Back to life

216.0 (at home this morning)
218.8 (at JC WI this evening)

I lost 3.0 lbs at this week's weigh-in, but that is hardly to my credit or due to my healthy choices. Up until this morning, I have barely been able to eat since Friday night. I'll take a loss any way I can get it, but feeling ill for three days stinks!

I flew to Houston last Friday to visit my friend D and her family. Aside from getting a bit of a late start from the local airport, the trip was uneventful. It was great to see D and her children, who have obviously grown quite a bit in the 19 months since I saw them last (they are 7, 9, and almost 11). The boys and I were looking forward to spending a fun Saturday together.

About an hour after I went to bed, I woke up with diarrhea and was up about every other hour the rest of the night. I also had awful nausea. Instead of playing with the boys, I ended up laying around most of Saturday--aside from a trip to Target to buy PeptoBismol. Not exactly the fun visit with "Miss S" that they had anticipated.

I only tried to eat more than dry toast twice during the whole trip, both times with undesirable consequences: one time I vomited, the other time I didn't, but felt nauseous and bloated for about 6 hours after the meal. Ugh.

Still and all, I did get to spend time with D and chat with her face-to-face. Despite my illness, we also went to a BBQ that my friend H--who lives in a different part of the Houston metro area--hosted in honor of her younger daughter's baptism. It was good to see H and her family again. I couldn't believe how much her older daughter had grown, and I had never seen her younger daughter (aged nearly 8 months) except in photos.

I have finally started feeling back to normal this afternoon. I have had no more nausea/vomiting/diarrhea since yesterday, but felt weak, bloated, and tired until after lunch. . . . despite getting nearly 13 hours of sleep upon returning home. I think I am gradually getting rehydrated.

I am a lousy patient, as I seldom get sick and usually shake things off quickly when I do. I hope this will be the last illness I will have to deal with for a while.

I am going to be seeing D & H in New Mexico in a few weeks. (We all have an event we are attending there.) So I'm happy about that.

In addition to my loss of 3 lbs this week, one other desirable side effect of my illness is that my stomach has shrunk. That should make it easier for me to stay on track with my JC plan this week.

I have a job interview on Friday! To make a long story short, a former co-worker of mine called and told me about an opportunity at the firm she will be leaving shortly for a new position. I emailed them my resume right after lunch and by two o'clock, I had a call to schedule an interview. I don't want to say too much more about the position, for fear of jinxing myself. I am hopeful, though.

Funny how these things happen. The colleague who called is not someone who knows me well, and didn't know that I was looking for a job; she just happened to think of me as someone who would be a good fit to fill her shoes once she leaves the job. I am choosing to view this as a positive harbinger of good karma. Perhaps the universe has decided that, after the difficult past two months or so that I've had, it's time for some positive change in my life.

The position is in Tucson and would mean at least $12,000 more a year, with the hope of making more $$ in the future. It might be just what the doctor ordered, if I get it. We'll see.

Not much else going on here. I won last week's trial, a home burglary. It was a brief, but fun trial; the jury returned a guilty verdict in about 20 minutes: a record for me. Even the judge's bailiff, who is notoriously pro-defense, said she would've convicted on these facts. LOL ;-)

Next trial is 6/12. . . a lovely possession of crack cocaine charge.

Ten reasons why I love living in Arizona

(Idea stolen from Hilly's blog. . . she borrowed it from someone else ;-) )

1. No cold weather or snow (at least here in the south). I have not owned a real coat in years, and I love it.

2. On a related note. . . I can drive a few hours, never leave the state, and see snow in winter if I want. I can go from the desert to the mountains in a short drive. Very cool.

3. It cracks me up how we are known nationally as a "red" state. Aside from the Phoenix metro area, which just happens to be the major population center, most of the rest of AZ is quite liberal and Democrat.

4. Saguaro cactuses. No other state's got 'em. . . at least not naturally occurring.

5. Even though it's predictable, I have to include the Grand Canyon. It's frickin' AMAZING! There is absolutely no substitute for seeing it firsthand; pictures do NOT do it justice.

6. The best mexican food this side of New Mexico. (In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that NM is my home state, though AZ is now my home.)

7. It's a dry heat. Seriously, it gets very, very hot here. . . . but at least it's not humid. My curly hair is thankful to avoid the frizz factor.

8. The summer monsoon. The rainstorms in the desert are something very unique and awesome. The sights, sounds, smells are incredible.

9. Casual is (almost) always appropriate. Try going to court or a wedding in denim in NYC. . . not gonna happen. Here, it's usually A-OK.

10. Wildcats basketball.

Brilliant!

221.8 (at home this morning and at JC WI this evening--odd)

I lost 1.2 lbs this week, despite putting forth minimal effort. I'm not complaining! I was a bit surprised, though pleasantly so.

Though I am still not as enthusiastic as I was when I started Jenny Craig, I am definitely not in the funk I felt a week ago. I'm going to continue making the best effort I can each day and not be too hard on myself when (not "if") I falter. I have been walking less at lunchtimes due to my workload, and I'm still not faithfully walking Sebastian each morning. But tomorrow's a new day.

I start a home burglary trial tomorrow. I'm both excited and apprehensive about it. I have a good case: both the defendant's fingerprint and his DNA (from a blood smear on blinds near the point of entry, a broken window) were found in the home (where he had no legitimate reason to be). Having a really good case, though, sometimes makes me more nervous. . . like "if I screw *this* up, I must really suck." LOL Plus, despite almost a year-and-a-half of prosecuting property crimes, this will be the first trial in which I have presented either fingerprint & DNA evidence. I hope all goes smoothly.

I also hope things go timely. I am planning on leaving the office at noon on Friday to fly out to visit my friend D & her family in Houston. I anticipate my trial will be finished on Wednesday afternoon, but unexpected things can come up from time to time. It will really stink if something comes up with the trial that makes me miss my trip.

On my way to morning court this morning, shortly before 9 a.m., I ran into SL, who was apparently just arriving to work. (We work across the street from one another; despite that fact, this is the first time I have run into him in the area since our break-up.) We had a brief but friendly conversation about his work (busy), his cat (needy), and how my mom is coping with the loss of her husband (fairly well).

In an odd way, I enjoyed seeing him. I do wonder about him and how he is doing a lot. I was a little sad after our encounter for a while. . . . but covering the busy morning calendar at court quickly distracted me from dwelling on the interaction. My feelings for him are still there, but I am still sure 95% of the time that ending our relationship was the right thing to do. As I am seldom 100% sure of anything, that'll have to do. Seeing him like that gives me hope that some day in the future we can be friends. I'm not quite ready for that yet, though.

