Yawn

219.2 (wow, depressing)

At this point, I figure no one is even reading this blog any more. But it's still good for me to write about my feelings and chronicle my efforts.

As evidenced not only by the number on the scale above but also by the fact that I recently became winded walking up 5 flights of steps to my car in a parking garage, I desperately need to get my weight under control. I know how to do this--exercise regularly and make healthier food choices--but as ever, there is a disconnect between what I know and what I do.

I've read from numerous sources over the years that exercising first thing in the morning is supposed to give you more energy. I've seen evidence of this firsthand in several people I know.

I bought all the food I need to (yet again) restart South Beach this week. Cutting out sugar and starches just seems to work for me. I also decided to walk 15-30 minutes each weekday morning and focus on weight training when I go to the gym in the evenings. (Not only would this help "jump start" my day, it would also help the dogs get more exercise. Hunter needs to lose weight, and Sebastian needs to stay active for his heart.)

Planning to start the week off on a good foot, I put my plan into motion this morning. I woke up an hour earlier than usual today so that I could walk the dogs and have a leisurely breakfast before leaving for work. I took the dogs on a brisk 15-minute walk around the neighborhood (starting small, baby steps), followed by 8-10 minutes of stretching. I ate a healthy breakfast: scrambled eggs, salsa, V8, and 2 glasses of water. I felt full of energy when I hopped in the shower.

I have now been at work for a little over an hour-and-a-half, and I am really, really tired. It's not lack of sleep due to getting up earlier. . . . I went to bed earlier to compensate and still got about 7.5 hours of sleep. I gave up coffee (again) in mid-April and have grown accustomed to not having it every morning, so it's not lack of caffeine.

So riddle me this: if morning exercise gives you so much energy, why am I frickin' exhausted today? *sigh*

I'm starting to think that this whole "morning exercise will give you more energy throughout the day" thing is one of those habits that doesn't pay off right away. I probably have to do it for several days before I'll see the benefit.

Healthy lifestyle changes would sure be easier if I could see some immediate results.

SNAFU

216.4

My blog is sadly neglected of late. I have nothing to write about. Life is uneventful, unless you want to read my complaints about work and billable hours, and who wants to read that? (I am looking for another job, but it's not the ideal time to be job hunting.)

I am off the wagon again with healthy eating and exercise. I walk the dogs most evenings and make it to the gym maybe once a week, and that's the extent of my physical activity. I've given up on pilates, and I don't stretch regularly, though I have pain in my right piriformis almost all the time and sometimes in my lower back, too. I try to watch my portions and make healthier choices, but I know I'm not eating enough fruits & veggies.

My house is once again in chaos. You wouldn't know if if you came to visit because the common areas look OK, but that is due more to MM's efforts than to mine. Our home office looks almost as bad as it did before my BFF and I decluttered it last fall. I never even put away the Christmas decorations, which are shoved willy-nilly into random open boxes in the room. I never organized my bathroom cabinets as I'd planned, and my closet has fallen into disarray as well.

Right now I really don't care about my obesity, my sloth or the chaos in my house. My stress over work and the impact on our finances is my primary focus. I hate money worries!

So that's me in a nutshell. Still alive but apathetic.

Upward trend

217.0

I spoke too soon yesterday about the headaches; not two hours after I wrote my post, I developed a headache which persisted through aspirin and a cup of tea and was only relieved after I broke down and took some ibu.prof.en. Thankfully not a migraine but still annoying when I've been doing so well off caffeine.

The scale is up more today. I sometimes why I bother to weigh myself (almost) daily. It certainly doesn't seem to cause much change in my behavior.

I feel really bloated actually. MM and I had dinner at the Oli.ve Ga.rden (or "The OG," as he calls it) last night. Probably not the healthiest choice. I am drinking lots of water today and have a healthy dinner thawing in the refrigerator at home. So I hope to get rid of some of this bloat.

(almost) caffeine-free

216.2

It has been 13 days today since I last had a cup of coffee. My horrible migraines of the third weekend of April convinced me that perhaps I should have another go at giving up caffeine. While I have still had tea on occasion, at this point I have eliminated my daily morning cup of coffee entirely.

I'm not gonna lie; quitting has not been easy. Last week in particular was hard. . . . I felt sleepy and sluggish a lot during the day and had some mild headaches (which, surprise surprise, responded to one Ex.cedrin tablet. . . which contains 65 mg of caffeine). I was literally sleeping nine hours a night in order to wake up feeling rested, and the feeling still wasn't lasting all day.

