14 months

219.8

I had the hardest time getting up this morning because the overcast weather made it dark outside so that it seemed much earlier than it actually was. I not-so-fondly remembered my days working 12-hour day shifts in the hospital when I had to get to work while it was still dark and leave in the dark as well a significant portion of the year. (Working 12-hour night shifts was no better.) Even the doggies were fooled.

I honestly don't know how people who live in parts of the country that get real winter weather all the time do it. (My MIL's cousin, who lives on a farm in North Dakota, says that they joke that the weather "keeps the riff-raff out.") I remember SL used to tell me how Anchorage would only get about four hours of daylight per day in the winter. I couldn't live like that!

We have been experiencing the most un-Phoenix-like weather this week! Rain has been in the forecast every day, and it has actually rained at least some portion of the past three days. Today I woke up to rain which has continued to fall at a steady pace. I suppose that this weather is typical for some parts of the world in January, but not in Phoenix! I actually like the rain--probably because it's a change and also because I find the sound of it falling soothing--so I am just making an observation, not a complaint.

I had the pleasure of meeting an on-line friend in real life this week. She is the second person I initially met through the internet and have now met in person. It was fun!

My weight continues to be up, and I continue to do essentially nothing about it. I bought some fruit and vegetables at the grocery store on Monday, and I have been eating them. Unfortunately, I have also been eating larger-than-necessary portions at meals and too much candy at work and not going to the gym. I worked out twice last week, and thus far zero times this week. I have no excuse, good or lame.

Work is status quo. Life is status quo. I continue to be in one of those periods where just getting through each day seems like sufficient work, so that the thought of tackling something else big, like a major home decluttering project or working out seems way too much to contemplate.

So I just go on living life. . . . spending time with my husband and my dogs, reading, chatting with friends on the phone. The usual.

Today's post title recognizes the fact that I will turn 40 years old 14 months from today. Yikes!

Dear Fac.ebo.ok

??--forgot to weigh

Dear Fac.ebo.ok,

I am not a mom. I don't know why you think I am a mom, when my profile lists no children and I have never mentioned children to anyone, in any fashion, on your site.

Given that I'm not a mom, I am not interested in meeting other moms, winning free diapers, learning about local Montessori schools, or hearing about the government paying moms to go back to school. Figure out a better way to market to your target audience. Maybe you should start with women who actually have children. . . just a thought.

Sincerely,
S

Things I Wish I'd Known 20 Years Ago

219.8 (eek!)

• There is nothing wrong with setting the bar low. In fact, lower (or at least realistic) expectations are a good way to avoid disappointment and upset.
• I will never be "hip" or "with it," no matter how hard I try or how much money I spend.
• You will never please everyone, so work on pleasing yourself and those close to you.
• Even people whose lives seem "perfect" have problems.
• Dogs, good friends and good books will bring more happiness and contentment than an expensive car, stylish clothes and a big house.
• Those "popular" people in high school who your dad said would end up checking groceries at the Saf.eway? Yeah, Dad wasn't too far off the mark.
• Ditto for Mom's prediction that half the people who got married in their 20s would be "divorced and back out on the market" by the time I was ready to get married. Sad but true.
  
• A sense of humor and reliability are way more important qualities in a man than outstanding good looks and "excitement."

But as my father always said. . . . "You can't put an old head on young shoulders." I would scoffed at anyone who had told me these things when I was 18.

P.S. Isn't today's weight atrocious?! I thought I was looking even fatter than usual lately, and I am!

Among the living

I spent most of yesterday in bed after waking up with a headache that would not go away. I also had a scratchy throat, some discomfort in my right ear and just generally felt off, so it's probably better that I got a lot of extra rest.

Today I feel mostly back to normal, still a little tired. My head has the usual dull ache I get the day after a long-lasting headache but doesn't really hurt.

While getting ready for work this morning, I somehow managed to strain my left lower back. I was leaning close to the mirror and turned to the side when I felt/heard a "pop" just above the left side of my pelvis. It still hurts if I move certain ways. Yes, middle age is fast approaching. . . . or maybe it's just because I'm overweight and out of shape. Either could be a reasonable explanation for my injuring myself while performing a normal activity of daily living, I suppose. Unfortunately, I can't get in for a massage with my usual therapist until next week.

