Humdrum

218.0

Lately I am feeling like I am just living each day. I don't mean that statement in the positive, Zen way in which it might be interpreted (though I believe that there is certainly something to be said for living in the present and enjoying each moment.)

I mean that I am not taking a global view of my life or working toward any medium- or long-term goals. I just get up each morning and do what I must do to get through that day: go to work, eat, sleep, walk dogs, hygiene, etc. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. Humdrum.

This is not to say that I don't enjoy most aspects of my life. To the contrary; I am quite content. I am happy in my marriage. I love my dogs. I have great friends and family and am getting along fine with all of them and seeing as much of them as is reasonably possible, given everyone's schedules, distance and finances. I have lots of "me" time, and I have been making an effort to relax and read more in the evenings, once my "to be read" pile grew to over 15 books shortly after Christmas.

Work is the same as ever: some aspects are interesting, some less so. I still don't love billable hours, but I have realized that they are a necessary evil of my current position. I recognize and acknowledge the many positive aspects of my present job, and I know that, given the state of the economy and the job market, now is not the time for me to be looking to change jobs, even if I were that frustrated at work (which I'm not, most days).

I just feel ineffectual and directionless. To an objective outside observer, I would think my life looks pretty good. And no doubt, some third party would probably tell me that I have accomplished plenty in my life. From my perspective, though, I am the same fat, out-of-shape, disorganized person I was when I started this blog over four years ago. . . . honestly, I have been that same person for much, much longer.

I am OK with being in a somewhat stagnant place at work for the moment. I anticipate I will make a job change again at some point when the job outlook is better. I have some ideas about that but am totally aware that now is not the time. Looking at things from a broader perspective, I am even OK with being a somewhat mediocre lawyer. I still prefer it to my previous career.

But my acceptance of the current state of affairs with my career shouldn't mean that I have no goals on which I can focus. Quite the opposite. In fact, remaining in my same position while not having to learn a new one, and not job-searching, should free me up to focus more on other things. . . . things like exercising more, eating right, getting more organized at home, writing the novel I've often talked about and never started. Instead, I find myself as stagnant in my non-work life as I am at the office.

I am at a loss about what will shake me out of my complacency. I've tried baby steps. I've made attempts at a slow return to exercise a few times already this year. I am gung ho for a few days and then peter out. I start out most days with a healthy breakfast and a plan. Some days I actually stick to the plan, but as many days, I don't. I've tried doing "just 15 minutes" of cleaning and decluttering, and while it has kept the house from falling into complete chaos (along with MM's more regular cleaning routine), I have not made much progress.

Perhaps I need therapy? A cattle prod? To hire a "life coach"? I don't know.

The scale lies

218.2

I was totally perplexed by the number I saw on the scale this morning. I was out of town all weekend, so today is the first time I'd weighed myself since Thursday morning, when the scale showed 220.0. I did not have a good weekend food-wise: I attended a baby shower on Saturday and ate brownies and cake (among other things). Yesterday's food consisted of huevos rancheros and a caffe mocha for breakfast, a sub sandwich for lunch, ice cream & chicken strips for an afternoon snack, and ramen noodles for dinner.

I know I didn't drink enough water either day, and I didn't get enough sleep either. I didn't exercise at all.

Yet in spite of all this, I am, at least on the scale, almost two pounds lighter today. It makes no sense! I weighed myself three times in different positions on the tile, and each measurement was the same. So odd.

Oh, and by the way: I certainly don't look or feel any thinner. Nope, I'm as fat this morning as I was last Thursday.

As I was driving back to Phoenix from Tucson yesterday, I was thinking about the fact that my 40th birthday was a mere 13 months away and figuring out in my head how much weight I would have to lose during that timeframe to be at a a healthy BMI on my 40th birthday. (Yes, it is a long, boring drive, and I have way too much time to think while making it.)

In order to weigh 150 on my 40th birthday--which would give me a BMI of 25.0--I would have to average nearly 6 lbs of weight loss a month from now until then, or 1.25 lbs per week. This goal would be well within the guidelines for healthy weight loss.

Something to think about. . . .

Magical thinking

We all engage in magical thinking from time to time. I was aware of it just this week while watching the Olympics. . . . like somehow my holding my breath or yelling "look out!" will help a downhill skier who's about to crash or the figure skater whose landing looks wobbly.

This afternoon, I have been engaging in another type of magical thinking. . . . thinking that I somehow caused something bad to happen to someone, simply by thinking about it.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a message I'd like to send to my "first" (I will call him "E") on Fac.eb.ook about hoping that what he did to me didn't happen to his daughter, who is now the same age I was then. The post spurred comments about whether I had been raped, and I was quick to point out that what happened between this guy and me, while reprehensible on his part, due to his older age and greater experience, was not criminal.

