I'm back. . . .

217.8

MM and I returned from our vacation yesterday evening.  I had a great time!  It was wonderful seeing my sister and my nephew and spending time with them; I saw some new things in DC which I hadn't visited before, along with some old favorites (I love that city); I got to see two of my law school friends; and the weather was very good, with only one day of rain.

I will post some of the best of the photos I took when I get around to uploading and editing them.  Tonight, I hope.  I'll also talk about the sightseeing highlights of our trip for those who may be planning their own trip to DC and for preserving my memories of them.

It is possible that this trip to DC may be our last, at least for some time: my sister has been interviewing for an in-house counsel position with a major corporation which is headquartered in North Carolina.  She has been through two phone interviews so far and will be traveling to NC soon for a face-to-face panel interview.  Should she be offered and accept this position, they will be relocating to NC, giving us much less reason and opportunity to visit DC. 

Given my eating habits during our trip, I was pleasantly surprised to see the number on the scale this morning.  I am only slightly above the range where I've been hanging out for the past several months, and I know that I am retaining water because of the way my rings and shoes fit.  So on today's agenda, along with catching up at work and getting back into my routine, is water, water, water.  (I am already on my second 16-oz glass, and it's only 9:00 a.m. here.)

I've been wanting to become an early (or perhaps I should say "earlier") riser for some time, so this morning I took full advantage of the fact that my body clock is still set for the Eastern time zone.  I got up at 6:40 a.m.--which is probably not early for a lot of people, but many days I am in bed until 8:00--and took the goldens for a quick 20-minute walk in the neighborhood.  (They were full of pent-up energy: their dogsitter couldn't walk them on Saturday or Sunday because Hunter's collar mysteriously disappeared.)

I was at the office shortly before it opened at 8:30 a.m., coffee in hand and (relatively) healthful breakfast (apple slices and cheddar cheese cubes) eaten.  I had already sorted through my inbox of 164 email messages last night upon returning home, so I am now working through my paper inbox and reading and addressing the less than 40 emails that actually required a response or action from me.

I am wearing makeup and feel full of energy.  I should really do this getting up earlier thing more often!

I think MM is finally starting to rub off on me: I actually unpacked fully last night within an hour of our arrival at our house!  That is nearly unheard-of for me; often I still have packed bags a week or two after a trip, or at least until I need something I haven't unpacked.  I still need to do my laundry tonight, but it is sorted and just waiting to be stuck in the washer.

I feel refreshed and relaxed.  Wish I could take a week-long vacation once a quarter or so.  ;-)

Social networking

I am not on Tw.itt.er, but I am on Fac.ebo.ok and have been for over a year. I have to say that I am a little bit hooked on checking the site periodically throughout the day. (I also have a mild "Bejeweled Blitz" habit, which is one of the games on Fac.ebo.ok, for those who may not know.)

Somehow my list of "friends" has slowly grown until I now have over 300 people on there. I am actually more careful than many people I've talked to in the way I manage my Friends list, so I've been more than a little surprised to end up with that many people on the list. I don't accept requests from anyone unless I actually know the person. The mere fact that we went to the same high school or college or had mutual friends is not enough for me to accept a friend request from someone. There have been occasions when people have "friended" me and I have sent them a message asking how we are acquainted. . . . and we weren't. This astounds me, as I would never consider adding someone as a friend who I didn't even know. . . . but I am aware from talking to other "FB" users that this is not an uncommon practice.

Several of FB's features intrigue me. One is its friends suggestions which it terms "People You May Know." Over the months of using FB, I've discovered that usually it suggests people as friends if you and that person have mutual FB friends or attended the same schools. Interestingly, I have had it happen several times that two people on my Friends list who, as far as I knew, were totally unrelated are friends with the same person FB is recommending. Without exception, I don't know this third person, but I'm always surprised to find that two people who know me somehow know one another, independent of me, even though I can't guess how they might be acquainted. Guess that is a little of that whole "six degrees of separation" thing people talk about.

