When it rains. . . .

Sebastian & I were finally able to return home last night; SL moved to his new apartment yesterday. Predictably, he left some of his things--and a big mess--behind. But at least we are no longer living together.

In the midst of my personal crisis w/SL, I got a call from my mom early, early Saturday morning telling me that my stepdad had passed away. He had been in the hospital with pneumonia since March 20th and has been in declining health for the last few years, so his death was not entirely unexpected, but sad nonetheless. My mom seems to be coping OK, though she says she feels "like there's a hole inside me." They were together for over 27 years; I was 9 years old the first time I met him.

The small silver lining in the black cloud that is my breakup with SL is that my trial calendar for this week and next has been kept clear for months. . . allowing me to fly to Ohio to be with my mom for my stepdad's memorial service this Saturday. My sister and I will be flying to Columbus from our respective homes Thursday and driving together to Mom's rural Ohio home. Honestly, had Jim passed away two or three weeks from now, I would have had a very difficult time arranging my schedule to be there for my mom. So one little good thing has come out of cancelling our wedding.

Mom was worried that I would be upset that she set the memorial service on the date that was supposed to be my wedding day. I'm not upset at all; it is my fervent hope that in two or three years, April 7th will have no significance in my life.

That's my current life in a nutshell. Work is the same as ever, busy, one thing after another. Having a lot to do at work has probably helped keep me sane over the past several days. My trial schedule in late April and May is quite full, and I even have a few trials set already in June and July. . . so I should continue to be busy at work. And I've made a conscious decision NOT to actively look for another job until at least Labor Day. (Not to say that I will scorn any good opportunities that come my way.) I want to take a few months just to adjust to my newly-single status.

When I return from Ohio, I'll only have another week or so in the apartment SL & I shared before I move to a house. The house, which belongs to my supervisor, is a very cute 2-bedroom, 2 bath with a den, yard, and 2-car garage several miles northwest of where I currently live. SL & I were supposed to move there together at the end of April, but despite that fact, I think it will be a good place for me to make a new start: totally unfamiliar part of town, different route to work, far from SL, and no associations with our relationship. My supervisor & I have worked out an arrangement where I am only paying her what I'd be paying for a one-bedroom apartment. It's to her advantage to have the house occupied by someone she trusts, and I am obviously reaping a huge benefit because she could get twice the rent on the open market.

I'm also joining Jenny Craig when I get back. Yes, I've blogged about this before, and about trying to lose weight in other ways, too, but this time I will follow through. I've already made the intake appointment for April 10th. My focus is going to be on myself again for the first time in a long time; I think that shift in focus will help me to do what I didn't/couldn't do while I was with SL. The change in neighborhood is also going to help me get out and walk the dog more, simply because the area is more conducive to that than where we currently live.

I am still sad, but I am hopeful that I will eventually feel better.

Breaking news: the wedding is off!

Wow, it's been ages since I wrote anything on here. I'm only writing today because I am getting all talked out, but still feel the need to get my feelings out.

SL & I broke up on Sunday. Our wedding was set for April 7th, so we called it off less than two weeks prior. I had actually just had my bridal shower the previous day (which, on a side note, was a wonderful day with lots of friends there). Never thought I'd do something like this, but I just couldn't go through with the wedding.

SL drinks. Sometimes a lot. More than the fact that he drinks to excess, I have been disturbed by the pattern of his drinking: seldom in social situations, usually alone; hiding or minimizing the amount that he drinks; rarely being able to stop at just one or two drinks; forbidding from even mentioning to his parents that he drinks. He has never been abusive or hateful when he drinks--just annoying, as any drunk person is to a sober person--and it has never affected his job. So he seems to think that makes his drinking OK. I couldn't disagree more.

His drinking has significantly affected our sex life, embarrassed me, disgusted me, and just generally made me extremely concerned about the future. My background as hospital nurse, my own experience with a previous alcoholic boyfriend, my friends' experiences, and my mom's experiences with her own alcoholic husband of 25+ years perhaps make me a little more aware of this issue than the average person. As I once told him calmly days after a fight, someone who chooses to use alcohol as his primary coping mechanism cannot be the kind of life partner I want. I'd rather have no husband at all than a husband who can't or won't support me in every way.

Though it wasn't obvious from the blog entry itself, I actually wrote about my concerns on this issue back on January 19th (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/01/its-been-while.html). We'd started seeing a couples counselor in November because of his drinking (though he would tell you it's because of my temper). After a drinking-related big blow-up in October, I gave SL an ultimatum: start counseling with me, or move out. I half-expected to end it then, but to my surprise, he was willing to go to counseling.

At the January 19th appointment--our third--I told the counselor I wanted to call off the wedding because SL had made little to no effort in counseling: continued to drink, hadn't gone to see a psychiatrist to regulate/evaluate his anti-anxiety meds (which he genuinely needs; no shame in that), hadn't gotten a substance abuse evaluation as the counselor had suggested.

At that point on January 19th, when he realized I was actually ready to walk out of his life, he finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist and a commitment not to drink for at least 30 days. To his credit, he followed through and did both; in fact, he didn't drink at all for 6 weeks. After 3 weeks of sobriety and two psychiatrist visits (with changes in medications), I had real hope that this issue was being resolved. I've never been 100% convinced that he has a true drinking problem, rather than just making poor choices in regard to alcohol. I went ahead and mailed the invitations to our wedding the following week.

However, on March 20th--the day before my birthday--he came home with a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka (think: Costco-sized with a handle). I have asked him before (a) not to bring liquor into the house at all, and (b) if he must, not to buy in bulk, and I called him on it. As per his usual, he said I was overreacting and pointed out that the big bottle was "on sale." He poured himself two drinks, after which I marked the bottle with a line at the alcohol level and the dat--right in front of him.

No drinking Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday, to my knowledge: each night we were out late, and I saw no signs in the mornings that he'd been drinking the night before. And after two years of putting up with his drinking, I've gotten pretty good at spotting those signs.

Saturday night was his bachelor party. The ironic thing is, he didn't even get drunk that night. . . though I'd told him before that, in my view, that was the one night when I would have found it acceptable for a man to get obliterated and would've said nothing. Instead, he was home by 11:30 with a slight buzz and nothing more.

Sunday morning/early afternoon, I went out and when I returned home around 2, I had a migraine. SL was solicitous: he brought me medicine, heated up a hot pack for my neck. I went to sleep for a couple of hours. It was when I woke up that the sh!t hit the fan.

