Karaoke

Why is it that I spend so little time doing things I genuinely enjoy? One of those things is singing. I sing pretty much every day. I sing in the shower, in the car, in my office. Songs pop into my head constantly, even if I'm not listening to music, and I sing little snippets of them. I've done it for years.

Modesty aside, I have a pretty good voice. Not great, but I can carry a tune, and lots of people over the years have commented that they like my singing. (*Aside: S never liked my singing. Or he said he did, but never complimented my singing and made weird faces when I sang.)

Tonight I went out to karaoke with some friends. I have not sung karaoke in years! I cannot even remember the last time. . . I know for sure that it was before I moved to Tucson, because I can't recall ever going out to karaoke here before tonight. It's odd to me that something I enjoy doing I haven't done in such a long time.

Going out to sing reminds anew, too, that I still want to get involved in a singing group. I have visited and been interested in joining, the Sweet Adelines. Once I am in Phoenix, I will have to find a group there and go to a practice session. I should be able to make time for a couple of hours one night a week, even with the new job and it's longer hours.

The Existential Crisis Test

Your Score: Will to Power

You scored 50% Concerned and 90% Certain!

You've faced any potential existential crisis and won. You acknowledge that life is full of uncertainty, but that hardly keeps you down. In fact, you may find it to be somewhat liberating.

What the f$%^ is wrong with me?

217.0

For the life of me, I don't know why I must always obsess over things. I get like this about lots of things in my life: major purchases, career decisions, and--most notably--men.

For as long as I can remember, I have found it nearly impossible to just relax and let things happen. My obsessiveness has caused me grief in several areas of my life, but most especially in my relationships with men. . . probably because romance is an area in which things generally run more smoothly if you DON'T obsess over them. Think about it: if you obsess over schoolwork, job choice, where to live, or what car you should drive, your obsessiveness might actually lead you to make better decisions. When it comes to relationships, though, over-thinking is almost never a good thing.

So what brought this entry on? I blogged a few weeks ago about J, my ex-boyfriend from college days with whom I am back in contact courtesy of reunion.com. Since that blog entry, J & I have exchanged several emails and this evening talked on the phone. We have made plans to meet for lunch on July 4th when I will be in the Phoenix area to attend my friend C's Independence Day party. All well and good, right?

The problem is, despite all the many other things I have going on in my life. . . work & its demands, my imminent change of jobs and associated move, friends here & in other cities, my recent vacation to visit my sister & nephew. . . I am spending way too much time analyzing "what this means." It probably doesn't mean anything! It's as simple as this: J is going through a transition in his life and started thinking about someone he dated a long time ago. . . probably during a simpler time in his life, I would imagine. (We met during his senior year in college and dated during his first year out in the "real world.")

Though our relationship may have been memorable to him in some ways--we had a helluva sex life, for one thing--I am under no illusions that he has been pining for me all these years. That just wouldn't make any sense. Things did not end well between us--in a manner of speaking, he cheated on me. . . though he probably wouldn't describe it that way. We kept in touch sporadically for the first year or so after our break-up, but many years (13) have passed with absolutely no contact between us. Plus, shit like that just doesn't happen in real life, only in movies. As my mother has reminded me on numerous occasions, my life is not a Hollywood production.

I feel that a rational, sane person finding herself in my situation would think that it would be interesting to renew an acquaintance with an old friend and catch up on old times and not think farther than that. This theoretical rational woman would certainly not devote hours of her time to re-reading J's emails, talking on the phone with friends & her sister about J's intentions, etc. . . . but that's what I've been doing.

Honestly! I am a 36-year-old woman who has spent the majority of her adult life single. I'm OK with being alone. In fact, more of the happier times in my life have been spent outside romantic relationships rather than in them. One secret that no one tells you growing up is that relationships can be hard work.

Anyway. . . . just venting I guess. After 20+ years of dating men, I'm unlikely to change now.

An exceptionally cute baby

Now I will admit that I am likely biased because of our relationship. . . . but isn't my nephew Rowan an exceptionally cute baby?