Another weird feature of FB is its ads. Some of the ads are obviously targeted at the user based on information contained in the FB profile: for example, I get a lot of ads for legal stuff. But oddly enough, I also get ads for "mom" stuff when I am clearly NOT a mom and have recently gotten ads for "Class of 1989" stuff when my profile lists 1988 as my graduating year. (I did skip a grade, so maybe those are targeted only based on date of birth.)

Friends of mine have gotten ads for weight loss, lesbian cruises, and teeth whitening, and in all cases, they were products that were neither indicated nor desired, i.e., a thin/normal-weight person got the weight loss ad; a married Mormon friend got the ad for the lesbian cruise.

Another thing that strikes me as odd when I stop and think about it is how FB allows "friends" to keep tabs on each other. I use the term "friends" in quotations here because let's face it: most of my FB "friends" are really more acquaintances. In fact, my BFF is not even on FB, and neither are a few of my other close circle of friends. I try to be mindful of this fact with everything that I post, from photos to status updates. While the majority of my friends in real life are liberals, or at least middle-of-the-road politically, many of my friends on FB are conservatives. So I have to think about whether a given post may offend them.

Also, my ex-fiance, SL, is on my Friends list, and the more I think about this, the more I think that accepting a friend request from him probably wasn't a good idea. Not only is he able to view selected wedding photos of mine and see other pictures of my husband, I now know that he recently accepted a new job and will be moving. . . . information that neither of us would have about the other but for FB.

On the other hand, I find it really fun to catch up with people from the past whom I hadn't talked with in years. My "oldest" friend on FB is a girl I met at band camp when I was 12, and I have made contact with at least 8-10 other people whom I hadn't talked to in over 15 years. (Interestingly, not as many people from high school in my case as you might think.)

I also enjoy reading the status updates of most of my "friends". . . . and the ones I don't enjoy, I use the "hide" feature on. ;-)

Anyway. Just some random thoughts.

I'd love to hear comments from anyone else who uses FB. What do you like and dislike about it? (And am I totally missing out by not being on Tw.itt.er?)

600 posts!?

Wow, who would have ever thought when I started this blog in January 2006 that I would still be writing it 600 posts later? Certainly not me! Though this blog is my first attempt at a *blog*, I had previously kept various journals and diaries and ended up abandoning them after only a few weeks or months. (That whole lack of self-discipline and routine thing again.)

I think what has encouraged me to continue writing here--apart from the obvious fact that I continue to struggle with my weight and with lack of organization--is the support I get from the people who read and comment on this blog. I rarely ever let anyone read my diaries or journals, and certainly not on a regular, ongoing basis. Here, other people read what I write, sometimes mere moments after I've written it, and I enjoy knowing that someone is interested and reading the comments I get.

In some ways, it's almost like therapy. To the extent that the people who are reading are not people who know me in real life, I feel that I am getting something of an "objective outsider's view" of my life via this blog. . . . at least the parts of my life which I choose to write about. (And believe me, this blog is disproportionately about the negative/difficult/challenging aspects of that life.) Blogging is a lot cheaper than therapy, though, and available 24/7/365.

So to those reading, thanks!

I am literally counting the hours until my vacation. MM and I leave just after 7:30 a.m. on Saturday for DC. (That's 65 hours from now, for anyone who's interested.) I am looking forward to my vacation on so many different levels. The only thing I am truly going to miss from my daily life? Yep, my golden boys. But I know that our dogsitter, Sheila, is going to take top-notch care of them in our absence.

