I think MM may need his head examined

MM shared with me at dinner last night that he thinks it would be "really cool" for us to have twins. He's not particular--identical vs. fraternal, boys vs. girls vs. one-of-each--they all sound good to him.

He opined that "it can't be that much more work" than one baby. Ah yes. Spoken by someone who, until about 7 weeks ago, had never even held an infant under 6 months of age and has had EXTREMELY limited contact with babies. MM is an only child, born of two only children, and like most men, he never babysat.

He was disappointed when I didn't jump right in and say I think it'd be "really cool," too. I reminded him that it wouldn't be *his* body carrying, birthing, and nursing two infants at once.

Hmmm. . . .

My blonde boy(s)

I am too lazy to write a post today, but I'm sick of looking at my Columbus Day post.

Instead I share with you a few recent photos of Sebastian. . . . oh, and MM. ;-)

Columbus Day

208.8

I have been at this same weight within 0.2 lbs for three consecutive days. So I'm guessing that any muscle water retention issues have worked themselves out and this is what I actually weigh.

It's pretty friggin' sad that I've been eating reasonably well and busting my a$$ in boot camp to earn this weight. Really, it just supports what I told MM when I started: in order for me to actually lose weight, I have to diet diligently along with exercising regularly. Just one or the other won't do it for me.

While of course I've hoped that I would lose some weight as a result of this boot camp, I am mainly focused on getting more toned and in better general physical condition before our trip to Maui. MM and I want to do some hiking and snorkeling, and I'd like to be in good enough shape for both. Plus my energy level prior to starting boot camp has been sh1tty for sometime, and I'd like to have more energy. (It's hard to say yet whether boot camp has helped with that: any increase in energy the first week was negated by my body's adjustment to getting up 2+ hours earlier than usual.)

This morning's session was legs again. We did some squats and lunges, along with lots of jogging (OK, running for most participants, jogging for me) and lots of exercise I hadn't done before. I am optimistic that I won't have the unlivable level of soreness that I had after last week's legs session: last time I was tightening up and sore within a few hours of the workout; this time, I can tell I worked my legs, but I have no soreness and can walk normally.

My weekend was a bit of a mixed bag. Friday night MM and I went to see the movie Religulous. Saturday I read the book Promise Not to Tell by Jennifer McMahon. (Since joining paperbackswap.com, I have a stack of 10-12 novels waiting to be read; this one was in it.) Saturday night we met my friend L and her husband for dinner before going to the Phoenix Coyotes' home opener. A relaxing and fun day.

Sunday I woke up at 5:20 a.m. with a migraine. . . . the first one I've had in months. (The only possible "trigger" I could identify was the ONE margarita I had with dinner on Saturday night. I may have to give up drinking completely! Ugh.) With the migraine, even though I took lots of meds, I felt like a$$ most of the day. Even so, I still managed to get to Ross in the afternoon to buy a new wallet (my old one--6 years old--had a broken zipper on the money compartment). While at Ross, I also bought a new purse and a few tops. . . . all for under $85. MM and I had dinner with his parents in the evening, at which time I was feeling about 90% of normal.

This week should be a pretty normal one. I have to go to Tucson on Thursday afternoon for a court hearing and a deposition there on Friday morning. I am going to stay with my friend L and hope to have dinner with a few other friends there as well.

Friday evening my father and his wife will arrive for a weekend visit. It will be their first time seeing the new house--and Stepmom's first time meeting MM--so I will be spending most of Wednesday evening getting the house prepared. (It's times like this that I'm glad I live with a neatnik; the common areas of the house are almost always clean & uncluttered, thanks to MM.)

Our spa is complete! MM and I used it last night for the first time. It's great! We are optimistic that the landscapers will start (& finish) work this week! ;-)

P.S. I've long thought that Columbus Day is a bit of a weird holiday and at least mildly offensive to Native Americans. What did Columbus really *discover*? People were already living here when he got here!

Well, I guess I should be grateful to him: I wouldn't be here if he hadn't "discovered" America. And even though there were people here already, obviously those living in Europe didn't know about them, and I suppose gaining that knowledge is a "discovery" of sorts.

Yeah, I'm a bad person

(not even gonna post today's weight)

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while, but I've held back because I believe some readers might consider me b1tchy and judgmental. Today, though, I finally decided f$&* it! What's the point of my having a blog if I can't write about the things that are on my mind?

I've mentioned before that I regularly visit the message boards on the site where I do my charting. (fertilityfriend.com, for those interested) I first visited the boards out of curiosity and in search of others who were on the same journey. I still find them interesting and enjoy the support. . . . but I'll admit that one of the big draws for me is what *I* perceive to be the craziness.

Example: a woman posted this morning that she got a positive pregnancy test. "We finally did it!" her post read (among other things). Cool. We should all be happy and excited for her, right?

Except that once I read her signature line. . . . the woman already has 8 children. (This is the part where I come across as b1tchy and judgmental.) I'm sorry, but it is a little hard for me to get excited about someone's NINTH pregnancy! Who even *has* nine kids these days? How can two people adequately parent nine children?

And her use of the word "finally"? Her next-oldest child is not even 2 years old! In my opinion, "finally" should be reserved for use by people who have struggled with trying to get pregnant with their first child for at least a year. I get that a month seems like forever when you're trying to get pregnant--believe me, I get that--but please.

