Wait: my life *is* a movie

213.4

I have had an interesting and fun weekend. It feels really weird to be sitting home in my pajamas on a Monday morning. . . but weird in a good way. Kinda makes me wish I had taken more than a week off between jobs so I could have more days like this. LOL

Friday was an emotional day for me at the old job. The staff & attorneys on my trial team threw me a potluck breakfast. I got some very sweet gifts from people, too, including a card that made me verklempt from the woman who was my secretary for my first 15 months up there. I do believe that making this job change is the right thing for me, on many levels, but it's hard to leave people you've known and grown fond of over the past few years. Particularly when I know that it is highly likely that I won't be seeing these folks again. If I were staying in Tucson, that might be different, but it is what it is.

Friday evening, a lot of attorneys--both from my office and a few from the defense bar--showed up for happy hour to send me off. It was really fun. I had quite a bit to drink. First time in a long time I have gotten drunk. :)

In the past couple of months, I had developed a little crush on a friend I will call F. I have known F since he was a prosecutor in our office; he started just a couple of months before I did. Considering I started dating SL just two months after starting that job, I had never thought of F in anything but a friendly way until recently. I don't know that he is someone I would want to date under normal circumstances--he is a very nice person, but has some baggage, including the fact that he is a divorced/single dad of a 5-year-old daughter--but given that I am moving away very shortly, I thought it might be fun to have a brief fling with him.

Although I had had this crush for a couple of months, I couldn't have done anything about it until recently: F is a defense attorney now and was representing a defendant I was prosecuting. However, now that I have ended my employment at the office, there is no longer any conflict in my pursuing a. . . ahem. . . romantic relationship with F.

F came to happy hour and actually stuck around after the majority of people had left. After 9:00, the group was down to just F, my friend E, my roommate M, and me. M and I had been strategizing earlier in the week about how I could manage to hook up with F. LOL She talked with me in the bathroom when we left our original watering hole and headed to a different bar across the street with suggestions about how to "close the deal."

But I just wasn't feelin' it. Don't get me wrong: I still found F attractive, and I was enjoying his company. . . but I just wasn't getting the vibe that he was interested in me. M was like "why else would he still be hanging out with us if he weren't into you?" But I was unsure and just didn't want to press the issue, despite the fact that I had had quite a bit to drink. M told me I was a chicken, and I conceded that she might be right.

Well, on the drive home, though I was still drunk (or maybe BECAUSE I was still drunk), I decided to text message F and tell him I was interested in him. (Aye, aye, aye. Let no one claim that alcohol does not adversely affect one's ability to think clearly and make good decisions.) On Saturday morning, he responded to my text and told me that he was flattered by my interest, but didn't have romantic feelings for me and hoped we could still be friends. And, oh, by the way. . . he has a crush on my roommate.

M just about died when I relayed this information to her. She first was concerned that my feelings would be hurt (they weren't), then felt really stupid that she had spent all of Friday night trying to figure out how to get me into bed with this guy who, as it turns out, was interested in her the whole time. LOL

To top things off, F text-messaged me last night, hoping to talk to me about his crush on M. (I wouldn't have been opposed to talking with him about it. . . but M arrived home right as he called, so clearly we couldn't discuss the situation then.)

Well, I suppose my life is nothing if not eventful and unpredictable. I don't know too many women who could be telling someone they'd like to hook up with them on a Friday night and by Monday be helping them to figure out how to date a friend of theirs. LOL

My mom has been telling me for years that my life is not a Hollywood movie. Nonetheless, I couldn't help thinking that this whole situation was a bit reminiscent of the Elton/Tai/Cher triangle in the movie Clueless. (For any who haven't seen Clueless. . . main character Cher thinks she is making progress in trying to get her friend Elton together with new girl Tai. . . but Elton really wants Cher and thinks that she shares his interest.)

I've finally arrived at the conclusion that Mom's half right. My life *is* like a movie. It's just that it's actually more like a dark-toned indy flick (think Chasing Amy) rather than one of your happy-ending blockbuster romantic comedies or chick flicks. No chance Meg Ryan is gonna play the lead in THIS story. LOL

I have to say that I have gotten a lot of amusement out of this situation (after my very short-lived and mild feeling of disappointment upon first receiving F's text). I can't remember the last time I've laughed so much about something. It's actually been quite entertaining for me. . .

I spent most of the rest of the weekend doing fun stuff and just relaxing. I thought about starting my packing several times, but never actually acted on that impulse. I took Sebastian on a play date to the dog park early Saturday morning, where he rolled in a pit of mud and generally got himself filthy; he literally had mud everywhere but on his muzzle, even in his ears. Saturday night, I went to a showing of The Sound of Music at a beautifully restored historic theatre in downtown Tucson with B, my former paralegal.

In the midst of all this activity, I still found time to relax and read, and to talk with J on the phone for over an hour and a half. I still don't know where that is going, but I am really enjoying my friendship with him. Because of the combination of our shared history, juxtaposed with the many years that we were out of touch, there is a strange mix of the familiar and the unexplored there.

I cannot pinpoint precisely when it happened, but some time in the past week or so, I have undergone a sort of mental shift about my relationship with J. I am no longer obsessing about him and "what might happen;" I am just enjoying the relationship for what it is. . . which at this point is simply a nice, unique friendship. He is someone with whom I have so much in common and with whom I have always had a wonderful rapport. (I will concede that it is much easier to set aside lustful feelings for someone when you are only talking to him via phone, email, and text, versus seeing him in person. . . so I can't guarantee that this shift will be of a long duration. LOL)

Assuming I get back from Vegas as scheduled and am not too tired--and if his parents don't arrive in Phoenix earlier than expected--we are going to get together for dinner on Friday when I fly back. I'm looking forward to seeing him again. And despite our 2-hour lunch and Saturday's long phone conversation, I still don't feel that we've even scratched the surface of things to talk about. Regardless of what happens, that's gotta count for something. It certainly beats the hell out of starting anything with someone new. At this point, I am in a mindset to cherish good conversation over sex anyway. Good conversation just seems so much harder to find.

Sunday I took my CASA child M to the children's museum and to Petsmart to buy a toy for Sebastian (at her request). I hadn't seen M for about 6 weeks, so it was good to see her and spend some time with her. She is doing well, and I'm very happy about that. Sunday evening, I got a wild hair and decided to actually cook a meal from scratch. . . something that I only do about 3-4 times a year. I tried out a new recipe for chicken breasts stuffed with green chile and cheese, and it was delicious!

Today I have to go to the dentist at 1:00 to get a filling . . . gotta get that done before I no longer have dental insurance. . . but otherwise have nothing else I have to do . It's nice to be at leisure!

Communications blackout

213.8

I felt very "snacky" last night for some reason. I think maybe I am not eating enough vegetables. After having dinner, I was still hungry, so I had a substantial snack, followed by a bowl of oatmeal a couple of hours later. I hadn't eaten my full complement of food during the day, so I don't think I really did much damage. . . . and maybe failing to eat all my food throughout the day contributed to my munchies. Not sure. I couldn't quite tell if it was mental, hormonal, physiological, or what.

I have an apartment in Phoenix now! I am moving on July 28th. (I will be staying with KC for the first week of work and moving that following Saturday.) I think I will be happy with the place. It is in central Phoenix, in an urban setting, but with lots of safety features. It is quite close to my friend KH & her husband and about a 15 minute drive from work and from KC's house. The apartment is huge: over 1400 sq ft, and it's only a 2-bedroom. My living room furniture will be wholly inadequate to fill the living room. But that's cool. . . . gives me an excuse to shop.

I actually own very little furniture and stuff because when SL and I moved in together, we combined households and both got rid of things. I see a run to Ikea in my future.

I am trying not to think about J. I have resolved not to contact him between now and when I return from my Vegas trip on 7/20. We exchanged a few text messages over the weekend--both initiated by me. I am proud of the self-control I am exercising in not contacting him. . . 2 days and counting, LOL. We all know what it's like when you try NOT to think about something, though. . . . it's constantly on your mind then! If I told you right now "don't think about polar bears," the first thing likely to pop into your head is an image of a big white bear.

The only real way to NOT think about something is to be totally mentally focused on something else. . . my mind is never going to be a blank, right? Unfortunately, work no longer requires much focus, since I am leaving on Friday. And the other things in my life don't really require a lot of focused thought/concentration.

Ah well. I just have to keep controlling myself at least if I can't stop obsessing. . . . . over this thing that isn't even a thing and might never be a thing. LOL

I'm psyched about my trip to Vegas! KC is going with me so I won't have to be alone. We are leaving a week from tomorrow and just going for a couple of days. I got robbed of my trip to Vegas when I didn't marry SL, so now I'm making up for it.

Good weigh-in last night

213.4

My "official" weight at Jenny Craig on Thursday evening was 214.0, for a total of 20.6 lbs lost. Not too shabby, considering the stress & transitions I have had in my life since starting Jenny Craig on April 10th. I know I could have lost quite a bit more if I had been more compliant with my planned menus & exercised more. . . but all things considered, I'll take it.
Hell, I figure if I could continue to lose at this pace, it'd only be about another 9-10 months until I was at my goal weight. At this stage, any time the scale is not moving up, I am satisfied with my progress.

Tomorrow is my trip up to Phoenix to look for an apartment. I am looking forward to getting something nailed down, but I must confess I am NOT looking forward to the process. I know it is going to be brutally hot in Phoenix--the forecast high is 109--and the prospect of shlepping around the city in that kind of heat is not appealing. Ah well. One of those necessary evils. I am super lucky that KC is willing to accompany me; what a great friend.