Immediately I could tell that SL had been drinking. It was about 4:30 in the afternoon at this point. I should note that SL is a big guy--about 5'11", close to 300 lbs--with quite a tolerance, so for me to be able to tell he has been drinking. . . he has already had more than one or two. Know what I mean?

I asked him point-blank if he had been drinking. Yes. How much? Three or four drinks. Don't bullsh!t me, I said. How many STANDARD drinks have you had? (Yes, we are both lawyers, and he spent 18 months prosecuting DUIs. . . so he knows damn well what is meant by a "standard" drink.) "Only 3 or 4."

I went to the cupboard where I know he keeps his vodka and pulled out the bottle. That Costco-sized bottle now had about 3 shots left in it. In other words, he had consumed the better part of 1.5 liters of vodka!

I can't even describe my feelings when I saw this. Anger, sure. Hurt. Sick to my stomach. That feeling of "oh no, not again." For one brief moment, I thought "I'll just put this bottle back and say nothing." Because I knew if I called bullsh!t, it would be a fight. Maybe I even sensed what the outcome would be.

Well, by the title of this post, you've likely already guessed that I didn't put the bottle back and say nothing. I confronted him; things escalated to yelling. The usual from him: I need to lighten up, it's not a big deal, I need to control my temper. At one point, as I was standing less than a foot from him, screaming at him, he turned away & tried to ignore me; I punched him in the shoulder to get his attention.

That finally did get his attention, though not in the way I'd hoped. He looked at me, stunned & hurt, and said "you don't hit me." To which I replied that he was lucky I didn't belt him across the face to get his attention. . . or words to the effect. (No, I didn't state it that calmly, and profanity was definitely included.) No excuses for my behavior: it was wrong of me to resort to even a punch on the arm. No question about it.

This time, when I said, as I had so many times before, "if you're gonna keep this sh1t up, then we're done," he said "OK, then we're done." I have to admit that for a moment, I was stunned. . . only because I've said this to him probably 15-20 times over the last two years, and that has never been his response. He usually either says nothing or promises to quit drinking or at least cut back.

I left the house to cool off for an hour; when I returned, he'd gone to a party with a friend. (A going-away party for a couple we are friends with--the husband was to be his best man. We were supposed to have attended together.) I went to the party to say goodbye to our friends, then found SL by himself. Predictably, at that point, he had had even more to drink than during our prior confrontation.

I asked if he was sure this was what he wanted. "Absolutely." I told him that I was going to go home, call all my friends & family and tell them the wedding was off, and cancel what I could the next day. And he told me to go ahead.

So here we are. In a matter of days, I have gone from being an object of envy to an object of pity. The hardest part has been the mutual friends & acquaintances to whom I cannot tell the real reason for our break-up. My own friends and family have been super-supportive. I have been deeply touched to know the depth of their love for me, and though it doesn't make this any easier, it helps a little.

Monday I cancelled our chapel package, returned my wedding ring to the jewelry store, cancelled the tuxedos, and cancelled the private room at the restaurant for our reception. I left my engagement ring on his bathroom vanity. The one fortunate thing--if there is one, in this whole mess--is that we were getting married in Vegas. So even though it was now less than 2 weeks before our scheduled wedding date, I was still able to cancel some things and get some money back. I actually saved SL $1500+ of his money by making the calls I did on Monday.

He has already found a new apartment and is moving out on Sunday. I have been staying elsewhere in the interim to give him space to pack and to avoid contact with him. We have communicated a few times via email or text message when it's been necessary to work out logistics. Other than that, we've barely spoken 50 words to each other since Sunday.

Oh, and I should note: I overheard his call to his mother late Sunday night, letting her know that the wedding was off. He told her he broke up with me because I hit him in the face. When I first heard it, I was angry that he would lie. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought "what else was he going to do?" He certainly wouldn't have told her the truth. And frankly, at the end of day, what the hell do I care what his parents think of me? I will likely never see or speak to them again. They would've taken his side regardless. . . just as my parents and sister have taken mine.

At this point, I am just so sad that things turned out this way. In a way, I wish I had walked away in October, when I knew this was a definite, deal-breaking issue that was not going away on its own. But as my best friend says, at least now I will never wonder if things could've been worked out if I'd only been willing to put in more effort and go to counseling. Now I know, without a doubt, that his drinking would've continued to be an issue throughout our marriage. I probably would've ended up miserable.

The knowledge that I have done the right thing for me doesn't make this much easier, though. I still love SL, and I am mourning so many things. The loss of the relationship we had--which, despite his drinking, was 95% good--and the loss of all the plans we had made together. Our wedding itself, the life we'd hoped to have after we were married, the children we'd hoped to have. And he has been one of my closest friends for the past 2+ years.

I'm sad for him, too, because I believe in many ways that this break-up must be harder on him than on me. I am his first real girlfriend, so he has no prior experiences of a like nature to draw on for reference or for coping skills. I know that he has no one with whom he will talk about his feelings; he has often told me that I was the only person he'd ever opened up to. And he is still going to have to live with his own self-destructive behaviors when all is said and done.

Well, if you've gotten this far, I'm surprised & commend your attention. :) Though tears are streaming down my face as I finish this entry--and I am at the office!--I feel a little better for having put it all down in type.

Happy Valentine's Day

In honor of snackiepoo and Valentine's Day, I am posting one thing I love about myself today.

I love my ability to keep in touch with friends. I am very proud of the fact that I have several very long-term friendships that I have preserved despite multiple interstate moves and a career change.

There was a time in my life. . . when I was much younger. . . that I used to wish I had a lot of friends. Now I do! And I am so blessed.

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog anymore. . . but if anyone does, you can post one thing you love about me. :)

Rowan with Nana De

Already looking skeptical, and he's only 2 months old. Cute!!

It's been a while

Once again, it's been a while since my last blog entry. *Aside: re-reading that just now, I had a flashback to the confessional . . . "bless me, Blogger, for I have sinned; it's been 15 days since my last entry." If you're Catholic, you get it. :)

For most of those 15 barren days, I can offer no reasonable explanation for my neglect. This week, however, I have been struggling mentally & emotionally with a big decision in my personal life. I don't want to offer any detail because I think there are a few folks who know me IRL who occassionally read this blog. Suffice it to say that, after much thought, anguish, etc., I think I have decided what I should do.

