11/30/09

215.6

I'm still feeling disinclined to blog but wanted to check in--in case anyone actually still reads my blog--and say that I'm alive and things are going fine.

MM and I spent Thanksgiving with my dad and stepmom in New Mexico. We all got along fine, and our travel was uneventful. Last Saturday was our first wedding anniversary. MM sent me a beautiful mixed bouquet of flowers to commemorate the occasion, and he was smart enough to send it several days early so that I could enjoy the flowers before leaving town. Hard to believe we have already been married a year!

I gained some weight over the weekend, but I'm not surprised. I'm at the point in my cycle where I'd normally retain water, in addition to flying and eating less healthfully than usual. I predict that by next week, the scale will be back to the 213-214 range without much real effort on my part.

Today it's back to work after four days off. I could've used another four. I think I need to start looking in earnest for another lawyering gig.

And on that note, I need to get crackin' on some billable work. Ugh.

Wah. . . .

213.2

(No Peeves & Pleasures today because in my current mood, I would only be listing peeves)

I woke up with a migraine Tuesday morning at 5:30, and it has been present to some degree or another ever since then. Even as I type this, I have a dull throbbing in my head and feel "off." In addition, I started my period early Wednesday morning and have had some bad cramps. Lovely.

Nevertheless, I have continued to work, including a 360-mile round trip on Tuesday to attend two depositions, a deposition yesterday afternoon, and stuff in the office yesterday morning and today. I would love to just go home and lie in a dark room, but I need to work, and I haven't found lying in a dark room to be all that effective the past two evenings anyway.

I have scheduled a massage for 3:30 this afternoon in hopes that it will help my headache. I will have to come back to the office after and/or come in Sunday to make up the time, but I hope it will be worth it.

Needless to say, on day 3 of a three-day migraine, I am not exactly on top of my game or in the best of moods. I have not gone to the gym this week, though that had been my intention since Tuesday and my bag is packed and in my office. My eating has been so-so; mostly, I have been eating a lot less than usual because I have had nausea off and on.

I've hardly seen MM at all this week: he was home late Monday, when I had to go to bed early to get up early and drive to Kingman; he was out working until after I went to bed Tuesday night; and I saw him last night for about an hour before I went to bed. I am hoping to be able to spend some time with him tonight because he has to do field work again on Friday evening, but at this point, I'm not sure that I'll be very good company.

The fun continues tomorrow, when I have to drive to Tucson for another deposition. I will also be stopping by to visit M while I am there and taking her some pants I bought for her, so though I'm not looking forward to the drive, it promises to be a fruitful trip in a few ways.

I wish I didn't get headaches. I hate days like this.

Not feelin' it

213.0

As anyone who is still reading has probably guessed from my lack of recent posts, I continue to not feel much like blogging. (I also still haven't written a single word for NaNoWriMo. One more broken promise to myself. . . ) Again, my lack of interest isn't due to being particularly busy or anything else I can pinpoint. It just is.

I am proud to note that, despite the fact that I have not been going to the gym more than once or twice a week for the past month, my weight continues to stay about the same. I was 213.0 on 11/4, and I was the same weight this morning. It would be nice to see the scale moving down, but given my effort of late--or lack thereof--I will take maintenance.

I really have made an effort to eat "cleaner" for the past several weeks. That is not to say that I have been 100%, or that I have in any way limited portion sizes, or that I am eating enough fruits and vegetables. I have done pretty well about eliminating (most) processed foods and sugar from my diet, though. Baby steps.

As usual, I feel better when I limited my "white" carbs and eat more lean protein. I feel especially good on the days when I get in at least five servings of fruits and vegetables. I waver between enthusiasm for eating right, which leads to better planning and results, and laziness, which inclines me to choose quicker, easier food options. (NOT fast food: just not the healthiest choice.)

I saw a TV show the other day that really inspired me to get back into weight lifting. Alas, the next two evenings I had commitments, and the next day that I had an opportunity to get to the gym and turn my inspiration into action, the moment had passed. ;-)

MM has had some recent changes in his job that have led to his working more in the evenings, and that has played a factor in my going to the gym less as well. Sad to "blame" my husband for this, but I admit that the fact that I know he is going to work out five days a week often motivates me to go to the gym also. When that is lacking, or when our schedules don't mesh, it's just one more excuse not to work out.

This week will be a busy one for me. I am slated to travel out of town for depositions tomorrow, Thursday and Friday. (Just to other cities in Arizona, nowhere exciting.) All that time in the car is going to make it less likely that I'll be going to the gym. Such is life.

I wish I could be an inspiration and a motivator, but lately I have a hard time even motivating and inspiring myself.

PEEVES & PLEASURES THURSDAY

(212.4)

PEEVES

• Partners who think that the assignment they have given me is the only, and/or most important, thing I have to get done
• People who don't return phone calls or answer letters
• People who don't do their jobs

PLEASURES

• Having the whole bed to myself
• High-thread-count sheets
• Cheese
  

Proust Questionnaire

Once again, I lifted this from someone else's blog. (She did, too.)

