Friday, July 17, 2009

Feeling down


I have had a couple of days of feeling pretty low. Usually I can snap myself out of these moods within a few hours or so by reflecting upon all the good things in my life (which are many). These past two days, though, that hasn't been working. So I thought that perhaps writing down all the reasons life's got me down this week might help me break out of my funk.

**My right forearm. I posted photos of the bruising to my arm as a result of Hunter's bite, but I haven't really written anything more about it. The bruising and swelling are 90% resolved, but something is wrong with my arm. I cannot extend it fully now without pain, and I have a hard, painful lump under the skin a couple of inches from the bend of my arm, as well as some smaller lumps in the area. I am beginning to think that I have a muscle or tendon tear of some type, and I am afraid that I am going to need surgery to fix it. (It has been two weeks and it certainly isn't getting better on its own.)

I have pain in the area with the lumps, particularly with certain movements, and often a feeling of tightness and/or pulling there also. Given that I am very right-hand-dominant, this has adversely affected my daily life.

I have an appointment with my PCP at 1:00 today. Not sure what he can do for something like this, but I'm hoping that he can at least get the ball rolling by ordering some tests and referring me to a specialist if intervention is needed.

I have never had any kind of surgery in my life and have never had general anesthesia. When you consider that fact along with my prior career as a hospital nurse and my current career as a medical malpractice attorney, I think it's easy to see why the thought of any type of surgery scares the sh1t out of me.

**Money. I earn a decent salary and usually have a fair amount of discretionary income. . . . at least in comparison to other times in my life. For the past two years, that has meant that I can take the occasional trip without going into debt, buy clothes when I need them, eat out when I want, and get massages, pedicures, and the like. Since July 3, I have spent nearly $1000 of my own money on Hunter-related expenses. (The total would be $1300, but $300 came out of our joint account.) And with today's doctor's appointment and the uncertainty about what will be necessary to fix whatever is wrong with my arm, that total is only going to increase.

I am thankful that I at least have the money to spend, but spending it has left me pretty tapped out for spending money for the next couple of months. In my current job over the past nearly-two years, I have grown used to not really worrying a lot about money and being able to spend within reason. I don't like this feeling of being strapped for cash. I have been trying to pay off the little bit of credit card debt that I have and save. These unexpected expenses are not helping.

**My weight and out-of-control, less-than-healthful eating. (Though the scale is inexplicably lower this morning, despite eating all three meals out yesterday. Weird.)

**Work. Lord knows, in this economy, I am happy just to have a job (and one that pays me a decent salary; see above). But having said that, I have been working on nothing but the most boring crap of late! Civil practice is fairly dry in general--the majority of most days is spent reading, writing, and, well, thinking--but I haven't even been to a deposition in two weeks. Plus I have had two ongoing research projects which are BORING AS HELL, and I am thoroughly sick of them. I am trying to write a motion in another case and have hit a major writer's block. . . . which is not helped by the fact that there is no real deadline for the motion. I am tired of sitting alone in my office and really missing my days as a prosecutor.

**Hunter. As I am writing this post, MM called to let me know the results of his follow-up vet visit, and the news is not good. Apparently the poor lamb has no feeling whatsoever in his tail. This problem was one of the potential complications of his tail fracture. He has another visit in two weeks, and if his sensation isn't returned, he will have to have his tail amputated. Otherwise gangrene could set in and be potentially life-threatening.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry things are rough right now. I'll be thinking about you. :o)

The GVZs said...

Just reading the last several posts now. My god, your arm! You poor, poor, poor thing. It looks incredibly painful and I am so sorry to hear that it is more than a bruise. You are an exceptional person for doing what you are doing for Hunter. Many people would not stick by him this way. I am sending all my good thoughts your way--hope things turn around really soon.

K said...

Sometimes, words just aren't enough. I've certainly had those types of days, and it's not easy. Many hugs to you, S. How did your visit to the PCP go? What was the prognosis? And Hunter - poor guy.....

Rona said...

I'm sorry about your arm and Hunter...hopefully the doc will be able to fix whatever is wrong without surgery...

The H's said...

What a crappy turn of events. I had an enduring miserable funk a few years ago when Ling died. It sucks to have things beyond your contol limit your happiness. I hope things look up soon.

TUWABVB said...

Just hopping back on the internet to some of my favorite blogs after a long move-related blackout. I'm so sorry to hear that you are so down in the dumps. I wish I could do something to make you feel less blah, but as I know (because I've felt this way before), it has to run its course. You want start feeling better until some of the causes get resolved.

I totally understand what you mean about civil practice. It is essentially boring. I remember when I first met my husband, he saw me working a few times and said, "Wait - is this all you do all day, read, and write?" UGH - it's true and it sucks!

I'm sorry about the news about Hunter. I love that he has the two of you and I know that he appreicates everything...even if he doesn't let you know. We spent over $1600 on Murphy in the few days before he died and it's frustrating. In fact, I have to head to the vet tomorrow for Riley and there is a good chance she won't come home with me either. They give us a lot of love and while they don't ask for anything in return, the vet sure does! :)

I'm thinking of you and sending love your way.