'm surprised that I didn't gain more. So I'll take it. With all my "going away" events and my trip to Vegas, I knew I wasn't going to follow any kind of structured eating program. But I also knew that state of affairs was temporary and that I'd eventually get back on track.

I have spent most of today either packing or avoiding packing. I really hate packing!! I have moved a ton in my adult life; I would literally have to sit down and make a list to figure out how many times I've moved just since college. Even during the six-and-a-half years I have lived here in Tucson, I have lived in 6 separate residences. Despite all the moves I've made, I don't seem to get any better at it. Moving is one of those times when my lack of home organizational skills really rears its head.

Poor Sebastian has been unsettled all day, watching me pack. I'm sure he must wonder what the hell is going on. I feel bad for uprooting him again, particularly when we've only lived here a little over 3 months. But he's a dog, after all, and I'm sure he'll get over it and adjust to his new home.

Oh well. By this time tomorrow, it'll all be done--one way or another--and I'll be headed back to Phoenix for the week. I start my new job on Monday. I am beginning to feel a little excited about it. Not as apprehensive as I was, at least. I hope I like it and can do a good job for them.

My friend KH had her baby on 7/18 while I was in Vegas! I'm very excited for her and her husband. I am going to see the baby this week one night after work. Fun! I love little babies.

Because I won't have moved my stuff up from Tucson yet, I know I will still be unsettled and not yet in a new routine this week. I will be staying with my friend KC, so even my commute will not be the same one I'll have once I get into my new place. I have mentally prepared myself for that feeling of being at loose ends for the next few weeks. I hope to offset that feeling somewhat by seeing more of my Phoenix friends than I could when I was living here in Tucson.

Not sure when (if?) I am going to see J again. I can't decide where I want that to go. Well, let me clarify: I know exactly where I want it to go, if I'm honest about it, at least to myself. In a perfect world, I want to start a romantic relationship with him. . . one that would last a long, long time. In short, I'd love to pick up where we left off when I was 22. . . before things went wrong between us.

BUT as much of a romantic as I am, life has also made me that much of a realist. I have no idea what his feelings for me are. At this point, I have no firm reason to believe that he is interested in anything more than friendship with me.

Even assuming that J has some romantic feelings for me, after my break-up with SL in March, I really don't know if I could withstand the emotional trauma of another difficult break-up so soon. It would be stupid of me to get involved with someone right now. . . anyone, really. Getting involved with J would be an even dumber decision than finding someone new because of my history with him and the feelings I already have for him. Granted, my feelings for J have lain dormant for many years. . . but I suspect that, given the right circumstances, they will spring back to life quite readily. Even if I were meeting him now, for the first time, I could see myself easily forming an attachment to him.

On one level, I actually hope that J only wants to be friends. If he isn't interested in dating me, there is no way for me to be hurt by him (again). But to say I fully hope that he's not interested would be a lie. There is another part of me that hopes we will eventually rekindle our relationship of old.

Well, at this point, I don't suppose there is even much point in dwelling on it. (Not that that has ever stopped me before. LOL) Things will develop as they will. J and I are likely to be living in the same city for at least the next four years or so; that should be ample time for whatever is going to happen to happen.

I've never been much good at just letting go and letting things unfold naturally, though. Maybe this is the universe giving me an opportunity to correct that flaw. Who knows? They do say that God works in mysterious ways. . .