It's funny: I might've thought that typing my thoughts out here would help me reason things out. But it seems I value my privacy in this area even in this limited arena. Quite unlike me to keep something to myself, really. . . I am usually a little too open about things in my personal life. At least, that's what my mother tells me.

I'm still doing nothing about my weight. I am holding steady in the low 230s (lovely). I think about exercising; I think about joining Jenny Craig; I think about eating more veggies & less cheese. But that's all they are: thoughts.

A couple of things that might soon get me back on at least the exercise wagon: I saw photos of the way my arms look in my wedding dress--yuck--and my beloved Sebastian has begun to chew up my shoes.

Yes, little furry angel Sebastian, at age 5, has become quite destructive. Three pairs of work shoes have bitten the dust in the past two weeks. He has also chewed up innumerable socks & briefs of SL's, as well as a couple pairs of my panties. I tease SL that he is trying to teach us to pick things up off the floor.

I know he cannot be teething, and he does not suffer from separation anxiety. . . so the only logical explanation for this doggy behavior is lack of adequate exercise & stimulation. It has been months since the poor boy has been walked regularly; not just a quick jaunt outside to do business, but a real exercise walk. I have taken him to the dog park a couple times--one time he was attacked by a mean pit bull--but that's it for about 4 months. With the shorter winter days, we'd be going in the dark if we went either before or after work. I'm not sure yet what the solution is; there is nowhere remotely close to our home that I can safely walk him in the dark. But something's gonna have to change. My shoe budget will not allow the purchase of many more pairs. . . and I can't stand to see this evidence that my precious boy is unhappy either.

My little nephew is growing like a weed! At his recent 2-month doctor visit, he weighed nearly 16 lbs and is over 24 inches long already. His pediatrician says he is in the 90th percentile for height & weight. I saw a 3-month-old in a restaurant today who was much smaller than Rowan; my friend said that baby was "normal" size. Rowan is also absolutely ADORABLE! Though I will admit I am likely biased. :)

Glad it's the weeekend!

Just for today

I read this in Dear Abby, and, for some reason, it really resonated with me. I have printed it out and am going to refer to it periodically and try to follow it.

JUST FOR TODAY:

*I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

*I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

*I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct, and accept those I cannot.

*I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

*I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.

*I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

*I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully--if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

*I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsiblity for my own actions.

Sick of being sick

As I mentioned, I contracted the worst cold I've had in a long time back on the 12th, and I am still not 100%. I've continued to have a lingering cough; I was treated for an ear infection but still have a clogged feeling in that ear off & on; and since last night, my left tonsil has felt sore & itchy. (sigh) I sound like a big baby, but I'm just not used to not feeling right.

I am pretty proud of the amount of work I have gotten done in my office this week. If only I could be so productive at home! Our place is a pigsty at the moment. I feel like I am pretty on top of my caseload for the first time in months. What a good feeling.

I went to the eye doctor this morning and got a clean bill of eye health. LOL My prescription didn't even change, so I only had to pick up 2 more boxes of contact lenses. Lucky, lucky.

I'm getting a full leg wax this evening! My leg hair is obscenely long at the moment above mid-calf, so I thought this might be a good time to wax. And no, SL has not been having to see or deal with the long leg hair: it started growing while I was at my sister's and we have not been, ahem, intimate since then due to our both being ill. SL will be pleasantly surprised when he finally does see my legs again. LOL And it will be nice not to have to shave for a while.

It was raining pretty steadily here from about midnight until early afternoon today. A rare occurrence here! Our daytime high was only supposed to be 50 degrees, so it's been quite chilly as well. I could see my breath when I went out to lunch. Very unusual for southern Arizona!

SL's parents are due back this weekend. Once they return, he & I are probably going to buy a new couch! We need their truck to pick it up and avoid delivery charges. I saw a couch I like at the LaZBoy Furniture Gallery earlier this month when SL's mom bought his Xmas present (a LaZBoy recliner); the price was reasonable. My current couches are about 9 years old and are considerably the worse for wear. (It didn't help that they were in storage for 3 years, have been moved 5 times, and have endured 3 dogs and a cat.) I've been wanting a new couch for over a year, so I'm pretty excited to get one.

What a boring post! Ah well. Life's not all excitement.

100 days

Today quietly, without fanfare or announcement to anyone, I decided to start improving my eating. I brought lunch (Lean Cuisine panini) and a healthy snack (nonfat yogurt). I'm on my 3rd liter of water.

I ate one Ferrero Rocher chocolate candy in addition to the food I'd brought from home. Big deal. I've eaten LOTS of candy over the past month. Just the mere fact that I didn't eat out, didn't get a flavored coffee, and didn't do any other snacking puts me way ahead of where I've been lately.

Our wedding is 100 days from today. I've pretty much accepted that I am going to be fat on my wedding day. But hell, I've been fat most of my life. Nonetheless, I am going to make an effort to get in at least a little better shape between now and then.

I'm not going to make any promises or write any more about this for today. It's enough that I've made a real effort, for the first time in way too long.

My office has been freezing all day today! It's often a bit chilly in here--my secretary & I joke that it's haunted by evil spirits--but today it's really cold. I have my little space heater blowing right on me. And I am not one of these people who is cold all the time. . . far from it.

SL & I have a counseling session tonight. We are supposed to be discussing what our respective expectations are for one another after marriage. I have thought some about this, but haven't really come up with two many concrete expectations. I expect him to support me in my endeavors, treat me with respect, not sleep with other women, share in parenting responsibilities when/if we become parents. Other than that. . . I'm not really sure I *have* expectations. Although I probably do have them; I'm just not able to articulate them. Hmmm. Wonder what he's going to come up with for me. Each time I've asked, he's joked that he expects me to "behave" and "obey" him. LOL He knows neither of those things is gonna happen.

Fa la la la la la la la la

Work is really weird today. There was only about one-fourth of the usual amount of traffic on the way downtown. . . which was nice, but odd. Once I got to the office, probably half the staff & attorneys on my floor are out today. So it's been unusually quiet.

Our Xmas was pretty good. Poor SL has the nasty cold that I had Dec 12 through 18; he started feeling "not right" Friday evening and got worse from there. He still sounded & looked pretty icky this morning, poor lamb. We had a nice Xmas Eve dinner at The Melting Pot (though I'm sure he would've enjoyed it more had he not been sick). And we spent a nice day at our friend F's mother's yesterday.

