Wednesday, March 25, 2009



Remember my writing a few months ago about a friend of mine ("D") who never acknowledged my wedding?

I wrote about my intention to put her on "indefinite ignore," and I've followed through with that plan. I haven't spoken to her since the week before we left for Maui--over four months now--whereas prior to this I'd never gone more than two weeks without talking to her in about 15 years. Her 40th birthday was January 12th, and I didn't even send her a card. I also didn't acknowledge her son's 9th birthday on February 1st (before I used to send each of her three sons a birthday card) or her first wedding anniversary on February 15th (even though I sent her an anniversary card every year that she was married to her first husband).

Her only contact with me was a text message sent two days after her birthday saying "how have you been?" I followed someone's suggestion and responded with a snarky "enjoying married life" response and had heard nothing from her since.

Until I got the mail on Monday evening and found that she had sent me a birthday card. The card itself was pretty generic, and the handwritten note inside was what one might write to any friend with whom one hasn't spoken in a while. Still no mention made of my marriage, and I kept my maiden name, so I didn't even have the satisfaction of seeing the small acknowledgement that seeing MM's surname after my first name on the envelope might have been.

I'm totally puzzled by this. To me, if a friend went from weekly contact to zero phone calls in four months and stopped commemorating my birthday and anniversary--when previously cards on those occasions had been the norm--it would be patently obvious to me that the friend was pissed off. I might not immediately know WHY she was angry, but I'd know for sure that something was up

Apparently D doesn't get it. My mom theorized that she *does* get that I'm mad and is trying to make up. . . but I don't think so. Wouldn't a logical first step in making up with an angry friend be to find out why she is angry with you and apologize or atone for that behavior? That step is completely lacking in this situation.

Mom also thinks that perhaps D thinks that my lack of contact is due to my marriage, but that makes no sense to me either. I've never been one of those women who ignores my female friends when I'm in a relationship. . . a fact that you think someone who had known me for over 20 years would know. Also, even if a newly-married friend might talk to you less often, surely no one would assume that she'd stop talking to you at all.

Anyhoo. I don't feel that her card requires any response on my part. Just curious about what might be in her mind.


TUWABVB said...

I think that she knows your mad, but she's afraid to confront it - so she cops out by sending a generic card. Or, she's so self-absorbed that she doesn't even pick up on it (which is totally possible with this kind of person). Either way, you have handled this with grace and can do no more until she tries to fix things.