Onward and downward

223.8 (unofficial this morning)

226.2 (last night's JC weigh in)

I'm feeling very good about my weight loss & exercise these past couple of weeks. Despite the fact that I have had a higher-than-usual stress level, what with my move and dealing with the emotions following my break up w/SL, I have successfully stuck with the JC program and have lose 8.4 lbs so far. I've noticed my (size 18!) clothes feeling looser, and a couple of coworkers have noticed my weight loss. I'm in a very positive state of mind, in this area of my life at least.

I think I am coping with my break up quite well. . . no longer crying daily, able to concentrate at work again, able to calmly answer the (many) questions from acquaintances about the break up. At the same time, I still miss SL often and am quite sad about the way things ended when I stop and think about it. I've never been one to bury my feelings, so I do think about him and our relationship at least a few times a day; nights and mornings are the hardest because it's just Sebastian & me in the house.

He & I park in the same parking garage, and I saw him at his car as I was driving out yesterday. I had the urge to roll down my window and say hi or at least honk my horn. . . but I let it go. I know I cannot be with him, so there is no useful purpose to be served by forcing us to interact. Maybe in several months, when/if my feelings for him have waned, we'll be able to be friends. Right now, it's too hard for me because, despite everything, I still love him.

Anyway. . . I know that what I am feeling is normal. I would actually be pretty concerned about myself if I had planned to marry this man and could easily put my feelings for him aside a mere month after our break up. I never doubted that I loved SL--just whether a marriage between us could work--but if I'd had any doubt of my feelings, the depth of my emotions now, a full month after our break up, would've confirmed for me that I truly loved him.

It's a really hard thing to realize that love is not enough to fix some problems. Contrary to what we hear from poets, songwriters, and Hollywood scripts, love does NOT conquer all. I'll survive this, though.

I'm trying to focus on the good things about being single again. One of those, obviously, is that it is lots easier to stick to a diet & exercise plan when you're only thinking of yourself. Another is that I get to watch all the chick flicks and Friends episodes I want in the evenings. I've been taking full advantage of that: I watched Sense & Sensibility last night, along with three of my favorite Friends episodes. I'm also making an effort to spend time with friends. Not that I ever neglected my friendships when I was with SL--he was OK with time apart, and I've never been that girl--but obviously being in a serious romantic relationship takes up a fair chunk of your time.

Little things are important to focus on, too. I get to keep the thermostat where I want it. I don't have to see or smell smokeless tobacco (SL used Copenhagen--yuck!). I can take up the entire bed.

My dad and stepmom are arriving Friday afternoon/evening to visit for the weekend. I'm going out for sushi tomorrow night, so I need to get the guest room ready for them tonight: wash their new sheets and towels, make the bed, and dust my very dusty bedroom furniture. I've given up on being completely unpacked by the time they arrive. . . not gonna happen.

Mmmm. . . . brownie

224.6 (unofficial)

I know some people say that you shouldn't weigh yourself daily, particularly when you are trying to lose weight. I, for one, don't think it's a terrible thing to do, so long as you don't let a change on the scale freak you out. I look on daily weigh-ins as information gathering.

That said, I have been weighing myself daily since starting Jenny Craig on 4/10. Some days the scale hasn't changed much; once or twice it's been up a bit from the day before. Totally normal. I was pretty psyched about the weight I saw this morning, so I had to share it.

I am very glad that the scale is now moving down instead of up. How sad, though, that I am actually happy to see 224.6 on my scale! Considering I started Weight Watchers at 212.2 in January 2003 (and at 179 in January 1992, if you want to go back that far), it's pretty disgusting that I am happy to be back in the 220's. . . but I AM happy about it! :)

I had a very lazy day today. I slept in until almost 10:30, then read for the next four hours. (One book, cover to cover.) I finally hopped in the shower around 3:00, ran a couple of errands, then went to a BBQ at my friend/coworker V's house. I enjoyed the BBQ, though many of the guests were leaving by the time I arrived. Once I returned home, I chatted on the phone with a couple of friends, then spent over an hour editing and uploading the photos from my stepdad's memorial service.

