Mount Washmore

(forgot to weigh)

As I mentioned in my last post, I have found a wedding dress. After taking the weekend to think about it and gathering input from my "inner circle," I have decided to buy the dress. I am able to get it for over $100 less than the bridal salon is charging by ordering from netbride.com. . . which is great, because I'm now coming in slightly under budget for the cost of the dress.

I am going to order the dress the first week of October, so I have 5 weeks to try to lose as much weight as I can before I order. Despite my stepped-up exercise efforts, my eating has not been 100% on program, and as a result, I have not lost any weight or inches.

I am redoubling my efforts to lose before I order! As I type this, I am starving (& have been for the past 45 minutes), but I am determined to give an all-out effort before I order the dress.

I had an OK weekend. We went out to dinner with friends F & T Friday night. Saturday I had lunch with my friend A, and we went and visited my dress at the bridal salon (I'd hoped to try it on for her, but there were too many other customers ahead of us). SL & I went to the gym & lifted weights in the late afternoon. Sunday M came over and went swimming (she had a new bikini that she wanted to debut, lol).

As usual, I accomplished very little. Except that I am up to page 260-something in I Know This Much Is True. :)

Tonight SL & I are headed to the gym after work to lift weights. Our plan is to go Mon, Wed, Fri this week. We'll see if it comes to fruition. . . .

I really need to do some laundry tonight. Almost out of work clothes!

I may have found The Dress

I tried on this dress yesterday, and it was the first one I've really liked. I'd have to get the train bustled, though.

Here's the link:

http://www.morilee.com/DressDetail.aspx?C=2&D=3651&P=3

Life in cyberspace

220.4

My mood was improved today. I'm wondering if yesterday was PMS. . . ? Having never had PMS before, I can't be sure. But today is day 14 of my 28-day cycle--ovulation day--so I'm sure there have been some hormonal changes going on in my body in the past 24 or so hours. Hmmm. I'm going to have to keep an eye on that now that I'm off the pill.

I had a decent day at work. Didn't get quite as much done as I'd hope, but got a few things accomplished. There was an article in this month's Oprah magazine about how to accomplish more at work. I'm thinking I'm going to re-read it and perhaps put some of its suggestions to use. Goodness knows I could always improve on my efficiency.

Didn't get to the gym tonight as planned because we both got home late from work. I don't like to work out too late in the evening; it keeps me from having a restful night's sleep. I have my monthly book club dinner tomorrow night, so it looks like I'll only be getting in two weight-lifting sessions this week. Ah well. It's an improvement over what I was doing a month ago: not lifting weights at all!

SL claims he will go to the gym without me tomorrow night. We'll see. :)

I'm going wedding dress shopping with my friend A on Saturday. I am not going with the expectation that I will find anything I like; I'm looking on it more as a scouting mission. I called two bridal shops here that say they stock up to size 26. I'm just hoping to try on a few dresses with a similar silhouette and neckline to the dresses I've seen online that I like. I fully expect that the majority of the dresses I will see will be way too ornate and/or frou-frou for my taste. And I hope the salespeople aren't pushy.

I am bound and determined not to pay more than $350 for my wedding dress. Ideally, I'd like to stay under $300. Not including alterations, of course, which are also going to add up, no matter where/what I buy. Jeesh.

I'm debating buying a dress off the internet, either from eBay or from netbride.com. Of course, if I do either, I'll be buying a dress that I've never tried on. Not sure how I feel about that. . . especially given the fact that I am not a very good judge of what flatters me. I know what I like, but I don't necessarily know what looks good on me. That's what I have my girlfriends for!!

So glad the week's more than half over!

The Ring

Wrong side of the bed

220.2 (whatever)

For some reason, I have not been in a good mood today. If I start looking around for reasons to feel low, I can certainly come up with some. . . but to be honest, I am not entirely sure what has brought this on.

One thing I am definitely bummed about: my weight. I have been back on WW for a little over 2 months. I have been following the plan at least 75-80% of the time. I've been exercising A LOT. Yet my weight is basically at a standstill: I go down a few pounds, then back up a few pounds.