My hope is that once I have a date certain for moving, I will feel more inspired to sort & pack. I wish I could get the crew of Clean Sweep out to my house. . . that'd be great. But not gonna happen.

I was really tired most of today. My roommate & I stayed up late talking. . . mostly reminiscing about past relationships with men. It was a very fun chat, but it was really hard to come in to work this morning.

I had a priors trial & sentencing this morning for the last defendant I convicted at trial. He was sentenced to 13 years, so I was pretty excited about that. He was definitely deserving: this was his 6th felony conviction, and he has a criminal record dating back 23 years to age 14. The victim in the case was very happy with the outcome.

I have nothing planned for this evening. It'll be kind-of nice to just go home & veg. This week was fun & not uneventful, but exhausting. And I suspect I'll need extra energy to get through the apartment hunt tomorrow.

TGIF!

All over the map

212.8 (really?)

I had a very enjoyable Independence Day yesterday. My lunch with J, which I have been stressing & obsessing about for at least a couple of weeks, went very well. It was great to see him; I really enjoyed our conversation. Physically, he is much the same. . . looks a little older and has changed his hairstyle, and that's about it. He doesn't seem to have changed much in general, actually. For fear of going off on a long tangent about my feelings about him, I will leave it at this: I am sure I will see more of him, but I have no idea where this is going to go. I know he wants to see more of me. . . I just don't know if it's for friendship or something more. . . and I don't even know if *he* knows at this point.

After my lunch with J--which, hello! I should so not have stressed over! Very typical of me--I went to a party at my friend C's house. The house was really lovely, and it was great to see C and spend some time with her. I also saw my very pregnant friend KH & her husband. Quite fun. The only downside was the heat--it was brutal. But that's Phoenix in July.

Work is eh. Now that I am coming down the home stretch, I really don't much feel like doing work. I guess this is what they call "short timer's syndrome." Ah well.

I have done absolutely zero to prepare for my upcoming move. I desperately need to start sorting and packing, but haven't been able to make myself do it yet. Grrrr. . . . I have so little self discipline, it's a miracle I've made it to this point in my life.

Weigh-in in 2 hours!

Wednesday holiday=weird

216.4 (thanks, Chinese food)

It seems really odd to have a holiday in the middle of a work week. I suppose because things are usually contrived to make Fridays or Mondays federal holidays. As a government employee, I am, of course, off tomorrow. It just feels strange.

I have started to feel a bit stressed about my upcoming move. I am starting a new job in another city in less than 3 weeks, and I have no idea where I'm going to live in that city! I haven't started packing at all. . . though God knows I should and I have a sh1tload for crap to sort through. . . I never fully unpacked from my move in mid-April.

I am going to drive up to Phoenix on Saturday and my best friend KC & I are going to spend all day looking at apartments. I hope to have something lined up before I drive home Saturday night.

Perhaps once I have a place lined up, I will feel more inclined to get on top of the sorting and packing. I am going to pay movers--because, let's face it, who wants to move ever, let alone in late July in southern Arizona--so I have an additional incentive to get rid of some crap before I move.

I can certainly stay with KC for a week or two (or three) if necessary. The only downside to that plan is that Sebastian can't stay there, as KC's dog doesn't like him. Sebastian could stay with my old roommate KW & her husband, but then we would be separated. That probably wouldn't affect Sebastian much, but it would make me sad. Plus, I couldn't impose Sebastian on KW indefinitely.

Anyway, putting off the move much longer than a week or two is just postponing the inevitable. It's not like I'm not eventually going to move to Phoenix, and it's not going to get any easier to do it if I wait longer.

I have my long-awaited lunch with J tomorrow. I am hoping for the best, and I have tried to prepare myself for the worst. It's just lunch, so I really should chill. Better to obsess over that than about my unplanned move, though, I guess. LOL

Aye, aye, aye.

My "brush with death" at the mall. . .

213.0 (nice)

I'm feelin' good about myself this morning. For the first time in weeks, I actually got up within 10 minutes of my alarm and took Sebastian for a little 15-minute walk around the neighborhood. It's surprising how just that little bit of exercise makes me feel more alert. . . and makes Sebastian more chill when I leave the house for work.

Had some excitement yesterday. I met two friends from work at a mall in a "nicer" part of town to shop for an outfit for my lunch with J on Wednesday. As we were trying to leave, people were running and screaming from the Dillard's department store. I heard someone yell "someone's shooting," and my friend says she heard gunshots. The two of us ended up "locked down" in the Godiva chocolates stores for 15-20 minutes because of the confusion. By the time we were finally allowed to leave the mall, there were police everywhere outside and news crews were filming.

My poor friend E nearly had a panic attack; she was very upset. Also, there was a huge line of cars in the parking lot, as everyone was evacuated and all the cars were trying to leave the mall at once. E was almost out of gas, so an additional anxiety for her. The whole thing was pretty crazy while we were stuck in the Godiva store; we really didn't know if some nutjob was on a shooting rampage or what.

In typical me fashion, after dropping E at her car, I calmly called my parents & sister to tell them what had happened, then continued on to Lane Bryant & DSW and finished my shopping. Blame it on all my years of working in hospitals in high stress, life/death situations. . . I am a major under-reactor in stressful situations. (Or maybe I really am "dead inside," as my sister likes to tell me.)

The shooting was in the news this morning. Apparently two people shot at each other in the Dillard's, which is just off the food court. A bullet grazed a bystander and two other people were injured. Police arrested two suspects and believe the shooting was gang-related.

On a tangent. . . . I did buy some cute clothes yesterday (after the shoot-out, lol). I'll be wearing a wrap style cotton blouse, black capris, some very cute strappy black sandals. I even bought a necklace and earrings to match. I think the outfit is flattering, but doesn't make me look like I'm trying to look good. . . which is perfect. I also bought a navy pair of capris in a similar style and four other tops. (OK, I went a little overboard. :) )

It's supposed to be 109 degrees today and 114 on Wednesday. Ugh. I'm sure Phoenix will be even hotter on Wednesday. What joy.

Moving down

215.0

I actually weighed 214.0 yesterday morning. I didn't believe it was an accurate weight, as I stayed up late, slept in late, and had consumed a beer the night before. . . I figured I was dehydrated and out of whack.

Today I awoke at a decent hour, and I spent all day yesterday eating healthfully and rehydrating. So I trust that I really weigh 215 today. Wow. I'm glad to see the scale is moving down once again.

I had a completely lazy day yesterday. I did nothing productive. I slept late, watched the movie Seabiscuit in the afternoon (I'd bought it to watch in late April, but hadn't seen it yet), read a book, took a nap, surfed the internet, then rounded out the day by watching some old episodes of Friends.

I certainly had/have things I could be doing. . . but I figure I am coming up on a very busy period, between changing jobs and moving to another city. I wasn't sure when I'd have the opportunity again to just laze around, so I took it. And I feel good about it. :)

Today I plan to do some of the household chores I neglected yesterday. At 2:00 I am meeting friends L & E at the mall to buy a suitable outfit for my lunch with J on Wednesday. I know I've been a bit of a freak about the whole J thing. . . but I think it's a natural female impulse to want to look one's best for an ex-boyfriend. Because I have gained a considerable amount of weight since the last time he saw me (about 50 lbs), I'll have an uphill battle to impress him with my looks. So I'm going to put some extra care and work into my appearnce.

I think I'm putting my meeting with J into a more realistic perspective. Let's face it: regardless of what happens at our lunch, my life won't be changed. I'll still have the same friends, same family, same dog, and same new job if he disapproves of me. Plus, *I* may not approve of *him*. Who knows? I don't think I've changed much since I was in love with him at age 22. . . but I've probably changed more than I realize, and he has probably changed some, too.

My initial reaction to hearing from him again after so many years was typical of me in many ways--though I like to present myself as rational & logical, I'm secretly quite a romantic--but reality has set in. I plan to look my best, enjoy myself, and expect nothing.

Hard to believe it's July 1st! We are halfway through 2007 now. I'd be coming up on my 3-month wedding anniversary if I'd gone ahead and married S. So weird to think about. My daily life will be completely different in a month than it is now. Life is strange.

Karaoke

Why is it that I spend so little time doing things I genuinely enjoy? One of those things is singing. I sing pretty much every day. I sing in the shower, in the car, in my office. Songs pop into my head constantly, even if I'm not listening to music, and I sing little snippets of them. I've done it for years.

Modesty aside, I have a pretty good voice. Not great, but I can carry a tune, and lots of people over the years have commented that they like my singing. (*Aside: S never liked my singing. Or he said he did, but never complimented my singing and made weird faces when I sang.)

Tonight I went out to karaoke with some friends. I have not sung karaoke in years! I cannot even remember the last time. . . I know for sure that it was before I moved to Tucson, because I can't recall ever going out to karaoke here before tonight. It's odd to me that something I enjoy doing I haven't done in such a long time.

Going out to sing reminds anew, too, that I still want to get involved in a singing group. I have visited and been interested in joining, the Sweet Adelines. Once I am in Phoenix, I will have to find a group there and go to a practice session. I should be able to make time for a couple of hours one night a week, even with the new job and it's longer hours.

The Existential Crisis Test

Your Score: Will to Power

You scored 50% Concerned and 90% Certain!

You've faced any potential existential crisis and won. You acknowledge that life is full of uncertainty, but that hardly keeps you down. In fact, you may find it to be somewhat liberating.

What the f$%^ is wrong with me?

217.0

For the life of me, I don't know why I must always obsess over things. I get like this about lots of things in my life: major purchases, career decisions, and--most notably--men.

