Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Memory Lane

(forgot to weigh)

I've been thinking for a while about posting an excerpt from my one of my teenage diaries, just for fun. I'd thought, in fact, about posting about my first experience, which I wrote about in detail the day after it happened.

So last night I dug out the journal for the relevant time period, and the first entry, dated June 14, 1986, began as follows:

"Sometimes I get so sick of life. I hate being fat and unpopular. . . . It's really depressing."

Um, yeah.

Reading on, I expressed my desire to "lose 20 lbs by the time school starts, 30-35 lbs eventually." Knowing that my high school goal weight was always 125 allows me to extrapolate that I must have weighed between 155 and 160 when I wrote this entry.

Ah, what I wouldn't give to weigh 160 now! Hey, it's only 55 lbs or so less than I weighed the last time I stepped on a scale.

How sad is it that, nearly 24 years later, I am still struggling with my weight? While I would no longer say I am "sick of life" and would not describe myself today as "unpopular"--what does that even mean, at 39?--it is still depressing to be fat.

Wow, good thing I didn't know at 15 that 24 years later not only would I not be "thin," I'd be even fatter than I was then. . . . I probably would have just ended it all. LOL

I guess I can take some comfort in the fact that I am much happier in my life overall than I was at 15, even if I am still not happy with my weight. As a good friend pointed out when I shared this diary entry with her, a big part of the reason I'm happier with life now is that the majority of my life now is of my own design and choosing, whereas at 15, it was mostly either of my parents' design or other circumstances beyond my control.

It has taken me a while to get to this point, but I am now (mostly) living the life *I* want to live.


Nicole said...

It's funny how we look back on things like that. I wish I could be my high school weight too. My goal weight is actually 15lbs more than hs weight - but even when I was that weight I never felt thin.

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