I am back at the point where I am just about ready to say "f$%* it." I am going to keep on with the exercise, though, because it makes me feel better, physically & mentally. Seriously, I think regular exercise helps my mood more than Zoloft did. . . and without the nasty side effects. But I don't see what the point is of limiting my food intake and avoiding foods I like just so that my weight can stay the same.

SL & I went to the gym and lifted weights last night. I was proud of us! (Of course, aside from our outing to the gym, I did nothing all evening & the house is still a total disaster. . . but whatever, that's another topic.) I also got up this morning and walked/jogged my 2 miles with Sebastian. I actually walked most of the route, but I did jog for 5-6 minutes total.

I had my annual physical yesterday. I like my new doctor. It is more than a little frustrating, though, how little any doctor can do to help with obesity. All my labwork came back normal (with the exception of borderline high cholesterol). So I don't have any kind of metabolic disorder causing my inability to lose weight; my thyroid function is also normal. When I told my doctor that I already exercise 4-5 days a week and don't eat poorly, she didn't look like she believed me, first of all. Then she suggested I might join Jenny Craig; I informed her that I already follow the WW plan and see no reason to pay lots of money to eat more processed food. At which point she basically shrugged and had nothing else to suggest.

Well, as I've mentioned before: another 20-30 lbs and I will be a candidate for gastric bypass surgery. I do sometimes wonder lately if this weight issue is going to get to that point. Limiting my food intake & exercising is clearly not accomplishing much of anything. All it's doing is frustrating me.

Another annoyance: I did a little advance research last night and called the bridal shops that Alfred Angelo's website claims stocks their dresses. (The four dresses I am most strongly considering buying are all Alfred Angelo.) Turns out there is not a store within 100 miles of where I live with all 4 styles in stock. I found one store that stocks my 4th choice style. . . but it's not in a color I want, and it's in a size 14 (which means it'd probably fit someone who normally wears a 10).

I don't know what the f*%^ I'm going to do about a wedding dress. I don't want to spend over $350 for my dress: we are not having a very formal wedding, and I'm only going to wear the thing once. Options seem to be quite limited in styles that I like that also come in my size.

I asked SL again yesterday if we could just ditch the wedding we have planned and get married at the courthouse, but he refused. I honestly don't want to be bothered with all this: the pressure of having everyone staring at my fat body in yards of white/ivory satin is really something I can do without. Plus, the expense: we are going into debt to pay for this wedding that I don't even really want! I know it's not girly of me to say this. . . but I've never wanted a traditional wedding, and I am even less inclined to have a big to-do now that I am 35 years old.

Anyway. . . I certainly hope my mood improves. Maybe I can force my lazy ass to do some cleaning when I get home today. Seeing my home clean & neat usually puts me in a better mood.

Wine & Whiskey

SL & I have spent most of the day napping. Our engagement party was last night, and we were up until after 1 am (which is VERY late for me!).

We had over 20 friends there. It was fun! Basically, it was a BBQ with the added occasion of celebrating our engagement. Everyone complimented the food, which was all made by SL: he grilled brats & burgers and made his homemade potato & macaroni salads.

I think the guests had fun, too. Lots of our friends already knew each other, but some did not. I hope the fact that everyone had a chance to get to know each other a little at this party will add to their enjoyment of our wedding in April.

Two of the friends at our party were pregnant, both due mid-January. One of the dads is SL's friend from law school; the other dad is a friend of ours from my office (who is also SL's best man). The moms didn't even really look pregnant to me yet, though SL said he thought they were "showing." One of the couples is telling people about the baby, while the other is keeping it under wraps for a little while longer.

We received 8(!) bottles of wine as gifts! Funniest part of that is they were all different brands & varieties. My friend M brought a 1.75-liter bottle of Bushmill's Irish Whiskey, and SL and 3-4 of our male guests polished it off. That's a LOT of frickin' whiskey for 4-5 people!

