Monday, December 15, 2008

What do you think?

I am annoyed with a friend (who I will call D) and wanted to get the opinions of objective outsiders about my situation. She is one of my friends who is not very active on the internet, so I know she doesn't read this blog; she wouldn't even know how to find it! So I feel safe in posting this, knowing that she won't see it.

D has yet to acknowledge our marriage! She has not emailed, texted, called, sent a card. . . nothing. Even though she's known for months that it was going to happen and when. Since I got home, she has sent me two text messages: one a week ago Saturday (12/6) to tell me her middle son placed 2nd in a race he ran, and one last Wednesday to tell me that her period arrived 3 days early (we are usually on the same cycle schedule and both of us are currently off the pill). But nothing about our wedding or the fact that I got married.

By way of background, D and I have been friends for over 20 years. I attended her first wedding in 1995, and I flew two states away and took a day off work (on a Friday) to attend her second wedding this past February. She has three children--now aged 12, 10, and 8--and I spent a week at her house helping her with each of them within the first few months of their lives. I also spent a week taking care of them after she had surgery several years ago.

D has a history of being self-centered--many of our conversations over the years have involved my listening to her problems with her husband (now ex-husband), children, or crazy mother--and it's not uncommon for us to talk for an hour and have none of it be about me. So I'm used to her ignoring what is going in my life. But I feel that failing to acknowledge my marriage is incredibly rude and perhaps more than I can excuse or forgive.

Thoughts? Opinions? Thus far I haven't responded to either of her messages. I'm at a bit of a loss about what to do. Part of me wants to call her out about her rudeness, but another part wants to just continue to ignore the situation (and her).


TUWABVB said...

Um, I think that is bitchy and self-centered. I mean, all it would take is a simple "Congrats and hope you are enjoying married life" text if she wanted to do the bare minimum (I'm not saying I think that is acceptable. I have a friend that was a lot like that and I haven't spoken to her since I moved from Dallas. And I hate to say it, but I haven't really missed anything.

I'm not saying that you should cut her out of your life because CLEARLY you have a lot of history, but you most certainly should say something to snap her out of her self-centered haze. It's not fair to hurt someone like you who has been there for her whenever she has needed you. I would simply reply, acknowledge her message and say that you were surprised and hurt not to hear from her given the fact that you were just married.

You deserve better than that, you know?

Land family said...

I'm glad you haven't commented back. I'd say "sounds great" (regarding her news), then launch into a shortened version of "just got back from my honeymoon! MM and I had a blast in Maui". It's possible that she's just a self absorbed jerk and forgot. But if she doesn't respond to this? I say scratch her off your friends list permanently.

TUWABVB is right-you do deserve better than that!

S said...

I agree: I deserve better. I have rationalized putting up with her behavior for years by telling myself that I have lots of other friends who take an interest in me and that D has no sisters, a (crazy) mother from whom she is basically estranged, and few close friends.

I think I am going to keep her on "ignore" indefinitely. I don't want to spend the time & energy it'd take to call her out. . .

Kristi Marie said...

I agree, it sounds like a one sided friendship. I think you are making the right decision (although it sounds like you've been friends for a long time, if and when you are ready, tell her how you feel).

Anonymous said...

Yes, it definitely sounds like a one-sided friendship. Someone who was totally dedicated to your friendship would have jumped all over congratulating you on your marriage. I mean, really?

I know that I would probably ignore her BUT I am sorta snarky that way.

Wyatt & Co. said...

I say we cut her a little slack for a couple more weeks. Perhaps I, um, I mean she, just got behind in getting your card in the mail. You are exceptionally thoughtful and prompt person and some of us are perhaps a little more on the slacker side. I do agree that taking the time to text about her kid's race without even a word about your wedding is very thoughtless, but maybe she wants to do something bigger and nicer in the coming weeks.