Now, almost two weeks in, I am back to just sleeping eight hours a night. More often than not over the past several days, I have woken up before my alarm, feeling rested. My concentration at work has been fine. Today and yesterday I have felt the most energetic I have felt in a long time.

I have not been exercising (aside from walking the dogs for 20-30 minutes most evenings) and have not been focused on eating any particular way. Aside from cutting out the coffee, the only other change I've made is that I started five days ago taking a daily supplement for migraines called Mig.reLi.ef, which is a blend of riboflavin, magnesium and feverfew.

I am happy to report that, aside from the mild headaches I've had up until several days ago from caffeine withdrawal, I have had no headaches since April 11. This past Sunday, I made the 5-hour round trip drive to Tucson and even spent the better part of an hour out in the direct sunlight and did not get a migraine. (I often come home from trips like that with a bad headache.) I hope this trend continues; we shall see.

From the weight posted above, it's probably clear that I haven't been making an effort in the weight loss department. I have not been eating horribly, and I always drink 8-10 glasses of water a day, but I haven't been eating many fruits or veggies of late (and as I said, I haven't been exercising). The scale is starting to creep up again, and I know I need to get back on track.

Not much else to report. Work has been VERY slow this month, which for me is actually more stressful than being busy, but now I finally have a few projects. I'd better get to 'em.

Memory Lane

(forgot to weigh)

I've been thinking for a while about posting an excerpt from my one of my teenage diaries, just for fun. I'd thought, in fact, about posting about my first sexu.al experience, which I wrote about in detail the day after it happened.

So last night I dug out the journal for the relevant time period, and the first entry, dated June 14, 1986, began as follows:

"Sometimes I get so sick of life. I hate being fat and unpopular. . . . It's really depressing."

Um, yeah.

Reading on, I expressed my desire to "lose 20 lbs by the time school starts, 30-35 lbs eventually." Knowing that my high school goal weight was always 125 allows me to extrapolate that I must have weighed between 155 and 160 when I wrote this entry.

Ah, what I wouldn't give to weigh 160 now! Hey, it's only 55 lbs or so less than I weighed the last time I stepped on a scale.

How sad is it that, nearly 24 years later, I am still struggling with my weight? While I would no longer say I am "sick of life" and would not describe myself today as "unpopular"--what does that even mean, at 39?--it is still depressing to be fat.

Wow, good thing I didn't know at 15 that 24 years later not only would I not be "thin," I'd be even fatter than I was then. . . . I probably would have just ended it all. LOL

I guess I can take some comfort in the fact that I am much happier in my life overall than I was at 15, even if I am still not happy with my weight. As a good friend pointed out when I shared this diary entry with her, a big part of the reason I'm happier with life now is that the majority of my life now is of my own design and choosing, whereas at 15, it was mostly either of my parents' design or other circumstances beyond my control.

It has taken me a while to get to this point, but I am now (mostly) living the life *I* want to live.

Mixed bag

216.2

This weekend was a mixture of good and bad. The good included lots of "quality time" with MM. We went to the zoo on Saturday and out to lunch after, and went to a movie (Date Night) together on Sunday afternoon. Because my mom had been in town from early March until Easter, it had actually been a while since MM and I went out and did something fun, just the two of us.

We also had lunch Sunday with an old, old band camp friend of mine whom I had not seen in nearly 26 years. (She and I found one another on Fac.ebo.ok several months ago, and she was in town for a medical conference.) That was fun! I enjoyed seeing her and meeting her husband and daughters.

The bad: I went home around 1:00 on Friday afternoon when the headache I woke up with before 6:00 a.m. took a turn for the worse and added nausea to the mix. After a dose of prescription medication, I spent a few hours in bed and felt OK by 6:00 p.m. or so. Another headache started Saturday afternoon after the zoo and developed into a full-blown, debilitating migraine in short order. So I spent most of Saturday afternoon and evening in bed in horrible pain; none of the medications I took helped. It was awful. Thank G-d, I only get a headache that severe that can't be at least decreased by medication a few times a year.

Sunday I woke up headache-free but felt groggy and hungover from the previous day's headache and medications. I ended up going to bed at 9:00 p.m. and didn't finish my laundry or go to the grocery store.

This morning I woke up just after 7 with a mild headache. I took Ex.cedr.in and slept for another hour, and now I feel OK. . . . no headache but still not feeling 100%, a little tired despite over 10 hours of sleep.