The main thing I needed to do this weekend--unpack!--I haven't done at all. . . yet. There is still tomorrow, and I am optimistic about getting the kitchen, my bathroom, and a good chunk of the den unpacked. I know if I buckle down and get to it, it will probably take less than two hours. I just need to exercise some self-discipline. I also need to get the guest room ready, as my dad & stepmom are coming to visit on Friday. I bought them nice, crisp white sheets & towels yesterday. Just need to pop those babies in the wash, make the bed, and spruce up their bathroom a bit; it's not really in need of a cleaning because I don't use it.

I also plan to go for a 45-60 minute walk tomorrow morning. Poor Sebastian got no walk today due to my laziness, so I intend to make it up to him tomorrow. Not to mention I need the exercise. I ate a brownie at the BBQ; that was definitely NOT on my eating plan for today.

No trial this coming week. . . but I do need to put my nose to the grindstone and get some things done. I would be going in to the office tomorrow, but for the fact that the power in our building is going to be off all day. I can't get much accomplished there without lights and the computer! I'll just have to go in a little earlier and be more focused this week.

Loss: good at the scale, not with the jury

229.2 (at Jenny Craig centre)

I had my end-of-first-week weigh in tonight, and lost 5.4 lbs! I was very pleased with that. I know from my (vast) prior dieting experience that this rate of weight loss will not continue and that it is likely mostly water weight, but it is still encouraging to see a big loss on the scale.

My consultant took my measurements tonight (skipped last week due to time constraints), and I have a plan for this week. I am going to be eating dinner out tomorrow & Thursday, as well as a couple of lunches out and a barbeque on Saturday, so this week will be more of a true test of my resolve. This past week I just stuck to my pre-planned Jenny Craig menu: simple enough, just don't eat anything that isn't on the list. And I never allowed myself to be tempted by anything else.

I was proud to note, too, looking back on my log for the week, that I got at least a 15-minute walk in every day but one last week. I am getting into a good routine with walking Sebastian in the mornings now; I have taken him 3 of the last 4 mornings. I only take him for 15 minutes, but I actually see quite an improvement in his behavior & disposition, even with that small amount of exercise. I am also going for walks at lunch when I can.

Just started my trial at 1:30 today, and we are almost finished. Defense counsel and I will stipulate to some evidence tomorrow in lieu of testimony; the defendant will take the stand; and then we'll give closing arguments and give the jury the case. He is offering an interesting defense, and I am looking forward to the challenge of my cross-exam.

Not much else going on here. K pointed out that if I unpack two boxes per day, I'd been done in less than 2 weeks. So I am taking her suggestion and am determined to get through at least two boxes tonight. I'd better get to it!

Complete change of scenery

Another Monday. I moved on Friday, then returned to the old apartment Saturday to clear out the few things left there and clean up. Over 8 hours of work Friday and 4 hours Saturday, and I no longer live in the apartment SL & I shared for a year and a half.

I got a little teary after turning in the keys. My new place is much larger, and much nicer--a house instead of an apartment--and I know I am making a change for the better. I've got to get on with my life without SL in it. It's just hard. I actually missed him quite a bit on Sunday. Aside from the drinking, we had quite a good relationship. And obviously I have not stopped loving him after just 3 short weeks.

Sebastian is gradually adjusting to the new place. He loves the large backyard. . . though he is reluctant to go out there alone for very long. He generally stands or lies in front of the sliding glass door looking out. If I leave that back door open, he will go out in the yard for a while, then run back in to check where I am. There is an aquarium here, and he loves looking at the fish. Too funny.

I have a trial tomorrow! Short case, probably take only a day and a half, simple possession of cocaine. Shouldn't even really be going to trial, IMHO, but whateva. That's what I get paid to do.

Jenny Craig program is going well. My biggest problem following the plan this first week was the move: it made it hard for me to eat every 3-4 hours as I'm supposed to. I have been a little hungry at times, but not unbearably so. I have gotten a little bit of exercise in, too, this week; I'm quite proud of how I've done, actually. Shows me that "I've still got it." Honestly, losing weight has never been the problem for me. My problem is sticking with it, not losing motivation, and making a permanent change. Oh yeah, and keeping off the weight I lose.

I walked a 5K yesterday for the local Race for the Cure. It was good. It really brought home to me, though, how out of shape I am. I used to knock out a 5K distance 3 times a week, no sweat; now it was a bit of a challenge. My feet were killing me by the end. But I finished it! And even walked about a mile back to the car afterwards. It helped that I had a much thinner, younger, more fit friend along to shame me into continuing. LOL

Gotta take a last look at my case file before tomorrow's trial. I'll post again after tomorrow night's weigh in.