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Hmm, tough one. To live a life with meaningful work to do, and loving family and friends and dogs around me, with enough money to meet all my basic needs without difficulty.

What is your greatest fear?
That, at the end of my life, I will feel that it was meaningless.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My tendency to procrastinate

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Stupidity

On what occasion do you lie?
I rarely lie. For one thing, morality notwithstanding, I'm horrible at it! I might lie to spare someone's feelings if I thought s/he couldn't handle hearing the truth at that moment.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Travel

What is your current state of mind?
Contented

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Sense of humor.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Intelligence

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Whatever. The F word

When and where were you happiest?
The happiest time of my life was during my second year of law school. I was loving school and the daily intellectual stimulation; was surrounded by great friends with a busy social life; was eating healthier and exercising more than nearly any other time as an adult; and Sebastian was quite young. I was far enough along in school not to be stressed out and not far enough along to be worrying yet about taking the bar and finding a "real" job.

Who are your favorite writers?
John Grisham, Victoria Holt, Dean Koontz, just to name a few.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Creativity.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
I would have liked to have had another sibling or two, probably a brother.

If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A well-loved golden retriever.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My weight.

Where would you like to live?
Cost no object? northern California coast

What is your most treasured possession?
My golden retrievers, though I don't really think of them as possessions. If not them, then the list is too long to choose one item. I have many beloved items from both my grandmothers that are irreplaceable.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Self pity.

What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty, loyalty, and sense of humor

What are your favorite names?
I prefer not to share them here. The last time we mentioned one of the names MM and I like to anyone, MM's coworker used it for her bulldog puppy!

What is it that you most dislike?
Worrying about money.

What is your greatest regret?
That I didn't choose a career that was a good fit for my personality and talents while I was in college.

How would you like to die?
In my sleep, sometime in my 90s.

What is your motto?
If I have one, I think it's something like "Make use of the gifts you've been given." (I had a therapist once in my 20s who said my motto was "Be all you can be," like the U.S. Army commercials.)

DC trip

Here is my long-delayed post about our trip to northern Virginia/DC in September.

The day after we arrived, Rowan was baptized, and I was the godmother. (The godfather was V's husband's stepdad; he is the only adult male they know who is a practicing Catholic and is also one of Rowan's favorite people, so it made sense.) Rowan behaved very well, all things considered. He had to sit through an hour-long mass prior to the baptism, so we were there over two hours, all told.

Just after the deacon poured the water on his head, he said "I got baptized!" All the other parents (all of young infants) laughed; it was quite cute. As his father was carrying him away from the font so that the next baby could take his turn, he said "I get baptized again!" So I guess he liked it!

Here is a photo of him giving a "high five" right after being baptized:

Rowan also modeled his Halloween costume for us, which he picked out himself. In case it's not obvious, he is an old-time golfer. He had a matching golf bag with clubs, too.

Rowan "flexing" at Uncle MM's request:

My mom was at V's also for Rowan's baptism, and it was good to see her, too. She had headed home to Ohio by the time MM and I returned for our second weekend at V's.

Here is a photo I took of Mom and V that I especially like:

On Monday morning, we drove into the city with my sister and got an early start on our day. First, we visited Ford's Theater, where President Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth. MM and his parents had visited Ford's Theater before, but it had been closed for remodeling during our July 2008 visit to the city; I had never been there. We both quite enjoyed it.

We also visited Peterson House across the street and saw the bedroom where Lincoln actually died from his injuries the following morning.

We then visited the nearby International Spy Museum. Going there was my idea because neither of us had ever been there, I had seen it listed on a few different Top Ten Things to See in DC lists, and it was just blocks from Ford's Theater and from our hotel. I enjoyed it, but MM did not.

We still had the afternoon and headed over to the National Museum of American History, a favorite of both mine and MM's which was also closed for remodeling during our July 2008 visit.

After visiting the National Museum of American History, we decided to walk over and visit the World War II Memorial. It was not included on the "Monuments by Moonlight" tour we took in July 2008, and neither of us had seen it before.

I didn't bring my camera with me on Monday's outing, so I only have one crappy shot from my BlackBerry of MM at the WWII Memorial:

By the time we were finished walking around the WWII Memorial, we both had tired, sore feet, and the evening rush hour was starting, so we headed back to our hotel. We had a quick dinner at a casual dining restaurant not far from our hotel. After dinner, we walked down to the White House, both because we wanted to see how it looked at night and because we wanted to make sure that we knew how to get there for our tour on Tuesday morning.

Tuesday morning was our White House tour. Despite the fact that I had visited DC 8-9 previous times, I had never visited the White House; neither had MM. (Why is kind of a long story.) The tour was slightly disappointing: we knew we'd only see the public areas on the East Wing but didn't realize that our tour group would be so large that it would be difficult to move around in the rooms--most of which were roped off to avoid visitors touching furniture and articles in them--and that we would be rushed through. The entire tour took less than 45 minutes start to finish and was led by a young Secret Service agent who, it seemed, wished that he'd been given any other assignment but this one.