I also thought--again, uncharitably--why does this woman even need to use this site? Clearly she has been able to conceive and carry a pregnancy EIGHT previous times!

There are actually quite a number of ladies posting on the message boards who have at least six children. Personally, the most anyone I know in real life has is 5. . . . and I thought that was a lot!

Another post from a few weeks ago was from a woman who was lamenting the fact that she and her husband were having to borrow $25,000 to go through a second round of in-vitro fertilization. The woman had three children under age 8: two were adopted, and one was her biological child conceived through prior use of IVF.

Those responding to her post were full of support and commiseration: "isn't it awful that insurance doesn't pay for this?" "so sorry for what you're going through," etc. But all I could think was "What the f$%^ are you doing?!"

It is one thing to spend money on IVF (or anything else) if you have the money to spare. Clearly that was not the case here, as the poster was having to finance the procedure. It is something else entirely to spend money on IVF when you already have three children for whose care and futures you are responsible. (As a footnote to this woman's original post, I will mention that I recently read that IVF #2 was unsuccessful, and she is getting ready for IVF #3.)

I get the desire to have a biological child. I do. I also get that people might want more than one biological child. But isn't there a point at which using expensive procedures to achieve this becomes a bit selfish? Where is it written that each of us has a right to have as many biological children as we want? We all certainly have the right to TRY, but shouldn't that be tempered by reason and common sense?

I recently read were someone wrote that paying for IVF is akin to buying a raffle ticket, with the grand prize being a successful pregnancy. Despite what many people think, IVF is NOT a guarantee of pregnancy. In fact, the odds of success with IVF can be quite low, depending upon the age of the parents and their specific infertility issues.

I just don't understand it. I have no children of my own (yet), and *I* wouldn't be willing to go $25K into debt for a CHANCE to have A child. . . . let alone a fourth child.

In addition to things like the two examples I've shared, the boards also have all the usual interpersonal drama that one might expect of any online community.

Is it any wonder why I find them entertaining?

If I just don't bend my knees. . . . .

210.6 (ugh)

I am attributing the number on the scale this morning to major water retention from over-worked muscles. My eating has been pretty good the last few days, and obviously I am exercising much more vigorously than usual with boot camp, so that is the only reasonable explanation in my mind.

My legs are sore as he!! today. Actually, they started feeling a little sore and tight yesterday within an hour or so of finishing my boot camp workout, so I knew today would be bad. The soreness is tolerable as long as I'm sitting and have dosed myself with ibuprofen. If I walk around, it hurts. And if I bend down or climb stairs (up or down), it REALLY hurts!

I really overdid it. I'd never done as many squats--or as many different kinds of squats--as we did yesterday, and I just didn't realize how hard I was working out at the time. I like to think that my legs are really strong because my primary forms of exercise are the elliptical trainer and walking/jogging. . . . plus carrying my fat a$$ around all the time. . . but yikes.

This level of pain is in spite of stretching every other hour yesterday, getting an hour-long massage yesterday evening, and pounding down water like it's going out of style. Think how much pain I'd be in if I hadn't done those things!

Anyhoo, this, too, shall pass. As MM points out, I certainly know that I am getting my money's worth out of this boot camp. There is no doubt that I am working out harder than I would on my own or that I am working muscles that I normally wouldn't.

One of the nurses at my firm is a bit of an exercise fanatic. She is in her early 50s, with two grown children, but in fabulous shape. Normally she works out 6 days a week, either running or taking spinning classes.

Sadly, she ruptured a disk in her back several weeks ago and had to have emergency surgery. She is back at work, but has been told that she can't run or cycle for at least 6 months! The only exercise her surgeon has OK'd is walking, and that just does not get the job done for her: it doesn't raise her heart rate effectively because she's in such great cardiovascular shape.

While talking about my boot camp experience this morning, I could see in her face that she was envious of my sore muscles! She told me to "work out extra hard for both of us."

I would friggin' LOVE to be so into exercising that I would be sad if I couldn't do it! Over the years, I have certainly gotten to where I find it tolerable. . . . and I'm always glad I exercised after a workout. . . . but to have that love of exercise that would make me crave it would be a beautiful thing.

As sore as I am, I am a little scared for tomorrow's boot camp session. At the same time, in a perverse way, I am looking forward to it. MM and I are going to go to the gym this evening, too, per our usual routine. I think 25-30 minutes on the elliptical trainer or the treadmill might actually help me work out some of this soreness.

With getting up so early twice this week (and yesterday I woke up more than an hour before the alarm--at 3:50!--and couldn't go back to sleep), I am quite tired today. Even though I got a good night's sleep, apparently it wasn't enough to make up for the sleep deprivation the night before. [sigh]

Not much else going on with me. After having had several deadlines over the past month or so, I'm currently suffering from a severe lack of motivation at work. My friend L and her husband are coming to Phoenix this weekend, and we will be having dinner with them on Saturday before going to the Coyotes home opener; the tickets to the game were my birthday gift to MM (his request). We will likely go to MM's parents' house for dinner on Sunday. And I need to buy a blouse to wear for our engagement/holiday photo shoot on October 19th this weekend. Ugh--I hate to shop!!

