Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that you are a life-long chubby girl with a BMI over 30 who is married to a normal-weight man who, while he does exercise regularly, can and does eat whatever he wants.
Assume also that, while you are changing for bed and are naked, your husband gives you an appraising up-and-down look, followed by a negative look of disapproval? discontent? disgust?
Say you call him out on his looks and tell him that you don't appreciate his judging you and finding you lacking in some fashion. Let's say that you tell him that you weigh within 5 pounds of what you weighed on the day you first met him and that if he didn't want to be married to a fat woman, he shouldn't have married you.
Now let's say, for the sake of argument, that his initial response is to say that he was just noticing that you are looking "less toned" than you did "when you were working out every day and had lost a few pounds." And seeing that this comment got him nowhere fast, assume that he next resorted to denying that he had looked at you with disapproval or judgment and that he said he loved you and married you for "what's on the inside, which is so much more important."
Would this piss you off?
Hypothetically, of course.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Would this offend you?
Posted by S at 11:11 AM
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13 comments:
Yes, it would piss me off. Moreso, it would hurt my feelings. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, and you can't help but notice what you notice, but you CAN control the way you react to it, and the way it gets discussed. If he wanted to have a conversation with you about your health / weight / exercise habits (which is a whole OTHER can of worms in and of itself), there was certainly a more appropriate way of doing that.
I'm sorry.
I think it's healthier to be mad than sad though. I probaly would ahve just been sad, but that's my own special bag of bullshit.
(Also, I know this look -- because my mom does this to me everytime we're together. I'm clothed, but I might as well not be. I have a great mom, but my weight will always be an issue between us.)
Would it piss me off? No. Would it hurt me and crush my feelings to the very core? Without a doubt. Being pissed off is a helluva lot better than being hurt, in my opinion.
I have my own horrible experience with my weight affecting my relationships. When I met my ex-husband I was thinner, and over the years I put on a lot of weight. He continued to love me though, no matter what I looked like. However, that was over 10 years of being together. Now though? I have established in my new relationship my current weight and have actually gotten thinner since I met Thomas. BUT! Would he still love me if I gained weight? I have no doubt that he would. But would he be disappointed that I was no longer as attractive to him with the weight gain? More than likely.
You haven't changed much at all since you met and married your husband. I'm sure you gave him no guarantees that you would be super model thin within a certain time period of marrying him. You had already established a level of attractiveness from him to you and I don't see why the change of heart now. Especially since you haven't been married that long.
Oh and before I forget, here's the obligatory all men are dogs comment. ;)
There are many things that sort of behavior warrants. ....Hypothetically, of course.
and to prove that he loves you for who you are, he should get you flowers and your favorite chocolate...
It would totally hurt my feelings. If he had just said it WITHOUT the look of disgust, then that would be one thing. However, actions always speak louder than words and that would have stung like a bitch.
I'm sorry you had to feel that.
God yes it would piss me off. Because the same thing could have been said in an encouraging way - like when I was walking every day in our old neighborhood (which was totally hilly) and my husband noticed how much firmer my butt was. I assume this wasn't hypothetical, and I'm sorry that you had to experience this.
Of course, I hold grudges for ever, so I would likely point out his biggest flaw immediately and still be pissed (not that you shoudl proceed that way). I hope you've worked it out with him.
I agree with Hilly, although my husband has learned in our 14 years that my weight fluctuates and he better just STFU. My husband's weight has never moved more than about 7-8 pounds in his entire adult life.
I guess we're all humand and can't help what we feel....but to voice it and give you that look...would be crushing to me. It would take a while for me to get over that.
Hope you are stronger than me. I guess the fact that you are not writing this from prison proves that youare.
I'd be pissed off and probably in tears. I'm overly sensitive whenever my bf comments on my weight. I was only 15 when we met and I keep telling him I'll never have that 15 yr. old body again. Sometimes I feel bad for him that I've let myself get fat but I'm talking 100 pounds, not 5.
If I were only up five pounds and a little less toned I would tell him to s*ck it. I hope he's found a way to make it up to you.
Yes!
holy slap in the face! i would be beyond pissed and hurt!!
wow, i would really make him understand that what he did and said made him a real thoughtless, heartless, heel of a person. maybe he's not that way all the time - but in that moment - wow, thats seriously not acceptable.
i'm spluttering over here!
ok, it might be because i got that same sorta crap from my ex-h who was a triathelete. and i was and am a non-athlete. effer. so glad to be rid of that guy and how he made me feel.
i'm SO SORRY you were subjected to that.
i hope you taught him a lesson. i hope he learned it.
xoxo
Um, YES. I love my body, so if my intimate partner who I love and TRUST starts doing the "there's something wrong with you" routine then I have three choices: Tell him he needs to change his attitude or keep it to himself, say bye-bye to him, or start believing him and wreck my own self esteem for no good reason.
I'm choosing #1, Bob.
(Thanks for sharing this post, Hilly.)
It would (and has before) really hurt my feelings.
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