I spent last weekend in Albuquerque visiting an old friend, "H." I first met H when I was 18 and she was 14, through a youth organization in which we were both active. At the time we met, the age difference between us was pretty significant, but we have kept in touch over the years, and it has seemed less and less as time has passed. She went on, five years later, to hold the same state-wide office I held in the organization when we met, and that made an additional bond between us. I attended her wedding in March 2000 and have visited her several times over the years.

Anyway, H was finally divorced this past October after a two-year-plus legal battle. Long story short, her marriage had never been perfect, but really hit the skids when her husband had a psychotic break when their younger daughter was 6 weeks old (and their older daughter not quite 2) and was ultimately diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. H could have, and would have, lived with her ex-husband's mental illness, though it was difficult and far from ideal, but she would not live with his repeated infidelities. When she caught him soliciting sexual encounters on line (not for the first time), they separated. Ultimately he was the one who filed for divorce when H left the state where they had lived throughout their marriage and moved back to Albuquerque to be near her parents not long before their older daughter's 3rd birthday. Despite the fact that *he* filed for divorce, he did everything he could for two years to delay things and resist every attempt at settlement.

H looked fabulous, and she was the happiest I'd seen her in years. Her daughters--now aged 5 and 3--are thriving and very cute. She has a wonderful, loving boyfriend who I really liked. (Though to be fair, I liked her ex-husband, too, at one time.) We had a great time catching up and hanging out, though I nearly froze. I am NOT used to being where the daytime highs are in the 30s!

While I was visiting H, I also got to have lunch with a mutual friend of ours who I had not seen in over 15 years. That was a lot of fun, too!

The only downside of going away for a weekend trip is that none of my usual weekend chores get done. MM was good enough to take down our tree and decorations and the Christmas wreaths outside and do his usual weekend cleaning, but there are still holiday knick-knacks that need to be stored and the like. I also need to do my laundry, buy groceries, and clean the bathrooms. Not sure when I'll be getting to all this. . . . maybe next weekend.

Not much else new to report. I keep thinking about getting back in shape, and I actually made it to the gym once last week. Unfortunately, I don't get much past the thinking stage most days. Being gone all weekend, making a 7-hour round-trip drive for work (Monday) and not feeling well don't help.

Bad but not illegal

OK, based on the comments on my last post, I fear I may have left a misimpression. This a-hole from high school did not rape me: as I told one person who emailed me, he broke my heart but did not break the law.

Our sexual encounter was consensual, though I do believe that this person took advantage of my naivete, being older and more experienced himself. The really awful thing(s) he did to me came after that. It's a long story to tell, and I don't know that I want to dredge all that up anyway when it happened about 25 years ago.

Anyhoo. Just wanted to clarify.

I had a terrific weekend visiting an old and dear friend. I will write more on that soon. This morning I have to drive to Kingman for a deposition. Good times. . . . .

Random musing

216.6

I noticed recently that the guy who was my "first" (and under less than ideal circumstances too long to go into here) is now on Fac.ebo.ok. Fac.ebo.ok actually suggested him as a "friend" for me--hardeeharhar--but I declined.

Though we are not "friends," he is apparently not bright enough to setup his profile so that stalkers like me who aren't on his Friends list can't see his photos and information. So I have been able to view photos of him, his wife, and his two children, among other things.

Would it be wrong of me to send him a message that reads as follows:

"I see that your daughter is 15 and will soon be 16. Pretty girl. I hope no guy does to her what you did to me at her age."

Yeah, I guess that would be a little mean. . . .

The Aughts

One of my favorite bloggers (whose blog is password protected, so I cannot post a link) blogged the milestones she considered significant for the past decade. Her post prompted me to think of my own milestones over the past ten years. Here they are. . . .

From 2000- 2009, in no particular order, I:

• Came to live in Arizona (in January 2000) and have been here--either in Tucson or in Phoenix--ever since.
• Left the field of nursing after 7 years of practice.
  
• Applied to (and was accepted by) five law schools, attended law school at the University of Arizona (2001 to 2004), and graduated from law school (May 2004, top 33% of my class).
  
• Passed the bar exam (on the first try!).
• Worked as a prosecutor (just like Law & Order!) and tried 29 jury trials in two-and-a-half years on the job.
• Paid off my undergraduate student loan, finally!
• Made many more friends than in the 90s, with most of whom I am still in regular contact.
  