A few of my favorite things

*Peep-toe pumps

*Starbucks Caffe Mochas

*Enell sports bars

*Morningstar Farms Veggie Sausage Patties

*Ceiling fans

*Rainbows

OK, enough already. . . . I'm not freakin' Oprah! ;-)

P.S. One thing I do NOT love: squats!

Yet again shamelessly ripping off another blogger

20 Questions about My Man. . . . . . . in honor of his 35th birthday today:

1. He is sitting in front of the TV, what is he watching? CNN, ESPN, or Entourage

2. You are out to eat, what kind of dressing does he get on his salad? Caesar: he only eats Caesar salads.

3. What's one food he doesn't like? Just one? Wow, there are so many I could name! OK, eggs.
4. You go out to a bar, what does he order? Captain and Coke
5. Where did he go to High School? Burnsville High School (Go Braves!)

6. What size shoe does he wear? 10
7. If he were to collect anything, what would it be? He would never collect; he hates clutter.

8. What is his favorite sandwich? Ham & cheese on white bread
9. What would he eat every day if he could? Nothing: he hates eating the same thing all the time and MUST have variety!
10. What is his favorite cereal? He doesn't like cereal much, but will eat Cocoa Krispies.

11. What would he never wear? A suit and tie. . . . unless he absolutely had to.

12. What is his favorite sports team? Arizona Diamondbacks (MLB), Indiana Hoosiers (NCAA Hoops), Arizona State (NCAA football)
13. Who will he vote for? Obama

14. Who is his best friend? Me

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do? Snore. (tee hee)

16. How many states has he lived in? Three: Minnesota, Indiana, and Arizona

17. What is his heritage? Norwegian
18. You bake him a cake for his birthday, what kind of cake is it? Chocolate with chocolate icing
19. Did he play sports in High School? Yes: football & basketball
20. What could he spend hours doing? Watching sports, discussing politics

1st day of boot camp

209.6 (ugh)

Well, I survived. It was really hard to get up at 4:50 when my alarm went off, but I'm glad I did.

The boot camp was challenging, as I expected. Many of the other participants are boot camp veterans; there were only a few others besides me who were attending for the first time. I had to stop a few times while running stairs, and know I am going to be sore tomorrow. . . . but I feel good, and I'm proud of myself for going.

I am sure I will sleep tonight! Actually, I fully expect to be exhausted by about 2:00 p.m. today. Well, that's why we have coffee. I've pretty much broken my addiction to caffeine, but I'm going to make an exception today if I need it. It's not every day that I shock my body by getting up before 5:00!

Inspired by my exercise, I ate a healthy, low-carb breakfast. I hit the grocery store yesterday for healthy food for the week, and I'm just about out of spending money until I get paid on Friday. . . so I should be in good shape eating-wise. All I have to do is eat the food I bought.

I'm thinking I will probably get up at 6:00 on the days I don't have boot camp, just so I don't totally get off kilter with my sleep schedule. Because I'll be up so early, I think I may take Sebastian and at least do a walk around the neighborhood on the off days.

Hey! If I successfully complete this boot camp, I might actually be in good enough shape to hike while we're in Maui!

I guess I'm an elitist

elitist: someone who believes in rule by an elite group

elite: the choice or best of anything considered collectively, as of a group or class of persons

One thing that has really bugged me this election season has been the use of the word "elitist" as an epithet. . . . as though it's a bad thing to want to be governed by the best possible leaders. An elitist is not a bad thing to be, in my opinion.

I recently watched the movie Idiocracy (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/) for the first time. The premise of the movie is basically that 500 years in the future, America has been so "dumbed down" that an average man from our time is now considered to be smartest man alive.

The movie itself is mildly entertaining; I'm certainly glad I watched on TV at home for free, rather than paying to see it in the theatre. But what struck me about the movie as I was watching it was not its comic genius or great acting. What struck me was that I sometimes feel that our country is actually headed down the path the movie portrays.

Everywhere you look, it seems to have become more and more acceptable to be ill-informed and unintelligent. I recall reading with dismay a survey of Americans in the past year where one in four Americans read no books in the preceding year. NO books! In a year! Our president of the past eight years can't even speak English properly, routinely mispronouncing and misusing words and making up his own words.

I must be really out of touch with many of my fellow countrymen because I really can't grasp why being well-read, educated, and articulate is a bad thing. . . . particularly in someone we might choose to lead our nation and be our representative on the world stage. I don't care if a candidate is someone I can "relate to" or would want to "have a beer with." I care that s/he knows what's going on, both at home and abroad, and has good ideas about how to manage things.

Clearly I am in the minority here. And it's more than a little distressing. While I can surround myself with friends who share my views and feelings, it doesn't change the fact that I live in a country where many believe that electing "the best of the best" is a bad thing. . . . and even more frightening, are swayed by catch phrases, talking points, and other marketing ploys.

What have I done?

206.8

I mentioned that I went ahead and signed up for the fitness boot camp starting October 6th. Now that I'm thinking about the reality of it, I'm regretting it. I have no clue how I'm going to manage to get up at 5:00 a.m. on Monday! I have a hard time getting out of bed before 7:00 these days!!