I hate periods like this when my migraines are worse and more frequent! The hardest part is that I don't usually know what triggers these more-severe migraines, making it very hard to do anything to prevent them. The only possible trigger I could identify on Saturday was sun exposure. Even though I wore a hat, I was out in the sun for the better part of two hours while at the zoo. However, I live in Arizona, so I am often in the sun, and it's not every day that it leads to a severe migraine like Saturday's.

Moving on. . . . .

I would like to get back to the gym this week, assuming my head cooperates. (Clearly I am not going to bust out a full-on aerobic workout if I have a migraine.) Currently planning to go Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning.

Oh, happy anniversary to my sister V and her husband. They were married in Vegas 7 years ago today!

I suck

215.8

• Into week three "off the wagon." Wow, I think that's longer than I lasted on South Beach this go 'round.
  
• Ate Mexican/Chinese fusion for dinner last night (delicious but NOT a healthy choice)
• No exercise all week (I've even skipped a few dog walks)
• Scale is, predictably, climbing
• Unmotivated to change course

I suck. Why do I hate my body so much?

#667

215.2

I have been sitting at 666 posts for a few days, and though I really don't have much to write about, I decided I need to post because it was getting a little creepy seeing that number. ;-)

Probably not a surprise to anyone who has been reading this blog for a while: I used my trip to Las Vegas and lack of fresh foods in my house upon my return as a convenient excuse for slacking on the healthy eating and exercise. Good choices have gradually become fewer and fewer, to the point where I ate two bowls of blue corn tortilla chips with guacamole after work last night and three Girl Scout cookies (Tagalongs, my fave) after a healthy dinner.

I have been walking the dogs nearly every evening, so I have not been totally inactive, but I haven't been doing anything that actually elevates my heart rate into an aerobic range since before we left on our trip. . . ten days ago. I am totally off the wagon with my Pi.lat.es; haven't done the DVD once since Mom arrived the first week of March.

Also not a surprise: my energy level and mood have been for sh1t the last few days due to crappy eating and little exercise. When will I ever learn?

I really haven't got much else to report. I did have a good, relaxing weekend. We took my CASA child M to a spring training game on Sunday, and she enjoyed it, especially getting autographs before the game and running the bases afterward. I am volunteering on the "Woof Line" (general information line) for the boys' rescue organization this week, and I have already had more calls in two days than I did during the whole week the last time it was my turn to check the Woof Line.

Besides my sloth and work, Mom is still here through the day after Easter. We have enjoyed her visit (MM often comments on how much easier a houseguest she is than my dad and stepmom) and will be both glad and sorry to see her go. Sorry because we will miss her, and glad because we will once again have the house to ourselves.

The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous of late! I love this time of year in Phoenix. A month from now, it will be getting hot. Ugh.

Choices

214.4

I think it's normal to have days that make you question your life choices, even if only for a moment. (I know I had those days often when I was a hospital nurse.) I remember my ex-fiance SL used to say that when he was walking to court each morning, pulling a roller-bag full of files, he would look at the homeless people lounging on the grassy knoll en route and wonder if perhaps they didn't have the right idea and whether *he* was the "unfortunate" one.

Today was one of those days for me. I spent over six hours today in a mostly-useless deposition, while outside it is a beautiful, clear, sunny day. (Thankfully, we have a lot of days like this in Phoenix.) We didn't break for lunch, so my lunch consisted of some Corn Nuts and a 100-calorie snack pack of grasshopper cookies. . . very healthful. Instead of sitting in a conference room, watching the witness via videoconference in San Diego and listening to him and the other defense attorney arguing back and forth, I could have been hiking, or walking my dogs, in the nice weather, communing with nature.

Now that I am finally back in the office, I have two motion responses which must be completed before tomorrow morning, so I have at least three hours of work ahead of me, possibly more. It will be hours before I get to go home and see my husband, mom, and dogs (not necessarily in that order).

Oh well. I know that things can always be--and have been!--worse.

I'm back

214.6

I am back at work this morning following our extended-weekend trip to Las Vegas. The trip was good. The weather was nice, and we spent some time relaxing at the Mandalay Bay Beach. Our suite was awesome! My birthday itself was good: we spent most of the day at the Beach, and then went out for a delicious dinner at Nove' at The Palms, followed by O at Bellagio. Our seats at O ended up being in the very front row, and MM was pulled up on stage to dance with one of the clowns during one of their segments. (Too bad no photography is allowed; I would have loved to get a picture of that!) The whole show was great! I love Cirque du Soleil.