I am, for the millionth time, getting back on track with being more organized. I cleaned off my desk today and did quite a bit of filing; my office looks neat. Work is always the easier part for me. I also re-subscribed to the FlyLady's emails. Even if I only do half of what she recommends, it'll still be more than I am doing currently.

I can hardly believe that Memorial Day is a week from today! I am very much looking forward to seeing my friend D, and to getting out of town for the long weekend. I haven't gone anywhere for fun for a while. . . not since I went to visit baby Rowan before Christmas. :-)

Forced to shop

221.0

I am still not totally gung ho about the whole weight loss thing like I was back in early April when I started on Jenny Craig. . . but I have been in less of a funk the past couple of days. I did get up this morning and take Sebastian for a 35-minute walk, and I've been making OK food choices. I feel less inclined to go totally overboard with food, too; probably because I am not as bummed out.

The house seems really quiet at the moment because Sebastian is at the groomer. (He was getting quite shaggy & smelling doggy.) It's strange how someone who doesn't talk can be such a good companion and how much I notice when he's not here.

I got a few errands done this morning after dropping off the dog. The pants I wore to work yesterday were literally falling down. It felt good to have that proof that I am losing some weight, but that means two pairs of pants are out of my work wardrobe rotation (I have the same style/size pants in another color, too). Last night I went through my clothes and discovered that I am still a little too fat for any of my size 14 pants: they fit, but tightly. I must have gone around in denial wearing ill-fitting clothes between size 14 and 18 because I have only one or two pairs of pants that fit my current size.

I stopped by Kohl's and bought three new pairs of work pants and a couple of cute spring blouses for work. Then I ran to the Walmart for miscellaneous stuff and bought a pair of jeans while I was there. (Same deal with jeans: I have a pair of size 18/20 that are now too big, and three pairs of size 14 that don't yet fit.)

I know it's not very womanly to say this, but I really hate to shop. Part of the reason, no doubt, is because I am so overweight; the selection in the plus-size section of most stores leaves much to be desired. (So many of the things look like something a grandma would wear.) Another reason I hate shopping is that I hate spending money on clothes. Also, I never seem to find exactly what I want. Unlike most women, I shop only when it is necessary. . . it is definitely NOT a recreational activity to me. If I were rich, even if I were thin & rich, I would have a personal shopper and never set foot in another clothing store.

The rest of the day will be pretty much more of the same. I'm reading a good book, and I hope I can exercise the self-discipline to get a few things done around the house. I was going to go to the post office today, too, but I am not in the mood to deal with the long line I am sure to find there. The things I have to mail to my mom & my sister can wait until some day this coming week.

I might even stop and pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress on my way to the groomer; I never picked it up once SL & I called off the wedding. The dress has been ready and waiting there since the end of March. At first, I just didn't want to deal with it--it was due to be picked up two days after we broke up. Later, I moved; between the chaos of the move and the fact that I know live quite far from the shop, I just haven't gotten around to doing anything about the dress. I might as well pick it up, though: it cost nearly $350, not to mention $225 for the alterations. I may try to resell it at a consignment shop or on ebay; worst case scenario, I will donate it to charity.

I'm going out to a few bars with some friends from work tonight. I hope it's fun. I haven't done the bar scene since law school. We'll see. :-)

I've lost my mojo

221.4 (unofficial at home)
223.0 (JC weigh-in--big 0.2 lb loss)

I have no idea why, but I seem to have mostly lost my motivation to work on the whole weight loss thing. I have been in a general funk for the past few days, brought on by a variety of things. I think that, combined with an "off the wagon" weekend, is the primary reason I seem to have lost my weight loss mojo. . . . but who knows, there may be others. For me, motivation is a mysterious thing.

I actually felt bad for my Jenny Craig consultant tonight. She is a spunky, happy woman in her mid-to-late forties who retired after a career as a court reporter and now does this as her part-time job. She has been very enthusiastic and encouraging at each week's visit, and she was quite dismayed and taken aback by my attitude today. I sensed that she was also quite baffled at my somewhat sudden volte face.

Well, I went ahead and bought the food for the week, in hopes that my drive will return. In any event, I have to eat something. . . I might as well eat something healthier than I'll pick up on the drive home from work.

I haven't exercised much in the past week either. For a few weeks, I was doing quite well: getting up in the mornings to take the dog for a 15-minute walk before work, and going for a walk on my lunch hour 2-3 times a week for at least 30 minutes. I think I went on two lunchtime walks in the past week, and I have reverted to laziness and multiple "snoozes" in the mornings and have been skipping the poor dog's morning walks all together.

I can't precisely pinpoint why I feel the way I do about the whole weight loss thing. In my current frame of mind, it just seems pointless to be working so hard to lose weight. My feeling about the whole endeavor is "for what?" Being thinner won't make me happier; it won't change my life in any way, except for giving me more clothing options and perhaps making more attractive to men.

And even once the weight is lost, the battle isn't won. In order to maintain an "ideal weight," I'd have to continue to be vigilant about what I eat every day for the rest of my life. I just feel that I am not really up for all this, and that there are better things for me to be focusing on. . . . things that might actually affect a positive change on my life as a whole, inside of just primarily my appearance.

Though I didn't really think of it in those terms at the time, I broke things off with SL with the understanding that I was making a choice between him and being alone. At no time did I think "I need to get out of this relationship so that I can make room in my life for something/someone better." No; my only thought was "living alone would be preferable to living with his drinking for the rest of my life."

Because of that decision, I think that I am more resigned to the idea of being single for the rest of my life than I have ever been after a break-up. It's as if I approached the edge of a precipice, looked over to see what lay below, and realized I'd rather not make the jump because what was at the bottom didn't seem worth the risk to me. Because of this state of mind, one of my primary motivators for weight loss--the hope of attracting a man--is basically gone.

I will freely admit that I have always been inclined to get a bit fatalistic (& pessimistic) after a break-up. I've often uttered the words "I'm never going to get married." This time, though, I believe that this possibility is a distinct possibility. This is not me feeling sorry for myself; this is me accepting what is and bearing the consequences of my choices.

One change in my life that I believe would bring me greater happiness than weight loss would be a job change. Don't get me wrong: I love being a lawyer; I love being a prosecutor. What I *do* not love is the low pay and the constant worry about money that goes along with that low pay. My tastes are quite simple, and I am not at all a greedy person. Having said that, though, it would be nice to earn enough $$ to not empty my checking account before every paycheck, have some savings for retirement and for emergencies, and be able to pursue at least one or two hobbies.

I've put the word out among my lawyer friends that I am looking in earnest for a new job. I have had a couple of leads from friends so far, though neither was precisely what I'm looking for. Several other friends have offered to keep their eyes & ears open and let me know when/if opportunities are available. I am resigned to the fact that finding the right position--something that will be interesting enough not to bore me, but not so intensive that I'll be stressed out--at the right salary (no less than $15-20K more a year than I make currently) may take several months. My current hope is to be in a new job by the end of the year.

