Thursday, December 18, 2008

You can't always get what you want

In my life, I can't say that I've always gotten my way. It's a rare person who gets her way all the time. And I'm not sure living that way would be healthy.

I *can* say, though, that most everything I've wanted to achieve, I've achieved once I made up my mind that I'd try to do it. Sure, I've had dreams that I've allowed to fall by the wayside--for example, I long ago thought that I wanted to be a doctor--but by and large, when I've set out to do something, I've done it.

The things that have always been most difficult for me are those things that are elusive, that you can't do much to "get." Things like friendship, love and happiness. Even there, though, I believed that I could take affirmative steps in a direction that might lead me to those things, and I did. I changed careers so that I'd feel more satisfied at work and hopefully therefore happier with my life. I've moved. I've gone out of my way to meet people and to date.

Though you can't make someone be a friend, I am fortunate to have many people in my life today who deservedly bear the title. In that area of my life, I am blessed beyond what I probably deserve. Despite the elusiveness of both love and happiness, I eventually found both. I love MM and have a wonderful relationship (and now marriage) with him. I am happy with my life.

Now, though, I am in pursuit of something that is turning out to be equally elusive. . . . and just like I did when searching for love and happiness, I am having a devil of a time accepting that this is not something that I can "get." I guess I am too much of a controller or a concrete thinker or something. I find it next to impossible to "let things happen" or to "just relax" or "let go and let God." Pick your phrase: no matter how you word it, I am not a passive person who can accept the will of the universe.

But I need to be. I need to learn to "accept the things I cannot change."

I'll be damned if I know how to do it. . . .


Land family said...

Forgive me if you've already posted this (I can't remember), but have you talked to a dr yet? You're still young enough. I'd say you have anywhere between 3 and 5 years before things get rough. If you know this is what you want, why wait?

Waiting is very hard. And it sucks. That whole game destroyed my husband's first marriage, it's just too hard emotionally.

I hope you can become a mother too. It's an experience unlike any others. And I think people who own pets make good parents.

Wyatt & Co. said...

I know you might not rationally believe that you should do what you *might* have to do to get to motherhood, but the desire for a child is irrational. It is a desire that I think is greater than almost any desire. The heart wants what is wants, right? I just found out today that one of my friend's sister is at 20 weeks after having her SIXTH IVF! I don't think I could ever do that, but I can now totally understand how she would get there. And I am so happy for her. It can be an all consuming obsession that rational thoughts can't control. Friend's sisters infertility problem was on the husband's side, so never assume it is just your age. Anyway, I think if you want motherhood you should give it a try and soon. I will think positive thoughts for you two.

Kristi Marie said...

*Hugs* I don't have the words, but I wanted to know you're in my thoughts, and as someone who truly considers you a remarkable person, woman, and friend - I wish you could get what you want.