For as long as I can remember, I have found it nearly impossible to just relax and let things happen. My obsessiveness has caused me grief in several areas of my life, but most especially in my relationships with men. . . probably because romance is an area in which things generally run more smoothly if you DON'T obsess over them. Think about it: if you obsess over schoolwork, job choice, where to live, or what car you should drive, your obsessiveness might actually lead you to make better decisions. When it comes to relationships, though, over-thinking is almost never a good thing.

So what brought this entry on? I blogged a few weeks ago about J, my ex-boyfriend from college days with whom I am back in contact courtesy of reunion.com. Since that blog entry, J & I have exchanged several emails and this evening talked on the phone. We have made plans to meet for lunch on July 4th when I will be in the Phoenix area to attend my friend C's Independence Day party. All well and good, right?

The problem is, despite all the many other things I have going on in my life. . . work & its demands, my imminent change of jobs and associated move, friends here & in other cities, my recent vacation to visit my sister & nephew. . . I am spending way too much time analyzing "what this means." It probably doesn't mean anything! It's as simple as this: J is going through a transition in his life and started thinking about someone he dated a long time ago. . . probably during a simpler time in his life, I would imagine. (We met during his senior year in college and dated during his first year out in the "real world.")

Though our relationship may have been memorable to him in some ways--we had a helluva sex life, for one thing--I am under no illusions that he has been pining for me all these years. That just wouldn't make any sense. Things did not end well between us--in a manner of speaking, he cheated on me. . . though he probably wouldn't describe it that way. We kept in touch sporadically for the first year or so after our break-up, but many years (13) have passed with absolutely no contact between us. Plus, shit like that just doesn't happen in real life, only in movies. As my mother has reminded me on numerous occasions, my life is not a Hollywood production.

I feel that a rational, sane person finding herself in my situation would think that it would be interesting to renew an acquaintance with an old friend and catch up on old times and not think farther than that. This theoretical rational woman would certainly not devote hours of her time to re-reading J's emails, talking on the phone with friends & her sister about J's intentions, etc. . . . but that's what I've been doing.

Honestly! I am a 36-year-old woman who has spent the majority of her adult life single. I'm OK with being alone. In fact, more of the happier times in my life have been spent outside romantic relationships rather than in them. One secret that no one tells you growing up is that relationships can be hard work.

Anyway. . . . just venting I guess. After 20+ years of dating men, I'm unlikely to change now.

An exceptionally cute baby

Now I will admit that I am likely biased because of our relationship. . . . but isn't my nephew Rowan an exceptionally cute baby?

What a difference three months makes. . . .

weight=??

I am at my sister's house in northen Virginia, outside DC, spending some quality time with my adorable 7-month-old nephew. Normally he spends his weekdays with his paternal grandmother, but I wanted to have a day alone with him during my visit here. He really is a wonderfully easy baby. . . and SO cute!!

I believe I have blogged about looking for a new job. . . primarily for financial reasons. I got a job offer today. It is a position with a small (less than 10 lawyers) private firm in Phoenix that does solely insurance defense and medical malpractice. I think I will like the firm; there doesn't seem to be the typical firm snootiness and all the lawyers I've met there so far have been friendly and nice.

I'm going to take the position. As I see it, there is only one downside: I will be working 50% more hours than I currently work. But as they are also going to be pay me just a little more than 50% more, it will even out.

I have mixed feelings about moving to Phoenix. I've lived there before, and I don't dislike the city. I will really miss Tucson, though, as well as my friends here. I have lived here longer than anywhere else I've lived as an adult, six-and-a-half years.

Well, change is good. My post title: three months ago, I was living with S, about to be married, and had no plans to relocate. Now I am single again, changing jobs, and moving to Phoenix in July. Life is certainly unpredictable!

Post and dash. . . .

I am house/dogsitting for my old roommate as of Wednesday, so I don't have access to a computer at home. (K & J have laptops, but they are security encrypted b/c of their jobs in the defense industry, so I can't use them.) So I'm jotting off a quick post here at work before heading off to court.

I have been having a pretty good week, eating- & exercise-wise. Last night I ate out at a Mexican restaurant, and I know I ate a little bigger portion than I would on a normal night. . . but I also only ate 6-7 chips and ordered an entree that is much lower in fat than my usual preference. Last night's dinner aside, my eating has been JC-compliant and on track. I've also walked on my lunch hour twice this week (& plan to go again today), plus went for a longer (45-minute) walk on Monday evening. So I'm hoping to see a loss on the scale on Monday.

Not much planned for the weekend. It will be kind of nice to just have a low key couple of days and relax. On Wednesday the 20th I leave on vacation. I may come in to the office for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday to prepare some things for my absence.

16.8 down, only 57.8 to go!

217.8 (JC WI)

Tonight's weigh in was a good one. I lost the 3.8 lbs I "gained" last week, plus one more lb. In 9 weeks on Jenny Craig, I have lost a total of 16.8 lbs. Not too shabby. Particularly when I consider that I have only been fully compliant about 50% of that time.

We had some unusual weather here today. It was overcast and windy all day, then in the afternoon it rained a little. When I left work, it was only in the low 70's. Strange weather for us; 105 would be a normal daytime temperature for early June here. I'm by no means complaining!

I took advantage of the lovely evening weather to pick up dog poo, pull weeds, and then take Sebastian for a 45-minute walk on the nearby wash. The walk especially was lovely (& Sebastian was happy, of course).

Tomorrow evening I'm driving up to Phoenix after work because I have a job interview on Wednesday morning at 9. The interview is with a small private firm that does insurance defense and medical malpractice. The office is literally within walking distance of the apartment K & I lived in when we moved to Phoenix as travel nurses in January 2000, so I am quite familiar with the neighborhood and surrounding areas.

I'm hopeful about the interview--their job posting said they would prefer someone with a medical background, and they employ 3 nurse paralegals--but certainly need to find out some things about the firm, too. I had never heard of them prior to applying for this job online.

No trial for me again this week. The next trial I have set is on 7/10, and it's one I really hope I don't end up doing. . . because my case sucks! LOL Though I like being in trial, it's nice having some periods to get caught up in the office, too.

I'll be dog/housesitting for my friends K & J starting on Wednesday evening until next Tuesday. Her dog gets really freaked out if you take him out of his familiar environment, so it's easier for me to just stay over there, now that I live far enough away that is quite out-of-the-way to stop there on the way to and from work. I used to live with K in that house for 2 years before she married J, so I feel pretty comfortable there.

I had the last of my leftovers for dinner tonight! Turkey and my dad's oyster dressing--yum! Last night, I had green chile chicken enchiladas. . . nature's most perfect food. ;)

Wow

(away from home, which means away from the scale. . . )

I just had an uncomfortable dicussion with my father & stepmother about my salvation. Both are self-identified "born again" Christians. I think that is wonderful for them, truly. They seem to find great solace and hope in their beliefs. In some ways, I envy those people who have an unquestioning faith in God.

Religion often comes up as a topic of conversation when I visit my dad. I am usually able to dodge any kind of deep discussion about it. Now, though, I can tell that my stepmom in particular (& probably Dad, too), were deeply troubled to learn that I don't "turn my problems over to Jesus" and pray for God's guidance.

If asked my religious preference, I would describe myself as a lapsed Catholic. Growing up with my Irish Catholic grandmother, I never missed a Sunday of church (or a holy day of obligation) except when I had the chicken pox at age 6 and was still contagious. Going to church at least weekly, I had a deep faith in God. At one time in my teens, I even seriously considered becoming a nun; I spent many nights praying for God to give me some kind of sign if that was hi plan for my life.

In the years since leaving home, I have attended mass only sporadically. I never had a "crisis of faith," per se, but I stopped believing a long time ago that God takes a personal interest in my affairs. All the times in my teens and early twenties that I prayed for guidance, that guidance was never forthcoming. I've come to believe that God gave me free will for a reason, and I've exercised it.

As I told Dad tonight: one definition of insanity is to keep doing what you've always done and expect the outcome to be different. I learned many years ago that asking God for guidance yielded no results for me. Either God didn't hear my prayers, God chose not to answer, or God did not give me an answer in a form in which I could perceive it. I get that no lightning bolt will come from the sky, that--unlike Moses--I am not going to see God in a burning bush. I never looked for a sign that clear; I always assumed that God worked through other people or via indirect means.

Even with that understanding, though, I have never felt that I have been answered when I have prayed for guidance. The situations I am recalling are not like the time when I was 7 and prayed for roller skates for Christmas and didn't get them. These were times in my young adult life when I was at some kind of metaphorical crossroads. . . facing decisions like "what should I do with my life?" or "should I marry him?" Pretty big decisions, I think we could all agree. And though I prayed for guidance in these decisions, fully believing (based on my faith & my upbringing) that God would show me the right path to take. . . . He never did.

I hate having these discussions with the parental units because I do not want to upset them. Tonight's little chat is a good example of my being too honest for my own good. A less honest daughter would have just told them what they wanted to hear: "yes, I wholeheartedly accept Christ as my personal savior, and yes, I go to Him with all my troubles in prayer." Awkwardness is what I get for keepin' it real.

Well, parents' disappointment and concern aside, the only thing that will come out of tonight's discourse is that they will probably pray for me more. They may enlist church members to pray for me, too. And more people praying for me certainly can't hurt.

Old flame

219.0

I didn't write a blog entry after my weekly Jenny Craig weigh in on Tuesday because I gained. The scale showed a gain primarily because I did a stupid, stupid thing: I ate a huge blueberry muffin and drank a chai tea 2 hours before weigh in. I truly do not think that I actually had a significant gain. . . but it clearly wasn't a loss either.