Fun movie post!

I've written nothing but heavy posts for a while, so when I saw this on snackiepoo's blog, I just had to rip it off. Plus, I love movies!

THE MOVIE MEME

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times. Top Gun, Princess Bride, Grease, Clueless, Sixteen Candles, Star Wars, Jerry Maguire

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater. Silence of the Lambs

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie. Matthew McConaughey (or Reese Witherspoon, if we're including actresses)

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie. Matt Damon or Penelope Cruz

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from. Clueless, Napoleon Dynamite, The Big Lebowski, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club

6. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs. The Sound of Music, Grease

7. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with. Oklahoma

8. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see. Crash.

9. Name a movie that you own. Clueless, Jerry Maguire

10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops. "Marky Mark" Walberg

11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what? Yes, Splash, when I was 11.

12. Ever made out in a movie? Yes. . . but not for years & years

13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it. The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

14. Ever walked out of a movie? Yes, two: Ernest, Scared Stupid and Rushmore

15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater. Titanic. . .and I am NOT a crier!

16. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater? 300

17. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie? Either a psychological thriller or a "chick flick" (romantic comedy), depending on my mood.

18. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater? Born Free

19. What movie do you wish you had never seen? Seven

20. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed? Pan's Labyrinth

21. What is the scariest movie you've seen? Jaws, because I saw it when I was 7 and had nightmares for weeks, or Silence of the Lambs.

22. What is the funniest movie you've seen? I could never pick just one! A few that spring to mind are Airplane!, History of the World Part I, Team America: World Police, The 40-year Old Virgin.

Day One of Jenny Craig

234.6 (ugh!)

The weight above is my official J.C. starting weight. Awful! According to their chart, I should weigh between 112 and 142 for my height (5'4.5"), which means I am at least 92.6 lbs overweight. When I said I only needed to gain a little more weight to qualify for gastric bypass surgery, I wasn't far off the mark.

You have an option of choosing the "Jenny cuisine" you want and can also eat out, following program guidelines. For this week, though, I decided to do a pre-planned menu. For the first 2-3 weeks, as I am trying to re-establish control of my eating, I don't want much flexibility. Plus, doing the pre-planned menu gives me a chance to try out some of the J.C. foods that I might not otherwise try.

I am on a 1200 calorie per day menu plan. . . the lowest calorie plan they have. I wasn't sure how that would work for me, but actually, so far today I have not been hungry, unless it was time to eat again. (I'm eating every 3 hours or so.) I'm also drinking lots of water--though I always do, I've stepped it up a little--and have had no caffeine.

At lunch, I went with some co-workers for a 30-minute walk. . . not terribly brisk, more of a moderate pace, because I didn't want to get sweaty. A group of us are going to be walking 3-4 days a week at a nearby convention center that opens its (air-conditioned) doors to walkers over the lunch hour. I plan to take the dog for another 15-20 minute walk this evening after work, too.

So I am off to a good start on the J.C. plan! I think it helps that my appetite has not been normal the last few weeks due to the stress of my break-up and Jim's death. Had I been eating my usual amounts, I think the 1200-calorie plan would've been a much greater shock to my system. . . I'm sure I generally eat probably twice, or even three times, that amount.

SL is coming by the apartment after work tonight to pick up the items he left behind and to clean his bathroom & the guest room. I am going to leave and go see the movie Blades of Glory with my friend A so that I can avoid seeing him. Not that we would fight or anything like that; it's just that I still find it painful to be around him. It's just easier for me to be out of his way.

I've had a little lingering headache all day. . . woke up with it early this morning, actually. I've been taking ibuprofen all day, but it's still lurking, just under the surface. I have not had a migraine in over two weeks--and this isn't a migraine, just a headache--so I hope this doesn't mean my migraines are coming back. So far, so good, with the ibuprofen, though: the pain has never gotten out of hand today, though it's never completely gone away.