What a difference three months makes. . . .

weight=??

I am at my sister's house in northen Virginia, outside DC, spending some quality time with my adorable 7-month-old nephew. Normally he spends his weekdays with his paternal grandmother, but I wanted to have a day alone with him during my visit here. He really is a wonderfully easy baby. . . and SO cute!!

I believe I have blogged about looking for a new job. . . primarily for financial reasons. I got a job offer today. It is a position with a small (less than 10 lawyers) private firm in Phoenix that does solely insurance defense and medical malpractice. I think I will like the firm; there doesn't seem to be the typical firm snootiness and all the lawyers I've met there so far have been friendly and nice.

I'm going to take the position. As I see it, there is only one downside: I will be working 50% more hours than I currently work. But as they are also going to be pay me just a little more than 50% more, it will even out.

I have mixed feelings about moving to Phoenix. I've lived there before, and I don't dislike the city. I will really miss Tucson, though, as well as my friends here. I have lived here longer than anywhere else I've lived as an adult, six-and-a-half years.

Well, change is good. My post title: three months ago, I was living with S, about to be married, and had no plans to relocate. Now I am single again, changing jobs, and moving to Phoenix in July. Life is certainly unpredictable!

Post and dash. . . .

I am house/dogsitting for my old roommate as of Wednesday, so I don't have access to a computer at home. (K & J have laptops, but they are security encrypted b/c of their jobs in the defense industry, so I can't use them.) So I'm jotting off a quick post here at work before heading off to court.

I have been having a pretty good week, eating- & exercise-wise. Last night I ate out at a Mexican restaurant, and I know I ate a little bigger portion than I would on a normal night. . . but I also only ate 6-7 chips and ordered an entree that is much lower in fat than my usual preference. Last night's dinner aside, my eating has been JC-compliant and on track. I've also walked on my lunch hour twice this week (& plan to go again today), plus went for a longer (45-minute) walk on Monday evening. So I'm hoping to see a loss on the scale on Monday.

Not much planned for the weekend. It will be kind of nice to just have a low key couple of days and relax. On Wednesday the 20th I leave on vacation. I may come in to the office for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday to prepare some things for my absence.

16.8 down, only 57.8 to go!

217.8 (JC WI)

Tonight's weigh in was a good one. I lost the 3.8 lbs I "gained" last week, plus one more lb. In 9 weeks on Jenny Craig, I have lost a total of 16.8 lbs. Not too shabby. Particularly when I consider that I have only been fully compliant about 50% of that time.

We had some unusual weather here today. It was overcast and windy all day, then in the afternoon it rained a little. When I left work, it was only in the low 70's. Strange weather for us; 105 would be a normal daytime temperature for early June here. I'm by no means complaining!

I took advantage of the lovely evening weather to pick up dog poo, pull weeds, and then take Sebastian for a 45-minute walk on the nearby wash. The walk especially was lovely (& Sebastian was happy, of course).

Tomorrow evening I'm driving up to Phoenix after work because I have a job interview on Wednesday morning at 9. The interview is with a small private firm that does insurance defense and medical malpractice. The office is literally within walking distance of the apartment K & I lived in when we moved to Phoenix as travel nurses in January 2000, so I am quite familiar with the neighborhood and surrounding areas.

I'm hopeful about the interview--their job posting said they would prefer someone with a medical background, and they employ 3 nurse paralegals--but certainly need to find out some things about the firm, too. I had never heard of them prior to applying for this job online.

No trial for me again this week. The next trial I have set is on 7/10, and it's one I really hope I don't end up doing. . . because my case sucks! LOL Though I like being in trial, it's nice having some periods to get caught up in the office, too.

I'll be dog/housesitting for my friends K & J starting on Wednesday evening until next Tuesday. Her dog gets really freaked out if you take him out of his familiar environment, so it's easier for me to just stay over there, now that I live far enough away that is quite out-of-the-way to stop there on the way to and from work. I used to live with K in that house for 2 years before she married J, so I feel pretty comfortable there.