We were done by 10:00 a.m. and after a quick trip back to the hotel to fetch my camera (they aren't allowed in the White House), we took the Metro out to Arlington National Cemetery. I had visited the Cemetery twice before--once in 1995, on my first adult trip to DC, and once in 2002, when my mom and I were in town for V's law school graduation--and MM had visited it once in 1995, but we both wanted to see it again.

We got to see the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknowns, always impressive:

We stopped off near George Washington University/Foggy Bottom for lunch. (MM got a crappy vendor hot dog, while I was lucky enough to locate a Chick-Fil-A in the student union.) We then headed back to our hotel for some rest before dinner.

That night we met my friend W and his wife for dinner. W and I became friends in law school. We were especially close during my third year. (So close, in fact, that some of her mutual acquaintances thought we were "an item," though our relationship has always been purely platonic.) I have kept in touch with W over the years since he moved away from Tucson to join the Army JAG, including a year-long stint in Iraq. We hadn't seen each other in over five years, and I had never met his wife, whom he married in October 2006. (I couldn't attend their wedding.) The four of us had a really fun time together.

Don't he and his wife make a cute couple?

Wednesday morning, MM wanted to check out the National Museum of Crime and Punishment which he had spotted on our way to dinner the night before. (Not surprising, considering he was a criminal justice major and is a history buff and a probation officer.) I wanted to save my energy for the afternoon, so I chilled at a nearby Starbucks while he checked it out.

After the National Museum of Crime and Punishment, which MM quite enjoyed, we headed to MM's favorite pizzeria for lunch: Armand's, conveniently located near Capitol Hill. No trip to DC would be complete for MM without eating at Armand's!

Wednesday afternoon was our Capitol Tour. Before heading to the Capitol, we visited our Senator's office so that we could get gallery tickets. We also walked around a little in the Senate office buildings because MM was hoping to see someone famous. (He didn't. The only famous person sighting of the week was when we saw Jesse Jackson in the lobby of the hotel adjacent to my sister's office building on Friday.)

The Capitol Tour was good, but for someone like me who toured the Capitol pre-9/11, a little disappointing. Our guide was very knowledgeable and had an obvious interest in history; in fact, we learned that he had a master's degree in history. The building was beautiful and impressive. The disappointing part was that you are watched like you're going to steal or vandalize the building and are not allowed to roam freely at all. (Also, we had to watch a LAME film about the different branches of government before starting the tour. Anyone who had taken a high school civics class wouldn't have found this to be new information. I told MM that I thought they should allow visitors to test out of it. LOL)

The (many) photos I took of the Capitol do not really do it justice, and I'm sure many (if not all) of you have seen it yourselves, either in person or in photos.

Wednesday night, at MM's suggestion, we went to a Capitals pre-season game. We were able to get great seats from a scalper for only $20 a ticket:

The game was vs. the Chicago BlackHawks and was very fun. One of the best players in NHL, Alexander Ovechkin, plays for the Capitals. It was also just a short Metro ride from our hotel, so we weren't out terribly late.

By Thursday morning, we were both quite tired of walking around. Though it wasn't hot, it was humid, and our feet hurt. At first, we had a hard time agreeing on how to spend the day because we'd both already done and see basically everything we wanted to do on this trip to the city. After checking out of our hotel room, we went to the National Portrait Gallery, which is just a couple of blocks from my sister's office building. (We only saw about half of it, but it is very cool and definitely worth a visit.) Then in the afternoon, we wanted to sit and relax somewhere, so we went to movies and saw The Informant! Once the workday ended, we rode with V back out to their home in northern Virginia to spend the rest of the visit with them.

Friday morning, we drove into DC with V and took Rowan to meet friends KH and JH and their two little ones at the National Zoo. This outing was Rowan's first-ever with just Auntie S and Uncle MM, no Mama and Daddy. Given that he is firmly in the defiant 2-almost-3-year-old stage, it was an interesting day, with a lot of crying and meltdowns.

Rowan loved the Metro ride to the zoo. He enjoyed the first trip to the panda habitat and seeing the baby gorilla. Other than that, his two favorite parts of the zoo were the Pizza Garden play area and the ice cream cone he got near the end of the day. (At one point, he told me "I don't WANT to see the animals!")

Saturday morning, I got up early (while MM slept in) to go with V and Rowan to SoccerTots. He was so cute! (Two guesses who bought him his Diamondbacks T-shirt. . . )

Saturday evening, V and her husband attended a friend's wedding while MM and I watched Rowan. He behaved much better for us on Saturday afternoon/evening than he did on Sunday; I think he had learned what he could get away with (not much), and I'm sure it helped that he was at home and not in a new place with lots of attractive, and dangerous, things to explore. We watched the movie Bolt, which we had brought for him. He liked it, but thought parts of it were "scawy."