Reading back on this entry and the more I think about it, I should at least get back to walking Sebastian in the mornings. There's no reason why the best Golden Retriever in the world should be short-changed just because his owner is a lazy sack. ;-)

Every choice has consequences

220.4 (unofficial this morning)

I'm glad it's Friday! I have had a busy week without really getting much accomplished. For one thing, I was in court every morning this week, as opposed to usually only 2-3 mornings in a week. For reasons that are not clear to me, I have not been very focused at work this week, either. Hmph.

My house is a mess. Despite my initial good intentions & plans to unpack a box a day. . . . I have not touched the remaining boxes from my move since before my parents' visit two weekends ago. (sigh) I finally vacuumed the common areas of the house last night; that is basically the only housework I have done all week. I don't know why I seem to have such a mental block against keeping things neat & organized. If I had a therapist, that is definitely an issue we would discuss.

At work, I am quite organized. My desk may fall into chaos for a few days when things are hectic (& they often are), but I always know where to find things, and the mess never lasts for more than those few days. When I was a hospital nurse, before law school, it was the same: I was very organized at work. I'm not sure what the disconnect is that prevents me from imposing the same order on my home that I do at my job. One would think being organized at home--particularly when I'm living alone--would be easier. . . .

I've been thinking a lot lately about a change in jobs. Despite the fact that I genuinely enjoy what I do at work, I am underpaid and have no real hope of financial advancement: my workplace does not even have a "ladder" system or merit raises. We get a nominal "cost of living adjustment" (which doesn't keep pace with the actual increase in the cost of living) *if* the local government officials approve it.

I do love being a prosecutor. I find criminal law very interesting, and I like having a job as a lawyer that benefits the public, rather than just being a "gun for hire." At the same time, I am cognizant of the fact that my choice in job is limiting the other choices I can make in the rest of my life. . . . for example, I will never be able to afford to buy my own home at my current job & salary. Single parenthood, which is something I might otherwise consider, would be fiscally irresponsible at best. Even if I didn't care about owning a home or being a mom, my salary barely allows me to meet my financial obligations every month; I have no emergency fund, no way to save, and no extra $$ to spend on anything fun.

Something's gotta give. When I'd planned to marry SL, we had often discussed the fact of my low salary and that I could be making more $$ elsewhere. SL always said he would focus on getting increasingly higher-paying jobs so that I could continue to do the job I enjoy, and he was making good on that promise. Even if he'd only stayed at the same salary as me, that was still double the money to run a household, so things would not have been out of reach for us.

Now there is no "us"--just me--and that may be the case for the foreseeable future, and I have to plan accordingly.

There are three primary things that hold me back from looking for a better-paid position: first, the fact that I really enjoy what I do; second, my (natural) fear of changing to a new area of law; and third, that a new job might mean that I have to relocate. I really like the city in which I live, and I have been here for over six years. . . . the longest I have lived in any one place since college.

Oh well. Reality often dictates that we make choices which might not always be our preferred course of action, were circumstances different.

Looking forward to seeing some friends and having a fun weekend. . . .

Successful weigh-in

223.2 (official Jenny Craig weight)
220.8 (on my home scale this morning)

Woo Hoo! Just had to share that I had an official loss this week of 3.0 lbs. That puts me at a total of 11.4 lbs down after 4 weeks on Jenny Craig.

I am pretty satisfied with the program. Aside from the one-on-one weekly consultations and their pre-packaged foods, it's really much like any other weight loss program I've tried. The "secrets" to success are portion control, eating more vegetables & less fat, drinking water, eating at a regular intervals, and getting in at least a little exercise. Not rocket science. :-)

As I told my consultant this evening. . . the real question for me is not "can I lose weight?" I know I can lose a certain amount of weight following any diet plan. Just off the top of my head, I can recall four separate occasions in my adult life when I have lost a significant amount of weight (i.e., at least 30 lbs) through dieting & exercise: twice on Weight Watchers, once on Jenny Craig, and once following the Body for Life plan.

No, my real questions are: "Can I continue to lose weight and get to a goal weight?" and "Can I maintain the weight I've lost long-term once I've lost it?" Those are MY real challenges, no matter what program I use to get the weight off. Each time I have lost weight, I have stopped short of reaching a weight within the healthy range for me; each time, I have regained the lost weight within 1-2 years, usually packing on extra pounds besides.

I think the real psychological issues I have related to my weight start to really surface and thwart my progress the closer I get to my goal. Once I get into the 170's and 160's (and below), that's when I'm really going to have to do the hard work; the mental work that it takes for lasting weight loss and maintenance.

For now, I am content to be making progress toward my goal. 11.4 lbs lost in 4 weeks is not too shabby. :-)

All dressed up and no place to go

222.2 (unofficial)

Today I was wondering--and not for the first time--why it is so easy and quick to gain weight and so slow and difficult to lose weight. Evolution & genetics, I guess. It sure stinks, though.

Looking back over the past six days as I start thinking about my weekly weigh-in tomorrow evening, I think I've had a fairly good week. I haven't gotten in quite as much exercise as the three previous weeks, and there have been a couple of times I have probably eaten a little bit more when dining out than I should've. Over all, though, I feel confident I will see a loss at tomorrow night's weigh-in. We'll see.

I was slated to start a two-week homicide trial tomorrow (second-chairing with a more experienced prosecutor in our office), but late this afternoon, the trial was delayed. The judge ruled in our favor on a novel question of law, then granted the defendant's attorneys' request to stay the proceedings so that they can appeal to the court of appeals on that issue.

I feel kind-of let down! All last week, I was working on a lot of stuff in my office, trying to clear all my pressing matters so that I could focus on this trial for the next two weeks. Now the case will not be proceeding to trial for at least another 3-4 months; it'll take that long at least for the appeals court to decide the issue. Ah well. One thing I can say about my job: there is never a shortage of work I can be doing.

An odd thought briefly crossed my mind when I realized the trial was going to be delayed for a few months: God willing, by the time this case goes forward, I will be wearing different suits than I'm wearing now because I will have gone down a dress size or two! :-)

I had a happy moment at work today. I am prosecuting two defendants as accomplices in auto theft case. It is clear to me that one of the defendants is more culpable than the other; unfortunately, I have more evidence (& therefore a stronger case) against the less culpable defendant. Because the worse defendant also has a long criminal history, I have been trying for months to get the other defendant to testify against him. (The two used to be girlfriend/boyfriend.)