I want to leave Phoenix, just for the change. I want to escape the heat. (Yesterday was the first day with a high under 100 in quite a while. . . . and it was 99 degrees.) I want to be away from work and all its responsibilities. I want to relax and spend one-on-one time with my husband. I can't wait to see my nephew, my sister, and my mother. (Yes, probably in that order.) I am excited about Rowan's baptism. I am looking forward to doing some sight-seeing and playing tourist for a few days. I'm particularly looking forward to finally seeing the inside of the White House at last, after 8-9 prior visits to DC. I want to see the pandas and gorillas at the National Zoo. I'm psyched about seeing my friend W from law school after five years and finally meeting his wife of nearly three years. I'm excited to see my friend K and her little ones and see how much they've grown since I saw them last in April. I'm even looking forward to all the forced "down time" on the plane when I can get some reading done.

Yeah, I'd say I'm definitely in need of a vacation. ;-)

I've had a lot of thoughts floating around in my mind since my post on Monday about my frustration about my weight and my continued lack of motivation to take charge and make lasting changes that would lead me to better health. For now, I think I am just going to let them percolate in there for a little longer before I write about them here. For me, I find that a change of scene often helps me to achieve greater clarity about things. I'm optimistic that that will be the case here as well. (Plus, my mom tells me my sister has lost quite a bit of weight, and I am not entirely un-competitive with my 2-years-younger sis. hee hee)

I now have less than 65 hours left to do everything I need to do before I can leave. So I'd better get crackin'.

What will it take?

217.4

I am still failing at eating better. I did exercise three times last week, so I guess that counts for something. . . . though actually it is still less than the four times a week which my PCP recommended over a year ago due to my high cholesterol and I'm sure is not enough to counter my poor food choices.

I didn't make HORRIBLE choices this weekend, but ate more than I should've--including dessert twice on Saturday and on Sunday--and, as usual, didn't get in enough fruits and veggies.

Not sure what it'll take to motivate me to do better. Will I have to actually have a heart attack or be diagnosed with diabetes before I will change? Given my family history, there is a better than even chance of either or both happening. What the hell is wrong with me?

[sigh]

Well, on the organizational front, things are looking up. My deal with KC to spend two Saturdays a month decluttering & organizing--one at her place, one at mine--is paying off. Not only did we clean out my home office last weekend, we cataloged her 200+ DVDs this past Saturday.

I often find that decluttering and organizing inspires me to do more of the same, and this time was no different: I sorted through a stack of papers which had been awaiting my attention for months yesterday and actually put away the four loads of laundry I did. (OK, not exactly revolutionary, but more than I usually do on a weekend.) In a perverse way, I wish I weren't going to be out of town the next two weekends so that we could forge ahead. Alas, I must wait until 10/10 to do another session at my place. I've already made plans to tackle the garage (which actually isn't awful, compared to many I've seen).

All in all, I had quite a good weekend. As usual, I didn't get as much as I would've liked, but I was reasonably productive and had some fun. Went out for pizza with MM on Friday night after work, and in our absence, there was a lot of thunder in our area (though no rain). Hunter freaked out and tried to claw out the front again, but the damage is less than last time, and I think I will repair it myself when return from vacation. (Poor poochie.)

Saturday I got up EARLY (for me, anyway) and met blogging friend L for a 0630 walk with the goldens. I then read blogs and Fac.eb.ook and just generally relaxed before leaving for KC's house. Saturday night we had dinner with my friend C and her husband and son, which was a lot of fun. Baby W is 8 months old now and was in a very cheerful, happy mood.

Sunday MM and I both intended to work for a few hours at our respective offices. To make a long story short, plans changed, and we ended up going shopping instead. MM bought a nice new dress shirt for Rowan's baptism, and I bought a few shirts for myself, two for work, and the rest for our trip to DC. We had dinner with his parents in the evening and watched the season finale of True Blood when we got home.

This week will be mostly the usual routine. Workwise, most of my time will be devoted to completing everything necessary so that I can be out of the office for my vacation next week. My gym bag is packed, and I intend to work out this evening. As usual, my goal is to work out at least four times this week; let's see if I reach it.

The more things change. . .

. . . the more they stay the same.