Don't my sister and her husband look nice all dressed up?

Sunday morning, the men slept in again while V and I took Rowan to brunch and to play at a nearby park. I enjoyed getting to spend a little more time with them before we had to fly home that afternoon.

And that was our trip! We packed a lot of sightseeing into a relatively short period of time. It will probably be our last trip to DC for a while because V has accepted a new position, starting January 1, that means a move to North Carolina for them. Selfishly, MM and I are sad that we will no longer be visiting them in DC, but we'll survive. ;-)

PEEVES & PLEASURES THURSDAY

PEEVES

• Billing my time (yes, I've mentioned it before; it bears repeating)
• Pregnancy announcements on Facebook (I admit that I am probably just bitter. . . )
• Finding out a friend is pregnant by receiving an invitation to her shower (this has actually happened to me three times in the past 6 months)
• 90+ daytime highs in NOVEMBER (enough already with the heat!)
  

PLEASURES

• Coloring my hair (although, at this point, perhaps more a necessity: gotta cover those grays. . . . )
• Checking items off my "to do" list
• "Found" money (ex: we had an "escrow overage" and received an unexpected check for nearly $1000!)
• Red nail polish (toes only for me)
  

Disinclined

213.0

I seem disinclined to blog of late. I *have* been busy, but normally that would not stop me; I tend to find the time to do the things I enjoy, no matter how busy I am. (Sometimes to the detriment of things I *have* to do, like work. Ahem.)

I really don't know why I've not been in a blogging mood. I still haven't even finished the entry I started about our trip to DC at the end of September, and let's face it: probably no one will want to read it now 'cause it's old news!

I am fine. Life is good. I have had some fun times lately and have many more things I am looking forward to (visit with my dad in a few weeks; a trip to Albuquerque to see an old friend in January; hockey games and comedy club later this month).

I guess maybe this is a case of "no news is good news."

P.S. I signed up for National Novel Writing Month, the goal of which is to write a rough, first draft of a novel by writing a little bit each day for 30 days during November. (I also have a very clever kit which my sister gave me for my 38th birthday to aid me in writing a novel in 30 days.) Today is November 4, and I have yet to write a single word. I suck.

Peeves & Pleasures Thursday

(Love how I've failed to make this a true weekly feature on the blog. . . . )

PEEVES

• Rapid changes in the weather, i.e., a 20-degree temperature difference from one day to the next
• Having something planned EVERY SINGLE EVENING for a week (all fun stuff, and it sounds great. . . but it's just exhausting)
• Bloat

PLEASURES

• Catching up with old friends
• True "fall" weather in Phoenix: temps in the 60s, a little breeze. . . love that "nip" in the air
  
• Paying off a debt in full
  

Happy birthday, Sebastian

Today is my dog's 8th birthday! Though I've noticed him slowly becoming less active over the past couple of years (which we now know is due to mitral valve insufficiency), it's hard to believe he is 8.

Sebastian, you have brought me more joy over the years you've been my dog than many of the people I know. If I could find a way to bottle what makes you happy all the time, I could make millions. . . .

Here are a few of my favorite shots of "my boy" from over the 7+ years I have had him:

The day I brought him home from his rescue foster home, August 25, 2002

Taken during a professional shoot we did in December 2003

Another shot from the December 2003 shoot

On the beach in Rocky Point, July 2008

A random day with a stuffed toy, fall 2007 (pre-Hunter: they don't get stuffed toys now to avoid fights)

Welcoming Hunter and sharing his "comfort couch," May 2009 (Sebastian is the one in the back)

(oh, today's weight: 212.8 for the second consecutive day)

Seriously?

213.4

Hmm, maybe I actually AM losing some weight.

Not much to write, and not much time to write it. Yesterday was one of the few days in the past five years when I have questioned my decision to become a lawyer. I didn't get home until 10:00 p.m. And that would have been bad enough had I been working on something substantive that was necessary for a case.

Nope, I was stuck at the office until 9:30 p.m. entering billable time. Sucktastic indeed.

I really need to find another job. . . . one where I don't have to bill clients.

Monday, bleh

215.4

Nothing exciting to report. The arrival of this fourth Monday after my recent vacation, and my reaction to its arrival, is bringing home to me the fact that I need to consider other employment. Nothing specific; just well into the "don't wanna be here" phase with my job.

Today's weight is my lowest since August 12th, so that's a good thing. BUT I won't believe it's a real loss--vs. just a fluctuation in a positive direction--until/unless the number on the scale continues to move down.

I have a plan for exercise this week: to the gym on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning, where I will do a 20-minute interval workout on the elliptical trainer and some upper body weights, as well as 10 minutes of stretching. (My right piriformis is acting up again.)

Anyhoo. Hope other folks are off to a better start to the week. . . .

And now, the numbers. . .