Previously when I have approached defendant #2 through her attorney about testifying, she has declined, citing fear of the defendant and no incentive for her. . . though I offered to allow her to plead to a greatly reduced charge in exchange for her truthful testimony. This morning I got a call from defendant #2's attorney letting me know that she has decided now that she will testify against her (ex-)boyfriend!

I'm psyched because I know he is the real "player" in their scheme, though he has been careful to cover his tracks and lay blame on her. He is a "deserving defendant," and it is satisfying to know that now I'll be able to find out the real story behind this crime and present that to a jury at his trial. Just knowing the jurors got to hear all about his involvement will be satisfying, regardless of the verdict. . . . but obviously I am optimistic that her testimony will improve my case against him.

In addition to allowing me to get more stuff done in the office this week, the fact that the trial went away (for the moment) means that I will be less stressed in the evenings and able to go out to lunch, too. Today I had lunch with M, a co-worker with whom I am becoming friends, and that was fun; her husband is going to be out of town starting Thursday, so she suggested we hang out on Thursday or Friday night. Another friend, M from law school, suggested dinner one night this week, as his wife is away on a business trip. Other friends are planning an outing to a baseball game on Friday night, and Saturday I am going to visit my friend K about 100 miles away to go to a party a mutual friend is hosting. So it should be a social week.

I gotta love my best friend K. I was telling her last night on the phone about how I had set a new goal for myself to be more social, and to that end, had gone to happy hour on Friday and to that party on Saturday. It came up that I'd gone to happy hour straight from work, dressed down (casual Friday), with no makeup and hair pulled back in a low ponytail. She kindly pointed out that if I am hoping for men to notice and perhaps approach me, maybe giving a little more care to my appearance would further that cause. LOL I know she's right. It just makes me laugh because she has been trying to get me to wear makeup all the years we've known each other; this just gives her another incentive to offer me.

Not much else to tell. I am aiming for a picture-perfect Jenny Craig day tomorrow to finish off my good week.

Out and about

221.4 (unofficial)

I am trying to be more social and spend more time with groups of people, rather than just sitting at home or hanging out with only my friends. To that end, I went out the last two nights. Friday night I went to happy hour after work; last night I went to a local charity event with a couple of women I know from work (people I like, but am not yet "friends" with).

It was fun to get out and around. It made me think about how little of this type of socializing I've been doing since living with SL. He never felt very comfortable being in groups of people, so most of the things we did were either alone or just with a few close friends.

I actually drank a little each night, too; I had 3 beers on Friday night and 3 rum & diet Cokes last night, I don't know how good that is for my weight loss goals--probably not very--but that's another thing I had stopped doing while with SL: drinking alcohol. I guess seeing him under the influence all the time had pretty much turned me off the idea of drinking.

It may be a little soon for me to be feeling this way, but I have developed a romantic interest in someone. This man is someone I have known professionally and socially since shortly before I passed the bar and became a lawyer (roughly 2 1/2 years). I had never thought of him in a "would I want to date him?" way until recently. . . . probably because I have been in a relationship with SL almost the entire time I've known him.

Anyway, we had lunch the last week of April at my suggestion because I wanted to talk to him about two cases. We ended up talking about the cases for about 10 minutes during an hour-and-a-half long lunch. I can honestly say that I had the best time on that lunch that I've had talking with a man in a long time. . . . though even then, I had not really had romantic thoughts about him, just thinking of him as a fun friend.

Friday night he came to happy hour, and we hung out together for a little over two hours. More good conversation. *That* is when my crush started developing. . . .

Well, even if my interest is shared. . . . which is by no means a given. . . . I still don't know if anything will come of this, for a variety of reasons. It's fun, though, to have a crush on someone! And it's reassuring because I wasn't sure if I'd ever be interested in any man in that way again. (I should've known that life would go on in every area. LOL)

I'm off to take Sebastian to the dog park; we are meeting friends there for a dog play date. LOL He has just nosed the door handle to indicate that he is ready for a walk, so I'm sure he'll enjoy it!

"Sabotage" is such a strong word

224.8 (unofficial this morning)

226.0 (last night's Jenny Craig weigh-in)

By some miracle, I'd actually lost 0.2 lbs at last night's weigh-in. I say "by some miracle" because my weekend was definitely not JC compliant. My dad and stepmom were visiting and in full vacation mode eating-wise.

My JC consultant said sabotage by family & friends is actually quite common, and that they often don't even realize they're doing it. I remember hearing this at Weight Watchers as well.

It's funny: ever since I was an adolescent, my father has harped on my weight. He actually said to me once when I was about 13 "do you want to grow up to be a fat slob like your mother?" During my first year of law school, he sat me down and told me, in all seriousness, that I would find more men attracted to me if I lost about 50 lbs. I politely responded that this was something I, too, had considered, but that I found it difficult to motivate myself to lose weight solely on the proposition that I'd have more dates if I did.

I mentioned to him when they arrived Friday that I had started on Jenny Craig and that I have been focusing on eating better and exercising since my break-up with SL. He told me he was proud and to "keep it up". . . . and then proceeded to shove food at me all weekend.

A few examples: we had dinner at Chili's the evening they arrived. Shouldn't have been a problem; there are plenty of healthful options at Chili's. BUT they had ordered a deep-fried appetizer before I arrived and insisted I "share" it with them. . . even going so far as to put items on a plate and push it in front of me. They also ordered desserts at Chili's and tried to make me feel bad when I declined to share with them.

On Sunday, my father was determined to get dessert at Coldstone Creamery. When I said I would be happy to take them there, but didn't plan to have any ice cream myself, my stepmom said "Well, we can't go if you aren't going to have ice cream, too." My dad then criticized me for ordering the small-sized ice cream--"the large is only 60 cents more, you should've gotten that." They both insisted on pizza for dinner and were quite put-out when I said I'd just eat something else--"we won't order a pizza if you're not going to it eat, too."

Oy vey. I love my parents, and it was very good to see them. On the weight loss front, though, it is a good thing they live out of town and don't visit often.

My poor dog has been sick the past couple of days. His first symptom was loss of appetite; then yesterday and early this morning he vomited a few times. He's also been very subdued and seems really tired. I called the vet this morning, and the tech with whom I spoke seemed to think there wasn't anything to worry about and that this should run its course in 24 hours or so. I've been worried about my boy! Aside from two eye infections and one nasty ear infection--the most recent of these being almost three years ago--he has never been sick a day in the nearly five years I've had him.

He is sleeping soundly on the armchair right now, and it's not even 6:30 pm! Normally he would be demanding petting or a walk, or at least be chewing one his Nylabones. He ate a little bit of plain pasta & cottage cheese this evening (vet-recommended) and has kept that done for over an hour. . . so I hope this means he is getting better.

