Plugging along

215.6

The scale was down a little this morning but still not even back to what it was this time last week. Ugh. So frustrating.

I've concluded that all I can do for now is keep doing what I'm doing. Following the JC plan as diligently as I can, minimizing my eating out (and making healthy choices when I do eat out), drinking a lot of water (3 liters or so a day), and exercising at least three times a week.

I still wish it wasn't so hard every single day and am still troubled by the fact that my losses are coming VERY slooooowly this go 'round. But I know I will get to a healthy weight eventually if I just keep at it. . . . even if it takes over two years.

I really think that the fact that I am now 7 years older than when I successfully lost 35 pounds in 4 months on Weight Watchers has a lot to do with this. And I can't do anything about being older.

So that's where I'm at.

Question for FB users

I hesitate to post this because I wonder at this point whether anyone is even still reading. Anyway. . . . .

I have a question for those of you who are on Fac.ebo.ok. What is the appropriate etiquette for dealing with a friend request from someone you know but do not like?

Twice I have faced the situation where a high school classmate of mine who I haven't seen since high school graduation (over 22 years ago) and with whom I was never friends sent me friend requests. With the first person, I ignored TWO friend requests from her, and when she sent a third, I finally relented and confirmed her, thinking that I would just delete her later. (Oddly enough, she initiated a "chat" with me not long after I finally accepted and through that chat, I learned that she and her husband have also struggled with infertility. Actually, at this point, they have given up and are just living childless.)

Now I have the same dilemma with a second person. Again, she has now sent me a second friend request even though I ignored the first one. It has been in in-box limbo for a week or so. This person is someone of whom I have not one positive memory from childhood. In fact, we lived less than two blocks apart, and yet I've never been inside her house or vice versa, so that should tell you something about our "relationship" or lack thereof.

Thoughts? My instincts tell me to just "ignore" again but am wondering if anyone else has faced a similar situation.

Frustrated & a little angry

216.6 at home
217.0 at JC

Despite being 100% on plan for five out of seven days this week, I only lost 0.6 lbs at today's weigh-in. I know I should be happy to see the scale moving down at all, and I know that if I continue to lose 0.6 lbs every week, I will eventually get to my goal weight (in over two years) . . . . but I'm pissed.

This morning's number on the scale was the highest one I'd seen in days. By last Wednesday, I'd gotten down to 215.something every day and even had one day of 214.4. But MM and his parents wanted to go out for Mexican food last night, and even though I made one of the better available choices, I know that it was higher in fat and sodium than what I should've been eating. Couple that with lunch and dinner out on Saturday (lunch was sushi & miso; dinner was a salad with grilled chicken and no dressing), and it's not hard to see why the scale is up this morning.

The other, main reason I am feeling so frustrated and angry is that this level of effort at weight loss used to work for me. In prior weight loss attempts, if I were exercising 3-4 days a week--as I did last week--and eating on-plan 5-6 days, I would consistently lose weight. Now it seems that in order to see any kind of significant loss, I am going to have to be on-plan every day and/or step up the frequency of my exercise.

Is this possible? Theoretically, yes. It's hard for me to imagine, though, that I could follow any eating plan 100% and never have a slip-up, especially given how often I eat out. Unless I want to give up a significant portion of my social life, eating out is going to continue to be a part of my life. And given that I have been forcing myself to go to the gym three days a week--and that I am unable to exercise outside this time of year due to the near-daily high heat index--I would think that exercising 5-6 days a week is pretty much out of the question. (Not to mention the other commitments I have which might prevent me from doing that.)

On the one hand, I only have myself to blame. I ate what I ate, and those choices caused the result they caused.

On the other hand, I don't understand why this has to be so frickin' difficult! I am, by a conservative estimate, nearly 70 lbs overweight. It would seem to me that, for someone my current size, SOME positive changes should result in weight loss. I shouldn't have to work my a$$ off at this point to see decent losses at the scale. I anticipate having to work harder when I'm closer to my ideal weight range, but I did not anticipate it being such a struggle to lose weight when I'm well over 200 lbs.

Vent over. It is what it is. I suppose all I can do is keep working at it.

Sick day

215.2

I stayed home from work yesterday; I called in sick. I woke up feeling achy all over and just exhausted, with a slight scratchy throat, so I thought I must be coming down with something. After sleeping until nearly 11:00 a.m., I woke up feeling fine, so in retrospect I don't think I was really sick. Maybe just residual effects of staying up later than usual to watch a baseball game that went into extra innings or just sick and tired.

I am, and have been, in a definite funk. (I hesitate to call it a "depression" because I just don't think it is quite that severe.) I felt better for a few days when I first starting applying for other jobs and when I had an interview, and in the rush of motivation which came with restarting JC, but over the past few days, my mood has once again deteriorated.