216.4

I got a call from my doctor's office late yesterday to let me know the results of the (fasting) labwork for which blood was drawn at my annual physical on Monday. On a positive note, my fasting glucose and blood chemistries, thyroid panel, and complete blood count were all normal. So I have no thyroid problems, no diabetes or pre-diabetes, no liver or kidney function problems, and no anemia.

On the not-so-positive side, my lipid panel showed the following:

• Total cholesterol: 233 (should be less than 200)
• LDL: 171 (should be less than 130)
• HDL: 35 (should be more than 45)
• Triglycerides: 163 (should be less than 150)

Compared to last year's numbers, there really isn't a HUGE difference. My total cholesterol and triglycerides are slightly lower, but my LDL is higher and my HDL is slightly down. These are still numbers that double my risk of cardiac disease.

My doctor told me to "maintain" my ideal body weight, exercise 5-6 days a week, and eat healthfully. (Hmm, where have I heard that before?) He also told me that if my numbers remain high, I will eventually have to go on a statin to lower them. However, I can't take statins while there is a chance I may become pregnant, so unless I go on birth control (not going to happen) or reach menopause (not for a few more years, I hope), that option is tabled for now.

I have my gym bag packed and have told MM that I will meet him there at 6:15.

Progress not perfection

217.8

I've posted here often about how "the more things change, the more they stay the same." I seem to run up against the same issues again and again. Nearly four years into starting this blog, I continue to struggle with disorganization, at home and at work, and, even more notably, with my weight.

BUT. . . the odd dream I had last Thursday night about my ex-boyfriend from college got me thinking a little about the past. (I've actually mentioned this ex in a post before, where I referred to him as Pig Farmer, so I will continue to refer to him as "PF" for simplicity's sake.) Upon further reflection, in thinking back to my relationship with PF and where I was in my life when he was in it, I realized that things have changed a lot. *I* have changed.

I first met PF in the fall of 1988, during my first semester of college. Our initial relationship only lasted a few months, but with the naivete of someone who is 17 years old and having regular sex for the first time, I believed we were "in love." He was discharged from the Army and went back home to eastern Kentucky while I remained in New Mexico. We didn't have a true long distance relationship, in that we didn't keep in constant contact. But we did keep in contact sporadically, and in the fall of 1991, he came back to attend college at my school. Our relationship resumed when he returned--actually, I flew to Kentucky to visit him less than a month before he moved back--and continued until the early spring of 1992.

In 1991/92, I was dead broke. Financial worries literally kept me awake at night. Just going to the grocery store for ramen noodles and beans often took more cash than I had on hand. I could only work part-time, due to my full-time class schedule, and good part-time jobs were hard to come by in the town where I went to college. I usually earned only a little more than minimum wage and worked no more than 30 hours a week.

My parents didn't really help me. My mom let me live with her a couple of times when my financial situation was especially desperate, and my dad sometimes had me over for dinner, but neither she nor my father gave me any money for school or to support myself. (Living with my mom and stepdad put a strain on those relationships, too, and was to be avoided when possible.) I was very much "on my own."

Also, by the time PF and I reunited in 1991, for the first time in my life, my relationship with my father was seriously strained. My dad remarried when I was 18, and for the first few years of his marriage, he and his wife had a rocky relationship: she left him twice within the first nine months of their marriage. I didn't care for her, not because she wasn't a perfectly nice person, but because she just wasn't (and isn't) my cup of tea, and I didn't like the person my dad was when he was with her. Some might argue that he was a *better* person, but all I cared about was that he was a different person than the dad who had raised me, the dad I loved.

In 1991/92, I didn't know where I was going professionally. I'd started college with the conviction that I would become a doctor, without knowing much about how to achieve that goal or what being a doctor would actually be like. As I got farther along in my pre-med requisites, began educating myself about what becoming a physician would entail and what the realities of that life choice would be, and prepared to take the MCAT, I became more and more convinced that being a doctor wasn't for me.

Officially, I was majoring in psychology, but that was only because I enjoyed the subject; I truly had no idea what I was going to do for a career. Doing anything that didn't involve at least a college education--and preferably an advanced degree--had never crossed my mind. I was at a loss.

As a result of these things--my financial difficulties, the strain between my dad and me, and my lack of career direction--I was also suffering from a lack of self-confidence. My weight/appearance had also long been an issue for me (and continued to be), but when I was secure in my family relationships, didn't have to worry about the basics of feeding and clothing myself, and felt sure about what I was going to do in life, I had had a healthy self-esteem in spite of my occasional feelings of self-loathing about my weight.

Truth be told, if I could go back in time and tell 1991 S that someday she would be the S I am today. . . . she probably wouldn't have believed it. I wouldn't say that I was depressed. . . not in the least. . . . but I was certainly at a place in my life where I couldn't imagine what my future would be like.

Now, I would never even consider dating someone like PF. He was (and is) uneducated, having barely finished high school. When we dated, at least after his discharge from the Army, he was not gainfully employed, nor was he actively seeking work. He made my lack of direction in school look like laser-focus: at least I was 3/4 of the way to earning a degree, albeit not a very useful one. He failed one class and dropped another of the four he took during his first semester of college--and attempted to conceal these facts from me.