I had lunch today with my friend L from law school. It was really good to talk with her; we hadn't seen each other since my bridal shower. Of course, she knew about my break-up with SL, and she was very kind and didn't ask any questions about it, except "are you doing OK?" She is one of those people that I have always really liked since the first time we've met; we've never been super-close, but I'm glad that I still get to hang out with her from time to time, now that we no longer work together (as we did for three years).

Not much else to report. Work has been busy this week. I have 19 cases set for trial between now and the end of August. I'd like to actually try only about 10 of those, so we'll see what'll happen to the other 9. :)

Onward and downward

223.8 (unofficial this morning)

226.2 (last night's JC weigh in)

I'm feeling very good about my weight loss & exercise these past couple of weeks. Despite the fact that I have had a higher-than-usual stress level, what with my move and dealing with the emotions following my break up w/SL, I have successfully stuck with the JC program and have lose 8.4 lbs so far. I've noticed my (size 18!) clothes feeling looser, and a couple of coworkers have noticed my weight loss. I'm in a very positive state of mind, in this area of my life at least.

I think I am coping with my break up quite well. . . no longer crying daily, able to concentrate at work again, able to calmly answer the (many) questions from acquaintances about the break up. At the same time, I still miss SL often and am quite sad about the way things ended when I stop and think about it. I've never been one to bury my feelings, so I do think about him and our relationship at least a few times a day; nights and mornings are the hardest because it's just Sebastian & me in the house.

He & I park in the same parking garage, and I saw him at his car as I was driving out yesterday. I had the urge to roll down my window and say hi or at least honk my horn. . . but I let it go. I know I cannot be with him, so there is no useful purpose to be served by forcing us to interact. Maybe in several months, when/if my feelings for him have waned, we'll be able to be friends. Right now, it's too hard for me because, despite everything, I still love him.

Anyway. . . I know that what I am feeling is normal. I would actually be pretty concerned about myself if I had planned to marry this man and could easily put my feelings for him aside a mere month after our break up. I never doubted that I loved SL--just whether a marriage between us could work--but if I'd had any doubt of my feelings, the depth of my emotions now, a full month after our break up, would've confirmed for me that I truly loved him.

It's a really hard thing to realize that love is not enough to fix some problems. Contrary to what we hear from poets, songwriters, and Hollywood scripts, love does NOT conquer all. I'll survive this, though.

I'm trying to focus on the good things about being single again. One of those, obviously, is that it is lots easier to stick to a diet & exercise plan when you're only thinking of yourself. Another is that I get to watch all the chick flicks and Friends episodes I want in the evenings. I've been taking full advantage of that: I watched Sense & Sensibility last night, along with three of my favorite Friends episodes. I'm also making an effort to spend time with friends. Not that I ever neglected my friendships when I was with SL--he was OK with time apart, and I've never been that girl--but obviously being in a serious romantic relationship takes up a fair chunk of your time.

Little things are important to focus on, too. I get to keep the thermostat where I want it. I don't have to see or smell smokeless tobacco (SL used Copenhagen--yuck!). I can take up the entire bed.

My dad and stepmom are arriving Friday afternoon/evening to visit for the weekend. I'm going out for sushi tomorrow night, so I need to get the guest room ready for them tonight: wash their new sheets and towels, make the bed, and dust my very dusty bedroom furniture. I've given up on being completely unpacked by the time they arrive. . . not gonna happen.

Mmmm. . . . brownie

224.6 (unofficial)

I know some people say that you shouldn't weigh yourself daily, particularly when you are trying to lose weight. I, for one, don't think it's a terrible thing to do, so long as you don't let a change on the scale freak you out. I look on daily weigh-ins as information gathering.

That said, I have been weighing myself daily since starting Jenny Craig on 4/10. Some days the scale hasn't changed much; once or twice it's been up a bit from the day before. Totally normal. I was pretty psyched about the weight I saw this morning, so I had to share it.

I am very glad that the scale is now moving down instead of up. How sad, though, that I am actually happy to see 224.6 on my scale! Considering I started Weight Watchers at 212.2 in January 2003 (and at 179 in January 1992, if you want to go back that far), it's pretty disgusting that I am happy to be back in the 220's. . . but I AM happy about it! :)

I had a very lazy day today. I slept in until almost 10:30, then read for the next four hours. (One book, cover to cover.) I finally hopped in the shower around 3:00, ran a couple of errands, then went to a BBQ at my friend/coworker V's house. I enjoyed the BBQ, though many of the guests were leaving by the time I arrived. Once I returned home, I chatted on the phone with a couple of friends, then spent over an hour editing and uploading the photos from my stepdad's memorial service.

The main thing I needed to do this weekend--unpack!--I haven't done at all. . . yet. There is still tomorrow, and I am optimistic about getting the kitchen, my bathroom, and a good chunk of the den unpacked. I know if I buckle down and get to it, it will probably take less than two hours. I just need to exercise some self-discipline. I also need to get the guest room ready, as my dad & stepmom are coming to visit on Friday. I bought them nice, crisp white sheets & towels yesterday. Just need to pop those babies in the wash, make the bed, and spruce up their bathroom a bit; it's not really in need of a cleaning because I don't use it.

I also plan to go for a 45-60 minute walk tomorrow morning. Poor Sebastian got no walk today due to my laziness, so I intend to make it up to him tomorrow. Not to mention I need the exercise. I ate a brownie at the BBQ; that was definitely NOT on my eating plan for today.

No trial this coming week. . . but I do need to put my nose to the grindstone and get some things done. I would be going in to the office tomorrow, but for the fact that the power in our building is going to be off all day. I can't get much accomplished there without lights and the computer! I'll just have to go in a little earlier and be more focused this week.

Loss: good at the scale, not with the jury

229.2 (at Jenny Craig centre)

I had my end-of-first-week weigh in tonight, and lost 5.4 lbs! I was very pleased with that. I know from my (vast) prior dieting experience that this rate of weight loss will not continue and that it is likely mostly water weight, but it is still encouraging to see a big loss on the scale.

My consultant took my measurements tonight (skipped last week due to time constraints), and I have a plan for this week. I am going to be eating dinner out tomorrow & Thursday, as well as a couple of lunches out and a barbeque on Saturday, so this week will be more of a true test of my resolve. This past week I just stuck to my pre-planned Jenny Craig menu: simple enough, just don't eat anything that isn't on the list. And I never allowed myself to be tempted by anything else.

I was proud to note, too, looking back on my log for the week, that I got at least a 15-minute walk in every day but one last week. I am getting into a good routine with walking Sebastian in the mornings now; I have taken him 3 of the last 4 mornings. I only take him for 15 minutes, but I actually see quite an improvement in his behavior & disposition, even with that small amount of exercise. I am also going for walks at lunch when I can.

