I have had a busy day at work, and something really crap-tastic happened this morning that I don't even want to get into. I am hopeful that it will be resolved. (I was actually sobbing in my car on the way to a deposition; crying for anything is VERY unusual for me! My sister opined that perhaps it was PMS causing me to over-react. I'm not sure, but I am rarely that emotional over ANYTHING.)
Before my day went off the skids, I woke up with the vivid memory of an odd dream. In my dream, I was staying with friends in a large house. It wasn't entirely clear who the friends were or where the house was located, but the house itself was sort-of a hybrid between the Rocky Point beach house we visited a couple of weeks ago and my sister's Outer Banks beach house. . . but I don't think I was at the beach in the dream. Anyway, it was a large house with many bedrooms.
For reasons that are equally unclear, MM was sleeping in a different room from me. In the dream, I was pregnant and within 3-4 weeks of delivering. I woke up (in the dream), placed my hands on my abdomen, and realized I wasn't pregnant anymore. At just about that same moment, a friend of mine from college (let's call him "D") appeared at my bedside holding a newborn wrapped in a blue receiving blanket. (The friend who was holding the baby is not someone that I ever talk to and rarely even think of! Our only contact since 1994 has been one email exchange via classmates.com over a year ago.)
"D" proudly presented my baby boy to me and explained that I had "delivered during the night." He assured me that it was such an easy delivery that I didn't even wake up. (HA!) He said that he'd weighed and measured the baby and that he was perfectly normal. Although D is not a doctor, in real life or in the dream (he's a computer engineer in real life), I accepted this very matter-of-factly and inquired no further.
Everyone around me was calling my baby "James." Now James is a fine name, but it's not one I would ever choose for my son, for the simple reason that it was my stepfather's name. My father, who raised me from age 9 on and had no love for my stepdad, would blow a gasket if I named a baby James! (Aside: my sister briefly toyed with the idea of using our stepdad's surname as a name for her son--it's a lovely name that would've been wholly appropriate--but didn't use it for the same reason I've outlined here. ;-) )
I couldn't tell my friends what the baby's name actually was, though, because MM and I had not yet decided between "Alexander" and "Colin" prior to the birth. And MM didn't want to wake up to see the baby; he wanted to sleep and said he could see him later. (!) So everyone kept calling him James, even when I said it wasn't his name.
The baby was obviously MM's. He looked exactly like pictures I have seen of MM as a newborn: lots of blonde hair and blue-eyed. Kinda your typical little Norwegian-American baby.
My ex-boyfriend R--who I have not been with since late 1996--was in the dream also. Somehow I came to understand that R and I had a baby together who was only a few months older than the newborn, certainly less than six months old. . . . though that is physically impossible! In addition to the fact that you can't give birth from two separate pregnancies twice in the same year, in real life, R is married and has had a vasectomy. R's baby didn't live with me, and I don't know where s/he lived; s/he looked like R, though. (R is Navajo, so he and MM look distinctly different.)
Then the scene changed, and I was with my newborn in an upscale 4-star restaurant in Chicago. We were waiting to be seated and served, and we were alone. I had no diaper bag or purse or anything else. . . . just the little "bundle" in my arms. As we were waiting for the maitre'd to return, the baby started crying. It was clear that he was hungry, and I had no bottle to give him. I decided he needed to be nursed and that it wouldn't be a good idea to breast-feed in the waiting area of a 4-star restaurant, so we left and started walking the streets. I have no clue where MM (or my friends) were at this point!
Dreams are weird. I suppose a dream analyst could have a field day with this one!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
208.8 (yea! under 209!)
MM and I saw a mortgage lender this morning and have been approved for a home loan! Many people probably take this step as a foregone conclusion, but in today's lending market, both MM and I had some concerns about the process. It was actually relatively pain-free. We are not getting totally hosed on our interest rate, and (predictably) we have been approved for an amount in excess of what we could comfortably afford to spend.
Now the really big decision: what home to buy. We have looked at 20+ houses over the past few months and, aside from one that MM loved which is no longer on the market, neither of us has been totally enamored of any of the homes we've seen that are within our desired price range. With each house we've viewed, it seems that there is something that is not quite right: the house meets our criteria in every other way, but we don't like the look of some of the other houses on the street. . . or we don't like to carpet/wallpaper/wall colors (yes, all can be changed, but at some expense). . . or the bedrooms are too small. . . or there's no garage. You get the idea. Something has been lacking for at least one of us for every house we've seen.