SL got me a lovely gold diamond circle pendant for Xmas. I got him an iPod Nano. He was surprised; when he saw the wrapped box, he thought he was getting a watch. He had been wanting an iPod of his own ever since he bought me mine for my birthday, so he was psyched.

I got some other nice gifts, too. My sis got me a $100 AmEx gift card; she intended for me to use it to buy Adobe Photoshop, but I might use it toward a new trial suit (since I am too fat for most of mine and I have a trial on 1/9). SL's sis gave me a lovely pen/pencil set and a $50 gift card to Sam's. (I'll probably use that gift card toward Photoshop.) SL's parents gave me two bottles of my favorite wine, a really cool string of potpourri, and a hand-carved wooden jewelry holder. My dad & his wife gave me a $15 iTunes card, a sweater, a pedicure kit off our BB&B registry, and a new memory card for my digital camera. My mom's gifts have not yet arrived; I'm hopeful they'll be in today's mail. My dear friend D sent me a Vegas-themed memo board. . . though I had asked for no gift. :)

Now that Xmas is over, I need to knuckle down on some wedding planning stuff. Our wedding is less than 15 weeks away! I need to: start alterations on my dress (& maybe buy a crinoline); arrange transportation to & from our reception site, for us & for guests; start addressing our invitations. SL needs to get the ball rolling on their tuxedos.

More important than all those details. . . I need to lose some frickin' weight!! As soon as SL has recovered from his crud, we are going to return to lifting weights at the gym. After this week, when my dogsitting of Dickens is over, I'm going to start getting up before work at least 3 mornings to walk or use the elliptical trainer. I am either joining Jenny Craig, or devising my own combination Jenny/Weight Watchers plan. I've GOT to drop some weight before the wedding: at least 15-20 lbs.

Thank God for my usual good health

I flew back from my sister's late on Saturday Dec. 9th after numerous airline delays. I barely had enough time on Sunday to greet the future in-laws and take my CASA child to the annual Christmas party before having to return to work on Monday.

Upon my return to the office, several people were sick. I rarely get colds, and when I'd flown cross-country twice in less than two weeks without contracting anything, I figured I was going to dodge another bullet. Not so.

By mid-afternoon on Tuesday, I had that tired, scratchy-throat, achy-ear feeling that nearly always means a cold is coming on. I woke up Wednesday feeling lousy; despite all I had to do at the office, I called in sick in the hope that a day of complete rest would help me kick the cold quick. No such luck.

I ended up being home sick Thursday as well. . . though I dragged my a$$ in on Friday, I was quite a bit less than 100%. (However, since I work in government, giving less than 100% effort on a payday Friday can go pretty much unnoticed, especially close to the holidays. LOL) I was up the last two nights with a horrible cough. I've been having insomnia--a VERY rare occurrence for me--and when I can get to sleep, the coughing usually wakes me up, gasping for breath.

Ugh. I think I am over the worst of it now, though I still have a nasty lingering cough. I am one of the worst patients! I have no tolerance for feeling sick. . . . probably because it's such an unusual state of affairs for me. For which fact I am VERY grateful!

Despite feeling icky, I made it through SL's office Christmas party last night (very fun: I even won a $100 gift certificate to a local fancy restaurant as a door prize!) and through an hour-and-a-half at Chuck E. Cheese's today with M, my CASA child. I could go to sleep right now. . . but I am eschewing a nap in hopes that being REALLY tired when I go to bed tonight (at, say, 9:30 or so) will help me fall asleep.

It's hard to believe Christmas is only a week from tomorrow! All my shopping is done; I'm mailing off my last two gifts (gift certificates) tomorrow. I really didn't have too many folks to shop for, since most of my friends & I have long since agreed to exchange cards only.

SL & I are going to have a very low-key Christmas, just the two of us. We have actually not spent Christmas together before, so I'm looking forward to it. (We started dating in February 2005; we each spent last Christmas with our respective parents, in two different states.) At one time, we'd thought that we might take a weekend trip to Vegas over Christmas. . . with the excuse that it would be a "scouting trip" for our April wedding there. . . but ultimately decided we'd rather not spend the money on that trip. (Hotel & airfare only were nearly $600.)

Things should be relatively quiet at the office this week. Many of the judges will be taking vacation, as I'm sure will many of the attorneys. With fewer divisions of the court in session, I should be able to catch up from my recent illness. (I actually wasn't terribly behind due to my vacation; I did a pretty decent job of clearing things up ahead of time.)

As soon as I kick this dastardly virus, I'm getting back on the exercise wagon. My wedding dress has arrived, and my upper body is NOT looking very pretty! LOL

I am home from work sick today. . . second day in a row. I'm pretty sure it's just a bad cold, but I have no energy. . . in addition to headache, body aches, congestion, & sore throat. Ugh.

I have plenty of stuff I could be doing at work. . . but none of it is super urgent. I just hate taking two sick days when I've only been back from vacation for 2 days!

Must rest. . . .

Motivated at last?

I'm very proud of myself! I am still at my sister's, and I just got off the treadmill. I walked for 30 minutes at a "brisk" pace. . . brisk enough to keep my heart rate up and get me sweaty, anyway. . . though I never got much over 4 mph. I even jogged for a minute. . . and I would've jogged longer, but the jogging was freaking out my sister's dog. :)

I'm sure most people would say that a few weeks before Christmas is a less-than-ideal time to embark on any type of weight loss or fitness challenge. But these days I'll take my motivation where I can find it. Goodness knows, my moments of inspiration have been few and far between this year.

I'm hoping that having done a bit of exercise this morning will inspire me to eat healthier today, too. So far, all I've had is a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch with some 2% milk. I'm starting to get hungry, though. Maybe I will take advantage of the nearby Chik-Fil-A and get us some yummy salads for lunch. . .

You would think that my wedding--which is coming up in just a little over 4 months--would give me motivation to shape up & lose some weight. As we've seen, not so much. One thing that may motivate me, though, is the desire to be healthier for my future children.

Being with my sister & her newborn son has gotten me thinking a lot more about the fast-approaching day when I will (God willing) have my own baby. I would certainly hate to start out a pregnancy at my current weight & fitness level. In college, I was birthing coach for a dear friend of mine. (Her son is now 15, so that'll tell you how long ago THAT was.) I've always remembered something the midwife told us at the childbirth classes we attended: to your body, giving birth is similar to running a marathon in the amount of endurance it requires. Who would want to run a marathon at 230 lbs?? Certainly not me. I know I have to be healthier & exercising regularly in order to have a healthy pregnancy & a healthy baby. Plus, it'll just be a lot less taxing on me in the long run. Even with a normal weight gain, I could easily end up close to 270 by my ninth month if I started here. Aye, the stress that would put on my joints & heart!