Just started my trial at 1:30 today, and we are almost finished. Defense counsel and I will stipulate to some evidence tomorrow in lieu of testimony; the defendant will take the stand; and then we'll give closing arguments and give the jury the case. He is offering an interesting defense, and I am looking forward to the challenge of my cross-exam.

Not much else going on here. K pointed out that if I unpack two boxes per day, I'd been done in less than 2 weeks. So I am taking her suggestion and am determined to get through at least two boxes tonight. I'd better get to it!

Complete change of scenery

Another Monday. I moved on Friday, then returned to the old apartment Saturday to clear out the few things left there and clean up. Over 8 hours of work Friday and 4 hours Saturday, and I no longer live in the apartment SL & I shared for a year and a half.

I got a little teary after turning in the keys. My new place is much larger, and much nicer--a house instead of an apartment--and I know I am making a change for the better. I've got to get on with my life without SL in it. It's just hard. I actually missed him quite a bit on Sunday. Aside from the drinking, we had quite a good relationship. And obviously I have not stopped loving him after just 3 short weeks.

Sebastian is gradually adjusting to the new place. He loves the large backyard. . . though he is reluctant to go out there alone for very long. He generally stands or lies in front of the sliding glass door looking out. If I leave that back door open, he will go out in the yard for a while, then run back in to check where I am. There is an aquarium here, and he loves looking at the fish. Too funny.

I have a trial tomorrow! Short case, probably take only a day and a half, simple possession of cocaine. Shouldn't even really be going to trial, IMHO, but whateva. That's what I get paid to do.

Jenny Craig program is going well. My biggest problem following the plan this first week was the move: it made it hard for me to eat every 3-4 hours as I'm supposed to. I have been a little hungry at times, but not unbearably so. I have gotten a little bit of exercise in, too, this week; I'm quite proud of how I've done, actually. Shows me that "I've still got it." Honestly, losing weight has never been the problem for me. My problem is sticking with it, not losing motivation, and making a permanent change. Oh yeah, and keeping off the weight I lose.

I walked a 5K yesterday for the local Race for the Cure. It was good. It really brought home to me, though, how out of shape I am. I used to knock out a 5K distance 3 times a week, no sweat; now it was a bit of a challenge. My feet were killing me by the end. But I finished it! And even walked about a mile back to the car afterwards. It helped that I had a much thinner, younger, more fit friend along to shame me into continuing. LOL

Gotta take a last look at my case file before tomorrow's trial. I'll post again after tomorrow night's weigh in.

Fun movie post!

I've written nothing but heavy posts for a while, so when I saw this on snackiepoo's blog, I just had to rip it off. Plus, I love movies!

THE MOVIE MEME

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times. Top Gun, Princess Bride, Grease, Clueless, Sixteen Candles, Star Wars, Jerry Maguire

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater. Silence of the Lambs

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie. Matthew McConaughey (or Reese Witherspoon, if we're including actresses)

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie. Matt Damon or Penelope Cruz

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from. Clueless, Napoleon Dynamite, The Big Lebowski, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club

6. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs. The Sound of Music, Grease

7. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with. Oklahoma

8. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see. Crash.

9. Name a movie that you own. Clueless, Jerry Maguire

10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops. "Marky Mark" Walberg

11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what? Yes, Splash, when I was 11.

12. Ever made out in a movie? Yes. . . but not for years & years

13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it. The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

14. Ever walked out of a movie? Yes, two: Ernest, Scared Stupid and Rushmore

15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater. Titanic. . .and I am NOT a crier!

16. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater? 300

17. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie? Either a psychological thriller or a "chick flick" (romantic comedy), depending on my mood.

18. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater? Born Free

19. What movie do you wish you had never seen? Seven

20. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed? Pan's Labyrinth

21. What is the scariest movie you've seen? Jaws, because I saw it when I was 7 and had nightmares for weeks, or Silence of the Lambs.

22. What is the funniest movie you've seen? I could never pick just one! A few that spring to mind are Airplane!, History of the World Part I, Team America: World Police, The 40-year Old Virgin.

Day One of Jenny Craig

234.6 (ugh!)

The weight above is my official J.C. starting weight. Awful! According to their chart, I should weigh between 112 and 142 for my height (5'4.5"), which means I am at least 92.6 lbs overweight. When I said I only needed to gain a little more weight to qualify for gastric bypass surgery, I wasn't far off the mark.

You have an option of choosing the "Jenny cuisine" you want and can also eat out, following program guidelines. For this week, though, I decided to do a pre-planned menu. For the first 2-3 weeks, as I am trying to re-establish control of my eating, I don't want much flexibility. Plus, doing the pre-planned menu gives me a chance to try out some of the J.C. foods that I might not otherwise try.

I am on a 1200 calorie per day menu plan. . . the lowest calorie plan they have. I wasn't sure how that would work for me, but actually, so far today I have not been hungry, unless it was time to eat again. (I'm eating every 3 hours or so.) I'm also drinking lots of water--though I always do, I've stepped it up a little--and have had no caffeine.

At lunch, I went with some co-workers for a 30-minute walk. . . not terribly brisk, more of a moderate pace, because I didn't want to get sweaty. A group of us are going to be walking 3-4 days a week at a nearby convention center that opens its (air-conditioned) doors to walkers over the lunch hour. I plan to take the dog for another 15-20 minute walk this evening after work, too.

So I am off to a good start on the J.C. plan! I think it helps that my appetite has not been normal the last few weeks due to the stress of my break-up and Jim's death. Had I been eating my usual amounts, I think the 1200-calorie plan would've been a much greater shock to my system. . . I'm sure I generally eat probably twice, or even three times, that amount.

SL is coming by the apartment after work tonight to pick up the items he left behind and to clean his bathroom & the guest room. I am going to leave and go see the movie Blades of Glory with my friend A so that I can avoid seeing him. Not that we would fight or anything like that; it's just that I still find it painful to be around him. It's just easier for me to be out of his way.

I've had a little lingering headache all day. . . woke up with it early this morning, actually. I've been taking ibuprofen all day, but it's still lurking, just under the surface. I have not had a migraine in over two weeks--and this isn't a migraine, just a headache--so I hope this doesn't mean my migraines are coming back. So far, so good, with the ibuprofen, though: the pain has never gotten out of hand today, though it's never completely gone away.

Not much else to report. Work is eh. Trying to get some stuff done, but still not really feelin' it. :)

I don't wanna work

I'm back at work this morning after my trip to Ohio for Jim's memorial service. It was COLD the whole time we were there! The highest daytime temperature I saw was 36 degrees. There were also snow flurries off and on all weekend. The news said Ohio had a colder Easter than Christmas.