I've often lamented my lack of self-discipline and intrinsic motivation on this blog. Knowing that I apparently lack the capacity to self-motivate, let's focus on other things that will spur me to get up and go. First, I paid $199 for the four-week boot camp, and it will be totally throwing away my money if I don't go to each session. Second, MM will mock me unmercifully if I wimp out: he's already said that he thinks there's only a "50/50" chance that I'll actually follow through with this. Grrrr. . . .

I know from past experience that the desire to look better--whether in general or for a specific occasion like, say, a wedding--doesn't seem to motivate me. [sigh] I'm such a lazy slug.

I will say this: I have been hella tired for the past few days with no reason whatsoever. I actually had a very healthy day yesterday eating-wise. . . . that is, until I got home and decided to bake MM some chocolate chip cookies. . . . and ended up eating four(!) of them myself. DOH! You would think that the desire to have more energy would motivate me. . . .

Because I know I'm not sick or pregnant, I can only attribute my lack of energy to my eating and exercise habits, which have not been the best of late. I haven't gone to the gym since last Thursday, and the jury is still out on whether I'm going tonight: MM may want to skip to watch the VP debate, and it's doubtful that I'll hit the gym without him. (Yeah, yeah, I know I *could*.)

Well, the boot camp is only 12 sessions. I know I will get a benefit out of it. . . . hell, I might even end up enjoying it! Once it finally cools off here (say, like around Halloween?), I'd like to start hiking again, and I am in no shape to do that currently. There are so many good reasons to do this and only reason--laziness--not to!

On a sad note, I had to say goodbye last night to my friend KH and her family. They are moving to the DC area tomorrow because she's taken a cool new job with the federal appeals court there. I will miss them! It makes me really regret all the times I didn't take advantage of having them living 5 mintues away and spend more time with them. Ah well.

Work is the same old, same old. It's pretty hard to do a job that's 90% reading and writing when you're tired all the time. [sigh]

This weekend I have promised MM that I will spend time with him doing whatever he wants (in honor of his birthday coming up on Oct. 7). We are having dinner with his parents at Maggiano's on Saturday night and going shopping for new clothes for him on Sunday. Other than that, we have no definite plans, but I am at his mercy. ;-)

Gotta get back to work. . . .

Bleh

I feel icky today for some reason. I didn't eat breakfast before leaving for the office, so I thought that was the reason I felt faintly nauseated. . . . but now I've eaten lunch and still feel icky. Hrmph.

In addition to feeling physically sub-par, I just don't want to work today. I am slogging through some projects because I have deadlines and I have no choice. . . . but I'd like nothing better than to spend the whole day on the couch reading a good novel instead. ANYWAY. . . .

To update: my period showed up on Saturday, right on schedule, as predicted. I had a brief phone call from the RE's office yesterday afternoon to review the paperwork we had submitted and to confirm our initial consultation for October 14th. Apparently no actual testing will be done at the first visit; rather, we will meet with the doctor (who is very qualified and was voted one of the Best Doctors in Phoenix), and he will review our histories and design a "treatment plan" for us.

At this point, I am not at all planning to have any treatment, if by "treatment" they mean interventions that involve my shooting my body full of hormones. A friend of mine sought care from a RE a few years back, and she told me that her doctor didn't try to push them into doing intervention. But I've also heard the reverse from some people: that their doctors were suggesting IVF at the first appointment.

I intend to make it clear to the RE at the first appointment that there are definite limits to what MM and I will do in order to have a baby of our own and that we are primarily interested in getting tested to see if there are any problems that will prevent this from happening naturally.

I am in no way judging or criticizing those people who use advanced reproductive technology to get pregnant. I just don't think that it's something I can do. I am prone to mild depression anyway, so I certainly don't want to put drugs into my body that will alter my mood. And I have a job that requires me to be able to focus and concentrate; from what I've read, many fertility drugs have a negative impact on cognitive function.

So we shall see what happens. I have not entirely given up hope that we will get this done on our own before we even complete the diagnostic phase. I certainly hope that is the case.

Anyhoo. . . . I really need another obsession. Getting back on track with the healthier eating and exercise would be an obvious first choice, particularly since our planned wedding date is now less than two months away. . . but so far, I'm not feelin' it. (I also never feel icky like I do today when I'm eating low-carb and exercising.)

I'm going to do the fitness boot camp starting on Monday. Maybe that'll kick my a$$ into gear. . . .

Doc Holliday: December 2000 to September 2008

My sister V bought "Doc" from a pet store in March 2001. V bought Doc in the early stages of her relationship with her boyfriend (now husband) "D." The puppy was named after D's favorite Tombstone character, Doc Holliday.

When V bought Doc, he was a very cute black Lab/German Shepherd mix puppy, not more than 3 months old, who had been returned to the store by a previous owner. . . a not-so-bright fellow who thought keeping the puppy caged while he worked 15+ hours a day was a good idea. Not surprisingly, Doc had attempted to escape from the plastic kennel in which he was confined. I often ribbed V about her dog being a "return."

V's "Li'l Pup" lived with D at first because V's roommate at the time was allergic to dogs. (Ironically, the roommate later married a man who owned a dog, but that's another post.) Of course, V saw Doc regularly while he lived with D, and V moved in with D in May.