Monday we rode the roller coaster at New York/New York and took an outdoor gondola ride at The Venetian. Both activities I'd done before but really enjoy.

I lost a little money gambling, but no more than I'd budgeted to lose, and overall, the trip went just as we had planned.

While we were gone, I didn't work out at all, though I did get in a lot of walking (somewhat inevitable in Vegas). I did not stay 100% on plan with South Beach, but I did minimize my intake of less-healthy carbs, ate more lean protein than I might otherwise have done, and watched my portion sizes. I made it my goal not to ever leave the table uncomfortably stuffed, and I achieved that goal even at the buffet. It felt good not to waste vacation time in a "food coma."

I know I am a little dehydrated today, between flying and not drinking as much water as usual while I was out of my usual routine, so I am rehydrating. I have already downed my first liter of water this morning and am starting on my second. I have a healthy plan in place for lunch and dinner and will walk the dogs tonight after work. (I'll hold off on returning to the gym until tomorrow evening.)

The one tiny dark cloud over my weekend was that MM did a couple of things that really annoyed me. In fact, one of the things he did really pi$$ed me off, to the point where I really lost my temper. The thought crossed my mind after that incident that perhaps I am not tolerant enough to be married. (Yes, I have had this thought before, in prior relationships.)

It is a bit distressing that, after only 16 months of marriage and about 2 1/2 years together, my husband is already getting on my nerves. . . . to the point where I am giving serious consideration to just vacationing separately in future. Prior to this trip, I have enjoyed traveling with MM, so I'm not sure if his behavior has gotten worse, or if I becoming less tolerant, or both.

Oh well. Nothing MM did is a "divorceable offense," and he is unlikely to change (though he always claims he will), so I suppose I am just going to have to learn to be more tolerant.

Back to work! I must admit, I was kinda glad to have to come back to the office today in some ways. . . . .

Random Tuesday

215.2

I started adding "good" carbs back into my diet on Saturday. Since then, I've eaten fruit, whole grain bread, and brown rice. I also had a piece of cheesecake at my in-laws' on Sunday evening. Between these two factors, the scale jumped back up to 215.something yesterday and has stayed there.

I am not overly discouraged because I am still consistently down from the 220 I was when I started South Beach a couple of weeks ago. Plus, past experience tells me that I almost always have a small rebound gain when I start eating carbs again.

I need to ramp up my exercise again. I've been walking the dogs nearly every evening, but with my mom here, I have usually been taking her along. Which is great because she needs the exercise, but it also means that I am walking at a significantly slower pace. . . . a pace that doesn't even come close to elevating my heart rate into an aerobic workout zone. (I've stopped even wearing my heart monitor because my heart rate stays too slow even for a "light" workout when I'm walking with Mom.)

I did go to the gym on Saturday and had a good 30-minute workout on the elliptical trainer. If I want to keep losing weight, I know I need to be more diligent about making these workouts happen more than once a week.

MM and I leave on Saturday morning for a 4-day trip to Vegas. While we are there, I am going to focus on better choices and portion control. I know I am going to eat pasta, and possibly cake, on Sunday, which is my birthday. I should have ample opportunity to exercise while I'm there.

Not much else to report. Ho hum, ho hum.

Downward trend

213.8

I was quite surprised to see this morning's number on the scale. We had dinner at Red Lob.ster last night, and while I avoided carbs (except for one small bite of a biscuit), my dinner was certainly higher in fat and in sodium than what I would normally eat if I had dinner at home. Truth be told, I was expecting to see the number on the scale go up this morning. Maybe this South Beach diet really works. . . .

I do perceive a little bit of weight loss in my midsection, believe it or not. I can tell a slight difference in the way the waistlines of my pants fit, too. I'm not sure I will be truly convinced that this is "real" weight loss until I get down at least 10 lbs from where I started, though. As of today, I am down 6.2 lbs from my start weight of 220, so perhaps in the next few weeks, I will see 210!

I am still slacking on the exercise front. This morning I woke up with a headache for the second day in a row (yesterday's was at 3:15 a.m.), and though it has subsided to a dull ache at this point, thanks to medication, I'm not feeling a trip to the gym this evening. I will walk the dogs for sure sometime after work, because they didn't get to go for a walk last night, but that will probably be it for exercise for me today.