• Got engaged twice.
  
• Called off a wedding 13 days out.
• Got married (on Maui!).
• Attended the wedding of my first serious, long-term boyfriend to someone else.
  
• Bought my first house.
• Was a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding.
• Became an aunt for the first time.
  
• Visited Ireland, my father's homeland, for the first (and second) time as an adult.
  
• Adopted my first (and second) golden retriever.
  
• Became a CASA volunteer, fulfilling a long-held goal of doing volunteer work to benefit children. Have served on cases for two different children, the latest case for over 6 years.
• Was able to maintain a weight loss of 30 lbs for nearly a year.
• Lost at least 20 lbs three different times. . . . only to re-gain all the lost weight (sometimes plus more).

OK, so 2009 wasn't a particularly great year for me, but the aughts were certainly a good decade!

I note in passing that when I was 20 years old, I authored a list entitled "Things to Do Before I Die" . . . . a Bucket List, if you will. During the 00s, I accomplished a few of the items on my list: owning a purebred golden retriever; visiting Ireland; paying off my undergrad student loan; learned to play the piano; and last, but by no means least, marrying "a man who truly loves and respects me."

(I should post my Bucket List here sometime. . . . it'd be good for a chuckle.)

Twenty Questions

216.8

I ran across this email while clearing out my email folders. Someone I met on the sparkpeople message boards asked me to answer these questions for some college class project she was doing. I enjoyed re-reading my answers, and I don't think they'd be much different today if I filled this out. I thought others might enjoy reading them, too. (I added the parts in brackets today before posting this.)

Twenty Questions

Sunday, June 15, 2008 5:42 PM

From: "S"

To: xy123@yahoo.com

1. At what point did you decide what you would do with your life?

I'm not sure that I have decided! I have had two careers so far: first as a hospital nurse, now as a lawyer. Being a nurse was fulfilling in the sense that I provided an invaluable service to people, but I didn't feel it was a good fit for me. I really love working as a lawyer, but being a lawyer has made it more difficult for me to achieve balance between my personal and my working lives.I'm not sure that I'll continue doing what I do now until I retire. And I think that's OK.

2. Did a pivotal sign tell you that you were on the right track?

No.

3. Did you have to make any sacrifice to pursue what you do?

To go to law school, I had to incur an additional $60,000+ in student loans above what I was already paying for undergrad, plus take three years out of the workforce.

4. Are there important things that you haven't done yet?

Yes! The primary one that I think about all the time is being a mother. There are also hobbies I'd like to pursue and places I'd like to visit. I hope I will live long enough to do these things!

5. What do you wish you had known as a young woman that would have further advanced your life by this point?

That it's OK to be unsure about where I'm headed and to be open to advice and inspiration from unexpected sources.

6. What was your favorite part of your twenties? What was your least favorite part?

My favorite part of my 20s was finally being an adult and getting to know myself, my strengths and my weaknesses.My least favorite part was that I was solely responsible for my choices and their consequences. (Though this could also be viewed as a positive, depending on one's perspective.)

7. Do you believe that you are following your destiny, or that you have found your life's purpose?

I don't know. I do know that my current career "plays to my strengths" much more than my previous career, and I enjoy it. I wouldn't say I'm passionate about it, though, in the way I think one would be if it was her "life's purpose."

8. Of the painful happenings in your life, which would you wish to keep?

Strange to say, but all of them. Overcoming those obstacles has helped to make me into the person I am today.

9. Why do you think there is so much fear and jealousy in the world?

I think part of fear and jealousy comes from a lack of self-confidence or self-love. If you believe in yourself and know that you are worthy, you will have no reason to doubt or to envy because you will know that the Universe will send you good things in Its own time.

10. Do you listen more to your heart than to your head?

I listen more to my head.

11. Do you trust others easily?

I'm middle-of-the-road on this. I will say that the more I've known people, the more skeptical I've become. I was more trusting at 20 than I am now.

12. How important was money in your career choice?

When I chose nursing, money was only important to the extent that I thought it would be more likely than not that I wouldn't have to face long periods of unemployment as a nurse; I knew it wasn't a lucrative field.

When I chose the law, money was a bit more of a consideration. . . . mostly because I had to borrow a fairly significant sum to pursue a second career and wanted it to be financially worthwhile.