I had lunch today with E's sister. We were in the same high school class and were friends (notwithstanding her brother's mistreatment of me). During the planning for our 20th high school reunion a couple of years ago, we learned that we both live in the Phoenix metro area, though at opposite ends. We work around 30 minutes from one another and have had lunch twice since then.

I hadn't seen her in over a year. She had alluded to 2009 being "a tough year for our family" in her email to schedule lunch, so I knew she had some bad news to impart. She told me first about her financial struggles and her other brother's impending divorce, which has been a long time coming. (They were having marital problems when I saw her last, and they weren't new then.)

Then she told me something that gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. After telling me about her younger brother's divorce, she said "But that's nothing compared to what happened to E" and proceeded to tell me how his 15-year-old daughter was basically raped by the two older brothers of one of her friends. E and his daughter live in a small town--even smaller than our hometown--and the parents of these guys are friends of E and his wife, people they have known since childhood.

Apparently while E's daughter was sleeping over at her friend's house, after the parents went to bed, the four teenagers started playing drinking games. E's daughter--who my friend describes as "a good girl" and her favorite niece--was unaccustomed to alcohol and soon passed out. While she was semi-conscious, each of the guys, her friend's brothers, "took advantage of her."

The girl didn't tell her parents for a few days out of fear of being punished for drinking, but E finally found out what had happened when he noticed significant changes in his daughter's behavior and probed further. The police are involved, and prosecution of the assailants is being pursued.

Once he learned about what had happened to his daughter, E fell into a deep depression. My friend said he would keep her and his mom on the phone for hours, talking about all the "bad things" he had done in his life and how G-d was punishing him. She believed he was suicidal at one point and had their father force him to seek help.

E is now on antidepressants and doing OK, but their ordeal is far from over. The case is still making its way through the courts, and E's daughter may have to testify at trial. Meanwhile, one of the guys apologized to the girl for his behavior and the other has been sending her hateful text messages calling her a "slut."

I know that my thought of "I hope no guy does to her what you did to me at her age" did not cause this--it happened before I even wrote that post, in fact--but I couldn't help the eerie feeling I had while hearing about this. I think anyone would be horrified to find that a 15-year-old had been raped, but my feelings went beyond that. I felt guilty, even though I did nothing to cause this.

Given the tenor of my previous post, one might think I would take some perverse pleasure in knowing that E had to go through something like this, but I don't. Maybe I don't really hate him as much as I thought I did.

Maybe I just find it impossible to take any pleasure in something so awful happening to an old friend's favorite niece.

Like a broken record

220.0 (ugh)

• I have been filled with self-loathing the past several weeks as I have watched the scale creeping slowly and inexorably up, up, up. However, my self-loathing has provided me with little to no motivation to stop its climb. (Why I even bother to weigh every morning is beyond me.) My eating habits, while never great, have not really changed that much since Christmas, and yet I am now gaining weight where I wasn't before. Perhaps it's middle age? I have made a couple of starts at resuming regular exercise, but even those have been short-lived and motivated more by avoidance of pain/injury than by a desire to get in shape and lose weight. WTF is wrong with me?!
  
• I am enjoying watching the Olympics. I'm not a big fan of most winter sports, having grown up in the desert and not ever participating in them myself, but I LOVE women's figure skating especially. And Lindsey Vonn is originally from MM's hometown, so of course we've had to watch the downhill skiing.
• I continue to be plagued by headaches. I woke up with a migraine yesterday and had to use heavy-duty drugs. I had a little residual headache this morning which, happily, has responded to a single dose of Ex.cedrin.
• My dad is having some health issues. (Actually, he lives with several chronic conditions, so he is always having health issues to some extent.) He had to be transfused with three units of blood yesterday for a very low hemoglobin/hematocrit, and the doctors do not know why/how his blood counts got so low. They are going to have to run tests to try to figure out where the blood loss is coming from. Meanwhile, Dad is tired, weak and short of breath as a result of being so anemic. He also just got over pneumonia which was diagnosed just after New Year's. Dad will be 68 years old on March 15, so these problems are more than usually concerning.
• I am looking forward to a fun-filled but busy weekend in my old stomping grounds of Tucson!
• The weather here in Phoenix this week has been absolutely beautiful. . . . the kind of days I'll want to think of fondly in July when it's 110+ for weeks at a time.