My food plan for today is simple. I am meeting my mom at a nearby Mexican restaurant for lunch, so my goal is to avoid the chips and tortillas and get something with some good protein. I am going to allow myself to have pinto beans, though technically I shouldn't be having them while I am still on Phase One of SB. For dinner, I am going to bake salmon fillets and steam some mixed vegetables. I'll have some lowfat string cheese for a snack if needed. I'm also drinking lots of water in hopes that it'll ease my headache; I doubt it's related to dehydration, but it can't hurt.

It seems that all I've written about lately are my efforts on the diet and exercise front, but I am hoping that the accountability will help me stay on track. I find that I can usually stick with any diet/exercise plan for a few weeks; it's the longer-term commitment that often evades me.

P.S. I added a weight loss ticker today. At first, I put my usual turtle (or snail) on the ticker, but I changed it to a star in hopes of projecting a more positive attitude about my eventual success. ;-)

My husband says I'm cruel

214.6

I'm still rockin' the South Beach. It's gotten easier, truth be told. The exercise still hasn't picked up, but I am walking the dogs for 20 minutes each night, so that's something.

I woke this morning to headlines about the death-by-overdose of 80s star Cor.ey Ha.im. I must confess, he is little more than a familiar name to me. While I have no doubt seen a couple of his movies when they came out over 20 years ago, they were not among my favorites, and I don't watch reality television,

Even MM mentioned this to me as soon as he was up. (The first thing MM does every morning is check CNN on his BlackBerry, before he is even out of bed.) When I told him that I don't see why the death of a washed-up child actor who was a known drug addict rates as front page news, he told me that I'm cruel.

Don't get me wrong. I think that the untimely death of anyone at age 38 is sad. I just don't see why it's all that newsworthy.

Maybe I am cruel. I still don't really get it. With all that is going on in the world, Co.rey Ha.im's overdose is the most important thing that has happened thus far today?

Weekend re-cap

216.0 (too bad; yesterday's was 215.4)

I enjoyed my weekend, and my eating was pretty good. I ate a big and late-ish dinner last night, which I believe is the reason the scale is up slightly this morning from the day before. Nevertheless, I am down 4 lbs today from where I was a week ago, so I'll take it!

The weekend weather put a damper on my exercise plans. I did take the dogs for their walk Friday evening, as planned, but I opted to skip the gym on Saturday morning because I had planned a 3-hour hike for Sunday. That turned out to be a bad decision. Unfortunately, the weather turned rainy earlier than expected on Sunday, and my hiking plans had to be scrapped. I ended up getting no exercise on Saturday or Sunday. Bummer.

All in all, last week was a decent one for my exercise-wise. I fell short of my goal of 2 miles of walking, 6 days a week, but I did get in four 30-minute (or longer) workouts. Not bad.

It is still overcast and intermittently sprinkling here today. I didn't do a good job of planning ahead today and did not bring my gym bag to work; in fact, I haven't even emptied it since last week's single trip to the gym on Wednesday evening. So no trip to the gym today. Even if the weather clears up a little later, I'd say outdoor exercise is probably out. The ground is soaked and muddy throughout our development at the moment, so unless I stuck solely to streets and sidewalks (which I usually don't do), it would be a messy walk, especially with the dogs. Maybe I will brave it anyway; we'll see.

I also did not come prepared with meals and snacks today. I had a good breakfast: a mini-omelet with two eggs and salsa. Lunch is easy: I'll just get a grilled chicken salad from one of the several restaurants near my office that make good ones. I have a healthful dinner planned which will take me only a few minutes to whip up once I'm home: leftover salmon from the weekend and frozen veggies. Snacks will be more difficult, and I usually eat two, one between breakfast and lunch and one a few hours after lunch. At the moment, I am not at all hungry, but we'll see how the day goes. There is a Fresh & Easy a few minutes from my office, and I can go there for some lowfat cottage cheese or something if necessary.

I had a productive day yesterday. My mom came to my office and helped me clean up my filing, desk and credenza, so the office looks far neater and more organized than usual. I'm hoping that it will inspire me to be more productive this week! I also did three loads of laundry and put them away, in addition to a bunch of clothes that have been hanging around the bedroom for a while. For some reason, having my mom around inspires me to be more organized. . . . which is very ironic, considering that my mom is quite DISorganized herself. (My sister and I used to rib her that we were going to nominate her for an episode of "Hoarders." She's actually not quite that bad, but she is a clutterbug.) Maybe she reminds me of what I don't want to be like. . . . a cautionary tale, rather than a good example to follow. Who knows.