I think my feelings stem primarily from just feeling "stuck." Our inability to achieve parenthood thus far has meant that I am stuck in my personal life for the time being. I can't move forward with plans to live a childless life, because we don't know for sure yet whether that is where we will end up. And I obviously can't make plans for parenthood when it is equally uncertain. Certain travel and hobbies are limited by the need to save money, both due to my decreased income related to my decreased workload and due to not knowing whether we may have to shell out big bucks for fertility treatment in the not-so-distant future.

Now I feel stuck at work as well. Not only do I feel stuck in my specific job because I haven't been able to find another one and because things have been so slow (adversely affecting my income), but I don't feel like I have grown much here professionally for a while. I am the type of person who craves constant learning and, to a certain degree, change, so "celebrating" three years at this job today does not feel like a celebration at all. Even economics notwithstanding, I want to do something else. Work at a different firm, go back to criminal prosecution, take an in-house counsel position, something.

I am stuck in Phoenix, too, by virtue of the fact that I own a home here that we couldn't sell without suffering a financial loss. Also, my husband's job is here, and my in-laws relocated to the area to be near MM, their only child. I am no longer free to move if I want, and while this fact didn't bother me when I was content with my life, it is bothering me now. (Ironically, I think back on the years when I was unsettled and moving often and longing to be rooted in one place. Well, now I am.)

I have stayed pretty much on track with JC this week, aside from a tiny half slice of thin crust pizza last night substituted for my evening snack of fruit and yogurt and filching a small chocolate chip cookie on Wednesday night. So I guess that is one thing I can feel good about.

My inclination is to just whole up in my house on the couch or in bed with books and TV, but I don't have that luxury. I guess it's a good thing I am forced to work full-time. . . . keeps me from having a breakdown.

Post & dash

215.0

Had a 100% on plan day eating-wise yesterday, plus a very good workout at the gym: 10 minutes of weight training followed by 32 minutes on the elliptical trainer. I also drank over 3 liters of water and went for a 20-minute walk with our dogs. Yippee!

Perhaps not surprisingly, my energy level yesterday was high. Too bad most of the day was spent stuck at work, but I did get a few things done at home in the evening, though I wasn't home from the gym until after 7:30.

Tomorrow promises to be an equally good day. Food planned, gym bag packed, already downed almost a liter of water. Good times.

Maintain

216.0

Yesterday's weight at home was 217.0 and at my JC centre 217.6. So I didn't lose anything for my second week; I maintained. Given how I ate over the weekend in San Diego, I'll take it.

I got right back on the horse yesterday, sticking to my eating plan and drinking loads of water (nearly 3 liters). I was worn out and didn't make the gym--I hate going on Mondays anyway because it's also extra crowded--but I have my stuff packed and will be going today after work.

I plan to see a loss this week. I can hardly fail to lose if I follow the plan and exercise, right? I mean, it's WAY too early for me to plateau.

BTW, trip to San Diego was great. Had my first Pinkberry, and it was delicious! Perfect weather. Very relaxing.

Slow progress

216.4

Despite the fact that I skipped the gym last night (I'd signed up for an evening continuing legal education course I forgot about), the scale was still down just a little more this morning. Nice! I'll take it.

My eating was 100% on program yesterday, and I am proud of myself. I didn't let Wednesday night's slip at dinner turn into a long, downward slide, as I often have in the past.

I am coming to realize that working full time does not leave me nearly enough time to do all the things I most enjoy. I don't dislike my job--and I like it MUCH better than any job I had in my previous career--but working 40+ hours a week makes it hard to have time for other things. I would like to devote more time to reading, spending time with friends, talking to my out-of-town friends on the phone, and volunteering, but between work and the mundane activities of daily life, like laundry, meal preparation, and other chores, it seems that I have little time.

Oh well. I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way. Truth be told, in the current economic climate, I am grateful just to have a full-time job and shouldn't complain about it taking up too much of my time. ;-)

Unfortunately, the whole "work smarter, not harder" concept does not apply to attorneys who work in civil practice; it's all about the billable hour. So I just have to accept that I am going to be spending the majority of my waking hours working until/unless I change to a less demanding, or part-time, job.

I am having a hard time getting motivated to exercise these days. I know I feel better and have more energy when I do it, but getting myself to the gym has been a challenge. And because it doesn't get under 100 degrees until well after 9 p.m. this time of year, outdoor exercise is out. (Unless I wanted to get up around dawn to work out, which I know from experience is unlikely to happen.)

Maybe as I continue to improve my eating and to slowly lose weight, I will feel more like working out. Cooler weather would help, too, but I have to wait until, oh, October for that.

