Tuesday, February 23, 2010



Lately I am feeling like I am just living each day. I don't mean that statement in the positive, Zen way in which it might be interpreted (though I believe that there is certainly something to be said for living in the present and enjoying each moment.)

I mean that I am not taking a global view of my life or working toward any medium- or long-term goals. I just get up each morning and do what I must do to get through that day: go to work, eat, sleep, walk dogs, hygiene, etc. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. Humdrum.

This is not to say that I don't enjoy most aspects of my life. To the contrary; I am quite content. I am happy in my marriage. I love my dogs. I have great friends and family and am getting along fine with all of them and seeing as much of them as is reasonably possible, given everyone's schedules, distance and finances. I have lots of "me" time, and I have been making an effort to relax and read more in the evenings, once my "to be read" pile grew to over 15 books shortly after Christmas.

Work is the same as ever: some aspects are interesting, some less so. I still don't love billable hours, but I have realized that they are a necessary evil of my current position. I recognize and acknowledge the many positive aspects of my present job, and I know that, given the state of the economy and the job market, now is not the time for me to be looking to change jobs, even if I were that frustrated at work (which I'm not, most days).

I just feel ineffectual and directionless. To an objective outside observer, I would think my life looks pretty good. And no doubt, some third party would probably tell me that I have accomplished plenty in my life. From my perspective, though, I am the same fat, out-of-shape, disorganized person I was when I started this blog over four years ago. . . . honestly, I have been that same person for much, much longer.

I am OK with being in a somewhat stagnant place at work for the moment. I anticipate I will make a job change again at some point when the job outlook is better. I have some ideas about that but am totally aware that now is not the time. Looking at things from a broader perspective, I am even OK with being a somewhat mediocre lawyer. I still prefer it to my previous career.

But my acceptance of the current state of affairs with my career shouldn't mean that I have no goals on which I can focus. Quite the opposite. In fact, remaining in my same position while not having to learn a new one, and not job-searching, should free me up to focus more on other things. . . . things like exercising more, eating right, getting more organized at home, writing the novel I've often talked about and never started. Instead, I find myself as stagnant in my non-work life as I am at the office.

I am at a loss about what will shake me out of my complacency. I've tried baby steps. I've made attempts at a slow return to exercise a few times already this year. I am gung ho for a few days and then peter out. I start out most days with a healthy breakfast and a plan. Some days I actually stick to the plan, but as many days, I don't. I've tried doing "just 15 minutes" of cleaning and decluttering, and while it has kept the house from falling into complete chaos (along with MM's more regular cleaning routine), I have not made much progress.

Perhaps I need therapy? A cattle prod? To hire a "life coach"? I don't know.


Flying Monkeys said...

My therapist tells me to set the timer for 15 minutes and declutter or organize then walk away. I keep looking at the time but I haven't set it yet.
*shrug* I'm of no help.