Wednesday, June 27, 2007

What the f$%^ is wrong with me?


For the life of me, I don't know why I must always obsess over things. I get like this about lots of things in my life: major purchases, career decisions, and--most notably--men.

For as long as I can remember, I have found it nearly impossible to just relax and let things happen. My obsessiveness has caused me grief in several areas of my life, but most especially in my relationships with men. . . probably because romance is an area in which things generally run more smoothly if you DON'T obsess over them. Think about it: if you obsess over schoolwork, job choice, where to live, or what car you should drive, your obsessiveness might actually lead you to make better decisions. When it comes to relationships, though, over-thinking is almost never a good thing.

So what brought this entry on? I blogged a few weeks ago about J, my ex-boyfriend from college days with whom I am back in contact courtesy of Since that blog entry, J & I have exchanged several emails and this evening talked on the phone. We have made plans to meet for lunch on July 4th when I will be in the Phoenix area to attend my friend C's Independence Day party. All well and good, right?

The problem is, despite all the many other things I have going on in my life. . . work & its demands, my imminent change of jobs and associated move, friends here & in other cities, my recent vacation to visit my sister & nephew. . . I am spending way too much time analyzing "what this means." It probably doesn't mean anything! It's as simple as this: J is going through a transition in his life and started thinking about someone he dated a long time ago. . . probably during a simpler time in his life, I would imagine. (We met during his senior year in college and dated during his first year out in the "real world.")

Though our relationship may have been memorable to him in some ways--we had a helluva sex life, for one thing--I am under no illusions that he has been pining for me all these years. That just wouldn't make any sense. Things did not end well between us--in a manner of speaking, he cheated on me. . . though he probably wouldn't describe it that way. We kept in touch sporadically for the first year or so after our break-up, but many years (13) have passed with absolutely no contact between us. Plus, shit like that just doesn't happen in real life, only in movies. As my mother has reminded me on numerous occasions, my life is not a Hollywood production.

I feel that a rational, sane person finding herself in my situation would think that it would be interesting to renew an acquaintance with an old friend and catch up on old times and not think farther than that. This theoretical rational woman would certainly not devote hours of her time to re-reading J's emails, talking on the phone with friends & her sister about J's intentions, etc. . . . but that's what I've been doing.

Honestly! I am a 36-year-old woman who has spent the majority of her adult life single. I'm OK with being alone. In fact, more of the happier times in my life have been spent outside romantic relationships rather than in them. One secret that no one tells you growing up is that relationships can be hard work.

Anyway. . . . just venting I guess. After 20+ years of dating men, I'm unlikely to change now.


Anonymous said...

Just so you know, you are not alone. I have the same thoughts and feelings, including that I am better alone than I am in a relationship.