Lots of little things have happened this week. I am going to have a roommate for the next two months or so. Long story short, an acquaintance called and is looking for a place to stay temporarily while she & her spouse sort out some marital issues. It's odd how it all came to pass, but I think it will work out fine. . . our living arrangement, that is; I truly have no idea how (or if) her marital issues will resolve themselves.

I've heard nothing from the attorney who interviewed me last Friday. Meanwhile, I have another job interview in Phoenix next Wednesday morning. I also received a follow-up question regarding an online application I filed with the City of Phoenix a few weeks ago. And my friend V gave her boss my resume, and he has asked me to apply online for an opening they have. So, God willing, I may have another job before Labor Day.

Definitely not taking anything for less than $65K a year, though. I am past wanting a change just for the sake of a change; I am looking to improve my financial situation.

My mom is back in her Indiana hometown for her 45th high school reunion. Too cute. It sounds like she is having fun.

I heard from my friend (ex-boyfriend) R today. I was a bit worried about him; we had talked in late March when I broke up with S, then in early May I mailed him a letter that was returned to me undeliverable. Turns out his wife changed jobs and they moved to Wichita, KS. It was good to talk with him and find out where he is.

An old flame from college ("J") tracked me down this week via one of those reunion websites. I have thought of him often over the years, but have not seen or spoken to him in over 13 years. Coincidentally, he is moving to Phoenix next week to go to dental school, after being a CPA for the past 15 years and living in DC for 10 of those 15 years. He has suggested we get together once he is settled, as I am only about 100 miles away.

I have to assume J just wants to get reacquainted with an old friend, but I could not help but get excited when I read his email. I carried a torch for this guy for a long time back in the day. And the timing of his getting in touch with me seems very fortuitous. Had things not ended with S, I would now be celebrating 2 months of marriage to him. Had we not broken up, I never would have been on any of these reunion websites looking for old friends, and thus would not even have known that J was searching for me. If something happens with J, in a weird way, it would make some sense for me of the trauma I have gone through in the past two and a half months.

When J & I dated, I used to dream of marrying him. We were both too young--I 22, he 23--and he was not looking for a life partner at that time. But he was perfect for me on so many levels; he was just one of those people with whom I felt an almost immediate rapport from the first time we met.

In any event, I am trying not to be too giddy and romantic about the whole thing and get my hopes up. But I will be happy to see him and catch up. We will see.

Consumerism?

217.2

What is it about buying new things that lifts our spirits? I've blogged before about how much I loathe shopping for clothes. On the other hand, I enjoy shopping for home furnishings and gifts for friends and family. And I even like getting new clothes. . . though I dislike looking for them.

My friend V is staying with me this weekend. She is in town to attend the wedding of a friend of hers. We spent the day hanging out: took the dog for a long walk, then ran a few errands, got Starbucks coffee, and went shopping in a little upscale outdoor mall and had a delicious sushi lunch there. I rarely go to this shopping center, as most of the stores are places where I cannot afford to shop; however, I needed to return a wedding registry gift at the Crate & Barrel. On the home back to my place, we stopped off at Kohl's, where I bought myself a new purse, towels, a blouse.

At Crate & Barrel, I could only get store credit, so I treated myself to some new wineglasses, a cork remover, and a couple other small items. I have browsed C&B many times, but never buy anything there because I can't afford it.

I also bought Sebastian a cool stuffed toy (50% off!) that says "I'm a canine genius!"--when I saw it, I felt he just *had* to have it--as well as a retriever roll stuffed with peanut butter.

As I was transferring my stuff to the new purse and unpacking my purchases, it surprised me how much of a lift seeing these new items in my home gave me. I guess this is why so many people make a hobby of shopping.

I had my job interview yesterday afternoon, and I think it went pretty well. I should know early next week whether they will make me an offer. If I am offered the position, and they are willing to pay my asking price (a little over $10K more than I currently earn), I will most likely take the job.

I have mixed feelings about the prospect of leaving my current job. I've been at that office for three and a half years, the first year as a law student clerk. I have so many friends within the office, and I genuinely like the people with whom I work. Also, I do like my job on the whole. I've always liked the feeling that the work I do is providing a valuable service to the community. . . and that feeling would certainly be lacking in private practice, I think.

At the same time, just earning that much more $$ would make such a difference to my financial life. On the balance, I really think I have to change jobs in order to live the life I want to live.

Not much else to report. Eating has been eh. Sushi is not the worst thing in the world to have for lunch. . . . but I know I have eaten a little bit more than I should've these past couple of days.

Back to life

216.0 (at home this morning)
218.8 (at JC WI this evening)

I lost 3.0 lbs at this week's weigh-in, but that is hardly to my credit or due to my healthy choices. Up until this morning, I have barely been able to eat since Friday night. I'll take a loss any way I can get it, but feeling ill for three days stinks!

I flew to Houston last Friday to visit my friend D and her family. Aside from getting a bit of a late start from the local airport, the trip was uneventful. It was great to see D and her children, who have obviously grown quite a bit in the 19 months since I saw them last (they are 7, 9, and almost 11). The boys and I were looking forward to spending a fun Saturday together.

About an hour after I went to bed, I woke up with diarrhea and was up about every other hour the rest of the night. I also had awful nausea. Instead of playing with the boys, I ended up laying around most of Saturday--aside from a trip to Target to buy PeptoBismol. Not exactly the fun visit with "Miss S" that they had anticipated.

I only tried to eat more than dry toast twice during the whole trip, both times with undesirable consequences: one time I vomited, the other time I didn't, but felt nauseous and bloated for about 6 hours after the meal. Ugh.

Still and all, I did get to spend time with D and chat with her face-to-face. Despite my illness, we also went to a BBQ that my friend H--who lives in a different part of the Houston metro area--hosted in honor of her younger daughter's baptism. It was good to see H and her family again. I couldn't believe how much her older daughter had grown, and I had never seen her younger daughter (aged nearly 8 months) except in photos.

I have finally started feeling back to normal this afternoon. I have had no more nausea/vomiting/diarrhea since yesterday, but felt weak, bloated, and tired until after lunch. . . . despite getting nearly 13 hours of sleep upon returning home. I think I am gradually getting rehydrated.

I am a lousy patient, as I seldom get sick and usually shake things off quickly when I do. I hope this will be the last illness I will have to deal with for a while.

I am going to be seeing D & H in New Mexico in a few weeks. (We all have an event we are attending there.) So I'm happy about that.

In addition to my loss of 3 lbs this week, one other desirable side effect of my illness is that my stomach has shrunk. That should make it easier for me to stay on track with my JC plan this week.

I have a job interview on Friday! To make a long story short, a former co-worker of mine called and told me about an opportunity at the firm she will be leaving shortly for a new position. I emailed them my resume right after lunch and by two o'clock, I had a call to schedule an interview. I don't want to say too much more about the position, for fear of jinxing myself. I am hopeful, though.

Funny how these things happen. The colleague who called is not someone who knows me well, and didn't know that I was looking for a job; she just happened to think of me as someone who would be a good fit to fill her shoes once she leaves the job. I am choosing to view this as a positive harbinger of good karma. Perhaps the universe has decided that, after the difficult past two months or so that I've had, it's time for some positive change in my life.

The position is in Tucson and would mean at least $12,000 more a year, with the hope of making more $$ in the future. It might be just what the doctor ordered, if I get it. We'll see.

Not much else going on here. I won last week's trial, a home burglary. It was a brief, but fun trial; the jury returned a guilty verdict in about 20 minutes: a record for me. Even the judge's bailiff, who is notoriously pro-defense, said she would've convicted on these facts. LOL ;-)

Next trial is 6/12. . . a lovely possession of crack cocaine charge.

Ten reasons why I love living in Arizona

(Idea stolen from Hilly's blog. . . she borrowed it from someone else ;-) )

1. No cold weather or snow (at least here in the south). I have not owned a real coat in years, and I love it.

2. On a related note. . . I can drive a few hours, never leave the state, and see snow in winter if I want. I can go from the desert to the mountains in a short drive. Very cool.

3. It cracks me up how we are known nationally as a "red" state. Aside from the Phoenix metro area, which just happens to be the major population center, most of the rest of AZ is quite liberal and Democrat.

4. Saguaro cactuses. No other state's got 'em. . . at least not naturally occurring.

5. Even though it's predictable, I have to include the Grand Canyon. It's frickin' AMAZING! There is absolutely no substitute for seeing it firsthand; pictures do NOT do it justice.

6. The best mexican food this side of New Mexico. (In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that NM is my home state, though AZ is now my home.)

7. It's a dry heat. Seriously, it gets very, very hot here. . . . but at least it's not humid. My curly hair is thankful to avoid the frizz factor.

8. The summer monsoon. The rainstorms in the desert are something very unique and awesome. The sights, sounds, smells are incredible.

9. Casual is (almost) always appropriate. Try going to court or a wedding in denim in NYC. . . not gonna happen. Here, it's usually A-OK.

10. Wildcats basketball.

Brilliant!

221.8 (at home this morning and at JC WI this evening--odd)

I lost 1.2 lbs this week, despite putting forth minimal effort. I'm not complaining! I was a bit surprised, though pleasantly so.

Though I am still not as enthusiastic as I was when I started Jenny Craig, I am definitely not in the funk I felt a week ago. I'm going to continue making the best effort I can each day and not be too hard on myself when (not "if") I falter. I have been walking less at lunchtimes due to my workload, and I'm still not faithfully walking Sebastian each morning. But tomorrow's a new day.

I start a home burglary trial tomorrow. I'm both excited and apprehensive about it. I have a good case: both the defendant's fingerprint and his DNA (from a blood smear on blinds near the point of entry, a broken window) were found in the home (where he had no legitimate reason to be). Having a really good case, though, sometimes makes me more nervous. . . like "if I screw *this* up, I must really suck." LOL Plus, despite almost a year-and-a-half of prosecuting property crimes, this will be the first trial in which I have presented either fingerprint & DNA evidence. I hope all goes smoothly.

