Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Onward and downward

223.8 (unofficial this morning)
226.2 (last night's JC weigh in)
I'm feeling very good about my weight loss & exercise these past couple of weeks. Despite the fact that I have had a higher-than-usual stress level, what with my move and dealing with the emotions following my break up w/SL, I have successfully stuck with the JC program and have lose 8.4 lbs so far. I've noticed my (size 18!) clothes feeling looser, and a couple of coworkers have noticed my weight loss. I'm in a very positive state of mind, in this area of my life at least.
I think I am coping with my break up quite well. . . no longer crying daily, able to concentrate at work again, able to calmly answer the (many) questions from acquaintances about the break up. At the same time, I still miss SL often and am quite sad about the way things ended when I stop and think about it. I've never been one to bury my feelings, so I do think about him and our relationship at least a few times a day; nights and mornings are the hardest because it's just Sebastian & me in the house.
He & I park in the same parking garage, and I saw him at his car as I was driving out yesterday. I had the urge to roll down my window and say hi or at least honk my horn. . . but I let it go. I know I cannot be with him, so there is no useful purpose to be served by forcing us to interact. Maybe in several months, when/if my feelings for him have waned, we'll be able to be friends. Right now, it's too hard for me because, despite everything, I still love him.
Anyway. . . I know that what I am feeling is normal. I would actually be pretty concerned about myself if I had planned to marry this man and could easily put my feelings for him aside a mere month after our break up. I never doubted that I loved SL--just whether a marriage between us could work--but if I'd had any doubt of my feelings, the depth of my emotions now, a full month after our break up, would've confirmed for me that I truly loved him.
It's a really hard thing to realize that love is not enough to fix some problems. Contrary to what we hear from poets, songwriters, and Hollywood scripts, love does NOT conquer all. I'll survive this, though.
I'm trying to focus on the good things about being single again. One of those, obviously, is that it is lots easier to stick to a diet & exercise plan when you're only thinking of yourself. Another is that I get to watch all the chick flicks and Friends episodes I want in the evenings. I've been taking full advantage of that: I watched Sense & Sensibility last night, along with three of my favorite Friends episodes. I'm also making an effort to spend time with friends. Not that I ever neglected my friendships when I was with SL--he was OK with time apart, and I've never been that girl--but obviously being in a serious romantic relationship takes up a fair chunk of your time.
Little things are important to focus on, too. I get to keep the thermostat where I want it. I don't have to see or smell smokeless tobacco (SL used Copenhagen--yuck!). I can take up the entire bed.
My dad and stepmom are arriving Friday afternoon/evening to visit for the weekend. I'm going out for sushi tomorrow night, so I need to get the guest room ready for them tonight: wash their new sheets and towels, make the bed, and dust my very dusty bedroom furniture. I've given up on being completely unpacked by the time they arrive. . . not gonna happen.