I stayed home from work yesterday; I called in sick. I woke up feeling achy all over and just exhausted, with a slight scratchy throat, so I thought I must be coming down with something. After sleeping until nearly 11:00 a.m., I woke up feeling fine, so in retrospect I don't think I was really sick. Maybe just residual effects of staying up later than usual to watch a baseball game that went into extra innings or just sick and tired.
I am, and have been, in a definite funk. (I hesitate to call it a "depression" because I just don't think it is quite that severe.) I felt better for a few days when I first starting applying for other jobs and when I had an interview, and in the rush of motivation which came with restarting JC, but over the past few days, my mood has once again deteriorated.
I think my feelings stem primarily from just feeling "stuck." Our inability to achieve parenthood thus far has meant that I am stuck in my personal life for the time being. I can't move forward with plans to live a childless life, because we don't know for sure yet whether that is where we will end up. And I obviously can't make plans for parenthood when it is equally uncertain. Certain travel and hobbies are limited by the need to save money, both due to my decreased income related to my decreased workload and due to not knowing whether we may have to shell out big bucks for fertility treatment in the not-so-distant future.
Now I feel stuck at work as well. Not only do I feel stuck in my specific job because I haven't been able to find another one and because things have been so slow (adversely affecting my income), but I don't feel like I have grown much here professionally for a while. I am the type of person who craves constant learning and, to a certain degree, change, so "celebrating" three years at this job today does not feel like a celebration at all. Even economics notwithstanding, I want to do something else. Work at a different firm, go back to criminal prosecution, take an in-house counsel position, something.
I am stuck in Phoenix, too, by virtue of the fact that I own a home here that we couldn't sell without suffering a financial loss. Also, my husband's job is here, and my in-laws relocated to the area to be near MM, their only child. I am no longer free to move if I want, and while this fact didn't bother me when I was content with my life, it is bothering me now. (Ironically, I think back on the years when I was unsettled and moving often and longing to be rooted in one place. Well, now I am.)
I have stayed pretty much on track with JC this week, aside from a tiny half slice of thin crust pizza last night substituted for my evening snack of fruit and yogurt and filching a small chocolate chip cookie on Wednesday night. So I guess that is one thing I can feel good about.
My inclination is to just whole up in my house on the couch or in bed with books and TV, but I don't have that luxury. I guess it's a good thing I am forced to work full-time. . . . keeps me from having a breakdown.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Posted by S at 10:56 AM