I was thinking today that it has been a year this week since we closed and moved into our house. Hard to believe that it's already been a year!

This week two years ago, MM contacted me for the first time via match.com, and we hadn't even had our first phone conversation yet, let alone met face-to-face. The biggest event of the week was that I'd cut my left index finger, requiring stitches.

This week three years ago, my fiance at the time (not MM, "SL") was interviewing for a better-paying job (which he ended up getting), and things were looking good, apart from my weight (which was in the 220s then). In a blog post that week, I was bemoaning my weight and my lack of motivation to do anything about it, despite the fact that I was engaged and planning a wedding.

In many ways, my life has changed a lot in the past three years. I'm living in a different city, working at a different job (still a lawyer, but private practice is a big change from government prosecution), and am married to a man I didn't even know two years ago, let alone three. I wasn't even an auntie yet three years ago 'cause Rowan was still in utero and wouldn't make his arrival into the world until about two months later. I now own a home and have a second golden retriever.

But in some ways, my life is the same. I'm still trying to become more organized at home and at work. I still find it hard to wake up in the mornings most days and waste WAY too much time playing computer games and surfing the internet. (Though blogs and Fac.ebo.ok are a much bigger part of my internet time than they were three years ago.) Most notably, I am still struggling with my weight.

They say that with age comes wisdom. Though I believe I *have* acquired some wisdom as I've aged--more through life's experiences than through the mere passage of years--it seems that there is still a disconnect between knowing what is right and must be done and actually doing it.

(Today's weight: 217.8)

The good, the bad and the ugly

The good:

**KC helped me "declutter" my home office on Saturday and unpack all the boxes left over from our move a year ago. I got rid of two boxes of stuff (Goodwill), threw away one kitchen trash bag full of various things, and found numerous items that had been missing since our move (including, but not limited to, my passport and birth certificate, some cords/chargers, and the CD and instruction book for Adobe Photoshop Elements).
**I had a good visit with M in Tucson yesterday and was glad that my friend M and her daughter were able to join us.
**It was very nice to have a three-day weekend.
**Hunter successfully completed his basic obedience class, mastering all the commands and earning a certificate.
**I found out this morning that MM and I were approved for our long-awaited White House tour! We have tickets for Tuesday, 9/22.
**I am very much looking forward to our vacation! We leave on Saturday, 9/19.

The bad:
**I missed work on Friday due to a migraine and have been fighting a headache off and on today.
**Due to missing Friday at work, I am already behind on my billable hours for this month and it's only the 8th. And I will have little opportunity to make them up due to our upcoming vacation which will encompass two weekends of the month.

The ugly:
**The scale. I hate to even post the number here. Suffice it to say, it is more than when I/we started this most recent weight loss challenge, which I have not even been working.
**My body. Seriously, it's looking bad. I've only worked out twice in the past two weeks, and my eating has left much to be desired.
**I realized over the weekend that I may well need to shop for a dress for Rowan's baptism. Nothing like shopping for a special occasion outfit when I'm looking and feeling particularly fat. . .

Follow up

Thanks to all of you who took the time to read and to comment on my "Would this offend you?" post a few days ago. Your comments reaffirmed for me that I was NOT being overly sensitive and had every right to call my husband out for his behavior. (Yes, the "lifelong chubby girl" is me.)

Even though my husband thinks blogging is "weird" and has never read a single entry on my blog, he was troubled to learn that I had posted an entry about our exchange the other night because he thinks it "makes [him] look like an a$$hole." Ahem. He couldn't precisely articulate for me why he cares about the thoughts and opinions of the people who read my blog, most of whom he has never met (though I acknowledge that some people I know in real life, including my sister, read this blog), but in any event. . . .