PF also wasn't really all that attractive (though, to be fair, he was great in bed). And he wasn't always that nice to me: he stood me up once, early in our relationship, and on another occasion, made a comment about the size of my ass (which, I might add, was considerably smaller at 165-170 than it is today at close to 220). I discovered near the end that he had another girlfriend, of sorts, back home. . . . at least someone who was writing to him and sending him "care" packages (which he'd told me were from his grandma). If a man did these things to me today, I would kick his a$$ to the curb.

At 20, I didn't know or value myself enough to realize that I could do better. . . . that I DESERVED better.

It was the beginning of the end of our on-again, off-again relationship when, during a fight about his choice to hang out with some of his buddies rather than see me on a Saturday, I started talking about what I would expect from a man I would marry. When I told PF that I'd expect that man to consider me one of the most important things in his life and to prioritize his time in accordance with that feeling, to love me so much that he'd willingly put my needs before his desires, his response was that he didn't feel that way about me. . . that he'd never felt that way about any woman. . . and that he didn't think that I truly felt that way about him either.

He was right: I didn't.

I owe a lot to PF (and not just because of the hot sex). It was after this relationship that the light finally went on for me, and I never dated another loser again after him. I never tolerated much crap from any of the men I dated after him.

Honestly, raising my standards meant spending a lot more time single over the ensuing years, but I learned that I found that preferable to "settling." To aiming low. To being treated like a second-class citizen.

And it's not only my approach to my romantic relationships that has changed since then. I enrolled in the nursing program the next semester after my ultimate break-up with PF. Within two years, I finally finished college and got a "real" job. (I'll never forget how excited I was to earn $12/hour--wow! LOL) I found a way to live with my stepmom, which helped my relationship with my dad tremendously.

OK, so my career choice didn't end up being the "right" one in the sense that I found my life's calling, as evidenced by the fact that I went back to school to pursue a second career less than seven years after completing college. But I became a contributing, self-supporting member of society. An adult.

I found self-respect. I learned who I was and who I wanted to be. Ultimately, I found a man I love who is worthy of that love. . . . and yes, a man who treats me like I am one of the most important things in his life and who puts my needs before his own desires.

Yes, I am still overweight and still disorganized. But I've come a long way nonetheless.

Columbus Day

218.0

I don't "celebrate" Columbus Day--given that people had already been living in the "New World" for thousands of years before he "discovered it"--but I miss the days when I worked for the government and thus had today off.

Today is the first morning in over a week that I woke up feeling normal: not exhausted, not phlegmy (though still a little congested, little cough), no headache. Hallelujah! Seriously, I was disproportionately happy about this; I lay in bed for a few extra minutes simply feeling content and relieved.

My weekend was so-so. We stayed in on Friday night and had KFC because MM didn't want pizza. My BFF came over on Saturday as planned to help me organize our garage. It took far less time than expected and looks great. I bowed out of our plans on Saturday night with MM's friends because I just didn't have the energy to be "on" and go out to some bars after dinner. (He went without me, and it was fine.) MM and I met his parents for dinner on Sunday, and otherwise I basically did nothing: I woke up with a headache which lingered most of the day, despite multiple doses of Excedrin, decongestants and ibuprofen, and I had some gastrointestinal upset as well. (I think the GI upset was a result of days of constipation culminating in eating steel-cut oatmeal with a fiber supplement for breakfast on Sunday.) I felt OK for a few hours--just long enough to make it to the birthday dinner with the in-laws--but spent the rest of the day lying around feeling icky.

I finished reading the book The Eat-Clean Diet this weekend. I've been thinking about eating clean for some time, which is why I ordered the book. I am still seriously considering it. I'm not yet at the point of action--this recent cold has also thrown a wrench in the works--but I'm inching closer.

Much as I love carbs, I am not ignorant of the fact that eating too many of them--especially sugar or starchy carbs--makes me feel ill and saps my energy. Much as I love the convenience of eating most meals out, I know that this practice is not good for me (and also more expensive than cooking at home). Much as I love to wallow in my sloth, I know that I have so much more energy--and actually need less sleep--when I am exercising regularly.

Goodness knows, I have plenty of reasons to adopt healthier lifestyle habits. Wanting to look better doesn't even need to be on the list!

And as of my annual physical this morning, I now have another reason. For the first time ever, my blood pressure was high: 142/92. (The doctor even rechecked it himself.) When I went for my last physical in July 2008, my cholesterol and triglycerides were high. I had blood drawn this morning to recheck them, and I feel pretty sure that they will still be high, given that the only things that would have lowered them--regular exercise five days a week for 30 minutes a session and losing weight--haven't happened. (In fact, I weighed 220.5 at the doctor's office this morning, a gain from last year's physical.)