Why

216.6

Beginning around 4:00 yesterday afternoon, I was seized by a sudden yearning to eat something carb-laden and fatty. I'll admit that the inclination to go "off program" for a meal arose even earlier in the day. I had resisted the urge earlier in the day to visit Qdoba for their delicious nachos--which I had been eating at least 2-3 times a week prior to re-starting JC after the July 4th holiday--but the desire to eat something "bad" built and built as the afternoon progressed.

I ended up losing the battle of wills with myself and getting dinner at Chi.no Band.ido, a local Chinese-Mexican fusion place which has been featured on Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives. (I know it sounds weird, but trust me, it is fantastic!) I had a jerk chicken quesadilla, a machaca burrito, refried beans, and fried rice with more jerk chicken, and I enjoyed it tremendously. The food there are always great, but it was a particular treat after more than a week of eating healthfully again.

I have to admit, I felt a little bit like an addict as I was driving to the restaurant, which is about 15-20 minutes from my office and not really on my way home. (I have to detour 10-15 minutes off my usual route to get there.) I felt driven to get the food. It was actually kinda weird, and I don't know why I had this strong, near-irresistible yen for this particular food.

I tried several techniques which have worked in the past for talking myself out of eating this dinner: refocusing on my reasons for wanting to lose weight, planning ways to jazz up the dinner I'd had planned, reminding myself that I would be eating out this weekend, drinking extra water, taking a little walk around the office (inside; it was 109 here yesterday). None of them worked. And the desire certainly didn't stem from true hunger, as I had eaten all my planned meals and snacks for the day and spaced them appropriately and had had plenty of water.

Oddly enough, after eating this fatty, salty, carb-rich feast, the scale was down an entire pound this morning from Tuesday morning's weigh-in. Who knows why.

I am going to ameliorate last night's damage by being 100% on plan today and drinking lots and lots of water. (I drink at least 2 liters of water every day and have been trying to get to 3 liters a day since re-starting JC.) I am also going to the gym and will do cardio in addition to the weight-lifting I'd planned to burn some additional calories.

I'm not beating myself up over my slip--I'm human, and it's going to take me a year to get to a healthy weight at a reasonable rate of 1-2 lbs/week--but am perplexed about why it happened.

Success!

217.6

The above was my weight at JC this morning. Oddly enough, it was slightly less than what I weighed on my scale at home first thing in the morning: 217.8. Go figure.

This translates to 3.5 lbs lost my first week back on JC. Hooray! I was actually a little uncertain about whether I would lose weight at all because I only followed the plan religiously for five of the seven days, and I did relatively little exercise. During the entire week, I lifted weights twice, did a total of less than 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer, and went for 3-4 20-minute-or-more walks with the dogs. (Walking the dogs, while still technically "exercise," does not get my heart rate up to an aerobic level.)

I would have to get down to 199 to be at a 10% loss from my starting weight of 221.1. Even if I lose an average of 2 lbs a week, that should still take 9-10 more weeks.

Onward and upward, er, downward. At least the scale is once again moving down and not up. Baby steps.

218.8

No, I didn't really lose 2.2 lbs overnight. Today's weight just takes me back to where I was last Friday morning, the day of my official first weigh-in at JC, and reflects the end to water retention caused by poor weekend food choices.

Even though I understand this, it's stil nice to see the scale move (back) down.

My first day of JC was OK. I had only one minor deviation from my pre-planned menu, and I know it made a difference of less than 100 calories. As a side note, I had forgotten how many fruits and vegetables I'd have to eat! Wow.

The only exercise I got was a 20-minute walk with the dogs at what I would describe as a slow-to-moderate pace. Guess it's better than nothing.

Small changes

221.0 (yikes!)

I am absolutely horrified--though, sadly, not all that surprised--by the number on the scale this morning. I know I ate poorly yesterday, but wow. Just wow.

I have a few updates from my last post (of nearly two weeks ago).

• I have been actively looking for, and applying for, jobs since my last post. I have an interview at another law firm on Friday morning.
• I decided on a whim to try Jenny Craig again instead of doing the hCG diet. I just don't have $650+ to spend on weight loss at the moment, particularly with the uncertainty about my work situation, and I have had my doubts about whether I could manage to only eat 500 calories a day.
• I started Jenny Craig this morning. My official first weigh-in was Friday afternoon, and I weighed 221.1 lbs there. . . . which is very close to what I weighed in 1997 (or 1998?) when I joined JC for the first time. (My start weight then was 222.2.)
• I made it to the gym two days last week. Not great, but it's a start. I focused more on weights than on cardio to ease myself back into things. (I enjoy strength training much more than cardio.)
• After a straight week of nearly-daily headaches, including two full-fledged migraines, I have now had no headaches for almost another week. Hmm.

So that's what's going on with me. As usual, I am perversely glad to be getting my eating under control. One potential bump in the road is the trip to San Diego which MM and I have planned for a week from Friday. I hope to make healthier choices while we're there and kick a$$ before and after with my lovely pre-packaged foods. ;-)