Oddly, on some level, I feel more "officially" engaged now that we had the party. (Having my engagement ring helps, too.) I know that we have a wedding date set and ceremony & reception sites reserved. . . but somehow having the party makes it seem more real to me. Strange.

Not much else going on. I should probably do some stuff around the house and some laundry, but I'm in a lazy mood. That stuff can wait until sometime during the week.

I didn't weigh myself the last two mornings; just forgot. My eating wasn't TOO bad at last night's party, and I only had 2 glasses of white wine to drink.

Last week's exercise: we went to the gym once to lift weights, and I walked about 2 miles 3 out of 5 mornings. I hope this coming week we will make it to the gym 3 nights, and I plan to walk 5 days this week. That's the plan!

Mixed result

My jury came back guilty on 4 of 9 counts, not guilty on 4, and hung on 1. Even though it's technically a "win" for me, I am pretty bummed: they acquitted & hung on the most serious 3 charges!

Side note: my "jailhouse snitch," who was the defendant's cellmate and to whom the defendant confessed all the offenses in my case, was missing with a felony warrant for his arrest. I'd asked a detective from our office to find him and he was unable to do so. The witness was arrested at noon today while my jury was still deliberating! If only he'd been picked up the day before, I'm almost certain the jury would have convicted on all counts.

Anyway. . . water under the bridge. Moving on. I learned A TON.

Looking forward to our engagement party on Saturday night! We'll have about 20 guests for a pool party/BBQ. SL is the grillmaster, after all. . . at least that's what he'll tell you.

I'll probably spend the whole day tomorrow at work trying to catch up on all the things I've been neglecting while preparing for and trying this most recent case. Oh joy! I also have to write my quarterly court report for my CASA duties, and I have a full-day (8-hr) training on Saturday.

Busy, busy, busy! :)

Waiting

217.8 (woo-hoo!)

My trial is nearly over: we finished closing arguments a little after 3:00 yesterday, and the jury is coming back to resume deliberations at 8:00 this morning. It's such a relief to have my part finished!

Don't get me wrong: I love being in trial. There are so many challenges to it: managing witnesses & witness scheduling; formulating your questions in such a way that the witness gives the information you need--and doesn't give out information that would not be admissible; relating to 12 strangers on your jury and attempting to persuade them that the defendant is guilty; and being on constant watch for defense strategies and shenanigans. I really love the mental challenge of it.

At the same time, it is stressful, for all the reasons I also love it. So much work goes into preparing a case for trial that there is a big build-up. . . then my stress level is up throughout the presentation of the case. . . and then the waiting starts.

Some prosecutors say that waiting for a verdict is the hardest part. On some levels, I'd agree: when the trial gets to this stage, the outcome is now out of your hands. Many lawyers are control freaks. . . probably not surpising, considering what we all have to go through to get to this point.

I will confess to being a big of a control freak myself (though mild compared to most of my colleagues). I will also say that, while waiting on a verdict is hard, it's also a relief. At least I have gotten to this point without royally f#$&ing something up! lol

Happy to see the scale down this morning, especially in light of the fact that I've indulged in some stress eating over the past 3 days. I've been keeping consistent with my workouts (walking in the mornings and lifting weights in the evenings 3 nights a week), so maybe that's what's made the difference.

Drive-by post

219.0 (I'll take it)

Just a really quick note. I've gotta hit the showers and head to work. My big trial starts this morning! I really hope I don't do anything to f$%^ it up and that our evidence is enough to convince 12 citizens that this scumbag, er, defendant is guilty.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night! How lame am I?! Stress does that to me.

I came up with a rockin' opening statement on my 2-mile walk this morning. (Funny how exercise clears your mind, isn't it?) So I am feeling more confident and I know I am prepared.

There could be some tricky twists and turns, but I think the trial will be fun. I just hope I don't do anything (major) wrong.

SL & I are going to join the gym tonight after work! Yea!

P.S. Weight is still up slightly, but after eating out last night at Chili's, I'll take it. Stayed within points, but usually just the sodium in restaurant food is enought to cause at least a temporary gain for me.