I also hope things go timely. I am planning on leaving the office at noon on Friday to fly out to visit my friend D & her family in Houston. I anticipate my trial will be finished on Wednesday afternoon, but unexpected things can come up from time to time. It will really stink if something comes up with the trial that makes me miss my trip.

On my way to morning court this morning, shortly before 9 a.m., I ran into SL, who was apparently just arriving to work. (We work across the street from one another; despite that fact, this is the first time I have run into him in the area since our break-up.) We had a brief but friendly conversation about his work (busy), his cat (needy), and how my mom is coping with the loss of her husband (fairly well).

In an odd way, I enjoyed seeing him. I do wonder about him and how he is doing a lot. I was a little sad after our encounter for a while. . . . but covering the busy morning calendar at court quickly distracted me from dwelling on the interaction. My feelings for him are still there, but I am still sure 95% of the time that ending our relationship was the right thing to do. As I am seldom 100% sure of anything, that'll have to do. Seeing him like that gives me hope that some day in the future we can be friends. I'm not quite ready for that yet, though.

I am, for the millionth time, getting back on track with being more organized. I cleaned off my desk today and did quite a bit of filing; my office looks neat. Work is always the easier part for me. I also re-subscribed to the FlyLady's emails. Even if I only do half of what she recommends, it'll still be more than I am doing currently.

I can hardly believe that Memorial Day is a week from today! I am very much looking forward to seeing my friend D, and to getting out of town for the long weekend. I haven't gone anywhere for fun for a while. . . not since I went to visit baby Rowan before Christmas. :-)

Forced to shop

221.0

I am still not totally gung ho about the whole weight loss thing like I was back in early April when I started on Jenny Craig. . . but I have been in less of a funk the past couple of days. I did get up this morning and take Sebastian for a 35-minute walk, and I've been making OK food choices. I feel less inclined to go totally overboard with food, too; probably because I am not as bummed out.

The house seems really quiet at the moment because Sebastian is at the groomer. (He was getting quite shaggy & smelling doggy.) It's strange how someone who doesn't talk can be such a good companion and how much I notice when he's not here.

I got a few errands done this morning after dropping off the dog. The pants I wore to work yesterday were literally falling down. It felt good to have that proof that I am losing some weight, but that means two pairs of pants are out of my work wardrobe rotation (I have the same style/size pants in another color, too). Last night I went through my clothes and discovered that I am still a little too fat for any of my size 14 pants: they fit, but tightly. I must have gone around in denial wearing ill-fitting clothes between size 14 and 18 because I have only one or two pairs of pants that fit my current size.

I stopped by Kohl's and bought three new pairs of work pants and a couple of cute spring blouses for work. Then I ran to the Walmart for miscellaneous stuff and bought a pair of jeans while I was there. (Same deal with jeans: I have a pair of size 18/20 that are now too big, and three pairs of size 14 that don't yet fit.)

I know it's not very womanly to say this, but I really hate to shop. Part of the reason, no doubt, is because I am so overweight; the selection in the plus-size section of most stores leaves much to be desired. (So many of the things look like something a grandma would wear.) Another reason I hate shopping is that I hate spending money on clothes. Also, I never seem to find exactly what I want. Unlike most women, I shop only when it is necessary. . . it is definitely NOT a recreational activity to me. If I were rich, even if I were thin & rich, I would have a personal shopper and never set foot in another clothing store.

The rest of the day will be pretty much more of the same. I'm reading a good book, and I hope I can exercise the self-discipline to get a few things done around the house. I was going to go to the post office today, too, but I am not in the mood to deal with the long line I am sure to find there. The things I have to mail to my mom & my sister can wait until some day this coming week.

I might even stop and pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress on my way to the groomer; I never picked it up once SL & I called off the wedding. The dress has been ready and waiting there since the end of March. At first, I just didn't want to deal with it--it was due to be picked up two days after we broke up. Later, I moved; between the chaos of the move and the fact that I know live quite far from the shop, I just haven't gotten around to doing anything about the dress. I might as well pick it up, though: it cost nearly $350, not to mention $225 for the alterations. I may try to resell it at a consignment shop or on ebay; worst case scenario, I will donate it to charity.

I'm going out to a few bars with some friends from work tonight. I hope it's fun. I haven't done the bar scene since law school. We'll see. :-)

I've lost my mojo

221.4 (unofficial at home)
223.0 (JC weigh-in--big 0.2 lb loss)

I have no idea why, but I seem to have mostly lost my motivation to work on the whole weight loss thing. I have been in a general funk for the past few days, brought on by a variety of things. I think that, combined with an "off the wagon" weekend, is the primary reason I seem to have lost my weight loss mojo. . . . but who knows, there may be others. For me, motivation is a mysterious thing.

I actually felt bad for my Jenny Craig consultant tonight. She is a spunky, happy woman in her mid-to-late forties who retired after a career as a court reporter and now does this as her part-time job. She has been very enthusiastic and encouraging at each week's visit, and she was quite dismayed and taken aback by my attitude today. I sensed that she was also quite baffled at my somewhat sudden volte face.

Well, I went ahead and bought the food for the week, in hopes that my drive will return. In any event, I have to eat something. . . I might as well eat something healthier than I'll pick up on the drive home from work.

I haven't exercised much in the past week either. For a few weeks, I was doing quite well: getting up in the mornings to take the dog for a 15-minute walk before work, and going for a walk on my lunch hour 2-3 times a week for at least 30 minutes. I think I went on two lunchtime walks in the past week, and I have reverted to laziness and multiple "snoozes" in the mornings and have been skipping the poor dog's morning walks all together.

I can't precisely pinpoint why I feel the way I do about the whole weight loss thing. In my current frame of mind, it just seems pointless to be working so hard to lose weight. My feeling about the whole endeavor is "for what?" Being thinner won't make me happier; it won't change my life in any way, except for giving me more clothing options and perhaps making more attractive to men.

And even once the weight is lost, the battle isn't won. In order to maintain an "ideal weight," I'd have to continue to be vigilant about what I eat every day for the rest of my life. I just feel that I am not really up for all this, and that there are better things for me to be focusing on. . . . things that might actually affect a positive change on my life as a whole, inside of just primarily my appearance.

Though I didn't really think of it in those terms at the time, I broke things off with SL with the understanding that I was making a choice between him and being alone. At no time did I think "I need to get out of this relationship so that I can make room in my life for something/someone better." No; my only thought was "living alone would be preferable to living with his drinking for the rest of my life."

Because of that decision, I think that I am more resigned to the idea of being single for the rest of my life than I have ever been after a break-up. It's as if I approached the edge of a precipice, looked over to see what lay below, and realized I'd rather not make the jump because what was at the bottom didn't seem worth the risk to me. Because of this state of mind, one of my primary motivators for weight loss--the hope of attracting a man--is basically gone.

I will freely admit that I have always been inclined to get a bit fatalistic (& pessimistic) after a break-up. I've often uttered the words "I'm never going to get married." This time, though, I believe that this possibility is a distinct possibility. This is not me feeling sorry for myself; this is me accepting what is and bearing the consequences of my choices.

One change in my life that I believe would bring me greater happiness than weight loss would be a job change. Don't get me wrong: I love being a lawyer; I love being a prosecutor. What I *do* not love is the low pay and the constant worry about money that goes along with that low pay. My tastes are quite simple, and I am not at all a greedy person. Having said that, though, it would be nice to earn enough $$ to not empty my checking account before every paycheck, have some savings for retirement and for emergencies, and be able to pursue at least one or two hobbies.

I've put the word out among my lawyer friends that I am looking in earnest for a new job. I have had a couple of leads from friends so far, though neither was precisely what I'm looking for. Several other friends have offered to keep their eyes & ears open and let me know when/if opportunities are available. I am resigned to the fact that finding the right position--something that will be interesting enough not to bore me, but not so intensive that I'll be stressed out--at the right salary (no less than $15-20K more a year than I make currently) may take several months. My current hope is to be in a new job by the end of the year.

Reading back on this entry and the more I think about it, I should at least get back to walking Sebastian in the mornings. There's no reason why the best Golden Retriever in the world should be short-changed just because his owner is a lazy sack. ;-)

Every choice has consequences

220.4 (unofficial this morning)

I'm glad it's Friday! I have had a busy week without really getting much accomplished. For one thing, I was in court every morning this week, as opposed to usually only 2-3 mornings in a week. For reasons that are not clear to me, I have not been very focused at work this week, either. Hmph.

My house is a mess. Despite my initial good intentions & plans to unpack a box a day. . . . I have not touched the remaining boxes from my move since before my parents' visit two weekends ago. (sigh) I finally vacuumed the common areas of the house last night; that is basically the only housework I have done all week. I don't know why I seem to have such a mental block against keeping things neat & organized. If I had a therapist, that is definitely an issue we would discuss.

At work, I am quite organized. My desk may fall into chaos for a few days when things are hectic (& they often are), but I always know where to find things, and the mess never lasts for more than those few days. When I was a hospital nurse, before law school, it was the same: I was very organized at work. I'm not sure what the disconnect is that prevents me from imposing the same order on my home that I do at my job. One would think being organized at home--particularly when I'm living alone--would be easier. . . .

I've been thinking a lot lately about a change in jobs. Despite the fact that I genuinely enjoy what I do at work, I am underpaid and have no real hope of financial advancement: my workplace does not even have a "ladder" system or merit raises. We get a nominal "cost of living adjustment" (which doesn't keep pace with the actual increase in the cost of living) *if* the local government officials approve it.