I had the last of my leftovers for dinner tonight! Turkey and my dad's oyster dressing--yum! Last night, I had green chile chicken enchiladas. . . nature's most perfect food. ;)

Wow

(away from home, which means away from the scale. . . )

I just had an uncomfortable dicussion with my father & stepmother about my salvation. Both are self-identified "born again" Christians. I think that is wonderful for them, truly. They seem to find great solace and hope in their beliefs. In some ways, I envy those people who have an unquestioning faith in God.

Religion often comes up as a topic of conversation when I visit my dad. I am usually able to dodge any kind of deep discussion about it. Now, though, I can tell that my stepmom in particular (& probably Dad, too), were deeply troubled to learn that I don't "turn my problems over to Jesus" and pray for God's guidance.

If asked my religious preference, I would describe myself as a lapsed Catholic. Growing up with my Irish Catholic grandmother, I never missed a Sunday of church (or a holy day of obligation) except when I had the chicken pox at age 6 and was still contagious. Going to church at least weekly, I had a deep faith in God. At one time in my teens, I even seriously considered becoming a nun; I spent many nights praying for God to give me some kind of sign if that was hi plan for my life.

In the years since leaving home, I have attended mass only sporadically. I never had a "crisis of faith," per se, but I stopped believing a long time ago that God takes a personal interest in my affairs. All the times in my teens and early twenties that I prayed for guidance, that guidance was never forthcoming. I've come to believe that God gave me free will for a reason, and I've exercised it.

As I told Dad tonight: one definition of insanity is to keep doing what you've always done and expect the outcome to be different. I learned many years ago that asking God for guidance yielded no results for me. Either God didn't hear my prayers, God chose not to answer, or God did not give me an answer in a form in which I could perceive it. I get that no lightning bolt will come from the sky, that--unlike Moses--I am not going to see God in a burning bush. I never looked for a sign that clear; I always assumed that God worked through other people or via indirect means.

Even with that understanding, though, I have never felt that I have been answered when I have prayed for guidance. The situations I am recalling are not like the time when I was 7 and prayed for roller skates for Christmas and didn't get them. These were times in my young adult life when I was at some kind of metaphorical crossroads. . . facing decisions like "what should I do with my life?" or "should I marry him?" Pretty big decisions, I think we could all agree. And though I prayed for guidance in these decisions, fully believing (based on my faith & my upbringing) that God would show me the right path to take. . . . He never did.

I hate having these discussions with the parental units because I do not want to upset them. Tonight's little chat is a good example of my being too honest for my own good. A less honest daughter would have just told them what they wanted to hear: "yes, I wholeheartedly accept Christ as my personal savior, and yes, I go to Him with all my troubles in prayer." Awkwardness is what I get for keepin' it real.

Well, parents' disappointment and concern aside, the only thing that will come out of tonight's discourse is that they will probably pray for me more. They may enlist church members to pray for me, too. And more people praying for me certainly can't hurt.

Old flame

219.0

I didn't write a blog entry after my weekly Jenny Craig weigh in on Tuesday because I gained. The scale showed a gain primarily because I did a stupid, stupid thing: I ate a huge blueberry muffin and drank a chai tea 2 hours before weigh in. I truly do not think that I actually had a significant gain. . . but it clearly wasn't a loss either.

Lots of little things have happened this week. I am going to have a roommate for the next two months or so. Long story short, an acquaintance called and is looking for a place to stay temporarily while she & her spouse sort out some marital issues. It's odd how it all came to pass, but I think it will work out fine. . . our living arrangement, that is; I truly have no idea how (or if) her marital issues will resolve themselves.

I've heard nothing from the attorney who interviewed me last Friday. Meanwhile, I have another job interview in Phoenix next Wednesday morning. I also received a follow-up question regarding an online application I filed with the City of Phoenix a few weeks ago. And my friend V gave her boss my resume, and he has asked me to apply online for an opening they have. So, God willing, I may have another job before Labor Day.

