Repulsed

215.8 (ugh)

I have been particularly repulsed by myself lately. Although I am about 65-75 lbs overweight, I usually don't spend a lot of time dwelling on how fat I look. . . . probably because I have been fat to some degree or another my entire adult life and have grown accustomed to it. Usually if my weight is bothering me, it's because I've had a hard time finding clothes in my size, I have no/low energy, or my weight is holding me back from doing something I want to do, like hiking the Grand Canyon.

But the past few weeks, I've just felt that my body is gross. Every time I sit down, I notice my huge belly. I know my a$$ is huge, too, but thankfully don't own a full-length mirror and so only really notice it in the shower. My calves are really thick. My upper arms have way more jiggle than I'd like. When I saw my wedding photos, I was reminded afresh that there's no two ways about it: I'm a fat girl.

Now that I'm married, in addition to feeling bad and frustrated with myself for my weight, I also feel bad for MM. MM works out five days a week, eats small portions, and has good genes, so he is pretty slim. (5'8" and about 165 lbs) Although I only weigh a few lbs more than I did when we met (I weighed 211.4 on the day of our first date) and he tells me that he loves me no matter what. . . . I can't help but feel that he deserves a wife who is in better shape.

MM often encourages me to go to the gym with him--and sometimes I do--but he focuses totally on my health, in particular the fact that my cholesterol is high and my doctor says I am supposed to be exercising at least 30 minutes three times a week. I know, though, that even if I actually did all three workouts a week (& more), I won't lose any weight. I will only lose weight if I exercise AND diligently police every bite of food I put into my mouth.

Anyway. . . it remains to be seen whether these feelings motivate me to any action.