I do love being a prosecutor. I find criminal law very interesting, and I like having a job as a lawyer that benefits the public, rather than just being a "gun for hire." At the same time, I am cognizant of the fact that my choice in job is limiting the other choices I can make in the rest of my life. . . . for example, I will never be able to afford to buy my own home at my current job & salary. Single parenthood, which is something I might otherwise consider, would be fiscally irresponsible at best. Even if I didn't care about owning a home or being a mom, my salary barely allows me to meet my financial obligations every month; I have no emergency fund, no way to save, and no extra $$ to spend on anything fun.

Something's gotta give. When I'd planned to marry SL, we had often discussed the fact of my low salary and that I could be making more $$ elsewhere. SL always said he would focus on getting increasingly higher-paying jobs so that I could continue to do the job I enjoy, and he was making good on that promise. Even if he'd only stayed at the same salary as me, that was still double the money to run a household, so things would not have been out of reach for us.

Now there is no "us"--just me--and that may be the case for the foreseeable future, and I have to plan accordingly.

There are three primary things that hold me back from looking for a better-paid position: first, the fact that I really enjoy what I do; second, my (natural) fear of changing to a new area of law; and third, that a new job might mean that I have to relocate. I really like the city in which I live, and I have been here for over six years. . . . the longest I have lived in any one place since college.

Oh well. Reality often dictates that we make choices which might not always be our preferred course of action, were circumstances different.

Looking forward to seeing some friends and having a fun weekend. . . .

Successful weigh-in

223.2 (official Jenny Craig weight)
220.8 (on my home scale this morning)

Woo Hoo! Just had to share that I had an official loss this week of 3.0 lbs. That puts me at a total of 11.4 lbs down after 4 weeks on Jenny Craig.

I am pretty satisfied with the program. Aside from the one-on-one weekly consultations and their pre-packaged foods, it's really much like any other weight loss program I've tried. The "secrets" to success are portion control, eating more vegetables & less fat, drinking water, eating at a regular intervals, and getting in at least a little exercise. Not rocket science. :-)

As I told my consultant this evening. . . the real question for me is not "can I lose weight?" I know I can lose a certain amount of weight following any diet plan. Just off the top of my head, I can recall four separate occasions in my adult life when I have lost a significant amount of weight (i.e., at least 30 lbs) through dieting & exercise: twice on Weight Watchers, once on Jenny Craig, and once following the Body for Life plan.

No, my real questions are: "Can I continue to lose weight and get to a goal weight?" and "Can I maintain the weight I've lost long-term once I've lost it?" Those are MY real challenges, no matter what program I use to get the weight off. Each time I have lost weight, I have stopped short of reaching a weight within the healthy range for me; each time, I have regained the lost weight within 1-2 years, usually packing on extra pounds besides.

I think the real psychological issues I have related to my weight start to really surface and thwart my progress the closer I get to my goal. Once I get into the 170's and 160's (and below), that's when I'm really going to have to do the hard work; the mental work that it takes for lasting weight loss and maintenance.

For now, I am content to be making progress toward my goal. 11.4 lbs lost in 4 weeks is not too shabby. :-)

All dressed up and no place to go

222.2 (unofficial)

Today I was wondering--and not for the first time--why it is so easy and quick to gain weight and so slow and difficult to lose weight. Evolution & genetics, I guess. It sure stinks, though.

Looking back over the past six days as I start thinking about my weekly weigh-in tomorrow evening, I think I've had a fairly good week. I haven't gotten in quite as much exercise as the three previous weeks, and there have been a couple of times I have probably eaten a little bit more when dining out than I should've. Over all, though, I feel confident I will see a loss at tomorrow night's weigh-in. We'll see.

I was slated to start a two-week homicide trial tomorrow (second-chairing with a more experienced prosecutor in our office), but late this afternoon, the trial was delayed. The judge ruled in our favor on a novel question of law, then granted the defendant's attorneys' request to stay the proceedings so that they can appeal to the court of appeals on that issue.

I feel kind-of let down! All last week, I was working on a lot of stuff in my office, trying to clear all my pressing matters so that I could focus on this trial for the next two weeks. Now the case will not be proceeding to trial for at least another 3-4 months; it'll take that long at least for the appeals court to decide the issue. Ah well. One thing I can say about my job: there is never a shortage of work I can be doing.

An odd thought briefly crossed my mind when I realized the trial was going to be delayed for a few months: God willing, by the time this case goes forward, I will be wearing different suits than I'm wearing now because I will have gone down a dress size or two! :-)

I had a happy moment at work today. I am prosecuting two defendants as accomplices in auto theft case. It is clear to me that one of the defendants is more culpable than the other; unfortunately, I have more evidence (& therefore a stronger case) against the less culpable defendant. Because the worse defendant also has a long criminal history, I have been trying for months to get the other defendant to testify against him. (The two used to be girlfriend/boyfriend.)

Previously when I have approached defendant #2 through her attorney about testifying, she has declined, citing fear of the defendant and no incentive for her. . . though I offered to allow her to plead to a greatly reduced charge in exchange for her truthful testimony. This morning I got a call from defendant #2's attorney letting me know that she has decided now that she will testify against her (ex-)boyfriend!

I'm psyched because I know he is the real "player" in their scheme, though he has been careful to cover his tracks and lay blame on her. He is a "deserving defendant," and it is satisfying to know that now I'll be able to find out the real story behind this crime and present that to a jury at his trial. Just knowing the jurors got to hear all about his involvement will be satisfying, regardless of the verdict. . . . but obviously I am optimistic that her testimony will improve my case against him.

In addition to allowing me to get more stuff done in the office this week, the fact that the trial went away (for the moment) means that I will be less stressed in the evenings and able to go out to lunch, too. Today I had lunch with M, a co-worker with whom I am becoming friends, and that was fun; her husband is going to be out of town starting Thursday, so she suggested we hang out on Thursday or Friday night. Another friend, M from law school, suggested dinner one night this week, as his wife is away on a business trip. Other friends are planning an outing to a baseball game on Friday night, and Saturday I am going to visit my friend K about 100 miles away to go to a party a mutual friend is hosting. So it should be a social week.

I gotta love my best friend K. I was telling her last night on the phone about how I had set a new goal for myself to be more social, and to that end, had gone to happy hour on Friday and to that party on Saturday. It came up that I'd gone to happy hour straight from work, dressed down (casual Friday), with no makeup and hair pulled back in a low ponytail. She kindly pointed out that if I am hoping for men to notice and perhaps approach me, maybe giving a little more care to my appearance would further that cause. LOL I know she's right. It just makes me laugh because she has been trying to get me to wear makeup all the years we've known each other; this just gives her another incentive to offer me.

Not much else to tell. I am aiming for a picture-perfect Jenny Craig day tomorrow to finish off my good week.

Out and about

221.4 (unofficial)

I am trying to be more social and spend more time with groups of people, rather than just sitting at home or hanging out with only my friends. To that end, I went out the last two nights. Friday night I went to happy hour after work; last night I went to a local charity event with a couple of women I know from work (people I like, but am not yet "friends" with).

It was fun to get out and around. It made me think about how little of this type of socializing I've been doing since living with SL. He never felt very comfortable being in groups of people, so most of the things we did were either alone or just with a few close friends.

I actually drank a little each night, too; I had 3 beers on Friday night and 3 rum & diet Cokes last night, I don't know how good that is for my weight loss goals--probably not very--but that's another thing I had stopped doing while with SL: drinking alcohol. I guess seeing him under the influence all the time had pretty much turned me off the idea of drinking.

It may be a little soon for me to be feeling this way, but I have developed a romantic interest in someone. This man is someone I have known professionally and socially since shortly before I passed the bar and became a lawyer (roughly 2 1/2 years). I had never thought of him in a "would I want to date him?" way until recently. . . . probably because I have been in a relationship with SL almost the entire time I've known him.

Anyway, we had lunch the last week of April at my suggestion because I wanted to talk to him about two cases. We ended up talking about the cases for about 10 minutes during an hour-and-a-half long lunch. I can honestly say that I had the best time on that lunch that I've had talking with a man in a long time. . . . though even then, I had not really had romantic thoughts about him, just thinking of him as a fun friend.

Friday night he came to happy hour, and we hung out together for a little over two hours. More good conversation. *That* is when my crush started developing. . . .

Well, even if my interest is shared. . . . which is by no means a given. . . . I still don't know if anything will come of this, for a variety of reasons. It's fun, though, to have a crush on someone! And it's reassuring because I wasn't sure if I'd ever be interested in any man in that way again. (I should've known that life would go on in every area. LOL)

I'm off to take Sebastian to the dog park; we are meeting friends there for a dog play date. LOL He has just nosed the door handle to indicate that he is ready for a walk, so I'm sure he'll enjoy it!

"Sabotage" is such a strong word

224.8 (unofficial this morning)

226.0 (last night's Jenny Craig weigh-in)

By some miracle, I'd actually lost 0.2 lbs at last night's weigh-in. I say "by some miracle" because my weekend was definitely not JC compliant. My dad and stepmom were visiting and in full vacation mode eating-wise.

My JC consultant said sabotage by family & friends is actually quite common, and that they often don't even realize they're doing it. I remember hearing this at Weight Watchers as well.

It's funny: ever since I was an adolescent, my father has harped on my weight. He actually said to me once when I was about 13 "do you want to grow up to be a fat slob like your mother?" During my first year of law school, he sat me down and told me, in all seriousness, that I would find more men attracted to me if I lost about 50 lbs. I politely responded that this was something I, too, had considered, but that I found it difficult to motivate myself to lose weight solely on the proposition that I'd have more dates if I did.