Not to mention the fact that being as overweight as I currently am may actually interfere with my ability to conceive in the first place. I have been tracking my temperature daily since August, and I've learned that I do, in fact, ovulate (hooray!). But I need to be doing everything I can to ensure optimal fertility. I've already allowed the most fertile years of my life to pass without getting pregnant by waiting until age 36 to start trying. I shouldn't compound that potential problem by being a fat, lazy sack. I can't control my age, but I can certainly control what I eat and when/if I exercise.

I had a great time meeting my friend A in DC for a late lunch (instead of brunch) yesterday. So fun to chat with a young, single friend! I also hadn't been into the city for a few years. I'm always moved to see the Capital and the Washington Monument, even if only fleetingly and from a distance. I've always liked the "feel" of DC, too. Not sure if I'd be happy living there, but I've always loved visiting. I even took a little detour and drove through Georgetown on the way home. So many beautiful people hustling & bustling to get their holiday shopping done.

I've really enjoyed spending time with my sister and with my nephew. . . but on the whole, no one would describe this as a "fun" or relaxing "vacation." Taking care of a newborn is a lot of work, even for two people. And because he's so little, we've hardly gone anywhere. . . two trips to Target & one to Babies R Us have been the entirety of our outings. I don't mind a bit, though, because this is exactly what I anticipated my stay would be like.

I'm still planning to meet my friend/ex R for lunch on Friday. I'm looking forward to it. I haven't seen him since his wedding in November 2000.

How many shopping days 'til Christmas?

I cannot believe it is already December 2nd! I hate to say this--because I think it makes me sound old--but I can't believe how fast this year has gone by.

I have not yet begun to shop for Christmas. I have a pretty good idea what I am going to get for over half the people on my (very short) list. The others. . . no clue.

I also don't know what SL & I are doing for Christmas this year. His parents will be visiting his sister in San Antonio; we don't want to go with them since we will be seeing them all winter. I just went to my dad's for Thanksgiving. My mom lives too far away. We had thought we'd like to take a little weekend scouting trip to Las Vegas. . . but it's looking like that's not really in our budget. Bummer. Well, we'll see. We've got about 3 weeks to figure it out. LOL

I've addressed nearly all my holiday cards while I've been here at my sister's. I've also read two novels and watched way more TV than usual. Reading, watching TV, and chatting are about the only things I've found I can do successfully while feeding or rocking the baby. Because my sister sometimes tries to nap when I'm with my nephew, chatting is not always an option.

I'm going into DC tomorrow morning to meet a friend for brunch in the Adams Morgan neighborhood. I haven't seen her for almost a year; I'm looking forward to it! It'll also be the first time I have left the house for any length of time since arriving at my sister's. (I've gone out twice alone to pick up food or run errands. . . but that really doesn't count.)

SL's parents are driving down from Alaska. They started out on Monday morning; as of last night, they were already in Montana and hoping to make it to Salt Lake City tonight. SL says he expects them at our home on Monday or Tuesday. They should be ensconced in their own apartment by the time I return home next week. Their departure date is never firm, but it is likely they will be in town through Valentine's Day at least.

I'd hoped to start eating better & exercising while at my sister's, but so far that has not happened. I still have hope, though; I'm here until the 9th. We straightened up the great room today so that using the treadmill would actually be a possibility tomorrow. And my eating hasn't been AWFUL. . . just not ideal.

I'm already contemplating whether I should bother making New Year's resolutions this year. My resolutions for 2006 were certainly not realized!

Oh.My.Goodness

I'm writing this from my sister's living room as I watch my 3-week-old nephew sleeping in his cradle (bassinet?) a couple of feet away. I am here in northern Virginia visiting V & the new baby (& oh yeah, V's husband D) for a couple of weeks. I'm minding baby until he awakens for his next feeding in . . . oh, say 30 to 60 minutes.

I arrived yesterday evening without fanfare. V is understandably exhausted due to being a new mom. My drive home from the airport with D in rush hour traffic was almost twice as long as my layover in Dallas (which was barely long enough to make it from one gate to another in time to board my connecting flight). Good times.

My new little nephew is adorable! Being with a newborn for the past 24+ hours for the first time in a long time has been an interesting experience. . . to say the least. SL & I have talked a lot about our desire to have a baby of our own within 15-18 months after our wedding. You do the math: that would mean this time in 2 years, it'll be me suffering sleep deprivation and not my sis. I'll be the one with the cracked nipples, swollen breasts, achiness, mood swings, etc. Not to mention recovering--mentally and physically--from childbirth. The most notable thing to me is the baby's total dependence on the adults in his world to meet his needs.

Don't get me wrong: I am no stranger to the world of babies, so I'm not thinking about any of these things for the first time. I was a hospital RN for 7 years; I've worked in post-partum & cared for newborns as my patients. I also have close friends with children ranging in age from a few months to 15 years of age. I had extensive contact with at least 4 of those kids' friends during their first few months of life. I've fed, burped, & changed the diapers of many a newborn in my day. I guess I am thinking more about all these things this time for a couple of reasons.

One, because my nephew hits closer to home. My sis & I are only 2 years apart: I'm actually the older sister, though she's done most things first as adults--become a lawyer, married, become a mom--go figure. And two, because when I helped my friends with their babies. . . I knew that the day when I would have those same responsiblities for my own baby, 24/7, was FAR distant. Now. . . God willing, not so much.

So it has been a thought-provoking 24 hours.

It's great seeing V again. I hadn't seen her since before she got pregnant. It's a bitch living 3000 miles from your only sister. And I do love my nephew. He is adorable.

Nephew had a "weight check" today at the doctor's because he lost weight the 2 weeks following his birth. (A not-uncommon occurrence, but the doctor was a little concerned at V's milk production & so had her start supplementing with formula a week ago.) The little bugger gained 16 oz in a week! That puts him at 13 oz over birth weight, which means his average weight gain is right on target. He was deemed "perfectly normal" by his pediatrician (though V says this is an understatement & he is a "super" baby).