I got the ring!!

Such a naughty blogger! I should've written an entry sooner. I'll try to bring things up to date.

SL gave me my engagement ring on Friday!! It is exactly what I wanted (& what I posted on here a few weeks ago: http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2006/07/back-to-work-ugh_05.html ). It was kind-of a surprise because he had told me that it wouldn't arrive until next week. He had come to work to pick me up (he had car trouble, so he was driving mine) and snuck it onto my desk while I wasn't looking. He said later that he'd planned to wait until dinner that night, but couldn't wait any longer. Cute. A few of my friends at work were still at the office, so I got to show the ring off a little bit.

I tried to take some digital pics to post and show how it looks on my hand, but none of them turned out right, no matter how I set the flash. Ah well.

SL & I went to stay at the resort as planned yesterday for his birthday. To put it in a nutshell: the evening was not what we had hoped. He didn't like the hotel's restaurant where we had his birthday dinner; didn't care for any of the entrees on the menu, so his birthday dinner was soup & salad. (The restaurant was quite over-priced for the portion size & the mediocre food.) I felt nauseous during dinner and left the table once because I thought I might hurl. SL & I ended up having a fight later in the evening, so I went home and he stayed in the room by himself. Not exactly a great birthday memory.

Well, things are OK today. We talked and both apologized for our respective roles in the fiasco. And I told him that for his 32nd birthday next year, he is going to pick where he wants to go to avoid a repeat of this experience. :)

I hadn't done laundry (but for one necessary load) in almost 2 weeks, so I did 6 loads today. Whew. We both have clothes to wear now. (Except that one of my trial suits needs to go to the cleaners in the morning, or I will have nothing to wear for the 3rd day of my trial!)

Really, not too much else going on. Eating this weekend was just so-so: I didn't count points, but didn't really eat that badly. And I don't generally exercise on the weekends, and didn't this weekend.

SL's "birthday resolution" (his words, not mine) is to go back to the gym. He really enjoys working out: he played football & wrestled in high school--and was recruited for colleges in both sports, but didn't play--and used to power lift competitively in college. Ever since he started his current job last October(!), he gets out of work later and had quit going to the gym with our friend F as he used to.

I have seen a difference in SL since he has not been working out. Not only has he gained weight, his stress level is really high. We both have equally stressful jobs--we're both lawyers--but he doesn't have as many outlets for his stress: like many men, he doesn't talk about his feelings to anyone (he will to me, but only with prodding). Frankly, I worry about him; he is only 31, about 60-70 lbs overweight, uses smokeless tobacco, drinks more than he probably should, and has already been diagnosed with high blood pressure & put on medication for it.

I am 100% in support of his decision to get back to the gym. He needs it on so many levels. He has asked me to go with him for support and encouragement (as we all know, just getting your a$$ there is more than half the battle), and I'm on board. I've been doing the Buff Brides workouts in the evenings 3 nights a week anyway; I can just do my strength training at the gym instead of at home. If he ends up wanting to go more than 3 evenings a week, I will just do an extra workout on the elliptical trainer.

I'm back on track full steam tomorrow! Wish me luck. :)

Finally figured out how to use Ticker Factory

I shoulda smoked that fool

220.4 (sigh)

The scale was up this morning. Probably because I ate a somewhat heavy meal at 9:00 last night, and I am about to start my period. I'm not stressing about it.

Though I will probably continue to weigh daily--it's just become a part of my morning routine now--I am really focusing more on my size and how I look, i.e. how toned I am/am not. No one but me (& my doctor) knows my weight!

This morning marked my 4th consecutive morning exercising. I REALLY didn't want to do it this morning--was very lazy for some reason--but I made myself do it anyway. (Hell, I don't want to come to work some days, but I make myself do THAT.)