I mentioned to him when they arrived Friday that I had started on Jenny Craig and that I have been focusing on eating better and exercising since my break-up with SL. He told me he was proud and to "keep it up". . . . and then proceeded to shove food at me all weekend.

A few examples: we had dinner at Chili's the evening they arrived. Shouldn't have been a problem; there are plenty of healthful options at Chili's. BUT they had ordered a deep-fried appetizer before I arrived and insisted I "share" it with them. . . even going so far as to put items on a plate and push it in front of me. They also ordered desserts at Chili's and tried to make me feel bad when I declined to share with them.

On Sunday, my father was determined to get dessert at Coldstone Creamery. When I said I would be happy to take them there, but didn't plan to have any ice cream myself, my stepmom said "Well, we can't go if you aren't going to have ice cream, too." My dad then criticized me for ordering the small-sized ice cream--"the large is only 60 cents more, you should've gotten that." They both insisted on pizza for dinner and were quite put-out when I said I'd just eat something else--"we won't order a pizza if you're not going to it eat, too."

Oy vey. I love my parents, and it was very good to see them. On the weight loss front, though, it is a good thing they live out of town and don't visit often.

My poor dog has been sick the past couple of days. His first symptom was loss of appetite; then yesterday and early this morning he vomited a few times. He's also been very subdued and seems really tired. I called the vet this morning, and the tech with whom I spoke seemed to think there wasn't anything to worry about and that this should run its course in 24 hours or so. I've been worried about my boy! Aside from two eye infections and one nasty ear infection--the most recent of these being almost three years ago--he has never been sick a day in the nearly five years I've had him.

He is sleeping soundly on the armchair right now, and it's not even 6:30 pm! Normally he would be demanding petting or a walk, or at least be chewing one his Nylabones. He ate a little bit of plain pasta & cottage cheese this evening (vet-recommended) and has kept that done for over an hour. . . so I hope this means he is getting better.

I had lunch today with my friend L from law school. It was really good to talk with her; we hadn't seen each other since my bridal shower. Of course, she knew about my break-up with SL, and she was very kind and didn't ask any questions about it, except "are you doing OK?" She is one of those people that I have always really liked since the first time we've met; we've never been super-close, but I'm glad that I still get to hang out with her from time to time, now that we no longer work together (as we did for three years).

Not much else to report. Work has been busy this week. I have 19 cases set for trial between now and the end of August. I'd like to actually try only about 10 of those, so we'll see what'll happen to the other 9. :)

Onward and downward

223.8 (unofficial this morning)

226.2 (last night's JC weigh in)

I'm feeling very good about my weight loss & exercise these past couple of weeks. Despite the fact that I have had a higher-than-usual stress level, what with my move and dealing with the emotions following my break up w/SL, I have successfully stuck with the JC program and have lose 8.4 lbs so far. I've noticed my (size 18!) clothes feeling looser, and a couple of coworkers have noticed my weight loss. I'm in a very positive state of mind, in this area of my life at least.

I think I am coping with my break up quite well. . . no longer crying daily, able to concentrate at work again, able to calmly answer the (many) questions from acquaintances about the break up. At the same time, I still miss SL often and am quite sad about the way things ended when I stop and think about it. I've never been one to bury my feelings, so I do think about him and our relationship at least a few times a day; nights and mornings are the hardest because it's just Sebastian & me in the house.

He & I park in the same parking garage, and I saw him at his car as I was driving out yesterday. I had the urge to roll down my window and say hi or at least honk my horn. . . but I let it go. I know I cannot be with him, so there is no useful purpose to be served by forcing us to interact. Maybe in several months, when/if my feelings for him have waned, we'll be able to be friends. Right now, it's too hard for me because, despite everything, I still love him.

Anyway. . . I know that what I am feeling is normal. I would actually be pretty concerned about myself if I had planned to marry this man and could easily put my feelings for him aside a mere month after our break up. I never doubted that I loved SL--just whether a marriage between us could work--but if I'd had any doubt of my feelings, the depth of my emotions now, a full month after our break up, would've confirmed for me that I truly loved him.

It's a really hard thing to realize that love is not enough to fix some problems. Contrary to what we hear from poets, songwriters, and Hollywood scripts, love does NOT conquer all. I'll survive this, though.

I'm trying to focus on the good things about being single again. One of those, obviously, is that it is lots easier to stick to a diet & exercise plan when you're only thinking of yourself. Another is that I get to watch all the chick flicks and Friends episodes I want in the evenings. I've been taking full advantage of that: I watched Sense & Sensibility last night, along with three of my favorite Friends episodes. I'm also making an effort to spend time with friends. Not that I ever neglected my friendships when I was with SL--he was OK with time apart, and I've never been that girl--but obviously being in a serious romantic relationship takes up a fair chunk of your time.

Little things are important to focus on, too. I get to keep the thermostat where I want it. I don't have to see or smell smokeless tobacco (SL used Copenhagen--yuck!). I can take up the entire bed.

My dad and stepmom are arriving Friday afternoon/evening to visit for the weekend. I'm going out for sushi tomorrow night, so I need to get the guest room ready for them tonight: wash their new sheets and towels, make the bed, and dust my very dusty bedroom furniture. I've given up on being completely unpacked by the time they arrive. . . not gonna happen.

Mmmm. . . . brownie

224.6 (unofficial)

I know some people say that you shouldn't weigh yourself daily, particularly when you are trying to lose weight. I, for one, don't think it's a terrible thing to do, so long as you don't let a change on the scale freak you out. I look on daily weigh-ins as information gathering.

That said, I have been weighing myself daily since starting Jenny Craig on 4/10. Some days the scale hasn't changed much; once or twice it's been up a bit from the day before. Totally normal. I was pretty psyched about the weight I saw this morning, so I had to share it.

I am very glad that the scale is now moving down instead of up. How sad, though, that I am actually happy to see 224.6 on my scale! Considering I started Weight Watchers at 212.2 in January 2003 (and at 179 in January 1992, if you want to go back that far), it's pretty disgusting that I am happy to be back in the 220's. . . but I AM happy about it! :)

I had a very lazy day today. I slept in until almost 10:30, then read for the next four hours. (One book, cover to cover.) I finally hopped in the shower around 3:00, ran a couple of errands, then went to a BBQ at my friend/coworker V's house. I enjoyed the BBQ, though many of the guests were leaving by the time I arrived. Once I returned home, I chatted on the phone with a couple of friends, then spent over an hour editing and uploading the photos from my stepdad's memorial service.

The main thing I needed to do this weekend--unpack!--I haven't done at all. . . yet. There is still tomorrow, and I am optimistic about getting the kitchen, my bathroom, and a good chunk of the den unpacked. I know if I buckle down and get to it, it will probably take less than two hours. I just need to exercise some self-discipline. I also need to get the guest room ready, as my dad & stepmom are coming to visit on Friday. I bought them nice, crisp white sheets & towels yesterday. Just need to pop those babies in the wash, make the bed, and spruce up their bathroom a bit; it's not really in need of a cleaning because I don't use it.

I also plan to go for a 45-60 minute walk tomorrow morning. Poor Sebastian got no walk today due to my laziness, so I intend to make it up to him tomorrow. Not to mention I need the exercise. I ate a brownie at the BBQ; that was definitely NOT on my eating plan for today.

No trial this coming week. . . but I do need to put my nose to the grindstone and get some things done. I would be going in to the office tomorrow, but for the fact that the power in our building is going to be off all day. I can't get much accomplished there without lights and the computer! I'll just have to go in a little earlier and be more focused this week.

Loss: good at the scale, not with the jury

229.2 (at Jenny Craig centre)

I had my end-of-first-week weigh in tonight, and lost 5.4 lbs! I was very pleased with that. I know from my (vast) prior dieting experience that this rate of weight loss will not continue and that it is likely mostly water weight, but it is still encouraging to see a big loss on the scale.

My consultant took my measurements tonight (skipped last week due to time constraints), and I have a plan for this week. I am going to be eating dinner out tomorrow & Thursday, as well as a couple of lunches out and a barbeque on Saturday, so this week will be more of a true test of my resolve. This past week I just stuck to my pre-planned Jenny Craig menu: simple enough, just don't eat anything that isn't on the list. And I never allowed myself to be tempted by anything else.

I was proud to note, too, looking back on my log for the week, that I got at least a 15-minute walk in every day but one last week. I am getting into a good routine with walking Sebastian in the mornings now; I have taken him 3 of the last 4 mornings. I only take him for 15 minutes, but I actually see quite an improvement in his behavior & disposition, even with that small amount of exercise. I am also going for walks at lunch when I can.

Just started my trial at 1:30 today, and we are almost finished. Defense counsel and I will stipulate to some evidence tomorrow in lieu of testimony; the defendant will take the stand; and then we'll give closing arguments and give the jury the case. He is offering an interesting defense, and I am looking forward to the challenge of my cross-exam.

Not much else going on here. K pointed out that if I unpack two boxes per day, I'd been done in less than 2 weeks. So I am taking her suggestion and am determined to get through at least two boxes tonight. I'd better get to it!

Complete change of scenery

Another Monday. I moved on Friday, then returned to the old apartment Saturday to clear out the few things left there and clean up. Over 8 hours of work Friday and 4 hours Saturday, and I no longer live in the apartment SL & I shared for a year and a half.

I got a little teary after turning in the keys. My new place is much larger, and much nicer--a house instead of an apartment--and I know I am making a change for the better. I've got to get on with my life without SL in it. It's just hard. I actually missed him quite a bit on Sunday. Aside from the drinking, we had quite a good relationship. And obviously I have not stopped loving him after just 3 short weeks.