I thought the memorial service went well; my mom seemed pleased with the way things turned out. She appears to be coping pretty normally. She's tearful at times and says the house seems empty, but is doing OK otherwise.

It was good to see the relatives, despite the circumstances. My cousin-by-marriage has three children--aged 11, 6, and 7 months--and they provided quite a bit of amusement and entertainment. I love kids! I enjoyed spending time with my mom & sister, too.

Today has been a Monday in every sense of the word. I am tired, dehydrated, cranky, and overwhelmed by all the things that have accumulated on my desk and in my inbox during my *2* day absence from work! I'm kicking around the idea of going home early; I just don't think I'm mentally/emotionally prepared to sort out this mess today. Everything will still be here tomorrow, and maybe I will be in a better frame of mind then.

I've made arrangements to move on Friday. K is coming down to help me, and I've rented a truck. I think a change of scene will be good, and the house I am going to be renting is so cute. I'm going to start walking the dog around the neighborhood as soon as I move in so I can establish a good habit/routine at the new place.

I'm still joining Jenny Craig tomorrow evening, too. I'm actually looking forward to taking control of my eating and my weight again. So many things in my life are outside my control. I fondly remember how good it felt to manage something that I *could* manage.

One day at a time. . .

When it rains. . . .

Sebastian & I were finally able to return home last night; SL moved to his new apartment yesterday. Predictably, he left some of his things--and a big mess--behind. But at least we are no longer living together.

In the midst of my personal crisis w/SL, I got a call from my mom early, early Saturday morning telling me that my stepdad had passed away. He had been in the hospital with pneumonia since March 20th and has been in declining health for the last few years, so his death was not entirely unexpected, but sad nonetheless. My mom seems to be coping OK, though she says she feels "like there's a hole inside me." They were together for over 27 years; I was 9 years old the first time I met him.

The small silver lining in the black cloud that is my breakup with SL is that my trial calendar for this week and next has been kept clear for months. . . allowing me to fly to Ohio to be with my mom for my stepdad's memorial service this Saturday. My sister and I will be flying to Columbus from our respective homes Thursday and driving together to Mom's rural Ohio home. Honestly, had Jim passed away two or three weeks from now, I would have had a very difficult time arranging my schedule to be there for my mom. So one little good thing has come out of cancelling our wedding.

Mom was worried that I would be upset that she set the memorial service on the date that was supposed to be my wedding day. I'm not upset at all; it is my fervent hope that in two or three years, April 7th will have no significance in my life.

That's my current life in a nutshell. Work is the same as ever, busy, one thing after another. Having a lot to do at work has probably helped keep me sane over the past several days. My trial schedule in late April and May is quite full, and I even have a few trials set already in June and July. . . so I should continue to be busy at work. And I've made a conscious decision NOT to actively look for another job until at least Labor Day. (Not to say that I will scorn any good opportunities that come my way.) I want to take a few months just to adjust to my newly-single status.

When I return from Ohio, I'll only have another week or so in the apartment SL & I shared before I move to a house. The house, which belongs to my supervisor, is a very cute 2-bedroom, 2 bath with a den, yard, and 2-car garage several miles northwest of where I currently live. SL & I were supposed to move there together at the end of April, but despite that fact, I think it will be a good place for me to make a new start: totally unfamiliar part of town, different route to work, far from SL, and no associations with our relationship. My supervisor & I have worked out an arrangement where I am only paying her what I'd be paying for a one-bedroom apartment. It's to her advantage to have the house occupied by someone she trusts, and I am obviously reaping a huge benefit because she could get twice the rent on the open market.

I'm also joining Jenny Craig when I get back. Yes, I've blogged about this before, and about trying to lose weight in other ways, too, but this time I will follow through. I've already made the intake appointment for April 10th. My focus is going to be on myself again for the first time in a long time; I think that shift in focus will help me to do what I didn't/couldn't do while I was with SL. The change in neighborhood is also going to help me get out and walk the dog more, simply because the area is more conducive to that than where we currently live.

I am still sad, but I am hopeful that I will eventually feel better.

Breaking news: the wedding is off!

Wow, it's been ages since I wrote anything on here. I'm only writing today because I am getting all talked out, but still feel the need to get my feelings out.

SL & I broke up on Sunday. Our wedding was set for April 7th, so we called it off less than two weeks prior. I had actually just had my bridal shower the previous day (which, on a side note, was a wonderful day with lots of friends there). Never thought I'd do something like this, but I just couldn't go through with the wedding.

SL drinks. Sometimes a lot. More than the fact that he drinks to excess, I have been disturbed by the pattern of his drinking: seldom in social situations, usually alone; hiding or minimizing the amount that he drinks; rarely being able to stop at just one or two drinks; forbidding from even mentioning to his parents that he drinks. He has never been abusive or hateful when he drinks--just annoying, as any drunk person is to a sober person--and it has never affected his job. So he seems to think that makes his drinking OK. I couldn't disagree more.

His drinking has significantly affected our sex life, embarrassed me, disgusted me, and just generally made me extremely concerned about the future. My background as hospital nurse, my own experience with a previous alcoholic boyfriend, my friends' experiences, and my mom's experiences with her own alcoholic husband of 25+ years perhaps make me a little more aware of this issue than the average person. As I once told him calmly days after a fight, someone who chooses to use alcohol as his primary coping mechanism cannot be the kind of life partner I want. I'd rather have no husband at all than a husband who can't or won't support me in every way.

Though it wasn't obvious from the blog entry itself, I actually wrote about my concerns on this issue back on January 19th (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/01/its-been-while.html). We'd started seeing a couples counselor in November because of his drinking (though he would tell you it's because of my temper). After a drinking-related big blow-up in October, I gave SL an ultimatum: start counseling with me, or move out. I half-expected to end it then, but to my surprise, he was willing to go to counseling.

At the January 19th appointment--our third--I told the counselor I wanted to call off the wedding because SL had made little to no effort in counseling: continued to drink, hadn't gone to see a psychiatrist to regulate/evaluate his anti-anxiety meds (which he genuinely needs; no shame in that), hadn't gotten a substance abuse evaluation as the counselor had suggested.

At that point on January 19th, when he realized I was actually ready to walk out of his life, he finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist and a commitment not to drink for at least 30 days. To his credit, he followed through and did both; in fact, he didn't drink at all for 6 weeks. After 3 weeks of sobriety and two psychiatrist visits (with changes in medications), I had real hope that this issue was being resolved. I've never been 100% convinced that he has a true drinking problem, rather than just making poor choices in regard to alcohol. I went ahead and mailed the invitations to our wedding the following week.