D had a dog of his own when they met (still does), and our family had dogs throughout our childhood, but Doc was the first dog who was V's own dog. Despite his separation anxiety and his typical canine bad habit of chewing up many, many things, including shoes, furniture, and window sills, V loved Doc almost as if he were her own child.

In return, Doc was very loyal to V. He followed V from room to room whenever she was at home and slept with her in the bed at night: no mean feat for a dog who was nearly 100 pounds full-grown! Doc liked few things better than being near his "mom" and getting petted.

Doc was a very energetic dog. Doc had that joie de vive that, though not universal, is unique to dogs. Every day was a pleasure and an opportunity for new adventures for him.

Doc loved life and lived it to its doggy fullest. He loved water, so he loved accompanying V and her family on trips to their Outer Banks beach house. When he visited my mom in Ohio, he fearlessly jumped off the boat dock into the lake near her home and swam until exhausted.

Doc could chase a frisbee for hours. On the day my sister graduated from law school in May 2002, he did just that, keeping every guest who was willing to throw the frisbee occupied throughout her graduation party. At one point in his life, his obsession with the frisbee grew to the point where the frisbee could not be referred to by its real name unless the person mentioning it wanted to go outside and throw it for him. You couldn't even spell out f-r-i-s-b-e-e because he knew what that meant, too!

Doc also loved his toys. Each day when his people returned home, he would greet them with a toy in his mouth. . . or a shoe, if no toy was handy. Once my nephew Rowan arrived, Doc thought that Rowan's stuffed toys were his, too, and could often be found carrying them in his mouth.

As Rowan has begun to feed himself, Doc would often station himself near his high chair so that he'd be ready to receive the tidbits of food that Rowan would either drop or throw down for him. Like all dogs, Doc liked people food. He was especially fond of Chik Fil A chicken nuggets, and V often bought them for him as a treat.

Our father says he will remember the way that Doc used to stare at you intently when he wanted your attention and the endearing way he had of getting you to let him out. He would jump around excitedly until you said the word "out" or "outside." Then he would run halfway to the door and back until he was sure that you were really going to let him out.

In 2006, Doc had to undergo surgery on both his back legs within several months due to degenerative arthritis. The surgeries, akin to total knee replacements in humans, each required 6-8 weeks of recovery during which Doc could not run or jump. In addition to the pain and temporary limitations on Doc's activity, the surgeries were expensive: each cost nearly $3000. Yet even after having gone through the first surgery, knowing the expense, V didn't hesitate to get the second surgery when Doc needed it later the same year. (After the second surgery, in an homage to the 70's TV show "The Six Million Dollar Man," V took to referring to Doc jokingly--but accurately--as "the Six Thousand Dollar Dog.")

Both Doc's surgeries were successful, and after recovering from them, he was once again able to run and jump. V has noticed over the past months, though, that activities that used to come easily to Doc have been getting more difficult for him: he has a harder time getting on and off the bed and often lets out an audible grunt on landing. Doc's vet told them a few weeks ago that the arthritis in Doc's legs continues to progress in spite of his surgeries and that they could expect him to be in an increasing amount of pain.

Like the loss of any cherished friend, Doc's passing will leave a void for V that will not easily--if ever--be filled.

Hope

Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.
--Friedrich Nietzsche

Since I gave up hope, I feel a lot better.
--Steve Taylor

Prior to meeting MM, falling in love with MM, and beginning to believe that I would build a life with MM, I had given up hope of ever having my own child. I'd actually given up that hope twice. The first time was when I decided to change careers at age 30 while still unmarried and childless; I realized that this choice greatly decreased the likelihood that I would be in a position to focus on motherhood. I gave it up again when my relationship with SL ended; I truly believed at that time, based on my relationship history, that it would be years before I would fall in love again, and I thought that there was a strong possibility I wouldn't ever marry. Single motherhood has never much appealed to me: being a parent is one of the hardest things in the world, and I couldn't fathom choosing to do it alone!

I have always had a strong mothering instinct and knew that eventually it would have to find an outlet other than Golden Retrievers. I had a vague plan in my mind that once I had reached my early-to-mid 40s and all prospect of my own, biological child was passed, I would adopt a child from foster care. Baby or slightly older child: it didn't much matter to me. Until then, I would devote myself to developing my career, spending time with friends, and pursuing hobbies.

However. . . I fell in love with a man who wants a child of his own. And while I had put that dream out of my mind prior to meeting him, apparently I had never totally given up on the idea because it was readily revived once I knew that it was again a possibility. I was happy, eager to revive it.

Thus the hope of having a child of my own was reborn. And to tell you the truth, since that hope has returned, I've felt worse than when I had just accepted that it would likely never happen.

I have written here before about our decision to stop using birth control and our efforts to get me pregnant. My period is due tomorrow, and every sign is pointing toward it arriving right on schedule yet again. For six cycles--just over five months--MM and I have done everything "right," but I'm still not pregnant.

I know, I know: five months really isn't that long--especially at my age!--and "God will bless us when He thinks the time is right." "Some people try for years!" BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. We should "just relax"! I haven't told many people of our efforts; in spite of that fact, I've pretty much heard every imaginable platitude already in regard to our failure to conceive to date.

