Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I've lost my mojo

221.4 (unofficial at home)
223.0 (JC weigh-in--big 0.2 lb loss)

I have no idea why, but I seem to have mostly lost my motivation to work on the whole weight loss thing. I have been in a general funk for the past few days, brought on by a variety of things. I think that, combined with an "off the wagon" weekend, is the primary reason I seem to have lost my weight loss mojo. . . . but who knows, there may be others. For me, motivation is a mysterious thing.

I actually felt bad for my Jenny Craig consultant tonight. She is a spunky, happy woman in her mid-to-late forties who retired after a career as a court reporter and now does this as her part-time job. She has been very enthusiastic and encouraging at each week's visit, and she was quite dismayed and taken aback by my attitude today. I sensed that she was also quite baffled at my somewhat sudden volte face.

Well, I went ahead and bought the food for the week, in hopes that my drive will return. In any event, I have to eat something. . . I might as well eat something healthier than I'll pick up on the drive home from work.

I haven't exercised much in the past week either. For a few weeks, I was doing quite well: getting up in the mornings to take the dog for a 15-minute walk before work, and going for a walk on my lunch hour 2-3 times a week for at least 30 minutes. I think I went on two lunchtime walks in the past week, and I have reverted to laziness and multiple "snoozes" in the mornings and have been skipping the poor dog's morning walks all together.

I can't precisely pinpoint why I feel the way I do about the whole weight loss thing. In my current frame of mind, it just seems pointless to be working so hard to lose weight. My feeling about the whole endeavor is "for what?" Being thinner won't make me happier; it won't change my life in any way, except for giving me more clothing options and perhaps making more attractive to men.

And even once the weight is lost, the battle isn't won. In order to maintain an "ideal weight," I'd have to continue to be vigilant about what I eat every day for the rest of my life. I just feel that I am not really up for all this, and that there are better things for me to be focusing on. . . . things that might actually affect a positive change on my life as a whole, inside of just primarily my appearance.

Though I didn't really think of it in those terms at the time, I broke things off with SL with the understanding that I was making a choice between him and being alone. At no time did I think "I need to get out of this relationship so that I can make room in my life for something/someone better." No; my only thought was "living alone would be preferable to living with his drinking for the rest of my life."

Because of that decision, I think that I am more resigned to the idea of being single for the rest of my life than I have ever been after a break-up. It's as if I approached the edge of a precipice, looked over to see what lay below, and realized I'd rather not make the jump because what was at the bottom didn't seem worth the risk to me. Because of this state of mind, one of my primary motivators for weight loss--the hope of attracting a man--is basically gone.

I will freely admit that I have always been inclined to get a bit fatalistic (& pessimistic) after a break-up. I've often uttered the words "I'm never going to get married." This time, though, I believe that this possibility is a distinct possibility. This is not me feeling sorry for myself; this is me accepting what is and bearing the consequences of my choices.

One change in my life that I believe would bring me greater happiness than weight loss would be a job change. Don't get me wrong: I love being a lawyer; I love being a prosecutor. What I *do* not love is the low pay and the constant worry about money that goes along with that low pay. My tastes are quite simple, and I am not at all a greedy person. Having said that, though, it would be nice to earn enough $$ to not empty my checking account before every paycheck, have some savings for retirement and for emergencies, and be able to pursue at least one or two hobbies.

I've put the word out among my lawyer friends that I am looking in earnest for a new job. I have had a couple of leads from friends so far, though neither was precisely what I'm looking for. Several other friends have offered to keep their eyes & ears open and let me know when/if opportunities are available. I am resigned to the fact that finding the right position--something that will be interesting enough not to bore me, but not so intensive that I'll be stressed out--at the right salary (no less than $15-20K more a year than I make currently) may take several months. My current hope is to be in a new job by the end of the year.

Reading back on this entry and the more I think about it, I should at least get back to walking Sebastian in the mornings. There's no reason why the best Golden Retriever in the world should be short-changed just because his owner is a lazy sack. ;-)


Unknown said...

I found you through Hilly a week or so ago and have been reading every entry. Even though we are different in a lot of ways I feel a kinship to you and just wanted to tell you I understand completely the whole weight thing. Don't be so hard on yourself - you will be going through many stages of the breakup process and you'll know when (and if) you are ready to delve into losing weight. For what its worth I did not get married until I was 36 and had my first child at 39 and the second at 40. I am 42 now and waiting until I met the right man was so worth it. I honestly believed I would be single and was pursuing donor sperm to conceive when I met my husband. Anyway if you want to e-mail me and chat that would be fine. Otherwise just know I am thinking of you and understand some of your feelings.

Lisa O

S said...

Lisa, thanks for your comment. It gives me some comfort to know that someone else understands my feelings. :-)