You decide

220.6 (OMG, I really weigh 220)

A certain couple I know recently had a disagreement about a minor issue, but I want to get my readers' take on who was in the right and who was in the wrong.

"A" and "B" are a married couple. (I am purposely going to refrain from telling you the genders of either spouse to avoid gender bias.) Because A knew that B was only working four hours today and would not be going into work until 1:00 p.m., A asked B to take A's car to have its emissions testing done. The car needs to be tested by Monday, which is a federal holiday, which essentially means that the testing needs to get done this evening or sometime this weekend.

In the interest of not cutting into time they both wanted to spend together over the weekend, and knowing that the wait times at the emissions testing centers are the shortest on weekday mornings, B (grudgingly) agreed to switch cars with A for the day and take the car to the emissions testing center this morning before going to work. A and B left their cars respective keys out for each other on the kitchen table prior to going to bed last night.

This morning A left for work in B's car, as arranged. A had been at work less than an hour when B called to say that B had left B's wallet in B's car. B has no cash, no ATM card, and no ID, since they are all in B's wallet. B cannot write a check and cannot get cash at the bank without ID. Thus, B has no way to pay the $30 for emissions testing for A's car.

B believes that this is A's fault and that A should have noticed that B's wallet was in the car when A got in the car to drive to work. B is angry with A for inconveniencing B even further, because now B will have to take A's car to the emissions testing center this afternoon, when the wait times are bound to be longer than they would have been this morning.

A maintains that this is B's fault. B knew that A would be taking B's car for the day. It was therefore B's responsibility to ensure that anything B needed out of B's car was removed. A believes that this task could and should have been accomplished when the parties exchanged keys last night.

Thoughts? Who do you think is right?

Yet another sign that I am a terrible person

219.4

As is likely apparent from previous posts, I spend a little time on Fac.ebo.ok every day. (OK, some days more than a little.) One of the features of the site is the "news feed" which informs you about the activities of your "friends" . . . . like their status updates, whether they have posted photos or links to websites, and--most germane to this post--whether they have changed their relationship status.

Fac.ebo.ok offers a few choices for relationship status: single, married, in a relationship, and the ever popular "it's complicated." Fac.ebo.ok's reporting of changed relationship status was the way I first learned of a friend's break-up with her fiance shortly before Christmas. Today I noticed that a high school classmate of mine who I'll call "C" had changed his status from "married" to "it's complicated."

Interestingly, I had lunch with C's sister last summer (she was a friend of mine in high school; small town), and she had mentioned that he and his wife were having marital problems. Now, given the change in relationship status, I am guessing that they are getting divorced. They have been married pretty close to 20 years, I think; I know they have a son who is nearly 18.

I know it's wrong that my first thought was to let my divorced high school friend know that C may soon be back on the market. My friend was in C's class, and I know she has always found him attractive. There is an "all 80s" reunion for our high school in June, and she will no doubt see C there, assuming he attends (and I see no reason why he wouldn't, given that he still lives in New Mexico).

I guess I figure, hey! My friend didn't break up their marriage, and there's no reason why she shouldn't pursue an opportunity.

Yeah, I'm probably going to hell.

February's not off to a good start

On February 1, I had to leave work after only a couple of hours due to a worsening migraine. . . . and then deal with an additional "headache" trying to get my prescription migraine medicine that our insurance decided it will not pay for.

On February 2, I woke up with a red, painful right eye which grew worse through the day. By afternoon, I'd decided I needed to go to the eye doctor and was diagnosed with keratitis of the cornea. I'm glad I didn't follow my first inclination and just wait it out because it can lead to blindness if untreated. A $40 office visit and $40 worth of 4-times-a-day eye drops and I'm told the eye should improve soon. I can't wear my contact lenses for at least a week.

Today, February 3, I've woken up to gray skies with a slight headache, some lingering discomfort and redness in my eye, and a complete disinterest in going to work, where I have to spend the first three hours of my day attending a Webinar on Managing Law Practice Risk which is required by the firm's insurance carrier.

I am manning the "Woof Line" for Rescue a Golden this week and having difficulty even remembering to check the number once a day (no calls yet, though, thank goodness) and have been dealing with a non-working home phone that has required me to make two calls to the company which provides our phone service.

On top of all this, I started my period yesterday and have cramps.

Yeah, this month is not off to a good start. . . . .

(On a positive note, I did my second session of Pilates yesterday evening and went for a brisk 30-minute walk. Yea me!)

So. . . .

218.2

Recently I received an invitation from a law school classmate to participate in the Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk this November. I was gung ho to do something for a great cause. . . . until I started thinking about what preparation for this event would actually entail.