I'm sure that there aren't appreciably more babies or pregnant women in the world today than there were six months ago. . . but I am now acutely aware of both in a way that I wasn't before. Thank God I have not yet reached the point where I cannot be happy when a friend or family member announces her own pregnancy. . . but I fear I am moving in that direction. (I am already bitter when I hear that one of the felons MM supervises has fathered another child, primarily because these pregnancies are almost invariably unintended and unwanted.)

Technically, I am not "infertile," as infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after trying for a year. (Some doctors say six months of trying if you're over 35, as I am.) Even by the looser, six-month standard, I won't be "infertile" unless we don't conceive this coming cycle. In spite of that fact, I have already scheduled a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist (an OB/GYN specializing in the treatment of reproductive disorders) for us; the appointment is on October 14th.

By the time the appointment arrives, we will be just days shy of six months of "trying." While I fear that something is wrong with either MM or I that is preventing us from making a baby, I fear almost equally that nothing is wrong, except that I am old to be trying for a first pregnancy. If we find out that something is wrong that cannot be fixed, what then? If we find out that NOTHING is wrong, I guess we just keep "trying"?

I regularly visit a website on which I chart my cycles, and that website has message boards. From visiting these message boards, I am well aware that many women have had (and are having) a more difficult journey to parenthood than I have had thus far. My own sister "tried" for over two years before conceiving her son, and I know more than one person who has had to have IVF in order to become a mom.

BUT. . . knowing that other people have it worse than I do has never been a solace to me in any other area of my life, and it's not a solace to me here. I'm only five months in, and I'm already thoroughly sick of this.

Sometimes I wish I had never revived my hope for a child. I was much more contented when I had set it aside.

Another stolen meme

My favorite age: hmmm. I'll say "in my 30s," because it's been my best decade yet and I can't pick just one year in there!
My best friend: MM would want me to say him, but I'd say KC. . . unless canines qualify, and then it'd be Sebastian.
My celebrity crush: Conor Jackson of the Arizona Diamondbacks
My defining characteristic: Intelligence
My most evil moment: Hmmm. I honestly can't think of anything I've done that I'd classify as "evil."
My favorite food: green chile chicken enchiladas (with hot genuine Hatch green chiles)
My grossest injury: I sliced into my left index finger a little over a year ago while cutting an avocado.
My biggest hatred: stupid people.
My most illegal activity: letting my dog run in the park unleashed (yeah, I'm a rebel).
My need for justice: I am outraged by anyone who harms a child!
My most knowledgeable field: oddly enough, I'd say relationships.
My life’s goal: to make a difference.
My mother’s influence: she taught me to make lists and to never forget to commemorate loved ones' birthdays and special occasions with a card.
My nerdiest point: Uh. . . my whole life I've been nerdy! I guess I'll say high school.
My oldest memory: at age 2, sitting on the back stoop of the house I lived in from age 2 to age 5 after being punished for having a potty-training "accident."
My perfect date: Being with someone who makes me laugh and talking into the wee hours. . . the setting wouldn't matter much.
My unanswered question: Why are we here?
My random fact: I like raisins, but hate raisin bread.
My stupidest decision: not breaking up with SL when I first knew he had a drinking problem.
My favorite television show: Friends
My style of underwear: Hip huggers
My favorite vegetable: Zucchini
My weakest trait: I am overly critical and have unrealistically high expectations of people and situations.
My X-men power: time travel
My strongest yearning: in general, to live a life of purpose. I also yearn to be a mother.
My moment of Zen: petting Sebastian in the evenings.

Wake me up when September ends

207.6 (ugh)

I haven't written an entry for a while. . . primarily because I don't really have much about which to write. Life is clipping along pretty much as normal.

My eating has been so-so. I am complying with the Core plan about half the time. Unfortunately, I am probably consuming in excess of the 35 points allowed for the week of non-Core foods, and I know I'm not eating enough fruits & veggies (though I'm making an effort). I went to the grocery store on Monday night and bought healthful provisions. . . but I've still not been 100% Core-compliant.

I had three consecutive weeks when I couldn't make it to my usual Weight Watchers meeting due to the move, depositions, etc. So now I haven't gone to a meeting in four weeks. But my work friend (who goes with me) and I plan to go back next Tuesday.

MM and I are doing our usual 3-times-a-week workouts. Each session I do 25-30 minutes on either the elliptical trainer or the treadmill and some upper body work: either assisted pull-ups and triceps dips or free weights. Nothing new or exciting.

I am at the point in my cycle where I should know within the next few days whether I am pregnant or not. I am guessing that I'm not--no pessimism, just realistic knowledge of the odds per cycle--and if that is the case, I've decided that I am going to do that fitness boot camp this next month. (It'd probably be safe to do even if I were pregnant, but I wouldn't want to take any chances.)

The fitness boot camp starts on Monday October 6. I will do it three days a week at 5:30 a.m. (ugh!), and continue my three days a week of gym workouts with MM. Surely six days a week of exercise should make me lose some weight!! I know there is no way I'd get up that early on my own to exercise. . . but somehow I think that if I spend my hard-earned money on it, I will do it.

Our spa is nearing completion! The company called MM today to tell him that there is only one more step in the construction process. They expect it to be finished by the end of the week.