13. What annoys you most?

People who are stupid or just don't get it. . . . who make no effort to learn or improve.

14. What are some of the things that you wish someone would have told you as a young woman?

Never settle. It's OK to have high standards, but realize that not everyone who comes into your life will be able to meet them.

Know yourself. Until you truly know yourself, no one else can really get to know you.

Enjoy the journey. It sounds cheesy, but most of the best things that have happened to me in my life were a result of serendipity or of things not going the way I had planned.

Don't worry too much about what other people think. Ultimately, you are the one you will have to face every day in the mirror, so care more about what YOU think.

[Truth be told, I probably wouldn't have listened to anyone who had told me these things when I was younger.]

15. How important do you think it is for people to have mentors? Who were yours?

I think how important a mentor is depends upon the individual person. I don't think I've ever really had a mentor, and I seem to have done OK for myself.

16. Do you feel you have a fulfilled personal life? Do you consider your career to be part of your personal life?

Aside from the fact that I am not a mother, I think my personal life is pretty fulfilled. I have many good, close friends; my parents are still living, and I have a good relationship with each of them; I am close to my sister and have an adorable 19-month-old [now 3-year-old] nephew; and I have a wonderful boyfriend [now husband] with whom I am building a future. Also, I have a wonderful dog [two wonderful dogs now] who enriches my life every day just be being himself.
I also get a sense of fulfillment from volunteering. I have volunteered as an advocate for children in foster care since 2002. If work allowed me more time to do so, I would also want to volunteer with my dog as a therapy team. (I've gone so far as to seek out an organization and training for this, but haven't found the time to actually get involved.)

I do NOT consider my career to part of my personal life. I rarely socialize with anyone from work outside work hours, although several of my friends are lawyers by virtue of the fact that I met them in law school.

17. If you could instantly have one talent, what would it be?

I would like to be able to read people well.

18. How much attention do you pay the rest of the world?

Probably slightly more than the average American, based on what I've read, but not a lot. I tend to stay pretty focused on what is going on in my own life and my own community vs. the world at large.

19. What lessons do you think you still have to learn?

Lots. There are still many things about myself that I want to improve. I'd like to be more organized, healthier (through better eating & exercise), and less critical of others.

20. What is your favorite mode of communication and why?

Talking because it comes easily to me and I can usually make myself best understood in that way. I find that the written word sometimes has the potential for misunderstandings. I consider myself to be a good writer, but when you talk to someone, you can observe their reactions and body language and tell whether you are communicating effectively.

P.S. When I was in my 20s, friends who were slightly older used to tell me that the 30s were the "best decade yet." To be honest, I thought they were full of crap, but now that I am 37, I believe it's true. I spent so much of my 20s trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be (my parents, my boyfriends, my friends & peers) and feeling uncertain about the path I should be taking.Now that I am 37 [38], I realize that I am far from perfect, but I know myself--the good and the bad--and because of this self-knowledge, I am able to try to be the best ME I can and to fully engage with other people.
In my 30s, I also care a lot less about what most people think of me. I do what I think is right, and I value the opinions of a handful of close friends and family members. The rest of the world's opinions don't matter much to me.

This feels wrong. . . .

I am listening to the Twilight Original Motion Picture Soundtrack. Lest you think I would purchase such a thing for myself, allow me to explain: I bought it as a birthday gift for M, the little girl on whose case I am a CASA. I felt it my duty to listen to make sure that none of the song lyrics were explicit or inappropriate for a 10-year-old before giving it to her.

I actually like all the music on here. I may have to rip some (all?) songs to iTu.nes before I give this to M.

Hi, my name is S. I am 38 years old, and I like the Twilight soundtrack.

P.S. Resolution #6 is going resoundingly well; I have emptied the sink before bedtime the past three nights. Because I am back at work today, tonight will be the real test.

2010 Resolutions

Yeah, I'm going to make some resolutions this year. At the risk of coming across negative and defeatist, I want to (semi-) publicly admit that some of these are resolutions I have made before and failed to fulfill. But you know the old Japanese saying: fall down seven times, get up eight. I'll never achieve any of these goals by throwing up my hands in defeat.