Not much else to report. Work is eh. Trying to get some stuff done, but still not really feelin' it. :)

I don't wanna work

I'm back at work this morning after my trip to Ohio for Jim's memorial service. It was COLD the whole time we were there! The highest daytime temperature I saw was 36 degrees. There were also snow flurries off and on all weekend. The news said Ohio had a colder Easter than Christmas.

I thought the memorial service went well; my mom seemed pleased with the way things turned out. She appears to be coping pretty normally. She's tearful at times and says the house seems empty, but is doing OK otherwise.

It was good to see the relatives, despite the circumstances. My cousin-by-marriage has three children--aged 11, 6, and 7 months--and they provided quite a bit of amusement and entertainment. I love kids! I enjoyed spending time with my mom & sister, too.

Today has been a Monday in every sense of the word. I am tired, dehydrated, cranky, and overwhelmed by all the things that have accumulated on my desk and in my inbox during my *2* day absence from work! I'm kicking around the idea of going home early; I just don't think I'm mentally/emotionally prepared to sort out this mess today. Everything will still be here tomorrow, and maybe I will be in a better frame of mind then.

I've made arrangements to move on Friday. K is coming down to help me, and I've rented a truck. I think a change of scene will be good, and the house I am going to be renting is so cute. I'm going to start walking the dog around the neighborhood as soon as I move in so I can establish a good habit/routine at the new place.

I'm still joining Jenny Craig tomorrow evening, too. I'm actually looking forward to taking control of my eating and my weight again. So many things in my life are outside my control. I fondly remember how good it felt to manage something that I *could* manage.

One day at a time. . .

When it rains. . . .

Sebastian & I were finally able to return home last night; SL moved to his new apartment yesterday. Predictably, he left some of his things--and a big mess--behind. But at least we are no longer living together.

In the midst of my personal crisis w/SL, I got a call from my mom early, early Saturday morning telling me that my stepdad had passed away. He had been in the hospital with pneumonia since March 20th and has been in declining health for the last few years, so his death was not entirely unexpected, but sad nonetheless. My mom seems to be coping OK, though she says she feels "like there's a hole inside me." They were together for over 27 years; I was 9 years old the first time I met him.

The small silver lining in the black cloud that is my breakup with SL is that my trial calendar for this week and next has been kept clear for months. . . allowing me to fly to Ohio to be with my mom for my stepdad's memorial service this Saturday. My sister and I will be flying to Columbus from our respective homes Thursday and driving together to Mom's rural Ohio home. Honestly, had Jim passed away two or three weeks from now, I would have had a very difficult time arranging my schedule to be there for my mom. So one little good thing has come out of cancelling our wedding.

Mom was worried that I would be upset that she set the memorial service on the date that was supposed to be my wedding day. I'm not upset at all; it is my fervent hope that in two or three years, April 7th will have no significance in my life.

That's my current life in a nutshell. Work is the same as ever, busy, one thing after another. Having a lot to do at work has probably helped keep me sane over the past several days. My trial schedule in late April and May is quite full, and I even have a few trials set already in June and July. . . so I should continue to be busy at work. And I've made a conscious decision NOT to actively look for another job until at least Labor Day. (Not to say that I will scorn any good opportunities that come my way.) I want to take a few months just to adjust to my newly-single status.

When I return from Ohio, I'll only have another week or so in the apartment SL & I shared before I move to a house. The house, which belongs to my supervisor, is a very cute 2-bedroom, 2 bath with a den, yard, and 2-car garage several miles northwest of where I currently live. SL & I were supposed to move there together at the end of April, but despite that fact, I think it will be a good place for me to make a new start: totally unfamiliar part of town, different route to work, far from SL, and no associations with our relationship. My supervisor & I have worked out an arrangement where I am only paying her what I'd be paying for a one-bedroom apartment. It's to her advantage to have the house occupied by someone she trusts, and I am obviously reaping a huge benefit because she could get twice the rent on the open market.

I'm also joining Jenny Craig when I get back. Yes, I've blogged about this before, and about trying to lose weight in other ways, too, but this time I will follow through. I've already made the intake appointment for April 10th. My focus is going to be on myself again for the first time in a long time; I think that shift in focus will help me to do what I didn't/couldn't do while I was with SL. The change in neighborhood is also going to help me get out and walk the dog more, simply because the area is more conducive to that than where we currently live.

I am still sad, but I am hopeful that I will eventually feel better.