He did not prompt me to write this post, but I think in the interest of presenting a balanced picture, I should say that we talked at some length about what happened the other night, how I felt about it, and how he can act in future to avoid hurting my feelings. To be fair, MM is not usually that inconsiderate; in fact, there have been numerous occasions over the almost two years we've known each other when he could have said or done something derogatory in regard to my weight and has refrained from doing so. He is generally complimentary of my appearance, too, when warranted.

I have no doubt that MM loves me, that he is attracted to me, and that he values our relationship. I truly think that what transpired the other night was the result of two things: having never had a weight problem himself, MM really doesn't "get it," and the fact that he is not enough of a dissembler to hide his feelings or lie.

He was genuinely surprised at how upset I was about this, and though I'm still not entirely sure that he gets the whole weight/body image issue--after all, he is a slim, fit male--I doubt I will see a repeat of his behavior or comments.

By saying this, I guess I have provided all the information possible to assure you, gentle readers, that my husband is not, in fact, an a$$hole.

Carry on. . . .

Peeves & Pleasures 3

Thursday again; time for another installment. I'd love to have you share your peeves & pleasures with me in the comments, if you'd like.

In my continuing efforts to seek balance, I always post an equal number of peeves and pleasures, but I will say that I have had an easier time thinking of pleasures than peeves these past two weeks. That's gotta be a good sign.

PEEVES

**The odd fascination people in the U.S. have with large families, especially those with high-order multiples (sextuplets, etc.)

**The way news channels report the same sh1t over and over and over, ad nauseum, until I don't even care anymore

**Incorrect calendar entries at work that make me panic that I've missed a deadline when I haven't

**Being ignored

PLEASURES

**Discovering a new author

**An unexpected check in the mail

**Faraway friends

**The sounds of a summer storm

Would this offend you?

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that you are a life-long chubby girl with a BMI over 30 who is married to a normal-weight man who, while he does exercise regularly, can and does eat whatever he wants.

Assume also that, while you are changing for bed and are naked, your husband gives you an appraising up-and-down look, followed by a negative look of disapproval? discontent? disgust?

Say you call him out on his looks and tell him that you don't appreciate his judging you and finding you lacking in some fashion. Let's say that you tell him that you weigh within 5 pounds of what you weighed on the day you first met him and that if he didn't want to be married to a fat woman, he shouldn't have married you.

Now let's say, for the sake of argument, that his initial response is to say that he was just noticing that you are looking "less toned" than you did "when you were working out every day and had lost a few pounds." And seeing that this comment got him nowhere fast, assume that he next resorted to denying that he had looked at you with disapproval or judgment and that he said he loved you and married you for "what's on the inside, which is so much more important."

Would this piss you off?

Hypothetically, of course.

Random Tuesday

216.4 (darned late snack!)

Lazy entry today.

Oh, and for those who may be wondering how the golden boys are doing. . . . they are wonderful! Peacefully co-existing and even occasionally play-wrestling with one another. Only one fight in the past several weeks, and that was caused by our own stupidity. (We gave them each a rawhide chew, and Hunter decided he wanted Sebastian's, too, and was willing to take it by force.) Hunter is excelling in his basic obedience class; this Saturday is the last class. He has learned sit, stay, down, heel and "free" as his release word. Sebastian is his usual mellow self.

MEME

Outside my window…blue sky, trees, and the occasional little bird.
I am thinking…that I should get off the internet and get back to my document review.
From the kitchen…I can see a little sliver of mountain.
I am creating…order out of chaos. (Not really, but it sounds good!)
We are going…to visit my sis & co. in the DC area two weeks from Saturday!
I am reading…a novel by Georgette Heyer, my first by her (she is one of my BFF's favorite authors)
I am praying…for various things, though I don't really believe that it helps.
I am hearing…people talking outside my office
Around the house…there is a TON of tumble fur (aka dog hair) again, even though we just vacuumed and Furminated both dogs on Sunday
A few plans for the rest of the week…gym tonight, deposition tomorrow, decluttering with BFF on Saturday. Three-day weekend coming up!