I'll be really glad when the spa is done. . . not only because I want to see how it turns out--and use it, of course--but because then the landscapers can get started. Once the landscaping is done and our ceiling fans are installed (Friday morning), the house will be "finished" except for buying a few more decorative items for the great room. (We did already order some art for one of the walls.)

What else to share? I spent all day last Saturday in Tucson. I drove up to visit M, the little girl with whom I volunteer. She is going through yet another difficult transition in her young life, so I will be seeing her more often for a while. I got to briefly see a couple of friends, too, while I was in town.

Today I am getting an hour-long massage after work. I need it! I am also meeting my friend C for dinner. It'll be good to see her: she is pregnant and gets bigger each time we get together. ;-)

This weekend will be spent de-cluttering/cleaning at my old apartment; working (I'm hella behind); and having a night out with some friends of MM's. Probably slightly more drudgery than fun, but some weekends are like that.

Hard to believe it's almost October. . . .

Boot camp?

207.2 (better)

Not much to report. A big case that I've been involved in settled yesterday. It was a very good outcome for our client. That case was responsible for a lot of my billing in May and June especially and would've resulted in lots more billables in a few months if we'd gone to trial. But it was a case that needed to be settled: a verdict at trial could've been in the tens of millions of dollar.

Construction on our spa started yesterday, a day ahead of schedule. I'll be excited when it's complete and the landscaping can be done. The yards look pretty crappy at the moment: they are both just plain reddish-brown dirt.

I hit the gym with MM last night as planned. I am considering signing up for a 4-week boot camp. There is one starting on October 6. If I go three days a week (MWF), it will cost just over $200. I think that might be just what I need to kick my a$$ into gear. And I could still work out with MM on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday or Sunday.

The main downside to the boot camp? It starts at 5:30 a.m. Ugh. On the other hand, though, it would give me plenty of time to get done, get home, and get to work, even on days when I have an early meeting or hearing.

That's about the news here. Nothing really exciting going on! No news is good news, I guess. ;-)

One week

209.2 [sigh]

It's depressing how just one week of poor food choices and less exercise than usual can lead to a significant gain. . . . while one week of "good" behavior rarely goes far.

It's been 6 days since we moved in to our house. In those 6 days, I've eaten out much more than usual and not made all healthy choices. I've only made it to the gym once. On some days, I haven't even had enough water. . . which is a healthy habit I usually maintain even when I'm not trying to lose weight.

I am slowly getting back on track, but I do mean slowly. I skipped breakfast this morning because I needed to come to work earlier than usual. Now it's 9:15, I'm starving, and the office is serving breakfast pastries in honor of those with September birthdays at 10:00. Yeah, I could say that I'm going to pass on the pastries and eat some of the instant oatmeal I have in my drawer. . . but I'd be kidding myself. I'm gonna have pastries.

Well, I did bring a healthy lunch, and MM and I will be going to the gym this evening. (We've had to switch to a different gym location, though, and I'm not sure yet how busy it is at 7:00 pm.) Dinner will likely be a healthier option, too. So as I say, slowly getting back on track.

I've felt much more sluggish and unfocused since allowing lots of carbs to creep back into my diet, too. You would think that this would spur me to go back to eating Core/SB style. . . but I just haven't put in the planning that's required.

Other than eating/exercise, life is fine. We are pretty much settled into our new house. The only "must buy" items left are art for the living room and master bedroom. (I already own lots of things that I like, but MM wants us to choose things together that we will both like.) Ground-breaking on our spa should start this week. Work is busy, but not crazy.

This coming weekend I will likely be going to Tucson to visit my CASA child. There has been some drama there, but nothing I can write about on my blog. Suffice it to say that this poor 8-year-old girl is going through yet another difficult transition in her young life. Sunday MM and I may go to his parents' house for dinner. No other plans made, and I doubt I'll have time for much else.

Oh, I did want to mention one thing: I found sparkly flip-flops to match the dress I bought for the wedding! I actually bought 2 pairs because I couldn't decide between two styles. Together the 2 pairs of flip-flops cost just over $5. My entire wedding outfit is going to be less than $40! LOL

I am blessed

I will admit that I was in a bit of a mood earlier today for absolutely no good reason. My mood turned out to be nothing that a day of no work, having Indian food for lunch, and a pedicure couldn't cure.

As I am sitting around our new house waiting on MM to get home, I started thinking how very blessed I am. I spend a lot of time thinking/kvetching about things I don't have or that haven't gone my way, but spend very little time thinking about the ways in which I am extremely fortunate. Many of the good things in my life have come to me at least in part through my own efforts: my job, our new house and furniture, Sebastian, even--to some degree--my friends. But some of the good things I have in my life can only be described as gifts; they came to me through no effort on my part.

A few examples:

**I have always had the base of a happy childhood because I grew up in a home with parents who loved and cared for me and didn't abuse or neglect me. Not once in my childhood did I ever go to sleep cold, hungry, or afraid. I always had a comfortable and safe house in which to live, clothes to wear, food to eat, and the knowledge that I was loved. That fact alone sets me apart from many people I know.

**My father's mother lived with us from the time I was 1 until I was 17. In addition to being a loving and positive force in my life, she was a woman of deep faith who had lived most of her life during a very different time. . . almost in a different world. I can't even begin to explain the ways in which she shaped my growth; I still think of her almost every day, and she's been gone for nearly 20 years.

