Fear and (self-)loathing in Phoenix

221.2

Yep, you read that number correctly. My weight continues to creep up. I haven't been to the gym in at least a month. I'm back to eating 1-2 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, if that.

Most of my clothes are fitting tighter. There are a few pairs of pants I don't even wear to work anymore because they are too uncomfortable to sit in all day.

Today I woke up feeling anxious for no reason I could pinpoint, even before stepping on the scale. . . . a tight feeling in my chest, heart beating faster than normal, hard to take a good, deep breath. I caught sight of my a$$ in the mirror before getting in the shower and was totally disgusted. (I don't know how my poor thin husband can stand to look at me, let alone touch me.)

As I sit at my desk contemplating the work I need to accomplish today, I am on the verge of tears. Not sure what is wrong with me today.

I doubt anyone ever accomplished much by hating herself. But that seems to be where I'm at.

Oh, and if you want some positive talk about weight loss, visit this site. I stumbled across it a few months ago and have really enjoyed reading it. . . . not that it has motivated me to do anything about my own obesity.

(tap,tap) Hello? Is this thing on?

I seem to have (mostly) abandoned my blog. Too bad, as it was five years ago this month that I started it.

Even more sad: I am heavier today than the first time I posted. By a lot. Though I didn't post my weight for the first few months, the first post on which I did include my actual weight said I was 202.4 pounds (and I was horrified by this number).

This morning's weight was 18 pounds heavier than that. Yep, I tipped the scales at 220.4 this morning. Yikes.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm not recommitting today to improving my eating or to exercising. Even *I* am sick of hearing myself make the same old promises to myself to get in shape and be healthier and never keeping them, at least not in the longer term.

I guess I just wanted to check in and acknowledge my exceptional fatness and failure.