The 3-Day consists of walking 20 miles a day, 3 consecutive days, for a total of 60 miles. There are rest stops along the route with water and snacks. From all I have heard, it is a very well-managed event.

In addition to devoting three days to walking, I would have to raise $2300 in donations in order to participate and pay a non-refundable $90 processing fee.

But it's not the distance or the donations that have me hesitating to sign up. It's my fear that I would not do the training required to prepare and would thus find myself physically unable to do the walk. It would be completely in character for me to wake up on October 1 and say "Oh sh1t! It's only 5 weeks until the Walk, and I haven't been training!"

A law school friend who did the 3-Day in '08 told me that it takes 16-24 weeks to train, depending on which program you use. You have to walk six days a week. You start gradually, only walking about 2 miles a day, and work up to walking 16 miles by the end.

When I mentioned that I found this prospect daunting, she said "Well, you probably exercise six days a week anyway, right?" Yeah. Uh, no, I don't already exercise six days a week. I know that I SHOULD exercise six a days a week, but I don't. (Let me also mention here that this friend has two small children, a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old, in addition to her full-time job.)

I then feel doubly ashamed for being afraid to commit to this. There is absolutely nothing preventing me from training for this! In fact, the majority of the training schedule would only consist of my doing what I should already be doing anyway: walking around a half hour, six days a week. (The doggies would love that, too.)

I hate that I am such a lazy slug that I can't even commit to doing this for a worthy cause, not to mention being unable to motivate myself to do it for my own health.

So tell me I should do it and how to make myself do the training.

Hometown

I think I've figured out why I have trouble remembering people from my hometown, and it's not due to early onset dementia. It's due to the fact that I HATE(D) MY HOMETOWN and most of the people in it!

I graduated from high school in 1988. Recently there has been talk on Fac.ebo.ok about the fact that the alumni from the classes of 1980 through 1989 are having an 80s reunion there this summer. A few people have asked me if I will be attending. The answer I'd like to give is "Not only No, but HELL NO."

I will never, not even for my 50th, if I live that long, attend a class reunion in my hometown. Most of the people I grew up with were obnoxious and ignorant, and I find it hard to believe that many of them will have improved with the passing of time.

Sure, there are some people in my high school class and the classes ahead of mine who I liked and might enjoy seeing again. . . . but the prospect of seeing these people is not outweighed by the certainty of having to tolerate a bunch of yahoos I didn't like in high school and probably still wouldn't like.

I've read and heard enough about many of my former classmates on Fac.ebo.ok to know that the ones who were obnoxious and ignorant continue to be obnoxious and ignorant. And many of the ones I liked have (wisely) moved away and fallen out of contact with everyone.

Am I the only one who feels this way about her hometown? I bless the day my father moved away from there and ensured that I would NEVER have to go back, even for a visit.

'Nuff said on this topic. I have already given it far more space on this blog and in my mind than it truly deserves.

Early onset dementia?

Ever since I have been active on Fac.ebo.ok the past year or so, I have noticed that I can't seem to remember many people from my hometown. It's almost like I've blocked out a significant portion of my years there. I'm not sure if this is common or not, but I am a little bothered by it.

As I may have mentioned before, my sister V and I grew up in a small town. Our four-year high school had only about 350 students total, and my graduating class was 69 people. Because there was little industry in the town where we lived, not a lot of people moved in or out. Sure, occasionally someone moved away (and I envied them!) or someone new moved to town (always an event), but for the most part, I went to school with the same people K-12. We moved there when I was 5, and my dad lived there until I was 19, so I spent essentially my entire childhood there.

Given the size of our hometown and the relative stability of its population, you would think that I would clearly remember everyone I knew there. . . . but this is not the case. On more than a few occasions, I have received a friend request from someone, or seen a name on someone else's friend list, and had to email V to see if she knew who the person was. Even more concerning: V usually knows who these people are, even though she is two years younger than I, with only a couple of exceptions.

Most recently, I've felt bad because there have been a lot of posts by classmates of mine about a man whose name I recognize as a high school classmate (or maybe from the class a year after me). "JS" is apparently fighting cancer--and may have died, based on someone's cryptic status update yesterday--and I have no memory of him beyond his name sounding familiar. I couldn't tell you what he looked like, what his personality was like, or any shared experience he and I had.

Why is it that I can remember the telephone number of the boy I liked in junior high school and just about every mean thing anyone did to me in my hometown, but I cannot remember anything but JS's name?