Sebastian is gradually adjusting to the new place. He loves the large backyard. . . though he is reluctant to go out there alone for very long. He generally stands or lies in front of the sliding glass door looking out. If I leave that back door open, he will go out in the yard for a while, then run back in to check where I am. There is an aquarium here, and he loves looking at the fish. Too funny.

I have a trial tomorrow! Short case, probably take only a day and a half, simple possession of cocaine. Shouldn't even really be going to trial, IMHO, but whateva. That's what I get paid to do.

Jenny Craig program is going well. My biggest problem following the plan this first week was the move: it made it hard for me to eat every 3-4 hours as I'm supposed to. I have been a little hungry at times, but not unbearably so. I have gotten a little bit of exercise in, too, this week; I'm quite proud of how I've done, actually. Shows me that "I've still got it." Honestly, losing weight has never been the problem for me. My problem is sticking with it, not losing motivation, and making a permanent change. Oh yeah, and keeping off the weight I lose.

I walked a 5K yesterday for the local Race for the Cure. It was good. It really brought home to me, though, how out of shape I am. I used to knock out a 5K distance 3 times a week, no sweat; now it was a bit of a challenge. My feet were killing me by the end. But I finished it! And even walked about a mile back to the car afterwards. It helped that I had a much thinner, younger, more fit friend along to shame me into continuing. LOL

Gotta take a last look at my case file before tomorrow's trial. I'll post again after tomorrow night's weigh in.

Fun movie post!

I've written nothing but heavy posts for a while, so when I saw this on snackiepoo's blog, I just had to rip it off. Plus, I love movies!

THE MOVIE MEME

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times. Top Gun, Princess Bride, Grease, Clueless, Sixteen Candles, Star Wars, Jerry Maguire

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater. Silence of the Lambs

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie. Matthew McConaughey (or Reese Witherspoon, if we're including actresses)

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie. Matt Damon or Penelope Cruz

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from. Clueless, Napoleon Dynamite, The Big Lebowski, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club

6. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs. The Sound of Music, Grease

7. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with. Oklahoma

8. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see. Crash.

9. Name a movie that you own. Clueless, Jerry Maguire

10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops. "Marky Mark" Walberg

11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what? Yes, Splash, when I was 11.

12. Ever made out in a movie? Yes. . . but not for years & years

13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it. The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

14. Ever walked out of a movie? Yes, two: Ernest, Scared Stupid and Rushmore

15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater. Titanic. . .and I am NOT a crier!

16. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater? 300

17. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie? Either a psychological thriller or a "chick flick" (romantic comedy), depending on my mood.

18. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater? Born Free

19. What movie do you wish you had never seen? Seven

20. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed? Pan's Labyrinth

21. What is the scariest movie you've seen? Jaws, because I saw it when I was 7 and had nightmares for weeks, or Silence of the Lambs.

22. What is the funniest movie you've seen? I could never pick just one! A few that spring to mind are Airplane!, History of the World Part I, Team America: World Police, The 40-year Old Virgin.

Day One of Jenny Craig

234.6 (ugh!)

The weight above is my official J.C. starting weight. Awful! According to their chart, I should weigh between 112 and 142 for my height (5'4.5"), which means I am at least 92.6 lbs overweight. When I said I only needed to gain a little more weight to qualify for gastric bypass surgery, I wasn't far off the mark.

You have an option of choosing the "Jenny cuisine" you want and can also eat out, following program guidelines. For this week, though, I decided to do a pre-planned menu. For the first 2-3 weeks, as I am trying to re-establish control of my eating, I don't want much flexibility. Plus, doing the pre-planned menu gives me a chance to try out some of the J.C. foods that I might not otherwise try.

I am on a 1200 calorie per day menu plan. . . the lowest calorie plan they have. I wasn't sure how that would work for me, but actually, so far today I have not been hungry, unless it was time to eat again. (I'm eating every 3 hours or so.) I'm also drinking lots of water--though I always do, I've stepped it up a little--and have had no caffeine.

At lunch, I went with some co-workers for a 30-minute walk. . . not terribly brisk, more of a moderate pace, because I didn't want to get sweaty. A group of us are going to be walking 3-4 days a week at a nearby convention center that opens its (air-conditioned) doors to walkers over the lunch hour. I plan to take the dog for another 15-20 minute walk this evening after work, too.

So I am off to a good start on the J.C. plan! I think it helps that my appetite has not been normal the last few weeks due to the stress of my break-up and Jim's death. Had I been eating my usual amounts, I think the 1200-calorie plan would've been a much greater shock to my system. . . I'm sure I generally eat probably twice, or even three times, that amount.

SL is coming by the apartment after work tonight to pick up the items he left behind and to clean his bathroom & the guest room. I am going to leave and go see the movie Blades of Glory with my friend A so that I can avoid seeing him. Not that we would fight or anything like that; it's just that I still find it painful to be around him. It's just easier for me to be out of his way.

I've had a little lingering headache all day. . . woke up with it early this morning, actually. I've been taking ibuprofen all day, but it's still lurking, just under the surface. I have not had a migraine in over two weeks--and this isn't a migraine, just a headache--so I hope this doesn't mean my migraines are coming back. So far, so good, with the ibuprofen, though: the pain has never gotten out of hand today, though it's never completely gone away.

Not much else to report. Work is eh. Trying to get some stuff done, but still not really feelin' it. :)

I don't wanna work

I'm back at work this morning after my trip to Ohio for Jim's memorial service. It was COLD the whole time we were there! The highest daytime temperature I saw was 36 degrees. There were also snow flurries off and on all weekend. The news said Ohio had a colder Easter than Christmas.

I thought the memorial service went well; my mom seemed pleased with the way things turned out. She appears to be coping pretty normally. She's tearful at times and says the house seems empty, but is doing OK otherwise.

It was good to see the relatives, despite the circumstances. My cousin-by-marriage has three children--aged 11, 6, and 7 months--and they provided quite a bit of amusement and entertainment. I love kids! I enjoyed spending time with my mom & sister, too.

Today has been a Monday in every sense of the word. I am tired, dehydrated, cranky, and overwhelmed by all the things that have accumulated on my desk and in my inbox during my *2* day absence from work! I'm kicking around the idea of going home early; I just don't think I'm mentally/emotionally prepared to sort out this mess today. Everything will still be here tomorrow, and maybe I will be in a better frame of mind then.

I've made arrangements to move on Friday. K is coming down to help me, and I've rented a truck. I think a change of scene will be good, and the house I am going to be renting is so cute. I'm going to start walking the dog around the neighborhood as soon as I move in so I can establish a good habit/routine at the new place.

I'm still joining Jenny Craig tomorrow evening, too. I'm actually looking forward to taking control of my eating and my weight again. So many things in my life are outside my control. I fondly remember how good it felt to manage something that I *could* manage.

One day at a time. . .

When it rains. . . .

Sebastian & I were finally able to return home last night; SL moved to his new apartment yesterday. Predictably, he left some of his things--and a big mess--behind. But at least we are no longer living together.

In the midst of my personal crisis w/SL, I got a call from my mom early, early Saturday morning telling me that my stepdad had passed away. He had been in the hospital with pneumonia since March 20th and has been in declining health for the last few years, so his death was not entirely unexpected, but sad nonetheless. My mom seems to be coping OK, though she says she feels "like there's a hole inside me." They were together for over 27 years; I was 9 years old the first time I met him.

The small silver lining in the black cloud that is my breakup with SL is that my trial calendar for this week and next has been kept clear for months. . . allowing me to fly to Ohio to be with my mom for my stepdad's memorial service this Saturday. My sister and I will be flying to Columbus from our respective homes Thursday and driving together to Mom's rural Ohio home. Honestly, had Jim passed away two or three weeks from now, I would have had a very difficult time arranging my schedule to be there for my mom. So one little good thing has come out of cancelling our wedding.

Mom was worried that I would be upset that she set the memorial service on the date that was supposed to be my wedding day. I'm not upset at all; it is my fervent hope that in two or three years, April 7th will have no significance in my life.

That's my current life in a nutshell. Work is the same as ever, busy, one thing after another. Having a lot to do at work has probably helped keep me sane over the past several days. My trial schedule in late April and May is quite full, and I even have a few trials set already in June and July. . . so I should continue to be busy at work. And I've made a conscious decision NOT to actively look for another job until at least Labor Day. (Not to say that I will scorn any good opportunities that come my way.) I want to take a few months just to adjust to my newly-single status.

When I return from Ohio, I'll only have another week or so in the apartment SL & I shared before I move to a house. The house, which belongs to my supervisor, is a very cute 2-bedroom, 2 bath with a den, yard, and 2-car garage several miles northwest of where I currently live. SL & I were supposed to move there together at the end of April, but despite that fact, I think it will be a good place for me to make a new start: totally unfamiliar part of town, different route to work, far from SL, and no associations with our relationship. My supervisor & I have worked out an arrangement where I am only paying her what I'd be paying for a one-bedroom apartment. It's to her advantage to have the house occupied by someone she trusts, and I am obviously reaping a huge benefit because she could get twice the rent on the open market.

I'm also joining Jenny Craig when I get back. Yes, I've blogged about this before, and about trying to lose weight in other ways, too, but this time I will follow through. I've already made the intake appointment for April 10th. My focus is going to be on myself again for the first time in a long time; I think that shift in focus will help me to do what I didn't/couldn't do while I was with SL. The change in neighborhood is also going to help me get out and walk the dog more, simply because the area is more conducive to that than where we currently live.

I am still sad, but I am hopeful that I will eventually feel better.