I really have a hard time understanding myself at times. I get the lack of organization in my life to a degree: I am, at heart, a pretty lazy person, and it seems to take slightly more effort to keep things orderly than to just throw my crap wherever. (I say "seems" because lack of organization can actually mean more effort in the long run, like when I can't find stuff.) I can understand why I don't like to put in the work to keep my house neat and organized.

I don't understand why I persist in eating like crap, though. As I mentioned above, and have no doubt mentioned before here, I actually feel BETTER when I eat healthfully. I know that I have a family history--on both sides--of diabetes and heart disease. As a former nurse, I am well aware of the increased risk of these diseases for me as a result of genetics alone, as well as the fact that the only risk factors I can control are lifestyle choices: whether to smoke, controlling my weight, the foods I eat, and exercise.

And yet, in spite of this knowledge, I continue my slothful ways. I take the path of least resistance and pick up breakfast at Star$ or McD's rather than prepare something healthful at home. I eat out way more often than I should. Even when I do eat at home, my choices are based more on taste and convenience than on health.

I am at least 70 pounds overweight--looking generously at the high end of my weight range--and yet I do nothing about it. Sure, I make a stab occasionally: I decide to start working out more often or cutting out white flour/sugar. But it never lasts.

My take-home message from today's doctor's appointment: I am going to have a heart attack or a stroke. Given my family history and my current state of health, this is basically a foregone conclusion. The only unknown is "When?" And whether it will be sooner or later is entirely up to me and the choices I have made and continue to make.

Weird dreams

217.4

I've had some odd dreams the past couple of nights. Wednesday night I dreamed of a law school classmate of mine and her daughter. This classmate is someone I see (and occasionally communicate with) on Fac.ebo.ok but haven't seen in real life for years. And I've never met her daughter, who is less than 2 years old. I had the sense that the dream wasn't really *about* them; nonetheless, they figured prominently in it and were the only characters from the dream whom I could clearly remember once I was awake.

Last night I had two interrelated dreams about an ex-boyfriend of mine from years ago. I hadn't thought of him in a long, long time. Neither of the dreams was sexual in nature. (Sexual dreams about this particular ex would have been less unexpected, as we had some, er, let's just say, memorable times in bed.) In the second of the dreams, his mother--from whom he was pretty much estranged when we were together--was looking for him and wanted my help to find him. She wouldn't seem to accept the fact that I haven't heard from him in about 18 years. (And oddly enough, in the dream, I found him for her. . . using the internet. LOL)

Not sure what led to these dreams. I've read from time to time that dreams represent your subconscious mind trying to work out its thoughts or solve a problem. I can't imagine why either my law school friend and her child or my ex-boyfriend from college would be on my subconscious mind! Hmmm. . . .

Maybe it's all the decongestants I've been taking. LOL

So, in typical S fashion, after dreaming of my ex last night, I had to cyber-stalk him this morning. I have google'd him on occasion in the past--along with other men from my past--and my most recent google-ing session of about two-and-a-half (or three?) years ago revealed that he was married and living in a small town less than two hours' drive from where he grew up. (Not surprising.)

This morning the first page I found was a mys.pa.ce page for him. With photos of him with his wife and daughters (though one must be a stepdaughter, given her stated age, unless he had a child on the sly while we were dating without my knowledge--not impossible, I will admit). He looks almost exactly the same (except with slightly less hair) as when I last saw him circa 1992. Wild.

Yikes. Think I'll quit google-ing and get back to work.

Care for some cheese with that w(h)ine?

218.0

I came here prepared to author a post for "Peeves & Pleasures Thursday" but found that, despite the abundance of good things in my life, I could only come up with peeves. So allow me to indulge in self pity for a brief moment instead. (If you have your own real drama and suffering in your life, feel free to skip this post.)

• I woke up with a headache again today, and it has continued into the afternoon, despite doses of Excedrin, a pumpkin spice latte, and a diet Coke. Granted, it's not a migraine (thank goodness), but this frickin' sinus congestion that I can't seem to shake, over a week later, has made me have a headache more days than not the past week. Ugh.
• I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't know how people with allergies live with this congestion all the time! I am back to sleeping (mostly) through the night, but am still waking up tired. I sound funny, and I feel worse.
• Despite my congestion and general feelings of ickiness, I continue to eat crap. I can't remember the last time a vegetable (other than tomato, potato or lettuce) passed my lips. Even last night at Red Lobster, when faced with numerous more healthful choices, I ordered a plate composed nearly entirely of deep-fried foods. I've eaten more cheese over the past week than I care to think about. WTF is wrong with me?
• Because I feel like crap, I haven't been to the gym in two weeks. I haven't even walked the dogs in a week. (Don't worry about them; MM walks them almost every evening, even if I don't.) I have zero energy and zero motivation.
• Thanks to missing a day of work on Monday (due to my cold) and sub-par concentration on the other three days this week, I am already behind on my billable hours for October, and it's only the 8th. Good times.
• Did I mention I don't feel well? And isn't funny how when you don't feel well, nothing else seems to matter?
  