While "chatting" with a high school classmate on Fac.ebo.ok last week, she was referencing people I did not remember at all, who were apparently just one year ahead of me. In that instance, not only could I not retrieve any concrete memories of the person--as with JS--I couldn't even really remember the name.

I'd like to think that I can't recall these mostly irrelevant facts because my brain is so filled with other good stuff, but I am a little concerned that my memory is failing me at age 38.

14 months

219.8

I had the hardest time getting up this morning because the overcast weather made it dark outside so that it seemed much earlier than it actually was. I not-so-fondly remembered my days working 12-hour day shifts in the hospital when I had to get to work while it was still dark and leave in the dark as well a significant portion of the year. (Working 12-hour night shifts was no better.) Even the doggies were fooled.

I honestly don't know how people who live in parts of the country that get real winter weather all the time do it. (My MIL's cousin, who lives on a farm in North Dakota, says that they joke that the weather "keeps the riff-raff out.") I remember SL used to tell me how Anchorage would only get about four hours of daylight per day in the winter. I couldn't live like that!

We have been experiencing the most un-Phoenix-like weather this week! Rain has been in the forecast every day, and it has actually rained at least some portion of the past three days. Today I woke up to rain which has continued to fall at a steady pace. I suppose that this weather is typical for some parts of the world in January, but not in Phoenix! I actually like the rain--probably because it's a change and also because I find the sound of it falling soothing--so I am just making an observation, not a complaint.

I had the pleasure of meeting an on-line friend in real life this week. She is the second person I initially met through the internet and have now met in person. It was fun!

My weight continues to be up, and I continue to do essentially nothing about it. I bought some fruit and vegetables at the grocery store on Monday, and I have been eating them. Unfortunately, I have also been eating larger-than-necessary portions at meals and too much candy at work and not going to the gym. I worked out twice last week, and thus far zero times this week. I have no excuse, good or lame.

Work is status quo. Life is status quo. I continue to be in one of those periods where just getting through each day seems like sufficient work, so that the thought of tackling something else big, like a major home decluttering project or working out seems way too much to contemplate.

So I just go on living life. . . . spending time with my husband and my dogs, reading, chatting with friends on the phone. The usual.

Today's post title recognizes the fact that I will turn 40 years old 14 months from today. Yikes!

Dear Fac.ebo.ok

??--forgot to weigh

Dear Fac.ebo.ok,

I am not a mom. I don't know why you think I am a mom, when my profile lists no children and I have never mentioned children to anyone, in any fashion, on your site.

Given that I'm not a mom, I am not interested in meeting other moms, winning free diapers, learning about local Montessori schools, or hearing about the government paying moms to go back to school. Figure out a better way to market to your target audience. Maybe you should start with women who actually have children. . . just a thought.

Sincerely,
S

Things I Wish I'd Known 20 Years Ago

219.8 (eek!)

• There is nothing wrong with setting the bar low. In fact, lower (or at least realistic) expectations are a good way to avoid disappointment and upset.
• I will never be "hip" or "with it," no matter how hard I try or how much money I spend.
• You will never please everyone, so work on pleasing yourself and those close to you.
• Even people whose lives seem "perfect" have problems.
• Dogs, good friends and good books will bring more happiness and contentment than an expensive car, stylish clothes and a big house.
• Those "popular" people in high school who your dad said would end up checking groceries at the Saf.eway? Yeah, Dad wasn't too far off the mark.
• Ditto for Mom's prediction that half the people who got married in their 20s would be "divorced and back out on the market" by the time I was ready to get married. Sad but true.
  
• A sense of humor and reliability are way more important qualities in a man than outstanding good looks and "excitement."

But as my father always said. . . . "You can't put an old head on young shoulders." I would scoffed at anyone who had told me these things when I was 18.

P.S. Isn't today's weight atrocious?! I thought I was looking even fatter than usual lately, and I am!

Among the living

I spent most of yesterday in bed after waking up with a headache that would not go away. I also had a scratchy throat, some discomfort in my right ear and just generally felt off, so it's probably better that I got a lot of extra rest.

Today I feel mostly back to normal, still a little tired. My head has the usual dull ache I get the day after a long-lasting headache but doesn't really hurt.

While getting ready for work this morning, I somehow managed to strain my left lower back. I was leaning close to the mirror and turned to the side when I felt/heard a "pop" just above the left side of my pelvis. It still hurts if I move certain ways. Yes, middle age is fast approaching. . . . or maybe it's just because I'm overweight and out of shape. Either could be a reasonable explanation for my injuring myself while performing a normal activity of daily living, I suppose. Unfortunately, I can't get in for a massage with my usual therapist until next week.