I've probably gained a pound in a week before. I doubt it'd be cause for celebration. Ah, how things change as we age. LOL

I had my first fleeting thought of work this evening. Bah! It's nice to be out of the office, but I always worry about things going wrong in my absence. I've been burned more than once in that regard. That aspect of my change is one of the few things that I miss about being a nurse: work was never waiting for me at the hospital when I returned from a vacation.

I'm hoping to see a few friends while I'm here in the DC area, too. Figure my sis & bro-in-law will probably appreciate a break from me in the evenings after I've been here a few days. LOL

STOLEN from another blogger

Copy, bold the things you’ve done, and post.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula (but I've seen one up close)
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (mixed w/tequila! ugh!)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states (close, 38)
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving (always wanted to, & will someday)
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married (not yet, but I will in April!)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (LOL! Yeah, right)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo (never would)
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
99. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
100. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
101. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
102. Had plastic surgery (never would)
103. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
104. Wrote articles for a large publication
105. Lost over 100 pounds (someday. . . )
106. Held someone while they were having a flashback
107. Piloted an airplane
108. Touched a stingray
109. Broken someone’s heart
110. Helped an animal give birth (I watched, but didn't help)
111. Won money on a T.V. game show
112. Broken a bone
113. Gone on an African photo safari
114. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears (never would)
115. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
116. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
117. Ridden a horse
118. Had major surgery
119. Had a snake as a pet
120. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (I will someday)
121. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
122. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
123. Visited all 7 continents
124. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
125. Eaten kangaroo meat
126. Eaten sushi
127. Had your picture in the newspaper
128. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
129. Gone back to school
130. Parasailed
131. Touched a cockroach
132. Eaten fried green tomatoes
133. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey (I tried to read the Iliad once)
134. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read (Jane Austen, among others)
135. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
136. Skipped all your school reunions
137. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
138. Been elected to public office
139. Written your own computer language (LOL!)
140. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
141. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
142. Built your own PC from parts
143. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
144. Had a booth at a street fair
145. Dyed your hair
146. Been a DJ
147. Shaved your head
148. Caused a car accident (fender bender only)
149. Saved someone’s life

Giving thanks

In honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, I decided I would make this post about some of the things, people, etc., in my life for which I am thankful. In no particular order:

• My dog Sebastian. He puts a smile on my face every day.
• SL. I am blessed to have found someone to love who loves me and is a true partner in every sense of the word.
• My good health. Despite my struggles with my weight, I have been so fortunate. Not only have I never suffered from a major or chronic illness. . . I rarely even get a cold or stomach bug. Lucky, lucky.
• I'm thankful my parents are still living. Sadly, I have many friends who can no longer say the same.
• My new nephew Rowan. So adorable!
• My sister & our relationship. Amazing that she is now a mom. I'm grateful we still talk all the time, even though we live 3000 miles apart.
• My friends. I am proud to claim a large group! From my "oldest" friends C & D, to friends at work, to my law school friends, and the rest. . . I've been changed for the better in some small way by each of them. I'm so lucky to have so many people who love me.
• Having a job I enjoy that makes a difference. I love the intellectual challenge of the law. And being able to work in goverment and help protect the community gives my work the meaning I need.
• Mobile phone. Don't know how I got along without it! I can call friends and family almost any time. . . and I feel safer knowing help is only a phone call away.
• Down comforter. Comfy & cozy at night.
• My reliable, gas-saving Prius. It's so nice to have a car you know won't leave you stranded. It's even nicer when you only have to gas up once a month.
• The internet. How do I find the answers to my questions before google?
• My digital camera. I have so enjoyed capturing the beauty of nature and special times with friends and family. And not using film means I shoot more pictures: no more guilt about "wasting" film!
• My upcoming visit to my sister's. I can't wait to see her & the baby. . . and it'll be nice to have some time off from work, too.
• Having enough money to pay my bills and live relatively comfortably.
• My freedom & my good fortune in being born in the best country in the world. I have, as my birthright, what many would literally give their lives to have.
• Our Dyson vacuum cleaner. Don't wanna sound like a commercial. . . but wow.

Blog neglect

I'm finally an aunt! My sister had her baby (a little boy named Rowan) on November 8th. For a while, the poor little guy was having to get daily heelsticks to check his bilirubin levels due to newborn jaundice, but he is improving now and not having to get stuck. My mom is staying with my sister to help her out; she says they are both doing well--though my sister is feeling understandably overwhelmed and emotional.

I am going out to visit my sister & Rowan on November 28th. I can't wait!

I have been so busy at work lately. I haven't even been in trial since the last one I posted about. . . just trying to get caught up on case review, trial prep, and other various office stuff. I had two more sex cases set for trial in December; for a variety of different reasons, I've had to get supervisor approval to dismiss each case. As it stands right now, it looks like I won't be in trial again until January. But I have every week of that month booked, so things should pick up then. . . even if all the trials don't go forward as scheduled, a few are bound to.

That's if I'm even at my current job in January. I interviewed two weeks ago at the Attorney General's Office. The job is basically the same job I have now; still a criminal prosecutor, just working for a different agency and perhaps prosecuting slightly different types of crimes. I felt good about the interview, and I got the impression that the panel was impressed with me. I got a call late last week that I am in their "top 3"--though he didn't say whether I was 1st, 2nd, or 3rd--so I am cautiously optimistic. I should hear by the end of the month one way or the other.

If I get this job offer at the AG, I will probably take it. It would only be a little bit more money, but I think their philosophy of prosecution is likely more in sync with my own. Plus, they take a lot fewer cases to trial. Many might think that this is a negative. . . and in some ways I'd agree; trial work is fun. But spending 12-15 weeks a year in trial--the stated expectation at my current job--is not something I see myself doing once SL & I have children. We will be trying to conceive by this time next year, so it's smart for me to think ahead a little. It'll be worth it to me to be a little bored for a year or so to have a less stressful job once I'm a mom.

SL started his new job at G&O on November 6th. So far he really likes it. I'm glad. He hasn't even gotten his first paycheck yet, so he must actually like the work. LOL

Off to the movies with friends. :)

A trial to remember

This post is devoted entirely to the child molestation case I took to trial this past week (my first). Please see my post below for details on the non-work areas of my life. :)

Before I tell about the trial itself, allow me to provide some background information. The defendant in the case is a former-Satanist-turned-evangelical-preacher whom the parents of the victim brought to Arizona from El Salvador. They allowed him to live with them in their home for about two months so that he could preach to their congregation. The victim is a very sweet 11-year-old girl (10 at the time of the molest), the second to youngest of several children. I inherited the case from another prosecutor in our office, and I had a difficult time meeting with the victim and her family in the weeks leading up to the trial because the victim's mother had been in Mexico due to a sister's serious illness. (We did ultimately meet face-to-face last week, days before trial.)