However, on March 20th--the day before my birthday--he came home with a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka (think: Costco-sized with a handle). I have asked him before (a) not to bring liquor into the house at all, and (b) if he must, not to buy in bulk, and I called him on it. As per his usual, he said I was overreacting and pointed out that the big bottle was "on sale." He poured himself two drinks, after which I marked the bottle with a line at the alcohol level and the dat--right in front of him.

No drinking Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday, to my knowledge: each night we were out late, and I saw no signs in the mornings that he'd been drinking the night before. And after two years of putting up with his drinking, I've gotten pretty good at spotting those signs.

Saturday night was his bachelor party. The ironic thing is, he didn't even get drunk that night. . . though I'd told him before that, in my view, that was the one night when I would have found it acceptable for a man to get obliterated and would've said nothing. Instead, he was home by 11:30 with a slight buzz and nothing more.

Sunday morning/early afternoon, I went out and when I returned home around 2, I had a migraine. SL was solicitous: he brought me medicine, heated up a hot pack for my neck. I went to sleep for a couple of hours. It was when I woke up that the sh!t hit the fan.

Immediately I could tell that SL had been drinking. It was about 4:30 in the afternoon at this point. I should note that SL is a big guy--about 5'11", close to 300 lbs--with quite a tolerance, so for me to be able to tell he has been drinking. . . he has already had more than one or two. Know what I mean?

I asked him point-blank if he had been drinking. Yes. How much? Three or four drinks. Don't bullsh!t me, I said. How many STANDARD drinks have you had? (Yes, we are both lawyers, and he spent 18 months prosecuting DUIs. . . so he knows damn well what is meant by a "standard" drink.) "Only 3 or 4."

I went to the cupboard where I know he keeps his vodka and pulled out the bottle. That Costco-sized bottle now had about 3 shots left in it. In other words, he had consumed the better part of 1.5 liters of vodka!

I can't even describe my feelings when I saw this. Anger, sure. Hurt. Sick to my stomach. That feeling of "oh no, not again." For one brief moment, I thought "I'll just put this bottle back and say nothing." Because I knew if I called bullsh!t, it would be a fight. Maybe I even sensed what the outcome would be.

Well, by the title of this post, you've likely already guessed that I didn't put the bottle back and say nothing. I confronted him; things escalated to yelling. The usual from him: I need to lighten up, it's not a big deal, I need to control my temper. At one point, as I was standing less than a foot from him, screaming at him, he turned away & tried to ignore me; I punched him in the shoulder to get his attention.

That finally did get his attention, though not in the way I'd hoped. He looked at me, stunned & hurt, and said "you don't hit me." To which I replied that he was lucky I didn't belt him across the face to get his attention. . . or words to the effect. (No, I didn't state it that calmly, and profanity was definitely included.) No excuses for my behavior: it was wrong of me to resort to even a punch on the arm. No question about it.

This time, when I said, as I had so many times before, "if you're gonna keep this sh1t up, then we're done," he said "OK, then we're done." I have to admit that for a moment, I was stunned. . . only because I've said this to him probably 15-20 times over the last two years, and that has never been his response. He usually either says nothing or promises to quit drinking or at least cut back.

I left the house to cool off for an hour; when I returned, he'd gone to a party with a friend. (A going-away party for a couple we are friends with--the husband was to be his best man. We were supposed to have attended together.) I went to the party to say goodbye to our friends, then found SL by himself. Predictably, at that point, he had had even more to drink than during our prior confrontation.

I asked if he was sure this was what he wanted. "Absolutely." I told him that I was going to go home, call all my friends & family and tell them the wedding was off, and cancel what I could the next day. And he told me to go ahead.

So here we are. In a matter of days, I have gone from being an object of envy to an object of pity. The hardest part has been the mutual friends & acquaintances to whom I cannot tell the real reason for our break-up. My own friends and family have been super-supportive. I have been deeply touched to know the depth of their love for me, and though it doesn't make this any easier, it helps a little.

Monday I cancelled our chapel package, returned my wedding ring to the jewelry store, cancelled the tuxedos, and cancelled the private room at the restaurant for our reception. I left my engagement ring on his bathroom vanity. The one fortunate thing--if there is one, in this whole mess--is that we were getting married in Vegas. So even though it was now less than 2 weeks before our scheduled wedding date, I was still able to cancel some things and get some money back. I actually saved SL $1500+ of his money by making the calls I did on Monday.

He has already found a new apartment and is moving out on Sunday. I have been staying elsewhere in the interim to give him space to pack and to avoid contact with him. We have communicated a few times via email or text message when it's been necessary to work out logistics. Other than that, we've barely spoken 50 words to each other since Sunday.

Oh, and I should note: I overheard his call to his mother late Sunday night, letting her know that the wedding was off. He told her he broke up with me because I hit him in the face. When I first heard it, I was angry that he would lie. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought "what else was he going to do?" He certainly wouldn't have told her the truth. And frankly, at the end of day, what the hell do I care what his parents think of me? I will likely never see or speak to them again. They would've taken his side regardless. . . just as my parents and sister have taken mine.

At this point, I am just so sad that things turned out this way. In a way, I wish I had walked away in October, when I knew this was a definite, deal-breaking issue that was not going away on its own. But as my best friend says, at least now I will never wonder if things could've been worked out if I'd only been willing to put in more effort and go to counseling. Now I know, without a doubt, that his drinking would've continued to be an issue throughout our marriage. I probably would've ended up miserable.

The knowledge that I have done the right thing for me doesn't make this much easier, though. I still love SL, and I am mourning so many things. The loss of the relationship we had--which, despite his drinking, was 95% good--and the loss of all the plans we had made together. Our wedding itself, the life we'd hoped to have after we were married, the children we'd hoped to have. And he has been one of my closest friends for the past 2+ years.

I'm sad for him, too, because I believe in many ways that this break-up must be harder on him than on me. I am his first real girlfriend, so he has no prior experiences of a like nature to draw on for reference or for coping skills. I know that he has no one with whom he will talk about his feelings; he has often told me that I was the only person he'd ever opened up to. And he is still going to have to live with his own self-destructive behaviors when all is said and done.

Well, if you've gotten this far, I'm surprised & commend your attention. :) Though tears are streaming down my face as I finish this entry--and I am at the office!--I feel a little better for having put it all down in type.

Happy Valentine's Day

In honor of snackiepoo and Valentine's Day, I am posting one thing I love about myself today.

I love my ability to keep in touch with friends. I am very proud of the fact that I have several very long-term friendships that I have preserved despite multiple interstate moves and a career change.

There was a time in my life. . . when I was much younger. . . that I used to wish I had a lot of friends. Now I do! And I am so blessed.

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog anymore. . . but if anyone does, you can post one thing you love about me. :)