I spent last weekend in Albuquerque visiting an old friend, "H." I first met H when I was 18 and she was 14, through a youth organization in which we were both active. At the time we met, the age difference between us was pretty significant, but we have kept in touch over the years, and it has seemed less and less as time has passed. She went on, five years later, to hold the same state-wide office I held in the organization when we met, and that made an additional bond between us. I attended her wedding in March 2000 and have visited her several times over the years.

Anyway, H was finally divorced this past October after a two-year-plus legal battle. Long story short, her marriage had never been perfect, but really hit the skids when her husband had a psychotic break when their younger daughter was 6 weeks old (and their older daughter not quite 2) and was ultimately diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. H could have, and would have, lived with her ex-husband's mental illness, though it was difficult and far from ideal, but she would not live with his repeated infidelities. When she caught him soliciting sexual encounters on line (not for the first time), they separated. Ultimately he was the one who filed for divorce when H left the state where they had lived throughout their marriage and moved back to Albuquerque to be near her parents not long before their older daughter's 3rd birthday. Despite the fact that *he* filed for divorce, he did everything he could for two years to delay things and resist every attempt at settlement.

H looked fabulous, and she was the happiest I'd seen her in years. Her daughters--now aged 5 and 3--are thriving and very cute. She has a wonderful, loving boyfriend who I really liked. (Though to be fair, I liked her ex-husband, too, at one time.) We had a great time catching up and hanging out, though I nearly froze. I am NOT used to being where the daytime highs are in the 30s!

While I was visiting H, I also got to have lunch with a mutual friend of ours who I had not seen in over 15 years. That was a lot of fun, too!

The only downside of going away for a weekend trip is that none of my usual weekend chores get done. MM was good enough to take down our tree and decorations and the Christmas wreaths outside and do his usual weekend cleaning, but there are still holiday knick-knacks that need to be stored and the like. I also need to do my laundry, buy groceries, and clean the bathrooms. Not sure when I'll be getting to all this. . . . maybe next weekend.

Not much else new to report. I keep thinking about getting back in shape, and I actually made it to the gym once last week. Unfortunately, I don't get much past the thinking stage most days. Being gone all weekend, making a 7-hour round-trip drive for work (Monday) and not feeling well don't help.

Bad but not illegal

OK, based on the comments on my last post, I fear I may have left a misimpression. This a-hole from high school did not rape me: as I told one person who emailed me, he broke my heart but did not break the law.

Our sexual encounter was consensual, though I do believe that this person took advantage of my naivete, being older and more experienced himself. The really awful thing(s) he did to me came after that. It's a long story to tell, and I don't know that I want to dredge all that up anyway when it happened about 25 years ago.

Anyhoo. Just wanted to clarify.

I had a terrific weekend visiting an old and dear friend. I will write more on that soon. This morning I have to drive to Kingman for a deposition. Good times. . . . .

Random musing

216.6

I noticed recently that the guy who was my "first" (and under less than ideal circumstances too long to go into here) is now on Fac.ebo.ok. Fac.ebo.ok actually suggested him as a "friend" for me--hardeeharhar--but I declined.

Though we are not "friends," he is apparently not bright enough to setup his profile so that stalkers like me who aren't on his Friends list can't see his photos and information. So I have been able to view photos of him, his wife, and his two children, among other things.

Would it be wrong of me to send him a message that reads as follows:

"I see that your daughter is 15 and will soon be 16. Pretty girl. I hope no guy does to her what you did to me at her age."

Yeah, I guess that would be a little mean. . . .

The Aughts

One of my favorite bloggers (whose blog is password protected, so I cannot post a link) blogged the milestones she considered significant for the past decade. Her post prompted me to think of my own milestones over the past ten years. Here they are. . . .

From 2000- 2009, in no particular order, I:

• Came to live in Arizona (in January 2000) and have been here--either in Tucson or in Phoenix--ever since.
• Left the field of nursing after 7 years of practice.
  
• Applied to (and was accepted by) five law schools, attended law school at the University of Arizona (2001 to 2004), and graduated from law school (May 2004, top 33% of my class).
  
• Passed the bar exam (on the first try!).
• Worked as a prosecutor (just like Law & Order!) and tried 29 jury trials in two-and-a-half years on the job.
• Paid off my undergraduate student loan, finally!
• Made many more friends than in the 90s, with most of whom I am still in regular contact.
  
• Got engaged twice.
  
• Called off a wedding 13 days out.
• Got married (on Maui!).
• Attended the wedding of my first serious, long-term boyfriend to someone else.
  