The case had been set for trial once before, on August 8th of this year. On that date, the defendant's attorney--a gentleman in private practice whom I know well because his sister is a justice of the peace to whose courtroom I was assigned for 6 months while in misdemeanors (I'll call him "RG")--was in a serious car accident. Trial was scheduled to begin at 1:30; over the lunch hour, RG was driving somewhere, became distracted, and drove in front of a semi truck. He was fortunate to escape with only a concussion and several stitches. RG told me that officers at the scene told him that he had driven out a foot more, he likely would have been killed. As it was, RG was hospitalized for a couple of days, and the trial was rescheduled.

This trial began on Tuesday afternoon. We spent the afternoon selecting a jury. (A very capable legal assistant from the special victims unit helped me, thank goodness.) I quickly discovered that choosing 12 people who can sit and hear a child molestation case without bias is a heck of a lot more challenging than picking the same 12 people to hear about a car theft or a home burglary. People have so many emotional responses to charges of this kind: a couple of grown men even cried.

Wednesday morning, we had the jury picked and were ready to begin. The defendant required a Spanish language interpreter. Two interpreters were in the courtroom so that they could switch from time to time; additionally, the victims' parents needed an interpreter as well. As one of the interpreters was setting up her equipment and providing the defendant with his headset, she was stung by a scorpion in the courtroom! Now scorpions *are* quite common in the Sonoran desert, and I have heard of people finding them indoors. I have never heard of anyone even seeing one in the courthouse before, though.

A replacement interpreter arrived, and we got started. I called my first witness, the father of the victim. At the start of the trial, the judge had ruled--for reasons that are likely obvious--that no witness could mention the fact that the defendant used to be a Satanist. (Side note: if it's not obvious why, his rationale was that this would unfairly prejudice the jury against the defendant.) I had instructed the father, through the intepreter, immediately before he took the stand, that he could not mention this fact. In response to my fifth or sixth question--which didn't even call for information about the defendant specfically, but was a more general question--the father volunteered that ". . . he used to be a Satanist." My Spanish is not the greatest, but I caught what was said before it was interpreted into English; so did RG (who is a native Spanish speaker) and the judge. The words "Satanist" (English) and "Satanista" (Spanish) are not really that different, so I'm sure a majority of the jurors caught it, too. . . and three of the jurors actually spoke Spanish.

The judge asked the father whether I had instructed him not to say this on the stand; he said I had (whew). The judge then asked him why he said this anyway; he responded "because I believe in telling the truth, the whole truth." Oy vey.

All this led to the judge bringing in the father, mother, and victim, and admonishing them on the record to refrain from mentioning the defendant's past as a Satanist. The judge declared a mistrial and dismissed that carefully chosen jury.

As luck would have it, there were other jurors available for that afternoon (unusual for a Wednesday in our county), so we reconvened at 1:15 and started jury selection all over again. This time things went slightly more smoothly, and by 4:45 we had selected a second jury and recessed for the evening.

During that afternoon, RG, who is a devout Catholic, mentioned to me during a break "my guy kinda creeps me out." He said "you're gonna laugh at me, but I have a bottle of holy water with me." It was obvious from his demeanor that he wasn't joking. RG also made reference to the fact that he had nearly been killed in an accident the last time he was set to try this case and also to the interpreter's scorpion sting that morning.

As an aside: I woke up Wednesday morning with a migraine. Had I not been in the middle of a trial, I would've called in sick. As it was, I took alternating doses of Advil & Imitrex all day long; I got through the day, but generally felt sub-par all day.

Thursday morning when I arrived in the office, I had a phone message that one of my witnesses had been a car accident that morning while taking his son to school. Another witness could not testify that afternoon because he had a doctor's appointment to have a skin cancer removed. A third witness had a scheduling conflict; she was required to be in another county on the same day I needed her to testify. All this led to a lot of schedule juggling before I even headed over to the courthouse.

I arrived at the courthouse and found out that the victim & her family had a flat on the way to the courthouse and will be delayed. The judge was not happy, and the jury had to wait around for about 20 minutes for them to arrive. When they got to court, the victim's mother told me that one of their older sons (who no longer lives at home) was in a car accident this morning and was injured.

Once the trial resumed, I got the father on and off the stand without incident. He came across as angry and belligerent with the defense attorney; I believe--and others watching in the courtroom agreed--that this damaged his credibility. My second witness was the victim herself. She was only able to get through a few questions; when I asked her if she saw the man who touched her in the courtroom, she started crying uncontrollably and was unable to continue. (Poor thing.) So the judge instructed me to excuse her for the time being and to call my next witness.

My third witness was the victim's mother. My primary purpose in calling her was to elicit testimony about the victim's demeanor when she reported the crime each time (yes, the poor girl had to tell the mom twice before she was believed) and the behavioral changes she had noticed in her daughter since the incident. I was nearly finished questioning her when she gratuitously said that she had seen the defendant touch the victim and the victim's brother (her son) on another occasion.

You may be thinking "so what? All the better, right?" Well, not so much. The law requires that if the State intends to introduce evidence of other acts of the defendant that show a propensity to commit deviant sexual acts, we must file an appropriate allegation with the court. The judge must then hold a hearing, complete with expert testimony, to determine whether the proposed testimony is relevant and will be admitted at trial. None of this had been done. Why not? Because the mom had never told anyone this before!

Now I had another defense motion for a mistrial on the table. The judge excused the jury and questioned the mother more about what she had seen. Mom then said that not only did the defendant touch the victim, he also fondled her other three children who were living in the home during his stay. She said that she first noticed his inappropriate behavior days after the defendant arrived in her home. Yet he stayed with them for an additional 7-8 weeks. And she claimed that she had told the previous prosecutor and the investigating detective all this.

I was 99.8% sure this was not true--there was not a scrap of paper in the file that supports her statements; she never revealed any of this in her defense interview, though she was specifically asked about it; and two of the other three children were interviewed by law enforcement and denied that the defendant ever touched them--but I was in a difficult situation. I could not avow to the court that this never happened because how could I know for sure what the previous attorney or the detective discussed with the mother? The judge took the motion for mistrial under advisement and ordered me to confer with the previous prosecutor over the lunch hour.