**I have a sister who is now one of my closest friends. I didn't always value her presence in my life when we were children, and like many children, wished at times that I could have been the only one. I certainly have appreciated my sister since we have been grown. (I hope I've shown her this enough!)

**Learning always came easily to me; as a result, school was always more of a joy than a chore. My love of school is what allowed me to go back and pursue my second career at age 30. . . a career that has brought me much more intellectual fulfillment and greater earnings.

**I was born in the United States. When I stop and think about the rights and privileges that are mine solely as a result of this happy accident, I am humbled. As much as I (& many of my friends) complain about what is wrong with this country, I can think of only a handful of others in which I would be willing to live my life.

**I am healthy. Yes, I now have high cholesterol and have always struggled with my weight. I will probably continue to struggle with both for the rest of my life. But I wake up nearly every morning feeling good, with no pain, and my body has been able to do just about everything I've demanded of it so far.

Yes, I have done what I can to make "the right choices" in my life. . . but many of the things that are probably most responsible for my happiness are things that I didn't--couldn't--choose at all.

Bullet Point Friday

206.8 (sigh)

I am feeling wholly unmotivated to work today. I brought about 8-10 hours' worth of stuff home with me yesterday so that I could "work from home" today; so far, aside from responding to emails I've done zero. It's not the end of the world, but it *does* mean I will have to catch up on this crap over the weekend. NOT good!

We are basically moved into our house. Furniture and appliances were delivered yesterday, so now it feels like we actually live here.

Projects still to be completed: ceiling fans (to be installed next week); garage door opener (to be installed Monday); partially in-ground spa (breaking ground early next week and will take 2-3 weeks to complete); and landscaping (cannot be started until spa is complete). I have a few little items to buy for the house, but nothing major.

Because of lack of time (& my stress level), I left quite a bit of stuff behind at my old apartment to sort through "later." The pain in the ass thing about that is that I am now going to have to set aside a half day on 3-4 weekends to go and deal with all that crap. I guess at the time I figured it would be better to spread out the suffering and not deal with it all at once as we were scrambling to get ready for our move. But now that we are in the new house, I'm over it and don't want to deal with it! Oh well. No one else is going to take care of this for me, so I've just got to suck it up and do it.

I've got to get back on track with the Core plan. I've skipped Weight Watchers the past two weeks, and I've been eating out a lot the past few days, mainly because we didn't have a refrigerator until yesterday afternoon. Must stop the regain that is happening before it gets out of control. . .

Yesterday I felt strangely tense and disconnected all day. I am chalking it up to the move and all the stress related to that. I'm sure it's not relationship related because spending the evening with MM actually made me feel less tense and disconnected.

A completely random aside: I ordered the Furminator from drugstore.com just before the move and used it on Sebastian just before he went to stay with my future in-laws. It's appropos of nothing, but I couldn't resist including a photo of all the hair I got off!

About the house photos: our carpet color looks off in the photo of the great room where Sebastian is seen on the left side. . . but I included it anyway because he's in it. The colors in the other photos are much more true-to-life.

Movin' on up

(forgot to weigh--oops!)

Lots going on today! MM and I had our walk-through at the new house this morning, and it went well. There are a few minor things--mostly cosmetic--that need to be repaired, but not much. Our home inspector only found a handful of things, too, so it shouldn't take long for the builder to fix them.

I am super excited about moving in! NOT super excited about the process--because everyone knows how much moving sucks A$$--but thrilled to be living in our new home. It's even nicer for me because I've never owned my own home before, I've never lived in a brand-new house, and I've never moved into any home knowing that I could stay as long as I wanted (and would likely stay at least 5-6 years). Woohoo!

The movers will be at my apartment between 7:30 and 8:00 tomorrow morning, and there are several things that need to happen before then. I have a few things left to pack, and we are taking Sebastian to stay with MM's parents this evening so that he'll be out of the way during the move and all the deliveries and installations over the next two days. (I'm going to miss my boy!) Plus MM and I need to get organized because quite a few things in my apartment are not going to the new house. . . or at least aren't going tomorrow with the movers. (One way of slightly reducing my workload and stress level related to the move has been that we have decided to pay out my lease--which ends in November--instead of breaking it. The cost to us is the same, and this will allow me to deal with odds and ends and everything that I'm giving away in the next 8-9 weeks.)

After supervising the loading of my belongings tomorrow morning, I will drive up to our new community and pick up our keys while MM accompanies the movers to his storage room to get his stuff. I plan to take a few of my more valuable or fragile items with me in my car and will move them in while I wait for MM and the movers to arrive. Specifically, I really need to make sure that my computer and modem are there and turned on in the appropriate room before the cable guy arrives; I can't go too long without my internet connection, especially if I need to work from home.

I will likely end up spending the entire day at the house and not going to work at all. It'll likely be close to noon by the time the movers are done. We're expecting the cable guy and someone from the gas company in the afternoon, and I want to get as much unpacking done as possible. (In typical fashion, MM thinks we should get all the unpacking done on Wednesday.)

MM will be taking Thursday off as well because there are more deliveries scheduled: refrigerator, washer/dryer, new sectional for great room, ceiling fans, and a few other things I can't remember at the moment. He's so good to take care of all this for us!

Will update again soon. . .