Definitely not taking anything for less than $65K a year, though. I am past wanting a change just for the sake of a change; I am looking to improve my financial situation.

My mom is back in her Indiana hometown for her 45th high school reunion. Too cute. It sounds like she is having fun.

I heard from my friend (ex-boyfriend) R today. I was a bit worried about him; we had talked in late March when I broke up with S, then in early May I mailed him a letter that was returned to me undeliverable. Turns out his wife changed jobs and they moved to Wichita, KS. It was good to talk with him and find out where he is.

An old flame from college ("J") tracked me down this week via one of those reunion websites. I have thought of him often over the years, but have not seen or spoken to him in over 13 years. Coincidentally, he is moving to Phoenix next week to go to dental school, after being a CPA for the past 15 years and living in DC for 10 of those 15 years. He has suggested we get together once he is settled, as I am only about 100 miles away.

I have to assume J just wants to get reacquainted with an old friend, but I could not help but get excited when I read his email. I carried a torch for this guy for a long time back in the day. And the timing of his getting in touch with me seems very fortuitous. Had things not ended with S, I would now be celebrating 2 months of marriage to him. Had we not broken up, I never would have been on any of these reunion websites looking for old friends, and thus would not even have known that J was searching for me. If something happens with J, in a weird way, it would make some sense for me of the trauma I have gone through in the past two and a half months.

When J & I dated, I used to dream of marrying him. We were both too young--I 22, he 23--and he was not looking for a life partner at that time. But he was perfect for me on so many levels; he was just one of those people with whom I felt an almost immediate rapport from the first time we met.

In any event, I am trying not to be too giddy and romantic about the whole thing and get my hopes up. But I will be happy to see him and catch up. We will see.

Consumerism?

217.2

What is it about buying new things that lifts our spirits? I've blogged before about how much I loathe shopping for clothes. On the other hand, I enjoy shopping for home furnishings and gifts for friends and family. And I even like getting new clothes. . . though I dislike looking for them.

My friend V is staying with me this weekend. She is in town to attend the wedding of a friend of hers. We spent the day hanging out: took the dog for a long walk, then ran a few errands, got Starbucks coffee, and went shopping in a little upscale outdoor mall and had a delicious sushi lunch there. I rarely go to this shopping center, as most of the stores are places where I cannot afford to shop; however, I needed to return a wedding registry gift at the Crate & Barrel. On the home back to my place, we stopped off at Kohl's, where I bought myself a new purse, towels, a blouse.

At Crate & Barrel, I could only get store credit, so I treated myself to some new wineglasses, a cork remover, and a couple other small items. I have browsed C&B many times, but never buy anything there because I can't afford it.

I also bought Sebastian a cool stuffed toy (50% off!) that says "I'm a canine genius!"--when I saw it, I felt he just *had* to have it--as well as a retriever roll stuffed with peanut butter.

As I was transferring my stuff to the new purse and unpacking my purchases, it surprised me how much of a lift seeing these new items in my home gave me. I guess this is why so many people make a hobby of shopping.

I had my job interview yesterday afternoon, and I think it went pretty well. I should know early next week whether they will make me an offer. If I am offered the position, and they are willing to pay my asking price (a little over $10K more than I currently earn), I will most likely take the job.

I have mixed feelings about the prospect of leaving my current job. I've been at that office for three and a half years, the first year as a law student clerk. I have so many friends within the office, and I genuinely like the people with whom I work. Also, I do like my job on the whole. I've always liked the feeling that the work I do is providing a valuable service to the community. . . and that feeling would certainly be lacking in private practice, I think.

At the same time, just earning that much more $$ would make such a difference to my financial life. On the balance, I really think I have to change jobs in order to live the life I want to live.

Not much else to report. Eating has been eh. Sushi is not the worst thing in the world to have for lunch. . . . but I know I have eaten a little bit more than I should've these past couple of days.