Because I have been developing shin splints, I thought it might be a good idea to take a day's break from walking. So I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer instead. I had a really good workout! My shins didn't bother me at all. The only negative was that I felt bad for Sebastian: he saw me get dressed and got all excited to go out, then didn't get to go. :(

Eating has been OK. SL made a dinner last night (one of his specialties) that was more points than I had to spend. But he was so excited to cook it for me that I didn't have the heart to turn him down. I have been totally avoiding sweets: no chocolate in over a week! I have a protein shake in the mornings (5 pts), a frozen entree for lunch (4-6 pts), and a reasonable dinner. I've had pistachios for a snack two afternoons and peanuts on another.

I am actually starting to see some muscle tone in my upper arms! I'm enjoying the Buff Brides workouts, but am thinking that I will probably need to do some heavier weights to really define my upper body. I am going to stick with this for now and see where it takes me. . . but I'm already thinking of getting a trainer & joining a nearby gym in early October. That'd give me 6 months until the wedding to tone up.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I've spent this week reviewing a big case that I'm taking to trial next week. The defendant is a very bad guy (also charged with 1st degree murder in another case). There are 10 separate felony counts in the case, and the events happened on two different dates, so there are a lot of witnesses and it's a bit cumbersome. In addition to trying to wrap my own mind around the facts, I am trying to puzzle out the best way to present them to 12 citizens of the community to prove his guilt. I am excited, though, because this will be the biggest & most serious case I've done to date.

As I believe I mentioned, SL & I are spending Saturday night at a local resort. We are also going to have a nice dinner at the hotel. It will be nice to "get away," even briefly. :)

P.S. Today's post's title is courtesy of next week's defendant: a direct quote of what he told his jailmate about what he should've done to the victim at whom he pointed a loaded .38 revolver.

Interesting website names

219.4 (yesterday: didn't weigh today)

Can I start out by saying that SL visits websites with some of the most interesting names? I realize he finds most of them by following links from some of his regular sites, but damn! The things that pop up on auto-complete when I type in a URL. . . .

My weekend has been good so far. I haven't exercised at all, but I may still do the elliptical trainer this afternoon. (Note: exercising on the weekends really isn't part of my plan for myself anyway, but if I can get it in, it's a bonus.) Eating has been OK: went to a tea party yesterday afternoon, then to a Mexican restaurant for dinner.

Yesterday I:

*attended initial appearances for work to make bond recommendations (I get paid $100 for doing them)

*took my CASA child M to a local "fun park" (I thought it was lame, but she enjoyed it)

*went to aforementioned tea party

*went to dinner

*read (I'm reading The Broker by John Grisham)

*tweaked our wedding website (added more photos and other stuff)

So far today, I have done basically nothing productive. As that was my plan, I'm happy about it. SL is making lunch; after we eat, I may clean up the nest a little. Otherwise, I just want to have a free, relaxing day.

My maid of honor K is such a wonderful friend! She is visiting her parents in El Paso and discovered that a new Alfred Angelo store just opened there. She called me to get the style numbers of the bridal and bridesmaid dresses I am considering from AA, then went with her mom for a try-on session so that she could photograph the dresses and report back to me about the colors and fabrics. All of her own accord! She rocks!!

I am feeling better about the wedding guest list. It looks like we are going to be able to get out of our contract at the MGM Grand (long story) and have the wedding at the Monte Carlo instead. Cost will be roughly the same, but the Monte Carlo's chapel can hold 100 guests, while the MGM's maximum was 65. Given that we have cut the guest list to bare bones (actually leaving off a lot of people we wanted to invite--especially mine!), I didn't see any way we could make it less than the 85 adults it is currently. You can never count on guests NOT attending, so we really needed a bigger space to accomodate our current guest list.

In my opinion, the two chapels are comparable in appearance and quality. The only reason I really went with the MGM in the first place is that it is a larger hotel with more things to do.

Not much else to tell. Here's to relaxation!

By the way. . . did ya notice the scale finally budged? Didja?? Because I did! Yee-ha!

About to give up

221.4 (sigh)

As I have mentioned in previous entries, I have been exercising regularly for the past two weeks. I have also been eating much better: less food, more fruits/veggies, and practically no "junk" (I have to say "practically" because I ate a piece of cake yesterday).