Part of the problem is a stumbling block for which I am primarily responsible: I do not want to live farther than a 15-minute drive from my office. I am well aware that many, many people commute a lot farther than this every day. . . but I have no desire to be one of those people.
I DESPISE a long commute! The prospect of a long commute was a factor that kept me from moving back to Phoenix for a while after law school. It's not about the cost of gas; it's about my time. Every minute I have to spend in my car is another minute that I have to spend away from my home and my dog and eventually--God willing--my child. I don't care that we could have a large home in a suburb for the money we are going to spend. If buying that home means anything more than 20 minutes in the car twice a day for me, forget it.
I admit that restricting our search only to Phoenix proper has limited our options. Many of the areas within the city are either (1) ridiculously expensive, or (2) in/near . . . erm. . . shall we say less desirable homes/neighbors.
MM doesn't care as much about the commute issue, partly because he is not as affected by it: it is rare that he is going to or leaving work during rush hour, so he usually avoids the worst of the traffic anyway. However, to his credit, he respects my view on this point and has agreed to restrict our search to areas that aren't too far from my office.
On the one hand, neither of us is in a particular hurry to buy a place; we can continue to live in my current apartment through November if necessary. On the other hand, we are both eager to move forward with our plans. Plus MM doesn't like living in my apartment.
I suspect I am going to spending a lot more of my time looking at houses in the upcoming weeks. . . .
Posted by S at 2:03 PM
Friday, July 25, 2008
(didn't weigh 'cause I have a case of the "f*$% it"s)
I've often marveled at how life can continue calmly in the same direction for some time until BAM! changes begin to happen. It often starts with a seemingly small change, but that one seemingly small change begets another. Before you know it, you look around you and find that the life you were living mere weeks before is not the one you're living now. It's almost akin to a seismic shift: suddenly your world is different than before.
I feel like I'm going through one of these shifts right now. I am happy to report that the changes that are happening in my life are positive ones, because such is not always the case with these things. I went through a "shift" like this not long ago. . . . just over a year ago, actually. The catalyst for that shift was my break-up with my then-fiance SL and the cancelling (13 days ahead) of our wedding (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/03/breaking-news-wedding-is-off.html).
The break-up was obviously a huge change, but just as throwing a rock into a pond creates ripples, that break-up resulted in a ripple of other changes for me. I changed jobs, moved to another city, and eventually met MM. Not one of these things would have happened had I stayed with SL. I could not have taken my current job, in my current city, if our wedding had happened as planned. . . . and I obviously wouldn't have been dating if I'd gotten married! ;-)
By the time SL and I had been apart a mere four months, I looked around and found that everything about my daily life was different. (Except Sebastian, of course.) Living alone again in a new home, working at a new job in a different city.
Now it seems that my relationship with MM has itself set off a series of changes in my life. He moved in with me about a month ago, and that has been going well. Now we are shopping for houses together and discussing the possibility of eloping this fall while on vacation. (Side note: is it really "eloping" if you plan it ahead of time?) And we have discussed the possibility of having a child. . . an idea I had mostly given up for hopeless when things ended with SL. Basically it all boils down to the two of us building a life together vs. just being boyfriend/girlfriend and enjoying each other. It makes sense that this decision would lead to change.
I am excited about the changes we are planning, but also a little nervous about what my world will look like when this shift is complete.
Posted by S at 12:21 PM
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Posted by S at 9:47 PM
211.2 (double yikes!)
I went to bed at 8:20 last night because I had been frickin' exhausted all day. Thus, when MM returned home from working yesterday evening a little after 9, I was already asleep. (We had seen each other briefly between 6:30 and 7, when he came home to eat a quick dinner.)
At around 11:30 p.m., I was awakened by what sounded like a cat meowing. . . . but which, even in my half-asleep state, I identified as MM trying to sound like a meowing cat. After running to the restroom, I returned to bed and asked MM why he was meowing.
MM: I was trying to get Sebastian to come over. (Sebastian was fast asleep on the floor near the foot of the bed throughout this exchange.)
Me: Why didn't you just call his name?
MM: I don't know.
Me: I was fast asleep.
MM: I didn't think you'd hear the meowing.
Me: OK, I'm going back to sleep.
MM: NO! Stay up and play with Mikey!
MM proceeded to keep me awake for another 10-15 minutes and told me how sad he'd been when he got home and I was already in bed. "I wanted to talk to you and hang out. You should've been waiting up for me."
So much for my fears that living together would not afford him enough alone time. . . . .
Posted by S at 1:29 PM
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
A few of my oldest & closest friends joke that one constant about me is that I must always have something about which to obsess. As embarrassing as it may be to admit that they are right. . . . they are right.
More often than not, the objection of my fixation has been a man. Whether it was a man I was dating, a man I wanted to date, or a man I had dated in the past, there has usually been someone to fit the bill. Many hours of my life have been devoted to thinking about men. Not that it has ever prevented me from living my life or getting other things done; I'm a great multi-tasker!
Obsessing about a man has seldom been fruitful or helpful to any of my relationships, but it hasn't stopped me from doing it. I should note that I do not obsess over someone once the relationship is well along and things are going smoothly. . . . it's only something I do in the beginning or with someone I can't have. I can usually tell when I am committed--and secure in my boyfriend's commitment to me--by the fact that I begin searching outside our relationship for something else upon which to fixate and ruminate.
BUT not all of my obsessions have been about men. I have also had healthier(?) obsessions from time to time. (Side note: is there such a thing as a healthy obsession? Seems to be a bit of an oxymoron.) For example, when I decided to change careers back in 1999, for a while I was obsessed with researching and analyzing options: PhD in psych? MBA? law school? something else? Many hours were spent on this "project."
Once I'd made the decision to apply to law school, I became obsessed with it, too; first, the admissions process and selecting the "right" school, then the study of law itself. That obsession lasted well into my first year of law school.
Back in 2003, when I lost 35 lbs in 4 months on Weight Watchers, I believe I became a bit obsessed about that. In fact, I credit a part of my success that go-around to my obsession. Any time I've had to make a major purchase--car, furniture, home--I've become a little obsessed about it, too.
I used to spend lots of time questioning why I am such an obsessor/fixator, but finally gave up. The truth of the matter is, I am what I am. . . . and aside from the occasional detrimental effect on my love life, on the whole, obsessing is not the worst thing in the world. It can give me focus--as it did with law school and with Weight Watchers--and is usually no worse than being somewhat annoying to the friends and family members who have to listen to me analyze and dissect everything. (I try not to burden the whole world with my fixations, but confine them to a few old, close friends, my mom, and my sister.)
In typical fashion, I am obsessing about something lately which I haven't blogged much about. I almost decided to write an entry about it today, but didn't. In analyzing my reasons for not writing about this, I think I've puzzled out the primary reason I've kept it pretty much under wraps: I'm not ready to "put it out there" for anyone to read, particularly people who know me in real life. Like most of my obsessions over men, my current obsession is only known to a few people. I'm weird that way: I am not a particularly private person, and I'll blog about a lot of personal things. . . . but I feel a need to hold certain things back.
(Just to be clear, I am not obsessing over a man, and everything is fine between MM and me. Our relationship is well past the obsessing stage. ;-) After all, we are preparing to purchase a home together, and we will be picking out an engagement ring for me as soon as our home purchase is finalized.)
Ever since I found out about my cholesterol numbers last Friday, I have been trying to shift my focus and become obsessed with weight loss and exercise again. So far, it's not happening. Although I am well aware I get fixated on things, I'm not clear on how it happens. Because of that, I can't stop it or head it off and (apparently) can't redirect it either.
Any tips on how to substitute one obsession for another?
Posted by S at 2:06 PM
Monday, July 21, 2008
I want to write a long entry about our weekend, etc., complete with photos, but am not quite sure when I'll get around to it. I did want to post a quick update, though.
MM accepted the offer on his house yesterday. He is now in the ten-day waiting period during which the buyer will get her inspection. It's highly unlikely that anything out of the ordinary will be found, but we'll see.
Closing is on August 15th. MM is already house-shopping in earnest for us, and we are meeting with a lender this week. Once the sale is complete, we will have money for our down payment, so it shouldn't be long before we buy our house together!
I am both excited and nervous at the propect. ;-)
Posted by S at 10:41 AM
Friday, July 18, 2008
I got a call from my doctor's office this morning with the results of the lab work I had done on Wednesday at my 6-month follow-up appointment. The results are actually worse than I'd feared:
- Total cholesterol: 246 (high)
- HDL: 38 (low)
- LDL: 164 (high)
- Triglycerides: 220 (high)
I've been exercising about twice a week since January and taking Omega 3 supplements to raise my HDL, but clearly I am not doing enough. The doctor said Wednesday that if my numbers were high, he would consider putting me on a statin to lower them. . . but for the fact that I am no longer on birth control and could (theoretically) get pregnant at any time. (As you may know from the Lipitor commercials, statins cannot be taken by women who are "nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.")
I have to say that I am a little shaken by this. I was reading up about this on the American Heart Association's website. My total cholesterol level alone has doubled my risk for heart disease! (It doesn't help that I am currently working on a case where the plaintiff had his first heart attack at 37, the same age I am now. And the guy was in excellent physical condition and ran up & down mountains for exercise!)
I don't know that I've ever blogged about this, but there is a history of diabetes and heart disease in my family on both sides: my maternal grandmother had severe diabetes that eventually led to her death. (She had quadruple coronary artery bypass surgery and later chronic renal failure and was on dialysis for almost three years.) My paternal grandmother had heart disease and died of congestive heart failure at 85. Worst of all, my father has had high cholesterol since about age 29--and he's not even overweight--as well as high blood pressure and diabetes. He has had a few "mini strokes" and had triple coronary artery bypass surgery in 2001 and several stents and angioplasties as well. (My mother has slightly elevated cholesterol and blood pressure, but they are well-controlled with medications.)
With this kind of family history, you would think I would be more diligent about exercising and controlling my weight. . . . but anyone who has struggled with her weight can tell you that it's not that simple. :-( There is a gulf or a disconnect between what I know intellectually and what I *do*.
And on that note I start my weekend. [sigh]
Posted by S at 10:41 AM
Thursday, July 17, 2008
- MM got an offer on his house last night! It wasn't *quite* what he wanted, but it was close. He submitted a counter-offer today, and we are optimistic that they will be to come to an agreement. So MM and I may be buying our home together sooner rather than later!
- I've decided to do a week-long "cleanse" (ala Oprah and dooce.com). For seven days, I will give up alcohol, caffeine, sugar, gluten, and animal products. Honestly, I rarely drink, so giving up alcohol is no hardship. I've cut back my caffeine consumption to 1-2 cups of coffee a week, so that shouldn't be too bad. Sugar will be a little tough, but I've given it up before to do Phase I of the South Beach Diet. The real challenges will be gluten and animal products. It's hard for me to imagine no chicken, no dairy, no eggs! Still, I'm excited to try something new. I am only going to do this for 7 days because I know it will be difficult. I plan on starting on July 28 because I'll need time to plan and 7 days during which I can make all my meals myself.
Posted by S at 1:40 PM
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
This cold I caught while visiting my sister has been a real pain in the ass! Aside from last night, when I was very headache-y and blah, I've never really felt horrible. . . but I just can't seem to shake the damn thing! I continue to be congested and coughing some. (I coughed up a nasty old phlegm glob this morning.) Bleh.
I'm feeling unmotivated at work. I have things to do, but none of them seem urgent enough to motivate me. I think part of my feeling is related to the fact that I still don't feel 100%.
MM and I are going to Puerto Penasco, Mexico, this weekend and meeting my friends L, C, and K from Tucson. (L's husband's family owns a house there on the beach.) I have been looking forward to visiting P.P. for a long time; it is a frequent getaway destination for Arizonans that I have never visited. Sebastian was invited also, so that should be extra-fun.
MM and I will be going to the gym tonight per our usual Tuesday/Thursday routine. I haven't worked out in over a week, so it should be interesting. . . .
All right, I'm going to force myself to edit some stuff now. Grrrr. . .
Posted by S at 12:18 PM
Sunday, July 13, 2008
MM and I have been talking for a while about the possibility of my going with him and his parents to Maui the week of Thanksgiving. (They have had this trip planned for over a year; they are going primarily to attend the Maui Invitational Tournament in which Indiana U--MM's alma mater--is playing.) Among other things, I want to snorkel, hike, and bike while in Maui and take full advantage of the outdoor beauty there.
I've been searching for a weight loss inspiration for a while, and I'm thinking that perhaps this trip could be it. I would be in a much better position to enjoy all this if I lost some weight. I'd also look better, but I'm more focused on the fact that I'd have lots more energy.
During the spring semester of my second year of law school, back in early 2003, I successfully lost 35 lbs in less than 4 months. My Weight Watchers starting weight in January 2003 was 212.2, so pretty close to what I weigh currently. (Obviously, I petered out before getting to my ideal body weight and subsequently regained, but anyway. . .)
For our Maui trip, I wouldn't even set the bar that high: I would be thrilled just to get down to 190. That essentially translates into just losing about 10% of my current weight. Given that I lost 35 lbs in 4 months before, I think a 20-lb weight loss in a little over 4 months is totally doable. I certainly have the knowledge and the tools to make it happen; it's just a matter of actually DOING IT!
The following photo was taken Memorial Day weekend 2007, at which time I was weighing in the low 220s. (The two lovely ladies with me are my long-time friends H and D.) I've posted this to remind myself that weight-wise, I am already quite a bit better off than I was just a little over a year ago. I just need to get back in that hard-working groove.
Posted by S at 10:57 AM
Friday, July 11, 2008
I can only speak in a whisper or an occasional croak.
I feel totally handicapped! (Though my coworkers are happy, lol.)
Posted by S at 11:12 AM
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Rowan has the most charming smile, but it is fleeting and nearly impossible to catch on camera! He gets his solemn face on when he realizes the camera is aimed at him. Plus every other time he saw my camera, he reached for it and said "mine."
Posted by S at 6:17 PM
It's been so long since I've posted that I'm not even quite sure where to begin. Think I'll just do a quick, bullet points update for now and post some photos from my recent trip later this evening.
- My nephew Rowan: best baby in the world. OK, so I'm probably more-than-a-little biased, but he is exceptionally happy and cute. He is 20 months old and so fun!!
- My sister V: great! I really enjoyed seeing her. She has lost weight since our last visit and looked fabulous. And she gave MM two thumbs up.
- MM: wonderful. We had a good time together on our trip--our longest one together to date--and the cohabitation is going well so far.
- Work: so far I've had a mostly unproductive day. But not much work accumulated in my 3-day absence, so things could be worse.
- Sebastian: was very excited to see us last night. I am taking him to the vet this afternoon because I discovered a red, raw area at the base of his tail this morning. I think it is a "hot spot," but want to make sure it's nothing more serious.
- Health: Rowan passed on his cold to me, so I've been sick since Monday morning. I am fortunate in that the symptoms of this cold have not been terrible; however, I have an annoying, hacking cough and have almost lost my voice today. (On the plus side, the weak, hoarse voice garners sympathy from my coworkers. LOL) I made a dentist appointment this morning--I've been thinking I have a cavity in one of my molars--as well as a OB/GYN appointment for my annual exam.
- Life in general: I obviously have a boatload of laundry to do tonight, but am mostly unpacked, caught up on emails, and only have a couple of phone calls I still need to return. Life is returning to normal. It's a beautiful day here in Phoenix: it was only 91 degrees when I drove to work this morning! The news says the monsoon is starting soon, so we should be getting some much-needed rain. I love monsoon!
Posted by S at 1:30 PM
Thursday, July 03, 2008
I need to start off this post by saying that MM would be embarassed as hell if he knew I am blogging about this. But I think it is funny, so I want to share it. He doesn't read my blog, so what he doesn't know won't hurt him. LOL
First, some background. My home computer, like most, came pre-loaded with Internet Explorer. I prefer using Mozilla Firefox as my browser, so I downloaded it some time ago and use that instead. MM is not as tech-savvy as I, and the only way he knows to get on the internet is to click on IE's blue e symbol. . . . so he uses IE as his browser.
When I woke up this morning and went to the computer to read blogs and work emails--as I do every morning--I noticed a minimized IE window. Still semi-asleep, I maximized the window and saw that it was a website called springbreakbeachparties.com. Obviously, this was the last site MM had visited before going to bed the night before, and he had simply forgotten to close the window.
Three guesses about the content of the website. Yeah, although what I saw was merely the home page bearing the message "You must be 18 years or older to access this site!", it was fairly obvious that there would be some photos of naked girlies on there.
Unlike many women, the idea of my significant other looking at porn is not offensive to me. Sure, if it were gay porn, child porn, or animals, I might be concerned, for a variety of reasons. . . . or if he were substituting porn for a normal intimate relationship with me. But just your basic red-blooded American male looking at some naked women? I have no problem with that.
Even though I didn't have a problem with it, I did think it was funny and brought it to MM's attention. At first, he thought I was "checking his history" . . . . until I explained to him how I don't even use that web browser and showed him how he had minimized the window rather than closing it. (As if I would be checking up on him!)
MM was quite embarassed, even though I told him I didn't care (as outlined above). He was all "well, at least it was just naked women" and "I really don't look at that stuff very often." Tee hee I teased him a little, until he asked me to stop. I was a little surprised at how embarassed he got.
Ah, the joys of once again having a man living in my home. ;-)
Posted by S at 11:01 AM