Without further ado, here are the six changes I would like to make this year, in no particular order:

1. Make exercise a regular daily habit.
2. Eat at least 5 servings of fruits and/or vegetables each day.
3. Pay off my (relatively small but nagging) credit card debt.
4. Save the money to buy the diamond stud earrings I've wanted for over 10 years.
5. Spend at least 5 minutes each evening tidying up the common living areas in our home.
6. Make sure the kitchen sink is empty each night before going to bed.

I am already on the right path to achieving #3 & 4, and if I stick to the plan I've figured out for each--and no unexpected financial crises arise--I should be able to achieve both by the end of 2010. For #1, 2, 5 & 6, I am going to use the 6 changes method.

In the interest of starting small and simple, I plan to tackle #6 first. My hope is that success in forming one habit will breed more success in forming others. Wish me luck!

2009 Retrospective

(I have been working on this post for weeks. Given the year I've had, I found it a bit difficult to complete. Because tomorrow is the last day of the year, I finally managed to finish it today. Bring on 2010!)

Top ten things that happened in my life this year (in no particular order)

1. Visited NYC with MM (his first time visiting the city)
2. Learned to play the piano
3. Was a godmother for the first (& second) time
4. Adopted a second golden retriever
5. Experienced my first severe dog bite (ironically, from my own dog)
6. Had my first-ever MRI
7. Celebrated my first wedding anniversary with MM
8. Visited the White House (finally, on my ninth or tenth trip to DC)
9. Tried acupuncture for the first time
10. Spent one whole weekend relaxing at a local resort (something I'd long wanted to do)

Top ten things that I would like to do (or see happen) in 2010 (not listed in order of importance or likelihood)

*1. Become more routine-oriented
2. Change jobs
*3. Visit Rowan at least three times (this was on my list for 2009, and I fell short of my goal and only saw the little guy twice this year)
*4. Lose weight (on the list again)
*5. Get more organized at home (this one, too)
*6. Get pregnant
7. If I can't get pregnant, achieve acceptance, peace and serenity about this fact.
8. Hike more often
9. Take a cruise
*10. Write a first chapter for a novel

(*NOTE: I find it more than a little troubling that six of these are the same as on last year's list)

Ten lessons I learned in 2009 (in no particular order):

1. There are some "goals" that cannot be achieved, no matter how hard I work.
2. The universe likes to f$%^ with me. (I actually knew this already, but this year reminded me.)
3. Nothing in my life ever seems to happen when it should; I seem to be perpetually out of sync, for reasons that are a mystery to me.
4. It is folly to devote the majority of one's energy to achieving something which is not necessarily the result of hard work and doing everything "right."
5. Marrying MM was one of the best decisions I've made.
6. No matter how long you've known someone, it's OK to end the friendship if the relationship is consistently one-sided.
7. Even when I'm sure I know what's going to happen in a given situation, sometimes I end up being wrong.
8. Some things are more fun in the abstract or in retrospect than they are when you're actually doing them.
9. It *is* possible for me to have more books available to me than I can read in a reasonable period of time.
10. Mexican food in Arizona just doesn't taste as good as Mexican food in New Mexico.

Is it just me?

Just wondering how many of you keep track of whether the people to whom you send holiday cards send you one back. And if you do keep track, how long would you continue to send a card to someone who did not reciprocate?

To clarify, I am not talking here about people who are an active part of my day-to-day life and that I talk to regularly. I'm talking more about friends and extended family members with whom I was once close but now only correspond with occasionally at Christmas or on birthdays and haven't actually spoken with in years.

A very anal-retentive friend of mine told me a few years ago that she tracked this and dropped people from the list if they didn't send a card for two consecutive years. Because my own list had grown by leaps and bounds over the years because of my many moves and the friends I'd met along the way, I decided to track this, too. . . . but I always feel a little funny about "cutting" people from the list. I have gotten rid of a few people over the past few years, and there have been no ill effects from it that I've noticed.

Also, on a somewhat related note. . . . there are a few people on my list who normally send me a card who did not this year. (Again, people with whom I am not in regular, consistent contact.) I know one of them has a wife who is nine months pregnant, so I am cutting them some slack, but I can't figure out why the other two couples skipped me this year. One of them I have known the wife for twenty years, and we have exchanged cards nearly that entire time (and are friends on Fac.eb.ook).

Hmmmm . . . .

My husband says I am giving this way too much thought and that I shouldn't care whether people send me/us cards. He is probably right. . . .