Yet, despite my significant efforts, I have lost no weight. None.

In a way, I guess I should just be glad that I haven't gained more. . . while on Zoloft, I went from around 197 to the 220s. But for f%^&'s sake! If I am putting forth this much effort, I expect to see some results!

My sis suggested that perhaps my difficulty is due to now being 35. Everyone knows that your metabolism slows in your late 30s/40s. However, I had never heard of such a RAPID change in metabolism. Back in 2003, I lost 35 lbs in 4 months by doing no more than following the WW points program and walking 45 minutes 3 times a week. I am exercising much more than that now. . . with no results. It seems crazy that there would be THAT big change in my metabolism between age 32 and age 35.

I intend to talk with my doctor about this at my annual app't on 8/21. But I am really at the point where I am about ready to just say forget it and accept that I will be buying plus sizes for the rest of my life. Why deprive myself of foods I enjoy & bust my ass if I'm just gonna be a fat biotch anyway?

Besides, if I gain about another 30 lbs, I'll be a candidate for gastric bypass. :)

On a roll. . .

220.4

I have been very proud of my exercising this week! I mentioned Monday night's Buff Brides workout in my last post. Here is a rundown of the other exercise I have done:

Tues AM: walked 2 miles (in 35 min) with dog
Tues lunch: took stairs up & down 9 flights (not formal exercise, but still)
Tues PM: did 30 min on the elliptical
Wed AM: skipped walk because of very sore leg muscles
Wed PM: did 2nd Buff Brides workout (but skipped lunges)
Thu AM: walked 2 miles (35 min) with dog
Thu PM: just walked 3 miles (1 hr) with dog

Not too shabby. I have been eating pretty well, too, though I did have a large piece of birthday cake this afternoon for my friend T's b-day. At least I have been eating lots of whole grains & fruits/veggies. I've also been drinking an Enzyme Diet Superfood protein shake each morning (recommended by my doctor).

I keep reminding myself to chill about the whole wedding dress thing. I have continued to look sporadically on the internet at dresses, despite my Monday vow to put the whole thing off for 6-8 weeks. I think, REALLY, I have looked enough now to have a good idea of what my options are, and I just need to put it out of my mind until I am ready to actually go into stores and try on more dresses. I tend to get obsessive about things, and it looks like shopping for my dress is going to be one of those things.

Not much else going on. SL is very busy at work this week: his boss is on vacation, and since he is with a two-man firm, he has to pick up boss's slack. He has also had closings to do in the evenings. . . nice for the extra $$, but it gets him home late (it's almost 8 pm here, and he's still not home yet).

Oh, and by the way. . . my sis found out that her baby is a BOY!

Nights in white satin. . .

221.2 (sigh)

I went to David's Bridal last night for a dress try-on app't. I've only seen a couple of styles there that are close to what I'm looking for, but it's not that easy to find bridal stores that have my size in stock. (18W fit "perfectly." Side note: my size-6 friend did not know what the "w" in 18W meant; I had to explain it to her. LOL

I will first say one positive thing about the try-on session: it inspired me to go home and do my Buff Brides workout and not to snack the rest of the evening! ;)

Let me just summarize the whole experience by saying there is nothing flattering about an ivory satin dress on a 220-lb woman. The dresses made me look even larger than I look in the clothes I usually wear. . . and that's saying something, because I by no means look thin.

Aside from the fact that I did not think the dresses were flattering, I also didn't really love any of the styles I tried on. I tried on 4 total: 2 had trains, which I do NOT want. Of the 2 with no trains, one had a big-ass fake flower on one hip which I did not like. The fourth was OK, but nothing I'd want to pay >$450 for.

Anyway. . . I did my weight-lifting last night and went for my 2-mile walk this morning. I ate a healthy breakfast and brought a healthy lunch. So if the try-on session served no other useful purpose. . . perhaps it provided an eye-opener to what I am going to like on my wedding day if I don't get my ass in gear.

No other news here. Lots of work to do today! Oh, and my sis should find out the gender of the baby today--yea!