Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Wrong side of the bed

220.2 (whatever)
For some reason, I have not been in a good mood today. If I start looking around for reasons to feel low, I can certainly come up with some. . . but to be honest, I am not entirely sure what has brought this on.

One thing I am definitely bummed about: my weight. I have been back on WW for a little over 2 months. I have been following the plan at least 75-80% of the time. I've been exercising A LOT. Yet my weight is basically at a standstill: I go down a few pounds, then back up a few pounds.

I am back at the point where I am just about ready to say "f$%* it." I am going to keep on with the exercise, though, because it makes me feel better, physically & mentally. Seriously, I think regular exercise helps my mood more than Zoloft did. . . and without the nasty side effects. But I don't see what the point is of limiting my food intake and avoiding foods I like just so that my weight can stay the same.

SL & I went to the gym and lifted weights last night. I was proud of us! (Of course, aside from our outing to the gym, I did nothing all evening & the house is still a total disaster. . . but whatever, that's another topic.) I also got up this morning and walked/jogged my 2 miles with Sebastian. I actually walked most of the route, but I did jog for 5-6 minutes total.

I had my annual physical yesterday. I like my new doctor. It is more than a little frustrating, though, how little any doctor can do to help with obesity. All my labwork came back normal (with the exception of borderline high cholesterol). So I don't have any kind of metabolic disorder causing my inability to lose weight; my thyroid function is also normal. When I told my doctor that I already exercise 4-5 days a week and don't eat poorly, she didn't look like she believed me, first of all. Then she suggested I might join Jenny Craig; I informed her that I already follow the WW plan and see no reason to pay lots of money to eat more processed food. At which point she basically shrugged and had nothing else to suggest.

Well, as I've mentioned before: another 20-30 lbs and I will be a candidate for gastric bypass surgery. I do sometimes wonder lately if this weight issue is going to get to that point. Limiting my food intake & exercising is clearly not accomplishing much of anything. All it's doing is frustrating me.

Another annoyance: I did a little advance research last night and called the bridal shops that Alfred Angelo's website claims stocks their dresses. (The four dresses I am most strongly considering buying are all Alfred Angelo.) Turns out there is not a store within 100 miles of where I live with all 4 styles in stock. I found one store that stocks my 4th choice style. . . but it's not in a color I want, and it's in a size 14 (which means it'd probably fit someone who normally wears a 10).

I don't know what the f*%^ I'm going to do about a wedding dress. I don't want to spend over $350 for my dress: we are not having a very formal wedding, and I'm only going to wear the thing once. Options seem to be quite limited in styles that I like that also come in my size.

I asked SL again yesterday if we could just ditch the wedding we have planned and get married at the courthouse, but he refused. I honestly don't want to be bothered with all this: the pressure of having everyone staring at my fat body in yards of white/ivory satin is really something I can do without. Plus, the expense: we are going into debt to pay for this wedding that I don't even really want! I know it's not girly of me to say this. . . but I've never wanted a traditional wedding, and I am even less inclined to have a big to-do now that I am 35 years old.

Anyway. . . I certainly hope my mood improves. Maybe I can force my lazy ass to do some cleaning when I get home today. Seeing my home clean & neat usually puts me in a better mood.