• Bought my first house.
• Was a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding.
• Became an aunt for the first time.
  
• Visited Ireland, my father's homeland, for the first (and second) time as an adult.
  
• Adopted my first (and second) golden retriever.
  
• Became a CASA volunteer, fulfilling a long-held goal of doing volunteer work to benefit children. Have served on cases for two different children, the latest case for over 6 years.
• Was able to maintain a weight loss of 30 lbs for nearly a year.
• Lost at least 20 lbs three different times. . . . only to re-gain all the lost weight (sometimes plus more).

OK, so 2009 wasn't a particularly great year for me, but the aughts were certainly a good decade!

I note in passing that when I was 20 years old, I authored a list entitled "Things to Do Before I Die" . . . . a Bucket List, if you will. During the 00s, I accomplished a few of the items on my list: owning a purebred golden retriever; visiting Ireland; paying off my undergrad student loan; learned to play the piano; and last, but by no means least, marrying "a man who truly loves and respects me."

(I should post my Bucket List here sometime. . . . it'd be good for a chuckle.)

Twenty Questions

216.8

I ran across this email while clearing out my email folders. Someone I met on the sparkpeople message boards asked me to answer these questions for some college class project she was doing. I enjoyed re-reading my answers, and I don't think they'd be much different today if I filled this out. I thought others might enjoy reading them, too. (I added the parts in brackets today before posting this.)

Twenty Questions

Sunday, June 15, 2008 5:42 PM

From: "S"

To: xy123@yahoo.com

1. At what point did you decide what you would do with your life?

I'm not sure that I have decided! I have had two careers so far: first as a hospital nurse, now as a lawyer. Being a nurse was fulfilling in the sense that I provided an invaluable service to people, but I didn't feel it was a good fit for me. I really love working as a lawyer, but being a lawyer has made it more difficult for me to achieve balance between my personal and my working lives.I'm not sure that I'll continue doing what I do now until I retire. And I think that's OK.

2. Did a pivotal sign tell you that you were on the right track?

No.

3. Did you have to make any sacrifice to pursue what you do?

To go to law school, I had to incur an additional $60,000+ in student loans above what I was already paying for undergrad, plus take three years out of the workforce.

4. Are there important things that you haven't done yet?

Yes! The primary one that I think about all the time is being a mother. There are also hobbies I'd like to pursue and places I'd like to visit. I hope I will live long enough to do these things!

5. What do you wish you had known as a young woman that would have further advanced your life by this point?

That it's OK to be unsure about where I'm headed and to be open to advice and inspiration from unexpected sources.

6. What was your favorite part of your twenties? What was your least favorite part?

My favorite part of my 20s was finally being an adult and getting to know myself, my strengths and my weaknesses.My least favorite part was that I was solely responsible for my choices and their consequences. (Though this could also be viewed as a positive, depending on one's perspective.)

7. Do you believe that you are following your destiny, or that you have found your life's purpose?

I don't know. I do know that my current career "plays to my strengths" much more than my previous career, and I enjoy it. I wouldn't say I'm passionate about it, though, in the way I think one would be if it was her "life's purpose."

8. Of the painful happenings in your life, which would you wish to keep?

Strange to say, but all of them. Overcoming those obstacles has helped to make me into the person I am today.

9. Why do you think there is so much fear and jealousy in the world?

I think part of fear and jealousy comes from a lack of self-confidence or self-love. If you believe in yourself and know that you are worthy, you will have no reason to doubt or to envy because you will know that the Universe will send you good things in Its own time.

10. Do you listen more to your heart than to your head?

I listen more to my head.

11. Do you trust others easily?

I'm middle-of-the-road on this. I will say that the more I've known people, the more skeptical I've become. I was more trusting at 20 than I am now.

12. How important was money in your career choice?

When I chose nursing, money was only important to the extent that I thought it would be more likely than not that I wouldn't have to face long periods of unemployment as a nurse; I knew it wasn't a lucrative field.

When I chose the law, money was a bit more of a consideration. . . . mostly because I had to borrow a fairly significant sum to pursue a second career and wanted it to be financially worthwhile.

13. What annoys you most?

People who are stupid or just don't get it. . . . who make no effort to learn or improve.

14. What are some of the things that you wish someone would have told you as a young woman?

Never settle. It's OK to have high standards, but realize that not everyone who comes into your life will be able to meet them.

Know yourself. Until you truly know yourself, no one else can really get to know you.

Enjoy the journey. It sounds cheesy, but most of the best things that have happened to me in my life were a result of serendipity or of things not going the way I had planned.