A few thoughts. . . . none of them deep

• Christmas week is not a good time to start (or re-start) an exercise program.
• I never enjoy green chile sauce made outside New Mexico. I should remember this and not order anything with green chile sauce in Arizona because I will invariably be disappointed.
• No one wanted to come back to work today.
• Over eight years after leaving the field of nursing, I am still having dreams about going home after a shift at the hospital and realizing I forgot to chart. PTSD anyone?
• Is it wrong that my in-laws give me better gifts than my own parents?
• I recently learned through Fac.ebo.ok that two friends from college who married women I thought were wrong for them are still married over 15 years later. . . while people I knew who seemed "perfect" for each other are divorced. Guess it just goes to show that you never know. . . .
  

Back on track (again)

217.0

It's so nice to start the work week on Monday morning after having had a truly fun and relaxing weekend for a change. Seems like lately I have been in the doldrums a lot, and my weekends have not been very enjoyable.

Friday afternoon was our office holiday party. This year it was lunch followed by a few hours of games at Dave & Buster's. It was a lot of fun!

After the party, I picked up my last few Christmas gifts: some small items for MM to supplement his "big" present. While at Old Navy buying him some boxers (which were on sale, woohoo), I noticed they had some GREAT sales and ended up buying a few things for myself as well.

Saturday morning I slept until I awoke naturally--10 hours in all--and then wrapped my remaining Christmas gifts and did some laundry. I had a mostly leisurely day: the most strenuous things I did besides laundry were Furminating the dogs and picking up their poo. I read and played on the computer and relaxed.

Saturday night we met friends for dinner at a teppan yaki place in Scottsdale. We don't see this couple often--not more than once every 2-3 months--but they are fun to hang out with. It was the wife's 40th birthday, so we also went to a couple of bars afterward. Fortunately, the birthday girl was nearly passed out by 10:00, and we were able to make an earlier-than-expected exit. Sadly, I am too old to stay our late anymore. . . ah well.

Sunday morning, I got up a little early to go hiking with my friend V in the Superstition Mountains east of Phoenix. I haven't hiked at all since the weather has finally been cool enough, and I hadn't seen V much in the past few months. It was a BEAUTIFUL hike, and the weather was absolutely perfect: sunny, around 70, an occasional slight breeze. I definitely want to return to that area and hike more trails there; it is about six miles off the main road via an unpaved road, so it is a little remote. . . which meant fewer people on the trails and near-absolute quiet. I love that feeling that I am totally away from civilization.

V and I had lunch after our 3-hour hike, and I got home just in time to relax for a little while before getting ready to go see the luminarias at the Desert Botanical Garden. Having grown up in New Mexico, I *love* luminarias, so I was really looking forward to this event, and it did not disappoint. (MM even ended up enjoying it, though he only went to humor me.) We followed the luminarias with a visit to one of MM's favorite pizza places, and that was our evening.

Between trying on clothes Friday, thinking about my own upcoming 40th birthday (which is 15 months from today) and hiking Sunday, I began thinking--once again, for the bajillionth time--over the weekend about getting back on the healthier-eating-and-regular-exercise track. Actually, this topic is one that is never far from my mind. . . even when I'm doing little/nothing about it.

Today my gym bag is packed, and I intend to go to the gym after work today. It will be the first time I've been to the gym in about a month. Not sure how much cardio I will do, because I am just not feeling all *that* energetic, but I do want to get back on a regular weight lifting program, so I am going to start that today. I am going to lift weights three days a week and plan to gradually add in some cardio on my "rest" days as well.

Eating-wise, I am not off to a great start, having had nothing to eat at home and settling for a breakfast sandwich from Star$$ (though I did forgo my caffe mocha in favor of just coffee with cream & Spl.enda), but I did bring my lunch and plan to pick up a salad somewhere for dinner. Baby steps, I guess. I will have to make a trip to the grocery store sometime in the near future because I didn't go over the weekend.

So that's where I'm at. Guess I'm about two weeks ahead of most people this time in "resolving" to get fit. ;-)

I picked a good one

Last night after I went to bed, my wonderful husband booked us a trip to Vegas for the weekend of my birthday. I love going to Las Vegas, though I can only spend 3-4 days there and only wliketo go no more often than once a year. . . . for me, a little Vegas goes a long way. ;-)

We are going to stay in a SUITE at Mandalay Bay, reserve a cabana by the pool for one whole day, and go to see the Cirque du Soleil show "O" on my birthday! It should be a lot of fun.