Duty calls, so I have to get back to work.

Quickie

215.8 or 216.8 (depending on which step on the scale is to be believed)

All in all, I think I did pretty well yesterday. As I'd anticipated, I got in no exercise, but I did say no to the delicious boxtys and Irish soda bread being served at the Irish pub where we had dinner. . . both of which were very tempting. I had a huge salad with grilled chicken breast for lunch, broccoli and cauliflower with hummus for an afternoon snack, and for dinner, some seared Ahi tuna skewers and the innards of a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Not ideal, but still low-carb.

I am out of fresh veggies at home, so today's lunch will be another salad with chicken. I will probably pan-fry some peppers and chicken sausage for dinner--yum!

I am already planning my getaway from work today so I can get home early enough to walk the doggies while it's still light. It's shaping up to be a beautiful day here!

Here's to the weekend!!

I'll take it

216.4

Yesterday was not a perfect day, but I'll take it. I ended up eating a little bit of crispy tortilla strips which were in my southwestern chicken salad for dinner and two cheese sticks, and I only walked 20 minutes, or a little over 1 mile, for exercise, but considering I had a bad headache in the afternoon and my mom arrived around 5:00 p.m., I'll count it as a good day.

Progress not perfection, right?

The scale was down a little bit more this morning. Always encouraging. I am fully prepared to weigh tomorrow and see no change, or even a slight gain. I was prepared for that this morning, actually, and was pleasantly surprised that I still showed a "loss."

This evening may be a challenge. We are meeting friends for dinner at a pub, and I'm not sure what the menu is. Exercise is not going to happen either because of our dinner, unless it ends much earlier than I think it will and I can still get in a walk with the dogs before bedtime. Well, even if I skip tonight's walk, I still have the whole weekend to make it up. And I am planning on a 3-hour hike on Sunday, if it doesn't pour rain.

Firing on all cylinders

216.8

The scale shows down another pound today. This is all the more satisfying given that I started my period today, which usually means a temporary gain on the scale. Even though I know this is not true "weight loss," it's still nice to see a lower number. . . . makes me feel that I am getting closer to being under 200 (my immediate, short-term goal) all the time. ;-)

Yesterday was a pretty good day, diet- and exercise-wise. I followed SB Phase One to the letter, with one small exception: I allowed myself to add 1/4 cup of pinto beans to my salad at lunch. Just adding that little bit of "good" carbs to the meal helped tremendously; I felt full for nearly 4 hours, and I had no nausea and no energy slump. I ate every 3-4 hours throughout the day and never felt hungry, except when it was time for my next meal or snack.

In lieu of walking 2 miles, I did 32 minutes on the elliptical trainer at the gym. (Distance of 2.39 miles total.) I had a really kick-a$$ workout. . . . the kind of workout where I felt I could've just kept going for an hour had I wanted to. I kept my heart rate up near the top of my target range throughout and generally felt awesome. Nice. (On a side note: I am absolutely loving the Po.lar heart rate monitor I got for Christmas.)

Today is off to a little rockier start, as I had an early appointment and was running behind, due to waking up with a slight headache (second day in a row waking up with a headache). I've made the right food choices so far but will have to pick up lunch out somewhere. I have a couple of SB-compliant options in mind.

Exercise might be tricky as well, as my mother arrives this evening. Perhaps I will persuade her to go along with me on my 2-mile walk, though I know her pace is way below what would actually elevate my heart rate. Any exercise is better than none, though.

It feels really good to be in control of my eating again and to be exercising more regularly. Why do I tend to forget how much I enjoy this when I slip back into my habitual, slovenly ways?

Hope this trend continues. . . . and thanks to my sister for giving me the kick in the a$$ I needed to recommit.

Pizza, the temptor

217.8

I continue to chuckle at how much the scale lies. Really? I lost 2.2 lbs since yesterday morning? I think not.

My first day back on SB was pretty good. I had a little bit of an energy crash in the afternoon, probably due to the fact that I ate no carbs at all. (I'd slept great and had no other explanation for my slump.) I also felt faintly nauseated after eating 3 1/2 servings of vegetables at lunch (a HUGE salad). So maybe I won't pack that many veggies into one sitting again.

