Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Repulsed

215.8 (ugh)

I have been particularly repulsed by myself lately. Although I am about 65-75 lbs overweight, I usually don't spend a lot of time dwelling on how fat I look. . . . probably because I have been fat to some degree or another my entire adult life and have grown accustomed to it. Usually if my weight is bothering me, it's because I've had a hard time finding clothes in my size, I have no/low energy, or my weight is holding me back from doing something I want to do, like hiking the Grand Canyon.

But the past few weeks, I've just felt that my body is gross. Every time I sit down, I notice my huge belly. I know my a$$ is huge, too, but thankfully don't own a full-length mirror and so only really notice it in the shower. My calves are really thick. My upper arms have way more jiggle than I'd like. When I saw my wedding photos, I was reminded afresh that there's no two ways about it: I'm a fat girl.

Now that I'm married, in addition to feeling bad and frustrated with myself for my weight, I also feel bad for MM. MM works out five days a week, eats small portions, and has good genes, so he is pretty slim. (5'8" and about 165 lbs) Although I only weigh a few lbs more than I did when we met (I weighed 211.4 on the day of our first date) and he tells me that he loves me no matter what. . . . I can't help but feel that he deserves a wife who is in better shape.

MM often encourages me to go to the gym with him--and sometimes I do--but he focuses totally on my health, in particular the fact that my cholesterol is high and my doctor says I am supposed to be exercising at least 30 minutes three times a week. I know, though, that even if I actually did all three workouts a week (& more), I won't lose any weight. I will only lose weight if I exercise AND diligently police every bite of food I put into my mouth.

Anyway. . . it remains to be seen whether these feelings motivate me to any action.

4 comments:

Valerie said...

If you find that motivation, let me know. ;) You should do another boot camp! That sounded amazing. Now, I've heard that successful weight loss is 70% eating and 30% working out, so I guess an overhaul of your eating habits will be necessary. If I could just figure out how to quit craving carbs, I'd be golden (like C-bass. lol).

Hilly said...

I feel the exact same way. What's worse is that I keep pulling the "I will get back on track tomorrow" card as well.

But yeah, I sympathize with feeling gross. I hate it too.

Land family said...

I think your wedding pictures were very nice. But I also had that same exact feeling when I got my wedding pictures back. So I understand 100%. :(

I'm also struggling for any source of motivation these days. Bleh.

TUWABVB said...

I meant to leave you a comment the other day - I had your website open on my computer and then everything shut down...but I had marked you has read in my Reader, and well...I'm old and losing my memory. So, sorry for the delay!

I needed to let you know two things. First of all, you looked absolutely breathtaking in your wedding photos - and I mean that. And that's coming from someone who cringed at her own. I literally looked at you and thought, "She looks great!" Please don't be harsh to yourself on such a wonderful day. Second, I totally feel the same way - just disgusted. And too damn tired to do anything about it. I'm not sure where my motivation will come from either...but if you get some, let me know. :)