And if MM gets lucky at the sports book, or I hit a jackpot on the slots, we may end up paying for the whole trip!

Yep, MM is definitely a keeper.

Lovely Monday

215.2

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last post. It was cathartic for me to get those thoughts down in writing. And talking with people who read it reminded me that, as bad as 2009 has been, it could have been a lot worse. I really do have more good than bad in my life, and I am fully aware of it. It's just that the bad has been so soul-sucking for a while that it's easy to lose sight of that fact.

I have written here at length about my current discontent (which does not stem from my marriage or any of the relationships in my life), and am not going to write any more about it today. It can most easily be summed up by saying that I am spending the majority of my time these days doing things I'd rather not do, or at least in a way I'd prefer not to do them, rather than spending my time doing things I want and achieving the goals I'd like to.

Anyway. . . . that's still where I'm at.

For reasons that are absolutely a mystery to me, I woke up feeling exhausted and with a headache this morning after 8 hours of sleep. I seem to wake up tired more days than not lately. {sigh}

Could I get a weekend do-over?

But despite my lack of verve, I have a lot of stuff to do. So I'd better get to it!

The Christmas letter I wanted to write

[Note: I would obviously never REALLY send this out as my Christmas letter. In years past, I have really enjoyed writing and sending a Christmas letter, but it was always with a positive spin. I didn't write one this year. Perhaps when you read what I've written here--in jest--you'll understand why.]

As usual, 2009 has been an eventful year.

In January, to kick off the new year, we embarked on a series of invasive testing at a well-respected local fertility clinic. After multiple canceled and rescheduled appointments with our very popular doctor, having been told that he could find nothing wrong with either of us except that my eggs are "old," I started using traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture in an attempt to achieve pregnancy without medical intervention. Three months later, after spending thousands of dollars and enduring weekly sessions with acupuncture needles and three-times-a-day teas with the foulest tastes and smells imaginable, we resigned ourselves to having to use the fertility clinic's services.

As you can see only MM, the dogs, and I here in our family photo, you have probably already guessed that, despite the months of fertility drugs and frustration and thousands of dollars spent, we are still childless. (And no, I am not pregnant in the photo, just fat.) In early August, just a couple of weeks after the dogs' overdose (more on that later), I got my first-ever positive pregnancy test, only to find out within the same day that I was having an early miscarriage. We hope it is not the only positive pregnancy test we will ever see, but who knows?

On a related note, I'd like to extend my congratulations to the twelve people who announced their pregnancies this year--one the day after my miscarriage was diagnosed--and the fifteen people we know who welcomed their first child into the world in 2009. And especial kudos to the two friends who managed to accomplish both the birth of a child AND another pregnancy this year! You know who you are. . . .

In February, in an attempt to preserve my sanity, I started a hobby I had long wanted to pursue: learning to play the piano. I took lessons for a few months until I had to quit them in July due to incurring over $5500 in vet bills in a short period of time (more about how that happened later).

In early March, my dog Sebastian went for his yearly check-up and was diagnosed with mitral valve insufficiency. His vet could not say how quickly his disease will progress to congestive heart failure, but it is incurable; only its symptoms can be treated when necessary.

Later in March, MM and I traveled to New York City where we spent a long weekend with my sister, brother-in-law and nephew in a beautiful luxury guest condo in Hoboken, just a short ferry ride across the river from Manhattan. MM enjoyed his first visit to the city, and it was great to spend some time with my little nephew Rowan again.

In April, I was honored to be asked to serve as a godmother for my friend C's son, W. MM was kind enough to attend the baptism, and it was the first time we had ever been in a church together.

We took a trip to San Antonio in May, where we visited with friends R and N and their toddler son, and spent a relaxing weekend at a local resort the first weekend in June.

In early May, we adopted a second golden retriever from Sebastian's rescue group. Hunter (pictured on the right in our photo) had been used as a stud in someone's backyard breeding operation and had never lived in a house prior to coming into the rescue group's care. After a period of bad health which included a bout of kennel cough and surgery for an ear flap hematoma, recovery from which was complicated by right-sided facial paralysis and skin excoriation from the bandages, by late June, Hunter was doing well.