That is all. I hope when I next decide to post, I will be a little more upbeat. If I can somehow rid my body of this crud, I hope to finish my entry about our vacation--complete with photos!--sometime this weekend.

Random stuff

218.2

I haven't finished uploading and editing my photos from our recent trip. I've actually been on the computer for very little that is not work-related since we returned.

Between being busy getting back into the routine at work, a day of travel for work (and one for my volunteer work) last week, and the nasty cold I picked up on our trip, I haven't been doing much.

I spent the majority of Sunday and Monday in bed or on the couch; the most strenuous thing I did was walk from one room to the next. I woke up last Wednesday with a scratchy throat and sniffles which by Thursday had progressed to full-on head congestion with headache and popping ears. Saturday while I was in Tucson visiting M, I felt worse and worse as the day progressed: same congestion, etc., but also felt very tired and had developed a cough coming from my chest.

I am back to about 85% of normal today: still a little congested and coughing occasionally, but my energy level is back to about normal, and most of my sinus pressure has subsided. I'm back at work, too. I'm just glad that I didn't get the H1N1 flu: I checked my temperature every four hours or so the past two days, and I never got over 98.6.

Someday soon I will share our vacation photos. (I haven't even posted them for my family to see yet!)

We were supposed to have gone out to dinner Saturday night to celebrate MM's birthday. (His actual birthday is tomorrow.) Our dinner was canceled because his dad has shingles and is in a lot of pain. I will take him out to dinner tomorrow night on our own, and we have rescheduled the family dinner for next weekend. I have to admit that I was glad dinner got moved because I felt pretty crappy myself on Saturday.

Oh, one last thing: I want to say that today is my father and stepmother's 20th wedding anniversary. Neither of them reads this blog--they don't even know I write it--but I think that twenty years of marriage is quite an accomplishment these days!

Bullet Friday

• Looking at my Fac.ebo.ok friends list, I realized today that I know FAR too many lawyers: at least 75-80 of my 313 "friends" are lawyers. Occupational hazard, I guess.
• I woke up Wednesday morning with a scratchy throat and the sniffles. This has evolved over the past two days into a full-blown head cold. I've hardly slept in two nights because of the congestion and feel generally miserable. Ugh.
• MM and I are attending a birthday party tonight that I was really looking forward to. . . . but now with my cold, I just want to go to bed.
• I can hardly believe it's already October!
  

I'm back. . . .

217.8

MM and I returned from our vacation yesterday evening.  I had a great time!  It was wonderful seeing my sister and my nephew and spending time with them; I saw some new things in DC which I hadn't visited before, along with some old favorites (I love that city); I got to see two of my law school friends; and the weather was very good, with only one day of rain.

I will post some of the best of the photos I took when I get around to uploading and editing them.  Tonight, I hope.  I'll also talk about the sightseeing highlights of our trip for those who may be planning their own trip to DC and for preserving my memories of them.

It is possible that this trip to DC may be our last, at least for some time: my sister has been interviewing for an in-house counsel position with a major corporation which is headquartered in North Carolina.  She has been through two phone interviews so far and will be traveling to NC soon for a face-to-face panel interview.  Should she be offered and accept this position, they will be relocating to NC, giving us much less reason and opportunity to visit DC. 

Given my eating habits during our trip, I was pleasantly surprised to see the number on the scale this morning.  I am only slightly above the range where I've been hanging out for the past several months, and I know that I am retaining water because of the way my rings and shoes fit.  So on today's agenda, along with catching up at work and getting back into my routine, is water, water, water.  (I am already on my second 16-oz glass, and it's only 9:00 a.m. here.)

I've been wanting to become an early (or perhaps I should say "earlier") riser for some time, so this morning I took full advantage of the fact that my body clock is still set for the Eastern time zone.  I got up at 6:40 a.m.--which is probably not early for a lot of people, but many days I am in bed until 8:00--and took the goldens for a quick 20-minute walk in the neighborhood.  (They were full of pent-up energy: their dogsitter couldn't walk them on Saturday or Sunday because Hunter's collar mysteriously disappeared.)

I was at the office shortly before it opened at 8:30 a.m., coffee in hand and (relatively) healthful breakfast (apple slices and cheddar cheese cubes) eaten.  I had already sorted through my inbox of 164 email messages last night upon returning home, so I am now working through my paper inbox and reading and addressing the less than 40 emails that actually required a response or action from me.

I am wearing makeup and feel full of energy.  I should really do this getting up earlier thing more often!

I think MM is finally starting to rub off on me: I actually unpacked fully last night within an hour of our arrival at our house!  That is nearly unheard-of for me; often I still have packed bags a week or two after a trip, or at least until I need something I haven't unpacked.  I still need to do my laundry tonight, but it is sorted and just waiting to be stuck in the washer.

I feel refreshed and relaxed.  Wish I could take a week-long vacation once a quarter or so.  ;-)