I never post here anymore

Apologies to anyone who still checks this blog. Between my new job, which blocks blogger, and another blog I write, I don't post much here anymore.

Ironically enough, though, I am making some progress on weight loss. My sister and I have been following the Metabolism Miracle program for the past 5+ weeks. I weighed 222.2 when we started and 207.8 this morning, so I have lost 14.4 lbs so far. I've also been doing a 3-times-a-week morning "boot camp" and doing basic yoga on three other days.

Just wanted to post to say I'm still alive and finally tackling my weight problem again.

Not about the scale

219.0

I have been "eating clean" for over a week, and I have to say, I am feeling great. My energy level is generally higher, with no ups and downs during the day; I wake up feeling refreshed, not sluggish; even when I have a headache, I don't feel like I just want to crawl in bed (unless it's a bad migraine); I have had no heartburn or GI upset whatsoever. I'm only hungry at appropriate times--i.e., when I haven't eaten for a few hours--and I'm never STARVING and have had no food cravings.

My eating has not been perfect. I could probably stand to get in more servings of veggies, and I haven't worked much yet on limiting my portions. But progress not perfection.

Despite the improvement in my eating habits, the scale hasn't really moved much. And you know what? That's OK.

Yeah, of course I would like to lose weight. I am about 70 lbs overweight by a conservative measurement (top end of my weight range, or highest BMI which isn't "overweight"). I think I am coming to the realization, though, that I like eating this way for other reasons aside from trying to be thinner.

I like the way I've been feeling physically. I know it is beneficial to my health in other ways besides promoting weight loss. I believe that, long term, eating this way will lead me to have a lower risk of heart disease and fewer migraines.

One thing I have learned about my body over the years is that it is next to impossible for me to lose weight through diet change alone. In order to lose weight, I must also exercise. I know this is not the case for everyone, but I've known this about myself for at least 10 years, so it's no surprise.

I think I am on the right track with changing my eating habits for the better. That's not to say that I am "cured" of making poor food choices. I'm sure there will be times when I will slip up and eat something processed or sugary or made with white flour. Right now, though, I am feeling good about the choices I am making, and I want to capture this feeling to motivate me to persevere when temptations and slips will inevitably come.

Now to get back on track with exercise. I hit the gym last night for a 25-minute elliptical workout and some upper body weights. It wasn't much, but it's a start.

And what do you know--after my workout, I felt FANTASTIC.

Solid

219.0

The number above is solid; I have seen it, or something just marginally higher, the past three mornings. It's a modest decrease, but I'll take it.

I am really liking this clean eating thing, and so far, I am not feeling deprived. I had lunch with my BFF Saturday and had sliced mango for dessert (instead of my usual choice of brownie a la mode). I was able to stick with my plan at dinner out that night despite MM's choice of the chocolate chunk pizzookie for dessert.

The one area which I haven't yet kicked into gear is exercise. Yesterday was literally the only day in over a week when I did not wake up with a headache or develop one within a few hours of waking up. Today I tried to power my way through without medication but had to give up the battle after about two hours for fear of my escalating headache.

I'm feeling motivated to re-start. I have more energy generally eating this way--which is interesting, because usually having headaches saps my energy--and I even checked out the gym in my work complex last Friday (thinking that the greater convenience might lead to my working out more regularly). But I just can't exercise when I have a headache. Doing anything which elevates my heart rate just makes my headaches worse, no matter what medication I've taken to control them.

Oh well; it is what it is. I am going to keep focusing on the eating piece until I get to a place where I can jump back into exercise. Maybe I will feel OK tomorrow and be able to go to the gym then.

Dear Universe

220.0 (OK, still UGH, but trending down)

Dear Universe,

If it is at all possible, could I please have one headache-free day this week? I know that the makers of Ad.vil, Ex.ced.rin, and aspirin need to stay in business, but I think I've done enough for them of late.

Maybe if I could actually spend one whole day without a headache, I could get back to the gym. Just sayin'.

Kthxbai.

Clean eating

219.6

The weight above is a blip, caused by dehydration and not eating much yesterday due to having a migraine all afternoon. I have been trending around 222-223 of late. Ugh.

A while back, I read this book. At the time I thought "Wow, this would be really great to try." But I didn't try it.

Starting today, I am trying it. I started the day with one of the most filling breakfasts I have ever eaten:

• 1/2 cup Ezekiel 4:9 cereal
• 7 oz Fage 2% yogurt
• 6 sliced strawberries
• 1 tbsp wheat germ
• 1 packet Stevia

I ate this breakfast nearly three hours ago and am still feeling full. The way I feel right now, I may never eat again. ;-)

Healthy, "clean" lunch and snacks are packed and ready to eat. I am skipping exercise today since I am still not 100% after migraines the past two days

We'll see how this goes. . . . .

Fear and (self-)loathing in Phoenix

221.2

Yep, you read that number correctly. My weight continues to creep up. I haven't been to the gym in at least a month. I'm back to eating 1-2 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, if that.

Most of my clothes are fitting tighter. There are a few pairs of pants I don't even wear to work anymore because they are too uncomfortable to sit in all day.

Today I woke up feeling anxious for no reason I could pinpoint, even before stepping on the scale. . . . a tight feeling in my chest, heart beating faster than normal, hard to take a good, deep breath. I caught sight of my a$$ in the mirror before getting in the shower and was totally disgusted. (I don't know how my poor thin husband can stand to look at me, let alone touch me.)

As I sit at my desk contemplating the work I need to accomplish today, I am on the verge of tears. Not sure what is wrong with me today.

I doubt anyone ever accomplished much by hating herself. But that seems to be where I'm at.

Oh, and if you want some positive talk about weight loss, visit this site. I stumbled across it a few months ago and have really enjoyed reading it. . . . not that it has motivated me to do anything about my own obesity.

(tap,tap) Hello? Is this thing on?

I seem to have (mostly) abandoned my blog. Too bad, as it was five years ago this month that I started it.

Even more sad: I am heavier today than the first time I posted. By a lot. Though I didn't post my weight for the first few months, the first post on which I did include my actual weight said I was 202.4 pounds (and I was horrified by this number).

This morning's weight was 18 pounds heavier than that. Yep, I tipped the scales at 220.4 this morning. Yikes.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm not recommitting today to improving my eating or to exercising. Even *I* am sick of hearing myself make the same old promises to myself to get in shape and be healthier and never keeping them, at least not in the longer term.

I guess I just wanted to check in and acknowledge my exceptional fatness and failure.