Unfortunately, a couple of weeks after having the stitches taken out of his ear, Hunter broke a bone at the base of his tail in a collision with another dog. We did not realize the extent of his injury until he became aggressive with Sebastian. Once his fracture was diagnosed, he was put on two strong painkillers and was doing well, until one evening when I arrived home from work to discover that the dogs had overdosed on his NSAID painkiller. Both dogs required a trip to the emergency vet hospital and a 48-hour hospitalization on IVs with periodic lab work to prevent kidney and liver failure. Sebastian had to return to the vet less than 24 hours after discharge due to a suspected perforated ulcer, which was ruled out by a barium swallow study.

We were fortunate that Hunter's rescue group paid for his ear flap surgery and kennel cough treatment. Unlucky for us, we had to pay for his tail fracture and both dogs' overdose-related vet bills ourselves. As a result, I had to cut back on all unnecessary spending, and we had to table the idea of traveling anywhere fun for the holidays.

We also learned that Hunter is afraid of fireworks when he tried to claw his way through our front door and the surrounding drywall on July 4th while we were out at a friend's. We now know that he is also afraid of thunder and will react similarly to that type of noise. Bob the Handyman became our friend during his two trips to our home to repair the damage Hunter caused. What a nice guy!

Hunter and Sebastian are friends now and doing fine, thanks to some help from dog trainer Brad, who came to our home to work with them during a period in July when they were fighting and we thought they might kill one another. After getting bitten on the arm while breaking up their first middle-of-the-night tussle, I developed a huge hematoma on my right arm that led to multiple doctors' visits and even an MRI when pain in my arm persisted and a small lump in my forearm never went away. (My arm is much better now, though I still have some deep scarring.)

September saw us traveling to the DC area for vacation and to attend Rowan's baptism. We got to visit with my law school friends W and his wife, and K and her husband and two toddlers, while we were there. We did a lot of sightseeing and had a great trip. It may be our last trip to DC for a while because my sister is relocating.

In the current state of the economy, we are glad to report that MM and I are both still employed at the same jobs as last year. We managed to make it to our first wedding anniversary in November without infidelity, divorce, death or other catastrophe. I continue to volunteer as a CASA and now also manning the information line for the goldens' rescue group. MM continues to say that if/when we win the lottery, he will donate 90% of the money to charity.

Our parents are all still around, despite my father-in-law's bouts of diverticulitis and shingles, my mother-in-law's back and hip pain, my dad's many chronic health problems, and my mom's quirkiness and frequent cross-country travel. We see the M's regularly, we just visited my father and stepmother in Las Cruces for Thanksgiving, and my mom spent nearly three months at our house last winter and will be returning in February 2010.

We will be spending Christmas at home, licking our wounds. (Just kidding.)

All our best for a joyful holiday season.

M & S

The Boys

Here is a photo I considered sending out in the Christmas cards rather than taking a "family" photo. However, MM said that, as pathetic as it is to send out photos of us with our dogs, it would be even more pathetic to send out photos of the dogs alone.


I took this picture of the boys the day after Sebastian's recent 8th birthday. The occasion was not just his birthday but also that they had been to the groomer that day (note the black-and-orange Halloween bow visible on Sebastian's collar).

Hunter is on the left and Sebastian is on the right. Aren't they handsome?

Happy Holidays

My sister suggested I share our Christmas card photo on the blog, so here it is.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the B-M household. (Sebastian has the red bow; Hunter has the green.)

Holiday Cheer

In the interest of posting something a little more upbeat, I bring you our holiday decorating, such as it is. . . . .


Isn't our tree little? It is artificial; we bought it 50% off at the local hardware store just before Christmas last year. Neither of us wants anything bigger--there just isn't space--and we don't want to hassle with a real tree and its pine needle shedding.

Note the tree skirt. It is satin with hand-sequining and was made by MM's now-deceased paternal grandmother.


A close-up of one of my favorite ornaments. Two guesses on where/when we bought this surfing Santa. . . .


Here's another ornament I bought on clearance at Hallmark after Christmas last year. I like it 'cause it has a little wedding photo of us in it. (The ornaments visible to the right are a couple of the Wizard of Oz-themed ones MM has had since childhood. His mom gave us all his ornaments after we got married; there are too many to fit on this tree!)