Don't worry too much about what other people think. Ultimately, you are the one you will have to face every day in the mirror, so care more about what YOU think.

[Truth be told, I probably wouldn't have listened to anyone who had told me these things when I was younger.]

15. How important do you think it is for people to have mentors? Who were yours?

I think how important a mentor is depends upon the individual person. I don't think I've ever really had a mentor, and I seem to have done OK for myself.

16. Do you feel you have a fulfilled personal life? Do you consider your career to be part of your personal life?

Aside from the fact that I am not a mother, I think my personal life is pretty fulfilled. I have many good, close friends; my parents are still living, and I have a good relationship with each of them; I am close to my sister and have an adorable 19-month-old [now 3-year-old] nephew; and I have a wonderful boyfriend [now husband] with whom I am building a future. Also, I have a wonderful dog [two wonderful dogs now] who enriches my life every day just be being himself.
I also get a sense of fulfillment from volunteering. I have volunteered as an advocate for children in foster care since 2002. If work allowed me more time to do so, I would also want to volunteer with my dog as a therapy team. (I've gone so far as to seek out an organization and training for this, but haven't found the time to actually get involved.)

I do NOT consider my career to part of my personal life. I rarely socialize with anyone from work outside work hours, although several of my friends are lawyers by virtue of the fact that I met them in law school.

17. If you could instantly have one talent, what would it be?

I would like to be able to read people well.

18. How much attention do you pay the rest of the world?

Probably slightly more than the average American, based on what I've read, but not a lot. I tend to stay pretty focused on what is going on in my own life and my own community vs. the world at large.

19. What lessons do you think you still have to learn?

Lots. There are still many things about myself that I want to improve. I'd like to be more organized, healthier (through better eating & exercise), and less critical of others.

20. What is your favorite mode of communication and why?

Talking because it comes easily to me and I can usually make myself best understood in that way. I find that the written word sometimes has the potential for misunderstandings. I consider myself to be a good writer, but when you talk to someone, you can observe their reactions and body language and tell whether you are communicating effectively.

P.S. When I was in my 20s, friends who were slightly older used to tell me that the 30s were the "best decade yet." To be honest, I thought they were full of crap, but now that I am 37, I believe it's true. I spent so much of my 20s trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be (my parents, my boyfriends, my friends & peers) and feeling uncertain about the path I should be taking.Now that I am 37 [38], I realize that I am far from perfect, but I know myself--the good and the bad--and because of this self-knowledge, I am able to try to be the best ME I can and to fully engage with other people.
In my 30s, I also care a lot less about what most people think of me. I do what I think is right, and I value the opinions of a handful of close friends and family members. The rest of the world's opinions don't matter much to me.

This feels wrong. . . .

I am listening to the Twilight Original Motion Picture Soundtrack. Lest you think I would purchase such a thing for myself, allow me to explain: I bought it as a birthday gift for M, the little girl on whose case I am a CASA. I felt it my duty to listen to make sure that none of the song lyrics were explicit or inappropriate for a 10-year-old before giving it to her.

I actually like all the music on here. I may have to rip some (all?) songs to iTu.nes before I give this to M.

Hi, my name is S. I am 38 years old, and I like the Twilight soundtrack.

P.S. Resolution #6 is going resoundingly well; I have emptied the sink before bedtime the past three nights. Because I am back at work today, tonight will be the real test.

2010 Resolutions

Yeah, I'm going to make some resolutions this year. At the risk of coming across negative and defeatist, I want to (semi-) publicly admit that some of these are resolutions I have made before and failed to fulfill. But you know the old Japanese saying: fall down seven times, get up eight. I'll never achieve any of these goals by throwing up my hands in defeat.

Without further ado, here are the six changes I would like to make this year, in no particular order:

1. Make exercise a regular daily habit.
2. Eat at least 5 servings of fruits and/or vegetables each day.
3. Pay off my (relatively small but nagging) credit card debt.
4. Save the money to buy the diamond stud earrings I've wanted for over 10 years.
5. Spend at least 5 minutes each evening tidying up the common living areas in our home.
6. Make sure the kitchen sink is empty each night before going to bed.

I am already on the right path to achieving #3 & 4, and if I stick to the plan I've figured out for each--and no unexpected financial crises arise--I should be able to achieve both by the end of 2010. For #1, 2, 5 & 6, I am going to use the 6 changes method.

In the interest of starting small and simple, I plan to tackle #6 first. My hope is that success in forming one habit will breed more success in forming others. Wish me luck!