I walked for 34 minutes, burning 193 calories according to my heart monitor, but I think my distance fell slightly short of the 2 miles I'd planned. I'm not 100% sure because I haven't mapped that route or measured the distance.

I had one little slip: MM ordered a pizza for dinner, and I had two bites after eating my own dinner. It was thin crust with no toppings (on the bites I ate), so it wasn't the end of the world, but still. . . . carbs.

I drank my usual 2-3 liters of water. I had a massage yesterday afternoon, and my massage therapist commented immediately that she could tell I was very well-hydrated. I was peeing every 30-45 minutes there for a while during the day; far more than I thought was proportional to my water intake, which was curious.

We shall see how today goes. I am planning to hit the elliptical for 30 minutes this evening to knock out my daily 2 miles. I usually go around 2.25 miles in 3 minutes on there, so I can make up for the mileage I missed last night, too.

Recommitting

220.0

I restarted the South Beach diet today for about the 50th time (OK, maybe more like the tenth or eleventh.) I am helping my sister stay on track as she loses weight in preparation for her 20th high school reunion in June. Obviously I should be working on losing weight for my own reasons, but I'll take this as a motivator for now.

In addition to doing SB, we are going to walk 2 miles a day, six days a week. Keeping it simple. I may knock out some of my days as a 30-minute session on the elliptical trainer instead; we'll see.

My mom arrives for her annual visit on Wednesday evening. She will be here until just after Easter, so a little over a month. So I need to figure her into the equation, too.

Not much else to say about that. I'd need to lose exactly 70 lbs to reach a healthy BMI of 25 (150 lbs for my height of 5'5"). A doable goal, but a long-term one, to be sure. . . . clearly, I'm not going to get there in the next 2 months, or even the next 6 months.

Wish me luck. . . . .

Humdrum

218.0

Lately I am feeling like I am just living each day. I don't mean that statement in the positive, Zen way in which it might be interpreted (though I believe that there is certainly something to be said for living in the present and enjoying each moment.)

I mean that I am not taking a global view of my life or working toward any medium- or long-term goals. I just get up each morning and do what I must do to get through that day: go to work, eat, sleep, walk dogs, hygiene, etc. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. Humdrum.

This is not to say that I don't enjoy most aspects of my life. To the contrary; I am quite content. I am happy in my marriage. I love my dogs. I have great friends and family and am getting along fine with all of them and seeing as much of them as is reasonably possible, given everyone's schedules, distance and finances. I have lots of "me" time, and I have been making an effort to relax and read more in the evenings, once my "to be read" pile grew to over 15 books shortly after Christmas.

Work is the same as ever: some aspects are interesting, some less so. I still don't love billable hours, but I have realized that they are a necessary evil of my current position. I recognize and acknowledge the many positive aspects of my present job, and I know that, given the state of the economy and the job market, now is not the time for me to be looking to change jobs, even if I were that frustrated at work (which I'm not, most days).

I just feel ineffectual and directionless. To an objective outside observer, I would think my life looks pretty good. And no doubt, some third party would probably tell me that I have accomplished plenty in my life. From my perspective, though, I am the same fat, out-of-shape, disorganized person I was when I started this blog over four years ago. . . . honestly, I have been that same person for much, much longer.

I am OK with being in a somewhat stagnant place at work for the moment. I anticipate I will make a job change again at some point when the job outlook is better. I have some ideas about that but am totally aware that now is not the time. Looking at things from a broader perspective, I am even OK with being a somewhat mediocre lawyer. I still prefer it to my previous career.

But my acceptance of the current state of affairs with my career shouldn't mean that I have no goals on which I can focus. Quite the opposite. In fact, remaining in my same position while not having to learn a new one, and not job-searching, should free me up to focus more on other things. . . . things like exercising more, eating right, getting more organized at home, writing the novel I've often talked about and never started. Instead, I find myself as stagnant in my non-work life as I am at the office.

I am at a loss about what will shake me out of my complacency. I've tried baby steps. I've made attempts at a slow return to exercise a few times already this year. I am gung ho for a few days and then peter out. I start out most days with a healthy breakfast and a plan. Some days I actually stick to the plan, but as many days, I don't. I've tried doing "just 15 minutes" of cleaning and decluttering, and while it has kept the house from falling into complete chaos (along with MM's more regular cleaning routine), I have not made much progress.

Perhaps I need therapy? A cattle prod? To hire a "life coach"? I don't know.