After talking to both the prior assigned attorney and the detective, I learned that what mom was saying was just not true: she had never mentioned this to anyone involved in the case before today. Looking back, my only thought is that she recalled these other incidents well after the fact and somehow thought it would help the case to bring them up in court. After lunch, rather than declare a mistrial, the judge had to give the jury a curative instruction telling them to disregard this portion of the mother's testimony and that she never previously revealed this to anyone. There went mom's credibility as a witness.

Once mom's testimony was concluded, I recalled the victim to the stand. Her testimony was the one part of the trial that went smoothly. She cried a little bit this second time when telling the jury what the defendant had done, but was able to tell what happened and did a good job on the stand.

After hearing from the victim and the officer who took the initial police report, we had to recess for the day--at 3:15--because I had no more witnesses. I found out, though, that my expert would indeed be testifying in another county at the same time I needed her to testify in my case. I asked the judge for leave to call her out of order, but it was denied.

Friday morning: I arrived at court, and my first witness of the day--my detective--was delayed. He finally arrived (schedule miscommunication), and his testimony went off without a hitch. Then the defendant took the stand. He came across calm, rational, and--I hate to admit it--credible. He categorically denied ever touching the victim and reiterated his belief that the victim's parents had a grudge against him and had forced their daughter to lie.

I asked the judge once again to allow me to call my expert witness out of order--she would be available at 1:00--and once again the judge denied my request. So right after lunch, we went ahead with closing arguments.

The jury deliberated a little over an hour, then came back with verdicts of not guilty on both counts. In talking with some of the jurors after the trial, they said that they had doubts about the defendant's guilt because they thought both parents were not being truthful on the stand. As one of them put it "we believed something happened to the little girl; we just weren't sure that the defendant was the one who did it."

I knew from the get-go that this kind of case would be tough--no physical evidence, so a real "he said, she said" type of situation--but I really think that if 1) the parents had presented better on the stand, and 2) I could've used my expert (who would have testified, in general terms, about children's memory, truthfulness, and situations in which one might expect false accusations), I might have had a better chance at a conviction.

RG said he was just glad we both "survived" the trial. . . and I think he was relieved that he would have no further contact with his client. (He had mentioned to me that he didn't like even touching him because it made him uncomfortable. . . and RG is a touchy-feely guy, a real glad-hander.)

I was disappointed. . . mostly because I 100% believed my victim; I know that the defendant really molested her, despite what the defense argued & the jury concluded. But I learned a lot, and I, too, am glad this trial is over.

I love bullet points

Where to begin? I have been so busy & stressed this past week that it seems as though months have gone by without an entry. I will do my best to bring this up to date. Perhaps the bullet points approach. . . .

• WEIGHT--I have not been on the scale once in about 2 weeks, and I've been eating pretty much what I want. Luckily, because I have been stressed, there have been a fair number of days when I have skipped meals or only been able to stomach something light. I still want to get back to exercising and eating more healthfully, and I am hoping the relative calm of the coming week will allow me to put these plans into action. A coworker suggested going back to Weight Watchers meetings; I might give that a go. SL wants to get back to going to the gym in the evenings, too, and would like me to go along to help motivate him.
  
• FAMILY--All is (mostly) well. My mom is doing well. My dad has had a bad cold, but no other major health concerns, thank God. My sister is 38 weeks pregnant today, and was told at her latest OB appointment this past Thursday that the doctor will likely induce her this coming week because her blood pressure has started going up again the past 2 weeks. (It was 140-something/100 last Thursday.) Her doctor thinks that, as the modified bedrest he has prescribed no longer seems to be having the desired effect, and the baby is "large for dates," there should be no harm in delivering him about 10 days early. So I am going to be aunt within the week!
• SL & HIS FAMILY--SL was a man of leisure after Tuesday this past week: he finished up at his old job and is starting the new one on Monday. He and I had a big argument last week. . . . about things I'd rather not get into. . . but I think it may turn out to be a good thing because it has motivated him to finally agree to going to actual couples counseling with me. (He has said before he'd do it, but then fudged and backed out.) Our relationship is about 95% good, but there are one or two issues (or potential issues) that I would like for us to work through before we get married. My perspective is: I haven't waited until this age to get married just to get myself into a situation that's not going to work. Know what I mean? SL's mom slipped on some ice on Thursday and hit her head! She is OK, but she was knocked out for a few minutes. Hearing about crap like that makes me glad I live in Arizona and not in Anchorage, Alaska.
• WEDDING PLANS--Not much new to report. I am way ahead on everything, actually. Our wedding invitations arrived this week, and they look great. I am still mulling over cake and flower choices, but don't have to let the vendors know my final decisions until about a month before the wedding. Gotta love a Vegas wedding!
• FRIENDS--So far as I know, all my friends are doing OK. K had an emotional visit from her ex-boyfriend--who she still loves--so I know that was tough on her. I am having lunch with my friend L on Wednesday and going to a movie (Marie Antoinette) with my friend A tomorrow.
• WORK--Ahhhh. Now we come to the area that seems to have consumed my life over the last week. As I wrote above, I took my first child molestation case to trial this week. The trial was eventful & unusual in so many ways; that's why I wrote a separate entry about it.
  

Not guilty

I finished this week's trial yesterday; it was my first loss since misdemeanors. In retrospect, it was such a weak case factually that I probably should've sought a deviation from my supervisor and dismissed it. Ah well. Live and learn. It was my first felony acquittal; I am now 6-1 in felonies.

It's really not about winning and losing, though. It's about justice being done. And I believe that justice WAS done in this case. Not because I think the defendants were innocent--I don't--but because we couldn't prove that they were guilty. In our system. . . a system in which I firmly believe. . . any "draw" goes to the defendants. That's why I say the jury reached the right conclusion, even though it meant a loss for me.

On to the next one. I'm nervous about next week's trial because the charge is child molestation. This will be the most serious offense I've ever tried, and I care a lot about getting a good outcome for the victim and her family. Keep your fingers crossed for me. . . and pray if you do that.

Eating-wise, I've been doing better, but still not great. We have been eating more veggies, which was the main thing we wanted to focus on first. I still ate too much extraneous crap this week, though: happy hour one evening, potluck at work, and lunch out with a friend. And no, I didn't make good choices in the face of temptation in any of those three situations. ;)

I'm proud to say that SL and I have eaten dinner at home (home cooked) every evening this week. That's an improvement!

Not much else to tell. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday!